Impractical Jokers (2011–…): Season 9, Episode 24 - David Cross - full transcript

Psst! Fellas, fellas...

What if I impractically-joke
David cross?

Certainly. Yeah.

I'm gonna do it.
Knock yourself out.

Hey, guys.

Hey. What's up, buddy?

Let's get this thing started.

Hey, oh,
this is some creative...

Oh, you got a stain
on your shirt, bud.

Yeah?

What the **** Man?!



S-sorry. No, he deserved it.

You know what's
really messed up?

David, you really do
have a stain on your shirt.

Oh, where, where?
It's right there.

It's right there. Boop!

You got me, 'cause I thought
there was a stain.

Stop!

Let's just get this started.

Are you **** Kidding me?

Who's a good dog?

With special guest
David cross!

Use it!

Today,
we're cleaning the garage.

And it's a huge job,
so we've hired someone to help.



The thing is, we have no idea
what we're about to come across

Because it's been put there
by the other guys.

If you refuse to do
or say anything, you lose.

Shut up!

So, Q has no idea
what's inside his garage.

When he pulls up the door, he'll
see what we planned for him.

Oh, boys,
what mysteries await me?

There's an old friend
in here from times past.

From lonelier times.

Oh, what's your name?

- Marie.
- I'm Brian.

- Hi, Brian.
- So nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
Just donating some stuff.

Just giving it to charity.
It won't take that long.

- Oh, here we go!
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want to start with
the sex robot in front of you

Or end with it?

What stuff are you donating?

Well, I was gonna donate
this... this here, um, uh...

Sex robot.

Yeah, just be gentle with her.

She's been through a lot.
Do you need release?

No, you're going...

Robot, turn off.

Suck mode activated.

Robot off.

Oh, my god!

Q there's an urn in there buddy.
Find the urn.

Uh, that urn is uncle pep pep.

What's that?
This is uncle pep pep.

Oh ****

Q, freak out
that you got uncle pep on you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no! Oh, no!

Oh! My aunt's gonna have a cow.

Oh, my god.

Just clean it
and clean yourself up.

She makes so much sense.

Marie is a woman of few words,
and they're all practical.

Put that right there,
underneath.

She is telling him
what to do with his own ****

Can you drop
the ashes everywhere, buddy?

Alright.

Are you gonna want this?

Okay.

- Oh, I'll go pick it up.
- The urn fell over.

Oh, shit. It just fell.

Oh, no!

Oh, my god!
What are we gonna do?!

I thought it was
a level surface!

Wait a minute.
What? What do you got?

I got it.
Oh, my god! She's amazing!

Don't panic.

Okay, okay.

She's cleaning up the ashes
of uncle pep pep.

Don't... wait a minute.

I'm doing it gradually.
Okay, I'm sorry.

You want her on your side,
this woman.

Yeah. She's no nonsense.

There's a stone in there.
Should I get that out?

Yeah, get it out. Okay.

Q, your hand is caught
in the urn.

You can't get it out.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Are you serious?

Could you try pulling that?

You know what's gonna happen?

I just want to lube it up
a little bit.

Lubing in 10... No, no, no.

...9, 8...

Oh, my god!

It is a bit of a mess.

Yeah.

Hey, Sal, take a look
at what you got in there, buddy.

Kindly notice
the boxes and cases

Of N95 masks and sanitizer.

First, you know what
the biggest thing is

That we have in this garage
seems to be

The extreme, um, amount of ppe
and hand sanitizer.

Yeah.

I'll go on, like, the website

And see where, like,
things are spiking.

Tell her that you sell it
at a huge profit.

Then I'll try to sell it out of
like a trunk or something.

At a healthy markup.

Yeah, like, at a healthy markup.

Yeah. I bet.
You have to do it. Yeah.

Ka-ching! Yeah.

Notice the picture you framed
there in the corner, behind you.

Yeah. That should get out, too.

Oh, god, yeah. This is...

This is **** Up.

Don't want to lose this.

This is, uh...

You know,
this is Saddam Hussein.

Oh, no kidding?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

He meant a lot to me as a child.

So, to me, um...

To me, he's just good old
uncle Saddam.

So, don't... what I say is,
don't judge a book by its cover.

I'm sure, yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

Thank god you feel that way.

Whoo, boy.
Find the box of vhs tapes.

Oh, my god.

VHS.

You've definitely used vhs,
right?

Yeah, I have.

Can you just take that for me?

Oh, what's in the vhs box,
though, bud?

What are those, anyway?

Um, I think they just...
What titles are there?

Like "man with goat,"
"man with horse."

What other ones?

What... what other ones?

Um, I don't know.

Honestly, um, I think
I'm gonna go home.

I'm a little confused.

Oh, my god, bud. Oh!

What does that even mean?

You lost.
Yeah, it means you lost.

Give me a **** Break
with this turn.

"Man with horse"?

Alright, here we go.

Alright, here he goes.

Alright.

Oh, god. Oh.

Okay.

There is zero negative
space in there.

Burrow in there
like the ferret that you are.

Yeah. Let me... give me...

Give me your shoulder
to lean on.

I'm gonna go in.

- You got it?
- Yeah.

You got it? Okay, here we go.

Let's figure this out. Okay.

Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Now leap. Now leap.

Oh.

Okay, hold on. Hold on, Pete.
You alright?

I'm gonna do this.

Come here.
Let's get these out of here.

Okay.

Take a breather and have
a little heart-to-heart chat.

Have a seat.
Have a seat for a second.

Take a load of.
We're working hard, have a seat.

You know, what happened
is my dad passed away.

A week later,
my mom married my step dad.

My dad passed away, right?
Yeah.

A week later,
my mom marries my step dad.

Pete, I don't like him at all.

You know, it's just, you know,
he came in, he's not my father.

He's got this huge,
old dong on him.

He's got... my step dad...

Has this...

My step dad has this huge,
old dong on him.

Oh, my god. ****

My mother won't stop talking
about it.

Oh, my god.

Start throwing that dong around.

Yeah, you know, I don't want him

To start throwing
the weight of that dong...

You know,
'cause his dong is big, feet.

Just a giant dong.

Yeah, that dong's in there
floating around right now.

Yeah, someone in the house...

There's nothing in the house.
There's nothing.

Too much dong talk.

That was a refusal, but there's
something we have planned.

Yeah, we cannot end this yet.

Oh.

Move it. Oh!

Look, it's your step dad.
It's step dad.

Oh, no!

There's something we have
planned. - Yeah, we cannot end this yet.

Oh.

Oh, no, Murr!
Look, it's your step dad!

Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete!
It's my step dad.

Uh-oh, step dad.
Put him over your knee.

No, no, no, no, no.

- Come here. Come over here.
- Okay.

You're getting spanked.

Didn't I tell you
not to touch my stuff?

- No, I'm sorry.
- Huh? Huh?

Come on, boy. Bad, bad boy.

- I'm sorry, step dad.
- Step dad.

Pete,
how are you ignoring this?

Pete, how are you ignoring this?

Murr, bad news, by the way.

You refused before, so you lost,

So that whole step dad thing
was for nothing.

I'm gonna head inside and serve
your mother up some dong.

Murr and Sal
couldn't clean up their act,

Making them first up
on the loser board.

So, we know
you've got a potty mouth,

So you know what you can
and cannot say, right,

On television without bleeping?

So, I mean, am I at some point
able to go like...

"you mother****
Piece of **** Mother****"?

You know,
somebody's bothering me.

We could ask. Okay.

You know, normally, you can't
say **** ****

**** ****
**** ****

So, like, for example,
if you said,

"**** Horse ****"
mm-hmm.

Some words would be bleeped,
others not.

Because it's about the context,
right?

Yes. Context. Yes.

Alright. Well, thank you.

Today, we're teaming up
at Jay suites,

Work shopping a presentation
on ghouls and ghosts

To focus-group participants.

The scary part is our
presentations have been created

by the other guys.

At the end,
we'll ask the participants

To raise their hands

If they think our presentation
is good to go.

The team with the fewest hands
raised loses.

So, guys,
this is something new today.

You may be asking who

This handsome gentleman is
to my right.

Max is my dear, dear friend.
He is our barber.

But, I mean, now
we've been friends for a decade.

He cuts my hair, Q's hair.

I never feel as pretty as I do
when I leave Max's shop.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Alright, Max. Here we go.

We are in the world
of the paranormal.

Let's take you through it.
Max, you want to start off?

Yeah.
"The real life babadook:

The wicked haunting
of colts neck, New Jersey."

Alright,
here we go, here we go.

Signs you got a 'dook.

Door slams on their own.

You've heard these common ones,
right?

Walls bleed sometimes.
You've seen it in movies.

It's happened in real life.

But never blood. Sometimes...

Sometimes smegma. Smegma.

Uh, smegma.

Moving on.

The time the babadook
possessed my soul.

I entered the szeluga house.

The "dook," in turn, entered me
via my mouth.

I felt myself die.

I was possessed.
I was possessed.

It came in right in my mouth.
I have a babadook in my mouth.

Hit.

Oil extract from a babadook
wards off evil spirits.

Yep.

Hands stimulation
is the best procedure

To extract the most 'dook oil.

The best.

You see where this is going?
I do.

Gent...

Gently...

Look at Max.
Can't get it out.

Gently massage that 'dook.
Get that oil.

I will now rub
actual babadook oil

On my partner's face
to protect his soul.

I'm gonna get the 'dook
all over his face.

Wait, wait.

Oh. Oh, my god.

Fresh from the 'dook.

Oh, my god.
Now you got a dookie face.

I jerked off a 'dook for that.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

I jerked... jerked...

Look at these guys' face!

Just by show of hands,

Do any of you think
that the presentation

Is ready to go right now,
by show of hands?

- Okay.
- Oh!

Yeah, yeah.
Don't worry about it.

You did good. Thank you so much.

How you doing, guys?
Welcome, welcome.

We are paranormal enthusiasts.

Alright.

So, first,
"ghosts, goblins, and ghouls:

Our experience
with paranormal beings."

Okay, types of spirits.
Here we go.

Number one, ghost...
Female spirit.

Number two.
Ghoul... male spirits.

Yes. Number three is...

Gabaghoul...
Italian male spirit.

The gabaghoul.

Number four is...

A Ghoulmah. Yeah, a...
A Ghoulmah.

A Ghoulmah is, of course,
an extramarital spirit.

Okay.

So, the question is,
are spirits in this room?

In the top drawer,
we have something for you.

Pull that out, Q.

In top drawer.
We have something for you.

Pull that out, Q.

Okay. So this is what we call
a spirit finder.

Really a stud finder,
so use it on the wall.

Oh!

You guys hearing that?

- Pretty good?
- Oh!

That is a ghost for sure!

Moving on.

If you don't mind.

I can't believe
they are still sitting there.

If they oblige this...

I'll collect them.

Great, and...
Oh, wow.

Here we go.

They're actually getting them
to take their shoes off.

Dude, that's crazy! I did
not think that would happen.

Okay, thank you.

Just by show of hands alone,

If you think that
this presentation is ready

To take out to the public,

Please raise your hands
right now.

Nah. Sorry, guys.

I hear the spirits.

Murr and Q got spooked
during this challenge,

Making Murr tonight's big loser.

Murr is our big loser.
And today, buddy,

We have set up for you
a very special acting class

Taught by the very special
David cross.

- Okay.
- That's right. Now, James...

Are you familiar with the
sense memory acting technique?

- Sense?
- No.

It's the acting technique

Of experience
something firsthand for real

So that you can recall it later
in an actual scene.

Okay. Yeah.

And I got some rather advanced
acting experiences.

This is way too vague.

What do you think's
gonna happen?

I feel like something's going
inside me at some point.

Alright, so,
David's about to go in there

And teach a class
on sense memory.

Hi. I'm David cross,
and I'm gonna be teaching.

What we're gonna utilize
is sense memory.

Okay. Let's do a scene.

We dug coal together.

Murr... throw your hand up
right now, Murr.

Throw your hand up right now.

Murr, this is you, buddy.

It's all about sense memory,
baby.

You've got black lung, okay?

So, this one
is a spoonful of cinnamon.

Boyd succumbs
to his black lung

And must say farewell
to his best friend.

I just put it on my tongue?

Yeah. And just talk with it
in the scene.

This is what it's like
to have black lung.

How do I not breathe
when I'm talking?

Well, that's on you. Okay.

There you go, Murr.

Murr... look at Murr.

Okay, great.

Okay, here we go.

Right, so that's... use it.

Use it, use it, use it.

Don't you give up on me now,
Boyd.

You've been digging coal to...

You're gonna do it again!

Slow down.

Do his voice!

You got to enunciate, though.
I know...

I'm trying, Dave cross!

I definitely have
black lung, buddy.

So much black lung.

Whoa, that looks awful.

Okay, great. Very good.

Wow.

So, the next sense memory
we got lined up,

This is a little bit
more advanced.

Murr... throw your hand up
right now, Murr.

It's basically...

Yeah?
I'll do it.

You said advanced. I'm in.

Okay. Come on up, James.

And I need two more.

Bridget and Tina.

So that's Bridget and Tina.
They're with us.

This is called
"the trail."

First scene, it's cannibalism.

You're going to be
portraying somebody

That has to eat
another human being.

So, this one is bull testicle,
and...

This is a bull testicle.

In the rockies
during the harsh winter,

The settlers turned
to cannibalism to survive.

Alright, James, you're the one
who wanted the advanced, okay?

Yeah. Alright.

Just shove those bull balls
into your mouth, babe.

Okay. There you go. Great.

I know it seems gross. Use that.

That is not a bull testicle.
That is...

A real testicle.
That's a real testicle.

Alright? Like a human.

That's what you got to use.
Okay?

Okay. Here we go.

Oh!

Action.

You need strength.

We will not consume
the flesh of another.

It's against god.
Then you're already dead.

John chomps down
the piece of flesh defiantly.

Defiantly.

Oh, here we go.
And bite that nut.

Bite that nut. Bite.

Bite that nut.

Bite that nut.

Eat it, Murr. Eat it!

Oh.

Oh! Oh, my god!

You got to rip it off.
This is visceral.

This is... use it. Come on, now.

Let's go.

- I got...
- Alright.

If you don't...

Oh, my god, it's disgusting.
It's stringy.

Well, that was...
It was... okay.

Since he didn't eat that one,

Maybe you keep him onstage,
David.

James, I'm gonna have you stay.

"Crimson fields"...
This is also advanced.

This is where
it turns up a notch.

Yeah.
This is turning it up a notch.

This is gonna be a ghost pepper.

James, put this glove on.

What is... what is ghost pepper?

It's, like,
one of the hottest peppers.

Yeah, it's a very hot pepper.

He doesn't know what's coming.

Oh, no.

Only touch it
with the gloved hand, okay?

Do you understand?
This is serious, okay?

And you need to eat this.

Take a bite out of it?

Like, eat the pepper. Yeah.

This is about as sense memory
as it gets, okay?

Is this dangerous?
It's up there.

You're gonna be fine.
We got some water.

Can we get some water for him?

So when do I do this?

Right now, at the beginning. Oh.

And then we'll start the scene.
Okay.

Okay, ready?

Lord rodanthe realizes
he's been mortally poisoned.

Here we go!

Oh, god. Are we ready?

This one is gonna be
extra lethal.

- Oh!
- Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

This is gonna be
a ghost pepper.

Here we go.

Oh, god. Are we ready?

This one is gonna be
extra lethal.

Okay, you've been poisoned.

Oh, trust me,
you're never gonna forget this.

Again, James, you volunteered.

Oh! Alright, great.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Mm!

Oh, my god. Okay.

Oh! Here we go.

My dear...

...You must not leave me here

To fend for myself
amongst the crows.

Curse that viper,
lord red stone.

I spit on his name. Ooh!

And I-I fear it was my...

Use it, use it.
You've been poisoned.

- I fear...
- Oh, my god. I can't.

I fear it was, my darling,

That blackguard
robed in men's dress.

Oh, my god.

Is he gonna die?

He does look poisoned.

I fear not, my love.

I wish for your...

Okay. Don't use it all at once.

Oh, my god. Pace it out.

Grieve not, my darling,

For I leave this realm
without fear of pain.

Seasonal... season...

That was awesome. Wow!

Am I killing it or what?

Murray. Murray, you're a god!

I was the best of the class.

This is the last one.

David, when the student
is ready, the master appears.

Here you go to be in scenes.

We're gonna elevate this.
So, you do this.

What's that?

We're gonna superglue
both fingers together.

What's that?

I'm just gonna krazy glue
my fingers

Interlocking right now?

What's the words?
What do we say?

- Use it. Use it.
- Use it.

Look at Murr. He's starting
to get real beat down, man.

Dave can't find his wallet

While out to dinner
with his fianceé.

Are your hands stuck together,
bitch?

This is how we send Murray home
packing right now.

- Is this your wallet?
- Yes, sir.

Okay. We take this and...

No, no.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

You can't pay.
That sucks, right?

I can't use it now.

You just cut
my real credit cards.

I know. Sit. Let's use it.

Feel it, feel it, feel it.
Ready?

- Yes.
- I can't believe what just happened.

Dave reaches for his wallet,
pats his pants, shirt pocket,

Can't find nothing but lint.

Shoot! What?

I don't have my wallet. Again?

This is all my fault!

Of course it's your fault.
Who else's fault would it be?

Let's see what we got.

Look at the... look at them.

You have to use this.
You cannot cut...

I know. I get it.
Okay, but we can cut that one.

No, no, no, no, no!
That's my debit.

We didn't even tell him
to do it.

Dave's going rogue.

You can't pay. Let's go.
Let's do the scene.

Yes, let's do it!

Oh, shoot! What?

I don't have my wallet!

What's wrong with your hands?

Yes!

And scene.

- Oh, my god.
- Jesus Christ, that was awesome.

Thank you.

Alright, David.
Great job, buddy.

Now take your seat, James.
Take your seat.

Nailed it.