Impractical Jokers (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 23 - Adam Pally and Jon Gabrus - full transcript

Adam Pally and Jon Gabrus
on "impractical jokers."

- I love it.
- Very cool.

And you guys have a new show
coming up soon, right?

Yeah. "101 places to party
before you die" on TruTV.

- That's ride.
- What do you mean on TruTV?

- What was that?
- Our show. It's on TruTv.

- No, no, no. Our show's on TruTV.
- Yeah.

There's no room
for another show.

You signed contracts
with the network?

Yes, we signed
contracts to the network too,

And they said they were
going to put us on TV



Right after you guys.

Well, good luck with it, then.

Am I going to have to put
on that much makeup?

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good dog?

With special guests

Adam Pally and Jon Gabrus!

Hello, baby.
Today we're posing as parents,

interviewing baby sitters
to watch our kids.

Oh, we'll be conducting
the interviews "at home"

So the baby sitter
can meet our kids

and get a sense
of our bizarre house, right?

Oh, goo! The goal is to convince



The baby sitter to take the gig
despite the weird interview.

If they don't agree to babysit,
you lose.

Goo! Goo!!

So, David, have you ever
watched the show before?

Yes.

Okay, so today
we're working with children.

We may have our hands full.

Q's son David is...
Energetic.

We're going to see
how this goes,

but anything can happen. David.

- Oh, good, good.
- Yeah?

Ask Q when
he started gaining weight.

When did you start
gaining weight?

Who asked you to asked that?

It was Q. No, I'm Q.

Who asked you to ask me?

I think it was...
I think it was...

Don't you dare say it.

Oh, this is going
to be interesting today.

- Hi, I'm Brian.
- Ashley.

Ashley. This is my son, David.
This is Ashley.

He's a great kid.
This kid's great.

Oh, there he goes.
This is his new favorite toy.

David, say,
"I have your soul now."

I have your soul now!

Alright, show her around, Q.
Come on.

Here we go.

We have a little surprise for Q.

You know, hanging out in here,
and then...

Hey, you're back.

Okay.
So this is my friend, Brian.

You got to see what they do
with that goat!

He means we...
You know, we milk the goat.

We make our own
cheese out of the goat here.

Goat milk.

Yeah, but tell him about
the other stuff with the goat.

You have to tell her about
the other stuff with the goat.

You know, the adult stuff.

You know, like the adult stuff
about the goat.

What?
The adult stuff
about that goat.

Dude, go "boing!"

Boing!

Yeah, so obviously
Brian won't be here.

Usually when
you're watching David,

That's when I'll be doing
the goat-type type.

I just... I just need
five more minutes.

Do you think
they might want to babysit?

Yeah. Yeah?!

Are you me?
I can't believe it!

Wrong choice, lady!

- Hi, so nice to meet you. I'm Sal.
- Nice to meet you.

Pleasure. Pleasure.

I've been babysitting
for all of my life mostly.

Oh, so then you know exactly
what I'm looking for then.

Let me show you around.
Yeah. Here.

There's a cookbook there
with a page annotated.

That's the recipe
you have to cook Chloe.

She's picky what she eats.

She has a lot
of allergies and stuff.

So this is... this is what I
like to make her right here.

You see, it's catfish po'boy
with pickle remoulade.

His daughter likes
catfish po'boys?

Two tablespoons
of sweet pickle relish.

Two tablespoons
of chopped drained capers,

Two tablespoons
of chopped flat leaf parsley.

One and a half teaspoon
just smoked sweet paprika.

That's for the remoulade.

One garlic clove, also minced.

Two, you're going
to make the po'boys.

A half cup of flour,
the Salt, the cayenne pepper,

The garlic powder,
the onion powder, the thyme,

The sage, ground ginger,
and cumin.

In another pie plate,
we're going to beat the eggs.

Dust the catfish with flour,

Fry the catfish in two batches
over moderately high heat,

Turning once until the crust
is golden and crisp... ideal.

Drain the fish on paper towels.

Now you're gonna spread the
rolls with the remoulade on top.

Top with the fish
and romaine and serve.

Alright, Chloe, come on in.

If you're making fish,
then it's just a catfish.

...Sadly.
Well, have you ever had...

- This is the cajun style.
- Yeah.

- Oh, poor Chloe's on crutches.
- okay.

- Hi.
- How are you doing?

- Good.
- I just went over the po'boy with her.

- That's all I eat.
- Yeah, it's all she eats.

What are you gonna do? She's picky.

How rude. She didn't bring
a drink for your guest?

I'm sorry.
It's a little bit rude, honey.

We have a guest.
Please go get her a drink.

It's nice having a kid around
because she does things

for me around the house,
you know what I mean?

So she's very mature
for her age.

She takes care of herself
a lot when I'm not here.

You know what I mean?

She left the fridge open.

- Oh.
- oh, no!

She's got to go back
and close the fridge.

Honey, honey,
the fridge is open.

Before you even
bring that here...

Okay?

What happened to her foot?

Oh, it got... it got hurt. Yeah.

She's closing it
with her face.

Drop the water
and make a big show out of

trying to pick it up.

Like, if you're gonna
have company, if you...

You okay?

No, no. She has to learn.
Yeah, yeah.

- Join us, hon.
- Yeah.

Listen, urgent,
in case of emergency,

How long can
you hold your breath?

And also, in case
of any emergencies,

How long can you
hold your breath?

I think a minute.

You can hold
your breath for one minute?

Alright, let's try to
get that a little higher.

So, we have two doors.

You can come in through the
elevator, which I think you did.

Alright, Sal, you got
to hire a babysitter.

If she'll have you...

Anyway,
would you like to watch her?

- Yes.
- Oh.

- Excellent. Thank you.
- Wow.

Good job.

How are you?
You can put your stuff down.

- Certainly. How are you today, Anna?
- I'm good. Thank you.

Here we go.

Murr, why don't you
give her a snack?

- There's some stuff in the fridge.
- Yeah. Be polite.

Forgive me. I am being so rude.
Let me just grab that.

You prepped a platter.

I mean, if you like...

W-would you like some ham?

Yeah. Thanks.

she took one!

Let's take a look around.
So, little area, living room.

Thi...

This is, uh...

Let's take a look around.
So little area, living room.

Thi...

This is my son, Alex.

- He's my... he's playing...
- Hi, dad.

Hey, buddy. How are you?

Hi.

- This is Anna. This is Alex.
- Nice to meet you.

He just noticed the hair.

Yeah, I see it.

I see your hair...

What's eating? Turn around.

What's eating
on that shelf there?

The Chinese food
is gonna get cold.

Oh, yeah. He's got... you've got
some... Some noodles, some soup.

Murr, say, "oh, shit.
This is cold."

Oh, shit. This is cold.

you sw... oh!
Oh, you swore!

He's going to
get some soap!

You're not to curse!

I'm... I'm...

We have a... there's no cursing
in the house,

And I said the s-word.

That was a curse.
I didn't meant to.

I say "shit,"
you put the soap in my mouth.

Uh, rules are rules,
so you're right, buddy. Okay.

Oh, you put that
in your mouth?

This is what's fair!

Why don't you take her to
the room, show her the bedroom?

Well, come on in. Come on in.

Hey... o-okay.

Hi. Hi, Alex.

Alex?

- Hi, Alex.
- Hey, Alex?

Maybe he's in the shower?

You know, the cleaning lady

hasn't been here in,
like, two days.

- That's the thing.
- "two days."

Go ahead, Murr.
You and Anna find Alex.

Hey, bud? Where are you?

He does this. He hides. He's...

Alex. Hey, bud.
Where you at, bud?

"Marco." Marco.

Polo.

- She said Polo.
- Marco.

Polo.

Marco. Polo.

Marco. Polo.

- I'm going to find you, Anna.
- Uh-oh.

I'm gonna find. Marco.

is that you?

Marco. Polo.

Marco! Marco!

Polo.

I think I'm getting
closer to you.

Marco. Polo.

Marco?

Offer a reward
for her to find the kid.

If you can find the kid
in the room,

Here's a $100 bill.

Do you mind just looking for...
Just find him for me?

I'll be with... look.

Oh!

There he is!

Oh, there he is.

Wait, wait, take your money
back. That was too quick.

Great. I'll just... I'll just
take this right back then.

"Dad, you should give her
the 100 bucks."

You should give her the money.

"She found me.
She did find me, so...

- Yeah.
- It was a fair game,

So give her the money.

"come on, white man.
Give her the money."

Come on, white men,
give her the money.

Oh.

Bud, you were right.
A deal is a deal.

There is the $100 that I did
promise you for finding my son.

Murr, that's it, bud. You win.

You're done, buddy.
I can't... I can't breathe.

Would you like to babysit
my son?

Great. Okay, great.

- Oh!
- Oh! Alright.

Cancel the sitter,

Q, Sal, and Murr are safe
from the loser board.

- We're going to let you go first.
- No, no, no.

Please. You're guests.
- Alright. No problem.

Okay.

- Oh!
- Tell you what. They got scared.

I'm just getting warmed up.

- Oh, there it is.
- Oh!

Rewrite. Rewrite.
A little diamond.

You want to rewrite this shape?

- Yeah.
- Do a tight diamond.

Okay, so this is traditionally,
like, a triangle,

But if you want to keep
saying "tight diamond"...

A tight diamond.

I guess that's what they call
a triangle in staten island.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

He's heating up.

Oh! Suck on that!

Come on, fight for it.

Twice! Oh!

Bringing it back.

was that?

You guys think
this is funny?

Let's go, bitch!

This could be the game.

Don't do it!

Oh!

We'll give you last licks.

One shot each, but if you
get two, we play again.

Today we're competing
head to head

To get some volunteers
for our research study.

And the catch is
that we won't know the topic

Of this bizarre study

Until we look at it
for the first time.

We'll be rotating in and out
of the room in pairs

And the one who gets least
amount of volunteers loses.

And today we've got
a special guest scorekeeper,

Casey jost!

Get to the focus group. Go.

Alright, here we go.

Hey, guys. How you doing?
Hi, everybody.

We're looking for Alan.
Alan? Alan? Hey, Alan.

Okay, so everyone's
going to have a choice

To do one of two focus groups.

You let us know
which one you want to do.

Simple as that. Okay.

The first one is...
Is hot gravy versus crotch.

Hot gravy versus crotch.

So, what, they're pouring
hot gravy on your crotch?

Yeah, that would be the...
That would be that.

Okay, and for me we have here

How many bay leaves can you eat
until a green stool?

So your choice, Alan?

Um...

The physically gonna pour
hot gravy on me?

Y-yes, of varying
degrees of temperature.

I'll do that one.
I don't want to eat bay leaves.

You want to get hot gravy
poured on your crotch

instead of eating a bay leaf?

How many do I have to eat
of those?

How many bay leaves?
Until you excrete.

I guess I'll do
the bay leaf one.

- Oh! Reversal!
- Oh, wow!

Wow.

You're going to love bay leaves.

Alright. We're going to
round two now.

Don't look at this.
This is official.

Okay.

Oh, here we go.

Hey, guys. How you doing? Hi.

Myrna? Myrna? Myrna.

Myrna, hi.

So this one focus group
is you just going to be

Testing erotic boxing equipment.

what?

That sounds like a great
focus group to me.

Or...?

Or...

We watch you go "number one"
for science.

It's just for... For science.

We... we can give you
some diuretics.

Oh, no.

Or you can just come on,
put on two pink boxing gloves

With a...
With a dirty picture on it

And just punch some testicles
for a half hour.

I do have some rage
I want to release.

Alright! One win for Sal,
one win for Q.

You got to pound the hell
out of them nuts.

Alright, I'm up.

Alright, here we go.
This is round three.

Hi, guys. How are you?
Hi. Hello.

- Lisa?
- I'm Lisa.

Lisa, we're going to pull you
to a focus group now.

We have two left for the day.

The first one
you can choose is...

O-oral surprise.

It's just...
Will I be tasting it?

Maybe, but it's a surprise.
You don't know.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So this one is Dr. Horsenuts's
nipple butter for joggers,

And it's a time trial,

Because when you jog,
you get very chafe.

Sure. Sure. So Dr. Horse nuts

Is usually very good
about his products.

Right. Alright.
But, Lisa, I mean,

How often in life
do we get an oral surprise?

Well, I suppose
you could take some

Dr. Horsenuts's
nipple butter for joggers

And put it in your mouth
and see how it tastes.

No.

So your choice?

You. Oral surprise for the win.

Oh! Whoa.

Have had
an oral surprise before?

Alright, come on in.

Whoa!
She took oral surprise!

It's all tied up! One, one, one.

So I declare that
all three of you should go out

And we see who the winner is.

We have one last focus
group today,

And we're looking
for a Patricia.

Patricia? Patricia?

Patricia. Okay. Hi, Patricia.

Patricia, first things first.

You can come with me
and you're just gonna review

Some of our research on incest
in the pigeon community.

Oh, god, no. No?

- Not in front of you. Videos.
- Yeah, hm.

Patricia, you also have a choice
of this focus group.

This one is we publicly
release your personal,

Private information.

So social security...

Oh, mine... mine's not that bad.

It's just how much sand
can you fit in your mouth?

it's for a child's toy.

It's a choking hazard thing,

And we just see how much you can
do before you're uncomfortable.

So that's how they figure out
the choking limits.

How much sand
can you fit your mouth?

Yeah.

Or we can release your personal,
private information online.

Or, Patricia,
mine's just watching a video.

We're trying to clean up
New York City, you know,

And these pigeons are just...
They don't discern.

So if you had to pick one?

I'd have to go with
the sand thing.

CYeah! Sand!
The sand is...

The sand thing.

Sand takes it.

Wow. Okay, now it's time
for battle of the losers.

Whoever loses
this gets the thumbs-down.

Hi, guys. Hi, everybody.

Hey, how's it going?
Hi, I'm James.

Which one of you is Richard?

Right here. Oh, hello, sir.

Sal, do you want to? Sure.

With me, Richard,
it's going to be a...

Tit-for-tat hair pull.

Um...

You have your choice,
my friend, of which focus group

You'd like to attend.

With me, Richard,
it's going to be a...

Tit-for-tat hair pull,

Adult versus adolescent.

So basically what's going
to happen is you'll go in there,

Will match you up with
an adolescent and,

Tit-for-tat,
they'll pull your hair,

You'll pull their hair,
and we're going to be testing,

You know, testing...

I'll go with that.

"I'll go with that."

Oh, hold on.

Or, Richard, you could
choose a... a... a

A... a penis size examination.

We... we just... a medical
doctor will... in private.

Okay.

The doctor is super attractive.

She...
I have no problem
with that one.

You've no problem with that one?

But... but...
But I thought you want to pull

A child's hair? No, no.

You said you wanted
to pull a child's hair!

Attractive doctor for the win!

Come on, rich.
Let's go measure that dick.

- Wow. Sal loses.
- Oh!

You know what this means,
america.

Richard is packing.

Sal couldn't measure up,

Making him tonight's big loser.

- Ha!
- Sal.

So, Sal lost, so your punishment
is going to be that you are

A tour guide here
at the staten island museum.

- Right.
- And do us a favor, take it from us...

- You're going to want to keep it moving.
- Yeah.

That's right, because using this
patented "impractical jokers"

Shock suit technology... Yeah.

...We're going to shock
you whenever we want.

You're getting zapped.
Yeah, I understand.

I was just asking about these,
and I was told

They're for large dogs.

Very large dogs, yeah.
That's why we put 17 on you.

Oh, god,
I don't want to do this.

I don't want to do this.

What if we give a taste?
Like a tiny taste?

Well, wait.

Let's just say right now
not right now, right?

Not right now.

Don't do it unless...

Don't do it unless
the game is on.

Why on earth would I listen
to a single thing

You have to say about this?
Please, buddy, please, please.

'Cause I'm actually... I think
I'm gonna have a heart attack.

I really feel like it.

I can't take the not kno...

Aah! Ow!

No way!

No way. I can't...
I can't do it, man.

I can't do that.

Aah! Aah!

people!

I'm not going able to... I will
never not be able to not react.

And why is he
trying to hide it?
I don't know.

I don't think he understands
this show after all these years.

Wait, wait, guys, wait.
The cameras are hidden.

Your emotions are shown,
just so you know.

I've only seen a few episodes
'cause I've only

Been in the hospital a handful
of times in the last year.

So we're just going to hit you
when we want, and it ends

When you get through the tour.

The boys are going to be
out on the floor,

And we gave them the remotes.

It's in their hands.
They got them in their pockets.

We've kept Sal's left side.

Yeah, we gave them the right.
They've got his right.

I asked them to give me
the lowest level.

It certainly is not. Sorry.

It's a punishment for Adam too.

Sal, Adam came to us and
was like,

"I really don't want to do this.

I don't want to hurt Sal."

But I've never seen someone

More willing
to shock you than Gabrus.

Can't wait to get to you.

Gabrus has a full boner
right now.

Alright. You want to send in
the group?

- Here we go!
- Hi. How you guys doing?

- Good. How are you?
- Good.

So this is our
magic cicada room.

Okay, I know you guys...

I'll take you this way.
Hello, sir.

So Adam's got that button.
So take a look around.

So the artist installed
everything in here.

In the middle of a Sal's
sentence,

I want you to hit that button.

Come on, now.

Come on, Adam! Hit it!
Adam, hit it!

You're on "impractical jokers."
hit it!

The color of the paint
was made...

Ow!

In the middle of
Sal's sentence,

I want you to hit that button.

Come on, now.

Come on, Adam! Hit it!
Adam, hit it!

You're on "impractical jokers."
hit it!

The color of the paint
was made using...

An insect-based dye called
an "allac"!

Um, scale insects from the
family kerriidae,

Shellac is also made...

Look at Adam.
He looks like he's in hell.

I wish I had a thing attached
to Adam to shock him

When he didn't shock Sal.

Their life cycle
is only 48 hours.

Adam, I want you to shock him
as you're asking him a question.

And make sure
he sees that controller.

Just have the life out
and then...

Can I help you with anything?

Yes. Is it normal to have,
like, all the bugs,

Like, out of cases like this?

Yeah, well... yeah! Yeah!

It's great. There's no other...
There is no other exhibit

That does it this way.
Alright, Adam,
hit him one more time,

And we'll let you off
the hook with this.

- We're talking millions.
- Could you do me a favor?

- Yes?
- Think I lost my phone.

Could you just call it
and hit that button for call?

It's on vibrate,
so I'll hear it.

Okay. You don't hear it?

Go on, dude. Do it.
It's the punishment.

Oh, uh, I heard it.
Thank you so much.

Nice work. Very clever, Adam.

Now come on down here, buddy.
Join us down here.

Thank you, sir.

Alright, Sal,
move on to the other room.

So, we're going to take you
to this room right here.

The janitor's working this one.

Yeah. There is he is.
The janitor's in here.

Don't mind him.
That's our buddy, Jon.

It's okay.
You guys can come through.

I'm almost done in here anyway.

Alright.
We just came from the cicadas.

Truly shocking room.
Shocked them.

Sal, did you say you already
went to the cicada room?

What's that?

I've been to it.

You said you went
to the cicada room?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah! I saw...

Yeah! Yeah!

Well, he's like
John Wayne Gabrus.

- This is crazy.
- Yeah.

Now, this is the figure
of luang.

Luang depicted as elderly monks
with shaved heads,

Prominent ears...
And long robes!

Sorry, I don't want
to interrupt,

But tell them
about the white falcon.

Well, this is my...
The gem of the gems here...

The white falcon.

And now I'm getting
desensitized to it,

And now I find it funny.

You wanna go?
We can send you back in.

No, I don't want to go back,
but I'll hit the button.

Alright. Here you go, my friend.

Which leg of the tour
is this on?

Is this the back leg
or the front?

This is the... this is...
The this the...

This is the second part
of the...

Sal, that was Adam,
just so you know.

And then... oh, I thought he
wasn't going to do it anymore.

We'll head down here.

Up...

Yeah, I'm fine.

Just... I got heartburn.

Here we go, Sal.

Oh. Oh.

You can't find your phone?

No, I can't find it.

Adam lost his phone again.

So some of the stuff
in here, it's...

I still have no phone.

They gave me
this thing to find it.

Well, hit it.
If I lose it and I hit this thing...

You should find it. Oh!

You try it.
Let me see. You look for it, I'll hit it.

Have a look...

Warmer.

Guys,
can you find that phone?

If you don't find your phone,

You can go downstairs
to the lost and found.

I checked down there, and
they said to come back up here.

Adam and Gabrus on three.
One, two, three.

That's...

There's a box downstairs with
all the lost and found stuff.

You look like de niro, Sal.

One, two, and three.

You'll notice...

♪ Wait a minute ♪

Our... our, um...

- Our older...
- Sal, do you want me to call down to maintenance,

Tell them to
turn the air conditioning up?

Yeah.
Call down on three, two, one.

Go.

Yeah! Turn it... turn it up!

Whoa, whoa.
You're making my thing go.

Oh, is your thing going off?

Turn it down! Yeah! Ooh!

Your signal must be
going into mine.

Oh, sorry. I can try to...

What I can do is I'll call
them later. I'll call them.

Sal's confiscating them!

Okay. That's fair.
We'll let you finish your tour.

That's it, bud.

Good job, buddy.
Good work, Sal. Good work, buddy.

Good job, boys.

This is an... actual painting!