I'm Sorry (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Butt Bumpers - full transcript

Mommy, can you please draw a
picture of a Christmas tree?
Christmas tree? It's, like,
ten months 'til Christmas.
I know. I just want
to see you draw it.
Okay.
There we go.
Uh, this is my Christmas tree,
do a little star at the top.
Now can you write, "You make
the best cookies. Love, Santa."
That seems like kind of a weird
thing to want me to write,
but, okay, what is it?
"You make the best
cookies, love..."
Santa.
"Santa."
There you go.
Now write it like
you're in a hurry.
Like I'm in a hurry?
Okay, uh,
"You make the best
cookies. Love, Santa,"
I gotta go!
All right.
It's not you.
Honey, why would you think
that mommy was Santa Claus?
Yeah, come on.
Opal's brother said Santa
was really just parents.
What?
You think I have nothing better
to do than stay up late and,
and fill stockings
and wrap presents?
What do I like to do more than
anything else in the world?
Sleep.
You do like to sleep.
I knew it wasn't you.
[whispering]
Hey, you know what?
[Bleep] you--
I am Santa.
It's me.
[singing whisper]
* I do you presents
* I fill your stockings
That felt good.
*
And what side would you like
with your sandwich?
What are my choices?
We have French fries,
salad, rice... [sniffling]
and for an extra dollar
you can have fruit.
Okay, I'll have salad.
Okay. What kind of dressing
would you like?
We have Ranch,
Thousand Island, balsamic.
You know what,
I'm just gonna have rice.
Rice sounds great.
Okay, I'll put that right in.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Yummy.
[whispering]
Is she okay?
I mean, she's, like,
fully about to cry, right?
Ooh. I feel terrible.
Yeah.
All right.
Where are we on Bumbling?
Are we Tindering?
Are we-- is it happening?
I hate it.
I just can't.
The whole internet dating thing.
Come on.
It's "What do you do?
"What do I do?
Are you a serial killer?
I'm not one."
I got, like, two kids.
I don't have time for it.
I just need to find a Mike,
is what I need to find.
No... [mumbling]
No, no, no, I mean, yeah,
eventually, sure,
that's the dream.
But right now, you need to
enjoy yourself, okay?
This isn't gonna
last forever.
Right now you need to be
knee-deep in dick.
What does that mean?
Well, when I first said it,
I was visualizing, like,
vertical dicks
as high as your knee.
Like a field of dicks?
A field of dicks,
but now I'm just going more of,
like, a horizontal one
flopped over the next,
like a penis lasagna.
Yummy.
Or parfait.
I'm so sorry, we are
all out of turkey burgers.
Can I get you
something else?
Oh, yeah,
that's totally fine.
Umm, uh, is there--
should I look at the menu?
Uh, yeah, I can--
Oh, no, God, uh,
that's, uh, I don't
even need a menu.
Whatever she has--
I'll have the same as
what she's ordering.
You know what-- okay.
Any, any sandwich.
Her sandwich is great.
Thank you.
Okay. Um, what side
would you like?
We have French fries,
salad, rice.
Rice, the rice, I'll definite--
rice sounds great.
Thank you.
Okay, something
is definitely going on.
Should we ask her
if she's okay?
What--
do you know her?
No, but she's upset.
She's looking for
some sort of human--
She does not want to
talk about it.
Okay, you know what,
let's get back to you...
[singing]
* Livin' the life
* That dreams were made of
Why are you so excited
about me dating?
Because you can.
And now I get to live
vicariously through you.
All right, want me
to be honest with you?
Yes.
Please, finally.
I have a very detailed fantasy
about being a divorcee.
And I know
I'm happily married
so it's probably
never gonna happen,
but I would kill it
out there.
I just feel like
it's who I was meant to be.
A divorcee.
Yes!
Who says "divorcee"?
Who? Me, I do.
It's just like a sultry moniker
from a bygone era, you know?
Like a divorcee--
she's not afraid to storm
into a bank and demand a loan
for her small business.
She walks in a room and women
grab their husbands and, like,
"Don't talk to her,
she's a divorcee."
Hmm.
And then they just wanna
talk to me more.
Even more.
Yeah, yeah,
'cause it's forbidden.
I gotta say, I feel like you
have a really inaccurate picture
of what it means to be
a divorcee, though.
No, I feel like I have
a pretty good understanding.
Here's your...
tuna sandwiches,
with rice, um, can I get you
anything else? [sniffles]
You know what,
I'm sorry, I don't mean to
pry, but are you okay?
We feel like there--
that maybe you're
having a rough time.
If there's anything
we can do.
Um, I'd really rather
not talk about it.
Can I get you some water?
No, I think we're good.
Thank you.
No, thank you, thanks.
That's a divorcee.
All right, dad,
where's the rest of my stuff?
What else do you
need me to take?
Oh, I think
that's good enough.
Seriously?
This one box?
You said my stuff
was taking over your garage.
You used the word
"overwhelmed".
Well, it was in the way.
As opposed to the three
birdcages for the bird
you've never purchased?
Those were always
supposed to be decorative.
Yeah, they really give
an air of whimsy to your garage.
As does those super necessary
collection of fedoras.
Don't touch those hats.
I wasn't planning on
touching those.
I'm saving them for
my New Year's Eve party--
the theme is Prohibition.
By the way, I went clubbing
with Bonnie last night.
I think you and Mike
would really like this place.
Bonnie's daughter
Stephanie dances there.
I'm gonna take
this in pieces.
You and Bonnie went
clubbing yesterday?
Yeah.
Dad...
I don't think you mean clubbing.
You went to a bar?
No, it was a club,
a dance club.
Like, for elderly people?
No, it's, it's a club
called Xscape, with an "X".
What? Oh, God, okay, was that,
and that was fun for you?
Yes. L.A. has some of
the best clubs of anywhere
in the country, I mean, that
and all the weed dispensaries.
Have you heard about edibles?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow!
You, you partaking?
Bonnie and I like to party.
Super cool, super cool.
Okay, okay, well, it sounds
like you guys are really, uh,
exploring a whole new world.
Okay, good for you.
Yep.
And you said Bonnie's daughter
dances at Xscape with an "X"?
Yes, she does.
I hesitate to ask this, but...
Does she wear a top?
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Okay! I didn't know!
She wears a little,
like a bra thing
and there's kind of like
a bootie shorts--
gorgeous thing.
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, please, dad, never,
ever say "bootie short"
or gesture in this way
in any capacity again.
You will meet Stephanie
at my birthday party.
Great. I look
forward to that.
And by the way,
speaking of your party,
you need to give me
the invite list.
I want to get the invites out
this weekend.
What do you have planned
for my birthday?
I don't know,
I'm exploring some options.
Hmm.
Dad, maybe you could slip into
one of these super cool leather
jackets for your birthday.
You seem to have a very
extensive collection.
If you want any of those,
please, help yourself.
Oh, there we go.
I cha-cha-cha,
da-lata-ta, ooh-da.
Is that a tell?
Come on.
You're a terrible bluffer.
Yeah, come on.
That's a terrible bluff!
Really? I think
it was the best bluff ever.
Ooh, guys,
it's official.
My friend Jennifer
is on Bumble
and open for biz!
Hey, I'm on Bumble.
What's your friend's
last name?
No offense, Gavin,
but you clearly
have herpes on your head.
I just-- I don't actually
feel comfortable--
It was a surfing accident.
You said you couldn't
even notice it.
Yeah, you can't.
It's hardly noticeable.
He's lying to you.
It's... very noticeable,
and honestly, hard to look at.
Also, I'm not gonna set you up
with a living, breathing saint,
so go [bleep] yourself.
Whoa.
It's okay, she's right.
I have been meaning to go
[bleep] myself.
See?
Wow.
By the way, he is delightful.
Why did you say
he was gonna be terrible?
I never said that.
I can't work with you anymore.
Um, let me ask you
a question.
How long was your friend
married for?
Nine years.
Which sucks for her,
because had she made it
to the ten year mark,
then she could've gotten alimony
until she remarries.
Now she's only getting it for
half the length of the marriage,
which, you know, 'cause it's
California, in other states
they're slightly different.
Um, you seem to know
an awful lot lot about divorce.
Honey, you know I have a fantasy
about being a divorcee.
Yeah. I don't love that
about you.
Uh, can we lose the leather now?
I mean, it's a little...
No!
...snug and smells like
Cool Water in there.
You look like a marionette.
A good marionette, not like
one of the creepy ones.
I would disagree.
I think you look like
a creepy marionette,
but I find that
very attractive.
I'll take it.
I love my jacket, and I can't
wait to wear it out to a club.
Great-- you know what, you
should go to Xscape with an "X".
That's the club
my 70-year-old father
and his allergist girlfriend
are frequenting these days.
That sounds amazing.
No, no, it's a new
development.
He's only newly amazing.
That's sounds awesome.
My dad is turning
into a recluse.
Oh, that sounds adorable.
But your dad seems
cool as hell.
You know what, you want my dad,
you can have him.
Then you can plan
his 70th birthday.
Well, you should do it
in a club.
I'm not encouraging
this behavior of my dad's.
No, come on, you should.
I mean, what do you care?
He'd probably love it.
Ugh, he probably would
love it, I don't know.
I'm like, I... I mean, I guess
I could lean into it and, what,
look into something like
a burlesque club or something?
Ooh, yes.
Yes!
So now I gotta watch
women take their clothes off
while celebrating
your dad's birth?
Come on, first of all,
you're making it sound like
a strip club.
This is more like
old-timey whores,
like in a saloon.
I like old timey whores.
Ooh-- I'm leaving you
for Gavin.
Great.
Why is he still needing help
to get to the bathroom?
Isn't he blind?
I know, I'm just saying
he's here all the time
and he's always asking people
to lead him to the bathroom.
I led him to the bathroom.
So what?
So isn't that one of
the perks of being blind,
like your other senses step up
and then it's easier for you
to learn the lay of the land?
Are you serious, a perk?
That's a perk of being blind?
Actually, it is a perk.
That term is not--
[phone vibrating]
Dealing with it, that is
one of the upsides, I would say.
What's wrong?
This guy just texted me
on Bumble.
Ooh, let me see,
let me see, let me see.
"Hi, Jennifer,
how's it going?
"I'm in town from Chicago
for a few days.
Would you want
to grab a drink?"
Yah, yah, you do want
to grab a drink.
No, I don't.
How do I respond?
He doesn't even live here, and
he's only here for a few days.
Exactly, that's what
we're looking for.
[singing]
* He wants to [bleep] you
* And you should let him
What is happening?
Just a powerful
musical diversion.
I'm like the Lin Manuel Miranda
of [bleep] songs.
Okay, listen, let's write back
something like,
"Do you need
a place to stay?
"I've got an extra room,
[mumbling] in my vagina."
Oh, my God.
No!
It's a joke.
I can't--
They like funny
on these sites, okay?
God, I would crush this!
Do you know how hard it is
to know that I have a gift
that I'm never gonna be able
to share with the world?
This didn't exist
when I was single.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, he is cute, though.
I could see myself with him.
You're married, though, so...
Yeah, happily, that's
my cross to bear, okay?
Just let me have
this one thing?
Sorry, go ahead.
Ooh, he likes trying
new foods.
You know what, Erin,
I'll try new foods with you...
all over your body!
I mean, nothing spicy
or dairy, although, ooh,
I'd throw back a couple
of Lactaids for this guy.
I find it really interesting
that in your fantasies you're
still lactose intolerant.
Well, I just like to be
responsible
even in my fantasies.
Who else do you got in here?
I don't know,
just a bunch of dudes.
What age did you put
in here?
Forty-five to 70.
Forty-five to 70?
I know, like, to a 70-year-old,
then I'm gonna be,
like, you know...
Yeah?
Ha-cha-cha.
You could be a cha-cha-cha to,
like, a 50-year-old.
This is what, this is what
you're looking for, Brad?
He's on the older end.
Yeah.
I'm just-- I'm looking for,
like, a long-term relationship.
He's not gonna be around that
long, so, not the route to go.
I understand what
you're saying, but, like,
what am I gonna do with,
like, a 25-year-old?
Have sex with him.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, I could
have sex with a 25-year-old.
Wait, I was joking.
Do you really think we could
have sex with a 25--
Let's do-- that's the plan.
What is "we"?
What is "we"?
I'm having sex through you.
Such a weird thing to say,
like, a really weird
thing to say.
No... but I love it so much.
I don't think--
I'm so glad that you're happy.
I feel like I'm not
ready to date yet.
I tried, I just, I can't,
I'm not ready.
Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.
Let's take men
out of the equation.
You still need to go out
and have some fun
like a single person would.
I'm not going to a club.
No, you're not my father.
But, can we just go, like,
to a fun, trendy bar?
Okay, fine.
We can go to a bar,
but I'm not washing my hair.
Hmm?
It's off my hair cycle.
I'm not washing my hair.
You need a cycle.
Oh, my God, look--
seriously? Again?
Did he just get side boob?
Oh, my God,
he just got side boobs.
I can't handle you right now.
You didn't see his hand?
[laughing]
No.
So I got the invite
to your dad's party.
Right?
[singing]
* We're goin' clubbing
* For my dad's 70th birthday
There's gonna be burlesque.
I got a specialty drink
named after him--
the Martinini.
It's not my best.
It's not your worst.
How dare you?
I do still think it's weird
that this is now dad's life,
that he's drinking,
doing drugs, going to clubs.
Well, you know,
he's recently divorced,
and that's one of the upsides,
you can do whatever you want.
That's what I say.
Mom, I'm gonna be
honest with you.
I have a little fantasy
about being a divorcee.
Me too!
You've been one twice!
Both times you jumped
right back into marriage.
I know, I never
did it right,
so I fantasize about
the next one.
"The next one"?
Don't you think you're
gonna be more of, like,
a widow that time,
less of a divorcee?
Yeah, but isn't that
the dream scenario?
I also have thought
that, right?
Right, I mean,
it ups the sympathy,
it cuts down on a lot
of the paperwork.
And there's, like, a clean
break, there's no guilt.
[phone dings]
Ooh, more RSVP's.
David's in, you're in,
thank you.
Uncle Richard's in.
We got a "no".
Dad RSVP'd no
to his own party.
Why do I let him near
technology?
When I'm a widow,
I'm only dating men
who are good at technology.
Yeah, well, that's gonna be
tough in your age group, mom.
You might want to just aim
for good breath.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Or no colostomy bag.
Hey, dad.
Hey.
All right, I'm taking
your computer away.
You RSVP'd no
to your party.
It was not a mistake.
What?
As you know,
I have been planning my New
Year's party for some time now,
and the theme and premise of
my party was going back in time
to a time of cocktails--
an era of more thought towards
dress and fun in a past era.
Ah, right, right,
one of those classic parties.
And while I appreciate your
efforts, I'm a little bit upset
that your premise and invite
steals some of the thunder
and excitement
from my event.
What? I, I am so confused
right now.
What, what exactly
is happening right now?
Well, my party theme was
the Roaring '20s.
You copied it!
First of all, dad,
you said that your theme
was Prohibition,
and also,
my party is not '20s.
You called it
"The Great Grandsby".
I was trying to give it a cutesy
name to disguise the fact
that it's a bunch of old people
heading out to a club.
There was a flapper
on the invite.
'Cause she was dancing,
and apparently
that's your new hobby.
Dad, I was trying to
throw you a party, okay?
Not insult you.
Well, between the two
things, honey--
All right,
you know what, dad?
Assuming that this
was a legitimate beef,
which, by the way,
is insane,
this is the way
you chose to go about it,
by just casually RSVP-ing no
to your own party and then,
and then just waiting
for me to notice?
Well, I knew it would
get your attention.
You know what, dad,
I put a lot of time and effort
into this party, and if
that's not something
that you're gonna
appreciate, I honestly,
I don't know what else
to say, okay?
I gotta go.
[phone beeps]
You've got to be
[bleep] kidding me.
[Mike]
So, what are you gonna do?
Oh, I cancelled the party.
I sent out the email already.
Whoa.
What was I supposed to do?
He's acting like a 17-year-old
girl at prom who's crying,
not because someone
has the same prom dress,
but someone's got one
with a similar sleeve.
The similarities of your dad
and a teenage girl are striking.
This is why you shouldn't do
nice things for people.
I don't want to get in trouble
for being nice, but...
Well, then don't.
You're looking good.
Why are you wasting this on
going out with Jennifer, huh?
Mmm, okay, you know
when you say stuff like that
you make it very hard for me to
fantasize about divorcing you.
Okay. There's been a lot
of divorce talk lately.
Should I be concerned?
No, sadly we're definitely
gonna die in each other's arms.
Cool?
I mean, obviously,
I don't want to divorce you,
I love you, blah-blah-blah.
But, you know, I mean,
you gotta admit,
if you were, like, free
from me for, like, three weeks,
you could date, just like,
do whatever you want...
I'm all onboard
with that, but...
Right?
Would you be able to get
all that you want done
in three weeks?
Yeah, good call, actually.
You know what,
let's jam it up to a year.
Wow, a year.
Yeah.
Listen, this isn't
just for me, you know.
Hmm.
You know that
if you're out there,
on the market, you're, like,
a hot commod.
Wow, thank you.
I mean, I do feel like
you'd probably, like,
just fall into something serious
with one person right away.
I'm gonna play the market,
gonna find,
like, 40 dudes.
Wow, that's excessive.
That's not even
one a week, Mike.
It still seems high to me.
I'm being conservative.
I could go up to 52
with a whole year.
I could go up to 104,
really.
I could get
two done in a week.
Now you're just showing off
your math skills.
Wish me luck.
I love you.
Good luck-- good luck?
Hey, that doesn't
start tonight.
It might be-- it depends
how tonight goes.
See, nothing crazy,
it's just a bar.
You've been in them
before, right?
How are there so many people
here on a weeknight?
They're single.
I mean, some of these
people are, like, our age.
They have to have
kids and stuff.
It's one of the perks of
being divorced, you can go out.
Again, I feel like we have
really different definitions
of the word "perk".
I don't think we do.
What can I get for you ladies?
Um, I will have a white wine.
Don't be an asshole.
Um, can we have two
Manhattans, please?
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
She's the boss.
Listen, it is a perk,
because now
you have a built-in
baby sitter, okay?
Who else loves your kids
as much as the spouse you hate?
[scoffs]
Okay.
And by the way...
Hmm?
He also is gonna
take them for, like,
a week or more
in the summer.
So you are just like,
what do I do with myself?
You can go to Europe,
you can go to England,
you can go to on one of those
horrible looking cruises
they're always pushing
in front of "Downton Abbey".
On the river?
On the river.
I don't want to do that.
Literally, and I've
thought about this,
the only way to have a great
vacation when you have kids
is to get divorced.
That's a dark perk,
but it is a perk nonetheless.
That's my specialty.
Yes.
[laughing]
Cheers.
[background conversations]
[laughing]
It's like riding a bike.
Yeah, and, like, she can only
do it for 20 minutes at a time.
And you end up with a sore
crotch at the end of the night.
It's your turn.
You raise chickens
in your yard?
I would love to have
fresh eggs.
I should get
some chickens.
Yeah, I see absolutely
no downside to that plan.
[laughing]
And I tried to grab her,
and I'm yelling, "Are you okay?"
And she vomited into my mouth.
Shut up!
I love this story so much.
All right, well, I just text
you then the next time
I'm in Griffith Park.
All right, the next time I'm
in Atwater Village
I'm gonna text you.
Amazing.
Ooh, I got a good photo
of you mid-dart throw.
I am so very drunk.
You are such a lightweight.
What did you have, like, one
drink and part of a beer?
Yeah, I think I just
don't go out very often,
so it just went
straight to my head.
Is it bad that I feel fine?
I'm glad we Uber-ed but...
Are you okay?
[whispering]
I really, I don't feel good.
[monitor beeping]
You're in a hospital.
You were roofied.
What?
I know, I, I, I was with you
the entire time,
you're completely fine.
As soon as we saw
that anything was wrong,
we went straight
to the Emergency Room.
Oh, my God, I was roofied?
Yes, apparently
you were roofied.
We, we, we got fluids
going through you,
we're getting it
out of the system.
This happened
at the bar?
I assume so, I, I,
I don't know.
I'm so sorry for
forcing you to go out.
You were right, it is
a shit show out there.
Listen, if you still want
companionship,
I will share Mike
with you in,
in, like a "Sister Love"
situation.
You mean "Sister Wives".
The wives, the wives,
the wives situation.
"Sister Love,"
that's a darker, darker thing.
How are you feeling?
I guess I'm just glad I'm okay.
I can't believe
that happened.
I thought only college students
and stupid people
who go to raves
get roofied.
On the bright side, I guess
it means you still got it.
[mumbling]
Don't...
Sorry.
I don't like that.
So sorry.
Yeah.
Way too soon.
You know what, I'm gonna go
grab you a juice.
Promise I won't
put anything in it.
Again, I joke when I'm
uncomfortable, you know that.
I'm sorry.
You were drugged.
[laughing]
That is not something
to laugh at.
That is a fact.
Hmm.
I will be right back.
Um, do you want this open or...
Go get the juice.
[sighing]
[mumbling]
Hi.
Hi.
Is she okay?
Yeah.
She's groggy
but she's gonna be fine.
[sighing]
It's so crazy.
I know.
I mean, I feel like this
is my fault.
She told me she didn't want to
go, and I forced her to go out.
It's not your fault.
You didn't know
that would happen.
I know, but what if
this is, like,
the thing
that makes her, like,
never go out again?
She was just
getting out there,
and then... she needed
to get [bleep] roofied?
She'll be all right,
she's strong.
There was one, though, good
thing that did happen tonight.
Mm-hmm? What?
She was chatting with
some of the night nurses
and now they're all planning
a little girls weekend
in Santa Barbara together.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
Plus, all the nurses are
in their 60's,
so she'll probably look the best
in her bathing suit, which,
obviously should not matter,
but let's be honest,
feels pretty good.
[chuckling]
Yeah, there's my wife.
All right.
I never want to get divorced.
It's nice to know all it took
was a drugging to get there.
Well, you know, that's how
I make most of my decisions.
I have to witness a drugging
and then I really kind of
come to my senses.
You know that, right?
Hmm, yes.
Oh, by the way, um,
I may have offered to share you
with Jennifer in, like,
some sort of "Big Love"
situation, so...
Are you kidding?
I've always had a fantasy
about being a polygamist.
Really? That's your fantasy?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
While you're married you
fantasize about more marriages.
You sick mother[bleep].
[chuckling]
Yours looks good.
Yeah, never go with that,
always go with this.
Always go--
[phone vibrating]
My dad.
Can you pick it up, please?
Someone's gotta end
the madness.
[phone vibrating]
All right, I'll be right back.
Hello.
You cancelled the whole party?
Oh, you mean the party that
you're not going to
for your own birthday?
Yeah, I cancelled it.
Now everyone's asking me
what happened.
Well, did you tell them
it's because you're upset
that my party invitation
slightly tread on
your roaring '20s thing that's
happening ten months from now?
By the way, dad,
mine was burlesque,
which is more '40s
and '50s, okay?
Burlesque was popularized
in the '20s.
Okay, you know what,
I'm sorry I'm not up to date
on my history of sex dancing.
You know, I feel like
this whole thing
is just really a big
misunderstanding.
It's a misunderstanding?
Personally I thought
your invite was insensitive,
but now I can see that
it was unintentional.
You just don't know anything.
Wow! That's the apology?
I mean about
the '20s, honey.
You know tons of
other stuff.
You didn't let me
finish there.
Oh, my God.
Dad, is this really what
this whole thing is about?
Just because my invite
touched on your decade?
Well, yeah.
Would it be helpful if I just
bumped mine to the next
decade, the '30s?
I'd love that.
Great-- wait, was there
burlesque in the '30s?
[condescending]
Well, if it started in the
'20s, doesn't it make sense--
Okay, perfect, then I don't have
to change anything else, right?
Nope. Now I'm excited
about the party.
So happy.
I love you.
I love you too, bye.
[phone beeps]
Everything okay?
Yeah, I mean, the party is
going to be literally exactly
the same, but instead
of the '20s it's gonna be
whatever the call the '30s.
The Depression.
Yeah, that feels right.