I'm Sorry (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Barbara T. Warren - full transcript

𝒯𝓇𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓁𝒶𝓉e 𝓊𝓃𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓉 E𝒩𝒢LI𝒮H

Do you think David's bought himself
a cutting board for the new house?

No, I can't imagine your
brother's ever carved meat.

And if he has, it was
probably on the back

of an old DVD of Highlander.

I'm gonna get him one
for his housewarming.

That's a nice gift.

I am very curious to see
what this brunch he's throwing

is gonna look like.

- Do you think there'll be chairs or forks?
- I do not.

- Hey, where's that bag of sugar?
- Up your butt.



Okay, nope it's not there.

- Well, you didn't really check, so...
- Yeah I did, it's not there.

Okay, if I look up your
butt and it's in there,

- I'm not gonna be happy.
- Okay, go ahead and take a look.

- Great, I will.
- Hey, stop it.

- I'm checkin' it out.
- No.

Hey, stop it.

You know that you can't
play chicken with me.

It will always end with my
fingers in your butt hole.

Well, aren't you the loser then?

- I don't know, let's see.
- Hey, stop it.

I don't feel safe. Stop, step away.

Alright, but eventually,
you will have to bend over,

and I will be waiting.



Siri, set a reminder to get Mike's butt.

Okay, setting a reminder.

- Oh my God.
- Sorry it's in the cloud now,

there's nothin' I can do, bro.

You're not gonna sleep for a week.

I feel like I've been trapped

in one long birthday
party for three years.

I'm just worried that princess mermaid's

gonna be late to her live cam show.

- I'd watch that.
- I'd throw my eyes across it.

Why do they all have to look
kind of like prostitutes?

What do you mean?

Who else would do this job?

Look, if you ever wanna go
to a game, I'll hook it up.

- Great, I will, awesome.
- You bet.

Hi.

Okay, you're gonna need to
put your Rich Ison boner away,

it is scaring the kids.
Come on, cover it up.

Eww. Mike, be honest, is
this why you had children?

Oh, in hopes that one day

my daughter would go to
school with Rich Ison's kid?

- Uh huh.
- Yeah, it is.

Don't take an aggressive
bite of a carrot after that.

I'm so sorry that you
had to witness this.

- He's gloating.
- Hey, guys.

Make sure you get your
gift bags before you go.

It's a fish.

They're giving out gift bags of fish?

Oh yeah.

- I'm not leavin' here with a fish.
- Nobody wants a fish.

You know what?

- I'm not getting a fish, you wanna grab Amelia?
- Yes I do.

Hey, Izzy, before
Sophie and Amelia leave,

make sure you show them your fish.

They won't want to go
without their bags of fish.

Thank you so much, Brian.

How dare you use your
child in this manner.

You know what, Izzy?

We're actually gonna
pass, but yours is so cute.

- Hello.
- Wow, that was fast.

Perfect, okay guys, see you on Monday.

I will pick you up one
of those little divers.

Oh no.

You know what, and a treasure chest.

- I'm good, thank you so much.
- A little diver.

- But I'm not getting a fish.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you so much.

- Love you guys. Bye bye.
- Bye.

A fish is not happening.

Hey, Bubs, that seems
like a fun party, right?

Hold up.

Hey, Amelia, don't forget your gift bag.

Mommy, look, a fish.

- Wow, thank you so much.
- You're welcome, enjoy.

Shit.

Rich Ison can really move.

He got from his pool to
us at an alarming speed.

Yeah, he's got great burst.

Good luck trying to assault
him in a dark alley, Mike.

I can't make promises.

I feel like this is a
promise you can make.

No.

Ah, I'm gonna have to work
with Rob a little bit today.

Does Kyle ever feel cheated now that
you have a new writing boyfriend?

I mean, I sure as shit hope so.

Otherwise, what am I doing here?

I will say, I'm starting
to understand the allure

of the open relationship.

Really?

Yeah, you know, makes
you feel desirable again,

get your body tingling.

I think studios pick up on that hotness.

Probably.

Don't worry, you'll see it
this weekend at Todd's party.

I think I'm gonna let
you go solo to that one.

What, why?

You know, I don't...

Now I kinda wanna go solo

- if you're gonna be doing that face.
- Good, oh good good.

No, I just, I don't know
if I'm up for a whole night

of comedy bits with your friends.

They never end and they
just get more horrifying.

I know, that's how we
maintain our adorable state

of arrested development.

- So adorable.
- Right, everyone loves it.

I know you like purple,
my walls are lavender.

- Who are you talking too, Bubs?
- Barbara.

You named your fish Barbara?

Does she simmer in Boca?

Her name's Barbara T Warren.

The T stands for toys.

Oh, of course it does.

I'm Barbara's big sister.

She's gonna sleep in my room.

We're best friends.

Oh, Bubs, I'm so sorry.

I loved Barbara, she was my best friend.

I know, she was a very
cool fish, and that was such

a special two and 1/2 hours
that you guys spent together.

Why did we have to put
Barbara in the toilet?

Well, we thought that
because she's a fish

that she would like the water part.

And so, you know what,

it seemed like a perfect
place for her final moments.

But our poop goes in the toilet.

The toilet knows the difference
between fish and poop.

Does the toilet send Barbara to heaven?

Uh, possibly.

Or, you know what, maybe it
goes to the ocean where there,

another bigger fish can eat her and then

become a super big strong fish.

I don't want her to get eaten.

I want her to go to heaven.

I know you do, lovey, I'm sorry.

Why did Barbara have to die?

Well, it was just, you know,

everything has to go sometime.

Yeah, and I guess it
was just Barbara's time.

Wait, so you and Mommy are gonna die?

Well, eventually, yes, but I mean,

not until we are very old.

- How old?
- So so so so old.

Daddy and I are not going anywhere.

- No.
- Alright, I am gonna go jump some rope.

So I don't know if there's
anyone in here that's interested

in anything like that,
honey, kinda looking at you.

- I want to.
- Alright, well, I guess she's in, sorry.

- Okay, go grab the rope.
- Okay.

(BLEEP) Rich Ison.

So do you feel like a
thousand years old now that

your younger brother is a home owner?

No, I am thrilled because you
owe me for years of hosting.

I will bring ice on Sunday, David.

Enjoy your new house.

I don't care for you particularly.

Actually, I don't think that's true.

I think you care for me immensely.

I think it makes you
uncomfortable how much you love me.

Mommy? That man is old, right?

Yeah, I guess.

Here, why don't you pick
out some green apples.

I'm not serving apples.

Alright, I was talking to Amelia.

In all seriousness, I know you
have no idea what you're doing.

- Do you need some help on Sunday?
- Mommy, he's really old.

He's gonna die soon, right?

- I gotta go.
- Wait, what is happ...

Right, Mommy, he's gonna die.

Well, you know what, yes.

He is older and older people die sooner,

so yes, he probably will die soonish.

That's what I thought.

Okay, you know what, let's
head to the freezer section.

But I want apples.

I don't think the apples are
so thrilled with us right now.

Sorry.

Okay, wait, so everyone's fish died?

The kids are devastated.

Oh my God, I can't believe
an entire kindergarten class

is having to confront the
concept of death because

of Rich Ison's shit party favors.

Yeah, after drop off, I'm
gonna go pick up our new cat

from the shelter.

Oh my God, you have to now get
an actual animal in your home?

Well, I have to make up for the
death of our first pet, Andrea.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Did your fish get a name?
- Oh, you mean Barbara?

Is that who you meant?

Oh, I didn't know that I
was referring to Barbara,

- Yeah.
- But yeah, Barbara.

She used to run a hair
salon out in Thousand Oaks

- Oh no.
- ... before she came to us.

How are people gonna get
their, you know, perms?

A lot of angry frizzy-haired
people out in the Valley.

Not only did ours get a name,
but Grenadine was laid out,

and what seemed like 200 beanie
boos showed up to pay their respects.

Oh, yeah, we had a lot of very sad,

and very long-winded Jedi knights.

You know what, it's
actually a little touching

that Jedi knights would sort of

- be this emotional.
- Yeah, be there.

Yeah, well they have the Force.

Not the force to keep that fish alive.

We all had a tough weekend.

You know what, Brian?

At least you guys are Catholic,
because Grenadine's up there

livin' the life in heaven.

Poor Barbara's being
digested by a monkfish.

That's how I left it with Amelia.

It's very Biblical, you
know, Jonah and the whale,

et cetera, et cetera.

I thought you weren't religious.

I'm not, but I read the Bible.

I wanna know what you
weirdos are talkin' about.

Good morning.

So we heard what happened this
weekend, and we just wanted

to let you know we put some time aside

for the kids to talk
about their feelings.

Oh, okay.

- Thanks for letting us know.
- Of course.

They have to change up their whole
lesson plan now because of this?

(BLEEP) Rich Ison.

How is that mustache my
daughter's kindergarten teacher?

Hey, are you getting Brad anything

for his birthday Saturday?

No, I'm not in love with him.

Wait a minute, you got me
something for my birthday.

Yeah, 'cause I'm obsessed with you.

- Ooh.
- Barf.

- Hey.
- Hey guys.

What's up, what can I get you?

Hi Amy, can I get a
vanilla latte please.

- Americano please.
- Got it, that's $7.50.

- Do you have cash?
- Uh, yeah, it's up your butt.

Oh, um, my hands are full,
do you mind gettin' it for me?

No I do not, take your pants off,

I'll three-knuckle ya up there.

Oh really, all three knuckles,
right up my butt hole?

I could for four, I'll get up in there.

Sure, yeah, I'll take my pants off.

Um, actually, you can't take
your pants off here, sorry.

- We could go in the bathroom.
- Let's get in the bathroom.

I just need the time and space

because I will be getting
very deep up there.

Oh no, I know your technique, obviously,

you wanna get right in there and expand.

- And I will be spreading my fingers.
- Oh, of course.

I'm sorry. I just
wanted to get a muffin.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Obviously, go ahead please,
I will pay for your muffin,

and our coffees, Amy, sorry.

Night, tootsie roll.

Goodnight, smooch de la rooch.

See ya in the morns, corns.

God, it's really disgusting how
this kid doesn't get any love.

So sad.

Mommy, what's gonna happen
to me when you and Daddy die?

Aw, Bubs, again, you don't
really need to worry about that

until we're so old, and by
then, you're gonna be a grown up

and you're gonna be like, I
don't even need those two anymore.

Not everyone dies when they're old.

Toby's aunt died when she was
23 from eating too much sugar.

Yeah, I'd love some more
details on that story.

Will I go live with Grammy?

No, I mean, probably
not, because you know,

Grammy's getting a
little older, and so...

So she's gonna die soon.

No, Grammy is not going anywhere.

Everybody is fine, nobody's dying.

This is fun.

But she's gonna die before you, right?

Well, yes, most likely because

that's the way the generations go.

Who am I gonna live with then?

Well, you wanna know?

Again, this only
happens in an emergency,

but Daddy and I have discussed it

and you would go live with Uncle David.

Really?

Again, this only happens
if Daddy and I are gone.

Okay, great.

Wow.

Don't look at me, I've
been dead for years.

Well, our daughter's
going to be fine if we die.

- What?
- Yeah.

I might even say she's
giddy with the possibility.

When I told her that she
would go live with Uncle David,

her eyes literally lit up
with the idea of a future

she didn't even know was possible.

- Come on.
- Oh, no no, I was there.

That's when she just
breezed past my death.

Just right past.

Well, I guess we should be
sort of relieved, I mean,

we want her to be
comfortable with who she

ends up with, right?

I know, I think this is just
like her little subconscious

giving her a coping mechanism in case

something terrible happens.

Breaks my heart to think she's
walking around worried about this.

Yeah, me too.

Mom, what did you tell me
about death when I was little?

Do you remember how sad I
was when Candy Purple died?

I remember how sad our cat was

when you named her Candy Purple.

Ooh, cool burn, Mom, cha cha cha.

Well, I just said that
she got super tired

and then she fell asleep.

So you equated sleeping
with dying, to a child?

Oh, that's weird, that's around
when my crippling insomnia started.

I'm sure totally unrelated.

Well, there's just no easy way
to explain death to a child.

No, there isn't.

By the way, I'm gonna need
you to give me all your

end of life directives,
'cause you're not gonna want me

out there goin' rogue.

I don't care what you do
with my body after I die.

Really, is that a promise?

But if I ever go into a coma,
don't you dare pull the plug.

Even if you're like
totally unresponsive,

you just wanna lie there
hooked up to machines,

unable to communicate with anyone?

Well, haven't you ever heard
about those people who go

into a coma for like 30 years
and then suddenly they wake up?

Sharon, how long do you
think you would end up living?

I don't know, 15 or 20 years.

This plan sounds flawless.

Just so you know, I have
given Mike full license

to end my life immediately,
as soon as I need a plug,

- I want it pulled.
- Oh stop it.

What, I have no interest in
lying there, alive but trapped

in my body with just my thoughts.

Well, your thoughts,
then I can understand.

Woo, two in one, oh.

See ya tomorrow.

Bye, I'll be working on my
plans for when you're dead.

Your mom wants to be
kept alive in a coma?

Yeah, and then thinks she's gonna live

another lifetime after that.

No no no no no, the only
thing that's gonna happen

to your mom is that
she's gonna get fingered

by all those male nurses.

Pretty sure that's her motivation.

- Oh really?
- You've met my mother.

Hey guys, aloha.

Oh, I don't know if all
of us have thanked you

appropriately for
inviting us to the tropics.

I mean, what you've done here...

If you're gonna go to Hawaii,
you (BLEEP) go to Hawaii.

Ahem, I've decided I'm
donating my body to a body farm.

- Uh uh um.
- I wanna make sure you all heard.

No worry, we're not talking
about death for five minutes.

- What the (BLEEP) is a body farm?
- It's exactly what it sounds like.

A body farm is one of
those farms where they

grow delicious food in the
compost of human bodies.

No no no no, it's where
scientists study how

different bodies decompose
in different environments

for forensic purposes.

Oh, that is not at all what
a body farm sounds like.

A body farm to me sounds like people
just like nude and tilling the lands.

- Nude.
- Yeah, boy.

- Yeah, boy, aloha.
- No, no.

I don't know why people are
so freaked out about death.

We're all gonna die, so let's
just like live with our fear.

Oh, did you just YOLO us, bro?

Yeah, yeah I did, if you don't like it,

you can suck my dick.

- Well.
- It's actually interesting you bring that up,

because my new YOLO is

I'm not leaving a party
'til I get my dick sucked.

- Oh.
- Oh, I like that. That's sweet.

Brad, you're closest
to Don, suck his dick.

That makes sense, sure, go
ahead and take your pants off.

Okay, fine, yeah.

You know, I was actually
getting ready to leave,

so this kind of works out perfectly.

Yeah, we've been trying to
figure out how to get you

outta here, so it's
kind of a twofer for us.

I will be honest, we
are ready for you to go,

so pull it out.

So I'm gonna take out my
dick, and then you're gonna

put it in your mouth, and
you're gonna suck my dick.

You're gonna stop talkin',
and I'm gonna start suckin'.

- It's time.
- Alright, well I'm doin' it.

Okay, alright.
- Alright.

Come on, let's have a par...

Well, I don't think that is
something that we will ever un-see.

I just don't know how
you come back from that.

I don't think you'll come back the same,

I think you just accept

that you're in a new
reality, and that life

is just different now.

At what point did you
realize that it was...

- That we were goin'...
- ... seeing.

- ... for it?
- Yeah.

I think it was tongue out and dick out

and then the lean over,

- The lean.
- ... is when I started to go,

alright, we're goin'
to uncharted territory.

God, Corinne has it the
worst out of all of us though.

I don't think there are
gradations of who had it the worst.

We were all equally traumatized.

No, she doesn't drink, so
she's gonna have the full-on

just sober recollection of
everything that just happened.

She was stone cold, mouth on dick sober.

I'll be honest, I thought
my daughter wanting me dead

was gonna be the most memorable thing

that happened this week.

- No, this is it.
- Glad to see that was...

- Yeah.
- ... outshined.

I think that actually was
a bit that went too far.

Yeah, yeah, wow.

On a separate note, Todd's dick is like

- So big.
- ... really big.

Right, why is he not more confident?

On the other hand, it did
sort of reverse engineer

a way for us to all see
his dick as really big.

- So....
- (BLEEP).

Now I kinda wish I'd
taken a closer look at it.

I got a good, close look.

You were at a better spot.

Yeah, I had prime vintage point.

It was like...

right there.

The way his mouth was just on it.

Oh, it was just on it.

Wow, I'm so glad I wasn't at that party.

I'm actually starting to
have a new appreciation

for why these parties are
so uncomfortable for you.

Oh, that's all it took?

It was just, you know, quick
dick lick between friends

- to make me see the light. I feel like...
- Right.

Gandhi's even said that, like
that's how you see the light.

You see two friends quickly
lick dicks and then suddenly

your whole world opens up.

Mommy, when I go live with
Uncle David, do you think

he will let me have soda?

Okay, Daddy and I are not
going anywhere, Bubs, okay.

You are not actually
moving in with your uncle.

But one day I could.

I'm gonna show Walter
Uncle David's house.

Great.

Well, I think one could categorize
that as a skippin' one step.

You're right, she seems
very okay if we die.

Okay, she is planning
our imminent demise.

I'm gonna start putting
napkins on top of all my drinks.

- Smart.
- In all seriousness though,

are we like totally prepared
if something terrible

like actually happens to us?

We're as prepared as we can be, I guess.

I know that you have a
life insurance policy,

and we decided that my
life was worth nothing,

so it didn't make
sense for us to get one.

But maybe, you know,
we look into getting me

just like a small one.

I want Amelia to have at least a little

walking around money.

Walking around money?

Yeah, I don't want her to
have to go to David for like

every single little thing she wants.

He'll end up buying her a Lennox phone

and then nothing to wear to prom.

Aw, you're a good mom.

Aw, it only took you six and
1/2 years for you to admit that.

But obviously we can't let her know
that there's any money on the line.

God no.

- I really like this table.
- Yeah, it's nice.

Oh shit.
- What's wrong?

I've been waiting a week
for you to bend over and then

after what I experienced last
night, the thrill is gone.

I mean, that works out for
me, so I'm not complaining.

You know what, that's actually
very selfish of you, Mike.

I'm okay with that.

Good, well stop just
thinking about yourself.

Your place looks great.

Oh thank you, and for the lady.

What?

I'm sorry, I'm sort of
getting into the spirit

of like having people over
and like taking care of stuff.

- It's not gonna last for long.
- You just called me a lady?

I mean, that's a loose
term I'll throw around.

I mean, David, I can't
believe you have like a couch

and, what is this, an area rug?

Yeah, I am a grown ass man.

Okay, grown ass men do not
use the word grown ass man.

I don't think you have any
empirical proof of that.

Actually, you know what I do.

I did a scientific double blind study.

It was peer reviewed.

It got great reviews from all the peers.

You wouldn't believe how
much empirical proof I got.

Are you happy with yourself now?

Actually, I do feel
pretty good about myself.

Honey, I wanted to tell you, I
think you're doing very, very well.

- Oh God.
- Oh no, Mom is defending me.

Okay, sell your house, get out now.

Alright, what is wrong
with me defending David?

Whenever you defend him,

it's clear that you don't
think he's actually doing well,

and you're desperate for
him not to know the truth.

Oh come on, I just think, you know,

he's doing very, very well.

- No, whoa, Mom.
- Aah, oh my God, no.

Please stop defending me, okay.

I think at this point I
should just burn my house down

and take the insurance money.

I honestly think it's your only option.

- Come on.
- I will help you. I will light the matches.

I'm getting more coffee.

- Okay.
- Mom, if you could just backtrack

and say negative stuff about the house.

Tell him something terrible.

Just do it.

What are you doing? Hey,
I wasn't even bending over.

Well, the thrill is gone,
but it's not forgotten.

Uncle David, I found my room.

It's really big and
it's got a fireplace.

Uh, Bubs, actually I'm guessing

that's probably Uncle David's room.

- Is that your room with the fire place?
- Yeah.*

You know what, there's
another room down the hall.

- Why don't you check that one out.
- Okay.

Why's your daughter pickin'
out a room in my house?

Because she's currently
planning our untimely demise,

and you're her guardian, and
she will be living with you,

so she needs a room.

Wait, I'm her guardian?

Yes, David, we asked you years ago.

- Really?
- I'm concerned that you don't know this.

We sent you paperwork.

- Yes.
- Oh God.

- Oh God?
- That's right.

I'm sorry, would you
mind holding off on dying

for a little while, because
I was planning on having like

an at-home workspace here.

You know, let us know when
it's convenient for you

and then we'll try to plan
on killing ourselves then.

Thank you, that'd be great.

Don't say I never did anything for you.

Okay, Mommy, I'll take that one.

I think it's nice your uncle
giving you a room in the house.

Well, actually, it's
only if something terrible

and unexpected happens to me and Mike.

Again, it's unlikely anything
will happen until we're very old.

Well, not always.

My best friend died when he was seven,

drowned right in front of my eyes.

- Leon.
- What?

I'm just sayin', things happen.

Wait, a kid can die?

Well...

Technically...

Yes.

You know what?

I think we all just needed a
new pet to help clear our minds.

Yes.

Saul looks so happy in his new house.

You're right, Saul does look very happy.

Mommy, he doesn't want you to die.

Aw, tell Saul that I
appreciate that, Bubs, mwah.

I think he wants more carrots.

You know what, why
don't you grab him some.

- Okay.
- Alright, good.

(BLEEP) Rich Ison.

I feel like I still see a
little bit of an Ison boner.

Oh, Saul's really starin' right at it.

I knew I was gonna be
friends with this guinea pig.

Saul, you're my people.

Really, 'cause Saul is
my grandfather's name.

Saul Benchman Metermanders.

Okay, that can't be a true
story. Hi, Amy, how are you?

Good, what can I get for you?

I will have an almond milk latte.

Regular person latte.

Got it, that'll be eight bucks.

Do you have cash?

Yes, yes I do, right here in my wallet.

I'll pay you back later.

That will be wonderful, thank you.

Here is cash from my wallet.

𝒯𝓇𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓁𝒶𝓉e 𝓊𝓃𝒾𝒸𝒶𝓉 E𝒩𝒢LI𝒮H