Idiotsitter (2014–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - GED Prom - full transcript
I gathered you all here
together because you are all...
implicated in Mr. Body's
dastardly blackmail!
Did none of you deduce that the
others were involved, too?
( THUNDER CRASHING )
Ones who are dead
in the other room.
I bet it was Mrs. Peacock.
I would never trust a bird.
( LOUD SNORING )
Hedra!
Can you not see I'm watching
what's turning out to be...
the greatest movie of all time?
( SNORING CONTINUES )
Hedra!
Hedra!
Agh!
Oh, god.
I just had a dream
I was a pregnant seahorse.
Oh, my god, me, too.
Oh, my gosh... Hedra, I didn't
know you liked...
anyone other than me.
Oh, I'm sorry, G.G.
I'm off for the summer, so
it's strictly dick-ly 'til fall.
School's out, you know?
What do you mean, school's out?
K.I.T.
But I like it and I didn't like
it at first, but now I do...
and I think we should all stay
because I want us to.
I'm Dev, by the way.
I know. You've introduced
yourself so many times.
Where are you go-- no! Hedra!
I'm right here! No!
Don't-- okay, it's happening.
[GENE]
Stop looking at me.
I hate both of you so much!
( THUNDER ROLLING )
( KNOCK ON DOOR )
Mm, mm-hm.
All right, bye-bye.
Yes, yes!
You wanted to see me?
Ah, and now I do.
Yeah, it's a great joke.
Hi, sorry!
Oh, hi!
I'm trying to fix Paula.
Oh, we're not hugging.
That's what I named the printer.
Okay.
Well, have a seat, Ms. Brown.
You can move my bicycle if you
need a little extra room.
Sure, I'll--
Put her over there.
Just anywhere?
Lift with your back.
There we go!
All right.
This is just an informal
end-of-the-year evaluation...
that I like to do.
Dean Arnold's office. Oh, hi,
is this the I.T. guy?
Ah, thank Jerusalem.
All right, question number one;
do you like being a teacher?
Ah, no, I don't like it.
I love it. Ha!
The printer's acting up...
It's a joke.
ever since I spilled the
slightest amount of soup on it.
Do you feel as though you could
do anything else with your life?
Uh, you're not gonna fire me,
are you?
Oh, no! No, no, no.
Oh, okay.
That's crazy.
No, I don't know what kind
of soup...
Orange?
Do you have a backup plan...
if teaching does not work out?
I don't. It really feels like
you, uh... are gonna fire me.
Oh, my god, oh, my god, it's
making this horrible sound.
Hold on, I'm gonna fix this now.
May I just say something?
This'll do it.
I'd really rather you did not.
I just want to say that...
Hold on.
Even if I could do something...
Ow! Hold on.
else, I wouldn't, because
I was born to teach.
Teaching is in my blood,
I have teacher blood.
Oh, no, no, no, no, there's a
woman here...
she's giving a very lengthy
speech.
She has some type of blood
disease.
No, I don't have a blood
disease. I just--
I'm so sorry, I'm on a very
important business call.
Okay.
I'm so sorry, there's quite a
bit of soup on it now.
Okay.
I meant no. I-- I--
Thank you for letting
me come pack, Dana.
I know it's been a little
tense...
since the whole sleepwalking
incident.
And I appreciate how well
you're handling it.
[DANA] Oh, you're welcome,
Wilhemina.
Um-- and you know, maybe
next year...
we can start to be friends
again.
Oh, you're coming back?
Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Well, I hear they're
making a lotta cutbacks.
I mean, first years are
usually first to go.
( KNOCK ON DOOR )
( GULPS )
Who's that?
I don't know.
That could be a predator.
You're holding a knife.
Don't answer that.
I'm not expecting anyone.
"To Billie and Dana"!
Uh, that's a federal offense
to read someone else's mail.
It's addressed to both of us,
like we're a couple.
Ugh...
"You've been invited to an
End-of-the-Year Honors Party...
at the Library tonight...
dress slutty slash old timey."
Is this a thing?
If it is, I've never heard
of it. Stay on your side.
Well, I doubt they invite
teachers...
who aren't coming back
next year.
You wanna check it out together?
I'm pointing a knife at you.
( THUNDER CRASHING )
Your loss... I'm gonna party.
My god, is that how you dance?
Yeah.
( JOINT CRACKS )
Ow, ow, my hip. Ow.
( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING )
Hey, guys.
Am I early?
I came on time as to avoid
the cats and dogs outside.
So no one dressed slutty
and old-timey?
Oh, I did! And I'm already
having fun!
As much as I loved the bike
ride over here--
Oh, by the way, I, uh...
I got a new bike.
I know, I moved it.
What is going on here?
I thought you said this
was mandatory, Timothy.
That's what the letter
that I got said.
I got a letter, too.
Who would hang chains
on the bookshelves...
that aren't chaining
anything up?
Welcome to the
Murder Mystery Escape Room!
Oh, are you serious? Come on,
this turnout sucks butt.
I invited like a hundred
and a half people.
You did this?
Yes.
All right, you guys wanna
get out of here?
Yes.
Of course.
Wait, no, no, no!
I promise it'll be fun!
Wait. Timothy, you're gonna
be Professor Grapes.
Oh, I've always wanted
to be a professor.
You can be the sexy maid.
Ooh, I love sex!
Billie, you can be
Miss Charlotte.
No, that's a stupid name. Stop.
Dean Arnold, you're my favorite,
Colonel Mayonnaise.
No, no, no, no, I'm not.
And you're Mrs. Pussywillow.
Oh, I love pussies!
I have a Scottish Fold.
Okay, I think I speak
for almost everyone here...
when I say that no one's
into this plan.
You have 60 minutes to figure
out all the clues...
and unlock all the locks...
including this lock
on this very door...
or else you'll never escape
the room!
Your time starts now.
No!
No!
Don't swallow it, you idiot!
Oh, my god,
she's choking on it!
What are we all yelling about?
( SWALLOWS )
Oh... oh, they make that look
so easy in kids' movies.
How are we supposed
to get out now, Gene?
You figure out the clues and
then you use the-- you use the--
Right... right.
( THUNDER CRASHING )
Agh!
Somebody do something!
Oh, I thought that would work.
Wait a minute... Windy! Windy
has a key! Where's Windy?
( BOOKS FALLING )
My office! Windy! Windy!
Oh, Windy, thank god
you're here.
Do you have a spare key?
[MAN]
Windy left already.
Do I know you?
Agh!
I mean, yes... you do.
Um, you recommended I not be
hired by your colleague.
Do you work here now?
Did you hire him?
I did.
Great.
Welcome to-- welcome aboard.
I'm having so much fun.
Ugh... it's going
to voicemail...
campus security must be
gone already.
Okay, so, let me get this
right, okay, Gene?
Okay.
Okay?
So, you invited all of us
to a party...
and then you locked us in a room
so that we would bond so much...
that we wouldn't want
to leave school?
Sure.
Okay, no!
Don't just say "sure" casually
like it's some normal plan.
Look, okay, I was watching
a movie last night...
where there was a bunch
of people in it...
with names like the one's
that I gave you guys...
and they were all locked
in a house...
and they had like the best
frickin' night of their lives.
Okay, and I can't remember the
name of the movie right now.
Clue?
Uh, it's a murder mystery,
they all drink soup in it.
Clue.
It's monkey's brain, actually.
Ooh my, the soup's delicious.
Clue.
Tim Curly's in it--
I'm the maid!
Ugh, tits.
Gross.
So, you were hired to replace
someone...
in the history department,
but you don't know who it is?
Nope.
Is it me?
I honestly don't remember you.
I'm Billie Brown. I guest
lectured in your class...
and you recommended they
not hire me...
and you fined me for smoking.
Well, you are pretty smoking.
I know... thank you.
You're very welcome.
Uh, hey, sorry to interrupt...
that thing...
but Professor Cal, I'm wondering
if you could come help us out?
I would love to help you, Dean.
Oh, I can help, too.
No-- no, don't worry
about that, Billie.
You see, Professor Cal
or Prof Cal...
he's kind of great at this
sort of thing.
Yes, well, I'm a survivalist.
I was on Naked.
On what?
A little television show,
Naked and Afraid?
But I was only one of those
things.
It was naked.
Right.
Um, I think Windy has some
tools, so...
I'll just look for 'em, 'cause
I can jimmy the lock, I think.
If he can't figure--
( THUNDER CRASHING )
( BEA SCREAMING )
Billie is the murderer!
I'm not the murderer, Bea.
No one murdered.
I just got a screwdriver.
I'll text my boy, Bodhi.
He can open anything.
We used to do banks jobs
together...
to fuel our endless summer.
Oh, wow.
Did he just act like
he lived Point Break?
Yeah, that's the plot
of Point Break.
Hah-hah, he's just out
surfin'... my guy.
He's around. He'll be here
in a couple hours.
Great.
What should we do until then?
We could switch jackets.
Why would I do that with you?
For... fun.
Okay.
Actually, I don't want to.
Oh.
Who's ready for another drinky
or a cracker?
I wish there was a spread like
this in the Bolivian rainforest.
I used to chew tree bark and
call it "jungle gum".
I never have I ever
had this many drinks.
[TIMOTHY] This is fun.
Uh, Timothy, that is not how
that game works.
Tell us another story.
Well, so there I was,
I was naked--
Bunch of monsters.
I spent all this time making
the coolest escape room...
and instead they're playing
a child's drinking game.
I might not have a job.
Are you listening to
my important problem?
One day you're living the dream,
and then it's cutbacks and Cal!
I don't understand your story
at all.
But I don't need to be
caught up.
He's replacing someone
in the history department, Gene.
That could be me.
Ooh! A mystery!
Okay, let's gather everyone
together...
I'll solve it and then
everyone'll be like, Gene...
you're so good at mysteries,
let's never leave school.
That's not the point.
The point is, no one leaves
this room...
until I know I have a job
next year or they're--
Yeah, say it, Billie.
They'll be in trouble with me.
In trouble enough to kill?
Stop talking about your
stupid mystery!
You need to help me
figure this out.
( STOMACH RUMBLES )
Ow... ow, ow.
I'm sorry, that's too hard.
No, no, no, it's my stomach,
okay?
It's not agreeing with the key.
All right, Billie, I'll do it.
I'm gonna take on the case of
the possibly unemployed woman.
Thank yo--
Oh, god!
I have major key belly.
( KEYS JINGLING )
Can you hear it?
Yeah.
Does it sound like Christmas?
( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING )
Never have I ever been stung by
a bee and my name's Bea.
Isn't that funny?
Your voice sounds made up.
Never have I ever had a moment
of fear, doubt or regret.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
[BILLIE] Cheers.
[CAL] Cheers.
Cheers.
[CAL] Cheers.
Cheers.
[BILLIE] Oh...
( CLEARS THROAT )
Never have I ever had to fire
someone in this room.
Mm, like you.
( GASPS )
( THUNDER CRASHING )
( STRUGGLING )
( THUD )
( GASPS )
Agh!
Agh!
Agh!
Everybody relax!
He's fine, he's just passed out.
That's not how you take a pulse.
Yes, it is.
Who punched him?
[BILLIE]
Who punched him?
You're jumping ahead,
Miss Charlotte.
Don't call me that.
The real question is,
who had a motive?
All of you!
( ALL GASPING )
You all want to keep your
jobs, so you all had a motive.
But who revealed that one
of you would lose your job?
Timothy!
But who gave Timothy the
loose juice to make him talk?
Bea!
But who invited Bea.
Me!
( GASPING )
Well, I didn't-- I mean,
I didn't do that.
( STOMACH GROWLING )
Ugh! My tummy!
Billie, I'm too weak. I don't
know how much time I have left.
That's okay. Hey, Cal, when's
your friend coming?
I don't know, my phone died.
Wanna go in my office
and smoke a J?
That's my office!
And no drug-doing!
Ah-ite, then I'm gonna bounce.
Excuse me.
Bounce?
We're locked in--
What?
It might calm you down, dear.
Would you shut up,
you stupid bitch!
All you do is-- I'm sorry,
I always lash out at you.
I just-- something
about your fac--
Would you wake up,
you bike-riding asshole!
[CAL]
Yo! Check this out!
Well, I'll see you monkeys on
the other side of the jungle.
Peace.
[TIMOTHY] Wait, wait, wait--
No, I think that's a bad idea.
Why are you going in two-feet
first?
'Cause I'm not a goddamn
amateur.
Peace!
He just keeps saying peace.
Close it as I'm leaving.
I think that leads
to the furnace.
Pay-ce!
Bye.
( LOUD CLANGING )
[CAL] I'm all right!
Oh.
( FURNACE IGNITING )
[CAL] Oh, no!
So you're telling me that you
don't remember five minutes ago.
When I said never have I ever
had to fire someone in this...
room, and then you drank and
threw whiskey at Dean Arnold?
Okay, the point of that story
is, there's no conclusion.
I will make out with you.
Hey, no, stop!
I will!
Please don't! Please don't!
Please stop! Stop, stop,
stop, no, no, no!
( THUNDER CRASHING )
Ugh!
It's getting painful.
Do you have anything
that settles key belly?
Let's see what Billie has
over here.
Okay.
A hernia pillow, a cloudy
baggie of vitamins...
Billie is such a loser.
Don't you just love her?
Not really.
Uh-oh.
Oh, where is the library
bathroom?
Just passed the door
with the giant lock on it.
Holy sh-- no, no, no.
I know you know something!
Tell me or there
will be consequences!
What's happening?
( THUNDER CRASHING )
Windy, stop!
Oh, sorry, my bad...
my ear buds must have gotten
caught on your neck.
Goddamn you, Eduardo!
Where did you come from?
I was in the back
of the library.
I was studying for my final
tomorrow.
Really?
Yeah.
And I was also learning French
on my headphones...
at the same time.
No, you weren't.
I swear, on Ricky Martin's
sexuality, I swear.
Okay, what else were you doing?
I got freaked out after the
third time the lights went out.
So I said to myself, "Hey, man,
I'm gonna make a run for it."
And I ran, I got tangled on her,
and now I'm here.
On a side note, I'm super high.
There it-- there it is,
there it is, he's high.
Side note for me, I was a little
bit into that sexually.
Don't encourage him.
( GROANING )
Oh, my god! Is he waking up?
Hey! Uh, Dean Arnold?
Dean Arnold?
Who are you firing?
Who are you firing!
Jesus, take it down a notch.
( STOMACH GROWLING )
Oh...
I don't think that noise
came from his body.
Oh-- oh, that hurt a little.
No, it's fine.
Agh!
Gene?
Oh, god! Oh, it's time.
What time?
Shit o'clock... oh my god.
Oh-- oh, god!
Can you all-- can you all
hum or something?
Ah! Eduardo!
Ah!
Ah!
No! No, that sounds worse!
That sounds worse than
what's about to happen.
( ALL HUMMING )
( FLY UNZIPS )
Oh! Oh! Oh, no!
Okay... oh, god!
It's happening.
Billie, hold my hand!
Agh!
( CHOIR MUSIC PLAYING )
I have a rip!
( KEYS JINGLING )
It's out.
I did it.
Gene! Gene!
Billie...
Gene...
Billie.
Gene.
Did everyone have fun?
Sure...
Did everyone bond?
Not really.
Turns out it was me...
in the library...
with the shit...
I hope those aren't your
last words.
Tell my story, Bill.
What?
Tell my stor--
[BLEEP]!
We gotta get her
to the hospital!
We gotta get her out of here!
What do we do?
Okay, the key. Eduardo!
No.
No. Pamela?
Timothy.
No.
Eduardo!
Who are you?
Pamela!
Hm.
Get the key!
Oh, come on!
Okay, okay.
Shit!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
No, no, no, no, no!
( SQUISHING )
I get that.
( SQUISHING )
Holy sh--
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Call an ambulance!
Call an ambulance!
I'll take it from here.
Dr. Lowe? What are you
doing here?
What does it matter?
The woman I love is dying.
Now take your poopy hands
off of her!
I just saved her li--
You saved my life.
Yes, yes, I did.
What, Eduardo? What?
Uh, Dean Martin or whatever,
woke up.
Are you coming?
Yeah, it's ju--
Now!
She didn't even wipe, buddy.
Eduardo!
Didn't even wash her hands.
He's old.
He's crazy.
Please, somebody call
an ambulance!
Dean Arnold...
who are you letting go?
Me.
( ALL GASPING )
Oh, I'm gonna miss, you know,
whoever that is.
Eduardo.
Yes, I found out earlier.
Why do you think
I cold-cocked him?
Dean Arnold fired me...
in the classroom...
because of sexual
harassment with a minor.
That's disgusting.
You just stuck your
hand into a pile of shit.
What's the word, little turd?
Too soon. JK. Simmons.
Hey, where'd you go?
You ghosted so hard.
Oh, right, yeah... I went back
to run the family business...
the Oreo factory.
My brother Beau and I, we never
really got along...
and so we decided to
split the business--
Oh, I can't get into the whole
story right now.
I just shit a giant key
out of my butthole.
But maybe later.
All right, I'll let you rest.
Oh, could we have a minute?
Just for a second.
Why is he mean-mugging me?
Did you do something shitty?
Good one.
Thanks.
Hey, do you still have your job?
Yeah, he fired Bea.
Bea? Doesn't sound familiar.
The British woman, we've been
hanging out with her all night.
No... no clue.
Are you feeling okay?
Yeah, I wasn't... and then,
short story, I was.
Feeling good, because they
gave me a-drugs.
A-drugs?
And I didn't just have one.
I had-- I had a family of them.
Hey! Everyone had a really
good time, Gene.
Liar.
I love you, Gene.
I love you, too, Miss Charlotte.
Really, I don't like that name.
Why?
It's a stupid name
for stupid people.
Yeah, you're right, only bitches
are named...
Charlotte.
Charlotte.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
Ugh... come on, guys.
Litter bugs, god dang it.
Oh--
What are you doing? I was
throwing that in the trash.
Oh.
There's a maggot in it.
Oh.
Okay.
Thought it was an apple
for the teacher.
See-- see you next... yeah.
See ya next year, Gene.
Helen Hunt?
[BILLIE] Take a... train!
[GENE] Train!
Can you hear it?
Yeah, I hear it.
It's kind of like...
gahng-gah-gangha-gahng!
Gahng-gahng-gahng-gahng-
gangh-gangh!
Mm-hm, mm-hm, dang-dah-dang
dang-dang-dang!
Dang-dang-dang-dang-dang!
Gahng-gah-gahng-gahng-gahng!
Psyche, I can't hear it,
you're crazy.
together because you are all...
implicated in Mr. Body's
dastardly blackmail!
Did none of you deduce that the
others were involved, too?
( THUNDER CRASHING )
Ones who are dead
in the other room.
I bet it was Mrs. Peacock.
I would never trust a bird.
( LOUD SNORING )
Hedra!
Can you not see I'm watching
what's turning out to be...
the greatest movie of all time?
( SNORING CONTINUES )
Hedra!
Hedra!
Agh!
Oh, god.
I just had a dream
I was a pregnant seahorse.
Oh, my god, me, too.
Oh, my gosh... Hedra, I didn't
know you liked...
anyone other than me.
Oh, I'm sorry, G.G.
I'm off for the summer, so
it's strictly dick-ly 'til fall.
School's out, you know?
What do you mean, school's out?
K.I.T.
But I like it and I didn't like
it at first, but now I do...
and I think we should all stay
because I want us to.
I'm Dev, by the way.
I know. You've introduced
yourself so many times.
Where are you go-- no! Hedra!
I'm right here! No!
Don't-- okay, it's happening.
[GENE]
Stop looking at me.
I hate both of you so much!
( THUNDER ROLLING )
( KNOCK ON DOOR )
Mm, mm-hm.
All right, bye-bye.
Yes, yes!
You wanted to see me?
Ah, and now I do.
Yeah, it's a great joke.
Hi, sorry!
Oh, hi!
I'm trying to fix Paula.
Oh, we're not hugging.
That's what I named the printer.
Okay.
Well, have a seat, Ms. Brown.
You can move my bicycle if you
need a little extra room.
Sure, I'll--
Put her over there.
Just anywhere?
Lift with your back.
There we go!
All right.
This is just an informal
end-of-the-year evaluation...
that I like to do.
Dean Arnold's office. Oh, hi,
is this the I.T. guy?
Ah, thank Jerusalem.
All right, question number one;
do you like being a teacher?
Ah, no, I don't like it.
I love it. Ha!
The printer's acting up...
It's a joke.
ever since I spilled the
slightest amount of soup on it.
Do you feel as though you could
do anything else with your life?
Uh, you're not gonna fire me,
are you?
Oh, no! No, no, no.
Oh, okay.
That's crazy.
No, I don't know what kind
of soup...
Orange?
Do you have a backup plan...
if teaching does not work out?
I don't. It really feels like
you, uh... are gonna fire me.
Oh, my god, oh, my god, it's
making this horrible sound.
Hold on, I'm gonna fix this now.
May I just say something?
This'll do it.
I'd really rather you did not.
I just want to say that...
Hold on.
Even if I could do something...
Ow! Hold on.
else, I wouldn't, because
I was born to teach.
Teaching is in my blood,
I have teacher blood.
Oh, no, no, no, no, there's a
woman here...
she's giving a very lengthy
speech.
She has some type of blood
disease.
No, I don't have a blood
disease. I just--
I'm so sorry, I'm on a very
important business call.
Okay.
I'm so sorry, there's quite a
bit of soup on it now.
Okay.
I meant no. I-- I--
Thank you for letting
me come pack, Dana.
I know it's been a little
tense...
since the whole sleepwalking
incident.
And I appreciate how well
you're handling it.
[DANA] Oh, you're welcome,
Wilhemina.
Um-- and you know, maybe
next year...
we can start to be friends
again.
Oh, you're coming back?
Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Well, I hear they're
making a lotta cutbacks.
I mean, first years are
usually first to go.
( KNOCK ON DOOR )
( GULPS )
Who's that?
I don't know.
That could be a predator.
You're holding a knife.
Don't answer that.
I'm not expecting anyone.
"To Billie and Dana"!
Uh, that's a federal offense
to read someone else's mail.
It's addressed to both of us,
like we're a couple.
Ugh...
"You've been invited to an
End-of-the-Year Honors Party...
at the Library tonight...
dress slutty slash old timey."
Is this a thing?
If it is, I've never heard
of it. Stay on your side.
Well, I doubt they invite
teachers...
who aren't coming back
next year.
You wanna check it out together?
I'm pointing a knife at you.
( THUNDER CRASHING )
Your loss... I'm gonna party.
My god, is that how you dance?
Yeah.
( JOINT CRACKS )
Ow, ow, my hip. Ow.
( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING )
Hey, guys.
Am I early?
I came on time as to avoid
the cats and dogs outside.
So no one dressed slutty
and old-timey?
Oh, I did! And I'm already
having fun!
As much as I loved the bike
ride over here--
Oh, by the way, I, uh...
I got a new bike.
I know, I moved it.
What is going on here?
I thought you said this
was mandatory, Timothy.
That's what the letter
that I got said.
I got a letter, too.
Who would hang chains
on the bookshelves...
that aren't chaining
anything up?
Welcome to the
Murder Mystery Escape Room!
Oh, are you serious? Come on,
this turnout sucks butt.
I invited like a hundred
and a half people.
You did this?
Yes.
All right, you guys wanna
get out of here?
Yes.
Of course.
Wait, no, no, no!
I promise it'll be fun!
Wait. Timothy, you're gonna
be Professor Grapes.
Oh, I've always wanted
to be a professor.
You can be the sexy maid.
Ooh, I love sex!
Billie, you can be
Miss Charlotte.
No, that's a stupid name. Stop.
Dean Arnold, you're my favorite,
Colonel Mayonnaise.
No, no, no, no, I'm not.
And you're Mrs. Pussywillow.
Oh, I love pussies!
I have a Scottish Fold.
Okay, I think I speak
for almost everyone here...
when I say that no one's
into this plan.
You have 60 minutes to figure
out all the clues...
and unlock all the locks...
including this lock
on this very door...
or else you'll never escape
the room!
Your time starts now.
No!
No!
Don't swallow it, you idiot!
Oh, my god,
she's choking on it!
What are we all yelling about?
( SWALLOWS )
Oh... oh, they make that look
so easy in kids' movies.
How are we supposed
to get out now, Gene?
You figure out the clues and
then you use the-- you use the--
Right... right.
( THUNDER CRASHING )
Agh!
Somebody do something!
Oh, I thought that would work.
Wait a minute... Windy! Windy
has a key! Where's Windy?
( BOOKS FALLING )
My office! Windy! Windy!
Oh, Windy, thank god
you're here.
Do you have a spare key?
[MAN]
Windy left already.
Do I know you?
Agh!
I mean, yes... you do.
Um, you recommended I not be
hired by your colleague.
Do you work here now?
Did you hire him?
I did.
Great.
Welcome to-- welcome aboard.
I'm having so much fun.
Ugh... it's going
to voicemail...
campus security must be
gone already.
Okay, so, let me get this
right, okay, Gene?
Okay.
Okay?
So, you invited all of us
to a party...
and then you locked us in a room
so that we would bond so much...
that we wouldn't want
to leave school?
Sure.
Okay, no!
Don't just say "sure" casually
like it's some normal plan.
Look, okay, I was watching
a movie last night...
where there was a bunch
of people in it...
with names like the one's
that I gave you guys...
and they were all locked
in a house...
and they had like the best
frickin' night of their lives.
Okay, and I can't remember the
name of the movie right now.
Clue?
Uh, it's a murder mystery,
they all drink soup in it.
Clue.
It's monkey's brain, actually.
Ooh my, the soup's delicious.
Clue.
Tim Curly's in it--
I'm the maid!
Ugh, tits.
Gross.
So, you were hired to replace
someone...
in the history department,
but you don't know who it is?
Nope.
Is it me?
I honestly don't remember you.
I'm Billie Brown. I guest
lectured in your class...
and you recommended they
not hire me...
and you fined me for smoking.
Well, you are pretty smoking.
I know... thank you.
You're very welcome.
Uh, hey, sorry to interrupt...
that thing...
but Professor Cal, I'm wondering
if you could come help us out?
I would love to help you, Dean.
Oh, I can help, too.
No-- no, don't worry
about that, Billie.
You see, Professor Cal
or Prof Cal...
he's kind of great at this
sort of thing.
Yes, well, I'm a survivalist.
I was on Naked.
On what?
A little television show,
Naked and Afraid?
But I was only one of those
things.
It was naked.
Right.
Um, I think Windy has some
tools, so...
I'll just look for 'em, 'cause
I can jimmy the lock, I think.
If he can't figure--
( THUNDER CRASHING )
( BEA SCREAMING )
Billie is the murderer!
I'm not the murderer, Bea.
No one murdered.
I just got a screwdriver.
I'll text my boy, Bodhi.
He can open anything.
We used to do banks jobs
together...
to fuel our endless summer.
Oh, wow.
Did he just act like
he lived Point Break?
Yeah, that's the plot
of Point Break.
Hah-hah, he's just out
surfin'... my guy.
He's around. He'll be here
in a couple hours.
Great.
What should we do until then?
We could switch jackets.
Why would I do that with you?
For... fun.
Okay.
Actually, I don't want to.
Oh.
Who's ready for another drinky
or a cracker?
I wish there was a spread like
this in the Bolivian rainforest.
I used to chew tree bark and
call it "jungle gum".
I never have I ever
had this many drinks.
[TIMOTHY] This is fun.
Uh, Timothy, that is not how
that game works.
Tell us another story.
Well, so there I was,
I was naked--
Bunch of monsters.
I spent all this time making
the coolest escape room...
and instead they're playing
a child's drinking game.
I might not have a job.
Are you listening to
my important problem?
One day you're living the dream,
and then it's cutbacks and Cal!
I don't understand your story
at all.
But I don't need to be
caught up.
He's replacing someone
in the history department, Gene.
That could be me.
Ooh! A mystery!
Okay, let's gather everyone
together...
I'll solve it and then
everyone'll be like, Gene...
you're so good at mysteries,
let's never leave school.
That's not the point.
The point is, no one leaves
this room...
until I know I have a job
next year or they're--
Yeah, say it, Billie.
They'll be in trouble with me.
In trouble enough to kill?
Stop talking about your
stupid mystery!
You need to help me
figure this out.
( STOMACH RUMBLES )
Ow... ow, ow.
I'm sorry, that's too hard.
No, no, no, it's my stomach,
okay?
It's not agreeing with the key.
All right, Billie, I'll do it.
I'm gonna take on the case of
the possibly unemployed woman.
Thank yo--
Oh, god!
I have major key belly.
( KEYS JINGLING )
Can you hear it?
Yeah.
Does it sound like Christmas?
( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING )
Never have I ever been stung by
a bee and my name's Bea.
Isn't that funny?
Your voice sounds made up.
Never have I ever had a moment
of fear, doubt or regret.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
[BILLIE] Cheers.
[CAL] Cheers.
Cheers.
[CAL] Cheers.
Cheers.
[BILLIE] Oh...
( CLEARS THROAT )
Never have I ever had to fire
someone in this room.
Mm, like you.
( GASPS )
( THUNDER CRASHING )
( STRUGGLING )
( THUD )
( GASPS )
Agh!
Agh!
Agh!
Everybody relax!
He's fine, he's just passed out.
That's not how you take a pulse.
Yes, it is.
Who punched him?
[BILLIE]
Who punched him?
You're jumping ahead,
Miss Charlotte.
Don't call me that.
The real question is,
who had a motive?
All of you!
( ALL GASPING )
You all want to keep your
jobs, so you all had a motive.
But who revealed that one
of you would lose your job?
Timothy!
But who gave Timothy the
loose juice to make him talk?
Bea!
But who invited Bea.
Me!
( GASPING )
Well, I didn't-- I mean,
I didn't do that.
( STOMACH GROWLING )
Ugh! My tummy!
Billie, I'm too weak. I don't
know how much time I have left.
That's okay. Hey, Cal, when's
your friend coming?
I don't know, my phone died.
Wanna go in my office
and smoke a J?
That's my office!
And no drug-doing!
Ah-ite, then I'm gonna bounce.
Excuse me.
Bounce?
We're locked in--
What?
It might calm you down, dear.
Would you shut up,
you stupid bitch!
All you do is-- I'm sorry,
I always lash out at you.
I just-- something
about your fac--
Would you wake up,
you bike-riding asshole!
[CAL]
Yo! Check this out!
Well, I'll see you monkeys on
the other side of the jungle.
Peace.
[TIMOTHY] Wait, wait, wait--
No, I think that's a bad idea.
Why are you going in two-feet
first?
'Cause I'm not a goddamn
amateur.
Peace!
He just keeps saying peace.
Close it as I'm leaving.
I think that leads
to the furnace.
Pay-ce!
Bye.
( LOUD CLANGING )
[CAL] I'm all right!
Oh.
( FURNACE IGNITING )
[CAL] Oh, no!
So you're telling me that you
don't remember five minutes ago.
When I said never have I ever
had to fire someone in this...
room, and then you drank and
threw whiskey at Dean Arnold?
Okay, the point of that story
is, there's no conclusion.
I will make out with you.
Hey, no, stop!
I will!
Please don't! Please don't!
Please stop! Stop, stop,
stop, no, no, no!
( THUNDER CRASHING )
Ugh!
It's getting painful.
Do you have anything
that settles key belly?
Let's see what Billie has
over here.
Okay.
A hernia pillow, a cloudy
baggie of vitamins...
Billie is such a loser.
Don't you just love her?
Not really.
Uh-oh.
Oh, where is the library
bathroom?
Just passed the door
with the giant lock on it.
Holy sh-- no, no, no.
I know you know something!
Tell me or there
will be consequences!
What's happening?
( THUNDER CRASHING )
Windy, stop!
Oh, sorry, my bad...
my ear buds must have gotten
caught on your neck.
Goddamn you, Eduardo!
Where did you come from?
I was in the back
of the library.
I was studying for my final
tomorrow.
Really?
Yeah.
And I was also learning French
on my headphones...
at the same time.
No, you weren't.
I swear, on Ricky Martin's
sexuality, I swear.
Okay, what else were you doing?
I got freaked out after the
third time the lights went out.
So I said to myself, "Hey, man,
I'm gonna make a run for it."
And I ran, I got tangled on her,
and now I'm here.
On a side note, I'm super high.
There it-- there it is,
there it is, he's high.
Side note for me, I was a little
bit into that sexually.
Don't encourage him.
( GROANING )
Oh, my god! Is he waking up?
Hey! Uh, Dean Arnold?
Dean Arnold?
Who are you firing?
Who are you firing!
Jesus, take it down a notch.
( STOMACH GROWLING )
Oh...
I don't think that noise
came from his body.
Oh-- oh, that hurt a little.
No, it's fine.
Agh!
Gene?
Oh, god! Oh, it's time.
What time?
Shit o'clock... oh my god.
Oh-- oh, god!
Can you all-- can you all
hum or something?
Ah! Eduardo!
Ah!
Ah!
No! No, that sounds worse!
That sounds worse than
what's about to happen.
( ALL HUMMING )
( FLY UNZIPS )
Oh! Oh! Oh, no!
Okay... oh, god!
It's happening.
Billie, hold my hand!
Agh!
( CHOIR MUSIC PLAYING )
I have a rip!
( KEYS JINGLING )
It's out.
I did it.
Gene! Gene!
Billie...
Gene...
Billie.
Gene.
Did everyone have fun?
Sure...
Did everyone bond?
Not really.
Turns out it was me...
in the library...
with the shit...
I hope those aren't your
last words.
Tell my story, Bill.
What?
Tell my stor--
[BLEEP]!
We gotta get her
to the hospital!
We gotta get her out of here!
What do we do?
Okay, the key. Eduardo!
No.
No. Pamela?
Timothy.
No.
Eduardo!
Who are you?
Pamela!
Hm.
Get the key!
Oh, come on!
Okay, okay.
Shit!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
No, no, no, no, no!
( SQUISHING )
I get that.
( SQUISHING )
Holy sh--
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Call an ambulance!
Call an ambulance!
I'll take it from here.
Dr. Lowe? What are you
doing here?
What does it matter?
The woman I love is dying.
Now take your poopy hands
off of her!
I just saved her li--
You saved my life.
Yes, yes, I did.
What, Eduardo? What?
Uh, Dean Martin or whatever,
woke up.
Are you coming?
Yeah, it's ju--
Now!
She didn't even wipe, buddy.
Eduardo!
Didn't even wash her hands.
He's old.
He's crazy.
Please, somebody call
an ambulance!
Dean Arnold...
who are you letting go?
Me.
( ALL GASPING )
Oh, I'm gonna miss, you know,
whoever that is.
Eduardo.
Yes, I found out earlier.
Why do you think
I cold-cocked him?
Dean Arnold fired me...
in the classroom...
because of sexual
harassment with a minor.
That's disgusting.
You just stuck your
hand into a pile of shit.
What's the word, little turd?
Too soon. JK. Simmons.
Hey, where'd you go?
You ghosted so hard.
Oh, right, yeah... I went back
to run the family business...
the Oreo factory.
My brother Beau and I, we never
really got along...
and so we decided to
split the business--
Oh, I can't get into the whole
story right now.
I just shit a giant key
out of my butthole.
But maybe later.
All right, I'll let you rest.
Oh, could we have a minute?
Just for a second.
Why is he mean-mugging me?
Did you do something shitty?
Good one.
Thanks.
Hey, do you still have your job?
Yeah, he fired Bea.
Bea? Doesn't sound familiar.
The British woman, we've been
hanging out with her all night.
No... no clue.
Are you feeling okay?
Yeah, I wasn't... and then,
short story, I was.
Feeling good, because they
gave me a-drugs.
A-drugs?
And I didn't just have one.
I had-- I had a family of them.
Hey! Everyone had a really
good time, Gene.
Liar.
I love you, Gene.
I love you, too, Miss Charlotte.
Really, I don't like that name.
Why?
It's a stupid name
for stupid people.
Yeah, you're right, only bitches
are named...
Charlotte.
Charlotte.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
Ugh... come on, guys.
Litter bugs, god dang it.
Oh--
What are you doing? I was
throwing that in the trash.
Oh.
There's a maggot in it.
Oh.
Okay.
Thought it was an apple
for the teacher.
See-- see you next... yeah.
See ya next year, Gene.
Helen Hunt?
[BILLIE] Take a... train!
[GENE] Train!
Can you hear it?
Yeah, I hear it.
It's kind of like...
gahng-gah-gangha-gahng!
Gahng-gahng-gahng-gahng-
gangh-gangh!
Mm-hm, mm-hm, dang-dah-dang
dang-dang-dang!
Dang-dang-dang-dang-dang!
Gahng-gah-gahng-gahng-gahng!
Psyche, I can't hear it,
you're crazy.