I'm Sorry (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Miss Diana Ross - full transcript

(bouncy upbeat music)

I thought it was really good.

You thought it was really good?

Yeah, I like that kind of movie,
the intrigue and the,

I thought it was great.

- Intrigue?
- Yeah.

The performances were great.

It was an aristocratic
Victorian romance.

I found it intriguing.

Wow, well, all I could think about

was how bad their banging
must have smelled.



Oh, they're banging, now,
in Elizabethan England.

Sorry, Mike, plowing.

I mean...

Their clothes and underwear
were getting washed like, what,

once a year,
and then they're just in rooms

with pots filled with poop?

I never think about that stuff.

How is that possible?

It's literally all I can think about.

You've never thought about what happened

to those poor women when
they got their periods?

No.

I mean, where they just forced
to lounge around in old blood rags?

How is everything?



So good, thank you.

Please don't ruin this
restaurant for me.

Well, if you do,
we've got the new Italian coming in.

Yeah, I don't think that's happening.

- Why?
- People are freaking out about parking

- and traffic congestion.
- Traffic congestion?

For a restaurant that's
replacing another restaurant.

Because people in this
neighborhood need to fucking relax.

- Yeah, they do.
- They are (coughs)

so (coughing) precious.

Are you okay?

(continues coughing)

If I don't make it, tell Amelia (coughs)

she's just okay (coughing).

Now I'm being punished
for that (coughs) joke.

(continues coughing)

(squeaking) Still it
was totally worth it.

(upbeat bass music)

Hey, do we need free dirt?

- What?
- Or do we have

a seismic retrofit contractor
we can recommend?

I don't understand what's happening.

What is happening is I'm
enjoying a lovely evening

I thought you were
looking for babysitters.

I am, I'm on NextDoor
looking for babysitters.

I gotta say there's a couple
very strong options.

Most notably, Christie M.
who has reiterated her offer

- of filthy cheap childcare.
- Oh, god, no.

She says, "Pay me whatever you want,

just as long as I can use
you as a recommendation."

Can't we just keep using Sarah?

The woman who just texted
us in the middle our movie,

"Does Amelia need dinner?"
followed by this emoji?

(chuckling) Oh, yeah, that wasn't great.

But in other NextDoor news,

people are not happy with
our neighborhood Sandy,

the artist formerly known as Shorts.

- Really, why?
- Well, you know

he's been Airbnb'ing his house,

and of course, everybody's up in arms.

Well, it is strangers
in the neighborhood.

Do we need to call the town crier,
there's strangers in the neighborhood?

- Okay.
- Get them to ring the bell.

- All right.
- I'm just saying,

we're the ones who share
a driveway with them,

and we haven't had a problem.

That's true, hey, when you're done

with your intimate rendezvous
with NextDoor here,

I may have a surprise for you.

I feel like this is a trick.

I got courtside Laker tickets
from Julie at work today.

Fuck your face!

What, how?

I think it might involve a divorce,
so I didn't ask a lot of questions.

I have questions.

Can I ask the questions?

After we get the tickets.

Well, you have really done it now,
Michael Harris, haven't you?

What did I do, what's going on?

I am going to appear
nude in front of you.

Do I get to do stuff to you?

No, you do not,
I am going to stand here nude

in front of you in this
extremely unflattering light

in a gesture of thanks
for your generous work.

I'm still in.

How are there so many goddamn buttons
on this fucking shirt?

It's just gonna take a minute.

Okay, I'm cool with it.

Okay, this one
is legitimately not opening.

- There it goes.
- All right.

There you go, thank you for all
the hard work you have done.

You're not really nude,
you know that, right?

Don't make me actually get fully nude,

'cause then I have
to put it all back on,

and there's like so many buttons.

Grammy loves you so, so much.

Grammy loves you so, so much.

I got a new app.

You know what,
you put yourself in a suit

and comb that mustache down,
you could be

the world's greatest kindergarten
teacher, Mr. Castalati.

Oh, stop, he doesn't look like that.

He looks a little like that.

Mommy, can I make one of those videos?

Sure, go for it, bubs.

I wanna see what Walter
looks like in a mustache.

Great, then I can see
Mr. Castalati's mustache

everywhere I go.

Well, from what I understand,

you know that mustache
backwards and forwards.

- And upside down.
- Ooh!

I don't love you even being mock aroused

by my primary educator erotic dreams.

Hey, honey, do we have more trash bags?

Other than the one on your body?

I'll find them.

Okay, are you just
purposely torturing me

- with this tank top?
- Oh my god,

I'm just doing chores around the house.

I mean, who cares?

So many people care, I care!

Really?

I think he looks wonderful.

He's got the arms for it.

You hear that?

My mom likes it, how does that feel?

- Actually, it feels great.
- Really?

Thanks, Sharon,
for the lovely compliment.

Oh, god, oh, whoa, there it is.

- Good morning, marijuana!
- What?

The past couple of days,
this has been our breakfast routine.

Yeah, our neighbor Sandy's
Airbnb'ing his house,

and apparently the new
tenants very much enjoy

their morning cannabis.

I would not be pleased if that
were happening next to me.

Are you gonna say something?

Mom, they're smoking weed,
not meth, okay?

And more importantly, there is no world

where I am gonna say
something to Shorts.

- Why?
- Because I am the reason

that Shorts no longer wears shorts,

and probably the reason he
no longer feels comfortable

living in his own home.

- Definitely the reason.
- Mm, what is that?

It smells like pizza!

You know what, I think the neighbors
are making breakfast pizza.

Now I want breakfast pizza.

That does sound very, very good,

but I think I'm gonna close the window

because breakfast pizza
gives Grammy panic attacks.

Oh, Grammy's never
even had breakfast pizza.

You know they have
these special cards now

for breakfast pizza.

You can get it whenever you want.

(lively upbeat music)

So this is basically it.

Thank you so much for meeting me here.

I'm sure this is exactly
what you wanted to do

on a Tuesday morning.

Oh, no, I'm happy
to get the lay of the land

before I had to pick Amelia up.

(sighs) Well, I really appreciate it.

I'll be working till about 5:00.

Obviously, if there's any issues,
just call me.

Yes, I'll text you when I pick her up

and then as soon as we get home.

Wow, I officially have
very strong feelings for you.

(laughing)

Okay, I will see you at 5:30.

- Okay, perfect.
- Thank you.

Have a great day, bye.

Ooh, is that the new sitter?

Yes, that is our new babysitter,
Diana Ross.

Brian, take it away.

Her name is Diana Ross.

You're welcome.

Well, I guess you guys took
everything else from us,

you may as well take our queen.

My new babysitter is
the queen of black people?

Is that all you think of me as, black?

Who was the us
you were referring to, huh?

People who love the Wiz!

You can't even say that stupid
joke with a straight face.

All right, not my best moment.

No, but also, not your worst.

But seriously,
would you do me one favor?

Would you ask your babysitter
if she hates Beyonce

for playing her in the film adaptation

of the musical adaptation of her life?

This is your backup joke?

I will die with this bitch.

(school bell rings)

Bye, smooch, all right.

Don't forget Diana's
picking you up today.

- Okay.
- Oh, tell her she can park

in our driveway so you
guys don't have to walk

40 blocks to get to the house.

You guys don't have street parking?

Usually we do, but one of our neighbors

is Airbnb'ing his house
and the people staying there

right now have a lot of guests,
so, so many guests.

So are your neighbors freaking out?

Well, obviously, Darlene and Elliott

are beside themselves,
but they also hate Christmas lights

and block parties,
and I assume healthcare for babies.

I have a Richard and Lindsay, same.

Everyone has got a pair of assholes.

Oh, you have a pair of assholes?

Well, actually one of them
is more like a vestigial sac.

I completely understand.

I'll send you a picture of it.

Nope.

All right, I gotta tell Castalati

that your queen's
picking Amelia up today.

Are you gonna tell him or
are you gonna whisper it

seductively into his ear?

Oh, is that because I had
a sex dream about him?

- Yes.
- Well, neither.

I'm just gonna shout it
with my second butthole.

Oh my god, how good
does our house look?

Diana Ross straightened everything up.

Are you gonna call her
Diana Ross forever?

Yes, I am, 'cause Diana Ross
deserves the respect.

By the way,
I booked her for Lakers' night.

- Nice.
- Yes.

Oh, cool, the DJ's moved on to EDM.

- EDM?
- Electronic dance music.

I would have thought your
tank top got you access

to all the best phone parties.

(chuckles)

(doorbell rings)

Oh, I should probably get that.

I assume it's our neighbors
profusely apologizing

- for the noise, right?
- Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Can I use your bathroom?

You know what, I think
you might have the wrong house.

I think you might be
looking for our neighbors.

It's just right across the driveway.

It's cool, I know William.

That is cool.

I don't know William, so...

Can you just let me use your bathroom?

Sure, come on in,
she has to use the bathroom.

(vomiting)

Well, the bathroom is
just in the same direction

you vomited, so just walk that way.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

I guess I will be talking to Sandy.

Oh, yeah, it's time.

Well, the good news is our house
smells like Southern Comfort now.

Mm-hmm, other good news is
that I was barefoot, great.

- Hey, Diana.
- Hey, guys.

How did everything go?

So good,
we did a puppet show with Walter.

- Oh, nice, congratulations.
- Thank you.

And she brushed her
teeth without me asking.

Okay, that does not sound
like our child.

- She's the best, really.
- Wow.

You should have seen our first one,
total disaster.

That's why Mike had to put her down.

Sorry, a little dark,
had a cocktail at dinner.

Hey, don't encourage her.

Thank you so much, anytime, really.

Oh, one thing to keep an eye on,

she was complaining about
a little bit of itching

on her front tushy.

Oh, her vagina?

Yeah, front tushy.

Anyway, I just had her put
a little bit of cream on it,

which totally seemed to help,

but I did want you guys to be aware.

Great, thank you.

I'll see you later.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I offered her a vagina
on a silver platter

and she doubled down on front tushy.

Please stop saying that.

How are you not comfortable
with your own body

as like a 20 something year old woman?

- It's so weird.
- I mean,

there's no way that this just ends
with front tushy.

This has other implications.

Right, like what other
realities can't she handle?

I mean, how confusing, first of all,
is the term front tushy?

Like what, you grow up,
and then you're like,

"Yeah, you can have sex with my tushy,

"oh, not the one you're thinking of,
the other one."

I mean, I don't wanna be dramatic,

but I'm not interested in
having this around our daughter.

We gotta figure something else out.

I totally agree.

Yeah, someone who's not gonna
refer to your dick as a bottom nose.

Sounds crazy,
but I prefer that to front tushy.

God, it's so rare
that something horrifies me.

Also, bottom nose was pretty good,

just like right in the moment, right?

Yeah, you got it, yeah, nailed it.

Oh shit, did you email Mr. Castalati
those baby photos of Amelia?

He needs him tomorrow for that collage.

No, I gotta do it, all right.

I think you're gonna send two or three.

Maybe send that one of her
little face in that flower towel.

Mr. Castalati's email is
not coming up on my phone,

so can you just send me
your boyfriend's info?

Sure, and by the way,
thank you for being so accepting

of our very, very sexual relationship.

Let me know if you ever need a third.

Don't be disgusting, Mike.

Mr. Castalati has a workout
buddy that we loop in

when we need an extra D, so we're good.

(upbeat bass music)

Sandy, hey!

Oh my god,
I haven't seen you in so long.

- How are you?
- Fine.

Great, well, you look great.

Did you lose weight?

Not that you needed
to lose weight, but...

I stopped eating ice cream.

Great, well, I just wanted to say

I think it's so cool that
you're renting out your house.

- It's just so smart.
- Okay.

So how long are these folks
gonna be hanging out with us?

Two more weeks.

Oh, great.

You know what,
I was wondering is there a way,

and I don't know if there is,

that you can like check out
who your renters are

before you throw 'em
the keys to your castle?

I don't think so.

Really, there's no reviews
or ratings or anything?

There are.

Oh, okay, thanks,
I didn't know how it all worked.

Anyway, so great to see you.

You, too.

Bye.

(soft guitar music)

It was the single most
uncomfortable conversation

I have ever had with Shorts,

and I'm including the time
that I crushed his will to live

and sentenced him to a life of pants.

I wish I could have been there.

You know,
it's two more weeks out of my life.

I can do anything for two weeks.

That's true, you've had UTIs
that have lasted longer than that.

No, I haven't.

Really? Then who am I thinking of?

I don't know, but they need
to take better care of themselves.

Oh, shit, how is it possible
that every single babysitter

we know is busy on the same Saturday?

Do you have anybody that
you love that I can steal?

Why, what happened to Miss Diana Ross?

Oh, you mean front tushy?

I hope not.

Yeah, that's how she
referred to Amelia's vagina.

Oh, okay, I'll come up with
a couple of names for you.

Of babysitters or horrifying
names of genitalia?

Obviously, I'm open for both.

I will give you both then.

- Oh my god.
- What?

- Oh my god.
- Are you okay?

Apparently,
I sent an email to Mr. Castalati

that was not meant for him.

Okay, how?

Mike needed his email
address and I looked it up

by putting it in the cc line,
and apparently,

never erased it before I hit send.

Ah, shit, what did it say?

Well, the subject line
starts with my boyfriend.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

And then I wrote
here's the email address

for my mustached fuckboi, spelled B-O-I.

Okay, that's not good.

I continue with,
please do not disturb us

between 3:00 and 3:04.

Unfortunately,
that's all he can last, dot dot dot,

we're working on it.

So that's what I wrote.

- Did he respond?
- Mm-hmm, yeah, he sure did.

He wrote,
"I believe this was sent in error."

- That's it?
- Yep.

If you smile, we are done here.

No, I understand.

But please just let me
know when it's all right

for me to tell people this story.

I'm gonna need you to step away.

(soft Latin music)

I mean, you called him your boyfriend.

Maybe that's a compliment.

What about the part, mom, where I said

he could only keep from
orgasming for four minutes

and that he and I were
working on it as a couple?

That part wasn't great.

I mean, I don't have to
see him today or tomorrow,

but I am going to have
to face him on Monday.

That's a thing that's
gonna be happening.

- Oh boy.
- Yeah.

I mean, there's really
nothing else I can do.

I gotta send him a sincere
apology and just say,

obviously that wasn't meant for you,

I'm extremely embarrassed,

and then just deal with what happens.

- [Man] 22?
- Oh, that's us.

What's going in there?

Oh, that's supposed to be
some Italian place,

but Darlene and Elliott are
being dickheads, so who knows?

Hi, we're 22.

Did you guys want spicy or mild salsa?

You know what,
I'll take three milds and two spicy.

I like mine a little spicy.

Just like you like your
kindergarten teachers.

Really?

Thank you.

Oh my god, stop giggling.

Hey, did you find a
babysitter for Saturday yet?

No, we're still looking.

Oh god, I feel terrible.

Look, I can cancel my plans.

Mom, you're not gonna cancel
on your cousin's 80th birthday party.

Brian sent us some names,
we'll find someone.

Okay, but you'll just
let me know, right?

Yes, I will.

By the way, what's old Miriam
cooking up for the big 80th?

Well, it's a surprise,
so she doesn't even know it's happening.

Are you sure you should be
surprising an 80-year-old?

That's what I was worried about.

- (yells)
- (screams in fright)

What are you doing?

Just surprising you
and seeing what happens.

- Well, don't!
- Ow!

What am I supposed to be doing again?

It's 8:00,
this is usually when you check

the Asian stock market, so...

The same thing that you do every
night to get ready for bed.

So I should brush my teeth?

Yeah, yeah, go, brush your teeth.

Oh my god.

Still no response to your apology email?

No, it's been 24 hours of silence.

I just wanna know if he got my email

and was like purposely ignoring me,

so then at least I would
know where I stood.

Well, you know you got
the right email address.

Maybe he only responds to emails
that sexually humiliate him.

Oh, then just shoot him another email

and this time make fun
of his huge balls.

Why do you think
he has huge balls, Mike?

I don't know,
I'm not thinking of his balls.

I never thought of his balls.

You kind of just did.

[Amelia] Is anyone gonna read to me?

Oh, I guess the queen is ready
for her dancing monkeys.

- Not loving that attitude.
- No.

My friend, that is not the way
you speak to your parent...

- Oh my god!
- Wow.

That is overwhelming.

They're making pizza again!

Uh-huh, they love pizza.

All right, bubs, you know what?

You're gonna have a sleepover
in mommy and daddy's room

- tonight!
- Really?

Yeah, grab the blankey, grab Walter,

okay, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Jesus Christ!

Okay, you know,
our daughter's getting hotboxed now.

We're done here, I'm calling the police.

Yeah, we lasted as long as we could.

Yep, that's what Mr. Castalati said.

Oh god.

(upbeat bass music)

So you are the person on the street
who called the cops on the party.

Uh-huh, and you know what?

I feel great about it.

I will tell you that next door

they found a lot of underage drinking,

- quite a few illegal drugs.
- Oh.

And one of the cops told me that,

unfortunately, this will probably mean

Shorts' renters license
gets revoked, so...

So now you've destroyed Shorts twice.

I don't feel good about it.

Your face right now looks
like you feel great about it.

That's just this part of my face.

This part of my face
does feel a little bad.

- Uh oh, there he is.
- Oh, god.

Look, just get it over with.

All right, okay.

Hey, good luck.

- Andrea, Andrea!
- What?

Lead with your good butthole.

I'm not leading with a butthole.

Hi, Mr. Castalati.

Mrs. Warren, good morning.

Good morning, I assume you got
my email, my second email?

Yes, I got it.

Well, I just wanted to
apologize again in person

and let you know how truly
sorry I am about what happened.

Well, I appreciate the apology.

Thank you, okay.

You know, I should tell you

I recently lasted up to seven minutes.

You know, I thought
you'd want an update.

Oh my god, yes,

obviously, that is something
I would want to know.

I mean, seven minutes,
that's a significant leap.

It is, it's almost double, so...

I assume you thought about World War II,

like I recommended.

No, no, labor legislation.

World War II, those German 88s
firing down on Omaha Beach

was just too much for me.

Okay, who are you?

I wanna give you a hug.

I mean, obviously, I'm not going to.

(chuckles)

I assume you need to start class?

I do, I do.

Just make sure you last
through the school day.

Well, you know,
if there's anything you want

in a kindergarten teacher,
it is stamina.

Again, thrilled.

Well, put your dick away,
I'll see you at pickup.

You got it.

Mr. Castalati joked that
he thinks about labor laws

to keep himself from orgasming?

Yes, Mike, he's my people.

I don't want your people
teaching our daughter.

Well, that's fair.

You do know that
eventually I will leave you

for Ted though, right?

Have you confirmed that
that's his real name?

I don't need to, he will always
be Big Dick Teddy to me.

Gross.

- Ooh, big update.
- What?

Someone got the free dirt.

Get off NextDoor.

I can't stop and I will not stop.

- I don't get it.
- Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, Darlene and Elliott

wouldn't let Petrucci's
open in our neighborhood.

Guess what's coming in its place?

What?

A medical marijuana dispensary.

Are you serious?

Yep, great job, guys, congratulations.

I am sure the Paper Source next door
is going to be thrilled.

They're the fucking worst.

Did you just swear?

Yep, and I'm about to swear again.

Fuck, Brian's sitter
fell through for tomorrow.

No (crying).

You know what, this is stupid.

You gotta give the tickets away.

You're right.

I just never sat courtside before,
you know.

Me neither.

I mean, what are the chances
Amelia's vagina gets itchy

in the 45 minutes before bedtime?

They can't be high.

Should I call Diana Ross?

I think so.

It's 11:12, Diana Ross is awake.

- I mean, she's Diana Ross.
- She sure is.

Her front tushy's probably awake.

Oh, still too soon.

(car pulling up)

- Hi.
- Hi, Sandy.

Sorry I'm blocking the driveway.

I should be done in an hour.

Not a problem, take your time.

I'm just moving some
of my stuff back in.

Because of my last tenants,
I can't rent anymore.

Yeah, I heard about that, and I'm sorry.

Thanks.

I heard it was Darlene and Elliott,

just what people are saying.

Assholes.

I agree.