I Love That for You (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
"Isn't It Easy" by Goldmyth plays...
[♪]
♪ I don't want to think it out ♪
♪ Just move by feeling ♪
♪ for a while ♪
♪ 'Cause I turn it inside out ♪
♪ And out and out ♪
♪ Easy ♪
♪ Isn't it easy? ♪
[sighs]
[Slow, somber music]
Feel that velvety,
100% polyester microfleece.
It is like getting a hug
from a really good friend
on a day when you
really need it.
And I am such a hugger.
- Are you a hugger?
- Yes.
Now, this is item H-9891,
the Twinsies Tandem Snuggie
by Sunday Sensations.
It feels so good,
and it's such a mood lifter.
Throw out your Prozac, y'all.
Just kidding.
Please don't do that.
But, seriously, I just feel
so loved up and cozy
wearing this.
It's like we're two BFFs.
And do you know that I just met
Danielle 20 minutes ago?
Can't you just imagine
curling up under this
with your closest gal pal
and watching a fun movie,
and having a nice glass of wine?
- Oh, I love wine.
- [laughs]
- Me, too.
- Oh, my God.
Upbeat music
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
Morning.
[chuckles]
Hi.
Ugh. Sorry I'm walking
sideways, side to side.
[chuckles]
I guess I'm just tired
because I didn't get
- much sleep last night.
- Why not?
Um, I don't know, I guess
I was doing all kinds of sex
and getting absolutely slammed
and topped.
I'm-a get me some. Mm-hmm.
Hey, Perry, you should have
put a ring on it.
Listen, I don't believe
in marriage,
but mazel, you little hooker.
- [both laugh]
- Hey, Joanna,
could you maybe read the room?
Potato is sick.
I spent $700 on inhalers
at the vet,
and nothing is working.
All right, come on.
I could have spent that money
on snow tires.
So, I heard you fucked Jordan.
That's cool.
Yeah. It was so good.
So, obviously,
I'm very exhausted.
He's so sweet.
So charitable of him.
Wait, does he know that
you fucked your doctor?
- [shaking salad]
- What?
I saw you in the parking lot.
I mean, if you're not
fucking your doctor,
why is he giving you meatballs?
Well, I don't owe you
an explanation,
but because I'm a good person,
I'll give you one.
Mm.
The reason that my doctor
gave me meatballs
is because he's Italian,
and it's part of his culture.
So, hmm.
Here's an idea.
Um, why don't you mind
your own beeswax
and go get fucked
in your own pussy?
- Bye, friend.
- [chuckles sarcastically]
- [exhales]
- [rapid footsteps]
Do you think I'm pretty?
Do you think I'm a ten?
Beth Ann, I cannot
do this right now.
Okay, but I feel,
like, really gross,
and it's just gonna take,
like, two seconds.
Okay, you're a ten.
Well, now I feel like
I can't tell if you mean it
'cause you feel like
you had to say it.
Beth Ann, is that something
you desperately need
from me right now?
To tell you that you're pretty?
You get told it all the time.
You're very pretty.
Oh, yeah, like,
you don't need people
to tell you that you're a ten?
'Cause I think you're a ten.
That wasn't so hard
for me to say.
Well, I just said it to you!
But you didn't mean it.
You didn't mean it.
[heavy, rapid footsteps]
[Tranquil music]
[♪]
Encantada.
[gasps]
[sniffing heavily]
Jesus fucking Christ.
The discourse is toxic.
The discourse is toxic.
Don't you think
the discourse is toxic?
No. Declare.
The discourse is toxic.
Ah, yes, I-I read that article.
Haricots verts.
Taxi.
Yes, uptown.
Darcy?
Fuck.
Fuck!
[phone line ringing]
Hi, it's Emmet.
I'm not here right now.
- Leave a message.
- [beep]
contemplative music
[♪]
[Jackie]
I stand in my power,
I stand in my strength.
I stand in my power,
I stand in my strength.
I stand in my power,
- I stand in my strength.
- [phone chimes]
Holy shit.
Thank you... thank you...
thank you.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[groans]
[groans]
"Duck"? Come on.
"Yes." Oh, good.
[sultry R & B playing]
Thinkin' 'bout you
Your tattoos are so cool.
Hmm, thanks.
What do they mean?
Um, well, uh...
Oh, this is my dog.
And, uh, uh, well,
this is just a flower.
I can't get a tattoo.
Why not?
Because if you get a tattoo,
you can't be buried
in a Jewish cemetery.
Oh. How come?
Hmm. Nobody knows.
- Hey, um, what's this one?
- Garfield.
I was kind of obsessed
with Garfield as a kid.
Um, yeah. Who wasn't?
He loves lasagna.
And hates Mondays.
I really like you.
You're basically my favorite guy
in the world.
- Wow.
- Except my dad.
But I've known him for longer.
That's totally fair.
That makes sense.
- [music stops]
- [beep]
I don't want to pry, you know,
and-and we totally don't have
to get into anything
that you don't want to,
but, um,
we haven't really talked about
your whole prognosis.
Oh.
I don't want you to feel
like you can't talk about
what's really going on
with you.
Oh, y... you're worried
about me.
I mean, yeah, a little bit.
[chuckles]
You know, I'll, I'll give you
all the details...
at some point,
but, um, I just...
Just, could we just stay
in this, like,
perfect little moment
and just be here?
Yes. Yeah, absolutely.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to...
- No.
- Let's just... Okay.
- Of course. All right. Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
All right.
[jazz piano playing]
[♪]
- Hello, Patricia.
- Hey, baby.
I love Le Petit Swordfish.
It's so fun.
Look at that big fish
on the wall.
I wonder who caught that fish.
[both laugh]
I know we're three hours
from the beach,
but for some reason,
when I'm here, I feel like
I'm sitting on a boat
or something.
[chuckling]
You are such a goofy bitch.
- You look pretty.
- Thank you.
Every woman deserves
a luscious mane.
Even if it's on the forehead.
And statistically,
the forehead is where
- the face meets the hair.
- Exactly.
So why not highlight
that beautiful space?
- Right?
- Mm-hmm.
This is why I love
Bangerz of Beverly Hills.
They are so fun,
confidence-boosting,
easy to wear,
great for a night out.
- No commitment.
- Okay.
Are you ready to get banged?
On camera?
I swore I never would.
[both laugh]
Just be gentle,
it's been a while.
All right. Okay.
And just remember that
I have a very small,
tiny little head.
I have big hair,
but a small head.
- Okay. And you just got banged.
- [gasps]
[gasps]
Who is she?
And, you know, for you ladies
at home who aren't ready
to commit to permanent bangs,
these are a super fun
and great way
to just pretend you're
someone else for a night.
Mm. Wouldn't my husband
love that?
- Right?
- [both laugh]
You know, it's so funny
to see bangs again.
I haven't had bangs
since I was 17.
- Really?
- Which was actually how old
- I was when I met Austin.
- Oh.
He was my mom's boyfriend
for two weeks.
- Oh.
- Cut to 11 years later.
My two beautiful children
are like,
[high-pitched]
"Why haven't we met Grandma?"
[laughing]
Wow.
Today we have the Icy Blonde,
the Sass Brown,
which is this really rich brown,
and the Midnight Magic is wow.
[laughs]
That is really working
for you, girl, don't you think?
Um, Beth Ann? [laughs]
I never should have
- brought your ass to Wimbledon.
- [Jackie laughs]
Big deal. So I spilled a glass
of beer on John McEnroe.
- Boo-hoo.
- You embarrassed me
in front
of the whole Sackler family.
Oh, they loved it,
and you know it.
Pat, I have to say,
I am so glad
you finally asked me to lunch.
It really has been too long.
[quietly]
Jackie.
Listen,
I'm going through some shit.
It's hard for me to say it.
But I got to tell you something.
I understand.
Don't worry about it.
I can get us started today.
So, you know my astrologer.
- Pam.
- Pam. Yes, Pam.
Pam told me that
in the next chapter of my life,
I really need
to stand in my power.
- Right.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- So, I know
the last time we talked,
I was maybe a little too vague
about the kinds of things
I was envisioning
selling on my show, but...
stay with me...
this is a perfect example.
Ta-da!
What the fuck is that?
This is a Crystal Buddy.
Now, each Buddy comes
with its own stone
for a variety
of healing purposes.
They're basically like
energy channelers.
This is Swagger Buddy.
He actually played quite a part
in getting us to sit together
today at lunch.
- Oh, he did?
- Yes, he did.
Did you know, Pat,
that I was holding him
the very second
that you texted me
to ask me to go out
for lunch today?
You want to say
that's a coincidence?
I don't think so.
This is just one example
of the kind of thing
I would sell
on a Beautiful You I control,
where I get to sell things
that reflect the new person
that I am growing into.
So Pam gave you
these Canal Street rocks,
and now she wants you
to sell these on air, huh?
Let me guess.
You owe her money?
No. No, I don't.
It's not like that.
So you don't owe her money?
No.
I mean, well, I mean, a little,
but that's not the reason why...
So you do. You do owe her money!
And now I'm supposed to sit here
while you tell me this fucking
crystal turd
summoned me here somehow?
Okay, now I feel like
you're being really rude.
These are very well made, Pat,
but they're not indestructible,
so please be careful. Thank you.
No, no, no, Jackie.
Let me tell you what's rude.
The whole time
you're sitting here
munching on a crab cake
I'm buying,
you're just waiting for
the right moment to hit me up
with this big scam
you and Pam cooked up.
It's not a scam.
It all makes sense now.
Marty's gone,
so you come crawling back
to your old pal Patricia
to clean up your mess.
Well, guess what.
I'm still sick of it.
You want to know why
you don't like your contract?
Because Pam fucking did it
before she was disbarred!
Now, the two of you
can play sticker book
with whatever white nonsense
you want,
but keep it away
from my network.
This is so classic.
Classic you.
This might seem like just
some big, stupid joke to you,
but do you know that this
actually means something to me?
It's important to me, okay?
To me.
You never change,
you know that?
And you never let anyone else
change, and that's why
maybe your own son doesn't want
to speak to you.
Slow, melancholy music
The fuck?
Yeah. Guess what.
He texted me today,
and he told me
that you called him,
but he said he doesn't want
to talk to you.
Very interesting. Huh.
But he still wants
to talk to me.
I think it's time
you leave Le Petit Swordfish.
Fine. We're leaving.
You're welcome
for the crab cakes.
They were mostly filler.
Bitch, I didn't make 'em.
- Oh, my God.
- This is so cute.
Does that look like it'd be
the right size for me? Okay.
You can just add it
to my friend's bill.
Thank you.
[imitates gunshot]
Hey, Jackie, knock, knock.
We got a late change
to the Infinite Luxuries
Essentials Infinity Scarf.
We are pulling
the Grecian Greige.
You good with that?
You got it, hon?
Jackie?
Intense music
[♪]
Jackie?!
Fuck... my... life!
Jackie, are you in there?
It's Deb.
Well, is Jackie in there
with you?
- No?
- Wrong answer, Deb!
Arch your back, and then
you're gonna feel it
in your hamstrings.
Okay, well, that's how
I fucked up my shoulder...
- Hey!
- Aah!
Been a!
Actionable! What the fuck?
You what the fuck!
Have you seen Jackie?
Beautiful You's on in 15,
and she's nowhere to be found.
Well, did you check
her dressing room?
Oh, I didn't think of that.
Great idea.
Did you text her?
Oh, what a great idea
to text her.
You know, I guess
it just didn't occur to me
'cause I'm just a stupid woman
with a giant Hello Kitty head
that goes "Meow, meow, meow"!
- Go help me find her!
- I've got to go.
Eyes on Jackie, eyes on Jackie.
What's going on?
Jackie's missing.
[gasps]
Who's going on for her?
Is she okay? Was it drugs?
Who's going on for her?
- I don't know. What? No. Stop!
- I think I can do it.
I think it should be me.
She would have wanted that.
- I don't think she's dead.
- I know. I'm just saying
I can do it.
I can save the show.
Okay, go, yeah.
Go to hair and makeup.
Okay, boss. Wait, wait.
Bangerz? Yay? Nay?
Not mad.
[squeals]
Jackie's missing,
but I got it covered.
Beth Ann's already
in hair and makeup.
- [sighs]
- I'm sorry.
[door closes]
Contemplative music
[♪]
Mmm.
Joanna?
Hmm. Oh, you're here,
uh, in my...
You're gonna fill in
for Jackie on Beautiful You.
What? Where's Jackie?
Is she okay?
- She's fine.
- Okay, well, um...
I'm really flattered,
but I just...
You know, I wouldn't want Jackie
to feel, like,
weird or-or, like, betrayed.
She just betrayed
the whole fucking network.
Now, listen,
you've been doing really well
here, you know?
You've grown a lot.
And if this goes well,
maybe you get your own show.
Joanna, I really need
your help right now.
You know what it's like
to have stress on top of cancer.
Now, you don't want to do it,
I can always send in Beth Ann.
Huh?
Heather, that is not
a nose contour.
I asked for Dubai, not Kabul.
Hi. Beth Ann, I'm sorry.
We need the chair.
[woman]
Going live in ten, people.
What?
[quietly]
I tried.
I hate you!
[grunts]
- She didn't mean that.
- I think she did.
- Yeah, she did.
- Okay.
[upbeat theme music playing]
[female announcer]
Next up on Beautiful You,
Jackie Stilton brings
you amazing deals and steals
to make a more beautiful you.
Welcome to Beautiful You
Welcome
to Beautiful You.
Hello, beautiful people,
and welcome to Beautiful You.
I'm Joanna Gold,
and I am so sad that Jackie
couldn't be here today,
but one thing that I do know is
that she'd want us to have fun.
Now let's look
at our first product.
It's an absolute favorite
of Jackie's.
This is the Infinite Luxury
Essentials Infinity Scarf.
Now... the problem
with traditional scarves is
that they end,
and not always
where we want 'em to.
But this scarf,
it goes on forever.
Do we love?
Okay, and I just want
to show you with this scarf
how many times
I can wrap it around my neck.
It's really incredible.
Okay, here's one.
And two.
And three times.
Hmm? And four times.
- And guess what.
- [man] And cutting to "B."
Time number five.
Now, here's what I love,
and I am so freaking jazzed
about this.
For the first time ever,
Fabulously Ageless
is offering us
this breathtaking,
128-ounce, pump-top jug.
Now, we have a caller right now.
I'm hear... I'm just hearing
that we have a caller.
This is Cristal from Boca Raton.
Cristal, hello. How are you?
[Southern accent]
Hi!
Now, tell me, Cristal,
how many gorgeous tubs and jugs
of cream did you get today?
Oh, no,
I don't want any cream tubs.
[Jackie] [no accent]
I was just wondering where
you got that pretty bracelet
with that lobster claw clasp.
Just has that air
of sophistication, you know?
Contemplative music
[♪]
Uh...
Well, I can't remember exactly
where I got, uh, my bracelet.
But we are talking creams
right now,
and it is time to, uh,
move on to the serum.
So, Cristal, I'm going to, uh,
bid you a good afternoon,
and we'll talk
to you soon, then.
But... and, and, and now
onto the serum, which I...
was a favorite of mine.
Oh, it's Mr. Meat.
Hey, Gumdrop.
Those are cute shoes.
Oh, what? Thank you.
You're so sweet.
[both chuckle]
Oh, my God. I swear,
if one more person says
I look like Zooey Deschanel in
these bangs, I'm gonna scream.
Oh, honey, you're so much
prettier than Zooey.
- What?! [laughs] No.
- [laughs]
Yeah.
[sighs]
Oh. What is that?
What are you doing?
I'm just putting one last rub
on this steak,
and I got to let it sit
for an hour.
- You want to try some?
- No, no, no.
I don't eat red meat
'cause Austin's against it,
'cause it's... it's unhealthy,
and we like to keep it natch.
'Cause we don't believe
in hospitals
'cause of the 5G, et cetera,
and all the carcinogens
and stuff, so, you know?
I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.
But I do know, what Austin
don't know won't hurt him.
Come on. Come on.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. That's been frozen
for 72 hours.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Well...
- Ooh!
- Mmm!
[both moaning]
Darcy?
Yes.
Sit down.
You might think
I don't see you.
But I do.
Oh.
Okay.
That's for you.
You go have fun, okay?
[door closes]
[Slow, gentle music]
[retching]
[dog barking in distance]
Jackie?
Jackie, please.
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
Boo, I need to talk...
- You're so good.
- I'm so bad.
- I'm so fucking bad.
- You're so good. Oh!
- [Perry] I'm so fucking bad.
- You're so good.
- [Perry] Yes. Yes.
- Oh, oh, oh!
- [Perry] Yes...
- Oh, my God, you're good at sex.
- [Perry] I know.
- Oh, my God, you're...
- [knocking]
- Go away!
[knocking]
Jackie, will you let me in?
- [knocking]
- Please?
[knocking]
[Jackie sighs]
[beeping]
[automated voice] Disarmed.
What are you doing here?
[sighs]
I'm so sorry.
Can I please explain?
No. I don't want to hear.
Jackie, I... I just...
I got thrown into it, okay?
And, by the way,
it felt horrible.
Didn't look that way.
Looked like it felt great.
[sighs]
Look, if I'm being honest,
I just...
I wanted to be you.
You have this, like,
very glamorous life,
and you're so put together,
and...
[sighs]
All right, come in.
Thank you.
[sighs]
"A Little Respect"
by Erasure play...
♪ I try to discover ♪
♪ A little something
to make me sweeter ♪
♪ Oh, baby, refrain ♪
♪ From breaking my heart ♪
♪ I'm so in love with you ♪
♪ I'll be forever blue ♪
♪ That you give me no reason ♪
♪ Why you make me work ♪
♪ so hard ♪
♪ That you give me no,
that you give me no ♪
♪ That you give me
no, that you give me no ♪
♪ Soul ♪
♪ I hear you calling ♪
♪ Oh, baby, please ♪
♪ Give a little respect ♪
♪ To me ♪
♪ And if I should falter ♪
♪ Would you open ♪
♪ Your arms out to me? ♪
♪ We can make love, not war ♪
♪ And live at peace
with our hearts ♪
♪ I'm so in love with you ♪
[man]
No traipsing.
[♪]
♪ I don't want to think it out ♪
♪ Just move by feeling ♪
♪ for a while ♪
♪ 'Cause I turn it inside out ♪
♪ And out and out ♪
♪ Easy ♪
♪ Isn't it easy? ♪
[sighs]
[Slow, somber music]
Feel that velvety,
100% polyester microfleece.
It is like getting a hug
from a really good friend
on a day when you
really need it.
And I am such a hugger.
- Are you a hugger?
- Yes.
Now, this is item H-9891,
the Twinsies Tandem Snuggie
by Sunday Sensations.
It feels so good,
and it's such a mood lifter.
Throw out your Prozac, y'all.
Just kidding.
Please don't do that.
But, seriously, I just feel
so loved up and cozy
wearing this.
It's like we're two BFFs.
And do you know that I just met
Danielle 20 minutes ago?
Can't you just imagine
curling up under this
with your closest gal pal
and watching a fun movie,
and having a nice glass of wine?
- Oh, I love wine.
- [laughs]
- Me, too.
- Oh, my God.
Upbeat music
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
Morning.
[chuckles]
Hi.
Ugh. Sorry I'm walking
sideways, side to side.
[chuckles]
I guess I'm just tired
because I didn't get
- much sleep last night.
- Why not?
Um, I don't know, I guess
I was doing all kinds of sex
and getting absolutely slammed
and topped.
I'm-a get me some. Mm-hmm.
Hey, Perry, you should have
put a ring on it.
Listen, I don't believe
in marriage,
but mazel, you little hooker.
- [both laugh]
- Hey, Joanna,
could you maybe read the room?
Potato is sick.
I spent $700 on inhalers
at the vet,
and nothing is working.
All right, come on.
I could have spent that money
on snow tires.
So, I heard you fucked Jordan.
That's cool.
Yeah. It was so good.
So, obviously,
I'm very exhausted.
He's so sweet.
So charitable of him.
Wait, does he know that
you fucked your doctor?
- [shaking salad]
- What?
I saw you in the parking lot.
I mean, if you're not
fucking your doctor,
why is he giving you meatballs?
Well, I don't owe you
an explanation,
but because I'm a good person,
I'll give you one.
Mm.
The reason that my doctor
gave me meatballs
is because he's Italian,
and it's part of his culture.
So, hmm.
Here's an idea.
Um, why don't you mind
your own beeswax
and go get fucked
in your own pussy?
- Bye, friend.
- [chuckles sarcastically]
- [exhales]
- [rapid footsteps]
Do you think I'm pretty?
Do you think I'm a ten?
Beth Ann, I cannot
do this right now.
Okay, but I feel,
like, really gross,
and it's just gonna take,
like, two seconds.
Okay, you're a ten.
Well, now I feel like
I can't tell if you mean it
'cause you feel like
you had to say it.
Beth Ann, is that something
you desperately need
from me right now?
To tell you that you're pretty?
You get told it all the time.
You're very pretty.
Oh, yeah, like,
you don't need people
to tell you that you're a ten?
'Cause I think you're a ten.
That wasn't so hard
for me to say.
Well, I just said it to you!
But you didn't mean it.
You didn't mean it.
[heavy, rapid footsteps]
[Tranquil music]
[♪]
Encantada.
[gasps]
[sniffing heavily]
Jesus fucking Christ.
The discourse is toxic.
The discourse is toxic.
Don't you think
the discourse is toxic?
No. Declare.
The discourse is toxic.
Ah, yes, I-I read that article.
Haricots verts.
Taxi.
Yes, uptown.
Darcy?
Fuck.
Fuck!
[phone line ringing]
Hi, it's Emmet.
I'm not here right now.
- Leave a message.
- [beep]
contemplative music
[♪]
[Jackie]
I stand in my power,
I stand in my strength.
I stand in my power,
I stand in my strength.
I stand in my power,
- I stand in my strength.
- [phone chimes]
Holy shit.
Thank you... thank you...
thank you.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
[groans]
[groans]
"Duck"? Come on.
"Yes." Oh, good.
[sultry R & B playing]
Thinkin' 'bout you
Your tattoos are so cool.
Hmm, thanks.
What do they mean?
Um, well, uh...
Oh, this is my dog.
And, uh, uh, well,
this is just a flower.
I can't get a tattoo.
Why not?
Because if you get a tattoo,
you can't be buried
in a Jewish cemetery.
Oh. How come?
Hmm. Nobody knows.
- Hey, um, what's this one?
- Garfield.
I was kind of obsessed
with Garfield as a kid.
Um, yeah. Who wasn't?
He loves lasagna.
And hates Mondays.
I really like you.
You're basically my favorite guy
in the world.
- Wow.
- Except my dad.
But I've known him for longer.
That's totally fair.
That makes sense.
- [music stops]
- [beep]
I don't want to pry, you know,
and-and we totally don't have
to get into anything
that you don't want to,
but, um,
we haven't really talked about
your whole prognosis.
Oh.
I don't want you to feel
like you can't talk about
what's really going on
with you.
Oh, y... you're worried
about me.
I mean, yeah, a little bit.
[chuckles]
You know, I'll, I'll give you
all the details...
at some point,
but, um, I just...
Just, could we just stay
in this, like,
perfect little moment
and just be here?
Yes. Yeah, absolutely.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to...
- No.
- Let's just... Okay.
- Of course. All right. Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
All right.
[jazz piano playing]
[♪]
- Hello, Patricia.
- Hey, baby.
I love Le Petit Swordfish.
It's so fun.
Look at that big fish
on the wall.
I wonder who caught that fish.
[both laugh]
I know we're three hours
from the beach,
but for some reason,
when I'm here, I feel like
I'm sitting on a boat
or something.
[chuckling]
You are such a goofy bitch.
- You look pretty.
- Thank you.
Every woman deserves
a luscious mane.
Even if it's on the forehead.
And statistically,
the forehead is where
- the face meets the hair.
- Exactly.
So why not highlight
that beautiful space?
- Right?
- Mm-hmm.
This is why I love
Bangerz of Beverly Hills.
They are so fun,
confidence-boosting,
easy to wear,
great for a night out.
- No commitment.
- Okay.
Are you ready to get banged?
On camera?
I swore I never would.
[both laugh]
Just be gentle,
it's been a while.
All right. Okay.
And just remember that
I have a very small,
tiny little head.
I have big hair,
but a small head.
- Okay. And you just got banged.
- [gasps]
[gasps]
Who is she?
And, you know, for you ladies
at home who aren't ready
to commit to permanent bangs,
these are a super fun
and great way
to just pretend you're
someone else for a night.
Mm. Wouldn't my husband
love that?
- Right?
- [both laugh]
You know, it's so funny
to see bangs again.
I haven't had bangs
since I was 17.
- Really?
- Which was actually how old
- I was when I met Austin.
- Oh.
He was my mom's boyfriend
for two weeks.
- Oh.
- Cut to 11 years later.
My two beautiful children
are like,
[high-pitched]
"Why haven't we met Grandma?"
[laughing]
Wow.
Today we have the Icy Blonde,
the Sass Brown,
which is this really rich brown,
and the Midnight Magic is wow.
[laughs]
That is really working
for you, girl, don't you think?
Um, Beth Ann? [laughs]
I never should have
- brought your ass to Wimbledon.
- [Jackie laughs]
Big deal. So I spilled a glass
of beer on John McEnroe.
- Boo-hoo.
- You embarrassed me
in front
of the whole Sackler family.
Oh, they loved it,
and you know it.
Pat, I have to say,
I am so glad
you finally asked me to lunch.
It really has been too long.
[quietly]
Jackie.
Listen,
I'm going through some shit.
It's hard for me to say it.
But I got to tell you something.
I understand.
Don't worry about it.
I can get us started today.
So, you know my astrologer.
- Pam.
- Pam. Yes, Pam.
Pam told me that
in the next chapter of my life,
I really need
to stand in my power.
- Right.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- So, I know
the last time we talked,
I was maybe a little too vague
about the kinds of things
I was envisioning
selling on my show, but...
stay with me...
this is a perfect example.
Ta-da!
What the fuck is that?
This is a Crystal Buddy.
Now, each Buddy comes
with its own stone
for a variety
of healing purposes.
They're basically like
energy channelers.
This is Swagger Buddy.
He actually played quite a part
in getting us to sit together
today at lunch.
- Oh, he did?
- Yes, he did.
Did you know, Pat,
that I was holding him
the very second
that you texted me
to ask me to go out
for lunch today?
You want to say
that's a coincidence?
I don't think so.
This is just one example
of the kind of thing
I would sell
on a Beautiful You I control,
where I get to sell things
that reflect the new person
that I am growing into.
So Pam gave you
these Canal Street rocks,
and now she wants you
to sell these on air, huh?
Let me guess.
You owe her money?
No. No, I don't.
It's not like that.
So you don't owe her money?
No.
I mean, well, I mean, a little,
but that's not the reason why...
So you do. You do owe her money!
And now I'm supposed to sit here
while you tell me this fucking
crystal turd
summoned me here somehow?
Okay, now I feel like
you're being really rude.
These are very well made, Pat,
but they're not indestructible,
so please be careful. Thank you.
No, no, no, Jackie.
Let me tell you what's rude.
The whole time
you're sitting here
munching on a crab cake
I'm buying,
you're just waiting for
the right moment to hit me up
with this big scam
you and Pam cooked up.
It's not a scam.
It all makes sense now.
Marty's gone,
so you come crawling back
to your old pal Patricia
to clean up your mess.
Well, guess what.
I'm still sick of it.
You want to know why
you don't like your contract?
Because Pam fucking did it
before she was disbarred!
Now, the two of you
can play sticker book
with whatever white nonsense
you want,
but keep it away
from my network.
This is so classic.
Classic you.
This might seem like just
some big, stupid joke to you,
but do you know that this
actually means something to me?
It's important to me, okay?
To me.
You never change,
you know that?
And you never let anyone else
change, and that's why
maybe your own son doesn't want
to speak to you.
Slow, melancholy music
The fuck?
Yeah. Guess what.
He texted me today,
and he told me
that you called him,
but he said he doesn't want
to talk to you.
Very interesting. Huh.
But he still wants
to talk to me.
I think it's time
you leave Le Petit Swordfish.
Fine. We're leaving.
You're welcome
for the crab cakes.
They were mostly filler.
Bitch, I didn't make 'em.
- Oh, my God.
- This is so cute.
Does that look like it'd be
the right size for me? Okay.
You can just add it
to my friend's bill.
Thank you.
[imitates gunshot]
Hey, Jackie, knock, knock.
We got a late change
to the Infinite Luxuries
Essentials Infinity Scarf.
We are pulling
the Grecian Greige.
You good with that?
You got it, hon?
Jackie?
Intense music
[♪]
Jackie?!
Fuck... my... life!
Jackie, are you in there?
It's Deb.
Well, is Jackie in there
with you?
- No?
- Wrong answer, Deb!
Arch your back, and then
you're gonna feel it
in your hamstrings.
Okay, well, that's how
I fucked up my shoulder...
- Hey!
- Aah!
Been a!
Actionable! What the fuck?
You what the fuck!
Have you seen Jackie?
Beautiful You's on in 15,
and she's nowhere to be found.
Well, did you check
her dressing room?
Oh, I didn't think of that.
Great idea.
Did you text her?
Oh, what a great idea
to text her.
You know, I guess
it just didn't occur to me
'cause I'm just a stupid woman
with a giant Hello Kitty head
that goes "Meow, meow, meow"!
- Go help me find her!
- I've got to go.
Eyes on Jackie, eyes on Jackie.
What's going on?
Jackie's missing.
[gasps]
Who's going on for her?
Is she okay? Was it drugs?
Who's going on for her?
- I don't know. What? No. Stop!
- I think I can do it.
I think it should be me.
She would have wanted that.
- I don't think she's dead.
- I know. I'm just saying
I can do it.
I can save the show.
Okay, go, yeah.
Go to hair and makeup.
Okay, boss. Wait, wait.
Bangerz? Yay? Nay?
Not mad.
[squeals]
Jackie's missing,
but I got it covered.
Beth Ann's already
in hair and makeup.
- [sighs]
- I'm sorry.
[door closes]
Contemplative music
[♪]
Mmm.
Joanna?
Hmm. Oh, you're here,
uh, in my...
You're gonna fill in
for Jackie on Beautiful You.
What? Where's Jackie?
Is she okay?
- She's fine.
- Okay, well, um...
I'm really flattered,
but I just...
You know, I wouldn't want Jackie
to feel, like,
weird or-or, like, betrayed.
She just betrayed
the whole fucking network.
Now, listen,
you've been doing really well
here, you know?
You've grown a lot.
And if this goes well,
maybe you get your own show.
Joanna, I really need
your help right now.
You know what it's like
to have stress on top of cancer.
Now, you don't want to do it,
I can always send in Beth Ann.
Huh?
Heather, that is not
a nose contour.
I asked for Dubai, not Kabul.
Hi. Beth Ann, I'm sorry.
We need the chair.
[woman]
Going live in ten, people.
What?
[quietly]
I tried.
I hate you!
[grunts]
- She didn't mean that.
- I think she did.
- Yeah, she did.
- Okay.
[upbeat theme music playing]
[female announcer]
Next up on Beautiful You,
Jackie Stilton brings
you amazing deals and steals
to make a more beautiful you.
Welcome to Beautiful You
Welcome
to Beautiful You.
Hello, beautiful people,
and welcome to Beautiful You.
I'm Joanna Gold,
and I am so sad that Jackie
couldn't be here today,
but one thing that I do know is
that she'd want us to have fun.
Now let's look
at our first product.
It's an absolute favorite
of Jackie's.
This is the Infinite Luxury
Essentials Infinity Scarf.
Now... the problem
with traditional scarves is
that they end,
and not always
where we want 'em to.
But this scarf,
it goes on forever.
Do we love?
Okay, and I just want
to show you with this scarf
how many times
I can wrap it around my neck.
It's really incredible.
Okay, here's one.
And two.
And three times.
Hmm? And four times.
- And guess what.
- [man] And cutting to "B."
Time number five.
Now, here's what I love,
and I am so freaking jazzed
about this.
For the first time ever,
Fabulously Ageless
is offering us
this breathtaking,
128-ounce, pump-top jug.
Now, we have a caller right now.
I'm hear... I'm just hearing
that we have a caller.
This is Cristal from Boca Raton.
Cristal, hello. How are you?
[Southern accent]
Hi!
Now, tell me, Cristal,
how many gorgeous tubs and jugs
of cream did you get today?
Oh, no,
I don't want any cream tubs.
[Jackie] [no accent]
I was just wondering where
you got that pretty bracelet
with that lobster claw clasp.
Just has that air
of sophistication, you know?
Contemplative music
[♪]
Uh...
Well, I can't remember exactly
where I got, uh, my bracelet.
But we are talking creams
right now,
and it is time to, uh,
move on to the serum.
So, Cristal, I'm going to, uh,
bid you a good afternoon,
and we'll talk
to you soon, then.
But... and, and, and now
onto the serum, which I...
was a favorite of mine.
Oh, it's Mr. Meat.
Hey, Gumdrop.
Those are cute shoes.
Oh, what? Thank you.
You're so sweet.
[both chuckle]
Oh, my God. I swear,
if one more person says
I look like Zooey Deschanel in
these bangs, I'm gonna scream.
Oh, honey, you're so much
prettier than Zooey.
- What?! [laughs] No.
- [laughs]
Yeah.
[sighs]
Oh. What is that?
What are you doing?
I'm just putting one last rub
on this steak,
and I got to let it sit
for an hour.
- You want to try some?
- No, no, no.
I don't eat red meat
'cause Austin's against it,
'cause it's... it's unhealthy,
and we like to keep it natch.
'Cause we don't believe
in hospitals
'cause of the 5G, et cetera,
and all the carcinogens
and stuff, so, you know?
I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.
But I do know, what Austin
don't know won't hurt him.
Come on. Come on.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. That's been frozen
for 72 hours.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Well...
- Ooh!
- Mmm!
[both moaning]
Darcy?
Yes.
Sit down.
You might think
I don't see you.
But I do.
Oh.
Okay.
That's for you.
You go have fun, okay?
[door closes]
[Slow, gentle music]
[retching]
[dog barking in distance]
Jackie?
Jackie, please.
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
Boo, I need to talk...
- You're so good.
- I'm so bad.
- I'm so fucking bad.
- You're so good. Oh!
- [Perry] I'm so fucking bad.
- You're so good.
- [Perry] Yes. Yes.
- Oh, oh, oh!
- [Perry] Yes...
- Oh, my God, you're good at sex.
- [Perry] I know.
- Oh, my God, you're...
- [knocking]
- Go away!
[knocking]
Jackie, will you let me in?
- [knocking]
- Please?
[knocking]
[Jackie sighs]
[beeping]
[automated voice] Disarmed.
What are you doing here?
[sighs]
I'm so sorry.
Can I please explain?
No. I don't want to hear.
Jackie, I... I just...
I got thrown into it, okay?
And, by the way,
it felt horrible.
Didn't look that way.
Looked like it felt great.
[sighs]
Look, if I'm being honest,
I just...
I wanted to be you.
You have this, like,
very glamorous life,
and you're so put together,
and...
[sighs]
All right, come in.
Thank you.
[sighs]
"A Little Respect"
by Erasure play...
♪ I try to discover ♪
♪ A little something
to make me sweeter ♪
♪ Oh, baby, refrain ♪
♪ From breaking my heart ♪
♪ I'm so in love with you ♪
♪ I'll be forever blue ♪
♪ That you give me no reason ♪
♪ Why you make me work ♪
♪ so hard ♪
♪ That you give me no,
that you give me no ♪
♪ That you give me
no, that you give me no ♪
♪ Soul ♪
♪ I hear you calling ♪
♪ Oh, baby, please ♪
♪ Give a little respect ♪
♪ To me ♪
♪ And if I should falter ♪
♪ Would you open ♪
♪ Your arms out to me? ♪
♪ We can make love, not war ♪
♪ And live at peace
with our hearts ♪
♪ I'm so in love with you ♪
[man]
No traipsing.