I Spy (1965–1968): Season 1, Episode 3 - Carry Me Back to Old Tsing-Tao - full transcript
In Hong Kong, Kelly and Alexander have to make a deal with an old Chinese gangster, but he doesn't want money; he , wants to return to Formosa (now Taiwan) - his birthplace. But he can't emigrate until he settles a large tax bill with U.S. authorities.
[Music]
[Music]
I see greatness in your future.
I thought in Hong Kong they
told you fortune with cookies.
Oh, that's for tourists.
Hey, did you believe that?
You've got my luck line in your hand.
That's wonderful.
First tell me how lucky.
Uh, you and me, all day
tomorrow, in quiet places.
For what?
Contemplation.
That's what it says right there.
Contemplation.
You're still reading
the middle of the line.
What happens after contemplation?
Uh, it's just as I suspect it.
A great decision.
It's fair enough.
Tomorrow.
[Laughing]
What do you want to sell, man?
Show it to yourself, Yank.
Alrighty.
You're the Yanks.
You think you own the whole world?
But don't own Hong Kong.
And you better, well, better remember that.
Alright, let's call a standoff, sir.
Come outside, Yank, and I'll
show you a few tricks of my own.
Or are you yellow?
Alright, honey, take
the watch off, will you?
Kelly, it's...
Don't worry, I'll fight dirty.
The whole world is full of hard noses.
Seems like I get more in my share.
Look, Mr. Robinson,
I had to get you
out of there one way
or another, didn't I?
There's a storm front coming up.
From which direction?
From the east at 12 knots.
What's the assignment?
There's a man in Hong Kong.
His name is Charlie Wong.
Ever hear of him?
There was a Charlie Wong on the west coast.
He used to run a lot of things.
Fancy and little factories.
Very influential. Same guy?
Yeah. He lives on Victoria Peak.
I get in touch with him tomorrow at 2 P.M.
Tomorrow?
Oh, listen, uh, I've been working on
Janna about tomorrow for a week now.
Janna's a very nice name.
I even like it better
than Charlie Wong,
but tomorrow you'll
be with Charlie.
Why in a rush? What's it all about?
He'll fill you in himself.
What does he know about me?
He knows that you're a
tennis player, that it's a cover,
that you've got a trainer
named Alexander Scott,
and that you're both undercover agents.
Hmm. Uh, you sure know,
it's... It's gotta be tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Why can't you do it?
Because I'm not one of you glamour boys.
My cover's being a coal-eaver
and a lousy Dutch freighter.
Two years that I haven't
had an assignment
yet where I could
wear a clean white shirt.
I'd like you cute glamour boys.
My hotel bill is $40 a day. How about that?
Can't you get a play
with all that local talent?
Well, it's a struggle.
Sure.
Uh, listen, it just strikes me, uh,
one of us is gonna come out
of this alley looking like a loser.
Right.
But not me.
Oh, wait a minute. Now, it can't be me.
It would blow the whole image.
I'm supposed to be the guy
who can take care of himself.
Now, we both work for Uncle Sam.
They also serve who only stand...
Anyway, may I check at the idea?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(I Spy's theme playing).
(dramatic music)
(indistinctive talking)
This cake is for you from
all of us, the entire family.
Happy birthday!
(ALL CLAMORING)
But you children know I
celebrate only my Chinese birthday.
Oh, well, it's a sentiment.
Well, you see, that is a love cake.
We, uh, we love you, Papa Charlie.
Really, really love you.
We love you, Papa Charlie.
Uh, yes, indeed.
Papa Charlie Juan, with
love from his daughters,
Sally, Irene, Mary and Catherine,
and his dutiful sons-in-law,
Turkey, Harold and Juan.
You read Chinese very well, Martin.
What's the matter?
The inscription reads,
"To the honorable Shen Fong,
"on the occasion of the opening
of his new tailoring establishment,
"with the best wishes of the
Hong Kong Merchants Association."
(ALL LAUGHING)
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Now, now, children, please,
don't upset yourselves.
It's a spirit that counts.
And the spirit here is
one of a loving family.
And I am deeply touched.
Papa Charlie, make a wish.
I wish that each and every one of you.
gets what he deserves.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Very good.
Charming sentiments. Charming.
Isn't he a lovely man?
Yes, he is a lovely, lovely person.
Papa Charlie.
"I am exceedingly
loved, which is good,
"and exceedingly
rich, which is better.
"Else, how could we afford all these
expensive months in Hong Kong?"
Papa Charlie.
Papa Charlie.
"Oh, that's great!"
(ALL CLAPPING)
Oh, uh... You know, Papa Charlie,
something always puzzled me.
"The East is mysterious, Harold.
"What puzzled you?"
Well, we, uh...
We never see you go to a bank.
Um...
Where do you keep all your money?
"The fewer who know
where one keeps his
money, "the more
likely he is to keep it."
"The longer he keeps it, the longer
will he be blessed with love cakes."
Oh!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Very true, yes, Papa Charlie. Very true.
Very true.
Very good.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
Cut the cake for me. I have some visitors.
(SPEAKING CHINESE).
Mr. Robinson?
Yes, Kelly Robinson. This is Mr. Scott.
Gentlemen, you honor my house.
Will you accompany me
to my quarters, please?
Surely.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES).
(MUSIC CONTINUES).
From this point on,
I must ask you to
walk very closely
behind me in single file.
Why?
If you must have a reason, let
us say it is because of poison Ivy.
And as you walk, keep your
hands close to your sides.
Now, please, very carefully.
Forgive the whim of an old man.
My children sleep in the big
house, but this is where I sleep.
This is the kind of home
into which I was born.
It is the kind of home in which I will die.
I understand you are representatives
of the United States government.
After fashion, yes.
The Internal Revenue Service says
I owe a large sum of money in taxes.
I wish to return to Formosa,
the place of my birth.
But I cannot do so without a visa.
Your government has used its influence
to prevent Formosa's granting me one.
Uh, how do we fit in?
I have discussed my
debt to your government.
And they have indicated the visa
would be granted if I made a settlement.
How much?
A million dollars.
It was necessary for me to
liquidate all of my holdings.
But at last, I'm
able to offer you one
million dollars in
settlement of my debt.
Every penny I have.
I will die in poverty, but with
honor in my native village.
Do you mean you got a million
dollars to offer us right here?
Of course.
Will you accept it?
Well, I don't know.
We'll have to cable for instructions.
Do it quickly.
I say quickly.
Because there are three men in that house.
The honored husbands and
my three beloved daughters.
I've come to learn the truth
about the three marriages.
They are not exactly blessed.
My daughters were married for my money.
Therefore, I tell you again.
Get your instructions quickly.
Uh, why, sir?
Because if I should die in violence,
my soul would be restless.
And I'm sure neither of you
would want that to happen.
I wouldn't.
No?
Then act quickly.
For those men in there would kill
me if they knew what I was doing.
And they would kill you as well.
(Music)
Thank you.
Offer acceptable.
Three men have criminal records.
Highly dangerous. It buys extreme caution.
Details of transfer at your discretion.
Just take the million
dollars and run with it, huh?
That's what it says. With extreme caution.
Suppose he's got it in dimes.
Well, bring a bunch of paper bags.
Sure it doesn't bother you all this
business about extreme caution.
No, I just wonder where
he's got all that money.
Half a million in each shoe.
One of the tallest people you'll ever see.
Why not take his old million dollars,
slip off to Formosa some
dark night on some beach?
He really wants to die in
peace when he gets to Formosa.
I believe that part of it.
Four million dollars, he gets a passport,
gets rid of internal revenue,
and those three sons in law.
Well, if they knew
what he was up to, they
would slice him
into little tiny pieces.
Not a dignified way to die.
No, it's not.
And I suggest we use E.C.
in dealing with these men.
-Extreme caution.
-Certanily.
Excellent concept.
-Wait a minute, fellas. Can't we talk about this?
- Sure. Talk. Talk!
Awfully sorry, old boy.
Tell me, what exactly did
you want with Papa Charlie?
Well, it was nothing. It really was silly.
I had a shark's fin and I
wanted to make some soup.
He's got a recipe.
Turkey, this is... Huzzah!
Would you mind?
Wait, listen.
Listen, listen!
He's the one that wanted the soup.
And what did you want?
I just came by to listen to some
of his old fetch wall records.
Turkey, huzzah!
Oh, wait a minute. Hold it.
Hold it, fellas.
We'll tell you.
Splendid.
Everything that you want to know.
This... We were talking a deal.
Go on.
And we were dickering over price.
That's right.
Dickering for what?
Well, five grand now and
ten more when it's finished.
Turkey!
Now, wait a minute. Hold it.
Let me tell you about us!
Oh, Scotty, tell 'em.
You mean it?
Well, tell 'em!
Maybe they want to buy in.
Now, listen.
Straight up.
Kelly and I are really kind
men, see, and we're broke.
We haven't had a quarter.
And we had this wonderful opportunity.
We found this wonderful
acreage down by the waterfront
and we asked our friends
to come and see us.
We found this wonderful
acreage down by the waterfront
and we asked Papa Charlie to help us.
Whom we knew in the States.
Right.
And we asked him to finance the deal.
And that's it.
And was he interested?
Well, he... Yes.
Did he show you the money?
Sure, he did.
Well, not exactly his
money, but his bank book.
Oh, boy.
I have news for you.
Papa Charlie has no bank
account in any Hong Kong bank.
We've checked.
Turkey!
Why do you do that, Catherine?
Yeah, I hate him again, lady.
Yes, he deserves it.
Why do you do that again, Catherine?
And you too!
I told him downstairs
to arrest you if you
ever showed your
face in this hotel again.
Now look, Connie.
These are my father's friends.
He would not be pleased to
learn how you have treated them.
Now get out.
Out!
No, no, please.
Out!
Out!
I knew they'd be up to something
like this when they left the house.
I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner.
Oh.
Well, if you don't get beaten up
once in a while, you get soft, right, Cal?
Yes, that's right.
You just get so you don't appreciate.
Oh, give me a hand, will you?
Appreciate what?
Shut up.
Oh, you're Charlie Juan's daughter then.
I'm Catherine, the youngest.
You're the one that's not married.
Yes, why?
Well, it's sometimes a very
important piece of information.
Is my father's offer
acceptable to the government?
Yes, it is, and we're going to get
him his visa as soon as I get well.
Where do you hurt?
Well, it's really all over whenever I move.
I know a remedy.
Oh, where are you going?
To phone for the remedy.
Oh, what remedy is that?
Chicken soup.
Chicken soup.
(music).
Be sure you step where
I step and no place else.
Listen, we went through all this with
your father. Now, why are we walking
like Indians?
My father's had the
whole aerial mind with
anti-personnel minds.
Please be careful.
I'm walking like an Indian.
Right.
You have been in contact
with your government?
The deal's okay. You can pick
up your visa whenever you like.
Fine.
Now, about a million dollars.
Inside the stove?
No, not inside.
The stove itself. It is solid gold.
This is simple paint remover.
We'll take off the surface paint.
[Music].
(laughing)
What?
Well, I just got a picture of their
faces when we unload a million dollars
worth of stove on them.
Eight hundred seventy-five pounds worth.
Yeah.
Suppose by the
time it got to internal
revenue, it only weighed
eight hundred pounds.
See what you mean.
Well, the lid's loose. Maybe the Dampador.
Seventy-five pounds
worth of gold has
got to be worth a lot
of money in Macau.
Seventy-two thousand dollars.
You already figured it out, huh?
Yes, I did. Sixty dollars an
ounce, Chinese black market.
I think we can get seventy
dollars an ounce. I know a guy.
Seventy dollars an ounce? Wow.
A couple of one-way tickets to
Tahiti would scarcely put a dent in it.
Yeah. Have you ever seen a Tahitian hula?
[Singing]
Where we're at, why
don't we hack up a
couple of legs? We
may want to entertain.
Right!
No, we just lose our pension benefits.
You think we lose our jobs?
Yeah.
Such wonderful jobs, too.
And the hospitalization is free.
All those marvelous orthopedic devices?
I just love plaster of Paris.
Right.
Take a look in your rear mirror.
All right, lose 'em.
[Tires Squealing]
(gunshot)
What do they got back there, a cannon?
[Music]
Somehow I don't think
they're warning shots.
[Tires Squealing].
That's the idea.
Wonderful, boy. Wonderful.
All together now. One, two, three, he.
We got stuck that time, didn't we?
Carry on, old boy. That's the idea.
Scotty.
Hey.
You all right?
How would I know?
Splendid effort, old boy.
Yes, splendid.
A little stove in the car.
A stove.
My government's golden stove.
Come along, Wharton. Get a wiggle on.
It was nice doing business with you fellas.
[Chuckles]
[Grunting].
All those monkeys haven't got moxie.
I don't think they'll bother us anymore.
Shall we go?
[Door Opens].
Kelly.
Kelly.
Cal.
[Grunting]
Come on.
Boy.
I wish Carsten was here, man.
She gave those guys a shot.
[Sniffles].
Think he used some chicken soup.
You get off with it?
Yeah.
Come on. We gotta hitch a ride to town.
Oh, well, just... Let me give you a hand.
Yeah.
Boy, you look terrible.
Sorry about that.
[Music]
[Music].
What he say? What he say? Shut up.
Didn't she pin woman?
Who would've thought the old
boy would take it out in gold?
Smart. That old Charlie's smart.
Yeah, well, I don't
get it. Why? He
trusted those two
clowns with all his gold.
That's just a pin woman. That's Charlie.
What they talk so long?
What they talk so long?
You're settling the price.
Must surely be worth a million dollars.
A million, conservatively?
[Laughing]
Gentlemen, I regret
to inform you that it
is not worth what
you led me to expect.
[Laughing]
Oh, come on, artists.
They're all con artists.
It is not gold.
There's some gold leaf on it.
But the stove is principally
made of cast iron.
It's lies. It's dirty big lies. Shut up!
It's a phony. It's gold-plated.
Not even gold-plated.
Just a paper-thin veneer
of gold under the paint.
If you scrape it, you come to cast iron.
Prove it for yourself.
I'm sorry, gentlemen.
If it were gold,
well, we could've
made a very good deal.
Yes, double book. Yes, gold.
Yes, gold. Yes, gold.
[Music].
[Door opens]
[Music]
[Music].
You think I'm a deceitful old man?
How else could I have gotten
this visa for my birthplace?
By really giving them the gold.
Child. What is it?
There is no gold. It's gold.
What?
Gold.
But you are a wealthy man.
Oh. No more.
In the final days of my life,
my only legacy to you is love.
Listen to me.
I have been pretending wealth.
For me? There was no reason for it?
For your sisters.
So that their husbands would
stay with them our whole way of life.
These months, Hong Kong.
An expensive trick which has
cost me the wealth of a life to earn.
No.
[Music].
And yet it is not finished.
I must ask you to help me.
Yes.
My sons and loves. And the Americans
are chasing each other as they should.
Yet I need more time.
To fly to Formosa is only a few hours.
Until I am safely through customs.
You must keep everybody
occupied with that cast iron stole.
Catherine?
Yes.
You must do this.
Keep those fine young men and my
sons and loves at each other's throat.
Make sure that I am not followed.
And above all, do not
reveal where I am going.
Yes, father.
Father.
Please, take me with you.
That's not possible.
Father.
Please.
To go with me would mean to
live in poverty and destitution.
[Music]
You are lovely.
You are young.
And life should unfold for you.
Like an exquisite flower.
Embrace an old man.
His only prayer is for your happiness.
Oh.
Too tight?
I don't know. It feels just wonderful.
Hey, would you please take it easy.
Sorry about that.
You must have a rib pollution.
Hey, now.
What?
What's this?
What's what?
A scar shaped like a Crescent.
Oh, that one.
How did you get it?
Stalking the elusive quarry.
Beautiful. Where?
It was in old Tunis.
There was four of us.
On three camels.
We all knew that one of us was a spy.
Well, we stopped at an oasis.
None of us trusting the other.
Each on guard, each suspect.
He's suspicious.
Yeah?
Well, you got to get the picture.
It was desert, hot wind, oasis, full
moon, lonesome dog calling somewhere in
the distance.
Then what happened?
Well, a lonesome dog bit me.
I beg your pardon?
A dumb dog crying light
into my blankets and bit me.
Well, who was the spy?
No, I've given you plenty of
clues to figure out who the spy was.
Me?
Two of the others
were rug petters and
the other one was
looking for his camel.
Hold that.
Hold that.
Says his stoves can be bought at
the shop of Thai Fu on Kings Road.
You go.
Well, how can I judge a
stove without your opinion?
Force yourself.
Now, come on.
Kelly, it's a trap and you know it.
All right, if we know it,
it isn't a trap anymore.
Look, those guys are tough, man.
-They beat us two times out. They're not fooling around.
-Ah, it's tough.
They just don't play fair, that's all.
They always use the element of surprise.
Kelly.
Ah, what?
It's a trap.
Yeah, I imagine it is.
-Well, there it is.
-I wonder how it got there.
How do you know it's the same stove?
Well, I'm a stove bot, okay?
Yes, gentlemen.
Yes, sir.
I want to know about that lovely
stove you have in your window.
Oh, exquisite stove.
Truly a conversation piece, is it not?
One could plant many flowers in it.
It is indeed tempting, sir.
Where, if I may ask, sir, did
you come by this treasure?
Oh, three gentlemen offered it
to me for a very reasonable price,
which enables me to sell it to you
for less than the cost of the gold leaf
which covers it.
Gold leaf?
Not gold.
Oh, if it were truly gold, I should
never have to be thinking of planting
flowers in it now, would I?
You gentlemen, excuse me a moment.
Ah, sir, sir.
Come here, come on.
I'll say goodbye, sir.
Scotty, we've been had.
By good old Charlie, the folk millionaire.
Unloads an 875 pound home appliance on us.
Foamy.
Which makes us pretty comical.
I'm glad we're honest.
Honest?
Yep.
You take the lid and I'll take the time.
Oh, yeah.
We got a note.
Here's the stove.
Now, can the Rover boys be far behind?
See, I think maybe you have a point there.
They weren't out in front.
I wonder perhaps do you
think there might be any alley?
They are the type.
I tell you what, I'm a
little bitter about all this.
What about yourself?
Yes, I am.
What kind of shape are you in?
I'm in great shape.
Good.
And this time there's no element of
surprise, no car crashes, and it's only
three to two.
We owe it to ourselves.
Yes, we do.
Pride.
Pride.
The element of surprise.
Pride.
(Music)
(Music)
Now then, are we beautiful or not?
No time.
Did you see my fingers leave my finger?
Uh-oh.
(Music)
Well, how do you feel? A little better?
A little better.
A lot better.
Right, so do I.
Let's go catch ourselves a sly old fox.
(Music).
Yes.
It's all right, sir. Thank you. Anyway.
Yes. Well, thank you for your trouble.
Right on. Bye-bye.
No good. Formosus says old Charlie
went through emigration an hour ago.
Philosophic observation, if I may.
Go, my man.
Into each life, some goofs must fall.
Yeah, but so many in hours.
We have one consolation. We did
whip up on old Morton, Harold and Turkey.
Indeed, we did.
And I would share
with you in the warmth
and glory and
wonderfulness of that moment,
were it not for the
sadness of our government.
Right, short a million.
Right, an old foxy Charlie.
Dang laughing on old Formosus.
Right.
We could go to old Formosus, I suppose.
Right.
One of the island, looking up
a million nooks and crannies,
searching the coastline for
some sandpan, mountains, jungles.
We could grow very old looking
for old Charlie and old Formosus.
Yeah.
Despite the veracity of what you've said,
our government is still gonna be in
a veritable stint over its golden stove.
Huffy.
That too.
Think of something.
The philosophical
observation which pertains
is there is no way
to find a poor old man
with nothing to call us home but millions.
Without a road map.
Catherine.
Boy.
You are a beautiful woman.
Is that why you came here to tell me that?
Unfortunately.
We came to ask you
where your father's gone.
A village in Formosa, he told you that.
Where is the village, Catherine?
Where Serenity is and the long sunset.
That sounds like a nice address.
My father's where the days of his
dying will be gentle and undisturbed.
Catherine, if you want your father to
have all those wonderful things you've
been talking about, why are you
trying to kill him before his time?
How dare you say that?
He's used us to get his
son-in-law off his back.
We were patchies enough to do that for him.
But they're not through.
They don't know any more than you do.
Honey, they'll never be through.
They'll follow him to
the ends of the earth.
How long do you think it's gonna take
them to find out he went to Formosa?
They'll find him wherever he went.
And they'll make him talk.
They'll cut him into little
pieces for his millions.
I'm told, unless we can get to him first.
There are no millions. There is nothing.
My father spent his last penny for passage.
It is the truth.
Why do you not let poor man die in peace?
Why do you have to...
Catherine, that's the point.
He won't, unless he
honors his deal with us.
He has no money.
I helped him pack all his
possessions, everything he has.
There was nothing.
Only the household goods
he needs to start a new life.
He has no million dollars.
What must I do to convince you of that?
It's simple, honey.
Take us to him.
No.
All right, then your fine
relatives will get to him.
If I tell you, then, well, what happens?
Okay, then your brothers and
ma will be sent back to the States.
They'll be denied
any passports, visas,
or exit permits while
your father lives.
Will he be allowed to stay in Formosa?
That depends on it.
First things first, help us keep him alive.
Perky, Sergeant Harold!
Help me!
Stay back where you are!
You're gonna get...
You take another step and
she'll get you killed the same way.
Don't worry, I'll guide you!
Sure she will, right
into another land mine.
Catherine, what are you doing to us?
She wants you dead, is what she's doing.
Right?
It is that I want my father to stay alive!
When you were
done with them, you'd
find something else
for us, wouldn't you?
Honey, it's so simple.
Just do as we ask.
Tell us where your father is.
No! I can't!
All right, now listen.
You tell us where he is, or I'm gonna
turn you over to Harold and Morton.
Now you better believe it.
Do that, old boy!
Listen, they've gotta be put away
where they can't hurt anybody else,
and we've got to find your father.
Come on!
I'll take you to him.
All right, guide us out of here.
[music playing]
[music playing]
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language].
Go by, little boy.
[music playing]
[music playing].
[speaking in foreign language]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
Now he has a cone cot.
Excuse me, madam.
[clicking]
Papa.
Gold, Papa Charlie?
Platinum.
Phew.
Tell him to go home.
Please go home.
Our business day is over.
Thank you, Papa Charlie.
Platinum, huh? All of it?
Platinum.
Pure exquisite platinum.
Phew.
Very well.
You told us that
you count out for us
one million dollars worth.
Knives, forks, spoons,
any grouping of your choice.
You will leave me penniless.
Leading the life of a beggar.
With no coin to take to my ancestors.
You want to bet, Papa Charlie?
Count to a million.
[music playing]
I am worthless.
I am poor.
Without anything.
Child.
You lied to me.
You deceived me.
Why?
I should never have nurtured
you at the bosom of the West.
You have forgotten the key to our survival.
Oriental guile.
[music playing]
Good afternoon, my dear.
Sir.
Yes.
I would like to have an enormous
house, seven cars and three ducks.
And a Peruvian dame.
Top of coffee, sir?
Yes, sir.
[music playing]
[music playing]
How's your mougu guy, Pam?
About the same.
How's your man, Rendell?
No different.
Hey, it says here Harold and Morton
are on their way back to the States.
Under guard.
Good.
I couldn't stand that Morton.
[knocking]
Come in.
Oh, how you doing, Mr. Farley?
We've been waiting for you.
Really?
Yes.
Hello, Mr. Chair.
Thank you.
So that you might be interested in
knowing the full assay of what you
recovered for the government.
Well, we would appreciate it.
Sorry to say, I did not tally with
the preliminary assay in Taipei.
Four ounces short.
Current rate for unrefined
platinum is $140 an ounce.
So you were over $400 short.
Now I think you-- We know
what you think, Mr. Farley.
And you're wrong.
See this?
Two forks, approximate weight, four ounces.
Here's a box addressed to the
Department of Internal Revenue.
I don't understand.
Well, we have a friend who
has been known to boast
that he once ate fettuccine
with golden spoons.
The alfredos are wrong.
And the next time this guy opens his
big mouth, we just want to be able to
say, big deal, et cetera, et cetera.
Credit us with any
overage, will you, Mr. Farley?
Please pass the Mugu-Gai-Pan.
Hey, Roy!
Hey!
Hey, Wilford!
Put that right down there.
We're going to try some of
this man-made cotton candy.
Let's get the actual-- Best
man-made-- Best man ever.
(upbeat music).
[Music]
I see greatness in your future.
I thought in Hong Kong they
told you fortune with cookies.
Oh, that's for tourists.
Hey, did you believe that?
You've got my luck line in your hand.
That's wonderful.
First tell me how lucky.
Uh, you and me, all day
tomorrow, in quiet places.
For what?
Contemplation.
That's what it says right there.
Contemplation.
You're still reading
the middle of the line.
What happens after contemplation?
Uh, it's just as I suspect it.
A great decision.
It's fair enough.
Tomorrow.
[Laughing]
What do you want to sell, man?
Show it to yourself, Yank.
Alrighty.
You're the Yanks.
You think you own the whole world?
But don't own Hong Kong.
And you better, well, better remember that.
Alright, let's call a standoff, sir.
Come outside, Yank, and I'll
show you a few tricks of my own.
Or are you yellow?
Alright, honey, take
the watch off, will you?
Kelly, it's...
Don't worry, I'll fight dirty.
The whole world is full of hard noses.
Seems like I get more in my share.
Look, Mr. Robinson,
I had to get you
out of there one way
or another, didn't I?
There's a storm front coming up.
From which direction?
From the east at 12 knots.
What's the assignment?
There's a man in Hong Kong.
His name is Charlie Wong.
Ever hear of him?
There was a Charlie Wong on the west coast.
He used to run a lot of things.
Fancy and little factories.
Very influential. Same guy?
Yeah. He lives on Victoria Peak.
I get in touch with him tomorrow at 2 P.M.
Tomorrow?
Oh, listen, uh, I've been working on
Janna about tomorrow for a week now.
Janna's a very nice name.
I even like it better
than Charlie Wong,
but tomorrow you'll
be with Charlie.
Why in a rush? What's it all about?
He'll fill you in himself.
What does he know about me?
He knows that you're a
tennis player, that it's a cover,
that you've got a trainer
named Alexander Scott,
and that you're both undercover agents.
Hmm. Uh, you sure know,
it's... It's gotta be tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Why can't you do it?
Because I'm not one of you glamour boys.
My cover's being a coal-eaver
and a lousy Dutch freighter.
Two years that I haven't
had an assignment
yet where I could
wear a clean white shirt.
I'd like you cute glamour boys.
My hotel bill is $40 a day. How about that?
Can't you get a play
with all that local talent?
Well, it's a struggle.
Sure.
Uh, listen, it just strikes me, uh,
one of us is gonna come out
of this alley looking like a loser.
Right.
But not me.
Oh, wait a minute. Now, it can't be me.
It would blow the whole image.
I'm supposed to be the guy
who can take care of himself.
Now, we both work for Uncle Sam.
They also serve who only stand...
Anyway, may I check at the idea?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(I Spy's theme playing).
(dramatic music)
(indistinctive talking)
This cake is for you from
all of us, the entire family.
Happy birthday!
(ALL CLAMORING)
But you children know I
celebrate only my Chinese birthday.
Oh, well, it's a sentiment.
Well, you see, that is a love cake.
We, uh, we love you, Papa Charlie.
Really, really love you.
We love you, Papa Charlie.
Uh, yes, indeed.
Papa Charlie Juan, with
love from his daughters,
Sally, Irene, Mary and Catherine,
and his dutiful sons-in-law,
Turkey, Harold and Juan.
You read Chinese very well, Martin.
What's the matter?
The inscription reads,
"To the honorable Shen Fong,
"on the occasion of the opening
of his new tailoring establishment,
"with the best wishes of the
Hong Kong Merchants Association."
(ALL LAUGHING)
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Now, now, children, please,
don't upset yourselves.
It's a spirit that counts.
And the spirit here is
one of a loving family.
And I am deeply touched.
Papa Charlie, make a wish.
I wish that each and every one of you.
gets what he deserves.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Very good.
Charming sentiments. Charming.
Isn't he a lovely man?
Yes, he is a lovely, lovely person.
Papa Charlie.
"I am exceedingly
loved, which is good,
"and exceedingly
rich, which is better.
"Else, how could we afford all these
expensive months in Hong Kong?"
Papa Charlie.
Papa Charlie.
"Oh, that's great!"
(ALL CLAPPING)
Oh, uh... You know, Papa Charlie,
something always puzzled me.
"The East is mysterious, Harold.
"What puzzled you?"
Well, we, uh...
We never see you go to a bank.
Um...
Where do you keep all your money?
"The fewer who know
where one keeps his
money, "the more
likely he is to keep it."
"The longer he keeps it, the longer
will he be blessed with love cakes."
Oh!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Very true, yes, Papa Charlie. Very true.
Very true.
Very good.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
Cut the cake for me. I have some visitors.
(SPEAKING CHINESE).
Mr. Robinson?
Yes, Kelly Robinson. This is Mr. Scott.
Gentlemen, you honor my house.
Will you accompany me
to my quarters, please?
Surely.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES).
(MUSIC CONTINUES).
From this point on,
I must ask you to
walk very closely
behind me in single file.
Why?
If you must have a reason, let
us say it is because of poison Ivy.
And as you walk, keep your
hands close to your sides.
Now, please, very carefully.
Forgive the whim of an old man.
My children sleep in the big
house, but this is where I sleep.
This is the kind of home
into which I was born.
It is the kind of home in which I will die.
I understand you are representatives
of the United States government.
After fashion, yes.
The Internal Revenue Service says
I owe a large sum of money in taxes.
I wish to return to Formosa,
the place of my birth.
But I cannot do so without a visa.
Your government has used its influence
to prevent Formosa's granting me one.
Uh, how do we fit in?
I have discussed my
debt to your government.
And they have indicated the visa
would be granted if I made a settlement.
How much?
A million dollars.
It was necessary for me to
liquidate all of my holdings.
But at last, I'm
able to offer you one
million dollars in
settlement of my debt.
Every penny I have.
I will die in poverty, but with
honor in my native village.
Do you mean you got a million
dollars to offer us right here?
Of course.
Will you accept it?
Well, I don't know.
We'll have to cable for instructions.
Do it quickly.
I say quickly.
Because there are three men in that house.
The honored husbands and
my three beloved daughters.
I've come to learn the truth
about the three marriages.
They are not exactly blessed.
My daughters were married for my money.
Therefore, I tell you again.
Get your instructions quickly.
Uh, why, sir?
Because if I should die in violence,
my soul would be restless.
And I'm sure neither of you
would want that to happen.
I wouldn't.
No?
Then act quickly.
For those men in there would kill
me if they knew what I was doing.
And they would kill you as well.
(Music)
Thank you.
Offer acceptable.
Three men have criminal records.
Highly dangerous. It buys extreme caution.
Details of transfer at your discretion.
Just take the million
dollars and run with it, huh?
That's what it says. With extreme caution.
Suppose he's got it in dimes.
Well, bring a bunch of paper bags.
Sure it doesn't bother you all this
business about extreme caution.
No, I just wonder where
he's got all that money.
Half a million in each shoe.
One of the tallest people you'll ever see.
Why not take his old million dollars,
slip off to Formosa some
dark night on some beach?
He really wants to die in
peace when he gets to Formosa.
I believe that part of it.
Four million dollars, he gets a passport,
gets rid of internal revenue,
and those three sons in law.
Well, if they knew
what he was up to, they
would slice him
into little tiny pieces.
Not a dignified way to die.
No, it's not.
And I suggest we use E.C.
in dealing with these men.
-Extreme caution.
-Certanily.
Excellent concept.
-Wait a minute, fellas. Can't we talk about this?
- Sure. Talk. Talk!
Awfully sorry, old boy.
Tell me, what exactly did
you want with Papa Charlie?
Well, it was nothing. It really was silly.
I had a shark's fin and I
wanted to make some soup.
He's got a recipe.
Turkey, this is... Huzzah!
Would you mind?
Wait, listen.
Listen, listen!
He's the one that wanted the soup.
And what did you want?
I just came by to listen to some
of his old fetch wall records.
Turkey, huzzah!
Oh, wait a minute. Hold it.
Hold it, fellas.
We'll tell you.
Splendid.
Everything that you want to know.
This... We were talking a deal.
Go on.
And we were dickering over price.
That's right.
Dickering for what?
Well, five grand now and
ten more when it's finished.
Turkey!
Now, wait a minute. Hold it.
Let me tell you about us!
Oh, Scotty, tell 'em.
You mean it?
Well, tell 'em!
Maybe they want to buy in.
Now, listen.
Straight up.
Kelly and I are really kind
men, see, and we're broke.
We haven't had a quarter.
And we had this wonderful opportunity.
We found this wonderful
acreage down by the waterfront
and we asked our friends
to come and see us.
We found this wonderful
acreage down by the waterfront
and we asked Papa Charlie to help us.
Whom we knew in the States.
Right.
And we asked him to finance the deal.
And that's it.
And was he interested?
Well, he... Yes.
Did he show you the money?
Sure, he did.
Well, not exactly his
money, but his bank book.
Oh, boy.
I have news for you.
Papa Charlie has no bank
account in any Hong Kong bank.
We've checked.
Turkey!
Why do you do that, Catherine?
Yeah, I hate him again, lady.
Yes, he deserves it.
Why do you do that again, Catherine?
And you too!
I told him downstairs
to arrest you if you
ever showed your
face in this hotel again.
Now look, Connie.
These are my father's friends.
He would not be pleased to
learn how you have treated them.
Now get out.
Out!
No, no, please.
Out!
Out!
I knew they'd be up to something
like this when they left the house.
I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner.
Oh.
Well, if you don't get beaten up
once in a while, you get soft, right, Cal?
Yes, that's right.
You just get so you don't appreciate.
Oh, give me a hand, will you?
Appreciate what?
Shut up.
Oh, you're Charlie Juan's daughter then.
I'm Catherine, the youngest.
You're the one that's not married.
Yes, why?
Well, it's sometimes a very
important piece of information.
Is my father's offer
acceptable to the government?
Yes, it is, and we're going to get
him his visa as soon as I get well.
Where do you hurt?
Well, it's really all over whenever I move.
I know a remedy.
Oh, where are you going?
To phone for the remedy.
Oh, what remedy is that?
Chicken soup.
Chicken soup.
(music).
Be sure you step where
I step and no place else.
Listen, we went through all this with
your father. Now, why are we walking
like Indians?
My father's had the
whole aerial mind with
anti-personnel minds.
Please be careful.
I'm walking like an Indian.
Right.
You have been in contact
with your government?
The deal's okay. You can pick
up your visa whenever you like.
Fine.
Now, about a million dollars.
Inside the stove?
No, not inside.
The stove itself. It is solid gold.
This is simple paint remover.
We'll take off the surface paint.
[Music].
(laughing)
What?
Well, I just got a picture of their
faces when we unload a million dollars
worth of stove on them.
Eight hundred seventy-five pounds worth.
Yeah.
Suppose by the
time it got to internal
revenue, it only weighed
eight hundred pounds.
See what you mean.
Well, the lid's loose. Maybe the Dampador.
Seventy-five pounds
worth of gold has
got to be worth a lot
of money in Macau.
Seventy-two thousand dollars.
You already figured it out, huh?
Yes, I did. Sixty dollars an
ounce, Chinese black market.
I think we can get seventy
dollars an ounce. I know a guy.
Seventy dollars an ounce? Wow.
A couple of one-way tickets to
Tahiti would scarcely put a dent in it.
Yeah. Have you ever seen a Tahitian hula?
[Singing]
Where we're at, why
don't we hack up a
couple of legs? We
may want to entertain.
Right!
No, we just lose our pension benefits.
You think we lose our jobs?
Yeah.
Such wonderful jobs, too.
And the hospitalization is free.
All those marvelous orthopedic devices?
I just love plaster of Paris.
Right.
Take a look in your rear mirror.
All right, lose 'em.
[Tires Squealing]
(gunshot)
What do they got back there, a cannon?
[Music]
Somehow I don't think
they're warning shots.
[Tires Squealing].
That's the idea.
Wonderful, boy. Wonderful.
All together now. One, two, three, he.
We got stuck that time, didn't we?
Carry on, old boy. That's the idea.
Scotty.
Hey.
You all right?
How would I know?
Splendid effort, old boy.
Yes, splendid.
A little stove in the car.
A stove.
My government's golden stove.
Come along, Wharton. Get a wiggle on.
It was nice doing business with you fellas.
[Chuckles]
[Grunting].
All those monkeys haven't got moxie.
I don't think they'll bother us anymore.
Shall we go?
[Door Opens].
Kelly.
Kelly.
Cal.
[Grunting]
Come on.
Boy.
I wish Carsten was here, man.
She gave those guys a shot.
[Sniffles].
Think he used some chicken soup.
You get off with it?
Yeah.
Come on. We gotta hitch a ride to town.
Oh, well, just... Let me give you a hand.
Yeah.
Boy, you look terrible.
Sorry about that.
[Music]
[Music].
What he say? What he say? Shut up.
Didn't she pin woman?
Who would've thought the old
boy would take it out in gold?
Smart. That old Charlie's smart.
Yeah, well, I don't
get it. Why? He
trusted those two
clowns with all his gold.
That's just a pin woman. That's Charlie.
What they talk so long?
What they talk so long?
You're settling the price.
Must surely be worth a million dollars.
A million, conservatively?
[Laughing]
Gentlemen, I regret
to inform you that it
is not worth what
you led me to expect.
[Laughing]
Oh, come on, artists.
They're all con artists.
It is not gold.
There's some gold leaf on it.
But the stove is principally
made of cast iron.
It's lies. It's dirty big lies. Shut up!
It's a phony. It's gold-plated.
Not even gold-plated.
Just a paper-thin veneer
of gold under the paint.
If you scrape it, you come to cast iron.
Prove it for yourself.
I'm sorry, gentlemen.
If it were gold,
well, we could've
made a very good deal.
Yes, double book. Yes, gold.
Yes, gold. Yes, gold.
[Music].
[Door opens]
[Music]
[Music].
You think I'm a deceitful old man?
How else could I have gotten
this visa for my birthplace?
By really giving them the gold.
Child. What is it?
There is no gold. It's gold.
What?
Gold.
But you are a wealthy man.
Oh. No more.
In the final days of my life,
my only legacy to you is love.
Listen to me.
I have been pretending wealth.
For me? There was no reason for it?
For your sisters.
So that their husbands would
stay with them our whole way of life.
These months, Hong Kong.
An expensive trick which has
cost me the wealth of a life to earn.
No.
[Music].
And yet it is not finished.
I must ask you to help me.
Yes.
My sons and loves. And the Americans
are chasing each other as they should.
Yet I need more time.
To fly to Formosa is only a few hours.
Until I am safely through customs.
You must keep everybody
occupied with that cast iron stole.
Catherine?
Yes.
You must do this.
Keep those fine young men and my
sons and loves at each other's throat.
Make sure that I am not followed.
And above all, do not
reveal where I am going.
Yes, father.
Father.
Please, take me with you.
That's not possible.
Father.
Please.
To go with me would mean to
live in poverty and destitution.
[Music]
You are lovely.
You are young.
And life should unfold for you.
Like an exquisite flower.
Embrace an old man.
His only prayer is for your happiness.
Oh.
Too tight?
I don't know. It feels just wonderful.
Hey, would you please take it easy.
Sorry about that.
You must have a rib pollution.
Hey, now.
What?
What's this?
What's what?
A scar shaped like a Crescent.
Oh, that one.
How did you get it?
Stalking the elusive quarry.
Beautiful. Where?
It was in old Tunis.
There was four of us.
On three camels.
We all knew that one of us was a spy.
Well, we stopped at an oasis.
None of us trusting the other.
Each on guard, each suspect.
He's suspicious.
Yeah?
Well, you got to get the picture.
It was desert, hot wind, oasis, full
moon, lonesome dog calling somewhere in
the distance.
Then what happened?
Well, a lonesome dog bit me.
I beg your pardon?
A dumb dog crying light
into my blankets and bit me.
Well, who was the spy?
No, I've given you plenty of
clues to figure out who the spy was.
Me?
Two of the others
were rug petters and
the other one was
looking for his camel.
Hold that.
Hold that.
Says his stoves can be bought at
the shop of Thai Fu on Kings Road.
You go.
Well, how can I judge a
stove without your opinion?
Force yourself.
Now, come on.
Kelly, it's a trap and you know it.
All right, if we know it,
it isn't a trap anymore.
Look, those guys are tough, man.
-They beat us two times out. They're not fooling around.
-Ah, it's tough.
They just don't play fair, that's all.
They always use the element of surprise.
Kelly.
Ah, what?
It's a trap.
Yeah, I imagine it is.
-Well, there it is.
-I wonder how it got there.
How do you know it's the same stove?
Well, I'm a stove bot, okay?
Yes, gentlemen.
Yes, sir.
I want to know about that lovely
stove you have in your window.
Oh, exquisite stove.
Truly a conversation piece, is it not?
One could plant many flowers in it.
It is indeed tempting, sir.
Where, if I may ask, sir, did
you come by this treasure?
Oh, three gentlemen offered it
to me for a very reasonable price,
which enables me to sell it to you
for less than the cost of the gold leaf
which covers it.
Gold leaf?
Not gold.
Oh, if it were truly gold, I should
never have to be thinking of planting
flowers in it now, would I?
You gentlemen, excuse me a moment.
Ah, sir, sir.
Come here, come on.
I'll say goodbye, sir.
Scotty, we've been had.
By good old Charlie, the folk millionaire.
Unloads an 875 pound home appliance on us.
Foamy.
Which makes us pretty comical.
I'm glad we're honest.
Honest?
Yep.
You take the lid and I'll take the time.
Oh, yeah.
We got a note.
Here's the stove.
Now, can the Rover boys be far behind?
See, I think maybe you have a point there.
They weren't out in front.
I wonder perhaps do you
think there might be any alley?
They are the type.
I tell you what, I'm a
little bitter about all this.
What about yourself?
Yes, I am.
What kind of shape are you in?
I'm in great shape.
Good.
And this time there's no element of
surprise, no car crashes, and it's only
three to two.
We owe it to ourselves.
Yes, we do.
Pride.
Pride.
The element of surprise.
Pride.
(Music)
(Music)
Now then, are we beautiful or not?
No time.
Did you see my fingers leave my finger?
Uh-oh.
(Music)
Well, how do you feel? A little better?
A little better.
A lot better.
Right, so do I.
Let's go catch ourselves a sly old fox.
(Music).
Yes.
It's all right, sir. Thank you. Anyway.
Yes. Well, thank you for your trouble.
Right on. Bye-bye.
No good. Formosus says old Charlie
went through emigration an hour ago.
Philosophic observation, if I may.
Go, my man.
Into each life, some goofs must fall.
Yeah, but so many in hours.
We have one consolation. We did
whip up on old Morton, Harold and Turkey.
Indeed, we did.
And I would share
with you in the warmth
and glory and
wonderfulness of that moment,
were it not for the
sadness of our government.
Right, short a million.
Right, an old foxy Charlie.
Dang laughing on old Formosus.
Right.
We could go to old Formosus, I suppose.
Right.
One of the island, looking up
a million nooks and crannies,
searching the coastline for
some sandpan, mountains, jungles.
We could grow very old looking
for old Charlie and old Formosus.
Yeah.
Despite the veracity of what you've said,
our government is still gonna be in
a veritable stint over its golden stove.
Huffy.
That too.
Think of something.
The philosophical
observation which pertains
is there is no way
to find a poor old man
with nothing to call us home but millions.
Without a road map.
Catherine.
Boy.
You are a beautiful woman.
Is that why you came here to tell me that?
Unfortunately.
We came to ask you
where your father's gone.
A village in Formosa, he told you that.
Where is the village, Catherine?
Where Serenity is and the long sunset.
That sounds like a nice address.
My father's where the days of his
dying will be gentle and undisturbed.
Catherine, if you want your father to
have all those wonderful things you've
been talking about, why are you
trying to kill him before his time?
How dare you say that?
He's used us to get his
son-in-law off his back.
We were patchies enough to do that for him.
But they're not through.
They don't know any more than you do.
Honey, they'll never be through.
They'll follow him to
the ends of the earth.
How long do you think it's gonna take
them to find out he went to Formosa?
They'll find him wherever he went.
And they'll make him talk.
They'll cut him into little
pieces for his millions.
I'm told, unless we can get to him first.
There are no millions. There is nothing.
My father spent his last penny for passage.
It is the truth.
Why do you not let poor man die in peace?
Why do you have to...
Catherine, that's the point.
He won't, unless he
honors his deal with us.
He has no money.
I helped him pack all his
possessions, everything he has.
There was nothing.
Only the household goods
he needs to start a new life.
He has no million dollars.
What must I do to convince you of that?
It's simple, honey.
Take us to him.
No.
All right, then your fine
relatives will get to him.
If I tell you, then, well, what happens?
Okay, then your brothers and
ma will be sent back to the States.
They'll be denied
any passports, visas,
or exit permits while
your father lives.
Will he be allowed to stay in Formosa?
That depends on it.
First things first, help us keep him alive.
Perky, Sergeant Harold!
Help me!
Stay back where you are!
You're gonna get...
You take another step and
she'll get you killed the same way.
Don't worry, I'll guide you!
Sure she will, right
into another land mine.
Catherine, what are you doing to us?
She wants you dead, is what she's doing.
Right?
It is that I want my father to stay alive!
When you were
done with them, you'd
find something else
for us, wouldn't you?
Honey, it's so simple.
Just do as we ask.
Tell us where your father is.
No! I can't!
All right, now listen.
You tell us where he is, or I'm gonna
turn you over to Harold and Morton.
Now you better believe it.
Do that, old boy!
Listen, they've gotta be put away
where they can't hurt anybody else,
and we've got to find your father.
Come on!
I'll take you to him.
All right, guide us out of here.
[music playing]
[music playing]
[speaking in foreign language]
[speaking in foreign language].
Go by, little boy.
[music playing]
[music playing].
[speaking in foreign language]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
[music playing]
Now he has a cone cot.
Excuse me, madam.
[clicking]
Papa.
Gold, Papa Charlie?
Platinum.
Phew.
Tell him to go home.
Please go home.
Our business day is over.
Thank you, Papa Charlie.
Platinum, huh? All of it?
Platinum.
Pure exquisite platinum.
Phew.
Very well.
You told us that
you count out for us
one million dollars worth.
Knives, forks, spoons,
any grouping of your choice.
You will leave me penniless.
Leading the life of a beggar.
With no coin to take to my ancestors.
You want to bet, Papa Charlie?
Count to a million.
[music playing]
I am worthless.
I am poor.
Without anything.
Child.
You lied to me.
You deceived me.
Why?
I should never have nurtured
you at the bosom of the West.
You have forgotten the key to our survival.
Oriental guile.
[music playing]
Good afternoon, my dear.
Sir.
Yes.
I would like to have an enormous
house, seven cars and three ducks.
And a Peruvian dame.
Top of coffee, sir?
Yes, sir.
[music playing]
[music playing]
How's your mougu guy, Pam?
About the same.
How's your man, Rendell?
No different.
Hey, it says here Harold and Morton
are on their way back to the States.
Under guard.
Good.
I couldn't stand that Morton.
[knocking]
Come in.
Oh, how you doing, Mr. Farley?
We've been waiting for you.
Really?
Yes.
Hello, Mr. Chair.
Thank you.
So that you might be interested in
knowing the full assay of what you
recovered for the government.
Well, we would appreciate it.
Sorry to say, I did not tally with
the preliminary assay in Taipei.
Four ounces short.
Current rate for unrefined
platinum is $140 an ounce.
So you were over $400 short.
Now I think you-- We know
what you think, Mr. Farley.
And you're wrong.
See this?
Two forks, approximate weight, four ounces.
Here's a box addressed to the
Department of Internal Revenue.
I don't understand.
Well, we have a friend who
has been known to boast
that he once ate fettuccine
with golden spoons.
The alfredos are wrong.
And the next time this guy opens his
big mouth, we just want to be able to
say, big deal, et cetera, et cetera.
Credit us with any
overage, will you, Mr. Farley?
Please pass the Mugu-Gai-Pan.
Hey, Roy!
Hey!
Hey, Wilford!
Put that right down there.
We're going to try some of
this man-made cotton candy.
Let's get the actual-- Best
man-made-- Best man ever.
(upbeat music).