I'm Sorry (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - New York vs. LA - full transcript

Here you go.

What's this?

Our 10 year anniversary's coming up.

Is this my gift?

Mm mm just a little
contract that I've drawn up

and I invite you, an alleged attorney to

review my proposed deal points.

Deal points of what?

Well, remember when we got married,

I gave you 10 years
together, tops to box?

Yes, I remember.



Well, it's time to renegot...

Wow, as long as we don't
get to use the term renegot

as much as we'd like...

Really? That's surprising.

But I am looking forward to
reviewing your proposed terms.

Wonderful, great!

I'm assuming this is a
standard 10 year contract.

Oh no, it is five
years and just know that

I had to really coax my client

to get the number up that high.

She was pushing for a much lower number.

Your client being you.

Yes, correct.

Ah, ok.



Well uh, says here I get
five boob grabs a week.

I'll be changing that to unlimited.

Alright, I think we
can adjust that as long

as you're willing to
give on a few issues.

Please note deal point number three.

Mike cannot lose his sweet, toned ass.

- Oh boy.
- I mean, at this point

I think it's most of the reason
that we're still together, so.

Wait, I gotta keep my ass
in perfect condition forever?

No, there's obviously a
certain amount of expected

depreciation that's acceptable.

Ok, I get it.

Yeah, my client just needs to know

that certain proactive
steps are being taken

to protect the asset.

Alright, that's reasonable.

Thank you.

But if this is the body area
that we're talking about,

I motion to put in a butt sex addendum

- into this revised contract.
- Really?

Yep, I propose that instead
of the current 36 years

that I have to wait, that
we adjust that number to a

much more reasonable two weeks.

Motion strongly denied.

So you're the lead
prosecutor and the judge?

When it comes to my butt hole,

I am the judge, the
bailiff, the prosecutor.

You're the prosecutest.

If you need me, I will be at my mothers.

How many vests can
you donate to Goodwill

before they're required to
run a background check on you?

Oh, Uncle Harry loved his vests.

I know he did.

You doin' ok?

Yeah, he was 93.

He lived a good life
and he died in his sleep.

What more could you want?

Do we have funeral plans yet?

Well yeah, we'll all go to the cemetery

but he didn't have kids
you know, so I feel like

if we don't do something,
then he won't have

any sort of a memorial.

Yeah, you should do something.

That would be nice for everyone.

I know, but I don't
wanna do it at my house

because I just had Leon's 70th.

We could do it at ours.

- Really?
- Of course, happy to.

I mean, obviously, this means I
am now the matriarch of the family

which leaves you pretty much obsolete.

I mean, we'll throw ya in a pastel hat

and trot you out for parades
but, no one's interested.

Well, I am thrilled to pass the torch.

So, thank you very much.

Great, now we're even
for everything you've

- ever done for me.
- Perfect!

That was easier than I thought.

I'm looking forward to seeing
everybody at the funeral though.

- I know, me too.
- Is that terrible?

No! I feel like when you die at 93,

it's more like a family reunion, right?

Like we're celebrating him.

I'm gonna invite Jennifer.

How is poor Jennifer, by the way?

Why do you have to say poor Jennifer?

Because she's divorced and alone

and she has to take
care of those poor kids.

Now the kids are poor?

- Oh my...
- I'm just saying

I wish that she could
find somebody, that's all.

Oh my gosh, Mom, not everyone
needs a man to be happy, ok?

Although, in this case, she
did just start dating someone

and sounds very ecstatic.

Well, well.

Oh Mom, I think I just found
party favors for the memorial.

Stop fondling his underwear.

Just throw them away.

How is this fondling his underwear?

This would be fondling his underwear.

I'm turning around.

Wouldn't you wanna be
dead and know that someone

was having fun with your underwear?

Oh God.

Dare to dream.

- I loved Uncle Harry.
- I know, he was the best.

The funeral's on Saturday.

I'm actually having the
memorial at my house after.

Wow, you're like a real grown up lady.

I know, thank you!

I'm like the Dowager Warren.

This is like what my mom
and my aunts used to do.

Alright, can we just
get to the issue at hand?

I'm not interested in chatting
with you or seeing you.

I'm only agreed to this
meeting to hear about

- a one Josh.
- You're such an asshole.

I would love to.

So he's pretty great.

Ok.

He's 46.

A perfect age.

He's British.

I know.

He's also divorced, which is good.

That's good.

And the sex is like...

Not good?

No it's amazing.

Please sit down in my office.

I'm gonna just quickly text Mike,

let him know that I will not
be home for dinner tonight.

Alright, when you say amazing,

what are we talking about here?

I feel like that term gets
thrown around with abandon.

Every time to completion.

Three to four times a night.

- What?
- A night.

What are you saying to me?

Oh my God, ok.

How is he with the C job?

Let's get into that.

What is a C job?

Lady oral.

Also, one of my favorite
characters from Pride and Prejudice.

He's really, he's good.

He's confident.

Great, great.

What can I say?

'Cause that, ya know, can be a
difficult terrain to navigate.

Yes it can.

I mean, a dick is like New York.

It just jumps out at you, ya know?

Everywhere you go, you're
gonna have a good time.

But the vagina is more like LA.

It's like there's a lot
of great neighborhoods,

but they're harder to
find and it's really nice

to have a local walk you through them.

That's a good one.

Do you think it's enough
for a dissertation?

Oh, I will say,

his penis...

Everything you say
from that point forward,

I'm going to enjoy.

Just know that walking
into this sentence.

Ok, thank you.

So, he had like a dicey circumcision.

Dicey?

I don't love that
coupled with circumcision.

It just look, it's diff,
it just looks different.

Does it like have a scar?

No, it's more like, so the foreskin
was not totally like circumcized,

so it's cut kind of at a slant.

So it's like it's
wearing a little hoodie?

- Yes!
- Ok.

- Basically.
- Alright, I like it.

Yeah. It's like a hipster dick.

Exactly.

I like British people.

- You...
- Is there an inn?

You're not invited.

But know, I will be there anyway.

In spirit.

Ok.

I'll be at the foot of your
bed just cheering you on.

- To the flop.
- It's up to you.

Are you in?

Oh actually, yeah, I'm in.

That's a tally.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah.

- No, I'm all in!
- Oh honey, hey, by the way,

can you drop Amelia off at school.

It's pajama day, so in theory,
she should be ready faster.

Pajama day, eh?

- Yeah.
- What's the teacher wearing?

Oh, Mr. Castellotti?

Already still onboard.

Well, in my dream, just a
mustache and a jean jacket.

- Ok yes, I can take Amelia.
- Thank you.

I need to pick up my
uncle's ashes by 8:30.

I don't wanna be late.

I don't wanna be
responsible for a backup

in the people oven.

Wait a minute. So your
house is just gonna be filled

with mourners this weekend?

Yeah, like your bed.

Ya know, because women
are very sad to be there.

Also, I like to imagine you dead.

Wait, so I'm dead and women
still wanna have sex with me?

No, that's good, that's great!

Wait, why are people having
sex with Brandon's ghost?

No, not my ghost, my corpse.

My ghost is like floating
above and just jerkin' off.

I'd really love you to speak
at my uncle's service actually.

No, because that's not a sincere offer.

- This isn't?
- That face isn't sincere.

I would love you to speak
at my uncle's service.

We think you'd nail it.

- See, thank you, that's sincere.
- That's sincere.

I mean, if you want actual
sincerity and earnestness,

but if you want a good time...

What?

What is happening?

I don't know.

All I know is I'm a
little giddy because I saw

my friend Jennifer today.

Wait a minute.

Is that the girl you were
supposed to set me up with.

- Yes, it is.
- Is she dating someone now?

I don't know if they're
dating but they fuck.

Ok, stop, what!

They have sex up to four times a night.

Every time to completion.

- We're in a fight.
- I get it.

I spent conservatively 16 hours today
discussing their carnal regiment.

- Uh-huh.
- Girls are the worst.

We like to get into it.

Doesn't four times a night
sound a little exhausting though?

Why don't you just do it
the first time good enough

so you don't have to do it.

All I know is I personally
would love to quadri-bang.

I just, I can't ya know, pull it off.

I'm not attracted enough to you anymore.

- What!
- Jesus.

No honey, I find you very attractive.

You're very handsome.

- Thank you.
- But think about

how attracted you have to be to someone

to gear up for the fourth time.

Yeah, I get it.

I mean, third time, I'm in tears.

Fourth time, isn't that
just kind of assault?

- Yes.
- Yes.

- You're making a good point.
- Thank you!

Whatever they're doing, I don't like it.

I don't know why you have
such judgment about my friend,

who you don't know's, sex life.

Because there's only so
many fucks in the world

and she's taking more than her share.

Ugh God, I really feel for these
poor dead women in your bed.

They're not dead, I'm dead.

You made that up.

I'm the dead one, right?

They're dead inside.

And?

That's fair.

Yeah.

So we're just finishing up.

Should only be a few more minutes.

Oh, no problem. We can
wait, thank you so much.

I don't love the phrase
finishing up at a crematorium.

I mean, are they finishing
up burning the bodies

or finishing up paperwork?

Well, I imagine this is just
where they bring us the cremains.

The cremains?

Yes ma'am, that is the
technical term for it.

Well, I'm happy we're
being very technical.

Do you know what a group of
apes is called, by the way?

Shrewdness.

Yes, how bout a bunch of crows?

- Murder.
- God darn it, you're good.

How did you know that?

Because you've told me
these particular two facts

for the past 30 years of my life.

By the way, I appreciate it but
you didn't have to come today,

I could've handled the cremains myself.

Yeah, I know. I just wanted to help.

Your Uncle Harry was important to me.

I've known him for 50 years.

Awe, that's very sweet.

I'll tell you what's sweet is the way

you're stepping up and
doing this for your mom.

Oh no, this is not me being sweet.

This is just me having
to take care of you both

in your eminent years of decay.

Well in my case, you don't have to worry

because I do not wanna be cremated

and I do not wanna be in a coffin.

Every instinct I have is
telling me not to ask you

what you want done with your body.

It's not crazy, ok?

I wanna be put into a biodegradable bag

and returned to the earth.

Yep, that's actually not insane.

I would do that.

I don't even know what a bag cost.

I'll bet it's under 100 bucks.

- A biodegradable body bag?
- Yeah!

No, Dad, if you want me to
just throw you in any bag,

I can get it under 100 dollars.

No but I'm thinking
get one of those bags

that have the two little handles on it.

In case I'm not really dead,
you can lift me back up.

- Promise?
- A shopping bag?

A Bloomingdale's big brown bag.

I mean, I'll throw
ya in a Bloomey's bag,

but I'm not pullin' ya back
out even if you're alive.

Again, so sorry for the wait.

No, no.

I just need you to confirm your
uncle's information and sign there.

Ok, thank you so much.

Of course, and please, let us know

if there's anything else we can do.

Oh, you're very sweet.

Whoa, good, heavy.

Was he tall?

Actually, he was tall.

Well, that can do it.

Yeah, it's gotta be the long
bones of the leg, the femurs?

Dad, it's not the femur.

Thank you.

You know what they
call a group of femurs?

Your butt hole.

Yeah, your butt hole.

Really? Hmm.

Alright, catering will arrive
while we're at the cemetery.

We got music, we got
flowers, we got chairs.

The bar's all set up.

Thank you.

I put hand towels in the guest bathroom.

Now I'm a person who
thinks about hand towels.

How does my mother do this?

She's a good lady.

Cool your pene, Mike.

Cool your pene.

I'm a little excited though.

Jennifer's bringing her new beau today.

Oh that's right.

- I'm looking forward to meeting him.
- Me too.

I imagine they'll have
just done it in the car,

so I wouldn't shake their hands.

Noted.

By the way, have you
ever heard of someone

getting accidentally half circumcized?

Why?

'Cause apparently only
part of Josh's foreskin

was removed back in the day.

So he's got like, just
like a little hoodie.

I just can't imagine
that Josh appreciates

Jennifer sharing the intimate
details of his genitals with you.

If you're dating a woman,
you should assume that

every one of her friends
knows about your dick.

Really, does Jennifer know about mine?

She knows it's nice.

Well, I'm glad that's
the word on the street.

People are talkin'.

Oh, they're talkin', are they?

Awe, Brian sent me photos of
Amelia and Izzy from pajama day.

Oh my God, these God damn kids are cute!

Yeah, they are cute huh?

Um, did you wear that
fucking tank top to drop off?

Yeah, I went for a work out after.

So you wore it to Amelia's school

where we have to go every
morning of our lives?

I wore a sweatshirt. I
took it off for a minute.

Is this the person you wanna be?

Just guy out in world in tank top?

I don't know.

I like that tank top.

It's comfortable.

Ok, I can't take this on today.

Oh my God.

Well it's a good thing
you'll be surrounded

by friends and family then.

Uh-huh.

- You know what else is good?
- What's good?

That the funeral will be the highlight

of my emotional day.

As we conclude this
portion of the service,

we salute Harold with
a military tribute.

Following, please join the
family for a small reception

at the home of Andrea
Warren and Michael Harris.

Hut!

Forward arm!

Ready, aim, fire!

Aim, fire!

Aim, fire!

Right face.

Forward march.

I'm gonna need a minute to
recover from being shot at.

Oh my God.

Look who I ran into.

Hi!

- Hi, thank you for coming.
- This is Josh.

- This is Mike, Andrea.
- Hi.

Hello.

Sorry to meet you under
these circumstances

but very happy to meet you.

It is very nice to meet you,

thank you for coming as well.

It was really nice actually.

I mean, ya know,

I got to see a lot of
people I haven't seen.

I know, it was nice.

Well I'm gonna go ahead
and run to your house.

Can I pick up something on the way?

No, it's all taken care of.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Great to see you and

really lovely to meet you.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye!

We're just gonna head over too, I think.

Ok great, we will see you there.

Josh, I mean, try to
pull your shit together.

Just please, for once.

I'm doing my best.

This is your best?

- I mean, this is it.
- So sorry.

I will be asking to borrow some money

when we get to your home.

Just a warning.

Mike, pull out your checkbook.

I don't wanna make it weird.

Bye, we'll see you there.

I mean, not the sex monster
I was imagining, right?

Four times a night?

He was so sweet.

- Very.
- Right?

Yes, but I like him.

I really liked him.

- Did you see how happy she was?
- Yeah.

But was there even
one second you weren't

thinking about his dick?

Be honest.

No.

Ha, now you know what it's
like to be one of the girls.

Chit chattin' about the goods.

- Dad.
- Hi honey.

- Oh, you made it.
- I did, indeed.

Listen, you did a wonderful,
wonderful job here.

Thank you.

- Harry would've loved this.
- Well, don't worry.

For yours, I'll ya know,
make sure I have some

stripper poles strategically
placed around the party.

If you were gonna go into a casket,

I could say you would
just slide right on in.

Yeah, well if you had
the stripper poles,

I have a few people I
could audition for extras

in a situation like that.

- By the way...
- This has taken a turn.

I put together this,
it's a photo montage

that you can play while
people are talking.

How many photos of Mom's Uncle Harry

could you possibly have?

Not a ton, but ya know, who cares?

So, it's gonna be like
what, seven photos on a loop?

- Yeah.
- Alright, I'll put it on.

Ok, I'm gonna get a sandwich.

Ok, you don't have to
say it like it's a secret.

Anyone can get a sandwich.

Mom, I'm gonna gather everyone up.

Some people wanna say a few things.

Andrea, thanks so much for hosting.

Oh my God, my pleasure.

Your house is so beautiful.

I can't wait to have my memorial here.

- Oh, God forbid.
- Well what?

I'm about to turn 75.

Well I'm not far behind you.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

I might have a few more good years.

Hopefully more than a few.

Ya know, even at 90 and 93,
my mother and Uncle Harry

always kept us laughing.

That's a wipe dissolve.

What?

Don't you remember that?

But sadly, they were the
last of that generation.

So Bob, Sharon, looks like we're next.

Honey, Uncle Russ is
getting ready to leave.

Wants to say goodbye.

Ok, I will be out in a second.

- Everything alright?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Ya sure?

You're gonna die.

Jesus!

Ok well, I don't know if he's gonna help

but I guess it's worth a Hail Mary.

Are you just realizing this today?

No, obviously, I know this but it's,

now that you're next up, I mean,

what the hell am I supposed to be doing?

Honey, you're more than capable

of taking care of yourself.

Of course I am, don't be insane.

I just,

I'm gonna miss you, you dick.

- That is so sweet.
- No it's not.

I'm just saying, I refuse
to start replacing you.

So, pull out your china.

Get your silverware polished.

Start throwing the parties.

Honey, you have no choice.

- Yes, I do have a choice!
- This is why I had kids.

That's why you had kids?

Because when I really start to go,

I'm moving in here with you and Mike

and he's gonna give me sponge baths.

Ugh, I wanna be horrified

but I think he would enjoy that.

Mom, I don't understand why
you are not more worked up

about this than I am.

You're the one that's
ya know, on your way out.

Well obviously the thought
of growing old is shit,

but since the alternative is dying,

I guess I'll just go with it.

I don't love it.

Well, you're the one who was
always joking about me dying.

Yeah that was before I remembered

how God damn old you are.

- Thank you.
- I'll be honest.

I didn't think I loved
you as much as I do.

- I don't believe anybody did.
- I knew.

Well, you know what's gonna
come as a surprise to you?

When I won't change your diapers

and you gotta find another way.

Huh, I think I've
thought of another way.

Don't say Mike.

I think maybe Mike would
be really good at that.

Ok, I'm starting to find
a path through my grief.

So thank you.

No problem!

My pleasure.

Your parting gift to me.

My dying gift to my daughter.

Cool, alright, I'm
gonna go say my goodbyes.

Give the people a glimpse
of their new queen.

Well I'm just glad I got a glimpse
of Jennifer's new boyfriend.

I wanna know everything
that's going on there.

I don't know if you
wanna know everything.

Oh, now I think I do.

What?

Let's just say there was a bit of a

botched circumcision situation.

- They left a little on the top.
- Oh my goodness.

Well, every penis is
different, you know?

I mean, you know Leon's, it's
very long but it's very thin.

Oh God.

I just wasn't prepared
to get that emotional

about my mom today.

It just came out of nowhere.

I just fell apart.

Well it's hard not to think
about that stuff at funerals.

I know, but I was living
such a carefree life

before my Uncle fucking Russ
opened his God damn mouth

about his generation's bullshit.

Again, I support your choice not
to have spoken at the service.

I think people were disappointed.

I just don't want my mom to die.

Is that terrible to say?

Look, I think it makes
your mom feel good

knowing she could pass
the torch off to you.

Ugh, well I'm not interested.

How soon before I can pass
the torch off to Amelia?

- When she's eight?
- It was a nice memorial though.

Yeah, it was really nice.

I think everyone had a very good time.

And we got to meet Josh's...

No, I'm out.

You're out?

Yep, I've seen the light.

What?

My mother gleefully
shared something to me

that I can never repeat,
nor will I ever un-know.

And now, I see the error of my ways.

- What was it?
- I'm not gonna tell you.

Oh come on, you gotta tell me.

You don't wanna now.

I do wanna know.

Leon's got a long, slender penis.

Oh my God.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And that goes

inside my mother.

That sucks.

And I understand you're celebrating

an anniversary tonight, congratulations.

- Oh thank you.
- Yes, we are.

Your waiter will be right with you.

- Thank you.
- Oh my God.

This looks fabulous.

Yeah, I love this restaurant.

What's going on there with the shirt?

What?

Is that your jammies?

I just assumed this is
what we're doing now.

We just ya know, we wear
stuff that's comfortable.

We're not worried about
impressing each other.

Ya know, like your tank top

or this extremely comfortable shirt.

You're wearing that to our
anniversary dinner to make a point?

- Uh-huh.
- About my tank top?

Mm-hmm. I did.

Well uh, you know people
are looking at you right now.

Great, let them look.

Let them feast their eyes

on a woman who's given up.

Yeah, well, before you give up on life,

why don't you open your gift.

I would love to.

Here, press play.

- What?
- Just do it.

Hey honey, it's August 21st,
2018 and I am purchasing

this horrific tank top with the
sole purpose of fucking with you.

My gift to you. I love you.

Happy anniversary.

This was a bid.

This was a bid.

And now, I have won anniversaries.

Ok, holy shit.

What is happening right now?

The pajama date photo?

That was staged?

Yeah, Brian helped me.

I'm gonna have sex with
you four times tonight.

Oh wow.

So just know that that's coming at you.

How happy were you
when I took my coat off

and was wearing this monstrosity?

Honestly? That could
not have gone better.

Oh my God.

Fuck, I love you.

I love you too.

This was six months of fury you gave me.

Oh, so worth it.

I am gonna put my coat
back on now because

people are looking.

Yeah, they are.

Um, what was that move
you did back there?

Were you trying to
have sex with my butt?

Maybe.

No, you got 36 more
years to wait, my friend.

Contracts have wiggle room.

Wiggle room?

Are you actually an attorney?

I just thought after my amazing present

that if I ever had a
chance, it'd be tonight.

You know what, I understand
and appreciate that instinct

but keep your dick out of my butt.

- That's fair.
- Thank you.