Impractical Jokers (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 21 - Toll Booth Corrector - full transcript

Coming up: why is Joe getting
his hands dirty?

They're trying to make me wear
gloves when I clean the "turlets"

Will Murr reap what he sows?

You don't bruise a man's fruit!

And which losing Joker will be the gatekeeper
from Hell in tonight's punishment?

C'mon pal, let's go.

Prepare for something amazing!

Hey mustache, what's up?

Like a boss!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!



Hang tight, dude.

Today we're working as nutritionists
conducting consultations with potential clients.

While doing these consultations, we'll have
to do and say what the other guys tell us.

And at the end we'll ask them if they want to
continue to be a client of ours.

If they say no, you lose.

They're gonna say no!

[Joe] Okay, here we go.

Murray's opened up a Duane Reade here

There's DayQuil, Imodium, Ricola, Advil
-There's two bags

Two bags of Halls. Not two packs!
Two bags of Halls!

At what point do you stay home,
is the question.

The show must go on, gentlemen.
-The show must go on.

I get all that. But what's with the
shampoo and tampons?

So, did they tell you what we're doing here today?
Just asking some questions?



Yeah, cuz I'm been eating vegan for
the past year and a half.

Uh, food habits?

A lot of beans... legumes...

I'm sorry, what?

What was that last one?
-You've never heard of a legume in your life.

A "luh goom"?

L E G U M E

You're probably thinking of lettuce.

Are you thinking of lettuce?
-No.

Oh, you mean gum in French? "Le gum"?

I got it, I wrote it.

Do you know what a legume is?
-I got it now.

In French, they call it "le gum".
It's gum.

No.
-"lay gum"

It's like seeds...
[Sal] No it's not.

And uh...
-No it's not.

It's a word for beans and seeds and...

Oh! Beans and seeeeeeeeeds.

"Lay goom"!

Do you have any food allergies?

[voice] Nut check. Nut check.

Oh your nut check when off. That means
you have to have an almond.

It's a nut check. What happened was...

I got to make sure I eat enough nuts...
almonds... in a day.

So what I do is I have an alarm that goes off
that tells me when it's time to eat.

Nut check. Got you.

Truthfully, I'd be a lot heavier if I
didn't have this tapeworm.

Like, I would be a lot heavier if
not for...

Nut check.

Tapeworms.

I mean, gosh, there's no fat
people in Heaven!

There are no fat people in Heaven.

They're just... they're just not there.

How did Heaven come into play?

You know if you go to Heaven and
you see fat people there, you're gonna be like

"this is a scam"

Q, start writing and then just look up and
say "did you just sneak a Twizzler?"

Uh, hold on one second...

Legumes...

Yeah.

Did you... did you just
sneak a Twizzler?

No.

Did you just sneak a Twizzler?

No.

Insubordinate.

Insubordinate.

[voice] Nut check. Nut check.

Nut check.

Does that every 5 minutes go off?

It's uh... it's a very specifically timed program.

It goes by biometric data.

Uh, so like, you ever...
-Nut check. Nut check. Nut check

It's becoming very aggressive.

[voice] Nut check. Nut check. Nut check.

[muffled] It randomly sets by biometric...

Nut check.

Did you need me to keep saying
"nut check" into the mic?

Nut check. Nut check.

Do you think that you would be interested
in taking...

...me on as a "nutritioner"

Okay.

Alright, well thank you very much.
I appreciate it.

[Joe] Great job, buddy.

Fake!
[Joe] Fake phone?

Hi, how are you?

So I'm just going to go through
a bunch of questions with you.

So a typical day of eating for you. Would
you say you have

three meals? Would you say you have
snacks in there?

So, because I'm an athlete, so I do boxing...

it's just two meals per day.

I'll tell you some real life knowledge I got.
-Tell you something I learned.

A good way to eat well...
-A good way to eat well...

is take a bite of something healthy...
-is take a bit of something healthy...

Every time [Sal] Every time that you...
[Joe] You have like a dirty thought.

You have like a ohmmmmm....

I like to eat something healthy or a healthy snack
every time I have a thought about...

Let's say uhmmm....
Uh.....

A vacation. Or like intimacy! As a...

As a healthy adult male we have these
thoughts. It's documented!

Sal, we put some celery there for you.

Here, for example.

I always keep fresh stuff on hand.

So I'll just eat my celery.

Every time I think of, you know, intimacy.

That's interesting.

And you said you were a boxer.
Do you spar?

And do you spar with men? Women?

Both. [Joe] Take a bite of celery.
But you spar with women? -Yes

Interesting.

It's gross. The celery is not washed.

The celery's not washed!

Off-the-shelf celery, bud.
Not washed at all.

I'll leave that there for now.

Any food allergies?
-No.

If you were sent back in time for a week,
do you think you could eat a whole dinosaur?

If you were sent back in time for a week,
could you eat a full dinosaur?

A full dinosaur? You mean for a whole day?
What do you mean?

I give you a week. You eat that whole dinosaur?
-Yeah.

I want you to grab that dummy and put
it on the table right next to you.

Let me just...
let's go through this.

Alright, I want you to explain how food
digestion works but be completely wrong.

So, as far as like the digestive tract.

[Joe] Food can linger in the breasts for
almost a day.

Food is stored in different parts of the body
we're unaware of.

For example...

A lot of people do not know that food
can be held in the breast area for up to a day.

Interesting.

How does it get stuck there, may I ask?

How does it get stuck there? Interesting.
It kinda stops in that area. Yeah.

Also, the throat is where urine is produced.

Urine...

starts in the throat.

That's kinda gross.
-Yeah.

You know, this whole thing, it connects from
the top to the bottom.

This whole thing, everything in our body...

it's all connected. And it goes from the top
to the bottom.

Hole to hole.
-You know, hole to... the other hole.

Yep.

So, if you had the chance to become
a client based on...

on meeting today. You would say...?
-Yeah.

Yes, okay.

[Q] I knew it, I knew it.

[Joe] Murr, here's an idea. Be looking
for something behind that couch

when the guy walks in.

Say "have a seat, I'll be right with you."

Have a seat, I'll be right with you.
-Okay.

One second.

I dropped a nickel.
-I dropped a nickel.

[Sal] Buffalo, buffalo!
-It's a buffalo one, I collect them.

Oh, okay. Okay, nice.

Alright, Murr, ready?
Give me... 6 minutes there.

What... what's your name, bud?
-Chad.

Chad? -Yes
-James, nice to meet you. I'm a nutritionist here.

Take me through your eating habits.

Chad, take me through your eating habits.

Um, my eating habits are like... when I wake
up in the morning...

I'll have cereal. -Yeah, cereal.
-And I'll have like, eggs

and I'll have bacon, you know

Do do are you [stammering] are you fit?
Do you look good?

Yeah! Yeah!

You are good looking. You're fit. You're great.
-Thank you.

If I had a nickel...
-I tell you what, Chad, if I had a nickel...

Slowly work your way behind the couch.

And I just try to pace myself and...

just try to get some good rest at nighttime as well.

Actually, me and my girlfriend we
was thinking about joining a gym.

Sometime soon, because you know...

Yeah. -Trying to stay fit. But uh...
Are you alright?

Yeah, I've just... I've almost got it.

What's the longest you ever stuck
to a diet, Chad?

Um... I'd say about 6 months.

And it was so funny...
-That's great, Chad, that's excellent.

Murray, try and sneak out of the
room without him seeing you.

Is this a gold-plated nickel or something?

How often do you eat fried foods, Chad?

How often do I eat fried foods?
I eat fried foods, uh...

Take me through a whole day
of eating, yesterday.

Okay, um...

Yesterday I ate, uh... what did I have
yesterday? I had uh...

You keep going, keep going, Chad.
-Okay, yeah yeah

Yesterday in the morning, I had some chicken.

[Q] Go go go go

But not all the time, not all the time.

[Jokers laughing]

[Q] Alright go go go!

[keeps talking about diet]

[laughing]

What the hell?

What if I go in right now and I'm like
"hey what's up, are you Chad?"

I'm the nutritionist! I'm the nutritionist!
Oh my god!

I'll do my turn.
Oh my god, right into his turn!

Right into Joe's turn!

[Sal] Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!

[Q] Alright, go go go!

What the hell?

What if I go in right now and I'm like
"hey what's up, are you Chad?"

I'm the nutritionist! I'm the nutritionist!
Oh my god!

I'll do my turn.
Oh my god, right into his turn!

Right into Joe's turn!

[Sal] Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, I'm good. How you doing?

Good how are you?
-Good, good.

We having fun in here?

We having fun in here? I...

Hi, I'm Joe, I'm the nutritionist.

Hey, Joe, how you doing?

What's your name? -Chad
-Chad, good to see you.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

So, we're just basically trying to
get some nutritional information?

Joe, at some point you got to notice that
your lucky buffalo nickel is missing.

...it's been on and off. Throughout
my life, you know. On and off as...

I'm sorry I just [stammering], I was looking
for my buffalo nickel.

You looking for what?

I have a [stammering] a lucky buffalo
nickel that I leave on my desk.

That was given to me by
my grandfather.

There was a guy in here, I don't know his
name. He was looking for a nickel.

There was a guy looking for my
grandfather's buffalo nickel

that he carried in World War 2?

"Pulp Fiction" the story: my grandfather
carried it up his ass.

Yeah, well, it's the buffalo nickel that
my grandfather took back from World War 2

He carried it as a good luck charm, my grandfather did.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah!

He stored it in his ass the whole time.

I came in here, and I saw him

on this... on this couch. And he was trying
to find a nickel.

That's why the couch was out here?
-Yeah!

Press him for a description of
who stole the nickel.

What did... what did he look like?

Bald guy, he's kinda skinny.
-Bald guy, skinny.

Yeah, he got glasses on.
-Bald guy, skinny, glasses.

Was he a white mother****?

Was he a white mother****?
-Yeah.

"Is he a white mother****"!
-White, bald, mother****

stole my grandfather's buffalo nickel!

I'm sorry we're doing your thing, but

It's hard for me to accept that some bald, white
mother**** comes in here and steals my grandfather's
buffalo ass nickel

And ****, and ducks out!

Alright, based on all this information, do you think
you'd like to take another nutrition class with me?

Yeah, yeah.

So, that's a yes for me.

How about for that bald mother**** that
was behind the couch?

I don't know him, so I'd say no.
-You'd say no.

I lost! After all that, I lost!?

Murr got nickel and dimed

so he's first up on the loser board.

Today, Joe and Q are working at Fairway
Supermarket, and that's it!

They quit.
-Yeah, we quit!
-But...

the weird reason they're quitting is going
to be given to them by Sal and I.

The goal is to get a stranger to agree
that we should quit for the stupid reason.

If they don't agree that you should quit...
You know. Loser. -Yeah

You're a loser.
-We're quitting anyways.

[Murr] Alright Joseph.
[Q] Joey Gatt.

On his last day of work.

What's the matter, buddy?

You heard? -No.
-Yeah.
-What?

Today I think's gonna be my last day here.

I just want to let you know it's been a
pleasure serving you these past 10 years.

It's been a pleasure serving you
for the past 10 years.

It... this store is not opened 10 years.

No, I mean, with the company.

Well, I had to quit. I mean it's been...

They're making me wear gloves now
when I clean the "turlets"

They're trying to make me wear gloves
when I clean the "turlets"

Ohhh...

I don't want to wear gloves. I want to get in
like at home, you know, you clean...

Yeah, yeah.
-You know how it is when you clean

They said you either have to wear the
gloves or you have to quit.

And I said, I'm a man of principle.

You're forcing my hand.

Yeah...

So I should quit, right?
I should quit.

Well, I think it's for your health.

My health?

Well, if there's something in there...
-Yeah
And you touch your face or your mouth...

That's why!

I've had pink eye for 7 years.

Maybe that's why I have chronic pink eye.
-Yeah!

So I shouldn't quit.
-I don't think you should.

Okay.

You can not get someone to agree.

And make sure that you wash the
fruit when you get home, hon.

I will.
-Great.

Hey, sir, you need any help with anything?

Yeah, I ask only because it's my last day. I'm quitting
today. So if you want any help with anything...

I'm on my way out the door.

Yeah. Here's the thing. Let me ask you
your opinion on it actually if you don't mind.

Tobey Maguire shops here

and I don't want him to know what
I do for work.

Tobey Maguire shops here

Yeah. And I don't want him to see

where I work.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't want Tobey Maguire of all people
coming in here...

looking at me and being like "Hey

I'm Spiderman, and you're this dope

in a suit working here."

Can't get big-timed by Tobey!

Everytime I come to work, Tobey
Macguire is big-timing me!

I know he made millions of
dollars off Spiderman.

But that gives him the right to
come in here and look at me like

I'm a bad guy!?

[Sal] Looks like a lunatic!

I'm not a villain! I don't inject
myself with crazy goblin stuff

and take over Times Square!

He's gonna come HERE and judge ME!?

Right?

What do you think? Should I quit?

I think I'm getting worked up.
Should I quit?

I should quit!?

Thank you, thank you very much!

I should quit.

[Joe] Good job, buddy.
[Murr] Wow, that was tough.

Q is on to bigger and better things
while Joe is stuck on the loser board.

Today we're going head-to-head,
playing a game we call...

Angry mob debate!
-That's right.

While chatting with strangers in
the park, an angry mob

lead by one of the other Jokers
will run up to us

and accuse us of something crazy.

We'll have to defend ourselves. And the goal
is to convince the stranger to take your
side in the argument.

Whoever the stranger agrees with wins
and the other guy loses.

[shouting]
-Let's get into it!

Excuse me, is there a pool up there?

They have this tour of the park

of different tree tour.
But I don't see a pool.

Alright Q, go get him.

Alright, boys, where's he at!?

There he is, boys!

[commotion]

Where's he at!?

It's great.
-There he is, boys!

There he is!

Oh, gosh. These guys again.

You bald little ferret dude!

This is one of our...

more... more "out there" ideas.

You bruised our fruit, bro! Excuse me, ma'am.

He bruised my fruit!

It's not my fault, okay? There was a child who
that reaching the fruit and could've

fell out of the carriage it was in.
So I helped the child

and picked it up. And one rolled on the
ground. And now all the farmers, from
the farmer's market

are peeved at me!

You move the child! You don't
handle a man's fruit!

You don't handle a man's fruit!

[farmers yelling]

Calm down. I'm not in the wrong here!

I'm not going to allow
a human being

to get hurt, over a piece of fruit!

I have a choice between a human,
and a fruit

I choose the human. Am I right, ma'am?

[farmers] That's right! That's right!

We're vegan! We're vegan! We're vegan!

Wait, did I win or lose?

She said go vegan. Fruit's vegan.
Murr, you lose, buddy.

You won? You won?

Yeah! Get him boys!
[shouting]

[Joe] Run, Murray, run!

[Murr] This is the dumbest thing I've ever done.

Murr was on the wrong side of this fruit
dispute. Making him tonight's big loser.

Alright! Murr is our loser!

Today, you are working at an outdoor
parking lot

tending to the gate as people leave.
-Okay?

What else?
-Hang tight, dude.

[Q] Look at ya

Looking good, bud
-Alright, fellas.

What am I doing?
Hang tight, dude.
-Hang tight, dude.

I'm hanging tight?
-No, not you.

That's what you're going to say to
ANYONE trying to leave the parking lot.

Until you complete the task that
we've given you.

I get it. I get it.

[Sal] And away we go!

[Murr] Hello, how are you?

[Joe] Okay, so, Murr, right behind you
is an inflatable flamingo.

Hang tight, dude.

Hang tight, one second, dude.

I just got to get this, real quick.

Uh, the pool.

[air blowing into the flamingo]

[Joe] He put the hand out with the ticket!
-[Sal] Oh my god

How is he not like, "Hey buddy,

take the #### flamingo out of your
mouth, and run my card"?

[muffled] Almost there, almost there.

You're not there. You're not even
close to there.

[Joe] Look look there's air in it, finally!

Five minutes, twenty seconds he's been at the gate!

C'mon let's go, let's go.
I gotta go.

[muffled] Hang tight, dude.

[Sal] Yeahhhh, the screws are being turned!

He just said "I'm gonna drive right through it".
-[Sal] Oh my god, oh my god.

I hear you. Yep, yep.

God bless this man.

He's losing patience.

After seven minutes.

[Joe] Ahhh, home stretch! Home stretch!

[Q] Hold tight, dude. Almost there!

There we go. Look at this!

There you go. You have a good day, okay?

Alright, Murr. Wow!

[Joe] Not bad, buddy.
-[unintelligible] I'm gonna frickin' die!

In my entire life, I might have been in

three fights.
[Q] Right.

None of which I started.
None of which I wanted to be in.

I would be throwing haymakers
right now.

There's another car here guys.
There's another car. What do I do?

Hang tight, dude.

[Murr] Hi!. -Hello.
-Hang tight, dude. One sec.

Alright, Murr. Get out of the booth.

Yep. One sec.

There's a blanket on the ground.
-Yep.

[Q] What's that?
-Jigsaw puzzle.

Hey Murr? [as Jigsaw] Do you want to play a game?

Hang tight, dude. I just gotta...

do this jigsaw puzzle real quick.
-Okay, no problem.

[Q] No problem?!

[Murr] Oh god...

[Sal] This one's straight up
egregious, is the word for this.
-That's right.

Hang tight, dude, hang tight.
-Okay, no problem.

[Joe] Murr, they both have eyes.
Those don't go together.

This is an ages 3 to 5 puzzle?

Murray went to Georgetown!

[car horn honking]

[Jokers] Oh here we go, here we go.

[woman] What is going on?!

[Q] This isn't going to go well.

[Murr] Hang tight, dude. I just got to do
this jigsaw puzzle real quick.

[car horn honks]

[Jokers] Oh here we go, here we go.

[woman] What is going on?!

[Q] Whoaaaaa, Murr!

He's getting heat from the
second car in line. Finally!

Hang tight, dude.
-What?
Hang tight.

What's going on? I'm sorry,
I have to get somewhere.

Could you get us out of here or what?

Yeah, I just have to get this
puzzle done real quick.

Look, like I already got that...
-Look, there's a line of people here!

[Jokers] Whooooaaa!

There's 4 cars on line.

I'm gonna knock the puzzle
off there in one second.

Yesssss!

That would slow me down. I would have
to start over again. I'm almost done.

[woman] Alright.

[Murr] I apolo... [stammers] now I...

She undid it?
-Yeah.

Alright, come on in here.
Here's your puzzle.

Ahhhh!
-She's talking to him like he's 5.

Great. -Come on, inside the cash register.
-Yes. -Do your thing.

Oh, I'm on lunch break.

No, no. We don't have any
lunch break when cars are here.

Alright, I'm going to do the
cash register thing.
-Okay.

[Q] She's in the booth!
[Joe] She's in the booth doing it!

We're gonna get you out. Then I
can get myself out.

Excuse me, can I just finish my
puzzle while you're doing that, if that's okay?

[Sal] Oh my god, Murr!

[Q] This is crazy.

Okay. You've paid. Go! Get out of here.

We're good, you're good. Thank you.

No, it's okay.

[Jokers] Ahhhhh!

[Q] Wow!

Bravo to these people. I would
be ringing his neck.

[Joe] Alright, Murr. Don't worry about
the rest of the puzzle. Just go on to the next thing.

Hey, how are you?

Hang tight, dude. One second.

[Sal] Murr, right under your desk is a box.
Open it, you see what it is?

That's it, buddy. Both legs.
Shave 'em up!

[Sal] He can leave when you're
done shaving your legs.

Now we want your hairless
before you get out of here.

[Murr] Just hang tight one sec.
Okay? Just gotta...

shave the legs real quick.

You're gonna shave your legs?

Hang tight, dude. Hang tight.

"Sure"!? How is everybody in
Jersey so nice!?

[Joe] This guy's weirdly into it.

Murr! You unbelieveably caught an ally again.

[Joe] He's filmin' 'em!

How long... does this take?

It's gonna be super quick.
Just hang tight, dude.

Have a seat, gentlemen.
You know how hairy I am?

[Sal] I can't talk to him while
he's shaving his legs.

Oh, you've never seen this before?

Missed a spot!

[Murr] I know, I'm...

[Joe] Unbelieveable.

[Q] Wow!

[car horns honking]
[Sal] Ah here we go. Finally!

Hang tight, dude, hang tight. I'm almost done.

Looks good, right?

[Joe] He cut himself! He's bleeding!

It's an active blood scene.

Thanks for hanging tight, dude.

[Joe] Murraaay!! Wow!

He got lucky on that one.
-He got so lucky!

[Joe] Oh, good luck with the next
guy, buddy. He's already pissed.

Alright, thank you, sir.

You know, the price is a little higher than
usual, because you stayed here so long.

Sir, are you #### nuts?

Ohhhh, my god!

I'm telling you right now, don't #### with me.

[Sal] He opened his door.

[Murr] No, it's free, you know. I'm
"comp"ing it. It's free. On us.

It's on us. Here's your card.

You have a great day.
Hey, by the way...

you ever hear of the TV show
"Impractical Jokers"?

Nice try, Murray!

Well done, pal!

It's free! Go on through!

[Joe] Great, buddy.

He's going to have bald legs for weeks!

Guys, seriously. #### you, dudes!