Idiotsitter (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Hos Before Bros - full transcript

No, you're doing it from here.

It's up here, okay?
It's like, "I'm Jay Baruchel.

"Uh, I don't know
how to fly a plane,

but I can train your dragon."

Oh, big news.

I'm assuming both of you ladies
know who Trick Malloy is.

Sounds like a bisexual
pool player.

Or an Irish magician.

He is a quarterback and the MVP

for the Conquistadors.

Football team I'm part owner of?



Anyway, his contract is almost up,

and he's considering retiring.

Was Trick short for Patrick?

I love
last-half-of-the-name nicknames,

like Topher, Xander...

- Or Acob.
- Ladies, ladies,

I've invited him here
for the weekend

to clear his head.

I convinced him
not to leave the team.

Now, he has
a press conference on Monday.

Ladies, I need you both

on your best behavior, all right?

And be careful of this one.
He's a bit of a charmer.

[as Jay Baruchel]
I'll try, but celebrities, uh,



make me nervous.

[as Jay Baruchel]
I'm an adorable...

I'm an adorable Canadian.

- That's good.
- [laughs]

What's happening right now?

Dueling Jay Baruchel impressions.

You both sound like sick goats.

Both: Perfect.

♪ We're too gangsta for TV

♪ That's why you don't see us ♪

♪ But they still wanna be us ♪

Ha ha!

[hip-hop music]

Damn it, this is not yare.

Is that like a tiny ship
for ants or what?

[doorbell rings]
- I got it!

I'll go pose by the fire's place.

Uh-huh.

You look so good, Mr. Russell.

- Yeah.
- [coughing]

All right, that's enough.

Go take your germs
away somewhere else.

Trick, you're soaked.

Ladies, I'd like to
introduce you to

Trick Malloy.

[sexy hip-hop music]

♪ I'm so fresh, kid

♪ I'm so fresh, fresh

♪ 'Cause I'm fresh, kid

♪ I'm so fresh, fresh

♪ Yeah, I'm fresh, kid

♪ I'm so fresh, fresh
'cause I'm fresh, kid ♪

- Ho...
- Ly...

Ship!

Holy [bleep]!

Trick, my man.

[chuckles]
How was the flight?

It was good.

I gave up my first-class seat
-o a veteran,

met some pretty solid
people back in coach,

and, yeah, you know what they
say about plane friends.

"Plane friends stay friends."

- I feel the same way.
- Yeah?

I absolutely feel the same way.

That's awesome.

Trick, this is my wife, Tanzy.

"Enchanti."

And, uh, over here
is my daughter, Gene.

Hey.

And this is her Billie.

Oh, not in a lesbian way.
Although,

I'm not afraid to do that.
How's it going?

Sorry about my wet hand skin.

No, I like it wet.

[awkward chuckle]

Cool.

Ship in a bottle.

That's exactly how I feel
sometimes, you know?

It's just like, all sealed up

behind glass and on display.

It's like the whole world's
got stones,

and they're just throwing them.

You know what I'm saying?

[shatters]

Land ho!

Shipwreck. [nervous laugh]

Sorry.

She's got diarrhea.

Trick, let me, uh,

let me show you to your room, huh?

Yeah, I don't.

- Yes, sir.
- It's right up here.

Yeah.

[glass cracking]

[laughs]
You stepped in ship.

[Joy coughing]

Oh, put it down, put it down, Joy.

Go away, take the rest
of the weekend off,

'cause my boy here
has got to be ship-shape

for his big press conference
tomorrow.

- Trick Malloy.
- Kent Russell.

I know you're thinking
of doing something else

with your life. I get it, I do.

You're not a one-trick pony,
and it's a trick... y decision.

You see what I'm doing here?

I do, I do.
You're having fun with my name.

Exactly.

All right, so, what is it

that you want to do with your life

if you're not gonna play football?

To be honest, Ken, everything.

Ooh, I like that.

I don't know. I want it all.

I want to... I want to eat.

I want to eat life.

My vagina's nickname is "life."

Trick, I've climbed
Mount Kilimanjaro

and Hillary Rodham Clinton.

I have done it all.

And trust me, you're not
gonna find a better gig

than being a Conquistador.

That's just it, I've been
a Conquistador for ten years

and I've never even been
to Conquistador, you know?

Guess I'm still...

still hungry.

Hmm.

She gets it.

[awkwardly sighs]

Oops, oh, my God.

I'm so clumsy.

That made me all wet.

[whispering]
We should sex this weekend.

Yeah, Trick, looks
like you're almost done.

Why don't you come up to my
office, and I will show you

my bronzed cast
of Apolo Ohno's hands?

Oh, yes, to Ohno, you know?

[all laughing]

Attaboy.

Oh, my gosh, do you hear that?

- What?
- The train that's coming?

That sex train. Do you hear it?

Chugga, chugga, chugga,
chugga, his dick!

You know what I'm saying?

No, I don't.

I mean we're gonna
get it on with sex.

♪ Capital S lowercase E ♪

♪ Little-ass C tiny-ass K ♪

Good for you,
that's just not my...

I think of, like,
Trick and sex, like "blech."

No, gross.

You sure about that?

Yeah, that's what I said.

I'm just... I'm not into

he blue eyes, and the skin
and the symmetry

and the... "I'm very gorgeous."

It's not my...
I'm into brains, thoughts,

mental capacities.

Oh, good, 'cause
I told him you had diarrhea.

What?

I mean, good.

Thank you.

Is it just me,

or is that guy really cute?

[laughs softly]

[hip-hop music]

- Oh, oops.
- Sorry.

Body bump.

I call that interference,
you know?

- Hey, you're a teacher, right?
- Yeah.

That's awesome. It's like

you're an agent for change
or something.

Oh, yeah,

I never thought of it like that.
Excuse me.

Do you ever get scared, you know?

Like scared that
your... your students

will just not listen
and they'll just

be distracted by your beauty?

Is that a trick question?

Might be 'cause I'm asking it.

Oh, that's really clever.

Um, no, I don't.

No, you don't get scared?

Oh, I get scared of
a lot of things.

Really, like what?

Um, I don't know. Um...

Um, not being in control
of my own fate?

Mm.

Or horror movies or something...

Yeah, no, I get that fate stuff,

you know what I'm saying,
'cause I'm kinda going through

a little piece of that
myself right now.

It kind of reminds me of the
lyrics of that song "Changes"

- by that guy, Dah-vad Boweé.
- David... David Bowie?

Hey, what's your email addy?
I wanna send you those lyrics.

I think you'll appreciate them
as much as I'm really

just appreciating
alking to you right now.

Oh, um... um... Billie...

Billie at?

Uh, Billie...

Dot?

Uh, Billie...

Okay, "[email protected]".
Sent.

[phone chimes]

Hmm, that's weird. It sent back.

- Later-ade.
- Laters.

Oh, my God, what is wrong with me?

Why would you say that?

Hey, are you talking to me?

Or are you talking to yourself
in the hallway?

[laughing awkwardly]

[awkward mock laughter]

Oh, my God.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

was one of the most important...

Gene.

Hmm?

What are you doing?

On and off the field,

the rumors are swirling

around this grid-iron bad boy.

The pressure is mounting...

both: Mounting.

For him to make a decision.

One thing is certain:
when that decision comes,

the world will be watching.

That's what makes
his choice so hard.

both: Hard.

No cheating!

Oh, am I interrupting? I'm sorry.

- You're not interrupting!
- That's too loud.

I mean, you're not interrupting.

I just, uh, I wanted to see
if I could sit in.

That cool? I didn't do

a lot of class stuff, you know?

Football always came first.

I love coming first.

Of course, absolutely.

Thanks, what are we studying?

[stuttering]
19th century poetry.

I... [sighs]

Yearn... for what can be

to awaken the soul

inside of me.

Who wrote that?

I guess my... my mouth just did.

Okay,

back to the lesson.

Eliza-trick Billie Brown...

Eliza-trick...
Eliza-trick Billie Browning.

Eliz... oops, the chalk's done.

I'll go get another one.

[footsteps accelerating]

Chalk.

Code for loose poops.

Whew!

Can't wait till recess

so we can go masturbate,
am I right?

Oops.

So clumsy...

and good in bed.

Separate note.

Can't quite get it.

Got it.

Oh, spaghetti fingers.

Let me get that.

Oh, almost...

doing such a bad job
with my hands.

Bad hand job, bad hand job.

Grab it.

Oh, almost got it.

Let me use my mouth.

No.

Got it.

[spits]

Now we're pen pals.

Holy crap.

Trick?

Kent wants you to come out back

so you can play foosball together.

Foosball, yeah,

I think you, uh... I think
you mean football, right?

Sure.

You.

Holy crap.

I'm in love.

Got it! Where's Trick?

What's up with your face?

Nothing, my lips were chapped
and my hair was in my face. Why?

Oh, my God, you...
you totally like him.

No, I don't.

- You totally like him.
- No, I don't.

No, girl, you can tell me.

- You kinda like him a little bit.
- I don't like him, no.

Just know this.

[dramatic music]

If it happens for one of us,

he other one that's
stupid and annoying

has to back off.

♪

Hos before bros.

I'm not a ho.

Tell that to your pink scrunchie.

♪

This is my pen.

No one can have it.

- I don't want it.
- Don't come into my room

for 15 minutes.

- You're gonna masturbate.
- What?

- You're gonna masturbate!
- You're disgusting.

[claps, chuckles]

Wow, what a cannon.

[chuckles]
Now, you're gonna tell me

that you're gonna let
that golden arm go to waste?

I mean, what is this, really?

Some sort of a negotiating tactic?

No, it's not about money.

It's like I have a calling,

and I'm tired of letting it

just go straight to voice-mail.

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Sorry, I just overheard
your metaphor.

I was tending to the garden.

Nice toss, by the way.

That's the exact kind of throw

that would beat a soft nickel,

assuming that the safety bites it

on a fake pump, of course.

Didn't know you knew so much
about football, Billie.

She doesn't.

She's just trying to impress me.

She doesn't know...

she already has.

[exclaims]

Your beautiful lip color,

with your scrunchie.

[gasps]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Ugh!

These things get so dirty,
you know?

Oh, get 'em
a little wet, you know?

Oh, squirter.

That's weird that
hey get so dirty.

Don't they just sit
in the water all day?

I'm pretending they're penises.

Okay, Trick,
why don't we go inside?

I'll show you my, uh,
upside down room

where all the furniture
right over here is,

you know, attached to the ceiling.

Cool, I love not sitting down.

Hey,

since when did you start

hand-jobbing the pool equipment?

Same time you started
using a hoe, ho.

[suspenseful music]

[hip-hop music]

Good night.

No, uh...

Good night.

Bonne nuit, Trick. Bonne nuit...

[gasps]

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

Both: Where...

Where are you going?

Just gonna go say
good night to Trick,

see if he needs anything
before bed.

Where are you going?

I was also gonna go...

see if he needed to be put to bed.

Ass before class.

Hey, Trick.

- Hey.
- Books, nice.

I've read about those.

Cool.

Just wanted to come
say good night.

Thinking about turning in.

Unless I stay up to,
I don't know, have sex.

Okay, night, night.

Oh... okay.

[scoffs]

Good luck in there.

There's jizz all over the walls.

- [spits]
- No.

My hand.

[slurring]
Good night, Trick.

Excuse me?

[pop music playing]

[phone buzzing]

You touching yourself to porno?

No, Gene, I'm not watching porno.

Yeah, me neither.
Who watches porno?

What is that, the "Labyrinth"
in the background?

You watching the "Labyrinth?"

No, it's not the "Labyrinth."

It's... I don't need to watch

the "Labyrinth" to fall asleep.

It's a different movie.

Go to sleep.

Nicholas Cage?

Oh, Dickolas Cage.

That makes more sense.

[eerie demonic laughter]

[dreamy music]

♪

♪ Today I found her ♪

♪ We're so meant to be ♪

♪ The only question,
would she marry me? ♪

♪ 'Cause if she does ♪

♪ All the people
of Earth will talk ♪

♪ They'll say ♪

♪ It's Trick and Billie ♪

♪ Look at those two ♪

♪ I know we're silly ♪

♪ Can I get a pic of you? ♪

♪

♪ The people of Earth ♪

♪ Will talk ♪

♪

[dreamy shimmering]

Harder!

Ah, harder!

[Trick yelling]

Jay Baruchel!

Oh, so sorry, Jay!

- Jay, oh, Baruchel!
- Whoo, Canada!

[Billie humming]

- [clattering]
- Oops.

Ooh, sorry, didn't mean
to scare a fart out of you.

I didn't fart, Gene.

It stinks because no one's been

cleaning up after themselves
since Joy left.

What are you doing?

Just making some
Belgian waffles for Trick.

It's his favorite. I Google'd it.

That's so nice of you.

Well, you know, he's a guest.

I figured we might as well
be hospitable, and...

Fun fact: his favorite
lunch food is a BL...

Bitch.

Hey, Trick, I know waffles
are your favorite.

Probably need all the energy
you can get after last night.

You nasty.

What? What happened last night?

Well, let's just say

you had sex with Jay Baruchel,

and it was good. [giggles]

You mean that dude that goes...

[as Jay Baruchel]
"I wrote and directed 'Goon.'

I wrote and directed it."

No, I don't recognize that.

No, uh-huh.

Mmm, those waffles
are really good.

Gene, you don't have to do that.

Don't have to do what?

You know how you act
all sexual around me?

You don't have to do that.
I like you.

Come again?

Spelled with a U.

'Cause see, when I hear
hose words...

Mm-hmm.

All of this...

- Jesus.
- More feels like...

it looks like this.

- Tears of...
- Tears.

Tears of semen?

Just let the sexuality go.

You're more than your sex.

I cry when I listen
to Lennie Annox.

No, Annie Lennox, yeah,
that's... that's it.

Whoa, I feel hella vulnerable.

- Yeah.
- [clears throat]

- What?
- Gene, can I talk to you

inside for a second?

Sure-cicles.

Poor thing, all that diarrhea.

She just found out. Bottom AIDS.

Life is short, you know?

Hey, Gene.

Yeah?

It's really nice
to finally meet you.

You too.

What's up?

That was not cool, Gene.

Do you know how hard it is

to make Belgian waffles
without a waffle maker?

[singing mock French]

What are you... what?

I'm sorry, all I hear
is French music

when I'm in love. What'd you say?

You can't possibly think

he's into you, can you?

Mm, I don't know.

We sort of have this
"will they, won't they"

thing happening, you know?

Let me just cut to the end
for you, hmm?

They won't, okay?

Did you just throw garbage at me?

Me?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, wait, yeah, I totally did.

It was a rhetorical question.

Bitch!

[both yelling]

Come on, get your
head on the ground.

No, I'm uncomfortable
by your vagina...

You want balls in your mouth.

Eat it! Come here!

Not the beets!

Not the beets!

- [gasps]
- You look egg-cellent.

Well, this just in.
He's nacho man!

- Oh!
- Turkey slap!

Salad joke!

Yokes on you!

Does this remind you
of your childhood?

Trash!

Kent, thank you so much
for your hospitality,

but your house
smells like garbage.

Fair criticism.

But I trust tomorrow's
press conference

will yield happiness, yes, yes?

- I think we'll both be smiling.
- Ooh.

Yeah, maybe even laughing.

This isn't a trick, is it?

[laughs]

Name stuff still happening.

Yeah, come on, get in here.

All right.

[grunting]

Listen, you...

are my best and closest friend.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

[car engine starts]
- All right, see you, buddy.

Yeah, man.

[both shouting
and making gun noises]

Well,

I guess we should get
Joy back in here

now that Trick's gone.

- What?
- He's gone?

Mm.

I think that went well.

Mm, yeah, that went quite well.

Bitch! No!

Okay, truce.

I wonder if Trick's gonna
send me some sort of a signal.

You know, like rub his nose
or, like, pull on his dick.

He's not going to.
You're delusional.

Can we just watch the news?

Girls, girls, hush, hush!

Shut it, it's starting. Thank you.

Good afternoon,
I think we all know

that I've come to a bit
of a crossroads in my life,

and, you know, I got
some really great advice

from a really good friend
his weekend.

- Hm. [laughs softly]
- And, uh...

that advice was to
remove the clutter.

And that clutter is football.

[reporters gasp]
Kent Russell, I love you,

and I would've never been able
to make this decision.

I was wavering,
and you made it for me.

Dude, I'm gonna follow my dreams.

I'm gonna be a stand-up comic.

- No.
- I know it's crazy, right?

I mean, how you guys
doing out there?

- [phone ringing]
- What's the quarterback?

Like, what's the deal
with that name?

Greg, my man! [laughing]

It's weird, it's like
some dude took your quarter.

I don't like comedy.

I didn't say that.
I didn't say that!

I see a lot of ladies out there.

[in Rasta accent]:
Love me the ladies, oh, hey.

I met this girl, right?
She's all like,

"Oh, man, I like, cry every
time I listen to Annie Lennox,"

and I'm like, "Annie Len-nah,
that sucks, dude.

Don't cry at Annie Lennox."
You know what also sucks?

Like, generally when,
like, women are like,

"Yeah, I like sports,"

and you're just like, "Go knit.

Like, prune a tree or something

or prune this dick. Mm!"

[laughing]

- [clears throat]
- You guys are fun.

What a train wreck.

Yeah, like, turns out
we're out of his league.

[both laughing as Jay Baruchel]

And don't even get me
started on traffic, right?

It's like...
just all go the same speed.