I Love That for You (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - #JoannaStrong - full transcript
[Lively dance music]
[P.A. announcer]
Attention, Costco shoppers.
Toilet paper is back in stock.
The barbecue grill sale is
extended to the end of the week.
[♪]
- Hi, Pam. Hi, Carl.
- Hey.
I'm on a break from filming.
We call it a "hiatus"
in the biz.
Back for my dad's birthday,
- All right.
- So...
- Hi, Helen.
- Hi.
Hi, Su... zie.
Joanna.
Oh...
um...
Eban. E-Epan?
- Ethan.
- Ethan. Right.
F-From...
We went on a couple dates
in May.
Right.
Uh... hmm.
You still look
at my Linkedln profile
a few times a week.
Oh, you can see that?
Yeah, I get notifications.
Huh. Huh.
Babe!
Look how big this cookie is.
It's gonna take me, like,
a whole week just to eat this.
- [chuckles softly]
- [Ethan] Babe.
- Hmm?
- This is Joanna.
Joanna, this is my girlfriend
Margot.
Hi. I love your look.
It must be so hard
for female rabbis
to know what to wear.
Um, I'm actually
a television personality
on SVN.
Wait a sec, I think
I saw you on it last week.
Weren't you the dead hooker
that got washed up
under the Verrazano?
Um, I think
you're thinking of SVU.
I'm on SVN.
[both]
Oh.
[fan]
Oh, my gosh!
You're Joanna Gold.
I watch you every week on TV.
I just bought
this tote from you last week.
[Joanna]
Ah, the python neoprene.
It goes with everything.
Can I get a picture?
Of course.
Uh, Ethan, could you take it?
- Huh? Yeah, sure.
- Oh.
Yes. Okay. All right.
[ringtone playing]
Uh, you're getting a call.
From who?
Uh... "Crap Doctor."
He'll call back.
[both chuckle]
[♪]
So, I basically
don't have to buy
any clothes.
It's kind of like a
Sarah Jessica Parker situation,
like when she was
on Sex and the City, so...
I hope you all saved extra room.
- Oh.
- We have two cakes.
Oh. Okay.
The Schweifflers heard
about your cancer coming back,
and they dropped this off
this morning.
So what?
What are you gonna do,
throw it away? It's free cake.
I'm just saying, people are
taking time out of their lives
to do nice things for us,
and it's based on a lie.
Okay, well, you know what, Dad?
I got you this
for your birthday.
- [gasps]
- [chuckles]
Oh.
Well, if you don't want it,
I'll take it.
No, no, I-I want it.
Mmm.
Free cake.
Will you make me
the happiest man in the world?
Yes!
"Give Me Your Love"
by Sandy Mercer plays...
♪ Hey, baby ♪
♪ Give me your love ♪
♪ Hey, baby ♪
♪ You got me grooving now ♪
♪ Give me your love ♪
♪ Now that you belong to me ♪
♪ Give me your love ♪
♪ Let it feel good to me ♪
♪ Give me your love ♪
♪ Let it get inside of me ♪
♪ Give me your love ♪
♪ It'll set my body free ♪
♪ Give me your love,
give me your love ♪
♪ Ooh-whee ♪
♪ Give me your love,
give me your love ♪
♪ Hey, baby,
you got me groovin' ♪
- Hey, Tour de France.
- Hey.
Did you ride your bike to work?
Yeah.
Yeah. Um, how was your weekend?
Oh, you know, it was good.
I, um...
I visited my parents
in Cleveland.
Oh, cool.
Yeah. Uh, it was
my dad's birthday,
but the only gift he wanted
was to spend time with me.
So...
How was your weekend?
Oh, God. Well, uh...
I watched the Eagles lose.
And, uh, then I cleaned
my dad's gutters.
Wow.
It sounds like we both...
- love our dads.
- [chuckles]
- [car alarm sounding]
- Shit!
Um, we should probably,
- you know...
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Don't worry about it.
It's-it's fine.
So, uh, when did you
learn to ride a bike?
[♪]
♪ Hey, baby ♪
♪ You got me groovin' now ♪
[Darcy]
Okay. Who is she?
I didn't realize we had company.
[gasps]
[laughs]
Just had a four-hour dinner
with Bloomberg.
I figured I deserved it.
Give it.
Oh, my God. It felt like
the inside of a croissant.
Q-2 come in?
Yes. And, um...
the numbers... are not great.
What the fuck?
I know. Apparently HSN
beat us out
for the first time in six years.
- What?
- I know, but we did know
they got Bobby Flay's
new cooking line.
[sighs]
That fool.
Cooking Southwestern.
The motherfucker's Irish.
Also, they apparently
got a huge bump
from that climate change special
they did. I guess
they raised a whole bunch
of money for endangered animals.
What is wrong with people?
If the pandas don't want
to fuck, that's their business.
Well, I don't think that's
what it's really about, but...
Leslie Dean LaFarge.
That bitch ripped off
my network.
And now they're pulling ahead?
Get me Monica from Omni Belle
- Beauty Baby Home.
- Mm-hmm.
We got to keep her hooked,
or this cocksucker's
gonna steal all my top brands.
Copy.
You have a beautiful turmeric,
which, actually,
it feels very spicy,
very Indian.
Kind of reminds me
-of my honeymoon in India,
-[man] Camera two.
Where Austin and I
actually got to...
Oh, hey, Been a.
That's my personal fruit.
Oh.
I'm sorry. It-it wasn't labeled.
Oh, it's totally fine.
I don't mind at all.
You can just Venmo me a dollar.
Okay. I-I will.
You can do it
right now if you want.
Like, while you're
in front of me.
Oh, sure.
Okay.
[Joanna]
Jordan ate a banana, too.
"Show deposit"?
What show is this hunk doing?
Hey, uh, Been a?
Um, what are kind of the rules
in terms of, like,
dating coworkers?
Oh, I'm not currently
looking for a relationship.
Oh, no, I-I was actually
talking about someone else.
Oh, yeah, it's no problem.
There's no protocols here.
No boundaries whatsoever.
Get it, girl!
I'm going to get it.
[chuckles]
[Beth Ann]
You can wear them out to brunch,
or a girls' night on the town
or to your place of worship.
And they are so comfortable.
I actually like to just
wear them around the house.
They're almost like slippers. I,
um, want to tell you guys
something,
and this is
kind of a secret, but...
I was born with asthma.
I outgrew it...
[chuckles]
But it could come back.
It could come back
at any moment.
Oh, fuck.
Hey, babe.
- Hi, Pat. How are you doing?
- I'm good.
[Beth Ann] You guys are
my friends, and I trust you.
Um, that's why I love...
Um, can I just talk to you
about something really quickly?
[Beth Ann laughs]
I just want to say,
I really did not love
you having Marty
dial into my show, Pat.
And why is that?
Well, I told you that
I'm fine with not bringing
the divorce out,
but having my ex-husband call
into my show and pretend
like we're still together?
I think that's, like,
pushing it a little, Pat.
I'm sure you could understand
why that might
be upsetting to me.
You had fucking
unbelievable sales.
Now, forgive me for thinking
that's related.
Well, I don't really care.
That's what I'm trying
to tell you.
Oh, so now you don't
care about the sales?
Well, no, I mean, I do care.
- I mean, you know that I care.
- Okay.
Yeah, I know you care.
And that's good,
because that's what pays
for those sexy little boots.
Pat, I feel like
you're not really hearing me.
[Beth Ann]
They are so comfortable.
I actually like to just
wear them around the house.
[phone chimes]
- [sighs]
- [knocking]
- [Jordan] It's Jordan.
- Oh, hold on one second.
- [button beeps]
- [fan whirring]
Come in.
Hey.
For you.
What is this?
It's your fan mail.
Oh, my God. I have fans?
Wow.
A religious bookmark. So fun.
Uh, so, uh...
um...
tell me about "show deposit
to Donde Esta Cantina."
Qué pasa with that?
What?
Oh, I saw it on your Venmo page.
I'm not sure if you saw it,
but I liked the transaction.
Okay. Um...
yeah, my band's playing
a little gig there tonight.
It's, uh, the coveted
Monday 7 p.m. slot.
Oh, my gosh.
That's amazing.
I definitely want to come.
Is it sold out?
Uh, no,
it's definitely not sold out.
It's very low-key.
[scoffs]
Well, that's...
that's just insane.
I mean, y'all's band
is just so unbelievable.
People need to see
how talented y'all are.
Have you heard our music?
It's... I don't, um...
How much are tickets?
20 bucks,
plus a two-drink minimum.
Mm. Feels, like, high, right?
Well, anyway...
you've been
incredibly nice to me,
and you're definitely
an important,
an important person in my life.
So, I'm...
def, I'm def gonna be
there tonight.
[indistinct radio chatter]
[clears throat]
Sorry. Go for Jordan.
- Mm, yo ink.
- Uh...
- Just kidding.
- Just, hold on.
Go for Jordan.
[indistinct radio chatter]
Um, I got to go.
You know, I think that
- your fan's set to heater mode.
- Okay.
I think that you're set
to heater mode.
[Jordan chuckles]
But, um... I'll definitely
be there tonight, and, um...
I'm gonna bring a lot of people.
Oh, okay.
Well, you're very sweet,
but please
don't-don't...
You don't have to do that.
All right, bye.
[chuckles]
"You're sweet"?
Okurrr.
Hey, Darcy. I wanted to see
if it would be possible
for me to get
the company-wide email list.
Why?
Well, I wanted
to send out a blast
about Jordan's show tonight
at Donde Esta Cantina.
You should come.
He has a show?
Listen, in terms
of the email list,
that's not something I can just
give out, especially to you.
You've been working here
for, like, no minutes.
Anyway,
I have to get back to work.
Again, slammed.
[Jackie]
I love live music.
I'm so glad we're doing this.
Oh, me, too.
I didn't even know
Jordan was in a band.
He's so layered.
[gasps]
Oh...
my...
God!
Joanna!
- You look so foxy.
- [Joanna squeals]
Jordan is gonna cream
his little jeans.
Jackie!
[squeals]
Well, how do you feel?
Um, well,
I can't really lift my arms,
but I feel like I look hot.
You do. You look so hot.
You look like Shania Twain.
I'm not kidding.
Do you like my jacket?
[smacks lips]
Isn't it so slutty?
- Don't I look like such a ho?
- Oh, my gosh.
You look amazing.
I feel like you're gonna
be fighting the men off.
No men, please. No thank you.
I need a break from men.
Not to brag,
but I've always had
this sort of radiance
where men just want
to fuck me or marry me.
But now I really want
to think about what I want.
Do you know what I mean?
Actually,
I don't really date much.
I've only ever, like,
"been with,"
um, two guys,
and they were family friends.
And they both weighed
less than me.
Oh, really?
You're such a catch.
Oh, well, I guess I just,
I never really pictured myself
as, like, someone's girlfriend.
Like, as the person
that somebody, like,
likes the most, you know?
Why not? Why not you?
I don't...
Aw. You have
the most beautiful soul.
You're so sweet and kind.
And on top of that,
you have the most luminescent,
gorgeous skin.
[chuckles softly]
Aw.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make you sad.
That's just the truth,
Baby Ruth.
That's what I do.
[chuckles softly]
All right, well,
I need one last subtle touch
for my gorgeous outfit.
- Okay.
- [humming]
Oh, I forgot to ask you,
who else is coming tonight?
So far, it's just you and me,
but I really wish
I could get more people
to come out and see Jordan.
Maybe you could post it
on your Insta?
Oh, I don't have
very many followers.
Um, excuse me, missy.
Yes, you do,
because you, my dear,
are an SVN superstar now.
[scoffs]
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Oh, my God.
I have 8,000 followers.
I told you!
Mia Farrow follows me.
I know, isn't it amazing?
She follows all of us.
[scoffs]
That's huge.
- Posting.
- Come on, bitch, let's go.
Yeah, come on, you little cunt.
Ooh, sorry.
[Tyra] Well, I'm excited
about it. And Branson says
all we got to do is take
a five-minute online course.
- Mm.
- Oh, and the seats
are supposed to be, like,
all luxurious and leather.
And then, when you get there,
you look out
of that little window,
and you see Earth
and it's so little.
And everybody says
it's life-changing, Patty.
Tyra, I'm gonna be honest
with you.
I don't go in
for all that space race
pissing contest shit.
Nah, you go.
You go and have fun.
I don't want to go with Mark!
- Cuban? [Laughs]
- Yes, Mr. Cuban.
And you know homeboy's still
got a crush on you.
You know, we're old,
- old platonic friends, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
He's an idiot.
What can I tell you?
I got to pee.
Ty-Ty got to tinkle.
And you know what,
if we are in outer space,
we just sit in our seat,
and we just
wear the Virgin-branded diapers
and we piss right in the seat.
- You think about it.
- No.
[Colby]
Take this whenever you're ready.
Let me ask you something.
Does this taste corked to you?
Mmm.
[clucks tongue]
Tastes good.
Really good.
What else tastes good to you?
Has Patricia,
like, said anything
about the long-term plan
for my dressing room?
Mm, not to me.
Like, I've worked
so hard to have
- a dressing room with a sink.
- I know.
And now all of a sudden,
I just have to,
like, go to the ladies' room
when I need to wash my hands?
Like,
what am I, back in Iran
with my original nose?
You need to know though,
it legitimately is
about Joanna having cancer,
okay?
Patricia loves you.
You're gorgeous, you're a star.
That's all your real hair.
I've never seen that
on a woman's head.
And I don't know what fragrance
this is, but, babe,
you smell like a fancy hotel.
I love you. I love you so much.
Remember how my friend Isaac had
that plus-one
to Graydon Carter's
barn-warming
in Martha's Vineyard?
It's happening.
I'm getting to go.
Patricia gave me off.
- [chuckles]
- What?
I guess
we're entering a new space.
Feels good.
Oh, great. I love that.
Imagine me, someone from
Biden's Taint, Pennsylvania,
who used to eat SpaghettiOs
for Thanksgiving dinner.
Now I get to go to a fancy event
in a barn in Martha's Vineyard.
I don't know. I feel like
it could be, like, a cool
opportunity
to, like, meet somebody
and then sniff out, like,
a New York fashion job moment.
Sorry. Austin's driving me,
like, nuts. He, like,
asked me to bring home dinner
'cause he's keto now.
Just, like, okay,
if you eat one carbohydration,
you're not gonna, like, die.
Yeah.
Um, could you get me two plain
chicken breasts with a side of
- steamed broccoli to go, please?
- Oh, I'm sorry, but the chef
doesn't actually allow
for substitutions...
Buh, buh, buh, buh.
I'm a regular, and I do it
literally all the time,
and it's actually easier
for the chef if I do it
this way, so...
festive mariachi music
[lively chatter]
- Ooh.
- [fan 1] It's Jackie Stilton!
- [fan 2] Jackie!
- And the cancer one!
- Oh, my gosh, Jackie!
- Aw.
They're here for us.
That's so sweet.
I love them all so much.
And, look,
they all brought sweaters
just in case.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Purse hook.
[smacks lips]
- [chuckles]
- What are we drinking?
If you're gonna order
a Yellow Tail
with ice, we're out of that.
Ooh. That's actually
- what I was gonna order.
- That sounds good.
[Perry] Why don't you give 'em
two Malibu Barbies, Don?
- Perry, hi.
- Perry.
Hi. I saw your post.
You know,
music is a great love of mine.
I was a soprano in
the youth choir for many years.
My boys didn't drop
till I was, like, 19.
[chuckles]
Joanna, I love you.
You're even prettier in person.
[chuckles]
Ah... thank you.
[chuckles]
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- [laughter]
- [indistinct chatter]
[both moaning]
Funky music
Okay, so in terms
of my barn-warming look,
should I get this bag?
Now does it cost $15,000
I do not have? Yeah, it do.
But I also feel like
if I get it,
everything in my life will,
like, fall into place.
Does that makes sense?
Oh, my God, yes.
[breathes deeply]
Wait, did you know
that Jordan had,
like, a show tonight?
Oh, yeah, I heard.
Would it be, like,
hilarious if we went?
Yes. Let's go.
All right, wait, now before
we do this, are y'all over 18?
'Cause fool me once!
All right,
everybody say, "Gruyère."
[all]
Gruyère!
There you go. Aw, good.
All right, that's it, girls.
Bye.
Oh, my God,
I love your jacket.
Mm. It's actually reversible.
- [gasps]
- Isn't that cool?
[exhales]
So, how's Marty?
He's fine.
You're so lucky.
I'm going through a divorce.
You are?
You are the only part of my day
where I don't feel alone.
Really?
That's so sweet.
Can I actually
- tell you something?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm going through
a divorce, too.
Oh, hon.
I haven't told that many people.
You know what?
- Hmm?
- Fuck him.
You're better off.
Right?
- Maybe you're better off, too.
- I think I am.
- Hey, what are you drinking?
- Whiskey and Coke.
Hey, you know what?
Jack and Coke
for all my Jackalopes.
[women cheering]
What are Jackalopes?
[all]
Jackie! Jackie!
[footsteps approaching]
Patricia thanks you
for your time.
Please, enjoy this basket.
Okay, what is the vibe?
Oh, my God, it's all SVN fans.
I'm gonna get mobbed.
Oh, my gosh, perfect.
[chuckles]
Very cute.
I just have to tell you,
I'm an oncology nurse.
- Oh.
- And me and my patients
all just love you so much.
[exhales]
Sometimes,
we time their chemo infusions
around your broadcast,
so they can watch you.
Oh, my gosh. Really?
Thanks for the pic.
It's so nice to meet you.
Thank you for what you do.
Thank you.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
"I'll Never Ever"
by Diana Duval
[♪]
[phone chimes]
[exhales]
You are the air I breathe...
[laughs]
That thirsty-ass fool.
And in my heart of doubts
You're the light of day
And your voice is
like a whisper
So soothing to my soul...
Oh.
And you're the one true...
So what I'm saying is, I'd like
to use one of my drink tickets
for fries,
since they're the same price,
and then I'd like
to use my other drink ticket
for my boyfriend
who's in the band.
Well, technically
he's still just, like, a boy
who's a friend,
but I think he's gonna be
my boyfriend soon, so
I'm just, like, really excited
about that,
because we really vibe,
if you know what I mean.
- Hey, Joanna.
- Oh, hey.
Shouldn't you be
at home resting...
- Oh.
- ...instead of, like, here,
eating fries?
I have to go find Jordan.
Oh, are you guys, like, a thing?
Are you guys a thing?!
Okay. Do less.
[Perry] Excuse me,
are you part of the band?
'Cause it looks
like someone brought
those maracas out tonight.
[laughs]
- Hi, girl!
- Hey, boo.
Ooh, pinball!
[chuckles]
He's so funny.
He's so problematic.
He's just, like, fun and gay.
Take a page.
Excuse me.
What kind of soups do you have?
Hey, rock star.
Getting in the zone?
I mean, um...
I'm not sure if you noticed,
but I rallied
a bunch of people
to come to your show.
Some friends, some fans.
It wasn't a big deal.
I didn't ask for this.
This, uh,
this is just a hobby, you know?
Why is my third grade teacher
here?
I-I thought you'd want
people to come see you play.
I don't. I...
Th-This is just a thing
that I do to relax
and-and-and to chill out.
And now I'm having
a fucking panic attack.
You know, not everyone needs
this much attention.
[exhales sharply]
Uh...
uh... I'm sorry.
It's okay. I'm just
gonna get it over with.
[muttering]
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm-I'm so sorry.
Uh, I think I have to go.
What? What?
What are you talking about?
Um, I kind of fucked up.
Um, J-Jordan's mad at me.
What? Why is he mad at you?
Um, he-he didn't want me
to bring
all of these people.
Oh, my God.
That is so stupid.
Men are so dumb.
These people are fantastic.
Um, I don't know.
This stuff is hard.
Maybe I just wasn't meant
to have a husband.
No! Oh.
Let me tell you something.
Everything good is hard.
And you have to fight
for what you want.
[crowd cheering]
[gasps]
Yay!
[cheering and whooping]
[microphone feedback]
Hi. Hello. Hi.
Uh, we're Grass is Greener.
And, um, we, uh...
Thank you,
thank you all for coming.
It's, uh, very kind.
And, uh, we're gonna...
Um, okay, sorry,
I'm a little bit nervous.
Don't worry, honey.
Just do your best.
Oh, uh, thank you, uh, ma'am.
Ready?
[playing midtempo intro]
[woman whistles]
She wore Doc Martens
and a baby doll dress
Then we drove to the beach
and her car was a mess
I said I don't care
where I'm sitting, girl
As long as it's next to you
[vocalizing]
She said she liked the
feeling of sand on her feet
I liked the feeling
she was giving to me
Kicking sand, holding hands,
have no plans
That's what we used to do
[indistinct chatter]
[Beth Ann] Yeah, I think the
drummer's, like, looking at me.
[squeals]
Thanks!
- Was she here the whole time?
- Hey, hey.
¿Cómo se dice "ménage à tres"?
[both chuckle]
Oh, you shut up.
I love... but I do.
I love you two so much.
Now get home safe.
- Oh!
- [Darcy] Oh, my God!
Okay, don't get fresh, honey!
I told you he's gay as hell.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck! I forgot to bring Austin
- his dinner and he's like...
- What?
His intermittent fasting
window's gonna close
in ten, and he's gonna,
like, freak out
- on the dog or something.
- Beth Ann...
- Can you get an Uber home?
- Come on.
I got to make this
a direct flight.
- Stop.
- I love you, lover. I love you.
Love you, too.
Thank you so much
for tonight, Joanna.
[sighs]
I needed it so badly.
Oh, my gosh.
I would do this
every week with you.
- Oh, there goes Jordan.
- [man] Hey, good show tonight.
Thanks.
Go talk to him.
- No. Okay.
- Yes. Get over there.
Okay.
- [sighs] Good night.
- Good night, Jackie.
[gasps]
Ooh, before I forget.
I know you are off
à la clock, Darcy.
- Yes.
- But can you please
put me on Patricia's schedule
first thing tomorrow morning?
Oh, tomorrow's not gonna work.
She's, like, slammed all day.
It's not a request.
[scoffs]
[crickets chirping]
[sighs]
Hey, is this
where the groupies line up?
[chuckles]
Peace, love, man, or...
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, I'm sorry for being
such a huge piece of crap.
Oh, no,
I'm the huge piece of crap.
No. I'm the biggest,
dumbest turd in the universe.
I stink and I smell.
I shouldn't have invited
all those people
to your show tonight that you
didn't want here. I mean,
that's what a hot crap does.
Look, I'm the one who's been
stinking it up, all right?
You did something
so nice for me,
and I just, like, I-I took
a big, fat crap all over it.
I mean... [sighs]
you're this breath of fresh air,
and I just,
I let out a bunch of...
butt smell
and just, I-I ruined it.
You shut the fuck up.
Okay? Nothing is ruined.
Because you played
sweet jams all night
for this full diaper of a woman.
Gentle music
[♪]
[phone vibrating]
Oh, um...
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, it's just...
- Oh, yeah. Sure...
- Okay.
Oh, it's work.
Yeah.
Who is this?
I'm about to be kissed.
It's Patricia.
Oh, hello, ma'am.
Listen. I have a fabulous idea.
I can see that our audiences
are really connecting with you.
Oh.
I want to do a high-profile
charity broadcast,
kind of a, you know,
a "Cancerthon,"
where you'll be
front and center.
Profits to charity, all of that.
Um...
It'll focus
on you and your cancer.
[stammers]
Perfect. See you tomorrow.
This bitch.
[line beeping]
Is everything okay?
Everything's great.
Shit.
Folk rock music...
♪ She wore Doc Martens
and a baby doll dress ♪
♪ Then we drove to the beach
and her car was a mess ♪
♪ I said I don't care
where I'm sitting, girl ♪
♪ As long as its next to you ♪
♪ She said she liked the ♪
♪ feeling of sand on her feet ♪
♪ I liked the feeling
she was giving me ♪
♪ Kicking sand, holding hands,
had no plans ♪
♪ That's what we used to do ♪
[♪]
[♪]
[man]
No traipsing.
[P.A. announcer]
Attention, Costco shoppers.
Toilet paper is back in stock.
The barbecue grill sale is
extended to the end of the week.
[♪]
- Hi, Pam. Hi, Carl.
- Hey.
I'm on a break from filming.
We call it a "hiatus"
in the biz.
Back for my dad's birthday,
- All right.
- So...
- Hi, Helen.
- Hi.
Hi, Su... zie.
Joanna.
Oh...
um...
Eban. E-Epan?
- Ethan.
- Ethan. Right.
F-From...
We went on a couple dates
in May.
Right.
Uh... hmm.
You still look
at my Linkedln profile
a few times a week.
Oh, you can see that?
Yeah, I get notifications.
Huh. Huh.
Babe!
Look how big this cookie is.
It's gonna take me, like,
a whole week just to eat this.
- [chuckles softly]
- [Ethan] Babe.
- Hmm?
- This is Joanna.
Joanna, this is my girlfriend
Margot.
Hi. I love your look.
It must be so hard
for female rabbis
to know what to wear.
Um, I'm actually
a television personality
on SVN.
Wait a sec, I think
I saw you on it last week.
Weren't you the dead hooker
that got washed up
under the Verrazano?
Um, I think
you're thinking of SVU.
I'm on SVN.
[both]
Oh.
[fan]
Oh, my gosh!
You're Joanna Gold.
I watch you every week on TV.
I just bought
this tote from you last week.
[Joanna]
Ah, the python neoprene.
It goes with everything.
Can I get a picture?
Of course.
Uh, Ethan, could you take it?
- Huh? Yeah, sure.
- Oh.
Yes. Okay. All right.
[ringtone playing]
Uh, you're getting a call.
From who?
Uh... "Crap Doctor."
He'll call back.
[both chuckle]
[♪]
So, I basically
don't have to buy
any clothes.
It's kind of like a
Sarah Jessica Parker situation,
like when she was
on Sex and the City, so...
I hope you all saved extra room.
- Oh.
- We have two cakes.
Oh. Okay.
The Schweifflers heard
about your cancer coming back,
and they dropped this off
this morning.
So what?
What are you gonna do,
throw it away? It's free cake.
I'm just saying, people are
taking time out of their lives
to do nice things for us,
and it's based on a lie.
Okay, well, you know what, Dad?
I got you this
for your birthday.
- [gasps]
- [chuckles]
Oh.
Well, if you don't want it,
I'll take it.
No, no, I-I want it.
Mmm.
Free cake.
Will you make me
the happiest man in the world?
Yes!
"Give Me Your Love"
by Sandy Mercer plays...
♪ Hey, baby ♪
♪ Give me your love ♪
♪ Hey, baby ♪
♪ You got me grooving now ♪
♪ Give me your love ♪
♪ Now that you belong to me ♪
♪ Give me your love ♪
♪ Let it feel good to me ♪
♪ Give me your love ♪
♪ Let it get inside of me ♪
♪ Give me your love ♪
♪ It'll set my body free ♪
♪ Give me your love,
give me your love ♪
♪ Ooh-whee ♪
♪ Give me your love,
give me your love ♪
♪ Hey, baby,
you got me groovin' ♪
- Hey, Tour de France.
- Hey.
Did you ride your bike to work?
Yeah.
Yeah. Um, how was your weekend?
Oh, you know, it was good.
I, um...
I visited my parents
in Cleveland.
Oh, cool.
Yeah. Uh, it was
my dad's birthday,
but the only gift he wanted
was to spend time with me.
So...
How was your weekend?
Oh, God. Well, uh...
I watched the Eagles lose.
And, uh, then I cleaned
my dad's gutters.
Wow.
It sounds like we both...
- love our dads.
- [chuckles]
- [car alarm sounding]
- Shit!
Um, we should probably,
- you know...
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Don't worry about it.
It's-it's fine.
So, uh, when did you
learn to ride a bike?
[♪]
♪ Hey, baby ♪
♪ You got me groovin' now ♪
[Darcy]
Okay. Who is she?
I didn't realize we had company.
[gasps]
[laughs]
Just had a four-hour dinner
with Bloomberg.
I figured I deserved it.
Give it.
Oh, my God. It felt like
the inside of a croissant.
Q-2 come in?
Yes. And, um...
the numbers... are not great.
What the fuck?
I know. Apparently HSN
beat us out
for the first time in six years.
- What?
- I know, but we did know
they got Bobby Flay's
new cooking line.
[sighs]
That fool.
Cooking Southwestern.
The motherfucker's Irish.
Also, they apparently
got a huge bump
from that climate change special
they did. I guess
they raised a whole bunch
of money for endangered animals.
What is wrong with people?
If the pandas don't want
to fuck, that's their business.
Well, I don't think that's
what it's really about, but...
Leslie Dean LaFarge.
That bitch ripped off
my network.
And now they're pulling ahead?
Get me Monica from Omni Belle
- Beauty Baby Home.
- Mm-hmm.
We got to keep her hooked,
or this cocksucker's
gonna steal all my top brands.
Copy.
You have a beautiful turmeric,
which, actually,
it feels very spicy,
very Indian.
Kind of reminds me
-of my honeymoon in India,
-[man] Camera two.
Where Austin and I
actually got to...
Oh, hey, Been a.
That's my personal fruit.
Oh.
I'm sorry. It-it wasn't labeled.
Oh, it's totally fine.
I don't mind at all.
You can just Venmo me a dollar.
Okay. I-I will.
You can do it
right now if you want.
Like, while you're
in front of me.
Oh, sure.
Okay.
[Joanna]
Jordan ate a banana, too.
"Show deposit"?
What show is this hunk doing?
Hey, uh, Been a?
Um, what are kind of the rules
in terms of, like,
dating coworkers?
Oh, I'm not currently
looking for a relationship.
Oh, no, I-I was actually
talking about someone else.
Oh, yeah, it's no problem.
There's no protocols here.
No boundaries whatsoever.
Get it, girl!
I'm going to get it.
[chuckles]
[Beth Ann]
You can wear them out to brunch,
or a girls' night on the town
or to your place of worship.
And they are so comfortable.
I actually like to just
wear them around the house.
They're almost like slippers. I,
um, want to tell you guys
something,
and this is
kind of a secret, but...
I was born with asthma.
I outgrew it...
[chuckles]
But it could come back.
It could come back
at any moment.
Oh, fuck.
Hey, babe.
- Hi, Pat. How are you doing?
- I'm good.
[Beth Ann] You guys are
my friends, and I trust you.
Um, that's why I love...
Um, can I just talk to you
about something really quickly?
[Beth Ann laughs]
I just want to say,
I really did not love
you having Marty
dial into my show, Pat.
And why is that?
Well, I told you that
I'm fine with not bringing
the divorce out,
but having my ex-husband call
into my show and pretend
like we're still together?
I think that's, like,
pushing it a little, Pat.
I'm sure you could understand
why that might
be upsetting to me.
You had fucking
unbelievable sales.
Now, forgive me for thinking
that's related.
Well, I don't really care.
That's what I'm trying
to tell you.
Oh, so now you don't
care about the sales?
Well, no, I mean, I do care.
- I mean, you know that I care.
- Okay.
Yeah, I know you care.
And that's good,
because that's what pays
for those sexy little boots.
Pat, I feel like
you're not really hearing me.
[Beth Ann]
They are so comfortable.
I actually like to just
wear them around the house.
[phone chimes]
- [sighs]
- [knocking]
- [Jordan] It's Jordan.
- Oh, hold on one second.
- [button beeps]
- [fan whirring]
Come in.
Hey.
For you.
What is this?
It's your fan mail.
Oh, my God. I have fans?
Wow.
A religious bookmark. So fun.
Uh, so, uh...
um...
tell me about "show deposit
to Donde Esta Cantina."
Qué pasa with that?
What?
Oh, I saw it on your Venmo page.
I'm not sure if you saw it,
but I liked the transaction.
Okay. Um...
yeah, my band's playing
a little gig there tonight.
It's, uh, the coveted
Monday 7 p.m. slot.
Oh, my gosh.
That's amazing.
I definitely want to come.
Is it sold out?
Uh, no,
it's definitely not sold out.
It's very low-key.
[scoffs]
Well, that's...
that's just insane.
I mean, y'all's band
is just so unbelievable.
People need to see
how talented y'all are.
Have you heard our music?
It's... I don't, um...
How much are tickets?
20 bucks,
plus a two-drink minimum.
Mm. Feels, like, high, right?
Well, anyway...
you've been
incredibly nice to me,
and you're definitely
an important,
an important person in my life.
So, I'm...
def, I'm def gonna be
there tonight.
[indistinct radio chatter]
[clears throat]
Sorry. Go for Jordan.
- Mm, yo ink.
- Uh...
- Just kidding.
- Just, hold on.
Go for Jordan.
[indistinct radio chatter]
Um, I got to go.
You know, I think that
- your fan's set to heater mode.
- Okay.
I think that you're set
to heater mode.
[Jordan chuckles]
But, um... I'll definitely
be there tonight, and, um...
I'm gonna bring a lot of people.
Oh, okay.
Well, you're very sweet,
but please
don't-don't...
You don't have to do that.
All right, bye.
[chuckles]
"You're sweet"?
Okurrr.
Hey, Darcy. I wanted to see
if it would be possible
for me to get
the company-wide email list.
Why?
Well, I wanted
to send out a blast
about Jordan's show tonight
at Donde Esta Cantina.
You should come.
He has a show?
Listen, in terms
of the email list,
that's not something I can just
give out, especially to you.
You've been working here
for, like, no minutes.
Anyway,
I have to get back to work.
Again, slammed.
[Jackie]
I love live music.
I'm so glad we're doing this.
Oh, me, too.
I didn't even know
Jordan was in a band.
He's so layered.
[gasps]
Oh...
my...
God!
Joanna!
- You look so foxy.
- [Joanna squeals]
Jordan is gonna cream
his little jeans.
Jackie!
[squeals]
Well, how do you feel?
Um, well,
I can't really lift my arms,
but I feel like I look hot.
You do. You look so hot.
You look like Shania Twain.
I'm not kidding.
Do you like my jacket?
[smacks lips]
Isn't it so slutty?
- Don't I look like such a ho?
- Oh, my gosh.
You look amazing.
I feel like you're gonna
be fighting the men off.
No men, please. No thank you.
I need a break from men.
Not to brag,
but I've always had
this sort of radiance
where men just want
to fuck me or marry me.
But now I really want
to think about what I want.
Do you know what I mean?
Actually,
I don't really date much.
I've only ever, like,
"been with,"
um, two guys,
and they were family friends.
And they both weighed
less than me.
Oh, really?
You're such a catch.
Oh, well, I guess I just,
I never really pictured myself
as, like, someone's girlfriend.
Like, as the person
that somebody, like,
likes the most, you know?
Why not? Why not you?
I don't...
Aw. You have
the most beautiful soul.
You're so sweet and kind.
And on top of that,
you have the most luminescent,
gorgeous skin.
[chuckles softly]
Aw.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make you sad.
That's just the truth,
Baby Ruth.
That's what I do.
[chuckles softly]
All right, well,
I need one last subtle touch
for my gorgeous outfit.
- Okay.
- [humming]
Oh, I forgot to ask you,
who else is coming tonight?
So far, it's just you and me,
but I really wish
I could get more people
to come out and see Jordan.
Maybe you could post it
on your Insta?
Oh, I don't have
very many followers.
Um, excuse me, missy.
Yes, you do,
because you, my dear,
are an SVN superstar now.
[scoffs]
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Oh, my God.
I have 8,000 followers.
I told you!
Mia Farrow follows me.
I know, isn't it amazing?
She follows all of us.
[scoffs]
That's huge.
- Posting.
- Come on, bitch, let's go.
Yeah, come on, you little cunt.
Ooh, sorry.
[Tyra] Well, I'm excited
about it. And Branson says
all we got to do is take
a five-minute online course.
- Mm.
- Oh, and the seats
are supposed to be, like,
all luxurious and leather.
And then, when you get there,
you look out
of that little window,
and you see Earth
and it's so little.
And everybody says
it's life-changing, Patty.
Tyra, I'm gonna be honest
with you.
I don't go in
for all that space race
pissing contest shit.
Nah, you go.
You go and have fun.
I don't want to go with Mark!
- Cuban? [Laughs]
- Yes, Mr. Cuban.
And you know homeboy's still
got a crush on you.
You know, we're old,
- old platonic friends, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
He's an idiot.
What can I tell you?
I got to pee.
Ty-Ty got to tinkle.
And you know what,
if we are in outer space,
we just sit in our seat,
and we just
wear the Virgin-branded diapers
and we piss right in the seat.
- You think about it.
- No.
[Colby]
Take this whenever you're ready.
Let me ask you something.
Does this taste corked to you?
Mmm.
[clucks tongue]
Tastes good.
Really good.
What else tastes good to you?
Has Patricia,
like, said anything
about the long-term plan
for my dressing room?
Mm, not to me.
Like, I've worked
so hard to have
- a dressing room with a sink.
- I know.
And now all of a sudden,
I just have to,
like, go to the ladies' room
when I need to wash my hands?
Like,
what am I, back in Iran
with my original nose?
You need to know though,
it legitimately is
about Joanna having cancer,
okay?
Patricia loves you.
You're gorgeous, you're a star.
That's all your real hair.
I've never seen that
on a woman's head.
And I don't know what fragrance
this is, but, babe,
you smell like a fancy hotel.
I love you. I love you so much.
Remember how my friend Isaac had
that plus-one
to Graydon Carter's
barn-warming
in Martha's Vineyard?
It's happening.
I'm getting to go.
Patricia gave me off.
- [chuckles]
- What?
I guess
we're entering a new space.
Feels good.
Oh, great. I love that.
Imagine me, someone from
Biden's Taint, Pennsylvania,
who used to eat SpaghettiOs
for Thanksgiving dinner.
Now I get to go to a fancy event
in a barn in Martha's Vineyard.
I don't know. I feel like
it could be, like, a cool
opportunity
to, like, meet somebody
and then sniff out, like,
a New York fashion job moment.
Sorry. Austin's driving me,
like, nuts. He, like,
asked me to bring home dinner
'cause he's keto now.
Just, like, okay,
if you eat one carbohydration,
you're not gonna, like, die.
Yeah.
Um, could you get me two plain
chicken breasts with a side of
- steamed broccoli to go, please?
- Oh, I'm sorry, but the chef
doesn't actually allow
for substitutions...
Buh, buh, buh, buh.
I'm a regular, and I do it
literally all the time,
and it's actually easier
for the chef if I do it
this way, so...
festive mariachi music
[lively chatter]
- Ooh.
- [fan 1] It's Jackie Stilton!
- [fan 2] Jackie!
- And the cancer one!
- Oh, my gosh, Jackie!
- Aw.
They're here for us.
That's so sweet.
I love them all so much.
And, look,
they all brought sweaters
just in case.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Purse hook.
[smacks lips]
- [chuckles]
- What are we drinking?
If you're gonna order
a Yellow Tail
with ice, we're out of that.
Ooh. That's actually
- what I was gonna order.
- That sounds good.
[Perry] Why don't you give 'em
two Malibu Barbies, Don?
- Perry, hi.
- Perry.
Hi. I saw your post.
You know,
music is a great love of mine.
I was a soprano in
the youth choir for many years.
My boys didn't drop
till I was, like, 19.
[chuckles]
Joanna, I love you.
You're even prettier in person.
[chuckles]
Ah... thank you.
[chuckles]
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- [laughter]
- [indistinct chatter]
[both moaning]
Funky music
Okay, so in terms
of my barn-warming look,
should I get this bag?
Now does it cost $15,000
I do not have? Yeah, it do.
But I also feel like
if I get it,
everything in my life will,
like, fall into place.
Does that makes sense?
Oh, my God, yes.
[breathes deeply]
Wait, did you know
that Jordan had,
like, a show tonight?
Oh, yeah, I heard.
Would it be, like,
hilarious if we went?
Yes. Let's go.
All right, wait, now before
we do this, are y'all over 18?
'Cause fool me once!
All right,
everybody say, "Gruyère."
[all]
Gruyère!
There you go. Aw, good.
All right, that's it, girls.
Bye.
Oh, my God,
I love your jacket.
Mm. It's actually reversible.
- [gasps]
- Isn't that cool?
[exhales]
So, how's Marty?
He's fine.
You're so lucky.
I'm going through a divorce.
You are?
You are the only part of my day
where I don't feel alone.
Really?
That's so sweet.
Can I actually
- tell you something?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm going through
a divorce, too.
Oh, hon.
I haven't told that many people.
You know what?
- Hmm?
- Fuck him.
You're better off.
Right?
- Maybe you're better off, too.
- I think I am.
- Hey, what are you drinking?
- Whiskey and Coke.
Hey, you know what?
Jack and Coke
for all my Jackalopes.
[women cheering]
What are Jackalopes?
[all]
Jackie! Jackie!
[footsteps approaching]
Patricia thanks you
for your time.
Please, enjoy this basket.
Okay, what is the vibe?
Oh, my God, it's all SVN fans.
I'm gonna get mobbed.
Oh, my gosh, perfect.
[chuckles]
Very cute.
I just have to tell you,
I'm an oncology nurse.
- Oh.
- And me and my patients
all just love you so much.
[exhales]
Sometimes,
we time their chemo infusions
around your broadcast,
so they can watch you.
Oh, my gosh. Really?
Thanks for the pic.
It's so nice to meet you.
Thank you for what you do.
Thank you.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
"I'll Never Ever"
by Diana Duval
[♪]
[phone chimes]
[exhales]
You are the air I breathe...
[laughs]
That thirsty-ass fool.
And in my heart of doubts
You're the light of day
And your voice is
like a whisper
So soothing to my soul...
Oh.
And you're the one true...
So what I'm saying is, I'd like
to use one of my drink tickets
for fries,
since they're the same price,
and then I'd like
to use my other drink ticket
for my boyfriend
who's in the band.
Well, technically
he's still just, like, a boy
who's a friend,
but I think he's gonna be
my boyfriend soon, so
I'm just, like, really excited
about that,
because we really vibe,
if you know what I mean.
- Hey, Joanna.
- Oh, hey.
Shouldn't you be
at home resting...
- Oh.
- ...instead of, like, here,
eating fries?
I have to go find Jordan.
Oh, are you guys, like, a thing?
Are you guys a thing?!
Okay. Do less.
[Perry] Excuse me,
are you part of the band?
'Cause it looks
like someone brought
those maracas out tonight.
[laughs]
- Hi, girl!
- Hey, boo.
Ooh, pinball!
[chuckles]
He's so funny.
He's so problematic.
He's just, like, fun and gay.
Take a page.
Excuse me.
What kind of soups do you have?
Hey, rock star.
Getting in the zone?
I mean, um...
I'm not sure if you noticed,
but I rallied
a bunch of people
to come to your show.
Some friends, some fans.
It wasn't a big deal.
I didn't ask for this.
This, uh,
this is just a hobby, you know?
Why is my third grade teacher
here?
I-I thought you'd want
people to come see you play.
I don't. I...
Th-This is just a thing
that I do to relax
and-and-and to chill out.
And now I'm having
a fucking panic attack.
You know, not everyone needs
this much attention.
[exhales sharply]
Uh...
uh... I'm sorry.
It's okay. I'm just
gonna get it over with.
[muttering]
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm-I'm so sorry.
Uh, I think I have to go.
What? What?
What are you talking about?
Um, I kind of fucked up.
Um, J-Jordan's mad at me.
What? Why is he mad at you?
Um, he-he didn't want me
to bring
all of these people.
Oh, my God.
That is so stupid.
Men are so dumb.
These people are fantastic.
Um, I don't know.
This stuff is hard.
Maybe I just wasn't meant
to have a husband.
No! Oh.
Let me tell you something.
Everything good is hard.
And you have to fight
for what you want.
[crowd cheering]
[gasps]
Yay!
[cheering and whooping]
[microphone feedback]
Hi. Hello. Hi.
Uh, we're Grass is Greener.
And, um, we, uh...
Thank you,
thank you all for coming.
It's, uh, very kind.
And, uh, we're gonna...
Um, okay, sorry,
I'm a little bit nervous.
Don't worry, honey.
Just do your best.
Oh, uh, thank you, uh, ma'am.
Ready?
[playing midtempo intro]
[woman whistles]
She wore Doc Martens
and a baby doll dress
Then we drove to the beach
and her car was a mess
I said I don't care
where I'm sitting, girl
As long as it's next to you
[vocalizing]
She said she liked the
feeling of sand on her feet
I liked the feeling
she was giving to me
Kicking sand, holding hands,
have no plans
That's what we used to do
[indistinct chatter]
[Beth Ann] Yeah, I think the
drummer's, like, looking at me.
[squeals]
Thanks!
- Was she here the whole time?
- Hey, hey.
¿Cómo se dice "ménage à tres"?
[both chuckle]
Oh, you shut up.
I love... but I do.
I love you two so much.
Now get home safe.
- Oh!
- [Darcy] Oh, my God!
Okay, don't get fresh, honey!
I told you he's gay as hell.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck! I forgot to bring Austin
- his dinner and he's like...
- What?
His intermittent fasting
window's gonna close
in ten, and he's gonna,
like, freak out
- on the dog or something.
- Beth Ann...
- Can you get an Uber home?
- Come on.
I got to make this
a direct flight.
- Stop.
- I love you, lover. I love you.
Love you, too.
Thank you so much
for tonight, Joanna.
[sighs]
I needed it so badly.
Oh, my gosh.
I would do this
every week with you.
- Oh, there goes Jordan.
- [man] Hey, good show tonight.
Thanks.
Go talk to him.
- No. Okay.
- Yes. Get over there.
Okay.
- [sighs] Good night.
- Good night, Jackie.
[gasps]
Ooh, before I forget.
I know you are off
à la clock, Darcy.
- Yes.
- But can you please
put me on Patricia's schedule
first thing tomorrow morning?
Oh, tomorrow's not gonna work.
She's, like, slammed all day.
It's not a request.
[scoffs]
[crickets chirping]
[sighs]
Hey, is this
where the groupies line up?
[chuckles]
Peace, love, man, or...
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, I'm sorry for being
such a huge piece of crap.
Oh, no,
I'm the huge piece of crap.
No. I'm the biggest,
dumbest turd in the universe.
I stink and I smell.
I shouldn't have invited
all those people
to your show tonight that you
didn't want here. I mean,
that's what a hot crap does.
Look, I'm the one who's been
stinking it up, all right?
You did something
so nice for me,
and I just, like, I-I took
a big, fat crap all over it.
I mean... [sighs]
you're this breath of fresh air,
and I just,
I let out a bunch of...
butt smell
and just, I-I ruined it.
You shut the fuck up.
Okay? Nothing is ruined.
Because you played
sweet jams all night
for this full diaper of a woman.
Gentle music
[♪]
[phone vibrating]
Oh, um...
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, it's just...
- Oh, yeah. Sure...
- Okay.
Oh, it's work.
Yeah.
Who is this?
I'm about to be kissed.
It's Patricia.
Oh, hello, ma'am.
Listen. I have a fabulous idea.
I can see that our audiences
are really connecting with you.
Oh.
I want to do a high-profile
charity broadcast,
kind of a, you know,
a "Cancerthon,"
where you'll be
front and center.
Profits to charity, all of that.
Um...
It'll focus
on you and your cancer.
[stammers]
Perfect. See you tomorrow.
This bitch.
[line beeping]
Is everything okay?
Everything's great.
Shit.
Folk rock music...
♪ She wore Doc Martens
and a baby doll dress ♪
♪ Then we drove to the beach
and her car was a mess ♪
♪ I said I don't care
where I'm sitting, girl ♪
♪ As long as its next to you ♪
♪ She said she liked the ♪
♪ feeling of sand on her feet ♪
♪ I liked the feeling
she was giving me ♪
♪ Kicking sand, holding hands,
had no plans ♪
♪ That's what we used to do ♪
[♪]
[♪]
[man]
No traipsing.