Idiotsitter (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Funeral - full transcript

♪ And the virgin's breast
was exposed to the dress ♪

- Both: Boo!
- Ahh!

- [both laugh]
- What a sensual fall.

What the hell
are you guys doing?

- Playing Boo.
- I'm winning.

You guys are gonna hurt someone.

Ooh, good idea, Billie.

Extra points
to make someone fall down.

Yes, yes, yes.

[both laughing]

Hey, did you know that Bigfoot's



an interdimensional time traveler?

- Get out of my room!
- We'll talk about it later.

- [smooches]
- [sighs]

Chet!

[singing in Spanish]

- Boo!
- Ah, jeez!

- Ah! Oh!
- [laughing]

[bass music]

- Boo!
- Ahh! Ahh!

[laughing]

Joy, I need help out of this.

I think you're still winning.

What? No flipping way.

Give it to me.



But not for long.

Watch this.

[rock music]

[engine revving]

Boo!

You won.

♪ We're too gangsta for TV

♪ That's why you don't see us ♪

♪ But they still wanna be us ♪

Ha ha!

[clock chimes]

I can't believe you're wearing
that shirt to the funeral.

Why, is it too tight?
Can you see my nipples?

No, it's okay. You know what?
[doorbell rings]

- She's coming. Cross...
- Stop.

Don't jiggle my tits.

I'm not jiggling your tits.

You jiggled it.

- Don't molest me.
- I'm not mo...

Hi, Virginia. How are you?

I wasn't molesting her.

Let's make this snappy.

I have to get home
and sign divorce papers

so my husband can start
his new life with my sister.

Come on.

The alarm will be off,

but the GPS will still be enabled.

I'm sorry about your sister.

Thank you.

Your first soul mate
is your sister.

Yeah, exactly.

Must have really, like,

knocked your socks off, you know.

I feel shaken.

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry too.

[gasps] What the hell... what...

- What did you say?
- That was hurtful.

Oh, I was saying I'm sorry,
too, for your sister.

- Ah, ah, no.
- My poor sister?

That's who you're sorry for
in this scenario.

I think what this stupid idiot
was trying to say was

you were talking about GPS.

- Thank you.
- Yeah. So...

If you go off route,

because the GPS is still enabled,

the police will be notified.

Mm-hmm.

Other than that,
you've got four hours,

which should be ample time
for the service

and the round trip.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Have a great time
at your friend's funeral.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

I will.

[sighs]

Last one to the car's a bitch,
'cause it's you.

- [laughs]
- Okay.

All right, thank you. [clattering]

So much for... oops.

That's... never mind that.
I'll get it.

- I'll let you get that, yeah.
- It's an ornate ball.

Um, Virginia, could I... sorry.

Hi, can I just ask you...

I'm not gonna take her for you.

Okay. Um...

Can I just tell you,
just between friends, I...

Friends?

Let's not put a label on it.

I just... I had a very traumatic
childhood experience

at a funeral,

and I think if I go,
I might have a panic attack.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Let me ask you something,
okay, while we're sharing.

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever walked
in on your husband

nosediving your sister
in your marital bed?

Uh, no... uh?

Right up in there?

No. I had a cat that
moved in with my neighbor...

- Have her back by 6:00.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Oh, bye.

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪

Ooh, turn left.
There's a water park.

- You missed it.
- We have to stay on this road.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, State Farm.
There's probably a petting zoo.

- Let's stop.
- We don't have time, okay?

We're not going anywhere
except for the funeral.

- Why are you so sweaty?
- I'm not sweaty.

I'm just concentrating
on getting there.

- Turn right on Glen Road.
- Oh, God!

You okay?

- Yeah.
- No, it's Chunky Cheese!

I have to pee.

[sighs] Hold it.

I can't. It's slippery.

It's not slippery.

There's a bathroom
at Chunky Cheese's,

and they've got moving animals.

- Let's stop.
- Absolutely not.

Please.

I'm just saying
I have to make wet.

No, you're just saying
you'd rather go

to a rat-themed restaurant
than your best friend's funeral.

- You're avoiding.
- Oh, my gosh.

That's like the least true thing
anyone's ever said, okay,

because I'm frickin' psyched
to go to Chet's funeral.

You shouldn't be psyched either.

This is serious, okay?

I mean, look
at what you're wearing.

Don't tell me how to grieve!

[relaxing music playing]

I still have to one.

Okay.

[relaxing instrumental music]

[woman singing in Spanish]

♪

[exhaling sharply]

[sighs] Calm down.

- Call it up.
- Oh, God.

Relax. It's just me.

I know.

Here, have a juice box.

Thank you.

[clears throat]

Oh, that's not juice. It's wine.

Yeah, duh.

Everybody knows that "juice"
is code for "wine."

Look, I'm sorry
I snapped at you earlier.

Oh, it's okay.

You're not the coolest person.
I get that.

Can I tell you something?

No. Wait. Yeah.

Eh...

Okay.

Um, when I was five,

at my grandmother's funeral,

my mom told me to go
give her a kiss good-bye,

so I did, but her casket

was on this lowering
mechanism thingy,

so they had to get me a stool
so I could reach her.

And when I leaned in
to kiss her, I fell in,

and the casket shut behind me,
and they couldn't get it open,

so I was just trapped in there
with my dead grandmother

for 15 minutes, and I haven't
been to a funeral since.

And?

And then the cast
of "Friends" showed up.

Really? The whole cast?

- Wait, was Gunther there?
- No.

'Cause it doesn't count
if he wasn't.

Forget it.
Let's just go do this thing.

Fine.

- Wait.
- What?

Okay, we won't go.

Chet won't care that
we're not gonna be there.

And, like, you're all freaked
about your grandma,

and my hat's stupid,

and you got me all in my head
about my shirt, so...

You know what? I... yeah, hmm.

- Mm, yes, now that I...
- What?

I like it. It's nice.

- Yeah.
- I don't know.

No, I think it's
a really nice way

to capture the moment, okay?

- Yeah. Wait.
- Gene.

- Okay, we should go.
- Yeah.

I mean, Chet would be totally
bummed if I wasn't there.

- Yeah.
- Right?

- Yeah.
- I mean, why didn't

- you think of that?
- I didn't think...

- I shouldn't not go.
- So we'll go?

- I'm his best friend.
- Yeah.

- Billie?
- Yes.

It'd be crazy if I wasn't there.

- Okay.
- Wait.

Stop doing that, please, okay?

- Okay.
- No.

Pull into the parking lot
over there.

I'll meet you outside in ten.

Where are you going?

I have to fix this, for Chet.

- Wait, no...
- Ten!

I'm gonna vomit. [grunts]

[relaxing music]

"Pairing suggestions:

lukewarm lentil soup."

Where is she?

♪ I'm going to my
grandma's house... me ♪

♪

[music intensifying]

[rock music]

♪

♪ Ho, ah, ah

♪

♪ Ow

You look sharp.

Thank you.

I mean, it smells
a little armpit-y,

but that's rental
territory for you.

Where are all my juice boxes?

Hey, will you make sure
Chet's coffin doesn't eat me?

Wilhelmina...

- Brown.
- Brown.

Wilhelmina Brown, you're drunk.

I'm not.

You are too.

Prove it.

Name all the states in America
in alphabetical order.

Alabama, Alaska,
Arizona, Arkansas...

Reverse order.

Wyoming, Wisconsin, West...

Australian accent.

[imitating Australian accent]
West Virginia.

In the style of Anthony Hopkins

in "Legends of the Fall."

[muffled] Virginia, Vermont.

Whistle.

Hoot.

Give me the keys.

Let's do this.

No, you're on that side now.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, hoo.

You drank them all.

- Pshew.
- Selfish.

[relaxing music]

Get in the car, Billie!

- Whoo-whee!
- No, open the do...

Oh, gosh, everyone can see.

It looks like we're
only eight miles away.

Hey, uh, what do you
think about this?

Is this drugs?

What? No.
Have you ever seen drugs?

No, that's my eulogy, stupid.

Read it, stupid.

What are you doing?

"Loaf, poon"...

What? "Life, pain."

"Life, pain, all the crazy pain,

"the planet's soul is dog [bleep].

"Way to go, Chet.

Way to bust out
of this skin prison."

Well, keep going,
till you get to the sad part.

That's the best part.

"You're all gonna
be here someday, dead,

"dead as my best friend, Chet.

"You... point to the oldest
person in the crowd...

will probably die first."

No, the "point
to the oldest person"

is a stage direction.

Oh, yeah, I think we should
tone this down a little bit.

Forget it. It's stupid.

It is not stupid.

I mean, it is, but I'll help you.

How are you gonna help me?
You're wasted.

I am not wasted.

If I was wasted, could I do this?

[relaxing music playing]

- You didn't do anything.
- Oh.

Panera Bread.

Get out of the way, car!

Now it smells like
Panera soup bowl in here.

Slow down.

I can't. We got to get there.
I'm gonna take a shortcut.

No, we're not that late.
Don't... don't turn.

The turn is part
of the shortcut, Billie.

- Rerouting.
- Ooh, ooh, she says no.

Okay, well, I know
better than her, so...

- Turn right.
- Ooh, she caught you.

She's a stupid lady

doing a stupid voice-over
in a stupid booth!

Now shut the [bleep] up
and eat your [bleep] soup

so I can [bleep] drive!

- [tires screech]
- Ooh!

[sighing]

[rock music]

♪

♪ Ho, ah, ah

♪

♪ Ow

♪

Hey, watch yourself.

You'll get joker mouth.
I just cleaned you up.

I'm gonna miss Chet.

He made me feel like
I could walk on water.

He really did want
to sex with you, huh?

- [chuckles]
- Yeah.

I wonder if me and...

- Hmm?
- No, no.

Ah.

Holy crap.

- What?
- The funeral starts in 20...

No, no, no, ten...
no, ten minutes!

Okay, all right, no more stops

only unless they're completely
necessary, all right?

- Yeah.
- The bare necessities here.

Yeah, yeah, the basic bananas.

Code red, level five-type...

[bleep]. Paint your own ceramics!

Yeah!

[relaxing music]

♪

Nice. It's very primary.

Both: ♪ We're going to a funeral ♪

♪ We ain't suits, we're in suits ♪

♪ We're going to a funeral ♪

- ♪ We ain't ♪
- [spits]

Stop!

[tires screech]

Who would just leave him
out here like this?

He's already dead.

Nothing anyone could do.

[melancholy music]

Billie, Billie,
what are you doing?

- I'm taking him with us.
- Don't touch him.

He deserves a proper burial

like a normal, decent coyote!

[sobbing] All he ever
wanted was a friend!

All he ever wanted was someone
to say, "Hey, coyote",

I like you. You were nice to me."

Or like, "Hey, don't play Boo
with this big truck, coyote."

"What are you thinking?

"I know you want to win the game,

but there's consequences,
you know?"

Exactly.

Or maybe that was me.

Maybe Chet was my one chance
at true love,

and now he's splattered all over
the goddamn asphalt road!

Billie, no.

Don't, Billie! Stop it!

[grunts]

Now, I am sorry for Mr. Coyote.

I am.

But I am not dishonoring
Chet by showing up

with this bloody, disgusting,
freak show of an animal carcass.

♪

[music intensifying]

♪

Yeah.

[rock music]

♪

♪ Ho, ah, ah

♪

♪ Ow

[no audible dialogue]

♪

"And in the last days,
it shall be God declares

"that 'I will pour forth
out my spirit

upon all flesh and your sons,
and your daughters'"...

- This is it. Nice shoes.
- "'Who came up against some'"...

Thank you for your loss.

Is this seat taken?

I like your shoes.
They're very nice.

I'm ecstatic for your loss.

You need to be quiet.

Is one of you Genevieve Russell?

Oh, that's totally me.
The priest knows my name.

How cool is that? How'd you know?

Because this ceremony
ended 15 minutes ago,

and we've been waiting
for a Genevieve Russell

to deliver the final eulogy.

Oh, shoot. Okay, yeah. Coming.

- Where's the thing?
- What thing?

[whispers] The paper.

- The eulogy. Where is it?
- I don't have it.

- I don't have it. Just wing it.
- I can't.

- Just wing it.
- I'm not gonna wing it.

- I'm not a bird.
- Then do it. Go, go.

[whispering] All right.
What's wrong with your voice?

- Why can't you whisper?
- I don't know. I don't know.

Hey, you're the truck
driver guy, right?

You're the guy that killed Chet?

Yes.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh, that's okay, man.

Hey, I, uh...
can I ask you a question?

Were you scared?

Did he scare you, even a bit?

He scared the [bleep] out of me.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah, he did.

- Ma'am?
- Coming.

Whoo! Yay, Gene. Yay, Ge...

Okay. That's enough, Billie.

Hey, everybody.

How's it going?

Um, sorry I'm late.

Not the sort of thing
you want to hurry up and get to,

am I right?

- [laughs]
- [clears throat]

Chet Bingham was a maker of apps

and a lover of shadow
government conspiracy theory.

He was my friend, and I, uh...

I don't have a lot of those,

so losing one is really hard.

He... he was a...

Sorry.

He was a... [speaks gibberish]

Yeah.

He was a... [speaking gibberish]

He was a... [speaks gibberish]

[speaking gibberish]

[gasps] To know!

He was a... [speaking gibberish]

- Okay.
- What I'm trying to say is...

[speaking gibberish]

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Move, sir. Please.

- I got this.
- [speaking gibberish]

- Okay.
- [speaks gibberish]

- [mouths words]
- I'm sorry.

I feel like an idiot.
Move your Bible.

- Move your Bible.
- Jesus.

- Hold this with your...
- What?

Hold it with your holy hands.

[clears throat]

I have never seen anyone
try and evade the pain of loss

as much as this woman has today.

- What's up?
- Is it

- because she's a bad person?
- Yes.

No. Is it because
she has the maturity

of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,

a TMNT? No.

It is because her heart

is as big as Chet's head
in this poster behind me,

which, if I am not mistaken,

has been sneaking up
this whole time

- trying to push me in the coffin!
- What? No.

- No, sir! You won't have me!
- No. Billie. Someone. Someone.

- Stop it!
- Get her off of there!

- You will never...
- Get her off. Don't...

- Billie.
- I'll kill you!

- Billie!
- [screaming]

Get off of him!

You're not gonna
take me with you!

- Get off of him.
- I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed now, please.

Don't look at me.

Sorry about that scene.

This was Chet's favorite food.

The first time
he had a Gunny Worm,

he said they're almost as good
as the real thing.

[melancholy piano music]

Enjoy, buddy.

These are croutons
from Chet's favorite chain

restaurant, Panara Bread.

Panera.

And this is Chet's
favorite alcohol, boxed wine,

or, as he liked to call it,
the loose juice,

which was always funny when
he said it because of his esses.

♪

[lisping] Drink up, sailor.

I know. You're Hank's dad.

Yeah, you are.

And this, this is a plate

that I hand-painted today
at Paint Your Own Ceramics.

It's part of the reason
I was tardy.

That's me with the yellow hair,

and that's Chet,

and we're dancing in the sunset.

And I have a glow around me
'cause I've got radiant skin.

And he's got a glow around him
'cause he's a new ghost.

And on the back it says,

"Best Friends Forever,"

'cause I will never have
another friend like Chet again,

and I'm really scared about that.

♪

[plate shatters]

Damn it. Okay.

[sighs]

I'll miss you, buddy.

Everyone be cool about this.

What? No, Billie, don't.

[all gasping]

Should we go?

Yeah.

Is there an after-party? Or...

You'll let me know, yeah?

We should get going.

We only have 15 minutes
left to get back.

Yeah, can I just have
a few more minutes alone?

Of course.

[sighs]

What am I gonna do
without you, bud?

Ugh. Leave me alone.

What?

I said leave me alone.

I don't need you, Patrick.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Don't pick me up. You know what?

I hope a truck
full of Mexicans come by

and I get G-banged by all of 'em.

And that's on you!

It's not on me! That's on you!

That's what I hope.

Hello? Dang it.

Whatever, you're just mad
because I play saxophone.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm Gene.

I know.

I saw your speech.

- Thanks.
- Yeah, you're welcome.

So what are you doing
after you're done here?

Um...

Nothing. What about you?

Oh, I'm on house arrest,
so I got to get home.

Oh.

- You know how it is.
- I know.

But I got an extra seat
in my car.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Maybe I could give you a lift or
you can come over and hang out?

- Do I have to wear a seat belt?
- No, man, never.

Oh, yes.

Okay, let's do it.

Oh, are you done?

I'm my boss.

- You make your own hours?
- Yeah.

So what's your name?

Pamela.

Oh. Pamela, how do you feel
about the name Chet?

Don't love it.

- Cheddar?
- I don't know.

It's too, like,
"8 Mile," like Eminem.

- Yeah, yeah, I see that.
- Yeah.

How about New Chet?

I really just prefer Pamela.

Well, I have the car,
so maybe you go by New Chet.

Did somebody say my name?

Oh, there you go. Okay.

- That a girl.
- Yeah.

Both: ♪ We went to a funeral

♪ We ain't suits, we're in suits ♪

All: ♪ We went to a funeral

♪ We ain't suits, we're in suits ♪

Gene, why is the gravedigger
in the back seat?

Oh, that's New Chet.

Don't worry. She's cool.

There's a lot
of animal blood back here.

Yeah.

Mind your business.