I'm Sorry (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Goddess Party - full transcript

It's just all so surreal
to me, you know?

- I know.
- I mean, how am I divorced?

You are literally the last person
who should be going through this.

Watching our boys go through
this is... oh, God, it's awful.

You know, I know I'm gonna feel better,

like, eventually I'll feel better.

- Of course.
- Right? It's just like...

I don't know, it's been,
like, eight months.

- Has it been eight months?
- It's been eight months.

- Holy shit.
- I just can't shake it off.

I get it, well, you know, anything
you need, I'm there for you.



I will, I will pick up the boys,
I will come make you dinner,

I will come to your house

and just rest your beautiful
head against my bosom.

And stroke it in a very
maternal, non-sexual way.

Unless, of course,
you wanted me to, you know,

make it more sexual, I'm open to that,

I don't think it's my thing, but...

Yeah, I don't think I'm there yet.

You know, I'm there
for you no matter what,

always, always, always.

Actually, there is one thing
you could do for me.

What, what, what, what?

I would really love it if you
could throw me a goddess party.

I would love to throw you...
a goddess party.



Uh-huh, yes.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

Oh, my gosh, thank you.

[music]

What is a goddess party, exactly?

Well, I'm not totally sure,
but from what I can tell,

it's when a group of women
get together to celebrate

and support a fellow lady in
need and, and I love Jennifer,

I support her, so if this is
the kind of thing

that she's looking for
right now in her life,

I'm going to do this for her.

You're doing your "I'm sincere"
impersonation.

I can be sincere!
Why is it an impersonation?

- Why is it an impersonation?
- Yeah!

It's you pretending to be
something you're not.

I am sincerely interested
in helping my friend.

It doesn't come to you naturally.

I'm not gonna argue with you about that.

Okay.

But when I googled "goddess
party" and women in white,

frilly dresses and flower crowns
and words like "rebirth"

and "inner light" flying at me,
I have a harder time with it.

There may be something, by the
way, called "womb dancing"

- that's gonna happen.
- What's womb dancing?

I assume we present our wombs
to some sort of goddess

and then we have to, like,
thrust our wombs at her,

- together as a group?
- God.

With the music playing.
I'm getting a drum.

Can't you just tell her you're
not the right person for this?

In all fairness, I am throwing
it with her sister, but no,

she's my oldest and best friend.

Plus, she is the best
person that I know.

She works for a non-profit,

she makes people's
lives better every day.

We are animals, by the way.

- I'm not.
- You're an animal.

You're like, you're like a raccoon,
you look super-cute.

- But inside, you're garbage.
- I can get with that.

I'm in charge of buying crystals,

so I don't know how this ends.

Godspeed, or, I guess, goddess speed.

Mm-mm.

[kids scream]

What is that woman?

Oh, yeah, I saw her
at the school pick-up line,

I think she's one of the kid's nannies.

- What?
- Yeah.

Have we learned nothing from
"The Sound of Music"?

What? What do you mean?

You know, "The Sound of Music".

It's basically the story of
a taken man banging a hot nanny.

It's the story of Jude Law
but with jaunty nun music.

Oh, my God, I never
thought of it that way.

- Right?
- Why would you put that in your house?

Right? I mean, I mean,
you're a snacker,

and I trust you, but I wouldn't
put potato chips in front of you.

Even if you weren't hungry,
eventually you're gonna snack.

I wouldn't hire young
Alan Alda to watch our kid

and expect you not to, um, snack.

- Alan Alda at any age, to be clear...
- Uh-huh.

And yeah, we don't, because
we know our Achilles' heels.

That's just... terrible judgment.

Should I be concerned that
my Achilles' heel

is potato chips and yours
is another man?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah?

You should be very, very worried.

They didn't have cake, so I got cookies.

- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, obviously, I'm not
one usually to judge,

but who's insane enough to hire
Gigi Hadid as their new nanny?

Oh, that's Katie, my new nanny.

- I'm, I'm sorry... what?
- What?

- Really?
- Do you think she's that pretty?

I don't think she's that pretty.

Yeah, she's very, very pretty, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

What is that face?

I need help with the baby
and she's great with Olive.

Not really worried about
how she is with Olive.

I completely trust Ryan.

I'm not saying you shouldn't,
but cha-cha, cha-cha, right?

I'd give her a cha-cha.

- A couple cha-cha's.
- For sure.

You guys are so dumb,
you're so stereotypical.

Yeah, stereotypes are
stereotypes for a reason,

Gavin Rossdale, Ethan Hawk.

- Ben Affleck.
- Oh, yeah, that's a big one.

Okay. Katie came very
highly recommended.

Was it by a penis?

Was it by a formerly
flaccid husband penis

that's now found a reason to live again?

No, by my neighbor.

Oh, by your neighbor's penis.

You should really get the list
of all of her penis references.

I'm sure it's a who's who...

Of penises, obviously.

Uh, yeah, I think I'll take the platter.

Does that serve 15,
because I'm throwing a goddess...

sorry... party this weekend,
it's surprisingly hard to say.

Yeah, no, of course, yeah,
I will pick it up Saturday.

Okay, thank you.

Mommy, my movie's over.

Yeah? "Sound of Music"
pretty good, right, Bubs?

Yeah.

Ugh, I always wanted to be
a Von Trapp when I was little.

My favorite was Brigitta.

She didn't really have a love of songs,

but I thought she embodied kind
of like a quiet strength.

Mommy, I have a question.

What is it, Bubs?

What are Nazis?

Oh, right, uh, that part of the movie.

Well, you know what, Nazis were
some very, very bad people

that lived a long time ago.

Why did they want to be bad?

Uh, well, I don't think all of
them necessarily started out

wanting to be bad, but they
were really following the orders

of somebody who was really, really bad.

- Why?
- That's actually a good question.

You know Harry Potter?

So, the Nazis were
kind of like the Malfoys,

but instead of following Voldemort,

they followed this
real bad guy named Hitler.

But you said Harry Potter was pretend.

Harry Potter is pretend.

- But the Nazis were real?
- Well, yeah, but you know...

- Alicia!
- My baby!

Hi, Alicia! Como esta?

Muy bien, how are you?

Good, good, good.
Listen, I'm just running out

to get my hair cut, but I'm
gonna be back in an hour.

No, no, no.
No, short hair no good on you.

Oh, my God, you are coming in hot today.

I like it, I like it.
It's just a small trim.

See? This too short, no good on you.

This hair? I like.

Okay, well, while your input on
my appearance is always welcome,

and also slightly upsetting,

I'm never getting it short
like that again.

- I mean, that looks horrible.
- Mm-hmm.

Listen, Bubs,
I will back in a little bit,

then we'll head over to Olive's, okay?

- Okay.
- Aren't you going to put on lipstick?

Oh, my God, I'm gonna go.

See, no lipstick...

Lipstick...

Oh, well, everyone's looking for...
so, great.

Ah, I'll be back.

Oh, hey, good morning.

- Hi, how are ya?
- Good.

Man, it is chilly out here today.

Yeah, it's that time of year.

And you're wearing shorts?
Aren't you freezing?

Oh, no, I don't mind it.

Well, have a good day. Stay warm.

- Yeah, you too.
- Bye.

Bye-bye.

I'm throwing a goddess party
this weekend.

What?

- What?
- No, you twisted the end.

It's impossible to say without
sounding insane, trust me.

- Let me try, let me try.
- All right.

I'm throwing a goddess party
this weekend.

Just dead-eye.

Yeah, and like a
Katherine Hepburn neck...

Palsy, a little palsy.

You just gotta throw it away,
you just gotta be like...

What? I'm throwing a goddess
party this weekend.

- Ooh.
- That's a normal thing people say.

Stop, just stop.
Why are you even doing this?

Because she's my oldest friend,
and I'm gonna do it

even though I'd rather be
punched in the throat

with the backside of a hammer.

I think it sounds kind of nice.

What are you saying right now?

I mean it.

The term "goddess party"
alone, they need...

- It's horrible.
- They need PR.

I mean, why do we need
to celebrate as a group?

It's a feminine spirit.
We're celebrating womanhood.

Everything that you just said
supports the reason

that I'm hating what's happening.

It's sounded like a feminine
hygiene commercial to me...

- Oh...
- when she just said that.

Celebrate womanhood... spray it down.

- Spray it down?
- Now with, now with wings!

I went to a Wiccan party once.

I had a vision and then me
and this girl made out.

By the way, you can just say
I went to a Wiccan party

and then we know how
the story is gonna end.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, Jocelyn, I'm gonna take off.
Do you need anything before I go?

No, I'm good, thanks.

- Bye, Katie.
- Bye, Katie.

Listen, hey, I've got that divorce
lawyer's number that you wanted.

What?

The one that you'll want in,
like, two months. Gwen Stefani.

- I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
- Thank you.

Everything's gonna be just fine...
Jennifer Garner.

- Katie is great.
- She seems great.

- And Ryan is not interested.
- Oh, well, I don't know about that.

You guys are so dumb.
She's not even straight.

- Oh...
- Oh.

So, now you brought a hot,
lesbian nanny into your home?

Well, that makes sense,
that makes sense,

'cause, you know, that's probably

only 65% of the porn made in America...

Hold on, I'm getting new numbers.
It's 73%.

- Ooh, they went up.
- 73%. The numbers just came in.

You know what, you guys, come on.

Okay, how did Ryan react
when he got that news?

He was fine with it.
He just mumbled, "Whatever,"

something like that.

Well, to be fair,
it is hard to form a sentence

while getting a huge erection
in your pants.

It's difficult for
a man to do two things at...

- once.
- Ooh, did it just go up, like that?

Yeah, I just erected.

- Ooh. That was nice. Big face for it.
- Mmm, thank you.

It wasn't a compliment.
It wasn't a compliment.

- I took it as one.
- Okay, fine.

Mommy, can I have some water?

You got your water
right over there, lovey.

I, I really have to go potty.

You just went potty.
There's nothing left in there.

Can I have a story?

What's happening here? What's going on?

- I'm scared.
- What are you scared of, lovey?

Nazis.

Oh, well...

Daddy and I would never let
a Nazi even come in this house,

because this is a Nazi-free zone.

There's nothing to be afraid of
with Nazis, and they were bad,

bad people, but it was
a long time ago, and...

You know, there were some things...

that weren't totally terrible,

like, they had some songs and,

and some people were
impressed with some of their

marching formations, so,

you know, everything's
not always totally bad.

So, maybe even if a Nazi was
here, he would be one of the...

the good Nazis who came by the house.

- Well, I finally got her down.
- What's going on with her?

The last few days she's been
scared of everything.

She's even been making me
go to the bathroom with her.

It might be my fault.

I... you know how much she
loves Harry Potter, right?

I told you, those books,
they're too scary for her.

Mike, I read her one book, she loved it,

she was not remotely scared
because I explained to her

that Harry Potter was pretend.

- Okay.
- But then, she started asking

all these questions about Nazis...

Nazis? Why did she know about Nazis?

We watched "The Sound of Music"
and the last third of the movie...

Right, I forgot there was Nazis in that.

So I said that the Nazis were
like the Malfoys

and the Death Eaters and that Hitler

was like Voldemort but real.

So I think we both see

where I may have went
off the rails here.

Jesus. Well, can't we just
tell her Nazis are pretend?

Yeah, I'm not sure that I'm ready

for our daughter to become a
Holocaust denier so young.

I think that's more like pre-teen.

- Right, good point.
- Yeah.

I talked to her, I told her
it was a long, long time ago,

I sang some "Edelweiss".

"Edelweiss"... the song they sing
while they're being hunted by Nazis.

Why do we show "The Sound
of Music" to our kids?

- Because the songs fool ya.
- Yeah, that should be a Nazi song,

"The song fools ya,

and we're gonna kill
the fuck out of you."

Yep.

- Oh, wow, look at that.
- May I help you?

Uh, hi, yes, I hope so.

I am...

throwing an event to

celebrate women...
or, one woman...

- That's beautiful.
- Yeah, um, I guess sometimes

it's a godd...
it's a party for a goddess,

one of those, you know.

- A goddess party.
- Yes!

Is it a pre-natal goddess party,
gratitude, divorce goddess?

Divorce! That's the one,
that's the party.

I mean, obviously not a festive party.

Although, you know what, I don't know,

I was told there might be dancing.

- Let me show you our healing crystals.
- Oh, thank you.

For a divorce, rose quartz is
really what you're looking for.

Great, well, I need 15 of them.
How much do they run?

These are eight dollars each.

Oh, wow. Um...

A lot of these say two dollars.

What are they in charge of healing?

The lapis lazuli is great
for the immune system.

This one here is fantastic for healing,

I actually gave that one to my mom
when she was in the hospital.

Oh, good, and that worked out for her?

The citrine is great for digestion.

That's always helpful for someone.

The moonstone is fantastic
for synchronizing cycles

and just general lunar rhythms.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, okay, great.

So it sounds like you're saying
all of these are very helpful.

Oh, absolutely.
Any of these in conjunction

with the rose quartz would be
invaluable to your friend.

Oh, sorry, I was thinking
instead of the rose quartz.

It's just eight dollars is
a lot of money for a stone...

They're crystals. We do have
stones, but these are crystals.

A couple of those
say stones, "moonstone".

But again, I was thinking
of leaning into

a less expensive form of healing.

Whatever you feel comfortable with.

You know what, I am gonna go
with the less expensive,

but still very helpful citrine.

Great, so you said you needed 15?

Mm-hmm. Oh, fuck you,
I'll get the rose quartz.

I mean, obviously not fuck you.

Fuck the universe, fuck you!

I'll wrap it up for you.

Great.

What happened to your hair dryer?

Oh, thank you for asking.
I'm going for a more natural look.

I'm heading to a celebration of women.

Mmm, I like it better when you try.

Well, thank you for your
fearless feedback, Alicia.

Always appreciate it.

- Oh, you know who is very pretty?
- No, who is very pretty?

Jocelyn's new nanny.
Oh, my God, I know, right?

I saw her at the pick-up.

Que Bonita, ay! Que Bonita!

I know, she is a hot-to-tots.

I thought you were pretty.

- I mean, not now.
- Oh.

You're nothing compared to that one.

You know, you could have
just said that she is pretty.

You don't even have to involve
me in that same sentence.

Jocelyn should
watch out for her husband.

I told her that.

Remember Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Mm-hmm.

Oh, you should watch out
for Mike and me.

Okay, Alicia, no, no, hands off!

I don't know. No promises.

- Alicia, stay away, you whore!
- I don't charge.

- Hi, Alicia.
- Hi, Mikey...

"Mikey"? No, no.
Look away, eyes up here.

- Stay over... no!
- What about some salsa, Mikey?

- Don't look at those hips, Mikey?
- Huh? Huh?

- These are the hips.
- Wild, Mikey, it is gonna be wild.

- No, stop looking at those hips!
- What's going on?

- Listen, I can do that. Right?
- I'm out of here.

I can do this! Mikey!

Ay! Ay, people don't want to see that.

People don't want to see this?

- Oh!
- Alicia...

Are you still there?

No, I'm gone.

I love you!

I see you wore jeans...
everyone wore jeans,

so now I'm the asshole in goddess white.

I'm telling you,
Google Image really let me down.

I think you look nice.

Thank you, but if you knew me,
you'd be like,

what is happening right now?

Why does her hair look like
this? Why is she in a shift?

- Andrea, I think we should start.
- Yes, definitely, let's do it!

Thank you guys again
so much for doing this.

- Of course.
- I'm so excited!

- I'll see you out there.
- All right, I'll see you out there.

I got the rose quartz,
I got the good ones.

I don't know, should I just grab
a bowl and throw 'em in there?

No, we just have everyone take one,

infuse it with their positive energy,

and then give it to Jennifer
so she can always have them.

That sounds great. Let's do that.

Okay...

So, I know it's a little corny,

but maybe let's all start
the night holding hands

and a group "ohm" to get in
the right head space.

Okay.

Let me know if I squeeze too hard,

I don't know how exciting
this is going to get.

And here we go.

Ohm...

Jennifer, your friends
are gathered here today

to show you love and support,

and everyone has
something to say to you.

Andrea?

Why don't you start?

Great, I'd love to start.

- Should I stand?
- Whatever you're comfortable with.

I think I'm gonna sit.

Oh, everyone stopped
holding hands. Sorry.

I'm not... coming on to you, obviously.

Um, so, I actually
wrote a private letter

that I want to give you later,

but for now, um...

[coughing] Sorry.

Um... But for now, um,
I love you and you, um...

rock. Whoo, there we go, rock.

And... so this is for you.

I'm just gonna throw it in the...
oh, shit, I forgot to infuse it.

So much love, and...

Thank you.

And you never know
why something happens,

so I can't wait for the day when
you realize you are stronger

because of this and not
in spite of this.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Jennifer, this book
gave me so much hope.

This is my copy and I don't
even know why I held onto it,

but now I know it was meant for you.

Oh... thank you.

Jennifer, you are one of the
most unbelievable women I know,

and I know that you'll get out of this

and you're going to be
stronger than ever before.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Lisa, you want to go next?

Sure. Jennifer...

There's a lot that I want to say to you.

I'm so sorry.

I don't mean to interrupt.
Can I just quickly go again?

Of course.

Sorry... I, I, I, I totally
get before, the first time,

what we were doing.

But I think this time I'm gonna stand.

Um, I just want to say, Jennifer,

that you are an
invaluable part of my life.

And any time I've gone
through anything hard...

you have been there for me
every step of the way,

and that's not something
that I take lightly.

I think we can all agree
that we need to get rid of

the "goddess party" name
because that's kind of a shit show...

I mean, keep the "goddess
party," lose the "ohm," anyway...

- I love you.
- I love you too.

I'm very happy I went with
the rose quartz.

It was lovely, I have to say
it was honestly lovelier

than anything I ever attended,
including our wedding.

So are you going to start
wearing flower crowns now?

I can't tell if you mean that
as a positive or a negative.

But it wasn't like that,
it was like super touchy feely,

it was like the perfect
amount of touching.

- I'm listening.
- Listening to what?

You think we were just going
around touching our vaginas?

Were you?

Well, I don't know, I might
have just tickled a couple.

But no, it wasn't,
it was, it was beautiful.

It was all of her friends
and they were supporting her

and saying lovely things,

and it was kind of like
it was a funeral,

but she didn't have to die
and hear and the good stuff.

- That is nice.
- I'm gonna be honest,

- now I kinda want a goddess party.
- I'll throw you a goddess party.

Of course you can say that
with a straight face.

Oh, shit, I forgot almost
to give you... this.

- What is this?
- It's a healing crystal.

I've infused it with an energy for you.

See if it makes you feel any different.

Mmm... It makes me want
to touch your boobs.

- Okay.
- What?

- Touch my boobs.
- Wait. Why?

- Just do it.
- I don't want to now.

- Don't you, though?
- No. I feel like I'm being tricked.

You're the one who came up with it,
how could I be tricking you?

- Okay.
- All right.

I knew it was trick.

You didn't, because
you still touched them.

- Why do you need to ruin all the fun?
- You don't think this is fun?

- Mm-mm.
- Yes, you do think it's fun.

Mommy?

Bubsy, what happened?
Why are you out of bed?

I'm scared.
I think Hitler's in my closet.

Aw, come here, I promise you,
Hitler is not in your closet.

- But you know what?
- What?

I actually got something for you
today that I wanted to give you,

so I'm kind of happy you're awake.

I know, um, how important
magic is to you,

so today I went to a real magic store

and I got you this special stone.

Ooh, you gotta be careful with it, okay?

'Cause it's really powerful, all right?

You hold it and it protects you
from anything bad.

It's kind of like the Sorcerer's Stone.

- Do you feel its power?
- Yeah.

Yeah, well, do you want me to
help tuck you back into bed?

- No, I think I am okay.
- Whoa, okay.

I love you, Smooch.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't notice you there,

witnessing me winning Mom of the Year.

Hmm. I was so focused, you know.

Oh you mean when you fixed a problem
that you caused in the first place

when you showed our five-year-old
Voldemort and Nazis?

Yeah, and then I navigated it perfectly.

Hey, in Harry Potter,
wasn't the Sorcerer's Stone used

to bring Voldemort back from
the dead, not to protect Harry?

Oh fuck you, J.K. Rowling.

Go back to the cafe.
Write a couple of new notes.

I'm just kidding,
I do love that goddamn book.

[music]

Oh, hey, is that your mom?

No, that's Dorothy, my new nanny.

- Gotta go.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

See, I knew I was right.
You cannot tempt a man like that.

Okay, you know what,
you want to know the truth?

- Yeah.
- Ryan was fine with her.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- But that hair, that skin...
- Oh, boy.

Her neck was so long and thin
like it was waiting to be kissed.

Wow! Maybe the Wiccan thing
wasn't a one-off.

- It has brought up a lot of questions.
- Yeah.

I had to get her out of the house.

Obviously, yeah...
That was your only move.

By the way, I was similarly
aroused by her.

- Yeah.
- I think...

I don't even think it's a lesbian thing,

I think it's just a human thing,

when you see something of
that kind of pure beauty,

there's just an arousal,
your mucus membranes act up.

- Okay.
- Your lower mucus membranes...

- Okay.
- Not here.

- Can I get out?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.