Idiotsitter (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Book Report - full transcript

Which of these shapes
is a parallelogram?

- That one.
- Nope.

Can you take your shades
off please?

Yeah, if you take
your top off.

I'm not taking my top off.
Take off your sunglasses.

Doesn't seem fair, but...

Frickin' crazy.

Which of these women
is Harriet tubman?

[mumbles]

- The what one?
- The sexy one?

I don't... which one
is sexy to you?



Nope, that's Nancy Reagan.
First lady.

- First lady of what?
- America.

Speaking of geography,

which of these...
- Is not a total waste of time?
Neither one of them.

Let's get some beers
up in here's... Joy!

Joy!

Hey, Gene?

- Gene.
- Hmm?

If you don't learn,
you don't pass your GED.

You don't pass your GED,
you go to prison.

Know what happens to girls
like you in prison?

Yeah, I get along with everyone
and have a super cool time,

and then I get
corn-rowed-haired.

Nope, you get your teeth
knocked out



with a shower handle
and they use your mouth

as a tampon depository.

Soup's on.

Now which of these countries
is Botswana?

Sorry about that.

- Okay. It's fine.
- Which... which one is what?

Which one of these... they're
both a country...

- Oh, yeah?
- Which one is Botswana?

- In Africa.
- I think like maybe like
that one's Botswana?

Okay. All right.
I'll get it.

- Oh, no, no, I got it.
- It's expensive card stock.

I got it.
I'll pick it up.

Don't.
Don't!

- It's mine!
- Don't touch it.

Don't kick it with
your dirty sneakers.

Do they play soccer
in Botswana?

Don't!
Give it!

Don't you... don't!

You're eating Malaysia.

Tastes like Thailand.

♪ We're too gangsta for TV

♪ That's why you don't see us ♪

♪ But they still wanna be us

Ha ha!

I wonder if anyone's
ever died

dying these tennis balls
their classic

neon green color.

That's how I wanna go,
you know?

Like, doing something
hella weird

slash sports related.

I want to go
in a fire tragedy.

Speaking of, I need
your help.

We need to get Billie fired.

No! Why?
I mean, why, and...

What?

But, I thought you liked her.

No, she's like,
freakin' lame.

With, like, a capital "f"
and a lowercase "I,"

'cause you only capitalize,
like,

the first letter
of the sentence.

Damn it!

You do?

Yeah, it's a thing.
Why do I know that?

I mean, I'm impressed.

I mean, it seems like
she's taught you

some really cool things.

Yeah, it's, like, the worst.

What if you just, you know,

kept her around in case
she has a crush

on one of your friends?

Mm... I don't have
any friends.

I thought I was your friend.

[laughter]

[knock at door]

- Gene?
- Don't come in, we're naked!

No you're not, you're both
wearing terrible clothes.

Maybe that's just what
our bare skin looks like.

Oh, hi Billie.
I didn't see you there.

Hello, Chet.

She knows I'm here.
I can't stand it.

I can hear you.
[clears throat]

Uh, Gene, did you start
your book report?

Yeah.
Done.

Capital "d."
Lowercase "one."

Damn it!

You read a whole book
and already wrote your report?

Yeah.
I read "The Grapes Gatsby."

Do you mean
"The Great Gatsby?"

Mm-hmm.

Okay.
Well, what's it about?

[groans]

- It's about rich people.
- Uh-huh.

- Who are in love.
- Mm-hmm.

And it's directed
by Baz Luhrmann.

- It's directed by?
- It's written by Baz Luhrmann.

- Okay.
- And the music for the book
was done by Jay Z,

and it stars Leo Dicaps,

old Spider-man,
and Borat's wife.

Okay, so you watched
the movie.

You didn't read the book.

They made a movie
out of that?

Come on.
We'll start over.

We'll pick a new book.
Come on.

And what's gonna happen
if I don't?

Uh, major consequences.

- Major consequences.
- Yeah.

That sounds like a Disney
movie about the army.

"Major consequences,"
starring Zack and Cody!

[laughs]

- They would be in it!
- They would.

- Totally they would star in it!
- Yeah!

Hey, Chet, do you want
to go to my guesthouse

where all my underwear is
and pick a new book?

Yes, yes,
a thousand times, yes.

Great.

Guess your plans have changed.

♪ ♪

Oh, yes, "Fear and Loathing
in Las Vegas."

You'd love this.
It's all about drugs.

And there are bats in it.
Really cool...

well they're my favorite
night creature, so...

Ooh, Gene, you might like
"Of Mice and Men."

It's all about guys...

I'm already sold.

Mice are my favorite
day creature.

Okay, so, we're off
to a good start.

- I feel it too.
- What?

Okay, let's just get
one more for safety.

Um, "The Adventures of
Huckleberry Finn."

It's a classic, and you
love adventure.

And huckleberry's my jam.

I put it on everything.

English muffins.
Croissants.

So we have three
awesome options.

Guess they are kinda
three awesome options.

Probably start these never.

I sincerely thought
she was gonna say "now."

Look, I'm spending
the day with Chet.

That's what I'm doing.

And nobody's gonna
change that, okay?

Sorry.
Is what it 'tis.

- Chet, leave.
- Okay.
- What?

[dramatic music]

I hate you, you're the worst,
just die!

You're still inside.

Die!

[dramatic music]

[clears throat]

Mr. Russell?

- Huh?
- Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure thing, Bill.
Hey, do you know where my balls went?

I don't, uh, even know
how to answer that.

Uh, it's about Gene.

I... I'm having a hard time
getting her to do her work

or not hate me.

Oh, well, you know,
she just takes

some time warming up.

You have to ease her into it.

It's like, uh... I should be
able to think of

a better example...

Can't.
It's like date rape.

- Date... date rape?
- Yeah. Date rape.

- Uh... I don't know...
- You can't force her
into doing something,

you have to take her out,
make her feel good.

Well, then at the end
of the night, well,

you get what I'm saying. Look,
I'm... I'm late for my... late for my match.

Hope I was helpful.

- Not at all.
- Hey, Joy!

Have you seen my balls?

Bunch of rich weirdoes.

[knock on door]

"This is Gene writing.

"Meet me by the pool.
Let's talk books.

"P.S. Ran out of
note paper."

Bunch of rich weirdoes.

Gene?

Gene?

[screams]

Ha, you thought I was gonna
push you in the pool.

- Push me in the pool?
- What?

[both scream]

You got my cast wet!

I don't know how to swim!
Here, I'll help you.

I'll help you.
I got you.

Ow, no, no!
No, no, no!

[laughs]
I'm not making a funny joke!

- Get off of me!
- I can't.

You're weighing me down, man.

I need you.
[groans]

Why are you so much heavier
than you are on land?

- Wake up! Wake up!
- Okay?

I can't die!
What's wrong with you?

I can't die, I've never
been to France.

- You're my sea pony.
- I am not your sea pony.

- Giddy-up!
- Ahh!

Dinner!

Give it a rest, Joy.

Everyone knows
your accent is fake.

[laughs]
That is true.

Help us!
Don't go chasing waterfalls.

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no!

[laughs]

Tanzy, what is this link
you just sent me?

It's all the buzzfeed quizzes.

I'm finding out what kind
of bird I would kill

if I was a jaguar.

Oh, yeah.

- You look ridiculous.
- Get a mirror.

Why?

Obviously I'm indicating
that you look the same.

Oh, indicating.

Why don't you take your five-dollar
words and live off of that

instead of living off
my dad's money.

Brring, brring!
Hold on, I have to take this.

- What?
- Hello?

Oh, it's the ironic operator
from... Irony... Town.

That's not a real phone.
Or a town.

Ha, it says Rip Torn
would play me

in a movie about my life.

Ooh, I got Kate Blanket.

Oh.

- Oh, Mr. Russell?
- Hmm?

I'm sorry to bother you,
but I think that

if I'm gonna get Gene
to listen to me,

we should lay down
some ground rules.

- What are you doing?
- Also, I'm sorry I'm wet.

Gene, what do you have
to say about that?

I think it's disgusting
that she's telling everyone

that she's sexually aroused
at the table.

- I'm not sexually aroused.
- It's okay.

It happens, just don't
tell everybody about it

over a nice pasta salad.

How the heck am I Chandler?

I don't know.

You know what
I just realized?

- I don't say this lightly.
- Hm.

I really don't like you.

Hey.
Get a mirror.

It doesn't work
in this instance

because that would mean
I don't like myself.

And it's okay that you don't.

Everyone agrees
that you shouldn't.

Yeah, right, who?
Everyone likes me.

Who doesn't like me?

Easy-skeezy,
right off the bat.

- There's me.
- Good.
- There's your parents.

Who names their kid that they
like after Billy Crystal?

I was not named
after Billy Crystal.

But even if I was,
joke's all over you, babe,

because "Forget Paris" is one
of my favorite movies.

I thought your favorite movie
was "Pretty Woman"

because you love the opera
and you're a whore for money.

Well then your favorite movie
must be "Waterworld"

because it was expensive
and terrible.

Like you.

Ha, look at that.

The quality I most admire
in a woman is earrings.

Mm-hmm.

I thought your favorite movie
was "Splash" because

splash!

Ha-ha.

I'm already wet, idiot.

[mocking gibberish]

- Is that supposed to be me?
- Yeah, this is also you.

"Please, sir, do you have
any change?

"I'm so very poor."

Mm-hmm.
[wails]

Am I a ghost?
No, it's cold outside.

Temperature-wise.

Well, at least my daddy
doesn't have to pay people

to hang out with me.

Hmm, my ginger soul mate is

Ed Sheeran.

Huh.

Where's Gene?

I'm not Gene.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know who I am?

You're Billy Crystal.

Billy Crystal.
Funny.

Yeah, remember that movie
where we saw

where he was in that
movie with the woman?

I saw that.

[insects chirping]

Gene?

Gene?

Um, I brought you a beer
and some ice cream.

I know you usually mix it,
I couldn't quite

bring myself to do it, but...

A... are you there?

Anyway, I just wanted
to apologize for earlier

at dinner, and, uh...

That's it, really.

I'm not very good at this.

So, I'll just leave this here
in case you're still awake.

Can you hear me?

Gene?

All right, well,
see you tomorrow.

No, you won't,

'cause tomorrow...

I'm gonna Kill Bill.

What'd you say?

I heard you say my name.
What'd you say?

Honk-shoo, honk-shoo...
[pretend snore sounds]

are you just going
"honk-shoo" like you're snoring?

At the door?

Go away!

♪ Everyone's got their own kinda power ♪

♪ Everyone's power is cool and unique ♪

[dramatic music]

What the f...

"All dicks welcome here,"
that's not true.

So many bras...

And they're not mine.

Where would you even...
Put it?

Hey, Billie,
I read my assignments,

and the Bible.

Oh, my gosh.

You did this.

I really hope
my dad slash your employer

doesn't come in and see this.

Dad!
Dad, come now!

All right, what?
Gene, I got a conference call

with a chocolate company.

Don't look up
from your phone... oh, dang it.

Oh, you're probably gonna want
to fire her now.

This bites the big one.

Pack your stuff?

Mr. Russell, I...

- This is not my stuff.
- Hmm.

Although I do actually

greatly enjoy that movie.

"American History X"?
It's...

- You like it?
- I love it.

- Me, too!
- Edward Norton?

With those arms?
Hold me.

How 'bout Edward Norton
with that semi-chub.

Are you kidding me?
When he's getting arrested?

Is that what that is?

Yeah, what did you think
it was?

Like, a shorts bubble.

I'm sorry, what's going on?

Oh, this is just all
Billie's stuff,

so you probably want
to fire her.

Pack your stuff.

Gene clearly staged all of this

to get me fired.
- Mm-hmm.

Why would I wanna
get you fired?

'Cause I don't want to watch
"Garbage Men With Penises part VI"?

[hums]
How do you know the very specific,

very bad title of this porno?

Because it's one of the
best... I don't know.

- You own it!
- No!

You were like, "here I am
in the porn shop."

"Garbage Men With Penises,
part VI"!

I've never been to a porn
sho... what did you call it?

- A shop?
- Mr. Russell.

- A porn shop?
- Mr. Russell, I...

No, don't listen to what
she's about to say, dad.

She's a coke-head.

Look at her, racing to it!

Like a regular Tim Allen.

- This is flour.
- Sure, Billie.

The room is filled with
flowers, man!

[whispers] LSD!

You're covering the wrong
side of your mouth.

She's on LSD, dad!

Gene, this is very, very
creative stuff.

Really, it is, but as I said,

I have a call,
and the chocolate people wait

for no man.

Excuse me.

Mr. Russell.

- Mr. Russell.
- Huh?

Hi. Is that all you're
gonna say about that?

It's just Gene, all right?

She's like a... oh, what's
a good analogy?

She's like Y2K,

which everybody thought was
gonna be this huge disaster,

then nothing happened.

- That's terrible.
- Yeah.

[chuckles]

Still have a garage
full of soup.

No, I mean, don't you
think there should be some

consequences or guidance

from you?
- Don't listen to her, dad.

She's a sex addict
who loves trash dicks.

I don't love trash
di... I have normal urges.

Look.

Gene respects you,
and I don't think that

that applies to many people.

I think she would stop
if you'd just

lay down the law a little.

I knew there was a reason
I hired you.

You're smart.

- Thank you.
- Come on, let's go.

Now? No, I thought you had
a chocolate emergency.

It's my daughter.
What's wrong with you?

Oh, yes.

- Yeah.
- I'm... I'm coming.

- Okay.
- All right.

Oh, gross, but also natural?

Gene, your dad would like
to talk to you.

Yeah.

Cool, cool, cool,
is it to tell me

that uh... He fired you?

Pack your stuff?

All right, Gene, I, um...

- Need to talk to you.
- Need to talk to...

- You.
- You.

What you did was...

Bad.
And...

Get out of the house.

No, she's on
house arrest, so...

- Huh?
- She has to stay here.
(Clean the room.)

Clean the room!

(Do the book report.)

And report a book.

- That's good. That's close enough.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- I would love to.
- Mm-hmm.

But I don't want to.

Okay, well, that's solved.

No, no, no.
Not gonna want to, remember?

- Oh, yeah.
- But she has to.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Oh, right, right.
Makes sense to me now.

Yeah, yes. Here we go.
Okay.

Gene.
[mumbles]

You have to.

No.

- More stern.
- More stern. Okay.

- You have to!
- Oh, my God!

- What are you doing?
- I wasn't gonna hit her!

I just... I was just threatening
her, a little bit.

- Just use your voice.
- Okay. All right.

Gene,

I want you to clean
this room right now,

and after that, I want you
to do your book report,

and from here on out,

you will listen to what...

- Billie.
- Billie tells you to do

or I will be very, very
disappointed

in you.

Fine.

- That was great.
- That was really good.

- That was so great!
- You did so good.

My God, you're so brave
and authoritative.

- Well, you know.
- My God.

Oh, and Gene?

You can leave that poster.

Thanks.
Mm.

Stupid book report!

♪ ♪

Sorry if this book report's
not very good.

I've been up late
working hard on it,

but then also "School Ties"
came on,

and that's one of
my favorite movies,

which is surprising,
'cause I don't like

anything school-related, but
I love Jewish-themed movies.

- No, that's okay.
- Why are you interrupting
the book report?

Oh, I didn't realize you...

Are you reading that
off the page?

- Yes!
- Oh. Sorry.

It was so conversational,
I thought we were just talking.

Okay, well now I lost
my frickin' spot.

- I'm sorry.
- Just let me...

All flustered now.
[clears throat]

I did my book report on

"Fear and Loathing
in Las Vegas."

I liked it slash it was
confusing as **.

The book starts
with Raoul Duke

behind the wheel
of a convertible.

[eagle screeches]

He realizes the drugs he took
earlier are kicking in.

They're kicking in,
the drugs, yes?

[garbled mumbling]

- Next to him sits
his 300-pound attorney,

Dr. Gonzo,
aka the fat Samoan.

[mumbles]

- They were headed
to Vegas from L.A.

Let's go to Vegas.

- And there were bats
and stuff.

I see two more.
I see bats.

It's real. It's real.

- They're on their way
to Vegas,

but they got derailed
because Lennie is like,

"Curley, what's up
with your hand?"

I like to keep my hand
nice and soft

so I can touch my girlfriend.

Aw, that feels gross.

Wait, who's Lennie?

Me... sometimes, uh,
Raoul Duke

calls himself Lennie.

Got it.

- So they took off.

This plane's going fast.

I don't think planes
were invented yet.

- They continued their journey.

Cow, cow, cow, cow.

That's not a cow.
That's a tire.

- It was much easier
for them to get to Vegas

by taking the good ol'
Mississippi river.

We gotta catch that
riverboat.

I agree with you.

You catch anything?

Just this minnow.

Uh-oh.

You want it?

Nice minnow!

- And by that time, Dr. Gonzo
was a free man.

Gene.

Whoosh.

- Gene!
- Sup?

Okay.
Gimme that.

- Okay.
- And get off my desk.

Jeez. Demanding.

Any questions?

You with the stupid glasses
in the front?

How many of the books
that I gave you did you read?

'Cause it feels like you read
parts of all of them

without noticing
they were different,

and wove them into one story.

Okay, CSI Miami,
if you say so.

Or... any of the CSI's
would work.

Didn't you notice that
the names kept changing?

Yeah, but I thought
they were, like, nicknames.

Like, how some people call me
"Genie" or "Goosetits."

Really wish that one
would go away.

How is that even possible?

Oh, guys said that my tits
looked like goose beaks.

I meant that you read
three different books

without noticing?

Well at least I tried.
Jeez.

Do you mind if I actually
go finish them?

Because now that I know
that the ending isn't

that Huck and Lennie
go to L.A.,

I kinda want to find out
what happens.

Sure, Gene.

- Class over. Go.
- Okay.

Oh, and can I borrow a few
books from your guesthouse?

Yeah, have at it.
Go nuts.

Can't wait.

Can't wait?

Wait a minute.

Gene likes reading.

She likes to read.

I did it.

I did it.

Oh, God.
Mr. Russell?

- Huh?
- I did it.

I got through.

Yeah...

I...

I raped your daughter.

That a bill.

Date raped her!
Who am I?