Impractical Jokers (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 11 - Card Against Humanity - full transcript

Coming up! Why is Sal giving
out some TLC?

It looks like it's a little "Lopez".

What's got Q barking up the wrong tree?

No, no, no stay away,
stay away no no no!

And which losing Joker will commit
flagrant party fouls in tonight's punishment?

Ohhhh!

Prepare for something amazing!

Hey, mustache, what's up?

I want my mommy!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!



[Murr] People love a good bush.

Today, we're working at Raymond
Opticians, and we're all working different jobs.

For instance, I'm the salesman.

I'm the receptionist.

I'm the eye doctor.

Somebody expecting a delivery?

We'll take turns assisting customers

and as we do, we'll have to do and
say whatever the other guys tell us.

The catch is, at any time we can call
for another guy to take over the interaction.

Whoever refuses the most, loses.

[broken pieces shaking around]

That's broken.

So, we all have a role today.

And Joe's our receiptionist. You
ready, bub? -Alright.



Here we go. I'm the "eye candy".

So this is like our version
of "hot potato".

We're just going to keep tossing
the situation to each other. -Right.

and whoever gets the most thumbs down
in that situation, loses.

But you can also throw it to any one
of the other guys at any given time.

This is a real "format buster".
-It is.

Hi, how are you?
-How you doing.

[Murr] Here we go.

Do you have an appointment?

Joe, check his I.D., of course.

Just gotta check your I.D.
Make sure it's the same.

And kiss his I.D. when you see it.

[Q] Kiss it.

Right. [smootch] Perfect.

Alright. So you're all set.
These are yours.

Yeah, I got a couple of questions.
-Couple questions?

Sure... I'm sure you do.

So, do you have a pair you like?
Yeah, let's take a look.

I'll actually have to get you the salesmen. Let
me call him up here, real quick. His name is Brian.

Hey, Brian?
-[Murr] Q, you're in. Q, you're in!

Well played.
-Good luck, buddy.

He called you in.

Nice, nice call.

Way to get yourself out of there.
-Well done. Nice.

Okay.

[bell jingles]

[Joe] See ya later.

Alright. -[Joe] Now you're the salesperson.
You greet whoever comes in.

How you doing, sir?

You need any help?
You're all set?

Did he get glasses?
What did he do?

What was your name? -David.
-Brian.

Uh, no, I'm, uh, sales. They just hired
me as sales here.

Okay.

David's suspect.

[Joe] You have some sort of cool
cartoon bug thing going on.

You know, you got a whole...

cool thing going on. You know?
Like a cool...

thing going on.

You're not going to
say it? Come on.

The leather jacket. Hold on.
The leather jacket.

You got yourself some sunglasses.

Like very specif... what
do you do for a living?

[Joe] Sorry, Q. There's
a thumbs down!

What are you here for?
You just picking up something?

Ah, well I have just the [unintelligible].
I'll get the doctor right out for you.

You're going to pass
me to him?

I'm going to get him right out.

Brian.

I have a 3 o'click.
I'm a little early.

Yeah yeah yeah. I'm going
to get that doctor.

Hey doc?

No. Do me a favor.
Don't get the doctor.

[Joe] The doctor is in.

David? -Yeah.
Hey, how are you?

Dr. Vulcano.

Hi, doctor.

Brian said you got here a little early

because you needed to get in and out
right away and you wanted me to hurry?

No!

No.

I could ask him.

Could we get Brian out here please?

You're back in!

You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready in a sec. Hey Brian?
-Hey, doc. I've been looking for you.

Yeah, you had said to me that he
said--he demanded--I hurry up

It must have been I
just miscontrued. I...

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready. -Let's go.
-Alright.

Alright. So I'm out. You're in?
-Well, I tried all I could.

Come with me right
this way, David.

Well done, Q.

Ophthalmologist.

Sal, the first thing you gotta do is you
gotta measure this guy's height

against the wall. Gotta see how tall he is.

Dave, Dave, before you sit:
Can I have you...

just step here?

Just step... [stammers] uh, yeah.

Okay, perfect.

Take a quick height.
Okay.

Next time you come in, we'll check.

Just for next time you come in,
we'll see if you grew at all.

The glasses that you're wearing now?

I have, honestly, I have no
idea what that means.

Minus 3? I honestly have no
idea what that means

but we'll continue.

[Q] Let me ask you a question.
Let me ask you a quick question while I'm filling out...

Where's Hoffa buried?

[Joe] Jimmy Hoffa.

Nope.

[Murr] He said "nope".

That's one thumbs down for you.

Just, uh, lean forward a little bit, David.

Okay, and just...
keep your right eye open.

Man, you got really nice
shit-brown eyes.

Slate blue eyes, huh?
-You got it.

That's two!

[Murr] Two thumbs down.

Sal, test his eyes by having
him follow your finger.

Just follow my finger with
both eyes, okay?

Okay, switch to your middle
real quickly in between.

Just follow my finger with
both eyes, okay?

Okay, switch to your middle
real quickly in between.

Alright, keep it [unintelligible]

He's... he's trying to ease into it.

Okay, and last one.

[Joe] Good job.

[Joe] So let's get on "them peepers".

Okay, so let's get on these peepers.
I'm going to lock this in right here.

Okay, that's good.

Both eyes open please.

Your left eye, actually...
[Q] Your left eye's Lopez.

Your left eye's a little Lopez.

Left Eye Lopez!

[Joe] Okay. And for lunch, did
you have Kung Pao chicken?

For lunch, you had Kung Pao chicken?

What?

For lunch, you had Kung Pao chicken?

Oh, okay. There's a delivery
coming right now.

He got ya!

I just got this Chinese food!

That's your food, go give it to him!
-It's my Chinese food!

Yes?
-Uh, Chinese food delivery?

Yes. -Yes.
-Thank you so much.

It's Kung Pao chicken and Lo Mein

Uh, it's 12.39.

Okay, um, you know I got to get my wallet
so I can pay for this. -Okay, sure.

Just give me one second.
-Okay.

You had the Kung Pao chicken?

No, I didn't get anything.
-Oh. Ah.

[Q] You got nice eyes.

You have nice eyes.

I used to be an optometrist.
-I actually went to school for optometry.

No joke.

I also went to Georgetown, but now
I'm delivering packages.

I also, I went to Georgetown
University

Now, I'm delivering
packages in Yonkers.

Nothing wrong with it.

[silence]

I left the cash with
the receptionist.

You could've given it to me.

Okay, just...

Okay, thank you.

Okay, can we just...

The last thing I gotta do with you
is I want you to read the chart.

[chucking] What's going on?

G E F A L

Murr. He didn't give you enough
money. He shorted you a dollar.

He shorted you a dollar!

Son of a bitch!

No tip.

Can you read it... yes?

You shorted me a dollar,
and there's no tip.

I'm with, I'm with a patient...

I'm sorry. I left it with the
receptionist I just said.

Receptionist? Get in there.

I left it with the receptionist!

I gave you it!

Sorry about the mix-up.

No...

He said I shorted you a dollar.

Give it to the delivery guy. I can't believe

[overlapping arguments]

David, get your things. You're fine.

You passed this with no problem, and I...

You'll get your pair...

Give him the Chinese food.

Could you do me a favor? Will you have the
lunch, please? Take the lunch.

Take the lunch, please.

Well, that's, you're right. You're
right not to eat it.

I mean, whose was this?

It's his.

It's my tip. It's my damn tip!
-Congratulations, buddy.

So, he lost.

What is this Chinese food?

That's mine, bring it in.
-That's Murray's, bring it down. -Okay.

Sal and Q failed this eye exam.
So they're first up on the loser board.

Today, we're taking turns recording
stranger's conversations in the park

using this ridiculous device.

When the person asks us why
they're being recorded

we'll have to give them an
explanation

that has been given to us
by the other guys.

If they ask you to stop recording
their conversation, you lose.

WHAT!?

You can't hear us?

WHAT?

🎵 [sneaky spy music] 🎵

[Q] There you go.

[Joe] Here he comes.
He's on the sweep.

Oh my god!

Just ignore. Just gettin' some audio.

There have been reports of a pervert
in the area, and I'm trying to get evidence.

There was reports of a pervert
in the area

so I'm just trying to
gather some evidence.

Is it you?

No no no no no no. I'm just
making sure it's not you.

Well, it could, it could be me.

You were going "full perv"
before I got over here?

They didn't give a report
on what the person looked like.

I would say...

tall, dark, and handsome?

So... would that be you, or...?

Did you just call me tall, dark,
and handsome?

I'm, I'm Sal. I'm actually [unintelligible]

I'm Valerie.
-Hey Valerie.

I'm actually a celebrity. I'm
on television.

Yeah, I'm actually a celebrity.
I'm on television.

Also, can I keep recording you?

Also, could I keep recording you?
Is that alright?

[Murr] Here he is.
[Q] There he goes.

[Murr] He's moving in.

Sorry, I didn't mean to, I
didn't mean to scare.

I noticed you stopped talking.

Could we get back to it?

Did you hear about Maureen
in accounting?

Trying to throw out topics.

What, Maureen in accounting? No, you guys
just talk about Maureen. I just need some audio.

[Murr] I leave this playing for my kid.

So he thinks he's not alone
at night when I sneak out.

I noticed you stopped talking.

Could we get back to it?

I just need some audio.

[Murr] I leave this playing for my kid.

So he thinks he's not alone
at night when I sneak out.

I leave these tapes playing for my
kids when I sneak out at night.

So they don't think they're alone.

Laughter's good. They'll feel safe.

You guys know
lullabies and ####?

Nothin'

🎵[dramatic, sneaky music]🎵

[Murr] Joe, they're talking again.
Run back!

It's cool that I
record this stuff, right?

I can use it for my children
at home when I sneak out?

Not a problem.

Ahhhhh!

The check comes in the mail, yeah.
Absolutely.

No check. This is for official
purposes only.

These women have given
consent without needing payment.

They are non-union.
Repeat. Non-union.

I also have the right to exploit
their voice with any means necessary

for voiceover work
and/or animation.

Here, we go! Hey!
-Oh, hey.

Ya know what it is, I'm recording.
I'm recording audio.

Look at the woman in purple.

You can talk too, it's okay.

I need to record over a weird
thing I did on these tapes.

I need to record over some, some,
some weird things I recorded on this tape.

Can you just talk to yourself,
because I can't be on...

I'm sitting here, taking my lunch.
And uh...

I remember when I was

in Saint Davis summer workshop.
They had me

talking. And I just kept talking, talking,
talking. So they filmed my mouth.

And then they said, "Well, that girl has a
problem with talking too much."

She's just narrating her life.

You don't mind that I'm
recording the audio?

You don't mind? Oh, great, great.

[Joe] Oh, now he's just
rubbing it in our face.

[Sal] I love this lady.

Yeah.
-This lady's the best.

...kids did she have.
Oh, hello.

[Murr] Oh, my god.
[Joe] It's genius!

Except too bad we're in a concrete park
in the middle of Brooklyn.

You've never heard of
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn?

Ah, my god.

🎵[sneaky spy music]🎵

You can just talk into the
bush. It's fine.

Yeah? Oh, no no. Stay away, no no no.

It's okay. I'm recording it
for um, uh...

[Joe] Because I believe there's a ghost in you

and the only way to tell is through audio.

I believe that there's a ghost inside of you.

and the only way to tell is through audio.
So just, go ahead.

No, no. I don't have
any ghost in me.

No no no, stay away.
-No, it's alright!

Don't get close.
You can stay over there.

It's okay. It's okay. Just keep going.
We'll get it out of you.

We'll get it out of you.

I'm not speaking to you anymore.
I'm speaking to the ghost.

I'm not ghost.

That's exactly what the ghost would say.

I, I think you are
like a little crazy.

I'm a little crazy?

Nooo! What makes you
say I'm a little crazy?

Just because I'm dressed as a
bush in the middle of Brooklyn

talking to you about the
ghost inside of you?

It's funny, but...
-Is it okay if I record you?

Yes!

Alright. Now "leaf" me alone.

[Joe] I can't believe it
worked on the first person!

People love a good bush.

I don't give you my permission
to record me.

Listen to this: Sal is
tonight's big loser.

Ah, surprise, surprise.
Sal is our loser.

We brought him up here to Monarch
Rooftop for a networking event.

Here's what you got to
do, bud. It's very simple.

We want you to give out
your business card

to who we think is the
most important person in the room.

And here is your only business card.

[Joe] Only.

There's only one person in that
party that's getting that card.

Okay?

You won't know if you gave it to the right
person until after you've given it to them

and we've told you right away.
-And then what happens?

And if you don't get it right, you've
got to take that card back

and give it to the next person.
Because they're not imporant enough!

Alright. I understand everything.

[Joe] So, we're invading New York
Cares' event.

This is real charity people.
Real charitable people.

These are good people. You should look them up.
-They're all important! But...

Sal's got to find the most
important person in this room.

Sal, he only has one business card.

[Joe] And here we go.

Hey Tim how are you?
-Hello.

Pleasure. -Sal? How are you.
-How's everything. -Good

This guy's like a bad-ass
Colonel Mustard.

The ascot's on point.

Oh, coat sorting. Okay.

Oh my goodness. That seems,
like, very important.

To be support, over a decade,
putting in the time.

[Joe] Oh, he's trying to sell us on being
important. He seems important. You're right.

You might be the most important guy in
here. I might have to stop.

[Joe] You have an ascot on.

Uh, I might be.
It's a good thing to do.

Let me, let me, let me
give you my card.

There you go. It says
Salvatore Bruno there:

philanthropist and entrepreneur.

I'd love it if you'd keep in touch. You've
got my number and my email there.

Thank you. I'll see you in a moment.
-Good. Alright, alright. -Okay.

Please say that's him.

No.

So when do we want to pick who the
most important person in the room is?

Let's give it a minute?

I'm going to feel it in my heart.

Hey, how you doing?

Elliot. Nice to see you.
What's going on?

Yeah, me too.

I'm an entrepreneur and a philanthropist.
But I worked in technology

bringing that to historically
disenfranchised communities.

[Together, laughing] "Disenfranchised communities"

Mostly Xbox.

What do you do?

Oh, excellent.

This guy seems super important.
-Yeah?

Let me give you my card.

If you ever wanted to do something...
we could do something with the school?

and we could do, like, a
technology initiative there.

[Q] Or if you ever just want to play like Call of Duty.
Or if you ever just want to play like Call of Duty or whatever.

Oh, actually.
[Other] Ohhhhh!

[Murr] No cards left.

Hold on one second.
Let me grab it for you.

[Murr] And so it begins.

[Joe] Ah, there he is!
-Tim.... bo!

Sal.

Yeah, yeah.
-This is not going to go well.

This is going to be bad.

[whistles]

So.....

[Joe] Okay, Sal. You have to get your business
card back from your new friend Tim.

Tim.... bo!

Sal.

Yeah, yeah.

[whistles]

This is going to be tough.
This is going to be tough.

So, so, so, Tim, I met uh...

I met a person over here who

I would like to

[Q] God, this sucks!

give my business card to.

Um.

Well

[Joe] "Well, why don't you!"

therein lies the rub, Tim.

I, uh, I gave you my last one.

If you wouldn't mind, uh...

Thank you so much.
Okay, thank you.

[Joe] Oh! And he dismissed him!

[Joe] Oh! And you got dismissed!

[Murr] Oh my god!

That is hard! -Wow! -Oh!

[Murr] Look at Sal's face. He's got
a thousand-yard stare on.

That was tough, bud.
-Ooh.

Elliot, there you go. It's got
my number and email on it.

I'd love for you to reach out.

Yeah.

Sal, he's not the most important
guy in the room. Take the card back.

Oh.

I, uh... [nervous chuckle]

I'm just seeing that that
guy over there

is from a publication

that I've been trying to

to get with for quite some time.

[Joe] And you have my only card.

Mmmmmm.

And you have my last card.

Is there any way that I
might be able to

have the card back?

Okay.
-So I can give it to him?

Yeah.

Thank you, Elliot.

Ohhhhhh.
-Oh my god!

[Q whimpering] Oh, I feel so bad...

Oh ho!
-God, Sal. -My god.

How's everything going, guys?

Okay.
-[Q] Sounds important.

Let me give you my card.

Philanthropist and entrepreneur.

Really?

Ohhh.
-Sal, get the card. Get it!

That's actually my last card. I'm going
to give it to Patrick.

Lucille Bluth does not like that ####.

Oh!

For the blind. Oh my god.
[Murr smugly] That's very important.

God, so if you don't...
I just want to...

Robby, I'm going to give to you.

You know what it is, I
only had the one. So...

I'm trying to figure out, who is the...

more import... yeah there it is.

Sal, spoiler alert.

Neither of them are
the important one.

[Joe] Get that card back.

[Q] Look at the hand, look at the hand!

[Murr] She caught you! She caught you.

It's a pleasure. Thank you.

That was great buddy.
-That was...

Jesus #### Christ.

Here's a hint. One of the people
you've already given the card to

was the most important
person in the room.

It was either Tim or Elliot.

They're standing together.

[raucous yelling]

[Joe makes air horn noise]

...collecting them before we get them.

So...

Alright.
-Yes.

It's Elliot. It's Elliot. It's Elliot!

Tim, wait. Tim, wait, wait, Tim!
Wait, Tim, wait. Tim, wait, wait, Tim!

Tim, can I just see that?

Can I just see that one second?

Tim, thank you. One second, one second.

Here you go, Elliot.

Thank you.
-Our work is done. Our work is done here.

Hey, thank you.

Okay, so, the guys gave
Sal the business

in this very important punishment

and now you get a behind-the-
scenes look at how it happened.

Cheers. Let me give you my card.

So if you're in a networking
event like this

this would never happen to you.
-No.

Because you're just the
most important person.

I'm the... always the most
important person.

So what would do if someone tried to...

I'd give the business card to myself.

You'd eat it?

Eat the business card.

That is one way to keep
a business card.

I was at a networking event once, and I
ran out of cards. I had one card left.

So that's what was the inspriation
for this whole thing.

I said, "Murr I should go get
that back", and we laughed.

But I didn't do it in real life.
-[Casey] Oh, no?

Fast-forward. 20 years later.

We're making Sal do it.
-You make Sal do it.

For years, I had my own business cards

and they were such scams.

What did they say?

Uh, director, executive producer,
producer...

writer.

Have you done even
those things now?

No, not really.

You've directed. You did direct.

I've directed short little movies, right?

Damned!, we've seen Damned!
-I directed Damned!

🎵[heavy metal]🎵

Holy ####!

[angry crowd yelling]

Sal's walking. Here we go.

Sal's walking!

"Christopher Walking".
-Say "Sal's walking".

Sal's walking.
-Sal's walking.

Sal's walking.

Have fun, buddy.
-Okay.

You want to go for me?

Okay, there go. It's your beverage.

Got my beverage.

Here's your beverage.

What is, what's this about?

It's a networking event.
Cheers, boys, to not being punished.

Oh, alright. This is some
networking I can get behind.

Sal's trying to figure out if people
in the room recognize him from the TV show.

This is a necessary step.
We have to walk around first.

Before we start.

So, right behind you in the
oversized, blue, crushed velvet chair.

She looked straight at me, had a huge
smile and is looking over here now.

It might be because I'm attractive.
It might not be.

Here's another news flash.
I don't know what I'm doing here.

It's a networking event.
-Yeah, you're supposed to be making connections.
-Network!

I know but they... all these
people work for "who cares".

[Joe] No! Not "who cares"

Murray runs "who cares".

That's Murray's charity. "Who cares"

How are you enjoying it?

So then, you're not very important
here in this situation?

Gotcha. I'm [unintelligible].
Thank you very much.

Work in the technology sector.
-Really?

Okay, well, what type of
technology? I mean, because...

Oh, now he's got to give details!

Like, uh, it's like... routers.

And, you know, like, um...

"Mouses"

Like, uh... "mouses" we bring.

Keyboards. Uh...

"blue toof"

[Joe] "blue toof" speakers.

"Blue toofs"

floppy "dicks"

...chips here and there. Floppy
"dicks" and stuff like that.

🎵[upbeat jazzy music]🎵

Guys... as the doctor...

Yeah.
-Today.

Is it a doctor? -Yes.
-An optometrist?

Yeah, I'm a doctor of eyes.

Alright.

No listen, you're my sales guy.
That's a bad attitude.

I signed up to move product.
Not to bolster your profession.

You signed up to move product for me!

I don't respect you as a doctor.

Listen to me: the way you
react to me reflects

on, you know, the whole
place here.

I mean, he doesn't reflect on me.

Thank God.

Do I own the whole place as a doctor?

Am I Raymond?