I'm Sorry (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Ass Cubes - full transcript

So, for the brunch on Sunday.

It's going to be you guys, a few
aunts and uncles, your dad,

- your brother...
- You invited Dad?

Yeah, I was chatting with him
on the phone the other day.

It just seemed weird not to include him.

Why would it be weird now?

You've been divorced for over 30 years.

- Well, he just broke up with Padma...
- Right, right, right.

So honestly I think
he's a little lonely.

What does your current husband
Leon think about all that?

Oh, Leon's not gonna care.



Leon might care.

- [screams]
- [gasps]

Jesus!

What the [bleep]?

What is happening?

Is that...

Is that guy stealing chicken?

I don't know... they seem
to have it handled.

- Really?
- Um, do you think for the brunch

- 11 or 11:30?
- Mom, do you not see what's happening?

Oh, it's not that big a deal.

Okay, you know what, there's
a man who just apparently

just stole a hot, oily
roast chicken, who was jumped on

from behind and then thrown
forcibly onto the concrete.



I think I'm allowed to comment on it.

Here we go.

"Here we go"?

Seriously?

♪

Excuse me, do you know
where the bathroom is?

Is that woman just ignoring
that poor blind guy?

People are garbage.

Excuse me.

She's a garbage person.

I don't know if you heard me,
I'm looking for the bathroom.

Hi, you know what?

- I can help you.
- Oh, great.

- Do you want me to grab your arm?
- Yes, thank you very much.

Of course, it's not a problem at all.

Well, well, well.

You must feel pretty
good about yourself.

Oh, you mean because I just helped
a blind man find a bathroom?

Yeah, I feel pretty good.

- Hey.
- Hi.

We'll just have two
lattes and you got, like,

a blueberry muffin?

Yeah. Great. Nine dollars...

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- Actually, this is for you, Amy.
- Thank you.

- Buy yourself something nice.
- You're welcome.

- Thanks.
- Thanks, Amy.

So that's what we're doing now?

We're taking my $11 basically
to pay her for flirting with you?

- It's like prostitution.
- Hey, if it ain't broke, right?

Oh, prostitution is not broke?

No, it's centuries old, millennia, even.

Just because something's old
does not mean it's not broken.

I don't know, do you have a way
of fixing prostitution? Pitch it to me.

You know what, at least you're
not looking to land a lady,

- so we're good.
- Yes, I am.

I'm not talking about
having sex with a lady,

I'm talking about, like,
you know, settle down with one.

People may bang aggressive toe exposure,

but they're not gonna marry it.

You know I want to meet someone
and fall in love and have kids...

all of that stuff.
I've told you that before.

I, I know that you say that,

but I feel like all of
your choices in life

- fight against that goal.
- Like what?

You sleep until noon almost every day.

You cut up hot dogs
and put them on your salad.

It's a protein.

How's that any different
than putting chicken

or salmon on your salad?

- It's so different!
- It's paleo!

Well, you recognize porn
strictly from the audio track.

Yeah, that's not rare,
plenty of people can do that.

These are just a couple of
examples of the things

that maybe were cute
and quirky in your 20's,

but now are more red flags.

I respectfully disagree.

People find it charming.

I don't think adult women
find you as charming

as you think they do.

And it pains me to say this, obviously.

I find you very charming.

Oh, well, thank you
for finding me charming.

Who are you looking at?

Oh, just to know who's here.

Look... I know you,
you're a great friend,

you're hilarious, you're cute.

But as a friend, I will tell you

that women have to get through
quite a lot to get to that.

But, worth it, right? Hi-ho!

Knock-knock, who's there, what?

♪

Basically I'm saying is you're living

"The Shawshank Redemption".

But the reality is most people
don't want to crawl through

a tunnel of shit to get to Mexico.

What does that even mean?

Listen, your heart is like Zihuantanejo,

but your personality and exterior

are like the shit tunnel a woman
has to go through to get there.

Wow, okay, that's like,
maybe the meanest thing

- you've ever said to me.
- Oh, that can't be true.

But going with this metaphor,
which is kind of crushing it,

jail, for this woman,
is just regular life.

She's got free will so it's
not nearly as bad for her

as it was for Andy Dufresne, so...

Why? Because she's not being
forced to do tax returns

and getting gang raped
by the sisters in the shower?

Exactly. She can leave at any time.

She can walk out
and just jump on a plane

and go to Cabo instead.

Cabo obviously being any other dude.

Yeah, but everybody
knows Cabo's [bleep] lame,

and Zihuantanejo,
pretty rad all the time.

I'm just not convinced that you're
really ready to settle down.

- Okay, but I'm telling you I am.
- Okay.

I want to meet someone.

Okay, good, but you're
not getting any younger,

your sperm's not getting any younger,

so we got to lock it down
before the "poo tunnel"

gets so long that
nobody can actually survive

the treacherous landscape.

Who's Morgan Freeman in this situation?

I'm Morgan Freeman, I'm leading
you to your happiness

and I just led
a blind man to the bathroom.

[sighing]

The part I can't wrap my head around is

was it an impulse steal
or could he legitimately

not afford to buy a chicken?

My instinct is it's an impulse steal.

Right? Me too, I mean,
he was wearing a leather jacket.

I won't even splurge
on a leather jacket.

Well, maybe we shouldn't be spending
so much money on chicken.

Maybe we should be
stealing it so we can afford

a sweet leather "J".

Hey, do we know any single ladies?

She says apropos of nothing.

- Sorry... any ladies for Kyle?
- Ladies of the night?

No, I mean, I had a very interesting
h-to-h with him today.

Heart-to-heart.

I think he's actually
ready to meet someone of note.

Really?

- Kyle.
- I get the skepticism.

I told him I love him,
but he's getting weird

and I worry about
his little crusty sperm.

I'll come back.

Wait, just... it's not his, it's
a friend's old, crusty sperm.

Does that make it better?

Now she can't put a face to the sperm.

Okay, do we know any single people?

What about Shelly?

- Who's Shelly?
- Miss Shelly, Amelia's teacher.

I never thought of her as a "Shelly".

I know it's a bold choice, but I thought

that I really think this could work.

She's super cute and she's really nice,
but not boring nice.

She's got a good sense of humor
and her body is tight!

Please don't ever do that again.

- Tight!
- Are you done?

[softly] Tight.

- She's, like an...
- Tight.

...angel from heaven above.
I hear you, I mean,

especially with Kyle's
crazy-long "shit tunnel".

We might need to get the check.

Listen, if he's really
ready to meet someone,

we should introduce him
to someone we really like.

Okay, we'll give it a try.

All right, I'll put the feelers out.

Wouldn't those be my feelers?

These would be your feelers,
because you like to touch balls.

- Just yours.
- Yeah, they appreciate the attention,

and also, maybe use
a little bit more thumb.

You know what,
the more I think about it...

- What?
- I think it was planned.

Eighty degrees out today...
why wear a leather jacket?

I have never been more attracted to you.

[indistinct conversations]

- Hey, honey.
- Dad! Hi!

- How are you?
- I'm good. You look so nice.

Oh, thank you.
Are you riding your motorcycle again?

- I've always ridden a motorcycle.
- No, you've always had a motorcycle.

But most of its life
it's been spending time

with the NordicTrack in your garage.

They're very close.

- No, it hasn't been that long.
- Oh, yeah, it has.

And I wanted to tell you,
I heard that you and Padma broke up.

I'm sure this has
absolutely nothing to do

with you deciding to get
on a motorcycle again,

but I wanted to say that I'm sorry.

- Padma.
- Mm-hmm.

Do you want to put your
helmet down, stay a while?

- I don't see anyplace to put it.
- Literally any flat surface.

I'll just hang onto it, I'd feel better.

Mm-hmm. Dad, you think you look
pretty cool holding that?

- Uh, I've been told.
- Okay, great.

Where's your mother?

Uh, she's in the kitchen
with Leon, I think.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Oh, hi, Martin.
- Hey.

- How are you?
- Good, and you?

He's riding the motorcycle again?

- Yeah.
- Sorry about that.

Well, the good news is
in a couple of months,

when he runs himself off the road,

we'll at least get
the vacation home we wanted.

You know, when parents die
they leave you money.

- Oh, right.
- I don't know if it's gonna be a home.

It might be like a vacation couch.

That would be nice, right?

We'll get the motorcycle.

- [Bleep] you.
- That'd be fun.

[general conversations]

If Tilda Swinton is in it, I'm there.

How's it feel to throw out a sentence

that's never been uttered
by another human being before?

You know what's an underrated movie?

- "Coneheads".
- "Coneheads".

Oh, yes, that's right.

You mentioned that before,
Uncle Richard, yet again.

But just listen... the reason
why Tilda is so great...

"Tilda"? First name base?

You never actually really
know if it's her in the movie or not.

So how do you even know
you're enjoying her?

I'm enjoying an actor
losing herself into a character.

- I mean, look...
- "Lose"?

"Grand Budapest Hotel," "Trainwreck"...

I mean, she completely unrecognizable.

Wait a minute... am I in love
with Tilda Swinton?

Is Tilda Swinton at this brunch?

David, am I Tilda Swinton? Be honest.

You can tell me, don't keep it
a secret any longer.

You're the only person
who I know is not Tilda Swinton.

- How dare you.
- She could be Amelia, she's so good.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Tilda Swinton maybe
came out of my vagines?

Um... is my dad touching
our mother right now?

Technically, when one
body part presses up

against another body part,
that is considered touching.

Is it that hard to just say yes or no?

Are they touching?

Yes.

Oh, sure, hey, you want to sit here?

Oh, no, no, I'm fine, Michael.

- How about right here?
- Oh, stop it, Martin.

Actually, Amelia, you can sit with me,

I'll sit next to Grampy.

Grammy can just sit over here.

Oh, thank you, that's nice.

Well, I was gonna switch...

Ooh, you know what, why don't
you go find your cousin, Bugsy?

I want you to try something
because it is absolutely amazing.

Dad, she made it, she knows
what it tastes like.

But this is a very special bite.

Okay. [laughs]

That was good.

Well, now, Mom, you're bragging.

Shar, we ran out of bagels.

Oh, come on. You ran out of bagels?

You ran out of bagels?

Uncle Richard had an extra half.

Leon, this is what happens when
you buy one bagel per person.

It should be more than enough.

I probably have some wheat bread
or something I can put out,

I don't know. This is ridiculous.
Why can't you just buy enough bagels?

Does Leon look sick to you?

- No, why?
- No reason.

Oh, hey, good news...

my dad apparently wants to make
love with my mom again, so...

- I thought your mom was married.
- Yeah, happily.

I think my dad is just
hoping Leon is close to death.

- Is Leon sick?
- Nope.

This is just my dad's new move.

He, like, harmlessly
flirts with a woman,

then he circles the wagons,
waits until there's a moment of need...

in this case, Leon's
untimely death... and then...

[whispers] there's Martin.

So smart, he's gonna get such puss.

- Yeah, my mom's puss?
- Yeah.

You know what, my parents
are doing weird shit too.

Like, my dad has started
racecar driving.

- Oh.
- But then he has macular degeneration.

That dude's dying ASAP.

Speaking of decrepit
old men who are close to death,

how did your date with Miss Shelly go?

I assume by your silence
it means you shit the bed.

No, the opposite.
It was great, we had a great time.

- Really?
- Yeah, I really like her.

Ah, well, well, well.

You know, I don't know why, I had a

feeling you guys were gonna hit it off.

I think I just, I just know people.

Really? Because people here
do not like what you're doing.

You didn't do anything to destroy
our daughter's future, did you?

That's a valid question, actually,
I'd like to hear the answer.

- No, we had a great night.
- Hey.

Yeah, we went out to dinner,
we had drinks.

She invited me back to her place.

She asked me to put ice cubes
up her butt and lick them out.

I drove home, I'm gonna
see her again next weekend.

Sorry... what?

- Hmm?
- Yeah, I'm gonna need you

to just walk me through the

"She asked me to put ice cubes
up her butt" part again.

Oh... I thought I just did.

How is it that we always end up talking

about buttholes at this poker game?

Because we have the best poker game.

I have to be honest.

I really like Miss Shelly.

- She's smart, she's funny.
- Right, yes!

She's cool.

I guess the only weird thing is
she ordered a six dollar bottle

of water to drink at dinner,
but was perfectly fine

with the ice cubes I drank
out of her ass being tap.

"Ass cubes".

- No.
- Yeah, ass cubes, it's a solid...

- It's definitely ass cubes.
- How can you make jokes about this?

This woman, we have to
trust her judgment

with our daughter every day.

How are you going to do drop-off
and watch Amelia walk into

the arms of this woman,
knowing what we know?

- Mike, come on.
- This guy ate ice out of her butt.

So just because someone
put ice up their butt

you don't trust their judgment?

We have to assume she's been
putting ice up her butt for years

and she's been a great teacher,
she's not going to change that now.

If you're young and hot
and you live in LA,

you're shoving ice up your butt or more.

Come on.

I genuinely don't
have a problem with it.

Neither do I.

I mean, if I'm really
going to be honest,

I think I'm a little jealous
of Miss Shelly.

- What?
- At 25 she knew to even ask

to put ice up her butt.

- When I was 25...
- No, she didn't ask, she ordered.

See? I mean, I'm a grown woman,
and I don't even know

if I like ice up my butt.
How sad is that?

Do you... want to try that?

I'd like to know the answer
to that as well.

I want to be the person
who says yes, but no,

I don't like a chill.

Mike, I can tell you're nervous,
but you don't need to be.

Like, I'm very into
this girl, but seriously.

This is the most I've ever
heard you say that before.

By the way, I found you your
dream girl, you're welcome.

You did! I thank you, I truly thank you.

This is... I'm, like,
excited to see her again.

Like, I want to talk to her
again, I want to...

Ooh... have kids with this person.

Wow.

Don't act like you don't want kids,

- you do want kids.
- I'm kidding.

No, no, no, I do...

this is the first person I can genuinely
see myself having kids with.

- Listen, we knew after one date, right?
- Yeah.

I mean, you could be
with Miss Shelly forever.

Can we please just call her Shelly?

[kids playing]

Doesn't Daddy usually
drop off on Wednesdays?

Yeah, he just wanted to give
Mommy an extra turn.

I'll meet you over there,
I'm going to drop this off.

Hey...

I don't mean to interrupt, but
I heard the date went very well.

Yeah, uh...

We need to have a really
serious conversation about

what you think of me as a person
that you would set me up with him.

- What?
- He was terrible!

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

He made is sound like you guys
had a really nice night.

[laughing] I'm kidding!

Oh, my God!

- Okay.
- I'm kidding.

It was great, it was so great.

- We had a wonderful time.
- Good!

He was such a gentleman.

Well, I don't want to
blow his inevitably

not-remotely-cool cover,

but he also said that
he had a very good time.

What did he say?

Oh, um, he didn't even...

you know, I'm not even
remembering as much.

Just that you guys had
gone to dinner and it was fun.

Did he tell you about
the Chinese restaurant?

- No.
- Oh, my gosh, it was amazing.

- It was super authentic.
- Of course it was authentic.

Kyle's such a dick about that stuff.

You know, he insists on
watching all foreign films

not in subtitles.

He does not speak any other language.

Well, he got me to eat duck intestine.

I want to be you when I grow up.

Well, no, that's nothing.
Kyle ate live octopus.

Well, that makes sense.
Kyle will put anything in his mouth.

- Hmm.
- Well, here's the toilet paper rolls

you had asked the class to bring in.

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Sorry we didn't have a ton at home.

Oh, that's fine, I have so many of them.

We go through them
like crazy at my house.

Mm-hmm.

Mom, you don't think
it's alarming that Dad

was aggressively flirting
with you at your brunch?

Oh, he wasn't flirting.

- Uh, yeah, he was.
- Yeah, he was.

- Flirting, really?
- Even Mike saw it.

With me?

Oh, ew, ew, ew, "with me?"
Giggle, giggle, giggle.

Oh, just a little bit.

You know I've known your father
for a very long time.

So have I... I don't flirt with him.

Well, he's one of my oldest
friends, and you know...

Your oldest friend who you
had to take to court

to get his home phone number?

- I don't remember that.
- Ugh.

Anyway, it's good to have options.

"Options"? What does that mean?

Well, Leon's not going
to be around forever, right?

Mom, is Leon ill? Because I feel
like this is coming up a lot.

No, no, he's fine.

Amelia, Grammy's got cookies.

Do you have hugs?

Mom, you sound like a pedophile.

[Sharon] Ready or not, here I come.

- And even more like a pedophile.
- [phone chimes]

Wow.

Ooh, mama!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, mama!

Looks like Kyle and
Miss Shelly had another

hootsie-tootsie date.

- No...
- Yeah, I think he's managed

to maybe spruce up his shit tunnel.

I think it's more
like he spruced up hers.

What?

How did I not think that?

That is... I should be
kicked out of comedy.

Oof, that's embarrassing.

If only it was just a joke.

All right, you're
going to have to get over

your anal discrimination
because we're going

on a double date
with them this Saturday.

There's no way.
Why would you even do that?

Because Kyle is one of my best friends

and he's finally found someone
and I want to support him.

I can't sit across
from her for a whole meal.

You can't sit across from
Miss Shelly just because

she throws a couple of
ice cubes up her butt?

So, Miss Shelly,
where are you from originally?

Oh, please, just call me Shelly.

I don't think I can.

We're basically from
the same part of New Jersey.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- I didn't know that, seriously?
- Yeah. Exit 9B, exit 13.

Yep, trash, trash.

Oh, I killed a guy at exit 13.

- Oh, boy.
- Just kidding, no, I didn't.

I mean, it was more of a bludgeoning
but eventually he died, so...

- How long have you been here for?
- Are you proud of that?

- Do you like that?
- I think...

You're gonna cover it with, "How
long have you been here for"?

'Cause that was rough.

Listen, it's a workshop.

Ooh, I just realized,
I'm getting a message.

- Your Lyft is here.
- Ooh.

You should just go outside
and get to any car

with a pink moustache
or any car that's a man

with a moustache who's driving.

- Okay, to answer your question.
- Thank you.

I've been here for four years.

I got here, I didn't really have a plan,

I did know jack shit and then...

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, you're parents,
I shouldn't have cursed

in front of parents.

Oh, please, I swear constantly.

Oh, yeah, no, Shelly is just
like you except, like,

a much, much, much younger
version of you.

So she also finds you repulsive.

But lucky for him I like repulsive.

Probably happened when my father
was bludgeoned off Exit 13.

- Uh-oh.
- That's a comeback.

- Mm-hmm.
- Appreciate it.

- You know what she did?
- And enjoyed it.

She just made a good joke out of
your bad joke from earlier.

- Foccach?
- Oh, thank you, sir.

Wow, look at you, so chivalrous.

You're like Hugh Jackman.

- Hugh Jackman?
- Yeah. I don't know,

I just think he's probably
very respectful of a woman.

- I can see that.
- Right?

But I think of anything, I'm
actually more like Wolverine.

I was born head to toe covered in hair.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, I have a picture.

Great. I'm going to the bathroom.

When I get back, I would love
to have those locked and loaded.

I'll come with you,
I'll show you in the bathroom.

Show me in the bathroom.

Okay, well, Mike and I
will just hang out here.

- All right.
- Please hurry back.

We're gonna kill this foccach.

- Don't call it "foccach".
- Foccach!

- Am I right?
- Yeah, you bet.

I'm doing this thing now
where whenever I pee, right,

I make myself stop peeing
right in the middle,

and then I go again,
stop, go again, stop.

Do you ever do that?

Nope.

I mean, but do you think
he got burned by the chicken?

Oh, yeah.

And I have to imagine
there was no way not to.

I mean, I do get the instinct, though.

Once I smuggled out a shrimp
cocktail in my bra.

It was really lumpy, everybody
thought I had breast cancer.

Ooh, I like that move!

You know what, when you're pregnant,

just think of all the stuff
you'll be able to steal.

You could do, like, a whole rack of lamb

and then stick potatoes
in a nursing bra.

I wish, but I'm never
going to be pregnant,

so I guess I'll just
have to keep stealing

the old fashioned way.

I'm not talking about now,
I mean later, when you want a baby.

Oh, no, I never want kids.

What?

I mean, I love kids, don't get me wrong.

I just have always known
I don't want any of my own.

What about, like, adoption or surrogacy?

I get them in eight hour
doses a day, that's enough.

Is there any way
to go around there?

Have you told Kyle yet?

God no... we just started dating,
I'm not going to bring up kids yet.

- That would be crazy.
- Mm-hmm.

Really?

I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I can't believe now I'm going
to have to break up with a girl

who's gorgeous and smart and funny

and likes things up her butt.

Ass cubes.

But are you...
for sure that you want kids?

Well, of course I do.

I know 100% I want kids,
I want to have a family.

There's only one real silver
lining in any of this, I guess,

and that's this is 100% your fault.

And as a result I can lord this over
you for the rest of our lives,

which is actually
kind of great for me.

Are you saying I gave you a gift
and you should be thanking me?

No, it's like you made me
a meal and then were like,

"Oh, it was poison."

Or like made you a meal
and then was like,

"That meal doesn't want babies."

Seriously, though, are you okay?

I'm bummed, for real,
I was ready to be done.

Come here.

What? No, what are you...
we're in the coffee shop.

- So? Just lean into it.
- Stop. What are you doing?

- Just let me... shh, shh.
- That's not... What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- Just be quiet, you're making a scene.

- Get off of me.
- Just shhh...

It's like a riptide, you gotta...

Just relax and let
nature take its course.

Let me give you my soothing love.

Ooh, wait a minute, okay,
I'm in, now I get it.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- No, let me... [laughing]
- No, I need soothing... What? No!

You know what?

In the beginning I didn't
want that hug, but at the end,

I really needed it.

- Don't be mad.
- Oh, God.

Okay, so your father
picked me up on his motorcycle.

- No, mm-mm.
- Wait...

- That's not the bad part.
- That's not the bad part?

We went to dinner and I assumed
it was just as friends,

but you were right,
he was flirting with me.

Oh, my God, mm-mm, mom, I'm
telling you this cannot happen.

You'll be very happy to know
it's not going to happen.

I realized that I am not
sexually attracted to him.

Okay, I have so many
issues with that statement,

but I'm going to take it because
it serves the greater good.

Okay, but I want you to
feel good about my decision.

There's... I... there's nothing good

that I'm feeling from this conversation.

Of course you never know what'll

happen, you know, I mean in the future.

It's good to have options.

Options for when Leon dies.

Oh, God forbid.

[Martin] Sharon!

[whispering]
Oh, he's coming, he's coming...

- I got to go, bye.
- Bye.

- Wow!
- What was that about?

Oh, just my mom no longer
finds my dad attractive,

but that can change if Leon dies, so,

basically we're one heartbeat away
from my worst nightmare coming true.

We have to really make sure
that Leon's kept healthy.

I'm already planning
on harvesting my bone marrow,

so I got that in the works.

Mommy, is Grammy and
Grampy getting married?

Not if there's a God.

Is there a God?

Look at you!

Back on campus, I'm proud of you.

I'm not getting the play by play.

I think I can get over her
sexual proclivities.

Oh, my God, I cannot believe
you're still being weird about this.

It's so not a big deal.

Okay, I'll give you a little bit.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, guys, you're here early today.

Yeah, we have a kindergarten
interview, sorry.

That's fine, they're
just finishing up their snack.

Okay, we can wait. Hi, boo.

- Who wants ice in their juice?
- Me.

All right.

Here you go...

And some ice over here.

No ice! Actually, no juice.

But Mommy, I want juice.

You know what, we're going
to have juice at home.

Actually, you remember the
dentist said we shouldn't have

too much juice, so maybe
we'll just get, we'll get, like,

a soda or something.

You know what?

I'll see you tomorrow.

Guys, enjoy your snacks... sorry again.

All right, have a good one.
Bye.

Who else wanted ice?
Okay.