I Love That for You (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Faux Florals - full transcript

And I don't know if you can
see the edging on this bow.

These are the kinds of little
details that we're seeing

out of all of the
big fashion houses

in Paris, in Milan.

You know, these are, these
are those incredible details

that make you go, "Okay,
there is literally no reason

to ever go to Europe

when you can get
fashions like this

right out of your
very own home."

Uh, that's great, Joanna.

Patricia wants you to
mention your condition.



A-And look at this
paprika spice.

Don't we just love?

Hey, Joanna.

Yeah, Patricia wants
you to talk about

your cancer again, so

mention your cancer.

And I have to tell you,
my gals and my girls,

if I can just be
real for a moment,

um, as I said before,

I'm currently fighting cancer.

And there is just something

about a chic, sleek,
sophisticated top...

This girl's gonna
make me a fortune.

Look at these fucking numbers.



Literally these numbers.

We've got the
Dalmatian, that really

creamy white with
the black edging.

Why are you hovering?
Stop hovering.

I know.

Standing over you
like a psycho. Um...

So, um...

I know you don't love it when
people ask for time off of work,

but, um, the
weekend of the 15th,

my friend Heesok invited me

to Martha's Vineyard.

He got a plus-one
to Graydon Carter's

barn-warming.

He's the former
editor of Vanity Fair.

Yeah, I know who he is.

Founding Father-looking
motherfucker.

You ever been to
Martha's Vineyard?

- Oh, my God, no.
- Mm.

And I've never
been to France but.

I do wish to go one day.

And then we've got...

It's so snobby, you'll love it.

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much. That rocks.

Now, which one of these tops

is lifting your
spirits today, Barb?

People love this

sob story shit.

I know, right? It's
like, give me a break,

but also it is sad.

But you did have it. You did.

You had cancer.

I know, but, Mom...

She's saying she has it now.
She doesn't have it now.

Dad, okay, stop yelling.

I'm the only one not yelling.

But you are being combative.

By pointing out that she lied?

- That's what she did.
- She is just selling

blouses on TV, she's
not under oath.

Can we stop? Stop.

What do you need, Joanna?

I-I...

I just want someone
to tell me what to do.

Joey, remember at Costco

when Esther in produce
admitted she stole

a bunch of shrimp for
her family reunion?

Did I fire her? No.

I said, "Here's a good
person who made a mistake."

You're a human being.
You screwed up.

It'll all be okay.

I think I have to
tell the truth.

Oh, my great goodness. I
heard everything. Come here.

Come on. Big hug.

- Oh...
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, dear Jesus.

You're not gonna
take this one yet.

She's got too much to
do. She's a fighter.

In your name we pray, amen.

Thank you.

You're so welcome. You
want to take a seat?

Oh, I can just sit
on these boxes.

No, absolutely not.
Absolutely not, precious one.

You're gonna sit right
here. Hey, Janet?

Shake a leg.

She got cancer and needs
a seat. There you go.

Okay.

Shoot me your name
one more time?

Joanna.

Okay, so let's start.

This week we're celebrating

30 years of Jackie Stilton.

She's brought over
200,000 amazing products

into your living room,
with her number one show,

Beautiful You, the
longest running,

best-selling program
in the history

of the Special Value Network.

Hi, my name is Jackie Stilton

and thank you so
much for welcoming me

into your home.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm Jackie Stilton

and welcome to Beautiful
You. I'm Jackie Stilton

and welcome to Beautiful You

from Orlando, Florida.

I'm Jackie Stilton and
welcome to Beautiful You.

This is an exact replica

of the engagement ring
that Prince Charles

gave to Princess Diana.

What a perfect couple.

This is one of those
pieces that's a must-have.

All of my colors here today

are stun-ning.

And this week we celebrate.

Jackie's 30th anniversary.

We watch you every week

down here in Tallahassee.

Happy Jackiversary, Jackie!

I never miss your show!

Happy Jackiversary, Jackie,

from all of us at SVN.

Enjoy up to 30% all week
using the checkout code.

"Jackiversary."
Restrictions apply.

Not valid in Hawaii, California
or Alaska. Not valid...

Love you!

My dear, late
friend Bernie Madoff

used to say, "Certain people

just have 'it.'"

Well, I knew Jackie had "it"

from the moment we
met in her audition.

- Congrats on 30 years, baby.
- Thank you.

Thank you so much, Patricia.

And thank you to all of you.

I love you so much. You
really are like family to me.

And, Joanna,

I just want to say,
with everything

that you're going through,
we are here for you.

Oh, I...

I thank... And I thank you.

Welcome. Anyhow,

cheers. Chin, chin to me!

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey. That's enough.

All right.

Now, we will be gathering
interviews from you all

for more Jackiversary promos

running all week.

- Been a?
- Oh.

To celebrate Jackie,
we have canned mojitos

from Cocktails of the Month.

Please only take one
and sign the sheet.

And if you're not gonna
take one, that's fine,

we still need you to
indicate it on the sheet.

Oh, and also, please
write the last four digits

of the SKU number on your
can next to your name.

Those are those little numbers
right under the bar code.

Absolutely no social media.
Congratulations, Jackie!

Pull the Mulch
Prince leaf blowers

and bump the citronella
tikis to clearance, yes?

- Can I help you?
- Can I help you?

Um, I wanted to see if I could

speak with you for a-a moment.

Oh, well, if you want a
meeting with Patricia,

- you have to schedule through...
- No, no, no. No, no, no.

It's okay. Let's talk.

Uh...

Um...

So, how are you feeling?

Well, okay. You know,

physically, I'm hashtag living.

Yeah, hashtag "I'm Lovin' It."

Boo, doo, poom,
poom, poom! Yeah.

Let's all go down
to the Mickey D's

and get some cheeseburgers.

Um, but,

uh, emotionally, I kind
of wanted to talk to you.

Your numbers

for the Vera Nash
line were excellent.

You even sold out
of the ugly one.

People are really connecting
with your cancer story.

Yeah. Um, you know,

that's kind of what I wanted to

connect, um, to...
a-and with you

about at this meeting

that is today and now.

I thought,

maybe I don't talk about the
cancer anymore, you know?

Because, this is
crazy, okay, just...

What if my story is...

My grandparents are
Jewish immigrants

from Poland, and we

looked it up on
a trip to Israel,

and I actually

come from a long line
of upholsterers...

Joanna, we'll go
with the cancer.

We're gonna do everything we can

to make you comfortable.

Maybe you need a
bigger dressing room.

We could always swap
her out with Beth Ann.

What?

You got a problem with that?

No. I think yeah.

Give her Beth Ann's
room 'cause it's bigger.

That's not necessary.

All right, Darcy, make
sure she's taken care of.

Yes.

Go ahead, sweetie.

- Eat a Rolo.
- Oh. Are you s...

Okay.

I'm almost positive
I was clear on this

when we met, but in the
off chance I wasn't,

typically, if you do want
a meeting with Patricia,

you would schedule
that through me.

- Okay.
- Instead of just walking up

to her like you're two
humans on the same level,

you know what I mean?

Oh, hey, Joanna,
did you get a chance

to finish your start paperwork?

Kind of in the middle of
something here, Been a.

Oh, I-I'm sorry, Darcy.

I actually had a quick
question for you, too.

- Mm-hmm?
- Can you fuck the hell off?

- Why don't you go fuck off?
- Oh, why don't you

- lick shit and die, Darcy.
- Go fuck yourself, Been a.

Oh, you want to fuck around
and find out, motherfucker?

- Fuck you!
- Oh, fuck you!

So, it's like Patricia said,

whatever you need, please
don't hesitate to ask me.

Seriously. It's my pleasure
to take care of you.

Um, no, I'm fine.

Really, I don't want
special treatment.

- Joanna, you're sick.
- No, I'm not.

You're not sick?

Oh, no, I am, but
sick... I am sick,

but I don't want
anything special.

Okay. You hang in there, okay?

Okay.

Oh, actually, um,
I think I noticed.

Nutri-Grain bars in the meeting.

Um, maybe one of
those would be nice.

I-I skipped breakfast,

so...

Okay, diva, you got it.

Fuck a fucking duck in a rug.

Dude, everyone here
is completely insane,

- except for you.
- I know.

Like, Joanna just now was like,

"Yo, I need Nutri-Grain
bars, like, now!"

And it's like, don't get me
wrong, like, I feel for her,

but, like, I'm sorry, since
when do I have to babysit her?

Like, why is this being
hoisted onto my plate,

- you know what I mean?
- Darcy, she has cancer.

A hundred percent.

And I hate that.

We got a very special
caller calling in.

It is Mama St. James.

Good morning to you,
my darling mother dear.

Good morning, son.

You know I love seeing
you cooking up some grub,

so I just had to call.

Well, Mama, who do you think
I learned it from? You!

I'm telling y'all, I was
wearing this woman's aprons

and baking cakes
since I was knee-high.

Well, if you're cooking it,

I know it's good, son.

Oh, I love you to
bits, my darling one.

I'll see you at church
on Sunday. Mwah.

That's it for moi. Adios
to all my lovelies.

We'll see you next
time on Kitchen Corner.

And, hey, check me out on
Facebook and the TikTok, huh?

- Clear.
- Cute, Perry.

I need you for the Jackiversary
thing real quick, okay?

What to say about my Jackie?

Honey, you have been with
me through all my hairdos

and my hair-don'ts,
but I'll tell you what,

you're the only ponytail
I want to yank. Bad!

Happy Jackiversary.

I'm going again
right-right away. I just...

I didn't, I didn't like it.
Come on, bud. You got this.

- I thought it was fine.
- Well, well...

I'm the one who's on
camera, honey. Ready?

I'm gonna pop up into it.

Jackie Stilton is
literally an icon.

She started working here
before I was even born.

Isn't that wild?

I love you, Jackie.
I'm so proud of you.

Happy Jackiversity.

You said "Jackiversity."
It's "Jackiversary."

Like anniversary.

Jackiversity.
That's what I said.

I need to talk to you.

Going out of my mind. Okay, so

what you need to know is,
in the meeting this morning,

Patricia, like, floated the idea

of Joanna getting
your dressing room.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Stop.

I've worked here
for three years.

I work harder than
anybody else here.

I work my little asshole off.

What did you say to her?

Obviously, I said,
"By no means."

Are you kidding me? I
always go to bat for you.

Beth Ann,

don't be upset.

We're upset.

We're upset today.

For 30 years, I've been
guided by one idea,

that I'm not just here
to sell you something,

I'm here to make
your life better

because life is complicated.

Take it from me, I'm
recently divorced.

I know how important it can be

just to have that little special
something arrive in the mail.

Yeah. Amazing.
Incredible. Effortless.

Let's just do one without
the divorce mention. Cool.

Oh. Patty, why?

Can we keep it? I like it.

She wants to chat
with you about it.

- Oh. Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, we can cut.

Oh. Hey, Mama.

Oh, hey, Beth Ann.

Ugh, I know it sucks
not having a sink

in your dressing room. You
have to come in here to wash

your dirty mug, but,
look, sinks are kind of

for more senior people. Don't
ask me why. It's so dumb.

- Yeah.
- I heard

that Patricia was, like,
mentioning us switching rooms?

Which is like, I love the idea.

I think other people
would be like,

"What?"

Oh, don't worry. I don't
want your dressing room.

Totally. Yeah.

- Do you have a tampon?
- Oh.

I don't... No. I don't
have a tampon on me. Sorry.

I go through so many tampons.

There's, like, nowhere
in this bathroom

to put your tampon
while you pee.

What?

There's no shelf

in the stall.

To put your tampon when you have
to take it out so you can pee.

Oh, you don't have to...

- How was your Rolo?
- What?

Patricia seems to, like, love
you, which is so amazing.

It's actually, like,

messed up that she
was about to fire you,

and then you were
like, "I have cancer!"

And now you're here.

That's, like, wild.

You really can tell

when something is missing
that mark of authenticity.

Oh, you can?

All of our fauxs are made

by our master floral artist

who recreates English roses

petal by petal

for our plastics
factory in Panama.

Wow. That is just
incredible. Now, just to ask,

even if you look at it up close,

you can't really tell that
these are faux, can you?

There is no
detectable difference

to the human eye.

So there's no risk of getting
caught by your coworkers?

- I don't think so.
- You don't think there is?

Or you know for a
fact that there isn't?

I know?

Look at you.

I'm so goddamn proud of you.

30 years.

Has it really been that long?

30 fucking years is right.

You just getting started, baby.

You're the shit,

and don't you forget it.

Cheers, baby.

Cheer... Eye contact.

Ah.

- So, about the divorce.
- Yes.

I don't think we
need to bring it out.

What do you mean,
"bring it out"?

I don't think we need
to bring the divorce

out on the air, darling.

Why?

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Uh, so Darcy said you wanted
some Nutri-Grain bars.

Not to put you on blast, but...

I thought we could
do so much better.

We got some dark
chocolate pretzels,

Utz potato chips, Babybels,

and, uh, oh, took
a big swing here,

coffee syrups.

Oh, my living fuck.

Jordan, I love flavored coffee.

Uh, yeah, uh, Haselnuss, right?

- I don't...
- It's German for hazelnut.

- Oh, Haselnuss.
- Sorry. Yeah.

- Such an international man.
- Eh, well.

I can't wait to munch
on all of these snacks.

I mean, this little piggy
loves to oink, oink, oink.

I got you a, uh,
speaker, too, you know?

- Oh.
- And if you ever get stressed,

I have a really good
play list for anxiety.

Wait, what are
you anxious about,

Mr. Perfect Per... son?

Oh, God. I mean, lots
of shit, you know?

Like, climate change, racism,

do people like me? Mostly
just anything that exists.

I'm very fun.

Well, um, I get it.

I have anxiety, too, and, um,

some people might call
me a total whack job.

Psychopath.

No, no.

Um, but, anyways,

I just want to say thank you

for this very luxe spread.

- Yeah.
- It's very, um,

chivalrous of you.

Well, I know that
you're, uh, you know...

You're dealing with...
what you're dealing with.

And, uh, just wanted to say,

"We got you," you know?

- Right.
- Fuck cancer.

- Right.
- Oh.

- Absolutely. Fuck it. Fuck...
- Sorry, that's... Yeah.

Anyway, so anything we can do
to make you more comfortable,

just let me know, all right?

- Thank you so much.
- All right.

I got to get back
on the floor, uh...

- Okay.
- Anything else,

- just let me know.
- Okay. Merci, monsieur.

Uh... I only speak
German. Sorry.

Au revoir.

People tune in to see the Jackie

they've been
watching for decades.

- Mm. Yeah.
- She's hip. She's cool.

Best friend in a leather jacket.

- Yes.
- Drives a Mazda Miata

and has it all together.

I still drive a Mazda Miata.

People love Jackie
and Marty, hmm?

Mm-hmm. Right, but...

Ah-ah. I don't think we
want to fuck with that.

Right, but I don't
love Jackie and Marty.

I just want to be real with
people, you know? I mean,

I was actually
thinking it would be

- an empowering thing for women.
- Jackie,

Santa Claus might have
issues with Mrs. Claus,

but we don't want
to hear about it.

We just want it to be Christmas.

You know what I'm saying.

Huh, that's a good point.

I don't even want
to think about that.

- I love Christmas.
- Mm.

So, we're good?

- Yeah.
- Mm.

Yeah, we're good.

Okay.

Just... Doesn't it bother
you that it's not true?

The Joy of You is bringing

this new varietal, the Queen
Anne's Rose, and just feel

how silky soft the petals are.

Geez... Fuck.

Joanna?

Oh, hey. How are you?

Eh. I'm so-so.

Oh, my God.

Your dressing room is awful.

That is so mean of them.

You know, I'm making it work.

Hey, would you want to go do
something really fun with me?

Oh, my God.

I know.

I just come in here
sometimes just to think and

be peaceful if I'm
having a stressful day.

Hmm. Did you know that I went
to the Sistine Chapel once,

and I felt nothing,

but when I come in here

it's my heaven.

Oh, my God, is this a
Guernsey & Dorn Maxi Dress?

With the lilac knife pleat.

They don't make that anymore.

Come over here.

Okay.

I was thinking about

everything you're going through,

and I thought that maybe

we could pick you out
a cute cancer wig.

- Oh.
- What do you think?

That's so nice, but, um,
that's really not necessary.

Hello, I'm Gordon Ramsay.

Your restaurant is shit.

Okay, I'm gonna try.

I'm Monica from Friends.

Not now, Chandler.

That's so good.

Thanks.

This is so fun. I
could do this forever.

Can you imagine if I
did this to my hair?

Like, totally changed
my whole look?

Patricia would shit a brick.

Oh, my God, I
think you look hot.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I think Patricia would love it.

Hmm.

Remember how she said
we met at my audition?

- Yeah.
- That's not the real story.

- It's not?
- No.

We actually met
at Neiman Marcus.

She worked there, and I would
come in all the time just to

try on all the clothes, and,
oh, my God, she was always

dressed head-to-toe gorgeous.
She looked like a supermodel.

We would always chitchat.

And then, one day, I
got caught shoplifting.

Jackie.

I know, I was very, very, very

bad.

It was just a bad habit
for a little while.

When I didn't have any money,
I would just, you know,

I don't know, kind of
fall in love with stuff.

Take out that
five-finger coupon,

and it's all yours.

This is pretty. Any hoops,

I did eventually get arrested,

and Patty is the one who
bailed me out of jail,

and then she actually
gave me a job,

but she doesn't like
people to know that story

'cause she thinks it's
like "bad PR" or whatever.

Wow. I didn't realize you
two were such close friends.

Yeah, we're actually
really close.

I mean, she's done
so much for me.

I-I do truly adore her,

but...

I don't know.

But she just sees you one way.

You can't really
break out of that.

Hmm.

It's like

like, once she's
decided what you are,

she'll never let you

- stop being that.
- Oh.

Never? But, like,
maybe at some point?

No. Nope.

And it's just, like, I
don't want to have to fake

being who I am, you know?

I want to be like you.

Like authentic
and free and real.

Yes. I'm... exactly...

- You know?
- Like that.

What to say about
Jackie Stilton?

Okay, um, well,

this is kind of
embarrassing to admit, but

when I was a kid, I would call
in to her show every week,

and I would just hope
and hope and hope

that I would get through.

Stop.

Darce, do you have a
handkerchief? I'm gonna cry.

Stop.

You know, I-I would pretend

that I wanted to buy
stuff, and I did,

but really I just wanted
to talk to Jackie.

Shh. Stop.

In some ways Jackie was like

my first real friend.

Oh, my God, I'm a weird
little girl who's, like,

best friends with a
30-year-old lady on TV.

- Shh. Stop.
- I want an Academy Award

- for being sick.
- Stop.

Does she think
she's Muriel Streep?

Obviously,

Annipizzary.

Darcy, are the Basquiat people

still trying to rat-fuck
me, or will there be

new art in my home on Sunday?

They're idiots over there.

- I'm like...
- Gee.

Patricia?

Um...

You had mentioned
that I could have.

Beth Ann's dressing room.

Well,

I would like to go
ahead and have it.

Okay, but we need
to discuss that,

- right?
- I'm

not sure if you heard,
but I have cancer.

Darcy,

make it happen.

Of course.

I bid you all adieu.

♪ Welcome to Beautiful You. ♪

I can't believe I've been
doing this show for 30 years.

I am just so grateful

to all of my
Jackalopes out there.

Thank you, thank you, thank you
from the bottom of my heart.

Okay. We have so many amazing.

Jackiversary deals this
hour, all up to 30% off,

all on Flexi-pay, we love that.

- Mm-hmm.
- I want to kick this off

with some absolutely

show-stopping jewels and gems.

Say hi to the brilliant designer

behind the Dazzling
Diamonessence line,

Miss Fitzy-Ellen Boatman.

Fitzy-Ellen, you know
I love to see you.

And I am so proud of you.

- Happy Jackiversity, doll.
- Thank you, my dear.

Did she say "Jackiversary"
or "Jackiversity"?

It's fine. Patricia wanted
it slightly confusing

so people use the
wrong code at checkout.

And just like the
tennis bracelet,

the eternity pendant

- is single-origin Diamonessence.
- Hot.

I'm being told

we have a surprise caller.
Hello there, beautiful you.

Hi, Jackie.

Oh, it's your husband,
Marty. Hi, Marty.

Happy 30th anniversary, Jackie.

I'm so proud of
you, and I love you.

Oh, he's such a charmer.

- I love it when Marty calls.
- Thank you, Marty.

"In Camera" by Yumi Zouma.

You are gonna sparkle.

It doesn't matter what
you wear with them.

Well, thank you so
much for joining me.

Keep it here for It's a
Cinch with Helen Fazeli-Bink.

Bye, now.

Clear.

Like a fool, I call
you on a Saturday...

- Be right back.
- Y-You okay?

Whether it's the Starry Night,

the Turkey-Tail Lilac,

or the Sage Bush,
you're getting a floral

with rich color,

and I got to tell you,

when you're dealing with cancer,

or any life challenge, you need.

J-O-Y,

and that spells "joy."

And these arrangements

bring so much joy into my life.

Are these flowers
real? Maybe not.

But if they are bringing beauty,

positivity, and connection

into your world,
does it really matter

that they're faux?

I say no.

I say no.

♪ If I give in, ♪
♪ everything has changed. ♪

♪ All right. ♪

Don't ever do that to me again.

What do you mean,
Patricia asked you?

Well, if she asks you
again, Marty, just say no.

Okay, fine.

Hey, new neighbor.

Oh, hey, Joanna.

Neighbors.

Glad they got you
out of that shithole.

Oh, me, too.

- It's great.
- Hey, um, uh,

I was just wondering,

what are you up to right now?

We actually met at
a tanning salon.

- I know, very romantic.
- Wow.

I was in one bed, and Marty was
one bed over, and I said to him,

"I love this
place." And he goes,

"Well, guess what. I own it."

Small business owner.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

We were kind of
inseparable after that.

But then, a few years ago,

I found out that
he was hiding money

in a secret account.

Money I didn't even know we had.

- Ew.
- I-I've always had

my little spending issue, but I
have never lied to anyone, ever.

I mean, how do you
fucking do that?

Like, deceive someone
you care about?

Every single day,
like it's nothing?

That's why I'm so
grateful for you, Joanna.

I hate liars.

Give me anything but a
lying little liar, you know?

Mm-hmm. I do.

I do know.

I wish all liars
would drop dead.

They should rot in hell.

- Yeah.
- No, thank you.

Yeah, I hate liars, too.

What a, what a bad thing to do.

- Mmm.
- Yeah.

Okay.

♪ "Numbers Don't Lie" ♪
♪ by The Mynabirds. ♪

♪ It was always. ♪

♪ What you said it would be. ♪

♪ And nothing more. ♪

♪ Through the smoke screens. ♪

♪ And the pipe dreams. ♪

♪ And the blood on the floor. ♪

♪ Well, you say it's black. ♪

♪ Well, it's bound. ♪

♪ To be black. ♪

♪ You made up your mind. ♪

♪ And you see. ♪

♪ With that. ♪

♪ Baby, if you want to be right. ♪

♪ I will let you be right ♪

♪ I will let you be right. ♪

♪ You know that the ♪
♪ numbers don't lie. ♪

♪ Oh, no, the numbers don't lie. ♪

♪ Two wrongs will ♪
♪ not make it right. ♪

♪ No traipsing. ♪