I'm Sorry (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Divorce Fantasy - full transcript

Mommy, did you get a present
for Oscar's birthday?
No, you know, his mommies told
me not to get a present,
so, lovely, we're just
going to get a book
and they're gonna
donate it to the library.
One of my books?
No, don't worry.
Your 3,000 books for one small
human are completely safe.
Good.
"Good"-- really? "Good"?
His "mommies"?
Yes, mom, they are
a lesbian couple
and their son Oscar
is in Amelia's class.
Remember when we had gay dogs?
Wow!
Just so you know--
What?
just if you're out
in mixed company--
Yeah?
Going from a lesbian couple to
"remember we had gay dogs"--
not necessarily the best leap.
Do you remember when Abe
used to shove his stuff
into Silver's face
and force him to do things?
Yeah, do you remember
how poor Silver
had to stick his little head
in the rails of the banister
just to get a moment's peace?
It was very
traumatizing to me.
Abe was on his last legs when
we got him, and then what?
He lived five more years.
Yeah, 'cause he was gettin'...
[mouthing words] every day.
Well, they were forced,
you know.
Either way.
And I'm not sure
that has the same effect.
Come to think of it,
was Silver really gay?
You know what, he wasn't,
because he had
no choice in the matter.
He was more "gay for stay".
"Gay for stay"--
do people say that?
Grammy, look what I drew.
Oh... oh, my gosh,
look at that sun.
We've been here
quite a while.
When does dance class start?
It started 20 minutes ago.
Why isn't she dancing?
Because after begging me
to take dance class,
Amelia decided
she just wanted to watch.
So, you just sit here
every week for 45 minutes?
Yeah, that's what happens
because when we make
a commitment,
we stick to it, right?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Do you, do you get
some of your money back?
No, I did not get
any of my money back.
Mommy, can I have snack?
Ah, you know what,
it's really not good to eat
while you're dancing.
You could get
a cramp and drown.
It's called sarcasm,
which is something that's
going to be very important
for you to learn in life.
Hey! Mom, did you see
that plie?
I'm not playing this game.
*
Mommy, Walter's flying in air!
Walter's going crazy!
Walter's going crazy, honey.
All right, it looks like
Oscar's house is up here.
Mommy, why does Oscar
have two mommies?
Well, because Oscar's mommies,
they fell in love
with each other
and decided to have a baby,
and they're two mommies
because they're both girls,
and girls are mommies.
So you can have
more than one mommy?
Hundred percent--
you can have two mommies.
You can have two daddies.
Some people just go
mommy, no daddy.
Some people have
a daddy, no mommy.
Some people just have
a grammy and grampy.
You can even have a grammy and a
grammy or a grampy and a grampy.
It's more rare.
Yeah, but it's still an option.
And it's an option I'm
incredibly excited to Google
a little bit later today.
The point is, it's super-cool
because there's lots
of different
kinds of families
and they don't all
have to look like us.
Like Oscar's family.
Two mommies is a lot of mommies.
Yeah, but, wouldn't you want
to have two mommies,
especially if you had two
mommies like this mommy?
[singing]
* This is when you want
three mommies at least *
Yeah!
So in that scenario
you're getting cloned
and marrying yourself.
No, no, clone me is
not ready to settle down,
she is open for biz.
I'd like to meet that clone.
You're not her type.
She likes very petite,
hermetic men.
Oh.
Here's your gift bag.
We should really set up a family
play date with Leah and Jessica.
I really like them.
Did you even get a chance
to talk to them?
No.
Okay.
I just think
they seem very cool,
so automatically I can relate
to them on that level.
Mm-hmm.
But also,
Amelia's got some questions
about two mommies.
Now, it's one thing to sit
there and we explain to her
like all the other
different families and all,
but it's another
thing just to see it
and realize it's just
totally normal.
Yeah, I mean, she doesn't
really have that person
as a point of reference
in her daily life.
Well, I mean there's
my brother David,
but she wouldn't
know he's gay
because he still
hasn't come out,
so I guess technically
that doesn't really help.
You know he still calls
Nick his roommate, right?
Yeah.
So, basically, he's worthless.
But is Amelia even
friends with Oscar?
Not really, I mean,
he's a boy.
But this isn't about her
being friends with Oscar,
this is about her getting
to know Oscar's mommies.
Oscar's more like our
lesbian Trojan horse.
Wait, that doesn't work.
Amelia is the Trojan horse.
No, Amelia's the soldiers
inside the Trojan horse
who jump out and
learn a lot about lesbians.
You ready to go, Bubs?
Come on!
Was that a fun party?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Amelia! This is for you.
And we snuck in
an extra eraser,
so don't tell any of
the little kids about it, okay?
I heard so.
Could you also not mention it
to any of the other kids?
Okay, it's gonna
be hard, though.
But what do you say, lovey?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
Thanks for inviting us.
Amelia had so much fun.
We should do a family
play date sometime.
We would love that.
Oh, good!
We usually go to this indoor
gym thing on Saturdays.
Do you guys want to
come with us next week?
Yeah!
That sounds cool.
Let's do it!
Up high.
Down low.
Ooh, too slow.
Oh!
Hey, don't worry.
Between now and next Saturday
I will train her because
she will not embarrass
our family again.
You will not embarrass
our family again!
Bye!
Bye, thank you for coming.
[David on phone]
No, no, no, no,
you and mom are not
remembering this right.
Yes, we are!
It wasn't Abe.
Silver would saunter
around the house.
He had sort of like an attitude
about it or whatever.
David!
He had hip dysplasia.
He was also flashing
his butt all the time.
Are you saying
that Silver was
asking for this?
Are you victim blaming
right now?
I'm just saying that he wasn't
necessarily innocent, okay?
Wow!
You know, I don't sully
the good name of Silver Shadow
when he's not alive
to defend himself.
How was your weekend?
I went to two kids' birthday
parties, went to Target.
And we were in bed
both nights by nine,
so part heavenly and also
part incredibly soul crushing.
How was yours?
We stayed up past nine,
if that's what you're asking.
Ooh!
Now it sounds like
someone's bragging.
Who's "we," by the way?
Who's "we" stayed up?
You know my roommate, Nick?
Yes, of course I know
your roommate Nick.
We made lightbulbs
from scratch.
How do you make
a lightbulb from scratch?
The key is to find
the proper filament,
and then you gotta weigh a lot
of factors, like density--
Sorry to interrupt, but I
just killed myself, so--
Okay, well, you asked me.
The point is that
Nick and I had fun,
we had a great time,
we loved it.
Well, you and Nick always
have a lot of fun together,
you guys have
a lot in common.
David, you know that
I really like Nick, right?
Yeah, he's pretty great. |
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
There's a woman who's got "Pink
Mom" on her license plate
who is dressed tops
to bots all in pink--
I gotta go, I gotta go.
Okay, I guess you're
not looking--
[car thunks]
Oh, shit!
I mean, there was
barely a dent,
but you could see
why Pink Mom should be
really considered
a driving distraction.
Bubs, you're up.
And of course
she fled the scene.
How was your lesbian party,
by the way?
What lesbian party?
You know, the "mommies".
Oh, you mean the birthday
party for a five-year-old
that was thrown
by his mothers?
Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm not used to all this,
you know, new configuration
of family.
Why are you following me
while I hopscotch?
Because we're chatting.
It's creeping me out.
Well, get un-creeped.
There weren't any gay parents
when you were growing up.
Yeah, because they weren't
allowed to have kids.
I don't remember that.
Yeah, that tracks.
Now, everyone has to
draw something in nature.
I'm gonna draw a fairy.
Ooh, I wanna see
that fairy, right?
I just don't have that many gay
people in my everyday life
so that I can understand
all the nuances, you know?
Well, you got one person.
No, no, no, no,
cousin June isn't gay,
she just runs a juice bar.
Mom, no one thinks
cousin June's gay,
especially not because
she runs a juice bar.
That's what I said,
she's not gay.
Who, who were
you thinking of?
Come on.
Do you really not know?
What?
David.
My son, David?
And my brother David?
Yeah.
What makes you
think David is gay?
He's so... masculine.
Masculine people can be gay.
Well, not David,
David's not gay.
Mom, he's in his 30's,
he's never had a girlfriend.
He's a computer engineer.
You can't use
that excuse forever.
He's always going on
about Nick
and how much fun
they have together,
and they're spending
weekends together.
Mom, come on.
Oh, my gosh, Nick.
He loves Nick.
I think Nick
is his boyfriend.
Oh, I hope he's not gay.
Mom!
Why would you say that?
I don't have a problem
with gay people, you know that.
I know that!
It's just that it's a harder
life, and he's my son.
I get that.
Mommy, aren't you
going to draw?
Sorry! We are drawing
stuff in nature.
Here.
Mom, it's 2017, it's not
as hard as it used to be.
Yes, it is.
It's harder to get married,
it's harder to have kids.
And you know what, it's harder
to get a wedding cake.
What are you talking about?
I'm not joking,
I saw it on the news.
There are very
homophobic bakeries,
and you know how much
David loves cake.
But mom, if he's gay,
don't you want to do it now
and not waste
any more time?
I don't know.
If anything, it's gonna
work out the best for you
because then you don't
just have to rely on me
when you're old and decrepit,
like a year from now.
He'll make sure
your hair looks good,
he'll take you on
some cruises.
No, no, no, I don't
think he's cruise gay.
He'd probably make me go on
a tour of the Boeing factory.
That's true.
But you'll also have
someone to fix your scanner.
Oh, I do hate that
[bleep] scanner.
Mom, what are you drawing?
What? It's the lemon tree that
you and David used to climb.
It's something in nature.
What are those
things at the trunk?
Those are lemons
that fell off the tree.
Those are... large lemons.
Why? What do you think it is?
David, Nick.
What?
Boom!
Oh, my God.
Maybe this is your subconscious
becoming okay with this.
If it is, could we at least
say that this is David
and this is Nick, because David
was always such a go-getter.
If that makes you feel better,
mom, you can definitely say
that David is jamming
himself into Nick.
I am done drawing.
What are we doing next?
Come on, monkey, off the bed.
Get off the bed.
Are you excited to have your
play date with Oscar today?
I don't play with Oscar much.
You don't have to play
with him much,
you just have to play
with him today.
Yeah, you'll have
fun when you get there.
By the way, Oscar's mommies
told me the Coop is...
[singsong]
...amazing!
Do Oscar's mommies
sleep in the same bed?
Uh, of course.
They love each other, so I'm
sure that they like to snuggle
just like me and daddy do.
That's funny.
Well, I don't think
it's funny, I just think
it's a little different.
I agree, and I also agree that
I'm totally going to tickle you
if you don't get ready to go!
I have to say, I'm glad
we have this play date.
Yeah, me too.
I mean, I feel
like good role models
is the way this
is gonna sink in.
I hope so.
You know, I actually wouldn't
mind if Amelia was a lesbian.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, nah, don't act
so cool and open-minded.
I know what you're doing.
Typical dad with a daughter.
You don't want a boy putting
a penis inside her.
Wow, that was really tough to
hear out loud, but totally true.
Well, just so you know,
even if she is a lesbian,
there's still toys,
so there's still going to be
something inside her.
Something to think about.
Oh, man.
She can be asexual.
Bubs, just make sure
you buckle up.
Hey!
Oh, hey!
How are you?
I'm good, how you doing?
I got my shorts on again.
Ah, yeah, you do-- shorts!
Yeah, shorts!
Have a good day.
Hey!
Hey, there.
Bye!
Bye-bye.
I'm just got an email
saying our insurance premium
might go up because of
the whole Pink Mom incident.
Why? I thought you said
there was barely a dent.
She's now claiming
she has medical costs.
Who? Pink Mom?
No, again, Pink Mom fled
the scene-- the woman I hit.
Although, let's be honest,
Pink Mom probably has
some medical costs herself,
mostly psychiatric.
What's this other
woman claiming?
Supposedly she has breast
implants and when I hit her,
the seatbelt, like, jammed in
and caused some sort of damage
that now the insurance
has to cover.
It seems crazy.
How does that even happen?
She didn't seem particularly...
[vocalizing]
...when we exchanged
information, so,
how do we even know she had
implants in the first place?
It doesn't really matter--
it's why we have insurance.
In matters to me if
our deductible goes up
because of her fake
banged-up boobies.
Well, it's not worth
fighting over, I mean, fine.
Oh, okay...
[indistinct voice on phone]
You need to hear this.
Hey, it's your brother,
listen, um...
I really need to talk
to you about something--
it's not bad or anything,
but it's just the other day
you said how you really
liked Nick and, uh, anyway,
are you free to meet up
later and talk about this?
Just let me know.
Bye.
Okay, he sounds weird, right?
I think this
might be the moment.
What moment?
The moment he reveals himself
to me as a homosexual.
What makes you think that if he
does come out, you'd be the one?
Because I'm his sister and he
feels comfortable around me,
and this is the face
of no judgement.
Mm-hmm.
This is the face of judgement.
Nyah!
And this is the face
of surprise.
[gasping]
And this is my pretty face.
Mommy, that is not pretty.
What, is it too pretty?
Yes, it's too pretty.
Did you hear that?
That was sarcasm.
Oh, my God!
This is the best day
of my life.
[kids laughing and playing]
Whoa, look at that dolphin!
Hey!
Hey!
You made it!
Amelia...
Have you been practicing?
Up high.
Down low-- oh!
We trained for this!
You blew it!
But we didn't come with nothing.
We brought socks.
Oh, we look very cool.
Someone forgot ours
and we had to buy them.
Oh!
Me!
Ah.
It's me, I'm the one that
forgot the socks
and then we had to buy them.
I've had--
I've done it before.
It does,
happens all the time.
Amelia, Oscar's in
the ball pit.
He wants to know
if you'll join him.
That sounds fun.
But Mommy, you're not allow to
throw the balls out like that.
That's true.
Why don't you see
if Oscar wants to meet you
in that super cool teepee?
Yeah.
By the way,
I have to make
a reservation for my time.
You don't want to get in that
teepee-- fresh buff.
Yeah?
That's sort of what happens
when you take...
[mouthing words]
You're right.
One of the kids right now
is having crazy visions.
I'm pretty sure it's that girl,
right behind you.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's been acting crazy.
So finally, I hand the menu back
to the waiter and he says--
That-- that's not--
she's telling it wrong.
You had the menu.
Do you want to tell it?
No, I don't want to--
You go ahead, you tell it,
it's your story.
Tell it wrong,
but go ahead.
No, after you,
you tell the story.
You know what, we actually
went to that same restaurant
and didn't we have
a strange waiter too?
Yeah, right.
I think they just have
a strange staff of--
Mommy...
Oh, hi, Bubs.
What happened?
Are you okay?
Oscar hit me.
Oh, well, I'm sure that
that was an accident.
I'm sure that
Oscar is very sorry.
No.
"No..." [laughing]
"No."
He loves hitting.
I mean, he loves hitting,
it's like his favorite thing.
Oh!
There he goes.
He's so strong.
It kind of hurts, buddy,
do you want to stop that?
It doesn't look
like he wants to.
You know what,
why don't we have a snack?
Do you want a snack?
Great!
Yeah, you want
some snack, big guy?
You want a fruit bar?
Oh, I forgot them.
So the two things that
you were in charge of,
socks and fruit, you just
decided not to bring?
No, I didn't decide not
to bring-- what I decide,
it was an accident,
people make mistakes.
Tell me what
the difference is.
The difference between
an accident and a decision.
Not here.
We have lots of stuff.
Seriously, have--
we've over-snacked.
Here.
Get in there,
have some pretzels.
Help yourself.
Oscar, why do you have
to take so many pretzels?
That's against the rule.
Well, if Oscar wants
two fistfuls of pretzels,
that's fine, you know,
different families,
different rules.
Yeah, we don't really
have any rules around food.
We don't want to
give him a complex.
Oh, uh-huh.
Hey, little buddy, you actually
need to keep your food
on this side of the rail.
But when you're
done with your snack
you can come back and play.
Excuse me, hey, excuse me.
Problem?
Um, no problem,
we just can't have any food
on this side of the rail.
They have a sign there.
Well, if you have an
issue with something,
why don't you
bring it up to me
instead of talking
to my small kid?
Oh, yeah, of course.
Could we maybe talk to somebody
who's gone through puberty?
I can bring my manager.
Yeah, your manager, yeah, why
don't you go get me the manager?
Yeah, we would love to know
why not letting a child
bring a few pretzels
past an imaginary line
is that big of a deal, okay?
You don't have be
a [bleep] Nazi about it.
Oh, okay, yeah, I'll...
It's okay, honey.
You're perfect.
[both whispering]
I hate this place.
So the one lesbian couple in our
class turns out to be dickheads?
The way they were
screaming at that guy.
That guy!
I didn't know what to do.
I gave him 20 bucks.
These are the people
that Amelia's looking to
to define a lesbian family?
She's going to think
all lesbians are monsters.
I know, and Jessica
wouldn't let up
on the high five thing
with Amelia.
Right?
Just give her the down low.
Does she think we're walking
away like, ooh, look at Jessica,
cheetah-like reflexes.
Congratulations!
You beat a five-year-old!
Let me have a shot at
her "down low".
Oh, there's a real
fire behind your eyes.
I like it.
Really?
No, it's gone now.
But seriously, how are we
going to keep Amelia from now
just associating
lesbian with asshole
for the rest of her life?
Is it okay that
we're calling them assholes?
I feel like we shouldn't.
Listen...
If that was a straight couple
that we hung out with
and they acted like that
and spoke to people like that,
we would call them assholes.
That's true.
If you think about it,
it's actually more prejudiced
to not call them out
just because they're gay.
If anything,
we're being less prejudiced
by being comfortable enough
to call them assholes.
That oddly makes sense.
Right?
But it still feels
weird calling les--
Mommy, can I have some yogurt?
Uh, yeah, uh, sure, Bubs.
Did you have fun
at your play date today?
Not really-- Oscar hit me and
the two mommies were fighting.
Yeah, well, you know what,
everybody argues
sometimes, right?
I don't think it's
because he's got two mommies.
I know, you and daddy
fight sometimes.
That's true, but we love
each other, and we love you.
Just like Oscar's
mommies love him.
Can I have my yogurt now?
Yeah, sure,
one yogles coming up.
"Yogles"?
Yeah, sorry, actually,
the yogurt industry officially
switched it to "yogles".
People are not happy,
but, uh,
sorry, it's just
there's nothing I can do.
Just when I thought this day
was getting better.
The graphite gets charged
with electricity, okay,
and that generates
its own energy
in the form of heat
and light...
Mm-hmm.
...and that's a lightbulb.
Can you just do me a favor?
I can't do it myself,
but I'm going to close my eyes
and you just hit it real hard.
Yeah, you know,
I wonder why you keep asking me
to explain what
a lightbulb is.
Because it sounds like it's
going to be interesting,
but then somehow
you make it less so.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Okay, so, uh...
There's something I have to
talk to you about, obviously.
And I'm here for you.
Whatever it is, I'm here.
Thank you.
You know my friend Nick, right?
I was saying, I love Nick,
you know that.
Well, Nick and I have gotten
pretty close over
the last year and a half...
Mm-hmm.
...and, um, did you know he was
dating someone named Briana?
Yeah.
Well, they broke up recently.
Okay.
And it has to do with me.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, so now,
I, uh, am dating Briana.
What?
Yeah, I know.
So, I just want to know,
should I be the one to tell him
or should she tell him,
you know,
because I really
like this girl--
I thought you were gay!
What? What?
You thought-- why,
why did you think I was gay?
So... so many reasons!
So many reasons?
First of all,
what's wrong with being gay?
Well, there's nothing,
I just-- because it's--
You've never had a girlfriend,
you're over 30.
That's exactly--
that's all you got?
I'm a computer engineer.
You know what,
that's what mom said, okay,
he's a computer engineer.
I don't think just saying
someone's a computer engineer--
Could you stop a second?
You told mom...
Yeah.
...that I'm gay.
I may have been preparing her
for the possibility.
Okay, what did mom say?
She had some concerns,
I'll be honest.
Um, some bakery concerns
and whatnot, but then,
after a little convincing
I got her on board.
This is insane!
You have to undo this!
I don't-- obviously
I'm gonna tell her,
I'm not just gonna let her
still think you're gay.
Wait, wait,
stop for a second.
How many people know?
How many people did you tell?
Nobody! I'm not going
around like, "He's gay!"
I just-- people assume, Mike
obviously thinks your gay.
Obviously?
Yeah, how do you for sure know,
by the way,
that you're not gay?
Because I'm-- how do you know
you're not gay?
Well, because I've been
there a couple of times
and it's not for me.
You don't mean that--
you've been there?
You've "been there"?
What does that mean?
Where have you been?
Vaginas.
You've been to vagina.
I've been to the vagina store,
and I didn't find anything
I wanted to purchase.
Look, what do I tell Nick,
seriously, though?
Because I don't
want hurt feelings.
I don't give a [bleep],
tell him, don't tell him,
who cares?
Obviously I came to
the right person for advice.
I don't think I'm
overstating it when I say
it was the Chernobyl
of play dates.
I think there was
a mass sterilization
that went across the Coop.
Well, I feel it's
worth saying, they're awful.
Seriously?
Brian, why wouldn't
you tell us that
before we made
plans with them?
What, I'm gonna talk shit about
the only gay couple in class?
Yeah, it doesn't feel great.
Now I'm sure they're gonna
want to get together.
I just-- honestly, I don't have
it in me, I cannot do it again.
I don't think you
have to worry about that.
Why? What do you mean?
According to William's mom,
who talked to Jessica,
they don't want to have another
play date with you guys,
so you're in the clear.
Excuse me?
What problem could
they probably have with us?
Well, apparently they
thought that you guys
are a little bit uptight.
We're uptight? Why?
Because we don't let our kids
punch us in the face
and we don't just like,
scream at innocent employees?
Wait a minute,
that's good news.
We don't want to have
more play dates with them.
Right, but... if you could
just let William's mom know
that we are not uptight.
No, she doesn't
care about that.
That's fair.
Still tell her, though.
Hey, William's mom,
she's not uptight.
That's not William's mom,
that's a tree.
I know,
I just wanted to practice.
I know it doesn't
sound great to say it,
but I'm really
relieved he's not gay.
I thought you'd actually
gotten on board with it.
That's when I thought
I had to be.
And besides, I really don't
like Boeing airplanes.
Well, he's going
to be taking you
to that factory either way,
mom, get bored.
I have to say,
I'm a little surprised that
you're back to watching Amelia
watch her dance class again.
Well, if you're going
to be my sole caretaker,
I want to be sure that
I'm on your good side.
Oh, I like where
this is going.
Which reminds me,
I need you to drive me
to the dermatologist
on Thursday.
I'm liking this part less.
What?
I have a little something on my
back, I want them to look at it.
You know that you
still drive, right, mom?
What if they put me under?
To look at something
on your back?
Well, you never know.
I know in this case,
very confident that
they're not going to remove
something from your back
where they have
to put you under--
Oh, now you're a doctor?
If you're a dermatologist
who just immediately goes
from consultation to surgery
and needs you to go under,
call Leon.
Leon's not going
to be around forever.
He'll be around Thursday,
though, right?
Well...
Is Leon okay?
Oh, yeah, Leon's fine.
[woman]
All right, ladies, you are done.
Everyone reach up and...
curtsey.
Here's your snack.
How was class?
It was good.
Great.
Oh, my God,
our deductible's going up.
That is bullshit.
Seriously?
Look, "Please see attachment
for further clarification."
What does that mean?
Oh, my God.
Jesus.
Okay, you know what,
we pay for everything,
we give her everything
she wants.
Is that a nipple?
That is a nipple, right?
Why is it so close
to her armpit?
I'm not sure.