Idiotsitter (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Mother's Day - full transcript
I can't believe I'm making out
with Leland Palmer...
from Twin Peaks.
You're like my least favorite
character in the show.
I was in Twin Peaks.
Yeah, I know, I already
said that.
Billie, oh, Billie.
Oh, Ray Wise from Twin Peaks.
I was also in Robocop.
No, no, no, don't list your
other credits, that ruins it.
I was in Twin Peaks!
I know! I know! I know!
Oh, hey, check out this thing
I can do really good.
Can you hop?
What?
Stop! Just stop!
Okay, stop!
Oh!
Was I sleep-molesting you again?
Yes.
Should I go?
Yes.
Okay... I'll go,
I'm just--
There's no way you're not gonna
tell anyone about this--
No.
Okay.
So, I'll just--
Am I still dreaming?
No!
I shoulda caught that.
That's probably why they
call it a dream catcher.
Leave!
Okay.
Eh-hem!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's cool. Who is Maxwell
Sheffield?
The dad from "The Nanny".
Yeah, I'm not him.
I could be Niles.
What?
What are you doing? Agh!
My cheek smells like cheese.
I ate cheese.
Hedra, don't touch me!
I have to get my own place.
No, no, no!
It's been so nice having you.
I mean, I get kinda lonely, so--
I'm here!
Can you not be?
I would love a hot tea,
if you're running out.
She'd love a hot tea. Hot tea!
And stop wearing my pajamas.
Don't slam the door, okay?
( DOOR SLAMS )
There it is.
Okay, Billie... all right.
Maybe you could just apologize
to Dana, you know?
It's not like anyone would
sleep-walk...
into his weird lotion-y bed
on purpose.
He said if I did it again,
he'd make a formal report...
and I'll lose my job.
Uh-huh.
I guess I've just never noticed,
because I usually sleep alone.
That's cool and not depressing.
I'm having a really hard time
with this.
I either need to stop
sleepwalking or get my own room.
I need money to get my own room
and I don't have money.
Billie! I know! You don't
have money! Okay?
And I have a lot of it,
and I could help you...
by giving you some.
We do this every day.
It's just getting boring.
Sorry.
Maybe you should just like crash
here for a little bit, you know?
I've already been here a week.
I can't just keep couch surfing
in student housing.
Well, maybe this is just me,
but like, surf's up, you know?
I don't surf.
I just mean, like, you're
welcome here, you know?
You're like my sister.
But like my weird sister
I can't change in front of.
[HEDRA]
This is an option!
Did you just stay here
listening at the door...
and not go get her hot tea?
Yeah... I mean, no!
Sisterhood of the Omega seeking
House Mother, room and board.
Some pay.
Sounds fake and terrible
and you shouldn't do it.
Is that what you were thinking?
[HEDRA] It's just you and me,
Gene, forever.
I mean, it doesn't hurt to check
it out?
Yeah, I'll come.
[HEDRA] Me, too!
How do we leave?
The window.
Hey, you want to hang in and
talk about all our secrets?
No, we're going to the
Den Mother--
No!
Oh. Yeah!
Nice save.
[BILLIE] This is gorgeous.
Really? I mean, it's so far
from campus...
and it's kind of disgusting
with the columns. Ew.
They're pretty.
Who's ever liked a column?
Oh-- hi! Oh, hi...
I'm Billie Brown and I saw
your flier...
about the House Mother,
I don't--
And I'm Gene Russell and you're
just gonna want me...
in your sorority, I'm good
at making up handshakes.
Oh, yes... come in!
Oh, thank you.
Great, do we have to take
our shoes off or--
More like so-bore-ity...
all right.
I'll just go to one
that wants me.
The coolest ones.
Sisters, someone saw the flier.
This is Billie Brown.
So nice to meet you, Billie.
Oh, thank you, nice to meet you.
I'm so honored to meet you,
Billie.
Oh, wow! Thank you, and
congratulations.
Congratulations to you.
Oh, thank you, I'm not pregnant.
Oh my gosh!
Look at her clogs.
Oh, yeah, they're kinda dorky,
huh?
We love them!
Monique blogs about them.
Oh, okay.
Are you thirsty?
I just steeped a
fresh pot of Quiet Moment--
Get out of here!
That's my favorite tea!
( GASPING )
Ours, too!
What?
You all said that at the
same time.
Hey, I'm Gene...
I'm here to pledge.
I heard you guys were sluts.
Hey, I'm Gene. I'm here
to pledge. I'm a real slut.
Hi, I'm Gene and I'd like to
pledge your sorority.
Sluts! I'm sorry.
Oh, my god, this is so
beautiful!
This is like, in my head,
the room that I would have.
It's obviously meant to be!
Why do you guys need
a House Mother?
I mean, I thought they nixed
those in the 60's.
We're not really a sorority.
We're a sisterhood.
So we don't adhere to the
Greek system mandates.
Wait, why is this called
the Grace Jones Room?
We love her.
What? Samesies!
I invoke her spirit of power
and individuality...
whenever I feel tamped down
by the man.
We do the exact same thing.
For the power of Grace Jones.
Holy smokes, okay, you know
what? Call me Mom!
Yeah... yeah, yeah!
Oh, oh, oh, we should start
getting ready...
for the Septeth Circle Ceremony!
For what?
Just a little traditional party
to welcome you into the fold.
Oh! Hah-hah-hah!
Hah-hah-hah!
I don't know why we're laughing.
Hah-hah-hah!
Dad... Dad!
Dad!
Gene-n-nie!
Oh!
My little queen-ie!
Hey, there you are.
For a second, I was like...
"Why is the statue of my dad
not coming to life? Am I crazy?"
I don't know. I'm sorry
about that.
No, I just figured you probably
paid extra...
so that I could have a statue
to talk to, you know?
Ah, no, I'm more of a
sub-conscience--
Never mind, why the frown,
my tiny clown?
Oh, we don't have to do
the rhyming thing.
Oh... okay.
It's kind of weird.
Naw, I just tried to go Greek,
but turns out, I'm a geek.
Oh--
Dang it!
What happened to my mouth?
Oh, no, no.
You're not a geek!
Billie's a geek.
Yes! Thank you.
Yeah! Right?
She's a total geek!
Yeah.
And like, they let her get in,
kinda.
And they didn't let me in. Me!
Mm.
I think there's plenty
of better houses...
that'd be dyin' to have ya'.
No, I tried.
I tried everywhere.
I tried every stupid house,
and no stupid house wanted me.
You know what? I think you'd
have better luck...
if you went over there...
there... there...
What's happening right
now, and where do I go?
Uh-oh, just go up to the stop
light and make a left--
Oh, I can't do lefts and rights.
Okay, well, it's the--
It's really hard for me.
The house across from the
In-N-Out.
Got it.
Y'all-righty!
( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING )
Hello?
( DOOR CREAKING )
Sorority? You left your door
open!
[BROTHERS]
Twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve.
Twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve,
twelve.
Holy shit.
I mean, twelves, elves,
shelves--
Drink.
Uh, no thanks.
I'm like the opposite
of parched, so--
Drink!
Okay, yeah, I'll have a sip.
But then I gotta head out...
because I'm about to teach my
buddy how to uh, swim.
[GENE]
That's totally the truth.
Is this pig's blood
or people's blood?
I mean, I'd be down to try
bat's blood.
Drink.
Drink.
Easy! On my own time.
Please don't turn me
into a vampire!
( EERIE MUSIC PLAYING )
Ugh, is that barbecue sauce?
Oh, fraptious day!
Calloo-callay!
Warmest of welcomes,
my fledgling fratello.
I don't speak Italian.
Every Wednesday at 5:00,
we have an open rush.
No one ever actually comes...
but by drinking from the
Goblet of Doom...
you have pledged!
It's actually BBQ sauce
and Hi-C.
Pretty raunchy, right?
And we have accepted!
Welcome to the fold of the
Phi Beta Gaming Society.
Oh, yeah, I'm in.
Ah! Yes!
Yes!
Hey, it's me, I'm actually
in your, um, dorm room.
I think I'm gonna take
that job as House Mother.
The girls are so cool
and smart.
They're always like
complimenting me and hugging me.
Ooh, speaking of Greek life...
Oh, you're here--
I accidentally joined
a fraternity...
and it's going pretty well.
Know what I mean?
Billie? Oh, I lost her.
Gene, I'm right here.
Jesus Christ! Oh, my god.
I thought I was gonna choke,
but I swallowed normally.
What are you wearing?
My Phi Beta Cloak of Communion.
What are you wearing?
My Wednesday outfit.
Mm... it's cool.
[BILLIE] Um, what kind
of sorority is this?
It's more of a gaming society.
What do you mean,
a gaming society?
I can't really talk about it.
I'm not at liberty.
Okay, I'll tell you.
I'm the only girl and there's
like various rituals...
and there's a lot of chanting,
like--
( CHANTING )
Sounds like Eyes Wide Shut.
I don't know what that means.
They're really into role playing
games and aliens.
Are you sure you didn't
accidentally join a cult?
No, I wish.
They're not weird in like
a murder-y way...
they're just like total dorks
and virgins.
It must suck to be that uncool.
One, two, three.
I mean, I would actually like
to help them, though.
You know, get them laid or like,
ooh, get them to a party.
That would be great.
Get them out of the house.
My girls... are actually
throwing me a welcome party.
Isn't that sweet?
You could bring them to that.
Oh, that would be so great.
Yeah.
Because it's probably gonna be
like boring as shit.
So, just, you know,
kind of ease them in.
Yeah.
Switch!
Ooh, I get to sweep!
Gosh, this is a good time!
Tell me about it.
Hah-hah!
So, Theresa, when are you due?
What do you mean?
Right.
Qu'est-ce que c'est ca?
Just a dress I have.
Thought it would be perfect
for you for the party.
Fabulous French comprehension
and taste. I thank you, Holly.
Yeah-hah...
I'll steam it!
Nanoor, you're a dream.
Oh, B-T by the W...
I invited a friend of mine...
and she invited some guys.
I thought, "The more,
the merrier!" So--
The Septeth ceremony is not a
gathering for fools and whores.
It is sacred.
Your hand's bleeding.
Oh... that hurts.
I-- I can uninvite her?
Sounds good.
Okay... so much glass.
Then sweep.
Okay.
Tiny broom.
Mm-hm.
Lesson one.
This is what most people
call "outside".
The temperature is alarming.
Come on, Henry.
Lesson two, these are girls.
My Lady Hawke is out there
somewhere.
Okay, I don't know what you're
talking about and I'm not wet.
It's the worst place to be
as a woman.
Okay, so, lesson three.
If you don't have anything
cool to say...
say nothing and wink.
That's your face's way
of saying...
"I have got a huge donk."
Ooh! This is a perfect girl to
try on, she is a nerd. Billie?
I heard everything you just
said. I was right there.
I'd like to introduce you
to some friends of mine.
Oh... hi.
He has huge junks.
Okay.
Come on, guys.
Hey, Billie.
Hi, girls!
Jesus, where did they come from?
Was that magic?
Billie, aren't you gonna be late
for your 10:00 o'clock class?
Oh, um, well, it's actually not
for ten minutes, but thank you.
We can walk you over right now.
We're on our way to... science.
That sounds made up.
Ssh.
What can we bring to the party
tomorrow night?
Condoms!
Shh!
No one talk, all right?
Although, we should bring
condoms.
I don't want to run
into that situation.
Um, so...
Tell them.
Okay.
Uh, turns out the party's...
cancelled.
The truth, Billie.
All right, the Septeth
Circle Ceremony...
is for sisters only, so--
Isn't the Septeth Circle
a ritual...
from the Teal Planets of Gnar?
Oh, I don't--
( HISSING )
Billie, you dropped something...
our friendship!
She can't hear me.
You guys are terrible
with women.
And why aren't we all wearing
our robes?
Okay, explain it to me one more
time, as if I was stupid.
But just to be very clear,
I'm super big-brained.
It's a science fiction fantasy
series by Grace Jones--
Oh... Strang-ay!
Billie and I like to invoke her
all the time.
Different Grace Jones.
Oh.
That takes place on the planet
of Gnar...
where the Omega Sisterhood
ritualistically sacrifices...
one virgin every year
to remain chaste.
I read it every summer
while my parents are in Cabo.
A bunch of prostitutes kind
of turned it into this...
"born-again virgin" religious
movement in the 70's.
It was real weird.
Whoa... pictures.
Where did it start?
It looks like they started
at the breasts...
because there's a lot
of attention to detail.
Not the picture, Gene.
Yeah, I know.
It started here.
Should we call the police?
Yeah, I mean, they're not gonna
actually sacrifice somebody.
I mean, if they are, it feels
like a college campus...
is a stupid place to look
for a virgin.
Huh-huh... yeah.
Right, yeah, no.
That's true.
Wait a minute...
Any bats in the belfry?
Uh... no.
( CLEARS THROAT )
Oh!
It's time.
Wear this.
Oh... that's pretty.
Um... could I have a moment
to change alone...
or maybe just a larger shirt
to change under?
Drink.
Okay... more Quiet Time?
Okay.
Okay... gulp, gulp, gul--
I'm just not very thirsty.
No, no, no, no--
Oh--
Thank you, that was helpful.
Got it all in there.
It's not gonna turn me
into a vampire, is it?
( EERIE MUSIC PLAYING )
Oh, who wore it best?
Am I right?
Not important.
I'm here on totally casual...
non-science fiction-related
business.
Is Billie here?
No.
I see her.
She's unavailable.
What did you beautiful
creatures do to her?
Wow. I thought you knew her.
I-- I do know her.
Billie sleepwalks.
I know.
She just looks like--
Like she's sleepwalking.
We're taking care of her.
She's fine.
Okay... Bil-- Billie?
Hey, weirdo, why the long
beard-o?
What?
Sorry, they don't always land,
honey.
Oh, that's okay.
So, what's up, young pup?
Well, I thought Billie
was in danger...
like the little girl
from Stranger... Things.
Dang it! Why am I such
a good wordsmith?
I don't know, but if she
is in danger...
you don't seem too worried
about it.
Nah, I think I just letting my
imagination get the best of me.
Oh, yeah, maybe it did, maybe--
Yeah.
But, you know, maybe the best
of you knows...
that she really needs you,
comprende?
Are you speaking Italian?
No, I'm not speaking It--
Look, all I'm saying,
that you should trust...
your instincts on this one,
go with your gut.
Your gu-- your gu--
I still don't know
what's happening.
For god's sake, ju-- go get her!
She's in a cult, okay?
Oh, okay.
Oh-- oh, God.
Not yet... but I will be.
We all will be... except
for you... you'll be dead.
Dead? No, wait!
Look, I don't know what's
going on here...
but you wouldn't kill me!
You like me, remember?
Rem-- clogs... clogs!
[BLEEP] your clogs!
Tonight, we as sisters
are born again.
As we shed the blood of a
virgin elder...
we restore our hymens and start
anew, pure and wholesome.
Hey! I'm not a virgin!
I'm not a virgin! I'm not--
Okay, all right, you know what?
I see where the confusion might
have come from...
but that is old news,
sister, okay?
I am a sex person now!
I do sex!
I do sex! I do so much sex!
Either way, this is really sad.
By the power of Grace Jones,
we are virgin once more!
She was very sexually
progressive!
She would hate this!
( MONASTIC CHANTING )
Om...
( CHANTING CONTINUES )
Ah-- what is that? No.
What is that? Oh... no, please.
You know what? I did it.
His name was Brett
and we did it in a T-shirt!
It's so specific and pathetic...
that I almost want
to believe her.
I am specific and pathetic!
Believe me!
Silence!
The serpent's lies can't
free her from the hand of God.
I hope you didn't like living.
Bye, Billie.
Or hi, Billie.
Gene!
What?
That was a rhyme...
and a badass intro.
Get back, cult [BLEEP]!
Stay away from my slut.
Thank you, Gene.
You're welcome.
You can have her.
Oh, that was easy...
like Billie.
See? See? You see?
Come and get her.
I-- I am.
Hi, nice to meet you.
[BLEEP], you fat dick!
Gene, she's pregnant! Don't--
No, I'm not, bitch!
Don't call her a bitch,
you fat bitch!
Hey, I think I'm gonna take off.
My chest is like kind
of cramping, so--
We don't leave without Billie!
Well, you can always go with
her... to Hades!
Ahh!
Cult and nerd gender fight!
( MONASTIC CHANTING )
Someone let me out of here!
Come on, I want to hit someone!
Hey, nerd, release me!
Get him right in the tooth!
Oh, god, that hurts! Let's stop.
Billie!
Oh, [BLEEP]!
Oh, god.
By the power of Grace Jones!
No.
Billie, you did it!
Got her with my clog!
Totally clogged someone!
Oh-ho-ho!
We're the sole survivors.
Wait, everyone died?
Yeah.
Ah, yeah, I'm just gonna go.
I-- I am pregnant, so--
I've been saying that
the whole time!
Well--
NEWSCASTER (V.O.) Eight female
members of a science fiction...
chastity cult were arrested
earlier tonight...
for the attempted murder
of a supposed virgin.
Hey, thanks for saving me
tonight.
Of course, I love you,
ya turkey.
Agh... your face.
Yeah, yours looks disgusting.
I look like I got in a cool
action movie fight.
You look like you grew up
in a cave.
But that's in a cool action
movie, as well?
No.
There could be a cool...
cave action movie...
I'd watch that.
Could you sports balm my back,
please?
Yeah, of course, I got your
boobs, sister.
No, my back.
No, I know.
Balm me up!
Gentle, gentle.
Don't pa-- don't hit.
Do you know what gentle means?
Yeah, not Jewish.
Give me the balm.
[BILLIE] Take a... train!
[GENE] Train!
Give me the balm.
Hey, you're the--
No, don't say it!
Don't say it!
I want to so bad.
Go to sleep right now!
[BILLIE] Or I'm leaving.
Don't say it.
You're the balm!
Billie, you're the balm.
with Leland Palmer...
from Twin Peaks.
You're like my least favorite
character in the show.
I was in Twin Peaks.
Yeah, I know, I already
said that.
Billie, oh, Billie.
Oh, Ray Wise from Twin Peaks.
I was also in Robocop.
No, no, no, don't list your
other credits, that ruins it.
I was in Twin Peaks!
I know! I know! I know!
Oh, hey, check out this thing
I can do really good.
Can you hop?
What?
Stop! Just stop!
Okay, stop!
Oh!
Was I sleep-molesting you again?
Yes.
Should I go?
Yes.
Okay... I'll go,
I'm just--
There's no way you're not gonna
tell anyone about this--
No.
Okay.
So, I'll just--
Am I still dreaming?
No!
I shoulda caught that.
That's probably why they
call it a dream catcher.
Leave!
Okay.
Eh-hem!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's cool. Who is Maxwell
Sheffield?
The dad from "The Nanny".
Yeah, I'm not him.
I could be Niles.
What?
What are you doing? Agh!
My cheek smells like cheese.
I ate cheese.
Hedra, don't touch me!
I have to get my own place.
No, no, no!
It's been so nice having you.
I mean, I get kinda lonely, so--
I'm here!
Can you not be?
I would love a hot tea,
if you're running out.
She'd love a hot tea. Hot tea!
And stop wearing my pajamas.
Don't slam the door, okay?
( DOOR SLAMS )
There it is.
Okay, Billie... all right.
Maybe you could just apologize
to Dana, you know?
It's not like anyone would
sleep-walk...
into his weird lotion-y bed
on purpose.
He said if I did it again,
he'd make a formal report...
and I'll lose my job.
Uh-huh.
I guess I've just never noticed,
because I usually sleep alone.
That's cool and not depressing.
I'm having a really hard time
with this.
I either need to stop
sleepwalking or get my own room.
I need money to get my own room
and I don't have money.
Billie! I know! You don't
have money! Okay?
And I have a lot of it,
and I could help you...
by giving you some.
We do this every day.
It's just getting boring.
Sorry.
Maybe you should just like crash
here for a little bit, you know?
I've already been here a week.
I can't just keep couch surfing
in student housing.
Well, maybe this is just me,
but like, surf's up, you know?
I don't surf.
I just mean, like, you're
welcome here, you know?
You're like my sister.
But like my weird sister
I can't change in front of.
[HEDRA]
This is an option!
Did you just stay here
listening at the door...
and not go get her hot tea?
Yeah... I mean, no!
Sisterhood of the Omega seeking
House Mother, room and board.
Some pay.
Sounds fake and terrible
and you shouldn't do it.
Is that what you were thinking?
[HEDRA] It's just you and me,
Gene, forever.
I mean, it doesn't hurt to check
it out?
Yeah, I'll come.
[HEDRA] Me, too!
How do we leave?
The window.
Hey, you want to hang in and
talk about all our secrets?
No, we're going to the
Den Mother--
No!
Oh. Yeah!
Nice save.
[BILLIE] This is gorgeous.
Really? I mean, it's so far
from campus...
and it's kind of disgusting
with the columns. Ew.
They're pretty.
Who's ever liked a column?
Oh-- hi! Oh, hi...
I'm Billie Brown and I saw
your flier...
about the House Mother,
I don't--
And I'm Gene Russell and you're
just gonna want me...
in your sorority, I'm good
at making up handshakes.
Oh, yes... come in!
Oh, thank you.
Great, do we have to take
our shoes off or--
More like so-bore-ity...
all right.
I'll just go to one
that wants me.
The coolest ones.
Sisters, someone saw the flier.
This is Billie Brown.
So nice to meet you, Billie.
Oh, thank you, nice to meet you.
I'm so honored to meet you,
Billie.
Oh, wow! Thank you, and
congratulations.
Congratulations to you.
Oh, thank you, I'm not pregnant.
Oh my gosh!
Look at her clogs.
Oh, yeah, they're kinda dorky,
huh?
We love them!
Monique blogs about them.
Oh, okay.
Are you thirsty?
I just steeped a
fresh pot of Quiet Moment--
Get out of here!
That's my favorite tea!
( GASPING )
Ours, too!
What?
You all said that at the
same time.
Hey, I'm Gene...
I'm here to pledge.
I heard you guys were sluts.
Hey, I'm Gene. I'm here
to pledge. I'm a real slut.
Hi, I'm Gene and I'd like to
pledge your sorority.
Sluts! I'm sorry.
Oh, my god, this is so
beautiful!
This is like, in my head,
the room that I would have.
It's obviously meant to be!
Why do you guys need
a House Mother?
I mean, I thought they nixed
those in the 60's.
We're not really a sorority.
We're a sisterhood.
So we don't adhere to the
Greek system mandates.
Wait, why is this called
the Grace Jones Room?
We love her.
What? Samesies!
I invoke her spirit of power
and individuality...
whenever I feel tamped down
by the man.
We do the exact same thing.
For the power of Grace Jones.
Holy smokes, okay, you know
what? Call me Mom!
Yeah... yeah, yeah!
Oh, oh, oh, we should start
getting ready...
for the Septeth Circle Ceremony!
For what?
Just a little traditional party
to welcome you into the fold.
Oh! Hah-hah-hah!
Hah-hah-hah!
I don't know why we're laughing.
Hah-hah-hah!
Dad... Dad!
Dad!
Gene-n-nie!
Oh!
My little queen-ie!
Hey, there you are.
For a second, I was like...
"Why is the statue of my dad
not coming to life? Am I crazy?"
I don't know. I'm sorry
about that.
No, I just figured you probably
paid extra...
so that I could have a statue
to talk to, you know?
Ah, no, I'm more of a
sub-conscience--
Never mind, why the frown,
my tiny clown?
Oh, we don't have to do
the rhyming thing.
Oh... okay.
It's kind of weird.
Naw, I just tried to go Greek,
but turns out, I'm a geek.
Oh--
Dang it!
What happened to my mouth?
Oh, no, no.
You're not a geek!
Billie's a geek.
Yes! Thank you.
Yeah! Right?
She's a total geek!
Yeah.
And like, they let her get in,
kinda.
And they didn't let me in. Me!
Mm.
I think there's plenty
of better houses...
that'd be dyin' to have ya'.
No, I tried.
I tried everywhere.
I tried every stupid house,
and no stupid house wanted me.
You know what? I think you'd
have better luck...
if you went over there...
there... there...
What's happening right
now, and where do I go?
Uh-oh, just go up to the stop
light and make a left--
Oh, I can't do lefts and rights.
Okay, well, it's the--
It's really hard for me.
The house across from the
In-N-Out.
Got it.
Y'all-righty!
( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING )
Hello?
( DOOR CREAKING )
Sorority? You left your door
open!
[BROTHERS]
Twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve.
Twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve,
twelve.
Holy shit.
I mean, twelves, elves,
shelves--
Drink.
Uh, no thanks.
I'm like the opposite
of parched, so--
Drink!
Okay, yeah, I'll have a sip.
But then I gotta head out...
because I'm about to teach my
buddy how to uh, swim.
[GENE]
That's totally the truth.
Is this pig's blood
or people's blood?
I mean, I'd be down to try
bat's blood.
Drink.
Drink.
Easy! On my own time.
Please don't turn me
into a vampire!
( EERIE MUSIC PLAYING )
Ugh, is that barbecue sauce?
Oh, fraptious day!
Calloo-callay!
Warmest of welcomes,
my fledgling fratello.
I don't speak Italian.
Every Wednesday at 5:00,
we have an open rush.
No one ever actually comes...
but by drinking from the
Goblet of Doom...
you have pledged!
It's actually BBQ sauce
and Hi-C.
Pretty raunchy, right?
And we have accepted!
Welcome to the fold of the
Phi Beta Gaming Society.
Oh, yeah, I'm in.
Ah! Yes!
Yes!
Hey, it's me, I'm actually
in your, um, dorm room.
I think I'm gonna take
that job as House Mother.
The girls are so cool
and smart.
They're always like
complimenting me and hugging me.
Ooh, speaking of Greek life...
Oh, you're here--
I accidentally joined
a fraternity...
and it's going pretty well.
Know what I mean?
Billie? Oh, I lost her.
Gene, I'm right here.
Jesus Christ! Oh, my god.
I thought I was gonna choke,
but I swallowed normally.
What are you wearing?
My Phi Beta Cloak of Communion.
What are you wearing?
My Wednesday outfit.
Mm... it's cool.
[BILLIE] Um, what kind
of sorority is this?
It's more of a gaming society.
What do you mean,
a gaming society?
I can't really talk about it.
I'm not at liberty.
Okay, I'll tell you.
I'm the only girl and there's
like various rituals...
and there's a lot of chanting,
like--
( CHANTING )
Sounds like Eyes Wide Shut.
I don't know what that means.
They're really into role playing
games and aliens.
Are you sure you didn't
accidentally join a cult?
No, I wish.
They're not weird in like
a murder-y way...
they're just like total dorks
and virgins.
It must suck to be that uncool.
One, two, three.
I mean, I would actually like
to help them, though.
You know, get them laid or like,
ooh, get them to a party.
That would be great.
Get them out of the house.
My girls... are actually
throwing me a welcome party.
Isn't that sweet?
You could bring them to that.
Oh, that would be so great.
Yeah.
Because it's probably gonna be
like boring as shit.
So, just, you know,
kind of ease them in.
Yeah.
Switch!
Ooh, I get to sweep!
Gosh, this is a good time!
Tell me about it.
Hah-hah!
So, Theresa, when are you due?
What do you mean?
Right.
Qu'est-ce que c'est ca?
Just a dress I have.
Thought it would be perfect
for you for the party.
Fabulous French comprehension
and taste. I thank you, Holly.
Yeah-hah...
I'll steam it!
Nanoor, you're a dream.
Oh, B-T by the W...
I invited a friend of mine...
and she invited some guys.
I thought, "The more,
the merrier!" So--
The Septeth ceremony is not a
gathering for fools and whores.
It is sacred.
Your hand's bleeding.
Oh... that hurts.
I-- I can uninvite her?
Sounds good.
Okay... so much glass.
Then sweep.
Okay.
Tiny broom.
Mm-hm.
Lesson one.
This is what most people
call "outside".
The temperature is alarming.
Come on, Henry.
Lesson two, these are girls.
My Lady Hawke is out there
somewhere.
Okay, I don't know what you're
talking about and I'm not wet.
It's the worst place to be
as a woman.
Okay, so, lesson three.
If you don't have anything
cool to say...
say nothing and wink.
That's your face's way
of saying...
"I have got a huge donk."
Ooh! This is a perfect girl to
try on, she is a nerd. Billie?
I heard everything you just
said. I was right there.
I'd like to introduce you
to some friends of mine.
Oh... hi.
He has huge junks.
Okay.
Come on, guys.
Hey, Billie.
Hi, girls!
Jesus, where did they come from?
Was that magic?
Billie, aren't you gonna be late
for your 10:00 o'clock class?
Oh, um, well, it's actually not
for ten minutes, but thank you.
We can walk you over right now.
We're on our way to... science.
That sounds made up.
Ssh.
What can we bring to the party
tomorrow night?
Condoms!
Shh!
No one talk, all right?
Although, we should bring
condoms.
I don't want to run
into that situation.
Um, so...
Tell them.
Okay.
Uh, turns out the party's...
cancelled.
The truth, Billie.
All right, the Septeth
Circle Ceremony...
is for sisters only, so--
Isn't the Septeth Circle
a ritual...
from the Teal Planets of Gnar?
Oh, I don't--
( HISSING )
Billie, you dropped something...
our friendship!
She can't hear me.
You guys are terrible
with women.
And why aren't we all wearing
our robes?
Okay, explain it to me one more
time, as if I was stupid.
But just to be very clear,
I'm super big-brained.
It's a science fiction fantasy
series by Grace Jones--
Oh... Strang-ay!
Billie and I like to invoke her
all the time.
Different Grace Jones.
Oh.
That takes place on the planet
of Gnar...
where the Omega Sisterhood
ritualistically sacrifices...
one virgin every year
to remain chaste.
I read it every summer
while my parents are in Cabo.
A bunch of prostitutes kind
of turned it into this...
"born-again virgin" religious
movement in the 70's.
It was real weird.
Whoa... pictures.
Where did it start?
It looks like they started
at the breasts...
because there's a lot
of attention to detail.
Not the picture, Gene.
Yeah, I know.
It started here.
Should we call the police?
Yeah, I mean, they're not gonna
actually sacrifice somebody.
I mean, if they are, it feels
like a college campus...
is a stupid place to look
for a virgin.
Huh-huh... yeah.
Right, yeah, no.
That's true.
Wait a minute...
Any bats in the belfry?
Uh... no.
( CLEARS THROAT )
Oh!
It's time.
Wear this.
Oh... that's pretty.
Um... could I have a moment
to change alone...
or maybe just a larger shirt
to change under?
Drink.
Okay... more Quiet Time?
Okay.
Okay... gulp, gulp, gul--
I'm just not very thirsty.
No, no, no, no--
Oh--
Thank you, that was helpful.
Got it all in there.
It's not gonna turn me
into a vampire, is it?
( EERIE MUSIC PLAYING )
Oh, who wore it best?
Am I right?
Not important.
I'm here on totally casual...
non-science fiction-related
business.
Is Billie here?
No.
I see her.
She's unavailable.
What did you beautiful
creatures do to her?
Wow. I thought you knew her.
I-- I do know her.
Billie sleepwalks.
I know.
She just looks like--
Like she's sleepwalking.
We're taking care of her.
She's fine.
Okay... Bil-- Billie?
Hey, weirdo, why the long
beard-o?
What?
Sorry, they don't always land,
honey.
Oh, that's okay.
So, what's up, young pup?
Well, I thought Billie
was in danger...
like the little girl
from Stranger... Things.
Dang it! Why am I such
a good wordsmith?
I don't know, but if she
is in danger...
you don't seem too worried
about it.
Nah, I think I just letting my
imagination get the best of me.
Oh, yeah, maybe it did, maybe--
Yeah.
But, you know, maybe the best
of you knows...
that she really needs you,
comprende?
Are you speaking Italian?
No, I'm not speaking It--
Look, all I'm saying,
that you should trust...
your instincts on this one,
go with your gut.
Your gu-- your gu--
I still don't know
what's happening.
For god's sake, ju-- go get her!
She's in a cult, okay?
Oh, okay.
Oh-- oh, God.
Not yet... but I will be.
We all will be... except
for you... you'll be dead.
Dead? No, wait!
Look, I don't know what's
going on here...
but you wouldn't kill me!
You like me, remember?
Rem-- clogs... clogs!
[BLEEP] your clogs!
Tonight, we as sisters
are born again.
As we shed the blood of a
virgin elder...
we restore our hymens and start
anew, pure and wholesome.
Hey! I'm not a virgin!
I'm not a virgin! I'm not--
Okay, all right, you know what?
I see where the confusion might
have come from...
but that is old news,
sister, okay?
I am a sex person now!
I do sex!
I do sex! I do so much sex!
Either way, this is really sad.
By the power of Grace Jones,
we are virgin once more!
She was very sexually
progressive!
She would hate this!
( MONASTIC CHANTING )
Om...
( CHANTING CONTINUES )
Ah-- what is that? No.
What is that? Oh... no, please.
You know what? I did it.
His name was Brett
and we did it in a T-shirt!
It's so specific and pathetic...
that I almost want
to believe her.
I am specific and pathetic!
Believe me!
Silence!
The serpent's lies can't
free her from the hand of God.
I hope you didn't like living.
Bye, Billie.
Or hi, Billie.
Gene!
What?
That was a rhyme...
and a badass intro.
Get back, cult [BLEEP]!
Stay away from my slut.
Thank you, Gene.
You're welcome.
You can have her.
Oh, that was easy...
like Billie.
See? See? You see?
Come and get her.
I-- I am.
Hi, nice to meet you.
[BLEEP], you fat dick!
Gene, she's pregnant! Don't--
No, I'm not, bitch!
Don't call her a bitch,
you fat bitch!
Hey, I think I'm gonna take off.
My chest is like kind
of cramping, so--
We don't leave without Billie!
Well, you can always go with
her... to Hades!
Ahh!
Cult and nerd gender fight!
( MONASTIC CHANTING )
Someone let me out of here!
Come on, I want to hit someone!
Hey, nerd, release me!
Get him right in the tooth!
Oh, god, that hurts! Let's stop.
Billie!
Oh, [BLEEP]!
Oh, god.
By the power of Grace Jones!
No.
Billie, you did it!
Got her with my clog!
Totally clogged someone!
Oh-ho-ho!
We're the sole survivors.
Wait, everyone died?
Yeah.
Ah, yeah, I'm just gonna go.
I-- I am pregnant, so--
I've been saying that
the whole time!
Well--
NEWSCASTER (V.O.) Eight female
members of a science fiction...
chastity cult were arrested
earlier tonight...
for the attempted murder
of a supposed virgin.
Hey, thanks for saving me
tonight.
Of course, I love you,
ya turkey.
Agh... your face.
Yeah, yours looks disgusting.
I look like I got in a cool
action movie fight.
You look like you grew up
in a cave.
But that's in a cool action
movie, as well?
No.
There could be a cool...
cave action movie...
I'd watch that.
Could you sports balm my back,
please?
Yeah, of course, I got your
boobs, sister.
No, my back.
No, I know.
Balm me up!
Gentle, gentle.
Don't pa-- don't hit.
Do you know what gentle means?
Yeah, not Jewish.
Give me the balm.
[BILLIE] Take a... train!
[GENE] Train!
Give me the balm.
Hey, you're the--
No, don't say it!
Don't say it!
I want to so bad.
Go to sleep right now!
[BILLIE] Or I'm leaving.
Don't say it.
You're the balm!
Billie, you're the balm.