I'm Sorry (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Couple's Massage - full transcript

Oh my God.

This is beautiful!

Bugs, I need you to find us a good tree.

Use your nose.

Mommy, I want that one!

That one's a little small
for us, don't you think?

- It is pretty.
- Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas.

- What's your name, little girl?
- Amelia.

Amelia, that's a pretty name.

Is there anything you wanna
ask Santa for Christmas?

I want an iPad.



She wants an iPad?

She's not getting an iPad, she's six.

Hey honey, why don't you ask for

something else from Santa?

I don't think an iPad's on the table.

- Why?
- Why?

Because an iPad, boo, is like $500.

So?

So, it's a lot, a lot of money

even for Santa's workshop.

I would ask for like a science kit

or like an art project, maybe
some clothes or something.

I think that would be good, right?

We have great science kits.



In the meantime, while
you're thinking about that,

if you want a candy cane,
I think Mrs. Claus

left some on the counter over there.

- Go grab one.
- Thank you!

Mmhmm.

And what would you like for
Christmas, young lady?

I don't know.

I'll have to think about it.

Well, you just let me know.

Mom, how bout a picture?

You know what?

I would love nothing more
than a picture of my mother

with Santa.

- Oh, this is your mom?
- Yes, it is. That's my mom.

Well, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Alright, got it. Thanks.

- Thank you, that was nice.
- You're a beautiful lady.

You have to be careful.

That's like sexual
harassment these days.

I know!

Is my mom gonna [Bleep] Santa?

I don't know.

Alright, well, I guess we're pickin' out

the tree by ourselves.

Yep.

Can't believe Amelia
thought there was a world

where she was getting a $500 present.

I know, but I mean, to be fair,

she has absolutely no frame of reference

for what money is.

I mean, a pack of gum could be a dollar.

It could be 1,000.

Well, she needs some perspective.

Or she can just go my mom's route

and just blow Santa, get
whatever she wants.

True.

Oh my God, is it time for bed yet?

Yeah, it's two PM.

Perfect.

Really don't wanna have
to go through Rob's notes

before we work tomorrow on a Sunday.

When are you turning in that outline?

You've been working on it forever.

I mean, Sony wants it
before the holidays but,

for my own sanity, I need
to get this turned in.

I just have like dick jokes going
through my head all night long.

They're like sugar plums but
fleshier and more veiny.

- Merry Christmas.
- Ah God, my back is still so sore.

I have not slept well in two weeks.

It's 'cause you're hunching
over your computer all day.

I think you're right.

Ya know, one fun thing that
happened at work the other day,

I bumped into this guy, Noah,

who I'd had sex with that I had
completely forgotten about.

Why do you feel this is
something you need to tell me?

I just thought it was
weird because ya know,

I just forgot that he even existed.

I will tell you, time has
not been his friend.

- Well, I hope you told him that.
- I did.

I was like, ya know what,
I forgot that you and I

have had sex and by the
way, you look terrible.

How did he take it?

He laughed and then tried
to have sex with me again.

It was very uncomfortable.

That's rough.

Speaking of not aging
well, my mother, boom,

keeps harassing me for
Christmas ideas for you.

So get like a list
together or something.

Does it even matter what I say?

Isn't she just gonna get
me some X-rated joke gift?

God, I hope so.

I can't help it the fact
that my mother injects filth

into our Christmas, I find delightful.

It's how I know you're related.

Really? I thought it was our nipples.

Remember when you saw
her nipple at the pool?

Yeah, I do.

Cool.

Mommy, I'm hungry.

You literally ate
breakfast 10 minutes ago.

Well, I'm hungry again.

Oh my God.

Here, gnaw on some almonds.

Hey honey, what's happening?

Nothing, I just wanted to
make sure that you were

- checking your email.
- Why?

Apparently, Amelia needs
a pop of color for her

camp's holiday show.

Oh yes, that's right.

She's an aquamarine, I forgot.

What is a pop of color?

I don't know but these are
the kinds of cool phrases

her camp has introduced me to.

I think it's just like a blue
headband or blue socks or something.

OK, you want me to pick something up?

No, I'm already out.
I'll grab something.

Ugh God, my back really is killing me.

Why don't you get a massage?

You should use that couples
massage that we never used.

This week is insane.

There's no way I can fit that in.

It's just a couple hours
and it'll probably

- help you sleep better.
- That's true.

- When do you wanna go?
- Oh, I can't go.

- This week's crazy for me.
- OK, eat a D.

Why don't you take someone
else? Take your mom!

She would love that.

Eat a D, eat a D, eat a D!

I should probably get off the phone.

- Yeah.
- Bye!

Don't say that at camp though, OK?

Mommy, can we get a lip balm?

- I don't know, how much is it?
- It's only one dollar.

Only one dollar?

You know that a dollar
is a lot of money, OK?

And when we're thinking
about spending a dollar,

we have to think about
is it something that

we really need and can we afford that

because Daddy and I
have to work very hard

to earn a whole dollar.

So, is that lip balm
something that you really,

really need to have?

No, I guess not.

Well then, why don't we
spend our hard earned money

on something we do need,
like a pop of color?

OK.

Just look for something blue, OK?

Hey Andrea, it's Carrie from Sony.

Yes, hi!

- How are you?
- I'm great!

- How's the outline coming?
- Good, good!

We're very excited for
you guys to read it.

We've been working nonstop.

I mean, I guess not technically nonstop

'cause I'm here shopping but...

Right.

That's just for my daughter's camp.

I'm heading over to work with
Rob right after this, so.

Well great, we look
forward to reading it.

- Good, we are excited.
- Mommy, I found the socks.

Great, perfect, let's get those.

Are you sure we can afford them?

They're three dollars.

Yes, we can afford three dollars

because it's something
ya know, that we need.

It's still a lot of money.

Why don't you get in line?

- I will meet ya there.
- OK.

We're just teaching her about money.

So I had to make it
seem like a big deal.

But obviously, we're doing fine.

I can afford socks.

I just bought new shoes, right?

That's like 30 socks.

- Anyway...
- It's great to see you.

- Good to see you too.
- Have a good one.

- You too, bye.
- Bye.

I mean, I guess good news
is now Carrie doesn't think

I can afford socks.

So, she'll probably keep
us on the payroll longer.

Yeah or maybe she sees
you out there shopping

without a care in the
world and now our outline

has to be extra [Bleep] perfect.

Then, you're welcome.

- You're welcome?
- Yeah.

I never thanked you, literally.

Well, I'm getting ahead
of it 'cause I imagine

the outline will now turn out better.

So, this is my future self
saying you're welcome

to the present you.

When you said the word outline,
I realized we were still

just on the outline
stage and I literally,

my soul just died.

I know, I know. Oh shit.

What?

Amelia's camp forgot to say all
the kids need white T-shirts.

Hold on, I've just gotta text Mike

and check if we've got one.

Hey babe, you need to relax.

Anyone ever said to you hey
babe, you need to relax?

You know what? Ya dick did
'cause it's always relaxing.

'Cause it never gets [Bleep].

That is not what your
mother thought last night.

Cool, then my mother and
I have something to

giggle about when we get our couples

massage on Friday together.

Couples massage with your mom?

Yeah at 8:30 AM on a Friday.

That's gonna relax me, right?

I guess, if you like staring
at your mother's puss.

I don't believe that's the
service that I signed up for.

So, I think I'm good.

No, no, no. I mean,
you're spending the day

at a spa with your mother.

You're definitely gonna see her naked.

- Oh God.
- Sorry, it's just what's happening.

See, ya know, this is why I
don't like going to spas, OK?

I don't know who's gonna be naked.

You, you're gonna be
naked. With your mom.

God, OK, ya know what?

And wait, and you're getting a massage?

Yes, I'm getting a massage.

Sounds to me like someone wants
to get her puss touched.

Alright, I'm out. I'm stressed enough.

I don't wanna get my puss touched.

Alright, so good news for you.

Now we can meet at 8:30 on Friday.

Ya know what, I feel like I
didn't accurately kinda sell.

- So maybe I could do it again.
- I think you sold it.

If I said it like this, is it better?

Puss.

I know you're not gonna believe me,

yes, it was better.

Great, alright.

Sorry, oh my God, parking
was a nightmare.

- Here we go.
- You OK?

Yes, I have 75 minutes allotted
to celebrate my child.

- Look, this is so cute.
- I know!

Mom, is that my early Christmas present?

Is it from the pleasure chest?

No, a little something for Amelia.

Is it a Santa penis wine stopper?

That would be so funny.

I didn't make it up.

You got me one one year.

- I did get you that?
- Yes!

Oh God, I love those.

Oh, that's one of my
favorite things about you.

Oh, I know.

This year, I had to pull
back because Amelia's

getting older and she's
ruining all my fun.

Mom!

Look at you, you're growing up.

You know what, pretty soon,
your body's gonna be

going through some changes.

I don't want you to be alarmed but,

things will be drying
up and falling off.

How dare you!

- I'm so happy you're here.
- Yeah.

Oh remind me after this, I gotta
talk to you about Friday.

I'm so looking forward to that.

Wow, I really like that song.

Yeah, me too.

Who's talking?

I don't know.

You know what this reminds me of?

I think I do know what
this reminds you of.

Those teachers were so talented.

I know, they were so
much more talented than

our six-year-olds.

Thank God they showed us that, right?

Do you think they're also
better at holding their alcohol

and driving?

Just feel bad for the
poor fuschias that had to

follow them with Feliz Navidad.

You know what, maybe we can
get the teachers to sing that

once we can hear how it's
really supposed to go.

Little private concert?

There she is, my girl!

Oh my God, you were so good.

- Did you have fun?
- These are for you, monkey.

- Thank you!
- Awe.

Mommy, you wore your new shoes.

Of course I did. I promised I would.

This is a fancy day.

And this is something
from me, tootsie roll.

What! Grammy's getting presents.

An iPad!

Thank you, Grammy!

- You gave her an iPad?
- It's my old one.

- I hardly use it anymore.
- Oh my God.

You were wonderful.

There's gonna be some
rules with that, OK?

Yeah.

Let's head out to the car.

You did a great job, boo.

My mom completely [Bleep] us.

Yeah and it wasn't even
a Christmas present.

It was a gift for singing
in a holiday show.

I mean, if she performed
like one of the teachers,

ya know, maybe I could understand.

Did you see the pure joy that
washed over our child's face?

It was hard to watch.

We can't even take the iPad away now

'cause she wouldn't know why.

She would just think we
were being assholes.

I plan on giving her a lot
more reasons to think

we're assholes in the future,
so I don't wanna just burn

through those all now.

If our child just assumes
things magically appear,

then she wants without a price tag.

Just honestly, it's making me crazy.

I think we need to like
maybe give her an allowance

and start having her pay for some shit.

Show her there's a price to pay
for her thirsty capitalism.

I'm on board with that.

I really wish we could cancel
this massage tomorrow.

But ugh, I can't do that to my mom

even though she was an
insensitive ass [Bleep] today.

She is so excited

that it's all she talked
about before you showed up.

She loves spending time
with her daughter.

I get it.

The spa thing is just stressing me out.

How are you stressed out about a spa?

Because apparently I'm
gonna see my mom's puss.

What?

Yeah and maybe all the pusses there.

Oh God.

I just don't know what the rules are

and it gives me anxiety.

I'm fine being naked but
am I supposed to be

naked right away?

Do I wear a suit and then take that off

at some specific spot?

What's everyone else gonna be wearing?

I don't really know but
anytime I've ever gone,

a lot of people are nude.

Great.

I guess it's just gonna
be me and my mom nude

all morning.

Well, I can imagine that's gonna
help you with your sleep.

Not unless I suddenly become
attracted to my mom's puss.

Now I'm not gonna be able to sleep.

Too aroused, I get it.

No.

OK, you could do worse
than my mom's puss.

Why would you make me say
something like that?

And around the holidays?

Alright, I gotta drop Amelia off at camp

'cause I gotta get to the nudist
colony with my mom by 8:30.

Mm mm.

Don't mm mm me.

No, I am a very funny person.

You're very lucky to be with me.

- I agree with all of that.
- Really?

- Yes.
- Wow.

And you know who else
would agree with you.

- Julie from work.
- Oh.

Was there a specific example
of my comedic genius

or just like this was a blanket
observation of my gifts?

Jesus. We were in lunch and
I told her about how you

bumped into that guy you
forgot you had sex with.

She thought it was hysterical.

Uh, that was not the story.

Yeah, it was.

No, Mike, the story was
I bumped into a guy who

I'd forgotten about that I had sex with.

How is that different than what I said?

You said that I bumped
into a guy that I forgot

I had sex with.

That makes it sound like I'm
like a crazy sex maniac

who's just like had sex
with 1,000 people.

I don't think that's true.

Mike, how many people would
I have had to have sex with

to forget that someone
had been inside my body?

I remember every single
person who's been inside me.

Wish my numbers were higher,
but they're not, alright?

Why do you wish your
numbers were higher?

Because that would mean
I'd really lived a life.

OK but I guarantee that
wasn't Julie's takeaway.

There's no world where
that was not her takeaway.

I am going to now have to email Julie.

- OK.
- I gotta go.

- I'll tell my mom's puss you say hi.
- Please don't.

If it says hi first,
I'm not gonna be rude.

Yeah, don't be rude to your mom's...

You were gonna say puss.

Uh, nope.

You almost said my mom's puss.

Yeah, I almost did.

I love you so much.

Mom, I can't comprehend
why you thought it was OK

to give her an iPad
without asking us first.

It was my old one.

I just had it in the back of my closet.

She doesn't know the
difference and we're trying to

teach her the value of money.

- Oh, come on.
- No, now, she wants an expensive gift.

Few days later, here comes Grammy.

She didn't have to earn it or anything.

She sang Jingle Bells?

Yeah, that was no Go
Tell It On The Mountain.

I just think you're making
such a big deal outta this.

OK fine.

This is nice.

Yeah.

Oh!

Look at you.

Is that a new suit?

Mmhmm.

I like it.

I'm getting kinda hot.

You wanna go sit in the quiet room?

No, you know what, I think
I'll probably just hang here.

Maybe hit the sauna.

You sure?

Yeah, as ya know polite
society can attest to

being quiet is not my jam.

Well, that's true.

Alright, I'll meet you
in the massage then.

Perfect, great.

See ya later.

You look great, by the way.

Thank you.

- Andrea?
- Beth!

- Oh my God.
- Hi! What are you doing here?

I mean, I guess I know
what you're doing here.

Yeah, I never even
have been here before.

Oh my God, I come here all the time.

It's a best kept secret.

I was given a gift certificate.

Oh, that was a good friend.

- Yeah, yeah.
- How's your break going?

Are you guys traveling?
Are you staying here?

Uh, not traveling, staying here.

- Staying here, yeah.
- Good, good, lucky.

Yeah, yeah, no, it's been just working

and um, what are you guys doing?

We're heading to Cincinnati.

That's where Tim's family is from.

But they don't believe in WiFi,

so it's gonna be a long week.

- Yeah.
- Great, great.

Lots of songs around campfires
and that sort of thing.

Oh, maybe fun.

But, well, good.

Yeah, I'll let you get
back to your sweat,

but it was so good to see you.

You too!

You have a great holiday.

I will, it's been nice to...

Yes, mmhmm.

Thanks.

- Uh huh, bye.
- Bye!

Good to see you.

Ditto.

You put a bathing suit on.

Yes, I did.

I just experienced an
areola to areola hug

with a mom I see every day at drop off.

Oh Jesus.

Yeah, oh my God.

OK, you've gotta be shitting me.

I'm confused. How was that relaxing.

To be clear, it was not.

But my mom's moaning was so aggressive

that we were forced to move
into another massage room

and there, I was able to get
quite a pleasant massage

and I fell asleep halfway through.

Since the room wasn't
booked, they let me sleep

for two hours.

- That sounds like what you needed.
- It was!

Then the day just got better from there.

Rob and I got a ton of work done

and I got an email back from
your friend, Julie, at work.

Really?

Uh huh, she said that she
had misunderstood the story

and was quote, relieved to find
out that I am not a harlot.

I'm glad that got cleared up.

I'm thrilled, thank you!

Do you like my snowflakes?

Bugs, those are awesome!

Wow!

Feel like it's snowing
in Los Angeles, boo!

Mommy, can I have a phone?

Can you get a phone?

No!

But you could just get a new one

and give me your old one.

Oh my gosh.

I'm sorry, I tried to explain it to her.

- That's not how things work.
- Uh huh.

You know what Bugs, we're
actually gonna start

giving you some chores
to do around the house

and we're gonna give you an allowance.

$2 a week.

- Really?
- Yeah but you gotta work for it.

And you gotta start
paying for some things.

So if you wanna download
a song and it's like $2,

you're gonna have to work a
whole week for that song.

So, I want you to be prepared
to have to work very hard

for the things that you wanna buy, OK?

You understand what we're saying?

You mean how you worked hard
to pay for those new shoes?

Mmhmm.

They were probably $10.

Uh huh and I had to work
very hard to earn those $10.

That's a lot of money.

- She did.
- Uh huh.

Alright, let's go empty the
trash cans in the bathroom

'cause that's your new chore. Come on.

- OK!
- That's a good chore!

I like that one.

So that's what we're doing now?

We're just lying to her
about how much things cost?

Yep.

And are you aware you
told her that she can buy

new rag and bone boots for
five weeks of allowance?

Are you aware that you
gave her a god damn iPad?

Yeah.

Yeah, turn away.

You know what you did.

Alright, it's sent.

- Out of our hands now.
- Oh my God.

Is this what vacation feels like?

Ugh, now does this mean
I have to start working

with Kyle again? Barf.

Well I mean, she could write
back and say she hates it

and we have to start over.

You know what? I love
that positive attitude.

- HIV positive.
- Oh, good one. HIV positive.

That's great. Happy holidays.

I'm getting a to go cup.
Do you want anything?

- Nah, I'm good.
- Alright.

Noah, hey!

Oh, hey, good to see you again!

You too!

Hey, were your ears burning last week?

No, why?

Well, I told my husband
that I bumped into you

and that we had hooked
up back in the day.

He was a little jealous I think.

It was kinda fun.

Um, we never hooked up.

We just lived in the
same building on Orange.

Oh shit.

- Noah.
- Yes.

- Right! You lived with Vanessa.
- Yeah! Still together.

- Oh my God!
- Yeah, married.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Um, if you ever meet my husband,

if you could not mention this.

How is that gonna come up?

I think there's a pretty
high chance, yeah.

I will not mention it.

- Thank you. Good to see you.
- Good, great to see you.

- Bye.
- Bye!

- Honey.
- You're still up?

Well, I got you a little something.

Just a small I'm sorry for
everything to do with the iPad.

Mom, thank you.

You didn't have to do that.

- What is this?
- Wind it up.

- Santa [Bleep] a pig.
- Yes! Yeah!

- Mom, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, honey.

- Thank you.
- It reminded me of you.

The pig or Santa?

- The pig!
- That's what I was gonna say.

- They just look so happy.
- I know, do it again.

I love Christmas.