I Spy (1965–1968): Season 1, Episode 1 - So Long Patrick Henry - full transcript

[BLANK_AUDIO]

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE].

>> Come on, let's
hold it quiet for a

minute, will you, so
I can read this thing?

All right, shut up.

It's my final decision after
much soul searching and grateful.

Grateful, who wrote this thing?

Come on.

Look, I don't know anything about grateful.

I'm here cuz I'm the best, see?



And cuz I work
like a slave, if you'll

pardon the expression,
to get that way.

Grateful to who?

I'm grateful to me.

Anyway, after much soul searching,
I've decided I will not return to the

United States.

But I'll make my new home from this
day forward with my new friends in the

People's Republic of China.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]



[MUSIC]

[MUSIC].

>> Well, he's been living pretty
high, Mr. Laswell, for a solid year now,

ever since he defected.

They treat him like a king over there.

What makes you think
he's all that disenchanted?

>> I wanna show you Elroy Brown
in Rome, just about a month ago.

Arthur, will you run that
last piece of film, please?

[CROWD CHATTER].

[KNOCKING].

>> Senor Brown, como te piagia l'Africa?

>> What?

>> Oh, I beg your pardon.

Could you tell us, please,
how did you like Africa?

>> Yeah, it's a beautiful
country, make a nice zoo.

[CROWD CHATTER].

>> Honey, what's the
name of that town, you

know, uh, uh, capital
where we were, uh?

>> Ouagadougou.

>> I asked her.

>> Ouagadougou.

>> Yeah.

Well, now, I wouldn't
even say that if I could.

>> Charming.

>> Look, I've already been charming.
What do you want from me?

Look, I'm sorry, honey.

Uh, gentlemen, this is my
fiancée, the Princess Amara, Molly.

That's right next door to where we went.

As a matter of fact, one of the reasons
why we went down there was so that

our folks could give me the once-over.

I think I flunked.

>> That is not true, gentlemen.

My father was quite taken with Mr. Brown.

>> Yeah, well, I was taken with him.

He's a great man in the
government down there.

You see, he's a real
Princess, did you know that?

>> Yeah, our grandfather used to be
king of everything in sight down there a

long time ago.

>> Mr. Brown, you and
your fiancée met in Peking.

>> Yeah, she goes to school there.

She's an exchange student.

>> Is it true, Senor Brown, that the
reason you went to Africa was to begin

negotiations for the
Afro-Asian Olympic Games?

>> Yeah, that's right.

>> Mr. Brown, will they
be held, these games?

>> Yeah, everybody's agreed to meet.

There's going to be a big conference.

All the countries try
to work out the details.

>> Where will the conference be held?

>> They've agreed to meet us
halfway, Hong Kong, next month.

Now, gentlemen, we're
both really very tired.

This has been a real pleasure,
but thank you very much.

[ Indistinct conversations ].

>> I believe that to be a
picture of disenchantment.

>> Maybe.

>> Scotty, when you
talked to him in Tokyo

at the time he defected,
what did he say?

>> Nothing.

I was introduced to him
as an American tourist.

And I spent an hour with him.

He sat down, smiled,
looked at his Japanese watch.

Then he yawned, got up, and
he said, "So long, Patrick Henry.".

>> You disliked him intensely.

>> No, I enjoy being made to feel
stupid when I'm pleading for my country.

Gives me a glow all over.

Now, what's the assignment?

You want his head on a platter?

I think I can arrange that.

>> Scotty, if it makes you feel any
better, speaking unofficially, we don't

even want him back.

But officially speaking, we
have to make the gesture.

So find him, talk to him, offer
him a chance to come home.

A fair chance, that's all.

When he says no, you
tip your hat and walk away.

>> And if he says yes?

>> They'll have to kill him.

Unless you two can get him
here to the consulate in one piece.

They'll be at the Peninsula Hotel.

>> Hello?

>> Sir? Mr. Robinson?

>> Yes, what is it?

>> This 007.

>> What?

>> 007. You know, like in the movies.

>> Oh, boy. Yeah, Mickey, what is it?

>> Part of you asked
about, just arriving now.

Still outside, getting out of cabs.

>> Right, Mickey, thank you very much.

>> You want dialogue?

>> Huh?

>> I got tape recorder,
very small, Japanese.

I go up with him in elevator, turn
down beds, open windows, place tape.

recorder under bed.

>> No, Mickey, I don't think so.

>> Oh, I see.
You already got the room bugged, eh?

>> Listen, I tell you what,
Mickey, let's forget the whole thing.

Now, look, in a few minutes,
we're going to be downstairs.

And I want you to pretend
that you don't know us, okay?

007, over and out.

>> What's the matter?

>> The kids you hired,
what did you tell him?

>> Why?

>> He thinks we're spies. I told him that.

>> You did what?

>> We're an American
tennis company. We want

Al Roy's signature
on the tennis racket.

>> Oh, man, when are you going to learn?

>> Leave the kid alone. He's all right.

>> He's wonderful. Saw Goldfinger 27 times.

>> Where do you find him, anyway?

>> Hey, it's Patrick Henry, right?
Sure it is. How are you, champ?

>> Hey, how's the
patriotism these days, huh?

>> Well, well, as I live and
breathe, late great Al Roy Brown.

>> How's the world, Al Roy?

>> It's small, man. We're getting smaller.

>> Excuse me, but we had to --

>> Hey, get out of here.
What do you want, a rap in the mouth?

Now step to the rear.

Come on, back, Charlie.

>> They're all right. You just got
to step on them once in a while.

Let them know which end of the bus
they belong in, you know what I mean?

>> Looks like he got the
world by the tail, Al Roy.

>> Yeah. Well, you know
what happened to that

fellow who grabbed
the tiger by the tail.

But in the meantime, it's quite a ride.

Honey, this is an old friend of mine.
I'm sorry, what is it?

>> Scott. Alexander Scott. How do you do?

>> How do you do, Mr. Scott?

>> My fiancée, the Princess Amara.

>> My friend, Mr. Robinson.

>> Mr. Robinson.

>> Yeah, I saw you play once, didn't I?
Tennis, right?

>> Yeah, right.

>> I never forget a man's game.

>> Please forgive the intrusion.
We must register.

>> Well, do it then.

>> What do you want
me to do, carry your bags?

>> As you wish, Mr. Brown.
I'll sign for you then.

>> Knucklehead.

>> You better not let go of that tail, man.

>> Yeah, you were right, Patrick.

You know, it's a
funny thing. You won't

believe it, but I never
forgot about you.

Never forgot our
little talk either,

even though I didn't
talk much as I recall.

>> You made up for it. You yawned a lot.

>> Yeah. Yeah, I did, didn't I?

Yeah, but it's a little late to be
wrecking over the ashes, I guess.

Maybe not.

Yeah, well, what are you fellas doing here?

>> We're on a tennis circuit.

>> Oh, tennis.

>> Shall we go up, Mr. Brown?

>> Yeah, in a minute.

>> Perhaps Mr. Scott and
Mr. Robinson would care to join us later?

>> Yeah, that's a great idea.
How about that, gentlemen, if you're free a

little later?

>> Mr. Brown, I'm afraid that's
quite-- >> Will you shut up?

>> Look, I'm going to be tied up
until about 11 o'clock with a cocktail

party, but after that--.

>> Well, I really don't know.

>> Oh, come on. Don't pay any
attention to Charlie Chan here.

You give him a fortune
cookie, he goes away happy.

Come on, how about it? Just us folks, huh?

>> Well, I don't see any
reason why not, Scotty.

>> All right. Good, good.
I'll meet you in the bar at 11, right?

Okay, come on, girls. Let's go.

>> Phew. That's a pretty dangerous
game he's playing, whatever it is.

>> It's not a game he's playing.
He was rolling drunks in the streets of

Chicago when he was 12.

A little luck and less talent, he
could have gone into the gas chamber.

>> He left the cocktail party an hour ago.
He went to his room.

>> Will you please fire him?

>> Let's go, Al Royce. I have to tell him.

>> Be with him.

>> Good evening, gentlemen.

>> Good evening.

>> Allow me to offer
apologies for Mr. Brown.

Something urgent
has arisen preventing

him from joining you.
Perhaps another time.

>> Nothing serious, I hope.

>> Oh, no. Just business.

>> Again, his apologies. Good night.

>> Good night.

>> You notice the way
he was looking around?

>> He didn't come down here to
make apologies. He's lost Al Royce.

>> Mr. Lee Weaver.

Mr. Lee Weaver.

Mr. Lee Weaver.

Mr. Lee Weaver.

Mr. Lee Weaver.

Lee Weaver.

Mr. Lee Weaver.

>> Hey.

Well, get in, gents.

Let's paint the town.

>> So I put on one of these necklaces,
teeth, you know, the way them Congo

cats do down there.

Well, you know, that
was the first time I lost him.

They what you call beat the bush
looking for me, calling my name in Chinese

and going right out of
their absolute gourds, man.

Right out of their gourds.

Hey, hey, come on. I had this.

Come on, let's see what
they got on the show, huh?

No, I'm telling you, man. You wouldn't
believe what they put us through.

Look, in Rome, see, some
of the elevators are like cages.

Just like cages.

So they're going up in one elevator
looking for us, and we're going down in

the other one right next to them.

But you can see right through.

So we waved at them, remember?

Both of us.

And I yelled, tag, fellas, you're it.

You should have seen them guys punching
them buttons and yelling in Chinese.

Well, they never found us, though.

Not for 24 hours.

24 hours we did Rome.

Just the two of us.

They never let you out?

Well, I'm the champion show dog.
I might catch fleas.

Yeah, but I'm going to put some of
these guys in straitjackets this trip.

That doesn't sound like much of a life.

Politics.

You've got to be kidding.

He's not kidding, man.
He's asking you straight, man.

You want to keep putting us on like
Tokyo, then we're going to let you have.

the bar to yourself.

Listen, I ain't got any politics.

Want to know what I got?

I got a quarter of a million
dollars in a Swiss bank.

That's what I got.

A couple more years with these
punks and I go and collect it.

Tax free.

You see, the Rams wanted me for 50
grand and the Eagles offered 40 and from

there on downhill.

Now, this was the best offer.

I'm the first bonus baby in the Cold War.

That's my politics, sweetheart.

You did it for money.

Yeah, that's the general idea. So
what's that tone coming out of your mouth?

Who do you think you are?

He knows who he is, Elroy.

It's you we're not too sure about.

Hey, come on.

What's everybody getting so excited about?

Forget it. It's ancient history.

Let's talk about something friendly.

Here, here's to friendly.

Hey, you have to find them.

They're with two Americans,
one black guy, two green guys.

They went through the
Thai cinema and went east.

East, turn right.

Turn east, turn right.

Turn over.

Where are they?

You go over there and wait.

I'll go.

Hey, come on. Let's go, man.

We spent the whole night with this bum.

Got the message hours ago,
who we are and why we're here.

Let's get it over with, man.

He couldn't care less.

I wish you could have known my grandfather.

He was a great and foolish man.

He was a king.

He built a nation where there was nothing.

He made mistakes like all men, and
like all men, the larger the mistake,

the more fierce he
would become at trying

to prove to himself
that he was right.

He would never beg, never bend.

And so in the end, he was broken.

Yet his people always loved him.

They understood.

A king is like that.

How can a little country girl be so hip?

El Roy.

It means the king.

[SPEAKING CHINESE].

Well, you're awful glum there, Patrick.

Such a great talker.

I said it all a year ago.

Yeah, he talked my head off in Tokyo.

Now he clams up.

You don't make anything easy, do you?

I'm talking to Patrick.

Butt out, old fay.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

Hold it.

For what?

Please.

He doesn't want to hear
anything we have to say, Princess.

It just wouldn't interest him.

But you must say it.

Or you, Mr. Scott.

Well, somebody say something.

The sun's coming up.

Come on, let's have it.

Let's have a pitch.

No.

It's a pitch.

No.

I don't want to tempt you.

You made a right decision, El Roy.

Stick to it.

If you came home,
how could you make a

quarter of a minute
tax-free playing pro ball?

Maybe I'll be a movie star.

All right, that's enough needles.

What's the proposition?

You wouldn't like it.

Go on to Switzerland
and collect your money.

10, 20 years from now, you'll be
sitting on some villa on the side of the

hill watching the sunset,
drinking the martinis.

Got the whole thing licked.

And back home, a lot of poor
dummies, not as smart as you are, will be

eating their hearts out trying
to make the law the land stick.

Holding the world together with one
hand and trying to clean their own house

with the other.

Yeah, something no
country's ever done

before, ever in the
history of the world.

Go ahead, El Roy.

Go on to Switzerland.

You don't need that kind of grief.

Holy wars are a pain in the neck, man.

They always have been.

What can you do about it anyway?

You're only one man.

What can one man do?

Well, I got a phrase for that, El Roy.

It's so simple it may
sound a little childish to you.

Journey of a thousand miles
begins with but a single step.

Remember a man who said that?

Remember him?

And a dozen other men right
now are picking up where he left off.

They'll be remembered.

So will you.

You're the fellow that went
away laughing at all of them.

The whole world's trying to keep
bloody fools like you from selling

themselves back into slavery.

But you did it anyway.

You gotta laugh at that.

No deals, El Roy, nothing.

You get your citizenship
and a plane ticket home.

After that, you're on your own.

It's not very much of a deal.

It's a lousy deal.

What do you want, a medal?

I don't want any medals.

It doesn't make much sense
to do it for nothing either.

Not exactly for nothing.

But what then?

How about for your almighty soul?
How about for that?

I don't have much belief
in my almighty soul, pal.

Then what have we been talking about?

Come on, I need some air.
Let's get out of here.

Take a couple laps around the block.

Make up your mind, El Roy.

No, we can't help you.

I don't need your help.

You don't need any help.
You need a seeing-eye dog.

Then don't push me.

Look over your shoulder, El Roy.

Go ahead. Take a look.

See the fellow by the door?

You recognize him?

No.

No.

He recognized you the second he walked in.

These people have got an army in this town.

They're gonna be outside waiting for us.

Now we link arms and exit laughing.

If you're lucky, they'll buy it
as just another harmless prank.

If not, it's been pointless knowing you.

Well then, come on, come on, my dear.

Why don't you join us, please?

Come on right here.

Nice, sir. Wonderful.

Don't be sad about it. We'll be back.

No, it's all right.

All right.

♪ Hurting is so easy ♪.

Hey, El Roy, your friends are here.

It's very late, Mr. Brown.

Your address to the conference
is in less than six hours.

Oh, we'll get them there on time.

May I suggest that we return now
to the hotel so that you may rest?

No, we want to walk.

The streets of Hong Kong
are dangerous at this hour.

I say we walk.

Mr. Brown is unaware of the many
unscrupulous persons in Hong Kong

who prey upon vulnerable
tourists at this hour.

Well, there are people like
that everywhere, I guess.

May we offer you transportation?

No, thank you.

El Roy, good luck on the streets.

Yeah, thanks.

Princess, good night.

Well, let's take a little
walk for ourselves.

In the rain? What for?

There's another cab down around
the corner where the lights turned off.

We try to nail this and
leave him blown away.

El Roy's in trouble.

True.

Want a cab?

Wow.

Yeah, yeah, come on, it's raining.

Let's go.

Where's the trouble, driver?

No trouble.

Don't you ever remember
to bring a silencer?

It ruins the line of my suit.

Mine too.

(SIREN WAILING).

(SIREN WAILING).

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIREN WAILING).

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(SIREN WAILING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(PANTING)

(CHUCKLING).

That was beautiful.
Why don't they just point us out?

Oh, you had to open your big mouth.

You tell 'em.

I told 'em we're doing a gangster movie,

and if they look around,
they'll see the bad guys coming.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

What are they doing?

They got the silencer.

Hello, sir. Now!

Wasn't that wonderful?
World of motion pictures.

Okay, gang, watch this now.

What's that for?

I've got an idea.

I've got an idea.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING).

(ALL CLAPPING).

(ALL CLAPPING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Game's over, fellas. You lose.

(GUNSHOTS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

We'd better find Elroy, fast.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CLAPPING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(GASPS)

(GROANS).

My head.

Somebody get me a couple
of aspirin or something, huh?

I'm stiff as a board.

Hey, what'd I do?

Fall out on the sofa?

Yeah, you know, I was that drunk.

I had a couple of cups of
coffee when we got back.

Put it right there.

What time is it?

10.30.

(SIGHS).

I sure feel like making a speech.

That will not be necessary.

Huh?

It will not be necessary.

Now.

There's a martyr.

(DOOR OPENS).

(DOOR CLOSES)

Where is she?

She was taken ill, quite suddenly.

She's on her way to the
air terminal by ambulance.

She will return to Peking where
she may receive proper treatment.

She wasn't sick.

On the contrary, she really is quite ill.

With the same illness
that is spreading

itself through your
body at the moment.

First, headache, stiffness,
then chills and fever.

In one hour, you will
be completely delirious.

Typhus injected while you were
under the influence of the drug coffee.

(SIGHS).

You guys are really crazy.

Play around with people like your toy.

We are not toying with you, Mr. Brown.

(DOOR OPENS).

El Roy.

This is Amara.

Please.

Do not be angry.

And...

Do not do anything foolish.

I have agreed to go
back to Peking with them.

They say if I go quietly,
you will not be harmed.

El Roy.

It means...

The king!

Be one now as you were meant to be.

My love to you.

Goodbye.

(PANTING)

I'm going downstairs now, Mr. Brown.

Tell the assembly that you are
bedding in your room with a sudden fever.

I will then deliver your excellent speech.

The Afro-Asian Olympics will
be a reality by the end of the day.

By the end of the year, China
will be firmly entrenched in Africa,

helped by means of these games.

Listen carefully now, Mr. Brown,
while you can still hear me.

Until you are recovered
and can return to Peking,

we are quite sure you will not wish
to endanger the life of your fiancé

by revealing even the slightest
detail of what has taken place here.

Goodbye, Mr. Brown.

Princess go downstairs
early with three men.

They take her to taxi cab. Go away fast.

She looked funny.

How funny?

Eyes closed like she not see. Maybe sick.

Fifth floor room boy see that
Mr. Sung go downstairs in big meeting.

Mr. Elroy Brown still in room.

Mr. Sung went down in the
meeting and left Elroy in the room?

Too bodyguard person,
too big bodyguard person.

Come on, men. You got him outnumbered.

It's my man.

Put you right in the mouth.

It's my man.

Put you right in the mouth.

Put you right in the mouth.

The.

The.

The.

The.

The.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music).

(dramatic music)

(knocking)

- Thank you for the phone.

- Is this your suit?

- Wrong room, kid.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music).

(gunshots).

- Get her back.

They're gonna take off yet, stop 'em.

They're gonna make you a deal.

Better know when you made me.

You get her back safe, I'll come home.

(panting)

I'll even go you one better.

How'd you like to see me walk in there

at that meeting down there?

And blow the whistle on 'em.

The phony games, the whole bit.

Blow it so loud they'll
hear it around the world.

How'd you like to see me do that?

- You can't even walk, man.

- (laughs) You wanna bet.

- I'll get her if I can.

(panting).

I don't pay off on this.

You get her.

- Watch him, I'll call you.

- Okay.

(grunting).

(panting)

(speaking in foreign language).

- In order to cement
the brotherly goodwill

that we share with
our Afro-Asian friends.

(speaking in foreign language)

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music).

(upbeat music)

(singing in foreign language)

(upbeat music)

(singing in foreign language)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music).

(phone ringing)

- Mr. Shaw, you have a
private craft bound for Peking.

- Yes, sir, they're at the
head of the runway now, sir.

- That plane has typhus aboard.

Order it to come about.

- Yes, sir.

(speaking in foreign language).

(speaking in foreign language).

- Hong Kong Tower.

This is 3131.

Request permission to take off, over.

- They speak English, sir.

You wanna try them?

- 3131.

- You are carrying a case of typhus aboard.

If you take off from this field,

you will be a contempt
of international law.

- Return to your loading
gate at once, you bloody fools.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music).

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music).

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music).

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music).

(dramatic music)

(tires screeching)

(phone ringing).

- Hello.

Just as long as she's all right.

Broken arm?

Well, listen, you'll always look
devil may care in a broken arm.

Marvelous.

He did it, she's safe.

- Okay, let's go.

- Go where?

You can't even move.

- I give him my word.

I ain't give nobody my
word in a long time, man.

- Hey, Patrick.

Hey, you gotta help me, man.

Don't let me cop out.

- Huh?

- Elroy.

Elroy.

You see this?

This is a painkiller and a stimulant.

This is powerful stuff.

It'll either put you on
your feet or out cold.

In your case, you can't tell which.

- Okay, do it.

- I'm feeling it.

- Let go of my pants.

Oh, no.

- What's the matter?

- There's no good man, it's a bust.

- You make it.

- No, no, it's sunk anyway.

It's the interpreter.

He's one of Sue's men.

No matter what I say, he
just won't translate it to him.

He'll never get the message.

- Where's he located?

- He's in a booth in the back.

But he's the only guy within
a thousand miles of here.

that translates Swahili.

- Probably never looked under my
shirt to see this big red ass, have you?

- No.

- Don't worry about a thing.

(speaking in foreign language).

(audience applauding)

(speaking in foreign language).

- They're still in the speeding bullet.

More powerful than a locomotive.

- Yeah, able to leave tall
buildings in a single bound.

- Right.

- Yeah, man, you can
not sit down here just and...

Walk.

(audience applauding)

- Hit the showers, punk.

You're out of this ballgame.

(paper crinkling).

- This is gonna be short...

And sweet.

And if I start to fade,

I want somebody to grab me, hold me up.

(audience laughing)

First things first.

I'm not here 'cause I believe
in the Afro-Asian games.

I'm here 'cause I'm a trader.

'Cause I deflected from my country.

Yeah, I sold out my country and myself...

To a bunch of fakes.

Like that one going out the door.

(audience laughing)

So you see...

I did it for money.

(chuckles).

A whole lot of money.

That makes me smart.

Makes me the smartest man in the room.

'Cause you...

You're doing it for nothing.

(dramatic music).

(thunder rumbling).

The Afro-Asian games...

Can be great.

They can be great.

And they should be.

'Cause you...

All of you...

You gotta pull together.

But then...

They'll poison it for you.

(sobs).

So have your games.

But you do it.

You do it yourself.

I'll help you if I can.

Right now...

I just wanna go home.

(sobs)

(audience applauding)

(bells ringing)

(dramatic music)

(audience applauding).

(indistinct chatter)

(upbeat music)

You'd be late to matinee.

Matinee of what?

That's a reward.
I promised I would take it to the movies.

What movie?

That's an English picture.

Wonderful cast.
Many of your favorite stars.

The Adventures of 007.

Right.

Oh, man.

Now listen, don't knock the competition.

You may pay to watch them,
you may learn something.

Listen, this guy is really
wonderful now, I'm telling you.

Not only does he get the women,
but he gets them painted all different

colors of the rainbow.

It's called widescreen integration.

But you need a refresher course
'cause I've been watching you.

You've been slipping lately.

(dramatic music).

(upbeat music)

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[BLANK_AUDIO].