Idiotsitter (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Fumigation - full transcript

Knights had seconds in command,
just as chefs have sous chefs...

Hi. Billie, can I speak
with you for a second?

Oh... peh-- we're...
just in the middle of class.

Yeah, I'd really love it
if you would do it.

Uh... okay.

I'll take over.

My favorite knight? Jordan.

Hey, uh...

Billie, this is
Coach McLaughlin.

And of course, you already
know Timothy.

Hi, I'm Timothy.
I know.



Billie, you have a student
in this class, Matthew Lee?

Yeah, you do, you do.

He just never really shows up.
Okay.

He's very busy, he's the captain
of the fencing team.

School's only Division One
sport.

Yeah.
So...

It's super important that
Matthew be allowed to compete.

And if he gets another F...

then he can't fence
in the Regionals, so...

Oh, no, yeah.

Are you trying to get me to pass
this guy?

Well, I, uh don't-- B-- Billie.
Oh, wow.

Billie, Bi--
Somebody's paranoid.

We're just asking that you
be invested...



in his future at this school.

Okay.
And also, here's a note.

We do want you to pass him.

It's on a note, so...
We didn't say it.

The note said it.
Yeah.

Okay, you know what? I will pass
him.

Oh, great.
Great, that was easy.

After he earns the grade,
okay?

I don't care if I have
to tutor him everyday...

I will get him to pass
this class.

Students are not a paycheck,
okay?

Actually--

Our students are the future.
Okay.

They are of the future.

And that's why Wahlburgers...

Ssh, ssh, ssh...
is the best show in the world.

Be quiet.

ANNOUNCER (OVER P.A.)
For the first match...

we have Aaron Dwyer
from Cumbridge.

What are we doing here again?

Well, I'm here to meet this
Matt guy, and I don't--

I don't know why you're here.

Oh, I'm just kinda gettin'
into sports, I guess.

ANNOUNCER (OVER P.A.)
Who will be facing...

EastWestern's Matthew Lee.

Oh, that's him.
Oh, fan favorite.

Very popular.
Yeah.

What are they wearing?
They look like voo-doo dolls.

Yeah, they look like they're
wearing hairnets...

but on their faces.
Yeah.

Ssh!
Oh, my gosh!

Uh, this is not a library,
it's a sports match.

So we can talk, we're having a
private conversation.

Yeah, and kill yourself.
Ooh!

REFEREE (OVER P.A.)
Pret? Allez!

Oh! Trying to stab each other.
Wow.

That's cool.
Yeah, sort of.

Sword of.

Oh, sword of!
I'm an American treasure.

Oh, my god, they're so bendy.
So regal.

Yeah, bendy.
Regal.

Bendy.
Regal.

They're so bendy.
Regal.

Yeah.
Do you smell popcorn?

I do.
I want popcorn.

Can we get a popcorn?
This is very exciting.

Go, Matt!
Get it, Matt! Get it!

He is very good.
Yeah. I'm at every game.

Oh, wait, I do have popcorn.
Look, it's in my butt pocket.

They're warm, have some.

Go EastWestern! Woo!
Woo!

Get a E-W!

This is totally my thing.
Oh, yeah, hell, yeah.

We need more of whatever
the game is called!

Fencing, this is fencing.
Fencing.

Fencing.
Fencing.

I painted a fence!
Fencing.

Fencing! Fencing.
Fencing. Fencing.

This is fencing.

I don't think so...
that sounds weird.

Ssh!
Who's-- ssh, back!

Ssh, back!
Back! Who's ssh-ing?

Who ssh?
Speak up!

Ssh back.
You dropped your eaves.

Eavesdropper.

It's kinda like fighting
in the future.

But like fighting in the past.

Yeah, like--
Yeah.

That was really good.
Thanks, it felt really natural.

Yeah.
Oh, my god.

Am I a good fencer?
Well, I don't-- okay.

Oh my god, there he is!
There--

I can smell the win.
Ssh, ssh, ssh.

Excuse me, Mr. Lee? Hi!

I'm-- I'm Matt. I mean,
I'm Billie.

And this is Matt.
No, I'm Gene, you're Matt.

Huge fan.

[FEMALE COED] Later, Mattress!
Later.

Oh, what part of England
are you from?

Hong Kong.

Ah, John Lennon, the Monkees...
Rebel Wilson.

I bet you know Hugh Jackman
personally.

so...ctually your teacher, um,

I think your coach spoke to
you about setting up tutoring?

Yeah, I think-- I do
remember that.

Great, because I want to say,
what I saw you do...

with your sword, I'm gonna do
with your mind.

I'm just gonna poke, poke, poke,
poke at your brains...

with-- with my fact... wand.

Wait, wait.

Wh-- what was that?

What?
Sorry, did you say Matt?

I didn't hear anyone.
Guys...

Me, either.
Guys, my team's calling me.

Thanks for coming, yeah?
Really good to meet you. Cheers!

Cheers!
Brexit like a boss.

You okay? What happened there?
Oh, I don't know.

I jus-- I--

You should just work on talking
to people.

Hah! On guard!
Hee-yah!

I'm good at sound effects.
Gotcha!

Agh, that kind of hurt.

Sorry.
It's okay.

Uh, sports are really cool.

I wonder why they never really
caught on.

Yeah, especially like the team
pride, you know?

It's like, we're all fencing.
Yeah.

Totally, it's bondage.

You know what? I'm gonna get him
to pass my class, Gene.

I won't let him, let him down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel you.
( HORN HONKS )

I'm totally listening,
but also...

why has no one ever told me that
I'm meant to be a fencer?

Like, I know what Morgan
Freeman feels like now...

starting acting at 70.

I'm like the Morgan Freeman
of fencing.

I mean, I guess you could try
out for the team.

What do you mean? I like,
am the team already.

Okay, just don't get your
hopes up...

before you've seen
what you can do.

I have seen what I can do.
Where?

In my brain!

That-- you can't just snap your
fingers and be an athlete!

( HORN HONKS )
You have to work at it.

Like Matt's gonna have to work
to pass his test.

( HORN HONKING )

Everything starts out
as an idea, okay?

( HONKING CONTINUES )
Baby names, buildings--

Land Before Time sequals.

but you're the kind of person...

that like will never turn it
into reality.

And you know why? Because you
don't believe in yourself.

I totally believe in myself. I'm
gonna be a [BLEEP]ing fencer.

You know? Go EastWestern!
What?

Agh! Ooh! Agh!

I'm in pain! Ow!
Oh, my gosh, I am sorry.

No! It's not your fault!

Billie! You hit my ankle,
you bitch! Agh!

Jousting was actually history's
first extreme sport...

when you think about it, right?

Speaking of sports, has anyone
seen Matthew Lee?

From fencing team? Supposed
to be in this class, no?

Never mind, he's not here,
and that's... fine.

I'm sorry, I've been in an
accident, excuse me.

[GENE] I'm so sorry.

What are you doing in a scooter,
Gene? There's a--

Great.

I'm gonna sit right around--
like right there.

Okay, start your lesson.
You bruised your ankle.

I got hurt worse than you did!

Where's Matt? Where is he?

Is he okay? Everything--
Matt, he didn't show up.

He hates direction.
He didn't show up.

What? Matt?

No. Matt!
Not here, Gene!

Of course, he's not. For him,
the dream is still alive.

Unlike for me, just a washed
up piece of crap...

with a suitcase full
of should'ves...

and what coulda happens,
and mighta beens.

How do think I feel, huh?

How am I gonna can't get him
to pass my class...

if I can't even get him
to show up?

Um, guys?
I gave my-- what?

Can we um, learn?
Yeah.

Uh, this just in, we were in an
accident.

You're a rude girl. I'll reflect
that in your grade.

This just in.
Do not sass me, Eduardo!

Oh, my god. Out of my way!

Where are you-- what are you
doin--

Billie, watch out!

Don't leave me here.
I just yelled at a student.

I have to tell truths, Billie!

Truths, plural?
All the truths!

No, don't help me. It makes
me feel pathetic.

You look pathetic.

You look pathetic, babe.
You look pathetic, babe.

Hey, toots, you look the most
pathetic!

[GENE] Shit!

Okay, I don't know what you're
doing, but just go for it!

Wait, I got it.

I got this! Hah-hah-hah!

Sayonara!
All right.

This is it... my new
second home.

God, it feels good to be here
for the first time.

Gene?

Richie, just the man
I was looking for.

The news station manager...

slash, the person who hit me
with a van.

Yeah, I want to apologize again
for that, by the way.

Oh, my gosh, no need, no need.
All right?

Take that apology and let's turn
it into an opportunity, okay?

Follow me down this path.

I've decided to do what all
great athletes do after their...

professional careers are over,
and become a sports journalist.

That's right. That's right.

Hi. I'm your new broad...
caster.

No, no.

This is Gene on the Scene coming
to you live...

from EastWestern University's
tournament of "Swords."

You're doing this right now?
So, y'all know what that means.

Gene? Gene?
Fencing fans.

The cameras aren't even
plugged in.

I know when they're on me.

That's right, it's a sword
fight!

A major poke-fest, starring
Matt "The Mattress" Lee...

as he scored a touchdown.
Gene. Gene?

Let's take it into overtime
with 15-love.

Gene?
Yeah.

I can't just give you the
position just because I hit you.

I mean, my insurance already
covered your hospital bills...

and this-- this Rascal...

which I really don't think
you need.

But you ruined my sports-- you
ruined my sports career.

Okay, uh, look, Gene?

If you want to work here,
you gotta bring me a story.

Oh... one time, there was a
prince--

No, no, no, I don't need you
to tell me a story right now.

Oh.

I need you to go out there
and get one.

I see what you mean.

I'm gonna bring you a story...

and it's gonna be the best story
you've ever read.

Even when you were a kid...

and you got great stories
by your parents.

It's gonna be better than that.
Peace out, no.

Are you okay?
No, the je--

Yeah, I'm fine.
The wheel is stuck.

It's fine. This one's good,
that one's good.

Yeah, we're good.

This thing is a piece of shit,
by the way.

I'm gonna need a better one...
and a make-up person.

And uh, a raise, because
I'm a woman, and I deserve it.

It's 2017.

No, I knew you were
looking at me.

Oh, please, whatever!

In my head, I'm going,
"He doesn't even know my name."

Oh really, Felicia?

My name is Rachel.

Hi, there!
Oh!

I'm looking for Matt
the athlete?

He's all yours.

Bye, Felicia.

Oh, bye, Felicia!

Sorry.

Pretty name, it means...
happiness.

So, um, I was just in study hall
waiting for you.

I waited for about an hour,
and then I was like...

"Billie, are you sure...
that you told him about this?"

So, I thought, "You know what?

"Why don't I just make it easier
and just come to you."

So, walla!

I'm sorry, who are you?

Oh, I'm your, uh-- I'm your
history teacher.

Yeah, and look, I know you're
the star athlete...

and you're used to all your
professors just passing you.

But, uh, this Mattress just
got delivered to Browntown.

Browntown is me, I'm Browntown.
What--

I jus-- I've never had a teacher
invest in my future this way.

Oh! Well, that's great.

Too bad it's not for something
more practical...

than medieval weaponry,
but whatever.

Yeah.
Let's give it a go.

Okay.
Agh...

That's cool, cool--
cool, cool attitude.

I brought you an extra book.

Wow. Look at your wrist.

Oh, yeah, I got ah...

No, no, no.
...hit by a van.

That should be bandaged.
Have you seen a doctor?

No! No need, I got my trusty
crutches here...

from my plantar's wart removal,
and I thought, "You know what?"

Wow! Your knees are destroyed!
Something told me to hang on--

Oh, eyes up here, Romeo.
I see what you're doing.

Hi, can you connect me to
the Health Center, please?

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, I've got a professor
here in pretty bad shape.

All right, okay.
Yes, I'll hold.

Someone really doesn't want
to study.

Uh, is that-- are you?
Just a little blood.

Okay. That looks a little--
That's fine.

You know what? It's more red
snot than blood.

Yeah? It's-- okay.
No, I just--

What's the altitude
in this room?

It's sea level, same.

I think it's just dry.
Okay, uh--

Do you smell a burnt avocado?
Burnt-- burnt avocado?

Mm.
Yes, please hurry.

Coach? Coach?
Coach McLaughlin! Hi!

Can I help you, miss?
Oh, Miss Brown.

I could barely recognize you.

I know, I had a little accident.

I was actually on crutches...

but Matt insisted I go to the
hospital, so I got this.

Um, is he in there, by the way?

Yes, but you cannot go
into the men's locker room.

Oh, right, the penises.

Um, well, I made him some
study sheets...

because I didn't get a chance
to tutor him.

Oh, great.

Oh, and this is just a little
thank you for the hospital.

Assortment of flavored nuts.

I got barbeque, jalapeno.
Ah...

Well, I'll pass them along.
Thank you.

Did someone say pass?
I did.

Roxie, play news stinger.
What's up, America?

I'm here outside the men's
locker room...

at EastWestern University, where
you just witnessed a coach...

accepting gifts from a disabled
person.

I'm not disabled.
Back to me.

Not only is she a disabled
person...

she's also a teacher here at
this very school.

Also, this very coach--
go to him.

Hey!
Has been putting pressure...

on her to pass his star athlete,
Matthew Lee.

Back to me.

Also, Billie's having sex
with Matthew Lee.

What? Ew.
What? No, no!

All right, good, good! I deny
all of these allegations!

All of them, denied!

Sick.

[GENE] Back to me, Hedra.
Gene, what are you doing?

It seems there's a seedier
side to college sports...

full of glad handing
and special favors.

Hm, this seems like there's one
Mattress...

that needs to be flipped.

And cut and perfect.

Oh, my god, you were totally
right.

You really are an American
Treasure.

I know.
Right?

Yeah.
Exactly.

No!
Gene!

Oh, Billie, I am so sorry.

You don't know anything
that's going on.

I'm gonna be a college
broadcaster now.

Sorta need a juicy story...

something with meat on the
bones.

And I'm the meat?

Well?
Okay, look!

I am not fodder for your sex
scandel, okay?

I was here to teach Matt,
so he could pass fairly.

And you cost him his study
sheets and his nuts!

Study sheets or cheat sheets,
Billie?

Study sh-- they were just
guiding--

Look, what happened to your team
pride, anyway?

What happened to my legs,
Billie?

Nothing. I got hit, you just
stubbed your toe.

What happened to my legs?

The exam's in an hour.
You have to take it, too.

Legs, Billie!

Did you hear me about the test?
What happened to my legs?

All right, guys, don't open 'em
up yet.

We're gonna just wait, see if
anyone shows up late.

Oh.

Hey, man, why's everybody
got these tricked out bicycles?

Just take a seat, Shane,
and mind your business.

Thank you.

Matt, hi!

I'm sorry, am I late?
No, only technically.

Come, have a seat.

Look, I just want to say that
I'm-- sorry.

Hey, I'm sorry that we never
got to study...

or I never got you those study
sheets.

It's fine.

But just so you know my--
I'm not gonna just pass you.

My moral compass doesn't
allow it.

Don't worry, I got this.
Thanks, Matt.

Preferential treatment abounds.

All right, guys.

Get out your pens and your
battle axes and uh...

take your test.

I don't have a battle ax.
Just use your pen.

Oh.

( SNORING )

Fencing!

Better get going and grade
these papers...

before the big game, teach.

Did you get a faster Rascal?

Yes, it's like I always
say, live fast, die slow.

That's a terrible plan.

Okay, please be good,
please be good, please be good.

Oh, god.

Mm--

Eh--

Yeah, okay.

It seems like there's one
Mattress...

that needs to be flipped.

We added the explosion
in after, for effect.

I wanted to do it live, but I'd
have a major case of hot face.

Gene, look, this piece is
totally slanted...

it lacks in-depth reporting,
it has no sources...

and it makes outrageous claims.

It's what we in the news world
like to call... perfect.

Oh, my gosh.

Thought you were gonna go a
different way with that. Wow!

Thank you! I felt really
good about it.

Like a regular Barb Walters.

So you wanna just give me
my press badge...

and I'll head off
to the big match?

Yeah, unfortunately I can't
do that.

What's up?

Your GPA... it's too low.
Your exam grades were posted.

What? She failed me...
and passed Matt!

Oh, that bitch!

Oh, that bitch!

Hi, Gene, I can't talk
right now.

Oh, are you in a hurry, on the
way to the big match?

Yeah, actually, I am.

Oh, that bitch!

What?

You posted our grades online,
Billie!

I saw that you passed Matt,
even though he failed.

How did you know--

Because I let him copy off of me
and he passed and I failed!

And now I can't be the
Bob Costas of the school...

because my GPA is so low.

And it's all your fault,
you stupid bitch!

Roxie, play death metal.

Gene, wait! Stop circling me,
Gene, I am going to tell them!

Will you shut off your
dance club music? Thank you.

Look, I know what I did was
wrong.

I'm going right now to tell
the truth! Will you--

Roxie, play death metal!
I'm going to tell the truth!

Will you turn that off!

Gene, would you turn that off,
please!

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
What?

I said I'm going right now...

Yeah?
...to stop it.

I'm going to tell the coach...
Roxie, death metal!

...and the dean that he failed.

Will you stop being such a baby!

Oh, I'm a baby?

You had no problem failing
this baby, did you, Billie?

That's because I expect more
from you, Gene!

Plus, you let him cheat!

Me cheats?
Yeah, you cheats.

You cheat, sweets.
Yeah, you cheat, sweets.

You cheat!
Eat sweet-- take cheats!

You cheat!
You cheat! Sweep streets!

Hey, give me that.
Give me that, Hand!

This is the only thing I
learned...

No!
...in your stupid class, Billie!

The joust!
No! No! Stop!

This isn't fair, your Rascal's
way faster than mine!

Oh, yeah, you're right,
I'll handicap myself.

No, you have a metal flag pole!
This is crazy!

Hey, you! Gimme this!

Hey, that's my hand, man.

Relax, Shane, I'll give it back.

Do you guys not have anything
more battle-worthy than a--

Never mind.
How do you know my name?

You're in my class, you idiot!
You have very sweaty hands.

Live fast, die slow, bitch!

That doesn't make any sense,
bitch!

I need my flag.

Agh!
Agh!

Agh!
Agh!

Agh!
Agh!

Agh!
Agh!

These things are really
[BLEEP]ing slow!

Very frustrating.
Yeah.

Stop!

Hedra, we're in the
middle of a scooter joust.

Well, haven't you guys heard
the news?

Matthew Lee can't compete.
He fell on his sword.

Figuratively or literally?

No, he dropped his equipment and
when he went to pick it up...

he got hit by a van.

It's an epidemic.

Really, I mean, are these
walking streets?

Are they driving streets?

This school needs better
signage. Hello!

Hey! I want my hand and
The Hand wants its flag.

Not until the joust is done!

Agh!
( ENGINE WHIRS DOWN )

Agh!

Your battery-- your battery's
dead.

The joust is done.

My lady.

I'm very much a man.

Which answers the age old
question: Which came first?

The vomitorium, of course.

Matt, do you have a question?

Nope, again, it's just the cast.

Right, okay.

So this would change the way...
And last but not least...

Lisa Kudrow.
...battles were fought.

What are you doing?

Now it's the cast of Friends.

Now who can tell me the
difference...

between a moat and a sluice?

Oh.
Matt, you wanna...

take a stab at this?

Yeah, I think Gunther can get
this one!

Dude, his hand's up,
'cause he's in a cast.

Oh, my god.

Shane, don't talk out of turn,
please.

Raise your hand like Matt.

S'good, Billie... that bitch.

[BILLIE] Take a... train!
[GENE] Train!

I mean, which way is rev--

Which way is rev-- hold on!

This is an accident waiting
to happen.

No.