I'm Sorry (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Extra Boobs - full transcript

Who is this for?

Anyone who wants it.

You can go to bed.

No, I'm gonna read.

Okay.

Okay, tell me again how
you first noticed this.

Just for the past year or
so, sometimes my armpits

have felt kind of lumpy
or kind of swollen.

Sometimes they get like a
little painful once in a while.

- It's been weird.
- Well, I've looked at the ultrasound.

There's absolutely
nothing to worry about.



- Okay, good.
- Yeah.

Thank you. That is a relief.

You just have some accessory
axillary breast tissue.

I recognize very few of the
words in that sentence.

Basically, you have breast tissue

that has migrated to your underarm area.

Jesus Christ.

That's why sometimes they might
feel swollen, your armpits.

It's kind of like your breasts
when you're on your period.

So now, I'm the person
with boobs in my armpits?

Well, I guess, technically.

You know what?

It's unusual but not unheard
of as you get older.

- 5% of women get it.
- Oh.



- Yeah.
- So I'm one of the old lucky ones.

- You are.
- Great, well,

I have to imagine there's a couple

specific websites dedicated
solely to this condition.

Should I start a webcam in my house?

How do you people usually...

Let's first see what
you're working with here.

Well, I'd really love to monetize it,

so you know, just...

Wow, that's a fun reaction.

- I'm sorry.
- No.

- They're just very cute.
- You mean my arm tits?

I wish I couldn't say I
was proud of that, but

they chose the right host.

I guess so.

Ladies, gentlemen, you're welcome.

What?

So your breasts just moved.

No, no, no, Mike, they didn't move.

I have breast tissue in my armpits.

So now, I just have extra boobs.

Wow.

They're like, you know, the
drawer of extra batteries.

Also, if you put your tongue
on them, they will shock you.

Do we need to be worried about this?

No, my doctor kept laughing at them.

You don't giggle at cancer.

Oh, thank you.

So what do we do for, um...

Arm tits? That's what
I'm calling them now.

- Feel free to join me.
- No.

I don't technically have to do anything.

I mean, Ruth said completely benign,

but it is breast tissue,
which is a little dicey.

Who's Ruth?

Dr. Nufeld.

I call her Ruth.

Did she ask you to call her that?

No, she did not.

But Ruth said if I do
want to do something,

my only option is surgery.

- Seriously? Surgery?
- Yeah.

Oh, thank you again.

Of course.

Well, I guess this is what happens

when you're the only
ones in the restaurant.

- Very vigilant.
- Apparently.

Anyway, as erotic as it sounds

to have boobs in your armpits,

I think I'm gonna have the surgery.

Yeah, I think you should.

Mike, don't tell me what to do.

It's my body, my choice.

Please don't make a scene in
front of all these people.

Oh, well,

well, well, I didn't know

it was gonna be this
kind of a date night.

Oh, boy.

Oh, did you get that email
from Mr. Castellati?

Yeah, the one about
Amelia's ancestry thing?

So we gotta pick which
side of the family

- she's gonna do it on.
- Mmm-hmm.

Are you ready to order?

Oh, no, sorry, I was
just looking that way.

No, we will focus.

You need to figure out
what you're getting

because these people
need something to do.

How is no one else eating here?

I don't know.

Oh, god.

All right, for the next 20 minutes,

we are belly dancing fans.

Put on a face.

Smaller face.

Nice.

Yeah, I'm getting the
surgery in two weeks.

I'm a little nervous, but I
just want to get it over with.

Yeah, well, it makes sense.

It sounds just like one of those things

that happens when we get older, honey.

Wow.

Dad, I am just approaching aging, okay.

You've already bought her a drink

and are fondling her under the bar.

- A couple of drinks.
- Gross.

All right, are you ready for
Amelia to interview you

about the Warren family history?

Yep, all set.

Wait a minute. What is
is I'm supposed to do?

Just remember stuff.

Do whatever you need to
do for that, all right.

Pull out some old pictures.

- Look at a family tree.
- You like drugs.

Take some heroin.

Get those synapses
firing on all cylinders.

Heroin is not for focus, honey.

Super cool, Dad.

All right, well, I leave it up
to your drug addled discretion.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

You're going to see your dad tomorrow?

Yep, Amelia's interviewing
him for her project.

When do I get to do my interview?

Oh, Mom, don't worry.

You will get your moment
in the sun, all right.

David's gonna be there, too.

Can you do next Saturday?

Yeah, I can do Saturday just as long as

I'm home by five, so I can...

Feed your husband dinner in bed?

Why do you make it sound so weird?

Sharon, is there another
way to make it sound?

Mom, Gloria Steinem is
rolling over in her grave.

Gloria Steinem is not dead.

Yeah, she is.

I called her and told
her about feeding Leon,

and she killed herself.

Thanks for murdering an
American treasure, Mom.

Well, you shouldn't have
bothered her with it.

Hindsight, I didn't know she would

take it so much to heart.

Although, I'll be honest.

I get the instinct,
you know what I mean?

No.

I considered offing myself
over this a couple of times.

What does he wear again
when you feed him?

Nothing.

Hi.

- Hello.
- Grampy.

Hey, Pumpkin, ah.

Do you want to learn about the Warrens?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay, again, all conversations take

place further in the house.

We have discussed this.

Keep it moving.

You don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here

next to the erotic photography.

- Oh, dad.
- Speaking of photography,

I pulled out a bunch of photos for you.

Oh, who is this guy?

I haven't seen this photo before.

A choo choo choo choo, Dan La Roocha.

Give me, give me smoocha.

Well, that's my father.

I'm gonna pull back one of my choo chas.

I'll still throw him a roocha though.

- Jesus.
- Yeah, he was handsome.

Oh, my god, very.

I guess this makes more
sense to you know, huh?

You being adopted? Yeah, it's tracking.

Oh, you know what?

Actually, because Grampy's adopted,

it makes his ancestry a
little more exciting

'cause his adopted parents,
they were American.

But his birth parents were from Greece,

which is why you love
feta cheese and olives

and dark chocolate 'cause
it's in your blood.

Well, you can continue
to love those things,

but I've got news for you.

I am not Greek.

What?

I did one of those
ancestry DNA tests, and...

You did? When?

I don't know.

About six months ago, I sent it in.

Six months ago?

Sent me back the paperwork
and said you are not Greek.

But I am almost 100% Polish.

Dad, what is happening right now?

I'm sorry. I thought I mentioned it.

No, you went on at length
about your new solar powered

outdoor lighting, but
somehow this little detail

slipped your mind for six months.

Hmm, I'm sorry.

I'm so confused.

Why did we even think we were Greek?

Where did that even come from?

I don't know.

Somebody must have screwed
up the paperwork.

All right, your casualness
about this is unnerving.

Oh, I've had more time to
wrap my head around it.

Okay, Dad, if Amelia
didn't have this project,

how long would I have gone on
believing that I was Greek?

Well, I'm sure it would have
come up before the holidays.

Which holidays?

Thanksgiving or Greek Easter?

Oh, I wouldn't want
to ruin Greek Easter.

Okay, well, now we've got Polish Easter.

So I imagine it's a much
more subdued affair.

I've been in Poland at Easter.

They go out with a basket full
of eggs and throw them away.

Just the opposite you see.

- Is that a Polish joke?
- Yeah.

Even if you're Polish,
those aren't okay.

Okay, but one must laugh at oneself.

Remember that.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

Great.

I honestly, I still cannot believe it.

I mean, I did a foreign
exchange program in Athens.

I made you follow Greece's
national soccer team.

They are not good.

No, I mean I gave blow jobs to people

just because they were Greek.

No, you didn't.

No, I didn't, but I mean,

I strongly considered it sometimes.

I don't want to make it
like the end of the world,

but this was like my one spice.

Yeah, it's weird looking at you now.

I like being married to
an exotic Greek woman.

Well, now, you're married to
a Polish lady with arm tits.

It's kind of different
sturdier kind of exotic.

Oh, hey, my surgery is offish

confirmed for 9 A.M. on Thursday.

Can you take me?

Of course, the 12th?

Oh, crap, is that the 12th?

Mmm-hmm.

That's the morning that her school's

having that pancake breakfast.

Maybe your mom can take her.

No, I don't want us
both not to be there.

Why don't you and my mom go to that,

and I'll see if David can take me.

Okay, but I'm gonna come take you home.

All right, also keep
in mind, after Friday,

I'm gonna have the armpits
of a 16-year-old.

Is that something I want?

You'll be able to bounce
a quarter off them.

Is that something I want?

I mean, I just assume now,
my life is gonna be me

in sleeveless shirts, you know,
just tons of high fives.

- Oh, yeah.
- Maybe I'll join a bird watching club.

Oh.

I don't want to learn a lot about birds,

but I'll just be like, bird.

This is gonna create a lot
more job opportunities for me.

You're probably not gonna see
me much after this happens.

Daviday, do you want something to drink?

Do you have any kombucha?

No, I do not, and assume
that will be my answer

from now until the end of days.

You know, Mom, I'd love to take
a look at that family tree

and see how I'm related to this beast.

That's 'cause this one greeted
everyone vagina first.

- Oh, god.
- All right,

we're gonna talk about
Mom's filthy habits

when I take all five of
you on Thursday, okay.

I don't get it.

Well, I just mean your two regular boobs

and then you got two extra boobs.

And then you, yourself,
the stem of the boobs.

I still don't get it. What do you mean?

I'm just gonna put it in
a different way for you.

Yeah, no, break it down.

Those things that are on
your chest are called boobs.

There are other people in the room.

- Well, do those people have...
- Hi, Grammy

- Uncle David.
- Hi.

Uh, Mom, you're up.

Prepare to dazzle.

- All right.
- Oh, good. You got your folder.

I'm ready for you. Okay, look at this.

Now, these are my four grandparents.

This is Grandpa Heinrich
who was born in 1855,

and this is Grandma
Annalise, born in 1891.

And these are my other grandparents...

Wait, how old was Annalise
when they got married?

Oh, well, they got
married in 1905, so...

- So...
- So she was 14.

- And he was like 55.
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- It was a different time.

A time of pedophilia?

Oh, stop it.

Mom, we need to go back
1,000 generations.

Your parents will be

old enough I am sure.

Fine. Now, these are my parents.

I love this picture.

It's a great picture.

Okay, this is Great Grandma
Ava and Great Grandpa Peter,

and they were born in Germany.

This is Uncle David's
and my grandparents.

When did they move to California?

Well, they briefly moved to
Buenos Aires after the war,

and then they came to
California in 1947,

which is where I was
born, which makes you,

one, two, three, third
generation Californian.

So things weren't going well
for Grandma and Grandpa

in Germany after World War II,

and then they went to Argentina?

Mmm-hmm, I think they had
an opportunity there.

Mom, what side were your parents on?

Were they traveling to Argentina?

Or were they fleeing?

Fleeing?

Well, there was a
certain group of people

who after the war had to take a vacation

to Argentina in order to...

- Lay low.
- Yeah.

Oh, my god.

Yeah.

Well, I don't think the kids
are gonna notice the dates.

I don't think the children will,

but Mr. Castellati's mustache tells me

he's very well-versed
in war crime trivia.

Mom, let's just start your family tree,

Los Angeles, 1947.

Okay, I have a lot of
good things about that.

Well, anything will be better
than what you just revealed.

Is this one of their relatives?

I don't know who that is.

She has a certain...

German look?

I just feel like she's
probably close related to Ava.

I'm gonna be honest.

I'm not sure Amelia's
presentation can rest solely

on my mom's Van Nuys High School years.

I feel like her near miss
pregnancy her senior year

of high school is just
like an opener at best.

Poland's starting to
look like our best bet.

Not a sentence that
rolls off the tongue.

Noted.

Why is this tank top in my hands?

I don't know.

I must have thrown it in the hamper.

Were you looking for
the trash but missed?

Why is this even in our lives?

Just give it to me. Come on.

Oh, my god.

By the way, I can be at the
hospital by 11 tomorrow.

Oh, perfect.

I actually will probably still be under.

It is a three hour surgery.

- Three hours? Jesus.
- I know. I don't love it.

Just know that if I do not
make it through alive,

which is an option, I want
you to find someone else.

Good to know.

But like, uncomfortably fast.

Thank you.

Like, I want you to bring
a plus one to my funeral.

Really get people talkin'.

Oh, I think people will be okay with it.

That's fair.

You know,

tonight is your last night

with a four-breasted woman.

- Mmm-hmm.
- So,

maybe you have a couple of things

that you've thought about trying

but have been too nervous to ask.

I think I'm gonna pass.

Yeah, you know what?

You might want to rest up
because after the surgery,

I'm gonna be buying some
pretty sexy lingerie

to accentuate what I'm gonna
be bringing to the table.

Yeah, like what?

I imagine it's just like
turtleneck with holes,

kind of like crotchless
panties but for arm pits.

Are you purposely trying to
make me not attracted to you?

Yes, I do.

Is it working?

I never understood why that's a goal.

I feel like it's obvious.

- It's not.
- It's not?

What if every night when I get into bed,

I just go....

I might like that.

Oh, fuck, you make this
very difficult actually.

What are you saying to me?

What do you mean you don't do fiction?

Well, look, I don't like narratives.

Oh, Jesus.

They're distracting to me, and I can

never relate to the main character.

Wait, you watch every
Jason Statham movie?

The Transporter, that's a character
you feel a kinship with?

His name is Frank Martin.

Okay, If I like down in
the street right now,

do you promise to back up over me?

I'm not gonna kill you, no.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, for real right now?

Look at this.

Pull up, pull up, pull up.

Jesus Christ, come on.

Hi, excuse me.

We were actually waiting for
this spot if you could move.

What, you don't see us?

Ma'am, we're blocking your door.

You can't get out.

There's nowhere for you to go.

I know that you can hear and see me.

I'm looking right at you.

Hello?

Okay, well, we're not moving,

so I don't know where we go from here?

Are you shitting me?

- Dude?
- No.

You're crawling out of your...

- You can't do that.
- That was our spot.

Just take another spot.

- What the fuck?
- Jesus Christ.

- Fuck you.
- I guess that's it.

I'm gonna spend another ten minutes

- looking for a parking spot.
- I guess that's our life.

You know what?

I'm starting to see how we're related.

It's our fury.

Aw.

That German blood.

Those relatives were really mad.

I think we can agree they
took things too far.

Yes.

Not to ruin our Nazi fun,

but you actually don't have to park.

You can just drop me off in front.

- It's fine.
- Get the hell out of here.

In the mid, you're not
even gonna pull over?

All right, fine.

We're good.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye, bye.

Five stars, five stars please.

Hi, Ms. Warren. I'm Dr. Walsh.

I'll be your anesthesiologist today.

Oh, wonderful, hi.

So I'm in charge of putting you to sleep

and arguably more important,
bringing you back out.

Well, there's no rush.

I took the whole day so...

Lucky you.

- What do you do?
- I'm in comedy. I'm a writer.

Oh, really, you know who I
just recently put under?

Eddie Murphy.

Oh, cool.

You remember Delirious?

I do.

Holds up.

Does it?

Lemonade, that cool refreshing drink.

That was a good bit.

A lot of it hasn't aged as
gracefully I would say.

- Morning.
- Hi.

How are you feeling?

Ah, good, a little nervous.

Ready to bid these friends adieu.

I'm sure.

Well, I'm just gonna mark you up,

and then we'll be ready to go.

Oh, okay, yeah.

I'll give you guys some privacy.

Oh, thank you.

I mean, you're gonna see it
all in ten minutes anyway,

but I'll be drugged,
which makes it better.

You know what I mean?

So feel free to really load it up.

I will put you on the high octane.

- Well, he's lovely.
- Yeah.

All right.

Sorry.

Dr. Nufeld, my eyes are up here, please.

- Okay.
- How dare you.

Honey, how are you feeling?

Pretty good.

A little, mmm, a little thirsty.

Why don't I get your
wife some ice chips?

Thanks.

Oh, your wife.

Your wife's a bigfoot, isn't she?

What?

That's why the bitch's mustache
is so motherfucking thick

'cause you shaved the bitch
down and taught her to speak.

What is happening right now?

Remember?

Eddie Murphy, Delirious?

Holds up?

I don't think I was there for that.

Dr. Nufeld will be right in.

Thank you.

Oh.

I will say if Dr. Walsh had been here,

that would have killed.

- Oh, okay.
- Oh, ow.

Lie back down.

Okay, oh.

I don't know if you'll remember this,

but I spoke with the
doctor after the surgery,

and she said that
everything went very well.

Oh, good, okay, good, good.

And one thing she did recommend

for your recovery is butt sex.

Really?

Wow, well, that's unconventional.

That's what I said?

Did you?

- Yeah.
- You said that?

I said, that's unconventional.

- Wow.
- But then she's the doctor.

Yeah, no, obviously, she's excellent.

I would never second guess her.

You know, when she comes back in,

I'll just have her walk me through it.

Oh, no, no, no. We don't need
to bother her with that.

I don't think she's gonna
be bothered by it.

I feel like, you know, this
is kind of what she does.

It was super straight forward.
She was like, butt sex...

Butt sex.

And that's all you need.

- You know, great.
- Good, you're up.

- How are you feeling?
- I think pretty good.

I'm a little sore but good.

Well, I'm really pleased with
how everything went, yeah.

In fact, you can just head home

as soon as you're feeling up to it.

I'll see you back here in two weeks.

Perfect, thank you.

Oh, actually, Mike,
didn't you have something

- that you wanted to ask Dr. Nufeld?
- No.

Really? Really?

Something about my recovery process?

Sorry, I'm still a little groggy.

Just repeat back to me verbatim
what you said earlier.

Uh, I just, hmm.

I mean, like right before
the doctor walked in.

I don't know what you're referring to.

It was something.

It was an unconventional
recovery prescription.

- Unconventional recovery prescription?
- Icing?

Icing, lots of icing.

- Yeah, we'll do some icing.
- We'll do some...

Was there any icing for like
other different parts of my

body that you wouldn't normally
associate with this surgery?

Like, on the more backside of my body?

No.

We can email you later if
we have any questions.

- Thank you so much.
- If we remember, we'll email you.

Great. That's perfect.

- Thank you again.
- Thank you so much.

I wonder what happens
if I pull this plug.

I come back bigger and better than ever.

Mmm, maybe then this plug?

No, that one kills me.

Then I will be dead.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Do you want anything else?

Are you comfortable?

Other than feeling like my armpits

have been replaced with lime
covered cheese graters,

I'm doing all right.

I will say your condition seemed

to have wowed the surgical ward.

Yeah, I know.

I didn't love how every
single nurse on the floor

at some point stopped in to say hi.

Yeah.

A hospital is not the place where I
want to be considered interesting.

- No.
- Oh, god.

Why don't you put your iPad down?

- You're not supposed to move your arms.
- I know.

I have to find a recipe
that's interesting

to six-year-olds for Amelia's
Polish presentation.

'Cause I will tell you.

Their clothes and music are not
lighting the world on fire.

I'm starting to run out of Polish things

to pretend to give a shit about.

Isn't there a Polish treat or something?

There's like a donut thing
called a pass-key or pash-key.

Do you know how to make donuts?

Yeah, Mike, I know how
to make a fucking donut.

Okay.

- No, I do not know.
- I don't think so.

But it's eggs, sugar, salt, confiture.

What is confiture?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, my god, I cannot take on
a specialty store right now.

Confiture?

Hi, honey, how are you feeling?

Hi.

A little better.

Oh, fuck my ass.

Well.

Sorry, apparently, it's part
of my prescribed recovery.

Ask Mike.

He knows all the details.

Nope, not going to.

Mom, I need you.

Are those the words that
send tingles up your spine.

Finally, it warms the
shackles of my heart.

The shackles?

Cockles, it warms the
cockles of my heart.

By the way, shackles makes more sense.

Okay, Mom, Poland is a disaster.

I know obviously we have to avoid

all mention of your mom's
side of the family,

but what about your dad's?

What do you got?

Oh, no, I don't think that's

the direction that you want to go.

Okay, why?

Well, you know, my
grandfather on that side

had a rather large tobacco farm

outside of Richmond, Virginia.

And it was labor intensive.

Oh, my god.

What?

Okay, you know what?

If I don't commit a sex crime
and I don't murder anyone,

no one's ever going to check my DNA.

We're Greek. I'm making baklava.

I think that's the right choice.

Yes, and Mom, this was on
you to end your family's

international reign of terror.

I'm glad David and I exist,

but you really should
have died childless.

It's not too late.

Are you planning on
murdering me and David?

Well, don't worry about it.

Oh, sounds like you might get your

plus one sooner rather than later.

Sounds like it.

Just so you know, I have
a couple of names out,

but they are uncomfortably young.

Great, looking forward to it.

Okay, you might know a few of them

'cause they're in Amelia's class.

I don't think you
should joke about that.

And that's why I like being Greek.

And in Greece, they love to dance, opa.

They do like to dance.

That is true. We love to dance.

We definitely made the right decision.

You know, if I didn't know better,

I would say Amelia's had a
little work done in this region.

I'm not doing this.

There's no way those pits are real.

I should have used her doctor.

I really messed up going with Ruth.