I Spy (1965–1968): Season 1, Episode 2 - A Cup of Kindness - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Right up in the stands.

A little tight red dress
on, big picture hat.

Anyway, every
time I get an easy set

up for a smash, I
would look over at it.

I'd just pop a bundle down.

Or yawn.

That's how come I was hitting
so many of them over the fence.

Sir, I wonder-- let me do that.

You bring us up some
cans of beer, will you?

Yes, sir.



In case you were wondering, that's
how come he broke my service twice.

Yeah, well, the same thing
happened to me in basketball.

I was this great looking
chick up in the stands.

And every time I'd go up on the
jump shots, you would pop a bubble.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

She popped a bubble, huh?

Yeah.

Up to that point, I was averaging

about 20 points a game.

Our coach, Mr. Litwack,
didn't care for it too much.

Yeah, I imagine.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, fellas.

[MUSIC PLAYING]



[BELL RINGING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GUNSHOTS].

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOT].

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wait till the boys back at the
office hear about this, Kelly.

You must be leading a fat
life to fall for a pair of shoes.

You know Tricky Dick.

Know him? He almost flunked me in
advanced blowing up suspension Bridges.

Meet my instructor from
indoctrination school, Kelly Robinson.

I'm glad to see you.

You're going to get yourself killed
with those practical jokes someday.

You know, you bulled
that to me in class

one time, I'd like to
shot my leg right off.

Scotty, meet Russ Connelly,
partner of me teacher.

Scotty, I'm glad to meet you.

Well, what are you doing in Hong Kong?

Vacation.

Well, that's great.

You picked the right place for it.

We'll make it swing, will we not?

Yes, we will.

Really a vacation, or--

Well, there was a pretty
rough assignment in Hawaii.

I got a little banged up.

They asked me where I
wanted to go for my vacation.

I said Hong Kong.

Right.

While I was at it, the Pentagon said,

deliver this, which makes
me a diplomatic pouch of a kind

who could do with a small
drink to make us a toast.

Well, we got some beer coming right up.

See you later.

[MUSIC PLAYING].

They talk about you in
the department, Scotty.

Yeah, what do they say?

Awkward things.

Rhodes Scholar, I hear.

Yeah.

New assignment, Cal?

I don't know.

I got to decode it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING].

It was high school, Paul, then.

And then in college, I was recruited.

When was this?

Four years ago.

There's a funny story behind that, too.

Because in college, I studied languages.

And it turned out that
my professor of Sanskrit

was a recruiter for the department.

You're kidding.

No, no.

What happened was, one
day, I got an assignment,

which I thought was just something
to translate for a following Tuesday.

But it turned out to be a sales
pitch to join the department.

And he made it sound so beautiful, too.

Listen, short days, short hours, and
long pay, and a Jim Dandy adventure.

How do you say Jim Dandy in Sanskrit?

In a dead language.

[KNOCKING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[MUSIC PLAYING].

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Have a nice day, sir.

Have a nice day.

Now then, how about that toast?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What about it?

What about what?

Your assignment, Cal.

Oh, I suppose so in a way.

Now then, here is to old
Russ and to old Langsine.

Time for that.

Right.

We'll take a cup of kindness.

Indeed, we will.

To life.

You drink up, and we'll
show you old Hong Kong.

Oh, hey.

Mm.

Sorry. - It's OK.

It's OK.

You better wash that off with
cold water in the bathroom.

You're going to smell like a barfly.

You a little edgy, Cal?

Well, maybe a little.

I was up for a tennis match
today, and I haven't come down yet.

Is that guy really your
instructor and all that?

Yeah.

What?

What are you going to do about it?

About what?

You know what I'm talking about, Robinson.

I'll do what I'm told.

Kill him.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC].

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Was I right?

You sure were.

It's spread all over the place
since I last saw it 10 years ago.

It's so fantastic, it can't be described.

It has to be seen.

Did you ever see this?

Did anybody ever point this out to you?

Point what out?

[MUSIC PLAYING].

There's something in there.

The airstrip is built right out in the bay.

Kelly.

Yeah?

What's the trouble?

What's bothering you?

Nothing.

Well, a lot of things coming back on me.

Like what things?

Seeing you, I guess, triggered it.

What are you trying to say?

What brought me to this job,
what's gotten me through it so far.

You weren't just a good teacher, Rass.

You were something else.

I've stayed alive because
of what you taught me.

Fine.

Something you said once I never forgot.

In espionage, we look upon
the face of evil every day.

Must all be on guard
not to become corrupted.

By facing evil with the
greater evil of our own.

Have you become corrupt, Kelly?

Yeah, I guess I have.

Are you going to kill me?

Are you?

I know what was in
that letter I brought you.

Didn't take me long to
find the code under the six.

Can you do it?

Can you kill me?

All you have to do is shove.

About as much energy as punching
a pack of cigarettes out of a machine.

Can you do it, Kelly?

[music playing]

[music playing]

That's all you can call it, a sellout.

I sold out to the other side.

In the trade, it's called treason.

They tortured me.

I didn't have guts enough
to bite on cyanide capsules.

You've seen men beg for their lives.

I screamed for mine.

That's what I did, Kelly.

Like what you're doing now?

Yeah.

Like what I'm doing now.

Like what I'm doing now.

Yeah.

Well, that's--
you're the fellow that

taught us agony is an
occupational hazard.

We got to be prepared for it.

I caved in.

I don't know why.

It had been a rough assignment.

I told myself I was
suffering from battle fatigue.

And I tried to live with it.

Yeah.

Well, most of what I
know I learned from you.

So I figure I owe you something.

I'm not in a position to argue that.

That's right.

How they knew about it, I'll never know.

What they got from me was a little beauty,

a component for a
miniaturized weapons control.

I was delivering it to the man in Honolulu.

The department doesn't believe
I gave it up because I cracked.

They think I sold out.

That's why they handed me the short straw.

That's why.

OK, I'll get a drink of water.

I'll get it for you.

I don't want you to
complain about the service.

Semper fidelis, semper alert.

Yeah.

Once I was good in there, wasn't I, Kel?

You were good.

Thank you.

You teaching that?

No, it's just that we're
short of paper cups, gin.

You said something about a component?

Yeah.

Miraculous little thing.

But with a flaw.

Bright Boyd could
study it, find its heartbeat,

and figure out a lot of
things about our weapons.

control complex.

Any wonder the department wants me dead?

You tell them about the torture?

How long have you been
with the department, Scotty?

I told you, four years.

Not long enough.

Not long enough to know
how they play this kind of thing.

All I got from them was a slap on
the haunch and happy vacation, fella.

They want me dead
anonymously 10,000 miles away.

So why bother with
questions and reasons and soul

searchings when all it needs
is a death sentence and code

to be executed by an old pal?

Yeah.

Russ?

Yeah?

So far, you haven't saved your life.

If you're going to do
it, you better do it now.

I can't do it alone.

You've got to help me.

How?

If I get the piece back,
I think the Pentagon.

will commute my sentence.

I'll still be out of the department,

but at least I go out vertically.

Help me get that component back.

How do we do that?

I've got a thing in my bag.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES].

Try the pocket of the blue Oxford.

There's a trigger mechanism
on the bottom left-hand corner.

Precise, non-functional replica of
the component they tore me apart for.

OK.

It's a dummy prototype, a phony.

Now, what's it good for?

Good enough to get the real one back,
good enough to prove my innocence,

good enough to save my life.

Help me.

[SIGHS].

How?

We'll have to take a walk.

Where?

I'll show you.

I'm an arm side by side.

Tied hand and foot, if you want.

No, nothing so dramatic.

Just you in the middle.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING].

Just wanted to show you
I could have walked away.

Safe deposit box for all
the tainted loot of the Orient.

Front for every curtain
there is, from bamboo to silk

to iron.

Central distributing point.

And its cover, export of everything
from stove Polish to tractors.

Mostly legitimate.

And somewhere inside
there, the weapons

component waiting
to be trans-shipped.

How do you know?

Tell him, Calum.

Tell him what?

Tell him about how I've been around.

Tell him about all the
stoolies and betrayers I know.

I bought the information.

A big building.

We got to find a teeny tiny component.

Needle in a haystack.

Hey, it's an awful lot of trouble.

Is it that difficult, a
small precious object

to be kept safe,
which suggests a safe?

Or the possibility it's not there at all.

I just said.

Look, Calum.

If what you say is true, then I've had it.

Me, not you.

I knew what was in that letter, right?

And still I delivered it to you.

I could have run.

But I came to you for help.

I ask you again.

Help me.

Help me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING].

[SIGHS].

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Good morning.

More than good.

It's wonderful just by your
being there behind your wonderful

counter.

Will you wait your turn, please?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Please forgive me.

Go right ahead with
whatever it is you were doing.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Now, may I assist you, sir?

Oh, yes, my dear.

Charming.

Charming, charming.

There are people waiting
who has urgent matters.

Oh, none more urgent
than my own, I assure you.

These tennis rackets.

I beg your pardon, sir?

Tennis rackets.

To be boxed or crated or
whatever it is that you exotic people

do when you ship things to
an address that I will give you.

We don't do that sort of thing, sir.

What sort of thing don't you do, my dear?

Items of that sort.

I suggest there are
places where, for tourists,

they wrap and package parcels.

You are in the export business, miss.

Yes.

Well, then this is not a parcel.

These are tennis rackets.

Tennis rackets, tools, tools of my trade.

You do ship tools, do you not?

Yes, but we don't-- Yes,
and I am not a tourist.

So you see, I've destroyed
your entire objection.

No, you haven't, sir.

Yes, I have, I have,
I have, totally, totally.

I'll get you the address.

What you will get me is
the manager, my dear.

That's not necessary.

It is necessary.

I'm sorry, manager?

Please.

Manager?

Please.

Manager?

Please.

Manager?

Oh, what are you-- please, my
dear, don't stand there like that.

Get the manager for me.

I'm the manager.

Yes.

Uh, well, sir, I'm sorry to
be shouting in your store,

but by the same token, I must protest.

What do you want?

Uh, well, it's about
these tennis rackets, sir.

And?

Uh, yes, well, actually,
since you advertise yourselves

as shippers and
exporters, I-- I demand, sir.

Demand?

Uh, well, perhaps, actually,
the word demand is a little

different from what I had in mind.

Uh, since you would be the word
implore or entreat would be more in line.

Uh, mention a sum, sir, if you will.

Any sum that seems fair to
you, bearing in mind, of course,

at all times, that I expect
an expert job of packing

to ensure these implements
reaching their destination.

[gunfire]

[screaming].

[gunfire]

[music playing]

[gunfire]

[gunfire]

[music playing]

[gunshot]

You sent that an incredible thing.

I can't tell you how really stupid
of me, uh, fireworks for my nephew.

It's his birthday.

He's the son of my sister,
and they're visiting here,

and I figured, well, what more
natural gift than some of the

extraordinary
little things that you

extraordinary people
are so extraordinary with.

And I will be delighted, sir, to
pay any damages that you wish

to, uh, uh, uh, send me to kill.

I'm-- I'm staying, actually,
at the, uh-- at the, uh-- No!

--Small Moon Hotel.

And if you would
kindly-- I'm going, sir.

[music playing]

Hey, you case it?

Yeah.

And?

It's there, all right.

I know where it is.

I guess the least we can do is get it back.

Yeah.

[music playing].

[music playing]

This wall backs the room where the safe is.

The outside wall's on the alley.

It's about 20 yards in from the street.

Steel plate shutters.

What do you think, Scotty?

A couple of blobs of plastic on the hinges.

Mm-hmm.

The safe was your baby, Russ.

You still good at that?

I soak my fingers in hot oil every
night right after I brush my teeth.

I could feel your pulse through concrete.

That's a man of many talents.

Everything I know,
safe-wise, that is,

I learned from a
virtuoso in Alcatraz.

There was a teacher there.

He's as good as they come.

You better believe it.

I know you say that. I believe it.

[sighs]

All right.

Tomorrow morning, then.

We go to work?

[music playing].

[music playing]

That's a long fall.

It can happen.

A man makes a mistake.

Wrong move.

Yeah, that's a long fall, Russ.

I'll let you know when.

Great.

[music playing].

[music playing].

[music playing].

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

Ah, Charm.

Positively charmed that you
remember me, and flattered.

You are not easily forgotten, sir.

Oh, there you go, laying it on me.

You people have put
up with such a fool as me.

No, no, no.

No.

Don't try to deny it now.

[music playing]

[music playing]

What could be more idiotic than to
walk in here with a box of firecrackers--

It was stupid, sir.

There, you see.

Who but a member of a race of
such infinite grace and politeness

would refrain from calling me a nitwit
and a baboon right to my very face?

[laughs]

How do you do that?

I don't have to answer,
really, because it--

just that centuries of culture
staggers the imagination.

[music playing]

[speaking Chinese].

[speaking Chinese]

[speaking Chinese]

[music playing]

[speaking Chinese]

[speaking Chinese]

And, uh, well,
actually, as for the

tennis rackets that
I left here, well, I--

I want you to have them.

Now, I'm not going to put in any
claim for them or anything like that.

It's obvious that they've just
vanished into someone's possession.

[speaking Chinese].

[music playing]

Uh, what I mean to say is, uh, I
think it would be wonderful, uh,

actually, uh, well, uh, it's no matter.

In any event, I do want you to have them.

Uh, perhaps, uh, in
consideration for that,

do we, uh, one
evening, we might, uh--.

Miss, you're not listening to me.

You're still angry with me about
my idiocy of yesterday, aren't you?

Well, really, no, that's not fair.
It couldn't happen to anyone.

I mean, here I was, I just walked
in, I had a box of firecrackers, uh, for

my nephew, just like this one.

Uh, I bought him another bunch.
There's no sense that he should have to

suffer from my idiocy.

[music playing].

It's time. What's holding Kelly up?

And, uh, I suppose what happened
was, uh, there was a piece of fuse sticking

out of the bag or something,

and all that, uh, all
that happened was

my cigarette happened
to touch the burn.

[firecrackers exploding]

[screaming]

[firecrackers exploding]

[firecrackers exploding]

[firecrackers exploding]

You fool! Just get out of here!

What do you mean by fool?

Fool!

Just get out of here!

Just because I make a little booboo,
well, two as a matter of fact. Unhand

me, sir, I'll have my
constellation calling you.

You shouldn't have done that, sir.
I've taken lessons.

[grunting]

All right. All right, now, I really am mad.

[grunting].

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting].

[crashing]

It's all right, doll.

I think I got a chance.

Might makes right.

Come on.

Got it.

Don't gloat over it. Come on.

Just a minute. Just one minute.

Listen.

Just about one fucking picking minute!

I think Kelly's trying
to tell us something.

[clattering]

Got it.

You know, I believe
that crime does not pay.

Just doesn't pay.

He agrees.

Well, do talk. More psych-eye.

He agrees. He agrees.

Just doesn't pay.

[clattering]

Well, one good thing,
and the only good thing.

Kelly must have gotten away.

Hold it. Hold it!

I said hold it!

Don't break it off altogether.

Sir, it does not bend in that direction.

Yes, sir!

[thudding].

Sir, who are these people I
have to share my quarters with?

Sir, I demand!

Well, you blew it.

I blew it?

Does a man have to hold off
Genghis Khan and his cavalry?

Listen, a four-year-old child could
have held off those dancing elves.

Fortunately, this is not the worst
fighting mess you've ever gotten us into.

Oh, no?

No, because my teacher is
with us, and he is the master.

Russ, look.

It's now time for some
practical application...

of some of the great theories
I have heard you expound...

on how to get out of a locked room.

Russ, come on, Master.

He's not answering.

He's thinking!

He's examining the situation.

Aren't you, Russ?

That's what I'm doing.

Right. Okay. Now, here we go.
Short or sweet.

We are in a locked room.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Will you cut that out?

Oh, Russ, I've got great faith in you.
Don't fail me now, man.

Will you tell this nitwit
just what we're gonna do?

Maybe get shot.

And then what?

No, Russ. No more jokes. Go on now.

I know you're better than that.
I know you've got something up your sleeve.

Let's hear it. Go.

If we're lucky...

Right, right. I'm listening.

They'll just shoot us right away.
Get it over with. Done. Finished.

And what if our luck for the day changes?

Oh, let's knock it off, huh? You know
as well as I do what they're gonna do.

I've been through it, and it's not pretty.

Those people...

We're not dealing with stupidity, gents.
They know we're agents.

What are you doing?

Taking inventory.

Beautiful.

All righty.

We have here a couple of crates of...

transistor radios.

There's codfish and dry ice.

Crates of, uh, wooden flutes.

Where?

Right here. What, are you gonna
pipe-Piper your way out of here?

Oh, no, no. Not the flutes.
Not the flutes. The codfish.

Right over there. Star of Hong Kong.
Codfish, Mac and dry ice.

What, are you hungry or what?

The fact that you are agents
of some sort is beyond doubt.

Age? I don't know anything about agents.

All I know is I'm a tourist and a
tennis player, and I've got my rights.

Tell me about them.

Well, uh...

There's a certain amount
of protocol here, you know.

I mean, a tennis player
comes into your export office...

and asks you to export his tennis rackets.

That does not include the
export of the tennis player.

Huh?

Now, look, I confess to
a certain amount of, uh...

clumsiness with regard to the firecrackers.

But I promise you, three fingers
high, that it will not happen again.

Fifteen minutes to talk it over.

To decide whether or not
you tell me who you are.

Who told you to break in here?

And whatever other salable
information you can deliver up...

to make me smile at
you and make me friendly.

Or else what?

One way or another, you'll talk to me.

There are ways to make you talk...

like a fountain that won't be turned off.

Exactly 15 minutes.

I know what they can do.

We're gonna get out of here, man.

It's 20 of 11 now.

We got 15 minutes to do
whatever we have to do by 5 o'clock.

Listen, Russ, get that bag of
fertilizer and open it up, will you?

Hey, Jack, what are you
gonna do, make a bomb or what?

- You better believe it. - Look at this!

Open the box of codfish.

- Ready? - Yeah.

- How you doing? - Ready.

All right.

- Just pour it in. - How much do you want?

A heaping shoebox full.

(Grunting).

How you doing, Kelly?

I'm trying.

- Hey, you know what? - What?

For the first time in my life, I got a
chance to make me a codfish bomb.

And I can't get the codfish out of the box.

No kidding. I need a knife or something.
These nails are too tight.

- I need a... - A lever.

No kidding.
You really need codfish for a bomb?

No, I need the dry ice.

You also need a lever.

We can't throw this thing down
on the ground and break it open.

- These guys will come running in here.
- No.

How about the prototype?
Give me the prototype.

- Come on, Russ.
- You've got to be kidding.

He's not kidding you, Russ. Come on.

Give it to him.

Come on!

You know what this thing is worth.

It's worth our lives, man.
Give me this thing.

I don't know about yours,
but mine is very important.

This is an old, handy,
two-way prototype here.

It has been known to send
weapons screaming into the sky.

It's a very powerful weapon.

- It's a very powerful weapon.
- It's a very powerful weapon.

Take out the fish.

- I'm afraid to hit someone with that.
- Come on.

- Ready? - Ready.

That's enough.

Okay, now, Russ, you have a cigarette.

You got a match.

Now, you do exactly as I say.
Put the cigarette in your mouth.

You will light the cigarette
and take one drag.

And...

Light it.

Give it to me.

You mind telling me now what I did?

Sir, you have been instrumental
in boxing a substance

the constituents of which, even as
we stand here at this very moment,

are being acted
upon by a heaping

dashes of ammonia at
10 degrees centigrade,

thus generating a highly combustible gas.

Of course, it won't blow
down the door or anything,

but it will cause enough
smoke and fire and everything

so that we can get out of here on time.

And now, let's see how far
it burns down in five minutes.

This is how far a cigarette
burns in five minutes.

Is there no limit to the
waterfulness of your mind?

Take a look in the box.

Well, it looks great if you
like that kind of sludge.

Gentlemen, you better find
yourselves a nice hiding place.

In a few minutes, we're going
to fuse ourselves a time bomb.

Yes, we are.

I'm going to go get a drink of water.

Yes, we are.

Yes, we are.

[Door opens].

[Footsteps]

[Door opens].

[Lighter clicks]

[Lighter clicks].

Good luck, gents.

Scotty.

Yeah?

You've done greatness.

We'll see.

Right, Teach?

You did fine.

Russ?

Yeah?

How you doing?

We're going to get out.

That's right.

You got yourself an A in stiff upper lip.

Hey, Kelly.

Huh?

You remember that night in Madrid?

When you stopped traffic in the Plaza?

Sure, I remember.

Answer me something.

How'd you get that
policewoman to do a

flamenco right in the
middle of... Hold it.

[Door opens]

Fifteen minutes.

What is this?

I call for law!

[Gunshot]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Gunshot].

Who you on, chap?

Come on, let's go.

Victoria Creek, diver.

Victoria.

Like I said, driver.

Victoria Creek.

What are you going to do now, teach?

Sell it to the highest bidder?

Yeah, for twice as much as before.

You're troubled, both of you.

You prefer not to go into things.

You prefer not to tolerate the truth.

And when the man is a friend of
yours like me, you just dismiss it.

That's far enough.

Just lay it on the ground, Scott.

We just made you a lot of money, Russ.

You owe us something.

Sorry.

In the back?

Yeah.

What's the matter, Russ? You got no guts?

What kind of a man are you anyway?

When you sell out, you really sell out.

Your country, your friends, yourself.

That's the name of the game, Scotty.

That's the way you play!

Come on!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

Don't worry about it.

I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.

Tell me again how you made that
policewoman do the flamenco right in the

middle of the Plaza.

You really want to hear about that, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I was in the Plaza, sort of
taking my ease, a siesta, you know.

And along came this policewoman.

And her name was
Sergeant Bareilles, I recall.

And she gave me a trace, uno dos.

Is it 312 in Spanish?

Specifically in Old Madrid.

Where is it in Old Madrid?

Oh, forget it, man.

All right, all right.

Hiya.

May I come in?

You better believe it.

Hi.

Hey.

Hey.

Last time I saw you,
you were being arrested.

I had nothing to do with
what went on in that place.

I've only had the job for two days.

I can't seem to do anything right.

I can't hold a job.

What's in the box?

It's for you.

Why'd you bring him a
present with a fuse in it?

You'll see.

You'll see.

Better take cover, miss.

Hi.

The man in the store
said it wouldn't go off.

I just wanted to see you
jump like the way I did.

I'm not working today.

He ain't gonna help you, though.
He's very glum.

I'm not really glum.

[laughs].

[whistles].

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