I Love That for You (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - GottaHaveIt - full transcript
Look at this glitz and glamour.
If you see the
light hitting it...
Just look at that.
Can you see that, Keith?
Now, this is one of those
pieces that you put on,
and people will be
whispering, "Who is that?
Is that a countess?
Is she the Duchess of Wales?"
At the very least,
they'll be saying,
"She must be friends
with Whitney Houston."
"Dreams" by The Cranberries.
Joanna, sweetie, do
you need something?
- Is that a cookie cake?
- Yeah.
It's my birthday. Cookie
cake's my favorite.
- Aw, happy birthday, Shannon.
- Thanks, hon.
I can't remember the last time
I got to eat a cookie cake.
There are so few pleasures I
get to enjoy in this world.
You know, leukemia.
Oh, my life...
Would you like a piece?
Thank you.
In every possible way...
Do you need something
else, Joanna?
It's just, my mom and
dad are in my room.
Look at how that gold shimmers.
How spectacular is that?
Now, this is one of those
pieces that you put on,
you could be going to
a brunch or an event...
- No.
- That you honestly just need
in your fine jewelry collection.
It's a basic, and I don't
know about you gals,
but when I'm having a bad day,
jewelry has a way of making
me feel so much better.
It's almost an
escape to old Morocco
or the Turkish coast.
An exotic delicacy that
really transports you
to an ancient land.
And for a pita chip,
it really has that
crunch you want.
Visit aisle 13 for big savings
on Cheez Doodles.
Thanks for visiting Costco.
Joanna?
Oh! Lizzy Gomez
from high school.
- Oh, my... oh, my gosh.
- Oh, wow!
Wait, uh, do you work here?
No, uh, yeah. Uh, at times I do.
Oh, okay. Wow.
What about you? What
are you up to, queen?
Just so busy working.
I'm back and forth to
Italy all the time.
Yeah, me, too.
- For Costco?
- Yeah.
Um, we do a lot of
importing from Europe.
So I'm always just
picking up, you know,
gelat', biscott',
fettuccin', spaghetti.
So just, like, busy, busy, busy.
- You know.
- Hey, Joey Bean,
for your three o'clock
demo, did we say.
Bagel Bites or Turkey Tots?
Turkey Tots.
- I'm sorry?
- Turkey Tots.
I'm s... Once again. You
got to say it louder.
I said "Turkey Tots," Dad!
You got it, honey bear.
I mean, here she is,
living her life in, you know,
all kinds of Italy places,
and I'm at Costco?
I mean, I...
I never even wanted to
work there, you know?
- Hmm.
- I mean, my dream was always
to be a host on SVN.
- What is that?
- The Special Value Network. Duh.
I don't know. I
was just thinking,
"What if I did it?"
What if I, like,
auditioned? I mean,
of course, I would not do
anything that would take me away
from Cleveland without
discussing it with you first.
Sorry. I'm confused.
Uh, we've been on,
like, two dates.
Mm, three.
Are you counting our
run-in at Walgreens?
The point is, I think
we were both feeling like
this was kind of it for us.
We kissed on our first date.
What was that about?
I mean...
I'm dating other people.
Did you think that
we were exclusive?
- No.
- So,
I don't think I should
be a part of any
of your major life decisions.
- Yeah?
- Have you
- done much dating before?
- Yeah.
I've done a ton of it.
Um, if I told you more
about it, it would probably
gross you out, basically,
because of the sluttiness of it.
And all of the dates I do.
You know what? I
think I'm gonna go.
You're nice, but I
didn't, you know.
So, I thought this
was gonna kind of...
Best of luck to you.
- And to you, same to you.
- Seriously.
- Seriously.
- I wish you all the
- luck in the world.
- Okay.
And stay out!
Another dump, made by me.
Slow, gentle music.
Joanna Gold?
I see you signed in, but I
don't have you registered.
You know what?
That's my... What?
Sorry. I just have to take this,
but can you just...?
Hello, Peter?
Oh, it's my agent.
Um, yeah, Peter,
um, they're saying
that I'm not on the list.
- Is that...
- Whatever. Just come with me.
Oh, great. Home office.
Just sell us the pencil.
Okay, um, uh,
just-just the pencil,
not the other stuff?
Okay.
An architect uses a
pencil to build a house.
An astronaut uses a pencil to
plan a journey to the moon.
And-and by the way,
when was the last time
you wrote a letter
to someone you love?
What I have for you
today is a portal
to the person that you
are meant to become,
the life that you
are meant to live.
With this pencil, your
dreams can come true.
And why shouldn't they?
Why not you?
Uplifting music.
Okay, great. Okay.
Thank...
In my opinion, that setup
we have for you at Costco
is way better than SVN.
You get to use your
sparkling personality
to sell fabulous products,
and you get to stay
right here in Cleveland,
birthplace of rock and roll.
They would have called by now,
so I don't even think I got it.
Who wants to live
in Pennsylvania?
There is so much fracking,
you cannot drink the water.
And the hospitals,
they are nothing
like they are here.
I'm not sick anymore.
I haven't been sick in 20 years.
My whole life, it's
just, "Honey, be careful.
You had cancer."
Or, "Look at her, the
cancer, you know, person."
You guys, I-I live
with my parents.
- I mean, that is...
- You have your own entrance.
I know, and it is great, okay?
And-and I love that little
area outside with the chair.
- It's just...
- Kiss me...
Oh. Hello?
Yes, this is Joanna
Gold. That is me.
Uh-huh, that... Yes. Yes.
Yes! Thank you so much!
Oh, my God! I got it!
- I got it! Oh, my God.
- Oh.
Oh, no. I just hung up on them.
- No! Oh, no.
- H-Hit star 69.
Upbeat music.
Um, excuse me.
Hi. Um, I'm not sure if
I'm in the right place.
- I'm Joanna.
- Joanna. Yeah.
I know who you are. I'm Darcy,
Patricia's senior associate,
not her assistant.
- Okay.
- Always run everything by me.
But don't talk to
me if I look busy,
such as right now.
We're gonna start
you Monday, 5 a.m.,
with the Janeane by Janeane
place mats and tablescapes.
Oh, my gosh. I love
Janeane by Janeane.
- That's great. Go sit down.
- Mm-hmm.
Cool.
Oh! That's Papa's chair.
- Oh. Papa Bear?
- Yeah.
Okay, guys. Huge announcement.
We just closed: Exclusive
lash line with Los AngeLash.
Also, we're gonna price-cut the
Play a del Fun margarita makers
and the Tandy-Fit Booty
Blasters. Do me a favor...
Absolutely not!
No.
Tell Marco I'm not gonna
pay 90 for a Basquiat.
I don't care if it comes
with his dick in a jar.
Morning.
I thought we were
pulling the egg poachers.
Oh, I thought you said we
were thinking of pulling them.
And you're happy with Thursday?
Oh, I think Thursday's
really strong.
Why is Dazzling Diamonessence
leading into
Backyard Grill Kings?
Hmm. Oh, um, well, you
had said you wanted
to push the Beef Boys inventory.
When you get your asshole waxed,
does the waxer lady try to sell
you a lawn mower right after?
No, because she
knows her audience.
Well, we don't
really talk after.
I thought Jackie was
on Fabulously Ageless.
I'm here! So sorry I'm late.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I was on Fabulously Ageless,
but I told Darcy to take me off.
It's just... you know,
the divorce is final.
Boo-hoo. So, I guess I'm just
not in the mood to
sell wrinkle cream.
Well, we're all so sorry
for everything you're
going through, honey.
And we all have a lot of faith
that you're going to be able
to get in the mood. So, list...
Actually, I've been using
the Up All Night LED
book light nonstop.
I am obsessed with it.
So, I told Darcy
I want to do that.
Have you all read
that crazy memoir
about that astronaut who
wore the space diaper
when she drove
cross-country to stalk
her ex-boyfriend's
new girlfriend?
It is so interesting hearing
her side of the story.
She was very determined.
Should we pause for more book
reports, or should we continue?
Oh, Pat, don't be such a grump.
I'm not being a
grump. I'm just trying
to run a Fortune 500
company, thank you.
Who is this person?
Oh, this is Joanna Gold.
You hired her last week.
Oh, hi.
Um, I just want to say
I'm so excited to be here,
working with you guys and
on this journey with you.
And that it is just freaking
rad to get to see, um,
how le sausage is made.
Just, like, "hashtag BTS."
Behind the scenes.
What are you selling me?
Oh, I was, um, told Janeane
by Janeane place mats.
Perry, what are you selling me?
I'm a Georgia boy,
born and bred.
Meat and potatoes kind of guy.
I like the simple things.
See you at church on Sunday.
Beth Ann, what are
you selling me?
I'm a momfluencer balancing
career, family and self-care.
How does she do it?
Rosé all day.
Now, what are you selling me?
Okay, I got it. All right.
Um, well, I hail from Cleveland,
the birthplace of rock and roll.
And if you're looking for,
you know, a really
good friend who, um,
also is very professional,
honestly, and,
um, loves her job,
you know, she-she's a working...
Oh, she's a working girl.
Then, or whatever.
Then you should
just call-call me up
because I love...
I love working,
and I love... I love to party,
within reason. And so, yeah.
You know who to call for
a-a friend and
coworker of a lifetime.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay. Honey, you're going to be
selling to millions of people.
And if they're gonna buy
from you, they're gonna need
to know who you are.
This isn't a fucking
Sun glass Hut!
Darcy, move her down to 3 a.m.
3 a.m., yeah, I agree.
Jackie, let me worry
about what you're selling,
'cause I need you to focus
on training Joanna this week.
What? No. No, Pat. Come on.
I really was looking
forward to being out there
with my at-home viewers,
my at-home family. Please?
I need her to learn
from the best.
Give her some of
that Jackie magic,
'cause she fucking needs it.
Hey, Joanna, honey,
figure out what the fuck
you're selling me, okay?
On it.
Jesus.
Hi. Uh, I'm Jordan.
- Are you okay?
- Oh. From what?
I just... I'm gonna need you...
- Okay. Yeah, sorry.
- I need both hands.
Yeah, no worries. All
right. There we go.
This is you. Dressing room H.
Oh, my God. My name.
You're adorable.
Let me just, um...
Oh.
Sorry.
Oh.
- Oh, man.
- Um, who's calling?
Oh, sorry. It's my ex.
Was it a messy breakup?
Did she take you for granted?
- That bitch.
- What?
Uh, no, she's-she's
cool. She's not a bitch.
Sorry. Ugh. I'm just
being such a fuck face.
Um, so your shirt, uh,
"Grass is Greener"?
What does that, or... what mean?
Um, it's just my band
name, Grass is Greener.
What kind of music
does your band play?
Well, we have kind
of a unique sound.
We sort of up cycle
'90s classics.
Okay, wait a second.
Love '90s music.
It's the last great
decade of music.
- That's what I think.
- I think
you're really gonna
dig our sound.
Uh-oh.
Is this one giving
you a hard time?
- No.
- Hi, babe. I'm Beth Ann.
- Hi.
- Welcome to the fam.
- Thank you.
- So, I guess I'm not
the shiny new penny anymore.
- Hey, Jor-Jor, angel face?
- Yes?
Could you track
down Fran for me?
She said she would zhuzh
my hair, and I'm on in 20.
Uh, she actually asked not
to be your hair person.
- Uh, sorry. Go for Jordan.
- Are you faking that?
Okay, he is, like, almost
as hot as my husband.
- Oh.
- Do you have a husband?
- No, um...
- My husband,
my kids, they're,
like, my whole world.
- Mm.
- They're obsessed with me.
I'm obsessed with them.
Anyway, the product
meeting earlier.
Don't worry about
totally shitting the bed.
Like, no one's gonna
think you're a psycho.
And they put you in
here, and that's great.
I'm over there, in the big one.
So nice to talk to
you. Bye, new friend!
- Bye.
- Bye.
Upbeat music.
Joanne? Hi.
I just came over to say
I'm sorry about that.
I wasn't trying to
avoid you back there.
- I'm just... I'm Jackie.
- I know who you are.
It's so fun to... see
your face and body.
And... to meet
you in the person.
Aw. And I wanted to say I
didn't mean to act weird
about training you. I'm just
going through some junk, some...
- Oh.
- Don't take it personally.
No, not at all.
It-it's, like, in-insane
that you'd be training me.
I mean, you're-you're, like, the
best host in the history of SVN.
What? No, I'm not. Come on.
What makes you say that?
Oh, so many reasons.
Really? Like, what
reasons? I want to hear.
You're, like...
you're so pretty.
Um, you're so smart.
Yeah, you're Jackie. I've
been watching you forever.
I mean, I kind of idolize you.
Sorry.
I-I can ask if someone
else can train me.
It's, like, insane that
you would train me.
You know what? For
you, I'm gonna do it.
- Oh!
- I got a lot of great pointers.
And as you know, I'm
really good at this.
Welcome to the jungle, Joanne.
- It's "Joanna."
- Oh.
Joanna!
And don't you dare take
a picture of my butt.
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
"Mr. Angel" by Tommy Newport.
If you'll just look over
here at the Dusty Plum,
and look at this
magnetic fastener.
The other day, I actually caught
my son Tristan playing with it,
and he goes, "My
puwse, my puwse."
And I was like, "No, no,
no, no, no, not for boys."
"You can have a fire truck."
Okay, so see this
monitor right here?
The line goes up,
you're selling.
Line goes down, you're tanking.
She's doing okay, but she
should really be talking
about the leather options.
Hang on. You know what? Go into
the control room and watch.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna show you something.
- Okay. Yes.
- Go.
And, oh, wait. Okay, what?
- Jackie Stilton is...
- Hey, y'all!
Here, swinging by.
- Hey, girl. How are you? Hi.
- Hi, hon. I'm so sorry,
but I just had to stop by and
say hi to my gals at home.
Okay, we're out of
the Burmese Khaki.
Now we're sold out
of the Burmese Khaki.
- Push the Meringue.
- But
- we have the Creamy Meringue.
- Creamy Meringue.
You know, the last time
someone did my hair was
for my bat mitzvah.
Joanna Gold
rehearsal, take four.
Okay, and I just
have some beautiful
color options for you today.
Now, I want to show you
these Sandstone Neutral.
Okay, no more Sandstone.
Tell 'em we're out.
Okay, and so we are
actually very low
on the Sandstone
Neutrals, so please...
Oh, no, not "low." They're done.
Okay, got you. Sorry about that.
Uh, don't say "got you."
Don't-don't talk to me.
Sorry. Oh, okay. Sorry.
So, um, so we do have a
quite a few left
in our Miami Multi,
- actually, though.
- Stand by for close-up.
And I just want you
to get a close-up
- on this gorgeous exclusive.
- No, no, I-I said, "Stand by."
- Not yet.
- Okay, and you're not gonna
see it for a second,
'cause it's gonna
- take a sec to get to that.
- You don't have
- to tell them that.
- I'm so sorry. I don't know.
Don't apologize.
Stop apologizing.
Okay. Okay, sorry.
Okay, I won't.
I'm sorry for saying "sorry."
Honestly, how lucky are we
to get paid to do what we love?
All right, now, the
Diet Fiesta Coconut Cake
is one of our best sellers,
so let's see how you do.
Okay.
Mmm. I wish y'all
could smell this cake.
I just love this cake.
Okay, time-out already.
Oh.
Honey, you got to spice
it up a little bit.
Now, yeah, you could
say, "I love this cake."
Wah, wah.
What you want to say is, "My
grandma loves this cake."
"My niece is a coconut freak."
"My mama, every year
on her birthday,
"she gets this cake." I mean,
don't use the mama stuff,
'cause that's mine, but...
- Got it. No mamas, okay.
- Wh-What about your daughters?
You got two little
baby daughters?
- No.
- No kids?
Mm-mm.
Well, what about
your-your book club
with your little wino friends?
Oh, I mostly just listen
to audiobooks in my car.
We're coming into
people's living rooms.
We're their friends, you
know? It's a relationship.
I like hearing about
the color story,
but what I really want to know
about is, what's Joanna's story?
- You know?
- Right. Mm-hmm.
- Okay...
- Action!
So... my story is,
um,
when I was a kid,
I had
such a classic
Midwestern upbringing.
Hmm.
Okay.
I always prefer a lobster
claw clasp, not only because
of that oh-so-important
- security it offers...
- Mom?
Can I get that bracelet?
It has a lobster claw clasp,
which is unheard of
at this price point.
Fabulous earrings,
and I thought,
"I'm gonna make
this a great day."
Upbeat music.
Oh, my God.
I love it!
So, this fridge gets emptied
out every night at 2 a.m.
So, as long as you get here
before then, you're golden.
Are you gonna finish
that chicken leg?
Mmm. I think it... I think
it's mostly cartilage.
No, there's meat on there.
- Take it.
- I can see it. Yeah.
Mmm. I love your
bracelet, by the way.
- Oh.
- So cute.
Where'd you get it?
Um...
Sorry.
What's the matter? Are you okay?
- Yeah. No, yeah.
- Aw.
- Here, you can have the chicken.
- No, it...
There's eight more in the back.
No, no, no. It's
not that. It's, um
you sold me this bracelet
when I was 13, and...
I was going through sort of
a hard time because, um...
Well, it doesn't matter why.
But I wear it every single day.
And, um, every
time I look at it,
it just makes me feel better.
And it makes me feel
like I have a friend.
And so, it's just
pretty crazy for me
to be sitting here
with you right now, like,
you know, having a chicken.
Aw.
Herringbone is so classic.
It really has an air
of sophistication.
Oh, are you okay?
I just can't believe
you have that bracelet
after all these years, you know?
That's so sweet.
Marty would always tease
me about this place.
I could always tell that he
thought my job was so stupid.
Will you pass me that chocolate
bunny holding a cell phone?
- I could just...
- Oh, thanks.
You know,
my astrologer told me
that my divorce will make
space for new connections.
So, maybe this is what she
was talking about, you know?
I'm so glad you're here.
Oh. Me, too.
This bunny actually
tastes so bad.
I feel like it
almost tastes dusty.
You are gonna be
so great tomorrow.
What? They're giving
out Academy Awards
for selling place mats now?
And I won?
I've never felt so.
Satisfied
I'm in love, I'm alive.
Intoxicated
- I don't know if it's real.
- Ah, ah.
But I like the
way I feel inside.
You've - Got me feeling.
Emotions - Emotions.
Why did my product change?
Uh, it happens. Two
minutes to live!
Hey, you're gonna be great.
- Really?
- I'm not sure.
What? Are you being serious?
No! I'm-I'm kidding. Come on.
Okay. Okay.
I'll feed you everything.
Okay. Thank you. Excuse me.
Okay.
- Suzanne.
- Uh, what?
- Oh, hi. I'm Joanna.
- Ugh! Are you new?
- Yeah.
- Ugh.
Next on SVN,
an hour of fabulous products
to enhance your home.
Stay tuned for A La Maison.
In five, four, three.
I know.
Okay, okay.
Thank you so much for
joining us tonight.
My name is Joanna Gold, and I am
truly thrilled to
be here tonight
with the founder of the
GottaHavelt Deep Sleep line.
Hello there, Suzanne DuNaysh.
How are you, my love?
- Eric Adams is on the phone.
- Great.
So happy to be
bringing this here.
Does he want ass or money?
I think money.
Your very first ever broadcast?
- No.
- It sure is.
- Copy.
- I'm a little freshman
at SVN High School, okay?
And I'm-I'm happy to be here.
So, we are starting it
out with item H-42383.
This is the GottaHavelt
Deep Sleep Pillow Mist.
And, Suzanne, can you please
tell us about this product?
Because I love it so very much.
This is a fragrant
pillow mist...
- Okay.
- Specifically designed
by researchers to prepare
the body for sleep.
Okay, now, I love that so much.
That it's been developed in a
science way. How cool is that?
- Oh, it's perfect.
- It's so good, Joanna.
This is actually a
limited-edition spritz.
And it's got so many
wonderful things in it.
It has got lavender,
it has got white musk,
- and it has got vetiver.
- Mmm.
So, how dreamy does
that combo sound?
- Are you dying to smell it?
- I sure am.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Mmm.
You got to be
fucking kidding me.
Okay, Joanna, you kind of made
a face like it smelled bad.
So, just don't do that again.
- So good.
- So good.
Smells awesome, you guys!
- Awesome!
- Uh, cut to the product.
Okay, uh, Joanna, this is
going really fucking south.
So, you need to talk now.
And I just, I-I really
want to tell you that
we're gonna have such a,
uh, great hour ahead of us.
We're gonna have fun, okay?
We're gonna have a blast.
Well, thank you so much.
What a fun night. Now,
keep it right here
for Foot Fancy with
Kikland Hubbard. Buh-bye.
Thank you. See you next time.
Clear!
Um, thanks so much for
doing that with me.
That was a lot of fun.
You fucked me.
- Hi.
- Hey. Great job.
Except for that face you made.
Patricia wants to see
you in the morning.
- Okay.
- That's really bad.
- Good luck!
- Thank you.
Soft, gentle music.
Washing her hair. Come
on. Where are you from?
- Oh, Patricia?
- How old are you? Yes.
Patricia, she's here.
- Hey.
- Okay, Darcy.
Show her the sales.
Go ahead, show her.
You know, it's difficult
to want to buy a pillow mist
when the person selling
it to you smells it
and then makes that face.
It's not that bad. Don't worry.
Look, um, I'm really sorry.
It's just, I was practicing
with the place mats all week.
So, you know, I-I'm
just so sorry for...
Okay. I accept your apology.
- Okay.
- But I'm curious.
How much is your apology worth?
Is it worth $78,000?
Because that's how much
pillow mist I've got sitting
in my warehouse taking up
space, kind of like you.
Can I just ask why I got
taken off Janeane by Janeane?
Beth Ann wanted it.
Okay, I think we're done.
Okay, so should I
just go back to my...
You're fired.
What?! Patty?! No, no.
Pat, come on. Can't we just
give her another chance?
I just gave her a big
fat fucking chance,
and she shit the bed.
Come on. She's got something.
You know it.
Now, Jackie
you're back on
Ageless as of today.
Beth Ann stays on place mats.
You're gonna fire me
after one mistake?
I can do this!
I-I'm really good
at this. Okay, look.
Just look. Okay, so, um,
here-here we have a
Deep Pillow Mist, and...
Mmm. Oh, mmm!
I just feel like I'm in
a babbling brook, and...
Isn't that so nice, Beth
Ann? Don't you just love
- how it smells?
- Go!
Oh, my God. I just feel
like a dewy... like a
dewy woman now, and...
It's nontoxic, so we get the...
We can just get a little sip.
- Okay.
- Joanna?
- Joanna?
- That is so good.
It just does... That
tastes like not crap.
- Joanna.
- I love it so much, I'm...
- Joanna.
- Damn!
Honey, no.
Patricia.
Please.
I could be a great host.
I could be a star.
So, what did the
Basquiat people say?
Well, Elon is bidding
higher, but you know
- he wouldn't even hang it up.
- I'm sorry.
- Elon.
- That's just what's happening.
- I'm doing my best.
- Jesus, what is wrong with you?
- It won't handle itself.
- I'm on it.
You know I'm calling
them every other hour.
I have cancer!
Oh, my God. What?
That's right. Um,
I had it when I was
a kid, and she back.
Oh, I just found out recently,
and I didn't want
to tell you all
because I didn't
want to burden you.
So, sorry I messed
up last night.
But I guess I've
got a couple of,
two, three things on
my mind. All right?
Patricia,
you wanted to know my story.
You wanted to know
what I'm selling you.
What's my deal?
Well, I have an answer for you:
I'm a survivor.
And I know that obstacles
just make us stronger.
They make us better.
They make us appreciate
the little things,
the details.
- Keep talking.
- Like this beautiful
cross-stitch hem,
and this bow, which,
I feel like it almost has,
like, a '50s quality to it.
And, you know, as someone
who's battling cancer,
I'm telling you,
we're all going
through something.
And we all deserve
a garment that says,
"Here I am,
and not only am I
going to be okay;
I'm gonna be fabulous."
"It Ain't Over 'til It's
Over" by Lenny Kravitz.
Here we are.
Still together.
We are one.
So much time wasted.
Playing games with love.
So many tears I've cried.
So much pain inside.
But, baby, it ain't
over till it's over.
So many years we've tried.
To keep our love alive.
But, baby, it ain't
over till it's over
If you see the
light hitting it...
Just look at that.
Can you see that, Keith?
Now, this is one of those
pieces that you put on,
and people will be
whispering, "Who is that?
Is that a countess?
Is she the Duchess of Wales?"
At the very least,
they'll be saying,
"She must be friends
with Whitney Houston."
"Dreams" by The Cranberries.
Joanna, sweetie, do
you need something?
- Is that a cookie cake?
- Yeah.
It's my birthday. Cookie
cake's my favorite.
- Aw, happy birthday, Shannon.
- Thanks, hon.
I can't remember the last time
I got to eat a cookie cake.
There are so few pleasures I
get to enjoy in this world.
You know, leukemia.
Oh, my life...
Would you like a piece?
Thank you.
In every possible way...
Do you need something
else, Joanna?
It's just, my mom and
dad are in my room.
Look at how that gold shimmers.
How spectacular is that?
Now, this is one of those
pieces that you put on,
you could be going to
a brunch or an event...
- No.
- That you honestly just need
in your fine jewelry collection.
It's a basic, and I don't
know about you gals,
but when I'm having a bad day,
jewelry has a way of making
me feel so much better.
It's almost an
escape to old Morocco
or the Turkish coast.
An exotic delicacy that
really transports you
to an ancient land.
And for a pita chip,
it really has that
crunch you want.
Visit aisle 13 for big savings
on Cheez Doodles.
Thanks for visiting Costco.
Joanna?
Oh! Lizzy Gomez
from high school.
- Oh, my... oh, my gosh.
- Oh, wow!
Wait, uh, do you work here?
No, uh, yeah. Uh, at times I do.
Oh, okay. Wow.
What about you? What
are you up to, queen?
Just so busy working.
I'm back and forth to
Italy all the time.
Yeah, me, too.
- For Costco?
- Yeah.
Um, we do a lot of
importing from Europe.
So I'm always just
picking up, you know,
gelat', biscott',
fettuccin', spaghetti.
So just, like, busy, busy, busy.
- You know.
- Hey, Joey Bean,
for your three o'clock
demo, did we say.
Bagel Bites or Turkey Tots?
Turkey Tots.
- I'm sorry?
- Turkey Tots.
I'm s... Once again. You
got to say it louder.
I said "Turkey Tots," Dad!
You got it, honey bear.
I mean, here she is,
living her life in, you know,
all kinds of Italy places,
and I'm at Costco?
I mean, I...
I never even wanted to
work there, you know?
- Hmm.
- I mean, my dream was always
to be a host on SVN.
- What is that?
- The Special Value Network. Duh.
I don't know. I
was just thinking,
"What if I did it?"
What if I, like,
auditioned? I mean,
of course, I would not do
anything that would take me away
from Cleveland without
discussing it with you first.
Sorry. I'm confused.
Uh, we've been on,
like, two dates.
Mm, three.
Are you counting our
run-in at Walgreens?
The point is, I think
we were both feeling like
this was kind of it for us.
We kissed on our first date.
What was that about?
I mean...
I'm dating other people.
Did you think that
we were exclusive?
- No.
- So,
I don't think I should
be a part of any
of your major life decisions.
- Yeah?
- Have you
- done much dating before?
- Yeah.
I've done a ton of it.
Um, if I told you more
about it, it would probably
gross you out, basically,
because of the sluttiness of it.
And all of the dates I do.
You know what? I
think I'm gonna go.
You're nice, but I
didn't, you know.
So, I thought this
was gonna kind of...
Best of luck to you.
- And to you, same to you.
- Seriously.
- Seriously.
- I wish you all the
- luck in the world.
- Okay.
And stay out!
Another dump, made by me.
Slow, gentle music.
Joanna Gold?
I see you signed in, but I
don't have you registered.
You know what?
That's my... What?
Sorry. I just have to take this,
but can you just...?
Hello, Peter?
Oh, it's my agent.
Um, yeah, Peter,
um, they're saying
that I'm not on the list.
- Is that...
- Whatever. Just come with me.
Oh, great. Home office.
Just sell us the pencil.
Okay, um, uh,
just-just the pencil,
not the other stuff?
Okay.
An architect uses a
pencil to build a house.
An astronaut uses a pencil to
plan a journey to the moon.
And-and by the way,
when was the last time
you wrote a letter
to someone you love?
What I have for you
today is a portal
to the person that you
are meant to become,
the life that you
are meant to live.
With this pencil, your
dreams can come true.
And why shouldn't they?
Why not you?
Uplifting music.
Okay, great. Okay.
Thank...
In my opinion, that setup
we have for you at Costco
is way better than SVN.
You get to use your
sparkling personality
to sell fabulous products,
and you get to stay
right here in Cleveland,
birthplace of rock and roll.
They would have called by now,
so I don't even think I got it.
Who wants to live
in Pennsylvania?
There is so much fracking,
you cannot drink the water.
And the hospitals,
they are nothing
like they are here.
I'm not sick anymore.
I haven't been sick in 20 years.
My whole life, it's
just, "Honey, be careful.
You had cancer."
Or, "Look at her, the
cancer, you know, person."
You guys, I-I live
with my parents.
- I mean, that is...
- You have your own entrance.
I know, and it is great, okay?
And-and I love that little
area outside with the chair.
- It's just...
- Kiss me...
Oh. Hello?
Yes, this is Joanna
Gold. That is me.
Uh-huh, that... Yes. Yes.
Yes! Thank you so much!
Oh, my God! I got it!
- I got it! Oh, my God.
- Oh.
Oh, no. I just hung up on them.
- No! Oh, no.
- H-Hit star 69.
Upbeat music.
Um, excuse me.
Hi. Um, I'm not sure if
I'm in the right place.
- I'm Joanna.
- Joanna. Yeah.
I know who you are. I'm Darcy,
Patricia's senior associate,
not her assistant.
- Okay.
- Always run everything by me.
But don't talk to
me if I look busy,
such as right now.
We're gonna start
you Monday, 5 a.m.,
with the Janeane by Janeane
place mats and tablescapes.
Oh, my gosh. I love
Janeane by Janeane.
- That's great. Go sit down.
- Mm-hmm.
Cool.
Oh! That's Papa's chair.
- Oh. Papa Bear?
- Yeah.
Okay, guys. Huge announcement.
We just closed: Exclusive
lash line with Los AngeLash.
Also, we're gonna price-cut the
Play a del Fun margarita makers
and the Tandy-Fit Booty
Blasters. Do me a favor...
Absolutely not!
No.
Tell Marco I'm not gonna
pay 90 for a Basquiat.
I don't care if it comes
with his dick in a jar.
Morning.
I thought we were
pulling the egg poachers.
Oh, I thought you said we
were thinking of pulling them.
And you're happy with Thursday?
Oh, I think Thursday's
really strong.
Why is Dazzling Diamonessence
leading into
Backyard Grill Kings?
Hmm. Oh, um, well, you
had said you wanted
to push the Beef Boys inventory.
When you get your asshole waxed,
does the waxer lady try to sell
you a lawn mower right after?
No, because she
knows her audience.
Well, we don't
really talk after.
I thought Jackie was
on Fabulously Ageless.
I'm here! So sorry I'm late.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I was on Fabulously Ageless,
but I told Darcy to take me off.
It's just... you know,
the divorce is final.
Boo-hoo. So, I guess I'm just
not in the mood to
sell wrinkle cream.
Well, we're all so sorry
for everything you're
going through, honey.
And we all have a lot of faith
that you're going to be able
to get in the mood. So, list...
Actually, I've been using
the Up All Night LED
book light nonstop.
I am obsessed with it.
So, I told Darcy
I want to do that.
Have you all read
that crazy memoir
about that astronaut who
wore the space diaper
when she drove
cross-country to stalk
her ex-boyfriend's
new girlfriend?
It is so interesting hearing
her side of the story.
She was very determined.
Should we pause for more book
reports, or should we continue?
Oh, Pat, don't be such a grump.
I'm not being a
grump. I'm just trying
to run a Fortune 500
company, thank you.
Who is this person?
Oh, this is Joanna Gold.
You hired her last week.
Oh, hi.
Um, I just want to say
I'm so excited to be here,
working with you guys and
on this journey with you.
And that it is just freaking
rad to get to see, um,
how le sausage is made.
Just, like, "hashtag BTS."
Behind the scenes.
What are you selling me?
Oh, I was, um, told Janeane
by Janeane place mats.
Perry, what are you selling me?
I'm a Georgia boy,
born and bred.
Meat and potatoes kind of guy.
I like the simple things.
See you at church on Sunday.
Beth Ann, what are
you selling me?
I'm a momfluencer balancing
career, family and self-care.
How does she do it?
Rosé all day.
Now, what are you selling me?
Okay, I got it. All right.
Um, well, I hail from Cleveland,
the birthplace of rock and roll.
And if you're looking for,
you know, a really
good friend who, um,
also is very professional,
honestly, and,
um, loves her job,
you know, she-she's a working...
Oh, she's a working girl.
Then, or whatever.
Then you should
just call-call me up
because I love...
I love working,
and I love... I love to party,
within reason. And so, yeah.
You know who to call for
a-a friend and
coworker of a lifetime.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay. Honey, you're going to be
selling to millions of people.
And if they're gonna buy
from you, they're gonna need
to know who you are.
This isn't a fucking
Sun glass Hut!
Darcy, move her down to 3 a.m.
3 a.m., yeah, I agree.
Jackie, let me worry
about what you're selling,
'cause I need you to focus
on training Joanna this week.
What? No. No, Pat. Come on.
I really was looking
forward to being out there
with my at-home viewers,
my at-home family. Please?
I need her to learn
from the best.
Give her some of
that Jackie magic,
'cause she fucking needs it.
Hey, Joanna, honey,
figure out what the fuck
you're selling me, okay?
On it.
Jesus.
Hi. Uh, I'm Jordan.
- Are you okay?
- Oh. From what?
I just... I'm gonna need you...
- Okay. Yeah, sorry.
- I need both hands.
Yeah, no worries. All
right. There we go.
This is you. Dressing room H.
Oh, my God. My name.
You're adorable.
Let me just, um...
Oh.
Sorry.
Oh.
- Oh, man.
- Um, who's calling?
Oh, sorry. It's my ex.
Was it a messy breakup?
Did she take you for granted?
- That bitch.
- What?
Uh, no, she's-she's
cool. She's not a bitch.
Sorry. Ugh. I'm just
being such a fuck face.
Um, so your shirt, uh,
"Grass is Greener"?
What does that, or... what mean?
Um, it's just my band
name, Grass is Greener.
What kind of music
does your band play?
Well, we have kind
of a unique sound.
We sort of up cycle
'90s classics.
Okay, wait a second.
Love '90s music.
It's the last great
decade of music.
- That's what I think.
- I think
you're really gonna
dig our sound.
Uh-oh.
Is this one giving
you a hard time?
- No.
- Hi, babe. I'm Beth Ann.
- Hi.
- Welcome to the fam.
- Thank you.
- So, I guess I'm not
the shiny new penny anymore.
- Hey, Jor-Jor, angel face?
- Yes?
Could you track
down Fran for me?
She said she would zhuzh
my hair, and I'm on in 20.
Uh, she actually asked not
to be your hair person.
- Uh, sorry. Go for Jordan.
- Are you faking that?
Okay, he is, like, almost
as hot as my husband.
- Oh.
- Do you have a husband?
- No, um...
- My husband,
my kids, they're,
like, my whole world.
- Mm.
- They're obsessed with me.
I'm obsessed with them.
Anyway, the product
meeting earlier.
Don't worry about
totally shitting the bed.
Like, no one's gonna
think you're a psycho.
And they put you in
here, and that's great.
I'm over there, in the big one.
So nice to talk to
you. Bye, new friend!
- Bye.
- Bye.
Upbeat music.
Joanne? Hi.
I just came over to say
I'm sorry about that.
I wasn't trying to
avoid you back there.
- I'm just... I'm Jackie.
- I know who you are.
It's so fun to... see
your face and body.
And... to meet
you in the person.
Aw. And I wanted to say I
didn't mean to act weird
about training you. I'm just
going through some junk, some...
- Oh.
- Don't take it personally.
No, not at all.
It-it's, like, in-insane
that you'd be training me.
I mean, you're-you're, like, the
best host in the history of SVN.
What? No, I'm not. Come on.
What makes you say that?
Oh, so many reasons.
Really? Like, what
reasons? I want to hear.
You're, like...
you're so pretty.
Um, you're so smart.
Yeah, you're Jackie. I've
been watching you forever.
I mean, I kind of idolize you.
Sorry.
I-I can ask if someone
else can train me.
It's, like, insane that
you would train me.
You know what? For
you, I'm gonna do it.
- Oh!
- I got a lot of great pointers.
And as you know, I'm
really good at this.
Welcome to the jungle, Joanne.
- It's "Joanna."
- Oh.
Joanna!
And don't you dare take
a picture of my butt.
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
"Mr. Angel" by Tommy Newport.
If you'll just look over
here at the Dusty Plum,
and look at this
magnetic fastener.
The other day, I actually caught
my son Tristan playing with it,
and he goes, "My
puwse, my puwse."
And I was like, "No, no,
no, no, no, not for boys."
"You can have a fire truck."
Okay, so see this
monitor right here?
The line goes up,
you're selling.
Line goes down, you're tanking.
She's doing okay, but she
should really be talking
about the leather options.
Hang on. You know what? Go into
the control room and watch.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna show you something.
- Okay. Yes.
- Go.
And, oh, wait. Okay, what?
- Jackie Stilton is...
- Hey, y'all!
Here, swinging by.
- Hey, girl. How are you? Hi.
- Hi, hon. I'm so sorry,
but I just had to stop by and
say hi to my gals at home.
Okay, we're out of
the Burmese Khaki.
Now we're sold out
of the Burmese Khaki.
- Push the Meringue.
- But
- we have the Creamy Meringue.
- Creamy Meringue.
You know, the last time
someone did my hair was
for my bat mitzvah.
Joanna Gold
rehearsal, take four.
Okay, and I just
have some beautiful
color options for you today.
Now, I want to show you
these Sandstone Neutral.
Okay, no more Sandstone.
Tell 'em we're out.
Okay, and so we are
actually very low
on the Sandstone
Neutrals, so please...
Oh, no, not "low." They're done.
Okay, got you. Sorry about that.
Uh, don't say "got you."
Don't-don't talk to me.
Sorry. Oh, okay. Sorry.
So, um, so we do have a
quite a few left
in our Miami Multi,
- actually, though.
- Stand by for close-up.
And I just want you
to get a close-up
- on this gorgeous exclusive.
- No, no, I-I said, "Stand by."
- Not yet.
- Okay, and you're not gonna
see it for a second,
'cause it's gonna
- take a sec to get to that.
- You don't have
- to tell them that.
- I'm so sorry. I don't know.
Don't apologize.
Stop apologizing.
Okay. Okay, sorry.
Okay, I won't.
I'm sorry for saying "sorry."
Honestly, how lucky are we
to get paid to do what we love?
All right, now, the
Diet Fiesta Coconut Cake
is one of our best sellers,
so let's see how you do.
Okay.
Mmm. I wish y'all
could smell this cake.
I just love this cake.
Okay, time-out already.
Oh.
Honey, you got to spice
it up a little bit.
Now, yeah, you could
say, "I love this cake."
Wah, wah.
What you want to say is, "My
grandma loves this cake."
"My niece is a coconut freak."
"My mama, every year
on her birthday,
"she gets this cake." I mean,
don't use the mama stuff,
'cause that's mine, but...
- Got it. No mamas, okay.
- Wh-What about your daughters?
You got two little
baby daughters?
- No.
- No kids?
Mm-mm.
Well, what about
your-your book club
with your little wino friends?
Oh, I mostly just listen
to audiobooks in my car.
We're coming into
people's living rooms.
We're their friends, you
know? It's a relationship.
I like hearing about
the color story,
but what I really want to know
about is, what's Joanna's story?
- You know?
- Right. Mm-hmm.
- Okay...
- Action!
So... my story is,
um,
when I was a kid,
I had
such a classic
Midwestern upbringing.
Hmm.
Okay.
I always prefer a lobster
claw clasp, not only because
of that oh-so-important
- security it offers...
- Mom?
Can I get that bracelet?
It has a lobster claw clasp,
which is unheard of
at this price point.
Fabulous earrings,
and I thought,
"I'm gonna make
this a great day."
Upbeat music.
Oh, my God.
I love it!
So, this fridge gets emptied
out every night at 2 a.m.
So, as long as you get here
before then, you're golden.
Are you gonna finish
that chicken leg?
Mmm. I think it... I think
it's mostly cartilage.
No, there's meat on there.
- Take it.
- I can see it. Yeah.
Mmm. I love your
bracelet, by the way.
- Oh.
- So cute.
Where'd you get it?
Um...
Sorry.
What's the matter? Are you okay?
- Yeah. No, yeah.
- Aw.
- Here, you can have the chicken.
- No, it...
There's eight more in the back.
No, no, no. It's
not that. It's, um
you sold me this bracelet
when I was 13, and...
I was going through sort of
a hard time because, um...
Well, it doesn't matter why.
But I wear it every single day.
And, um, every
time I look at it,
it just makes me feel better.
And it makes me feel
like I have a friend.
And so, it's just
pretty crazy for me
to be sitting here
with you right now, like,
you know, having a chicken.
Aw.
Herringbone is so classic.
It really has an air
of sophistication.
Oh, are you okay?
I just can't believe
you have that bracelet
after all these years, you know?
That's so sweet.
Marty would always tease
me about this place.
I could always tell that he
thought my job was so stupid.
Will you pass me that chocolate
bunny holding a cell phone?
- I could just...
- Oh, thanks.
You know,
my astrologer told me
that my divorce will make
space for new connections.
So, maybe this is what she
was talking about, you know?
I'm so glad you're here.
Oh. Me, too.
This bunny actually
tastes so bad.
I feel like it
almost tastes dusty.
You are gonna be
so great tomorrow.
What? They're giving
out Academy Awards
for selling place mats now?
And I won?
I've never felt so.
Satisfied
I'm in love, I'm alive.
Intoxicated
- I don't know if it's real.
- Ah, ah.
But I like the
way I feel inside.
You've - Got me feeling.
Emotions - Emotions.
Why did my product change?
Uh, it happens. Two
minutes to live!
Hey, you're gonna be great.
- Really?
- I'm not sure.
What? Are you being serious?
No! I'm-I'm kidding. Come on.
Okay. Okay.
I'll feed you everything.
Okay. Thank you. Excuse me.
Okay.
- Suzanne.
- Uh, what?
- Oh, hi. I'm Joanna.
- Ugh! Are you new?
- Yeah.
- Ugh.
Next on SVN,
an hour of fabulous products
to enhance your home.
Stay tuned for A La Maison.
In five, four, three.
I know.
Okay, okay.
Thank you so much for
joining us tonight.
My name is Joanna Gold, and I am
truly thrilled to
be here tonight
with the founder of the
GottaHavelt Deep Sleep line.
Hello there, Suzanne DuNaysh.
How are you, my love?
- Eric Adams is on the phone.
- Great.
So happy to be
bringing this here.
Does he want ass or money?
I think money.
Your very first ever broadcast?
- No.
- It sure is.
- Copy.
- I'm a little freshman
at SVN High School, okay?
And I'm-I'm happy to be here.
So, we are starting it
out with item H-42383.
This is the GottaHavelt
Deep Sleep Pillow Mist.
And, Suzanne, can you please
tell us about this product?
Because I love it so very much.
This is a fragrant
pillow mist...
- Okay.
- Specifically designed
by researchers to prepare
the body for sleep.
Okay, now, I love that so much.
That it's been developed in a
science way. How cool is that?
- Oh, it's perfect.
- It's so good, Joanna.
This is actually a
limited-edition spritz.
And it's got so many
wonderful things in it.
It has got lavender,
it has got white musk,
- and it has got vetiver.
- Mmm.
So, how dreamy does
that combo sound?
- Are you dying to smell it?
- I sure am.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Mmm.
You got to be
fucking kidding me.
Okay, Joanna, you kind of made
a face like it smelled bad.
So, just don't do that again.
- So good.
- So good.
Smells awesome, you guys!
- Awesome!
- Uh, cut to the product.
Okay, uh, Joanna, this is
going really fucking south.
So, you need to talk now.
And I just, I-I really
want to tell you that
we're gonna have such a,
uh, great hour ahead of us.
We're gonna have fun, okay?
We're gonna have a blast.
Well, thank you so much.
What a fun night. Now,
keep it right here
for Foot Fancy with
Kikland Hubbard. Buh-bye.
Thank you. See you next time.
Clear!
Um, thanks so much for
doing that with me.
That was a lot of fun.
You fucked me.
- Hi.
- Hey. Great job.
Except for that face you made.
Patricia wants to see
you in the morning.
- Okay.
- That's really bad.
- Good luck!
- Thank you.
Soft, gentle music.
Washing her hair. Come
on. Where are you from?
- Oh, Patricia?
- How old are you? Yes.
Patricia, she's here.
- Hey.
- Okay, Darcy.
Show her the sales.
Go ahead, show her.
You know, it's difficult
to want to buy a pillow mist
when the person selling
it to you smells it
and then makes that face.
It's not that bad. Don't worry.
Look, um, I'm really sorry.
It's just, I was practicing
with the place mats all week.
So, you know, I-I'm
just so sorry for...
Okay. I accept your apology.
- Okay.
- But I'm curious.
How much is your apology worth?
Is it worth $78,000?
Because that's how much
pillow mist I've got sitting
in my warehouse taking up
space, kind of like you.
Can I just ask why I got
taken off Janeane by Janeane?
Beth Ann wanted it.
Okay, I think we're done.
Okay, so should I
just go back to my...
You're fired.
What?! Patty?! No, no.
Pat, come on. Can't we just
give her another chance?
I just gave her a big
fat fucking chance,
and she shit the bed.
Come on. She's got something.
You know it.
Now, Jackie
you're back on
Ageless as of today.
Beth Ann stays on place mats.
You're gonna fire me
after one mistake?
I can do this!
I-I'm really good
at this. Okay, look.
Just look. Okay, so, um,
here-here we have a
Deep Pillow Mist, and...
Mmm. Oh, mmm!
I just feel like I'm in
a babbling brook, and...
Isn't that so nice, Beth
Ann? Don't you just love
- how it smells?
- Go!
Oh, my God. I just feel
like a dewy... like a
dewy woman now, and...
It's nontoxic, so we get the...
We can just get a little sip.
- Okay.
- Joanna?
- Joanna?
- That is so good.
It just does... That
tastes like not crap.
- Joanna.
- I love it so much, I'm...
- Joanna.
- Damn!
Honey, no.
Patricia.
Please.
I could be a great host.
I could be a star.
So, what did the
Basquiat people say?
Well, Elon is bidding
higher, but you know
- he wouldn't even hang it up.
- I'm sorry.
- Elon.
- That's just what's happening.
- I'm doing my best.
- Jesus, what is wrong with you?
- It won't handle itself.
- I'm on it.
You know I'm calling
them every other hour.
I have cancer!
Oh, my God. What?
That's right. Um,
I had it when I was
a kid, and she back.
Oh, I just found out recently,
and I didn't want
to tell you all
because I didn't
want to burden you.
So, sorry I messed
up last night.
But I guess I've
got a couple of,
two, three things on
my mind. All right?
Patricia,
you wanted to know my story.
You wanted to know
what I'm selling you.
What's my deal?
Well, I have an answer for you:
I'm a survivor.
And I know that obstacles
just make us stronger.
They make us better.
They make us appreciate
the little things,
the details.
- Keep talking.
- Like this beautiful
cross-stitch hem,
and this bow, which,
I feel like it almost has,
like, a '50s quality to it.
And, you know, as someone
who's battling cancer,
I'm telling you,
we're all going
through something.
And we all deserve
a garment that says,
"Here I am,
and not only am I
going to be okay;
I'm gonna be fabulous."
"It Ain't Over 'til It's
Over" by Lenny Kravitz.
Here we are.
Still together.
We are one.
So much time wasted.
Playing games with love.
So many tears I've cried.
So much pain inside.
But, baby, it ain't
over till it's over.
So many years we've tried.
To keep our love alive.
But, baby, it ain't
over till it's over