I'm Sorry (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Acts of Service - full transcript

We're basically done,
I mean we're just doing tweaks,

but I'm actually really happy
with how it's going.

Hey, is that Dr. Greenblatt?

Oh, yeah, yeah, that is.

Wow... wow, wow!

Oh, my God.

- I thought he was married.
- Yeah, for like, 20 years.

Well, he's either divorced
or having an affair,

which isn't that pretty
much everyone these days?

No, we're not.

- You don't know me.
- I know we're not divorced.



- Well, do you?
- Yeah, just keep looking left.

All right, all about the left,
all about the left.

Oh, I'm in a situation on the left,
I'm going to have to swing right.

Andrea, Mike, hey, hi.

Oh, my God! Dr. Greenblatt!

- Hey, I thought it was you two.
- I didn't recognize you

without you jamming
your fingers in my mouth.

Oh, sorry, I can do that
now if you'd like.

Hi!

We're patients of your...

This is my wife, Vicki.

I'm sure I've gushed about
her to you over the years.

It's nice to finally meet
Vicki the wife.

- Nice to meet you.
- Are you guys celebrating



like an anniversary or something?

No, no, we're just out for a quick bite.

- Tuesday.
- Oh.

- You want to sit?
- Oh, no, no.

- We'll let you get back to your dinner.
- You're finished. Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So nice to meet you,
and so nice to see you.

I recommend the creme brulee,

mostly because I want to
see you two more often.

Ah... ah-ha, okay.

- Keep flossing.
- Oh, we will keep flossing.

That is his wife.

Oh, fuck you.

[music]

I can't make up my mind if it
was weird they were making out,

or weird that it was in public.

Oh, it was weird that it was in public.

We've never been those people.

And we're, like, happily married

and we're still totes horns
for each other, right?

We are totes horns.

Even my therapist says,
by the way, very rare.

We have sex, like, three times
a week, that's a lot.

- We have sex two times a week.
- You don't know what I do.

I know exactly how many
times we've had sex.

It does bring up
an interesting point, though.

When was the last time we just,
like, we made out?

We made out three days ago.

That was for, like, five seconds
and led right into sex,

that's not making out.

What do you mean by "just make out"?

I'm talking about make out.

I'm talking about, like,
there's no goal in mind,

we take our time, and it's just
being in each other's mouths.

Oof, that makes me sick.

It's like our tongues are
resting on each other's tongues

and we settle into
just tongue on tongue.

Just, like, a real good make out.

This is ruining kissing for me forever.

I feel like you just need
to experience it anew.

Do you want to be make out people?

No, I'm not saying I want
to be make out people.

I just want to know if other
people are, like, going around,

behind closed doors,
doing stuff like this.

Stuff like being
affectionate and intimate?

Yeah, exactly, because
I'll get pitchforks

and I will run them out of their homes.

They can't act like that.

I will say, though, I feel
like old Dr. Greenblatt

was really just kind of, like,
showing off in front of us.

I don't know if I'd go back to him
after his behavior tonight.

It does kind of make him
seem kind of like a pervert.

Do you think so?

Huh, now I kinda want to go back to him.

Like "Sophie's Choice,"
I choose pervert.

That's clear.

Okay, so it's a first date,
they're having a good time,

I mean, Lori's suspicious,
but she's into him.

Christopher walks her to her
car, you think it's going to be

the big first kiss moment,
he leans in and he says,

"Can I get a blowjob?"

Yeah, I like it, I like it.

But we should have him ask
for a handjob.

Why would he ask for a handjob?

Because asking for
a handjob is just creepier.

Yeah, but it's so much easier to do.

A blowjob would be a bigger ask.

But that's the common ask.

A handjob, you can
give yourself a handjob,

so to be asking someone
to give it to you...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, you can't.

You can't give yourself a handjob?

No, you can jerk yourself off,

you can't give yourself a handjob.

A handjob is a job for another person.

- Why?
- It's the same reason

you can't tickle yourself.

Some people sit on their hand,

wait for it to go numb
and then jerk off.

You didn't say,
"some people sit on their hand,

take their hand out and
give themselves a handjob."

Okay, regardless, though,
if I was on a first date,

and a guy asks for a blowjob,
I'd be like, ugh, annoyed.

But if he asked for a handjob?

But if it's a first date,
a blowjob is so intimate.

Intimacy isn't what's funny,
it's that it's the stranger request.

Let's table this for now.

Oh, shit, I gotta go.

I got that kindergarten
admissions interview.

I can't believe you're going
from blowjobs to kindergarten.

Oh, no, I'm not, I'm going
from handjobs to kindergarten.

- It's weird you're a mother.
- I know, right?

Actually, she's very cute,
so I keep her.

She was doing this pirate girl
thing the other day.

- You want to see pics?
- Sure, I love pirates.

Okay, scroll through quickly.

Oh, that's great!

Right?

Very good... amazing.

God damn it!

I can't believe I fell for this again.

It's my favorite bit.

It's so crazy, it's like
she's biting down on, like,

a fleshy animal's tail.

But it's like she's getting
a real kick out of it.

Her eyes say...
she's kind of delighted by it.

What? Have you looked at her eyes?

Her eyes say, "I'm capable
of biting this dick off."

All right, I gotta go.
I will email you the changes,

obviously I'll change that handjob.

Blow... job.

You know what, you're right,
it is weird that I'm going

from blowjobs to a meeting
where I have to say,

"I appreciate how
your school fosters..."

... a sense of independence
and self-worth,

which is what we want her school to do.

Good, well, we are very
proud of our program here

and we really believe in what we do.

- You should.
- Thank you.

So, tell me a little bit
about yourselves

and what is it that you two do?

- Well...
- I'm a lawyer,

mostly entertainment law.

And I am a writer.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

What kind of stuff do you write?

Uh... it's a lot
of different... mediums,

- sort of that I could go...
- Such as?

... slightly in the comedy space.

There's some web, you know,
just different sort of like,

podcast-y things.

- Oh, like NPR?
- Yeah, like NPR.

The thing that I always
look back at is that

it's the teachers that I had

that instilled the confidence
in me in the first place

to become a writer.

I feel the same way about
my teachers, I mean,

that's probably how I ended up here.

I think that went well.

That went very well.

I really liked old Joan Joan.

Nice job dodging the
"what do you write?" question.

Oh, my God, what if she
asks me for that podcast?

She's going to be looking
for your podcast.

Oh, "Joansies loves Chachies"
is not gonna like that podcast.

- Nope, you nailed that one.
- Thank you.

But we're still not telling
her your last name, right?

Oh, God, no, we can't have
Joansies Googling me.

- No, no good will come of that.
- No.

Unless she thinks
I'm the other Andrea Warren

whose that head nun at the
Stanbrook Abby in Devonshire,

England, because she does
very, very important things.

So you're the one googling
yourself, let's be honest.

Hey, just be lucky you're not married

to the other Andrea Warren
who burned her house down

- with her entire family inside.
- She sounds nice.

- Okay.
- All right.

I gotta go pick up Amelia,
I'll see you later.

Wait.

You think this is one of those moments

where we're supposed to like make out?

- Make out?
- Yeah.

Why would we make out now?

I don't know, bro!

I'm just trying to be
open to new things.

Uh-huh, this is what you're open to?

Making out in the potential
school parking lot.

Listen, we're just all spinning
on the same big, blue marble.

- Cool, bro.
- So, bye, bro.

Get on the marble.

I haven't gone to the bathroom
alone in five years.

Aww, but then Max,
you're going to miss him

when he doesn't want to do that anymore.

Okay, I have a question for your
guys... it's less about pooping.

Sorry, Brian.

All right, I know we don't
know each other that well,

but I need a group of married
people for this poll.

Do you guys ever just, like, make out?

- Like with my husband?
- Yeah.

Mike and I were out the other
night, we saw this, like,

longtime couple just going
at it, and I was like,

is everyone else just
going around, making out?

Making out is what you do
when you can't have sex.

- Right?
- Right, yeah.

Well, I feel like Brendon
and I something just make out.

- Really?
- I mean, not out in public.

Sometimes it's nice to have affection

that doesn't have to end in sex.

You know what, that's
actually a good way to put it.

I agree with that,
and I feel like Mike and I do,

but I don't know.

Laura, Affection may be
your Love Language.

What are the words coming
out of your mouth right now?

Your Love Language... Oh, see,

Gail and I have been
reading this book...

Really?

... called "The Five Love
Languages," and it's all about

how people are springing
different expressions of love

in very different ways.

Do you have to do this with it?

It makes you want to do this
if you read that book.

It does, yeah, my husband and I read it.

It just kind of tweaks the way
you think about your relationship.

Can I borrow your copy?

No, no.

What do you mean, "No, no"?
Why can't I borrow your copy?

Just download it.

No, I'm not going to download it!

I like a book in my hand,
I'm not a monster, Brian.

If anyone knows monsters,
it's this monster.

- How dare you?
- Oh, he likes you, he is such a flirt.

Oh, he is going to be
such a heartbreaker,

you better watch out.

Oh, what about this smiling little girl?

She's going to be a little cock tease.

You watch out.

Wow.

Oh... no, I'm not...

obviously calling her an actual
blank-tease, I was...

You said he was a flirt, he's a baby.

I was doing the same thing.

I... I was just flipping it
for the girls' side, you know.

By the way, it's kind of
a poignant joke,

if you think about it,
talking about that

the way we talk
about different genders...

- Oh, my God, here are the kids! Yay!
- [kids screaming]

It just seems like everyone
at school is, you know,

joking around,
they're seemingly very cool,

and then suddenly I say something
that clearly crosses a line.

I forget that other people
have a much closer line

than the hilarious,
disgusting, broken people

that I consider to be some of
my closest friends.

Yeah, as a lawyer I got to
go to work and be serious

in front of my clients,
but then I get to come home

and relax and be funny.

You are the worst.

The point is, everyone
has to wear a two hats.

I know, but for me, it's like
two very different hats.

It's like, one is a hat
and one is a blouse.

Well, you gotta make a blouse

- look good on top of your head.
- Done.

'Cause you're going to have to
pull back a little at school

unless you want "cock tease"
to define your daughter.

Mike, that baby was the cock tease.

Amelia is more a prude.

Feel free to pull back at home too.

Obviously I don't want to
negatively affect her life,

and these people are her world,
farts, farts, farts.

I guess this is
one of those shitty times

where I have to suck it up
and pretend to be grown up.

I've kind of been
waiting for this moment.

- Oh, fuck your face, Mike.
- Really?

Yeah.

I don't think that's the one.

I think they recommended
"The Four Agreements"

and "Way of the Peaceful Warrior".

I already read "Peaceful Warrior".

Oh, what about "The Power of Now"?

If you guys are looking for
"The Four Agreements"...

Sorry, didn't mean to eavesdrop, but...

- No.
- ... I think that's your guy.

Thank you.

You guys really are working
through this section.

I'm impressed.

I'm just going through some stuff.

- He's working on himself.
- I like your honesty.

Is that like a pre-requisite
to even step into this area?

- How about you?
- Why are you in this section?

I guess we are being honest.

Nothing, really, I'm just
picking up this book,

a friend of mine recommended it.

- I read that book.
- Really?

Gary Chapman is the shit.

I feel like that should be on the cover.

- Acts of Service.
- I don't know what that means.

That's my Love Language,
how to accept love.

Okay, okay, he said
a little bit about, okay.

Dude, remember we thought yours
was "Word of Affirmation"?

Oh, yeah, "Acts of Service"
is my main, because of my mom,

she was never really super huggy-kissy.

Mine, the same thing.

My mom is not like an,
"I love you" person.

But mine, she was always there,
helping me out.

I'm might be the same thing,
Acts of Service,

that's what she does for me.

I'm very excited to read this now.

Thank you guys for the rec.

Physical touch is my love language.

Oh, okay, cool, cool.

I'm sorry.

Are you waiting for me to touch you?

Whatever you want.

Okay, sure.

There you go, how did that feel?

Thanks, man.

You know what?
I don't think I'm Physical Touch.

I'm going with vest, Acts of Service.

- All day, every day.
- All day, every day.

[phone ringing]

- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Grampy!

Hey, sunshine! I'm sending
you kisses... [kissing sound]

- Okay, it's just me now.
- Oh, okay.

So you know how I'm dating my allergist?

No, I didn't even know
you had allergies.

Yeah, she's that good.

Yeah, Bonnie's wonderful,
I've never been so happy.

Oh, that's fabulous.

How long have you been
seeing this Bon-bon?

About a month now,
and I'm excited about it.

- In fact, she's here now.
- Oh, good, good, good.

Honey, could I get another Merlot?

Merlot? Dad, it's nine a.m.

Where do we have to be, sweetheart?

- Apparently nowhere sober.
- So listen,

we spend a lot of time with her kids.

- You do?
- Yeah, and I was thinking that

I would like her
to get to meet you guys.

I would love to meet Bonnie.

How about you come over
for drinks next Saturday?

Okay, so like at nine a.m.?

Whenever you want to start.

All right, let me talk to Mike,
and we'll figure out

when a good time is for us to come.

Enjoy your morning Merlot, dad.

And it's casual, wear anything you want.

- I wasn't going to dress up.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Big news... Thank you, by the way...

My dad has allergies,
and also a new girlfriend.

Well, at least he moved off your mom.

Please, he's biding his time
until Leon dies.

But we're going to head over to my dad's

and meet Bonnie next
weekend for a drink.

Very cool.

Oh, what's happening?

You like that?

Yeah sure, I think.

Okay... wow.

According to this book
that I've been reading,

everybody takes in love in,
like, a different way,

and those are called their Love
Languages, and I think for you,

your Love Language is Physical Touch.

- Okay.
- With a little bit of

Words of Affirmation.

You are great.

That probably should creep me out,

but that was actually very nice.

- Right?
- Thank you.

And it actually makes a lot of sense.

What other languages are there?

Well, we got your Physical
Touch, Words of Affirmation,

you got Gift Giving, Acts of
Service, and Quality Time.

Doesn't everyone love
all those things, or... ?

If you think about it,

one of them will
particularly speak to you.

Like in my case,
it's all Acts of Service.

You could say nice things to me
all day, it wouldn't mean shit.

- Oh.
- But if you, like,

make a dinner reservation,

then I get a giant lady boner, bing.

Is it hard to make a dinner reservation?

No, but that's not the point.

It's like you did something for
me and so then I don't have to.

I think it's sweet that you're
thinking about our relationship.

I always think about our relationship.

I know you do,
but I know that this is...

I don't always think about
our relationship.

... I appreciate never, and...

Just to be clear, but I am
thinking about it now.

- Would you like me to read the book?
- Go for it.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

How about I make dinner tonight?

Mmm... bing.

- You got that was my clitoris, right?
- Yep, I read.

And putting together that desk
from Ikea was impossible.

Oh, yeah, it's the worst.

By the end, Jeff is on top,
I'm on the bottom,

and we still can't
shove the thing in the hole.

That's what she said.

Okay, I wasn't going
to say it, for the record.

By the way, Acts of Service with
a little touch of Gift Giving.

I read the book.

Oh, same but different...
A little touch of Gift Giving,

with a skosh of Acts of Service.

Oh, I see you.

Yeah, I'm looking at you as well.

Acts of Service, that was
my nickname in college.

Oh, no, that's what we call you now.

Oh, coming in strong! I like it!

Hey, what do you have in there?
It looks really heavy.

Oh, that's just heroin,
I sell it to the kids.

It's important to get them hooked young.

I mean, the good news is
their skin melts back so fast

you never see the track marks.

Oh, come on!

Everyone's on board
for the slutty nickname

and jamming things in Callie's hole?

This, this is the thing
that crosses the line?

I think you... I'm not
carrying heroin in my bag!

I got books in here,

used books that I am
donating to the school.

Okay, I get it, it was a funny joke.

Okay, thank you.

Plus, I mean, guys, this is
a pretty nice bag.

I'm not going to put heroin in here.

It's obviously made more for cocaine.

Oh, my God. Okay, you know what?

Let's talk about carpool.

I was actually married
to Martin's lawyer.

- Oh, well, well.
- And we were all friends,

but then I realized
he wasn't the one for me,

and I turned around
and there was Martin.

Oh, my God, Bonnie, I'm sorry,

that must have been very startling.

- Well...
- Like at your window,

plastered up against it.

One month in,

I still can't shake him,
that's what's startling.

Should we be alarmed, Bonnie?

Maybe we should establish a safe word.

I have met my match.

I'm going to get
another drink... anybody else?

I'm good... I'll help you
get more chips, though.

I'll have another Rose, sweetie.

Honey, you want me to get you anything?

Yeah, yeah, I'll have another
glass of wine, that'll be great.

- Okay, great.
- No, no, no, but I'll... I'll get it.

- No, I got it.
- No, uh, seriously.

- Seriously, I don't mind.
- I will get it. I will get it.

I don't want you to do it,
I want to get it.

- No.
- All right.

This guy.

It looks to me like she's gonna get it.

- She's gettin' it.
- Mm-hmm.

Dad, I love Bonnie, she is awesome.

Yep, she's a keeper, huh?

I have to say, it's refreshing
to be around new love.

Why? Are you and Mike having problems?

Dad, it's an expression.

Because I know how hard it is

to keep a lasting relationship alive.

Trust me, I've been through two of them.

You've been through
more than that, I think.

Actually, Mike and I are kind
of zhuzhin our relationship

a little bit these days,
keeping it fresh.

I think there are really
two fundamental truths

you have to keep in mind
for a happy relationship.

Number one, above all, it's
about honesty and communication.

And number two, I don't think one person

is ever going to fulfill
everything you need,

and I think it's wrong
to expect that of someone.

That's actually very smart,
that makes sense.

That's why you need
to have an open relationship.

What?

It's what Bonnie and I have.

Wow!

- Really?
- Yeah.

Cool, cool, cool.

I'm going to head outside
with all this stuff,

but thank you for all that advice, cool.

Again, cool, cool, cool.

Speaking of which, how's your mother?

Still with Leon.

- And he is... ?
- Very healthy.

Wait, wait, wait, an open relationship?

Yeah, yeah.

It was crazy, okay, he was
acting like he was making

complete sense and he understood
how hard a relationship

is to maintain, and then
suddenly I'm picturing my dad

in an "Eyes Wide Shut" situation.

Oh, I don't want to picture any of that.

Yeah, you know what I know?

We need to keep this marriage amazing,

because otherwise it's just
morning Merlot and orgies

in my future, okay?

Which is normally something
I would pretend sounds amazing

just to bother you, but I can't
even joke right now.

I understand.

I don't want to be
those people that are like,

"Oh, we've been together for so long,
we need to spice things up."

Are we? Are we those people?

- Maybe?
- Because I don't think a little

nice gesture and fickle touch
is gonna cut it, my friend.

I knew that that shoulder rub
wasn't random.

Were you really jumping out of your seat

to get that glass of wine?

No, see, everything I do
feels calculated.

That book got in my head.

Yeah, well, this is why
we don't rely on ourselves

to work on ourselves, okay, number one.

You know who I blame?

Fucking Brian, and fucking Gail.

- Who's Gail?
- Brian's wife, Gail.

- Oh, right.
- We've gone to dinner with them.

Yeah, fuck those guys.

You know what? This should
be our Love Language,

telling people to go fuck themselves.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, my God!

He's just, like, so casual about it.

Maybe we should go talk to Jim?

Yeah, a therapy session
probably wouldn't hurt.

You want me to make the appointment?

Fuck you and your nice gesture,
I will make the appointment.

So, I mean, it's just
everything's starting to feel

really contrived with the
Love Languages and then my dad

is saying we should have
sex with other people.

There's a lot of...

a lot of stuff being
thrown at us at once.

- We are very confused.
- Yes, very confused.

Andrea, your dad is a whole
separate therapy session.

- We should start saving up for that.
- Yeah.

Guys, you are not falling apart, okay?

You've been together for
ten years and you're in a rut.

This is what's amusing is I feel
like we are genuinely happy.

- Yeah.
- And then suddenly, all of a sudden,

- it's just stuff was feeling weird.
- Right.

You can be happy and still need to work

on your romantic relationship.

But we have sex twice a week.

Some of us have it three times a week.

Listen, it's not about quantity,

okay, it's about quality.

Do you feel like you
still try new things

and still surprise each other?

- Yeah, I don't know.
- Maybe.

- There might be room for improvement.
- Yeah.

- I guess so.
- Yeah.

What you're going through
is totally normal.

- That makes me feel better. Good.
- Yeah.

You guys are great together, right?

It's... It's been some years.

And so you might need to make

a little bit more of a conscious effort.

Why don't we talk about some tools?

I'm so sorry, I just
keep getting texted.

Someone's saying it's urgent, I'm sorry,

honey, I'll be right back.

No problem.

Hi, is everything all right?

What's happening? Are you okay?
What's going on?

You were right. Handjob is funnier.

That's why you were calling me?

Suck my dick, Kyle!

But it is funnier, I told you so.

I have to go, bye.

Sorry, sorry.

My friend Kyle was
in a small car accident.

He's shaken, but totally fine.

Okay, so where are we?

We're going to get some
tools to spicy our life up?

I think we start with this, right?

Too much shoulders, right?

We're actually almost
done with the outline.

I think we're going to be
ready to pitch next week.

Okay, good.

I'm very happy with how it's coming out.

It's like really like...

- Oh, my God. Jeez...
- [panting]

What is happening? What?

Mike, that doesn't go like that!

Stop, I have lotion on!

What... Stop, stop, stop!

Sorry... sorry. [panting]

What?

I'm going to need you to explain

what just happened here.

Well... [panting]

- Jim, our therapist... [panting]
- Uh-huh.

He said that maybe because
you're an alpha woman,

maybe you would enjoy being dominated.

What?

He said a lot of women
have rape fantasies.

Our therapist told you to rape me?

Yes, that's exactly
the word he used, yeah.

I stepped out of the room
for two seconds and he was like,

"Hey, Mike, rape Andrea later?"

I wanted to run it by you,

but apparently the element of
surprise is a crucial element.

I don't think you could have rape

without the element of surprise,

- I guess.
- Listen...

- I know you think this is funny.
- I...

Just give me a second, please.

We talked about spicing up
things in the bedroom.

- You said, "Hey, what can we do?"
- I did.

And you did the shimmy thing, so...

Are you saying that I asked for it?

No... no, no, no, no,
I would never say that.

I'm kidding.

I honestly... and this is
something that unfortunately

I feel like people don't
get to say very often...

I think it's very sweet
that you tried to rape me.

Wow, that sounds horrible.

No, I'm serious.

You, you put yourself out
there and did something

that's very contrary to
your nature just because

you thought I would like it,

and that's actually very touching.

Thank you for trying to rape me.
[kissing sound]

What?

- Stop saying that word.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

Thank you for trying to...

violate me... violently?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Do you need me to hold you?

- Come here.
- Please, please.

I mean, you came in hot.

I don't think I'm ready
to talk about this yet.

That's fair, I get that.

But remember when you
came in from the bathroom

and threw me on the bed
and then tried to rape me?

I was like, "What's happening?"
[laughing]

I'm going to take a shower.

Ooh, like a "Silkwood" shower?

Oh, my God.

You know what, don't worry about it.

I'll get in there with you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, maybe this worked out after all.

Well, you haven't seen the way
I'm going to give you a shower.

"We ask that all parents
please abstain from using

any objectionable language
while on school premises

just in case little ears are listening."

Do you think someone
complained about my jokes?

No, but the timing is conspicuous.

Okay, you know what, this is so stupid.

I'm not hiding, okay, I'm a mom
and I do comedy, okay?

Nothing I am doing is hurting Amelia.

Mommy, I just saw the funniest picture.

What was it, Bugs?

It was a weird lady
biting the tail of some animal.

Oh, my gosh, um...

That was a weird lady.

Okay, maybe I can pull back a little.

Sorry.