I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 5, Episode 26 - Return Home from Europe - full transcript
Lucy takes a huge block of cheese disguised as a baby on the flight home.
"Return Home From Europe"
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
(theme song ending)
ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy."
(applause)
Lucy, have you got room for this
stuff in your trunk?
I was just coming down to ask you the
same thing.
Ethel, I told you, you were buying
too many souvenirs.
Well, now, I want a lot of things
to remind me of my trip when I get
home.
Gee, I hate to leave Europe.
Me, too.
From the looks of things, you're not
leaving it.
You're taking it with you.
Oh, Fred, you can't come home from
Europe
without buying gifts for your
friends.
The test of true friendship
does not depend upon buying gifts.
He ought to know--
he's been testing his friends for 20
years.
Look at all this junk you're lugging
home.
This is not junk, Fred, believe me.
Hi, Rick.
Come here. Hi, Ricky.
Hi, honey. Hi, dear.
Listen, I stopped by American 'Spress
and I gave them our forwarding
address in New York.
Hey, did they have any mail Good.
for us at American 'Spress?
Oh, yes, I almost forgot. Here.
Oh, a letter from Mother!
Gee, it'll be wonderful to see Mother
and Little Ricky again, won't it,
honey?
Yeah, it'll be wonderful to see
Little Ricky again all right.
Here's a telegram for you.
How do you like that?
A telegram
and she forwards it in the regular
mail.
It takes three weeks to get here.
Only your mother would...
Oh, now, honey, maybe it isn't
important.
It's probably a birthday greeting or
something.
I hope you're right.
que estaba esperando.
What's it say?
Oh, no! Lo estoy esperando por tres
meses el telegram...
FRED: What's it say?
Well, whatever it is,
I have a feeling it isn't "happy
birthday."
Your mother is a... a...
Honey, is it important?
Oh, no, no.
Only the managing director of the
Roxy Theater in New York,
and he wants me to open there with my
band for two weeks,
starting next Monday!
That's all.
Oh...
We'll make it if fly.
That's a good idea.
I'll call him
and find out if the offer still
stands.
All right.
Hello, operator.
Operator, I want to put a call to New
York City, please.
Mr. Rothefel at the Roxy Theater in
New York City.
As soon as you can.
It's very important.
Listen, Fred, would you see if you
can get a reservation
on Pan American for us and the
orchestra?
Sure I will.
Hey, this is exciting.
We're gonna fly across the ocean.
Who said you were going to?
What do you mean?
I may leave you right here in Europe.
I didn't do anything.
Your mother did, and she inherits it
from you.
Oh!
Hello.
Yes? Yes.
Mr. Rothefel?
This is Ricky Ricardo.
Ye-Yes, sir. I'm still...
I'm still in Europe.
I got your wire.
Well, I just got it today.
Well, I-I know when it was sent,
but it went to my personal dead
letter office.
Oh, push tush.
Well, it doesn't matter. Look, I just
wanted to find out:
Does the offer stand?
Wonderful.
Yeah, well, I'm just trying to find
out if I can fly.
Yeah, you'll make it, Peter Pan.
I'll let you know...
Oh, hold it a minute.
Hey, it's all set, Rick.
There's a clipper leaving tomorrow
afternoon,
arriving New York the following day.
Wonderful. Listen, it's all right.
We-we're gonna be able to fly
and we'll be there in plenty of time.
Yes. Thank you very much.
Good-bye. Good.
Now listen. Wait a minute.
You'd better call the steamship lines
and tell them that we have to go by
plane.
All right.
You see, everything's all right.
Mother didn't make such a bad mistake
after all.
Hey, Rick, I'm just thinking.
The band was going home free for
playing on the boat.
This way, you'll have to buy plane
tickets for all of us.
Oh, who asked you?
Thanks to your mother,
I have to play the Roxy for two weeks
for nothing.
All right, forget about the Roxy.
Let's go home on the boat like we
planned.
Oh, no. No, no.
I've been waiting to play the Roxy
for a long time,
and I'm gonna play the Roxy.
Oh, ho! You see? It isn't my mother's
fault at all.
It's just your neurotic need to be in
the spotlight.
My neurotic need to be in the
spotlight?
Yeah. How do you like them apples?
And close your mouth.
What apples?
I hope that's a big plane we're going
home on.
Got to have plenty of room for all
this stuff.
Oh, no, you dunt.
What "dunt" I "dunt?"
You don't take this junk on the
plane.
That's what you don't dunt.
Why not?
Look, they only allow you 66 pounds,
and every pound over 66 costs you two
dollars.
Two dollars a pound?
That's right.
Everything over 66 pounds has to go
by boat.
(sighing): Well, all right.
Let's see.
Oh, dear, now, I've got to take these
wooden shoes
to Marian Van Black.
And I got to take this bottle
of My Sin to Mrs. Trumbull, I
promised her.
Oh, here's something you can ship.
That probably weighs all of two
ounces.
Well, I don't care.
These other things are very
important.
Look, Lucy, make up your mind, that
everything goes by boat
except your luggage and your clothes.
That alone will weigh 66 pounds.
All right, but there's one thing
I have to take with me for sure--
that cheese.
That cheese?
Yes. Now, don't argue with me.
You can't get that kind of cheese at
home.
Are you kidding?
This thing must weigh 66 pounds by
itself.
No, it's only 25 pounds.
That's a very rare kind of Italian
cheese
and I promised to bring it home for a
very special person.
And who is this very special person?
Someone we all know and love--
my mother.
Your what?!
My mother, and she's a who, not a
what.
Now, look, Lucy, your mother has
already cost me a fortune.
And I'm not going to spend one more
penny
on that big hunk of cheese.
How can we get off that plane
and not have a present for mother?
After all, she stayed with the baby
all the time we were gone.
For the money she's cost me, I could
have hired Dr. Spock.
Oh...
Now, look, I don't want to hear
another argument about it.
I'm not going to spend one more penny
for this cheese
even to ship it.
Now, come on, Fred.
We've got a lot of things to do.
Okay.
Boy, there's going to be some family
argument
if I get off that plane without a
present for my mother.
How can I get that cheese to New
York?
You can't.
Oh, yes, I can, now.
Ricky won't pay for taking it...
What do, what do they take on the
plane for free?
Only the clothes you're wearing.
Oh, well, that's no good.
Very few people wear cheese.
Try to think of something else
besides clothes.
You thinking?
Y-Yes. I'm, I'm thinking.
Yeah, I'm thinking.
Do they charge for babies on planes?
I don't think so. Why?
Oh, no.
Lucy, oh, no, Lucy.
Isn't that cute?
Yeah.
Gee, that'll come in handy, won't it?
Hi.
Hi, boys.
Hi, Rick.
Where's Lucy?
Oh, uh, uh, she stopped to get a
magazine.
She'll be here in a minute.
How much time do we have?
We take off in five minutes.
Thank you.
If Lucy misses this plane...
Now, Rick, she'll make it.
Five will get you ten.
Don't worry, Rick.
Sit down.
She'll make it.
Yeah, well...
Oh, here she comes.
I told you, she'd make it.
What's she...
What's that?
What's what?
That. What are you doing?
Oh, Rock-a-bye, baby...
What have you got there?
Where are you going?
I am not the father of that cheese.
Oh... come on, sit down.
Sit down here.
Look...
Sit down!
I don't want anything to do with you
or your little scheme.
I will be sitting in the lounge
in the back of the plane.
Oh, Ricky.
Fred.
I thought I'd sit up here with you
so we wouldn't disturb the others.
WOMAN (over P.A.): Good afternoon.
All of us are happy to have you
aboard
this Pan American President flight
number 155 to New York.
Fasten your seat belts, please,
and observe the "No Smoking" sign.
Thank you.
I'm Evelyn Bigsby.
Oh, I'm, uh...
How do you do?
I'm Lucy Ricardo.
How do you do?
(baby crying)
No, no.
She's a little fussy.
She missed her nap.
Oh.
My, you certainly have a quiet baby.
Good baby.
Yeah, well...
Is it a girl?
Huh?
Is it a girl?
No.
Oh, a boy.
All right.
Mine's a girl.
Oh.
She's four months old.
Hmm.
How old is yours?
Uh... four months.
Oh, big baby.
How much does he weigh?
25 pounds.
25 pounds at four months?
Too much?
Well, how much did he weigh when he
was born?
Uh...fif... uh...
Eight pounds.
But he's a big eater.
Well, I think I'll take a nap.
I'm just dying to see him.
What's his name?
Cheddar...
Uh, Chester.
My daughter's name's Caroline.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Especially for a girl.
Isn't she cute?
Yeah.
May I?
Oh, no, he's...
he's very shy.
He doesn't like to have strangers
look at him.
Do you want the strange lady to see
you?
You don't? Oh, well, don't worry
about it. No.
No, no, it's perfectly all right.
No, I'll just tell her, that's all.
Forget about it.
He said no.
He talks?
Only the last couple of months.
If you ladies will give me the
babies' bottles,
I'll heat them.
Oh, fine, yes.
Thank you.
There you are.
Wouldn't you like me to warm your
baby's bottle?
Oh, well, he isn't hungry yet. Thank
you.
Well, then, let me keep it in the
refrigerator it for you.
Oh, okay... oh.
Uh... I didn't bring any.
You didn't bring any?
You didn't bring any?
Oh, well, I meant to, really.
I-I just forgot.
So, just skip it.
He can have one of mine.
Oh, no, I wouldn't think of it.
Thank you just the same.
I'll, I'll feed him when we get to
New York.
But we don't get there until
tomorrow.
Oh, well, it will do him good.
He's too fat anyway.
Please heat both bottles, Miss.
Thank you very much.
Oh, hi, dear.
Oh, is that your husband?
Yes.
Oh, pardon me, sir.
Wouldn't you like to sit next to your
wife?
I'd be glad to change seats with you.
Yes, come on, dear, sit here.
Not while you have that.
He can't stand children.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
Yes, it is,
especially when the baby looks
exactly like him.
Here we are.
Oh, good.
Oh, thank you.
You know, this is a wonderful
formula.
It's been in the family for years.
Is that so?
Mmm. Here we go, honey.
(clicking tongue)
Good baby.
Yes, you're a good baby.
Drink it all up.
That's a boy.
Down the hatch.
Now, here we go.
(chuckling)
He hates to drink alone.
What's in that formula?
Cod liver oil.
I... I think he's had enough.
Thank you very much.
Well he hasn't had any at all.
Oh, no, he's had plenty, really.
He wasn't very hungry.
Burp.
Burp.
Mrs. Ricardo?
Burp. Yes?
I've been checking my list
and there seems to be a mistake.
Oh?
I don't have a record of your baby on
our passenger list.
Oh, that. Well, I didn't mention it
because I-I didn't think it mattered
as long as babies travel for free.
Oh, but they don't on overseas
flights.
Oh.
We do charge, but we charge only ten
percent
of the regular fare for babies.
Oh.
You can pay for the baby when you get
to New York.
(whispering): Ethel, wake up.
Ethel, wake up.
Fred, Fred, stop. Don't pull all the
covers.
What's the matter?
Wake up. Huh, what?
What's the matter?
Complications.
Complications.
What's the matter?
They charge ten percent of the
regular fare for babies.
That's $30.
Oh, well, how much will it cost for
the cheese?
Fifty dollars.
Well, it's cheaper to have the cheese
be a baby
than have the baby be a cheese.
That's not the point.
Either way, Ricky will kill me.
But what are you gonna do, honey?
I'll be back.
Where are you going? Ooh...!
I'm going to the kitchen.
Okay.
Ethel, wake up.
What, what?
Move over.
What are we gonna do, Lucy?
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna eat it.
What?!
We're gonna eat the cheese.
You like cheese, don't you?
Oh, well, not enough to eat all of
that.
Oh, come on now.
Oh, Lucy, I couldn't eat 25 pounds of
cheese.
I-I polished off a wonderful meal.
I-I ate a-a nice, great, big steak
and-and some apricot pie...
Hey, stop talking and eat. Here.
Oh, Lucy, this is ridiculous.
Even I can't eat all of this.
Eat what you can.
We'll figure out what to do with the
rest later.
(contented sigh)
Where's your baby?
Huh?
Your baby-- where is he?
Oh, that.
(chuckling): Oh, I didn't have a
baby.
(laughing)
What do you mean, you didn't have a
baby?
I didn't.
I didn't have a baby.
It was a piece of cheese.
(screams)
Stewardess!
Mrs. Bigsby...
Stewardess!
Help!
Mrs. Bigsby...
What's the matter?
This woman's baby's disappeared
and now she claims she never had one.
No, no, no, no, no, no, that's not
true.
What's the matter?
I saw your baby.
No, you did not.
(all talking over each other)
I've been with this department a good
many years,
but I've never seen a case like this.
Now, Mrs. Bigsby claims that
Mrs. Ricardo had an object in her
arms,
and that that object was a baby.
I don't claim; I saw.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
You have no idea what you saw.
Mrs. Ricardo says it was not a baby.
So far, this is logical.
There's a difference of opinion.
One lady is right,
the other's wrong.
Yeah, well.
Mr. Ricardo, a celebrated and
seemingly rational man,
says that it looked like a baby,
but it was in reality a piece of
cheese.
That's right.
Yeah.
Now, Mrs. Ricardo,
I'm going to ask you once more:
Was there a baby?
No, sir.
Then whose is this?
Oh...
It's mine.
It's the latest thing from Paris.
Now, look, mister, mister...
the newsreel fellow is there.
He wants to take a picture of me and
my orchestra.
Oh, he does?
Yes, sir. Now, uh, you see,
th-they're getting awfully close to
the deadline.
Oh, they are?
Well, I thought you'd like to know.
Yeah.
I beg your pardon, sir, but I am
positive
Mrs. Ricardo was carrying a baby.
Oh, no you're not, you're not
positive about a thing.
Ma'am, please.
I saw the baby drinking the milk.
(shouting): Wait a minute!
Did you actually see the baby's face?
I most certainly.
RICKY: Oh, come now.
You couldn't miss It.
It looked just like him.
What do you mean, it looked just like
me?
You leave him out of it.
He had nothing to do with it.
It was a baby.
It was a piece of cheese.
Did you ever hear a piece of cheese
burp?
Oh...
Look, let me try to explain
this whole thing to you from the
beginning.
We were in Nice.
She wanted to bring this cheese to
her mother.
All right, now, I had been telling
her
she had too much luggage already.
So, she thought that babies travel
for free.
She took the cheese,
she put a blanket around it,
put the little bonnet on the cheese
and took it in the plane with her.
Well, didn't you think this was
rather strange behavior?
For Lucy? No.
You see, I intended to pay for the
cheese
the minute I got here.
Oh, you did?
I did.
That's right.
He told me he was.
RICKY: Sure.
Hey, Rick, we're gonna
miss out on those newsreels.
Yeah, get your instruments out...
You don't mind if they start
getting...
Well, yes, oh, all right, but just
one question.
Where is the cheese?
That's a good question.
Where is the cheese, honey?
Uh, where is the cheese?
Yes, where is the cheese?
ETHEL: We ate it.
You and Mrs. Ricardo ate 25 pounds of
cheese?
Oh, come now.
Oh, it's possible.
I've seen my wife sit down and polish
off a whole...
Oh, shut up.
Lucy, where is the cheese?
Well?
Well, I'm afraid to tell you.
I am not going to do anything to you.
You promise?
(shouting): I am not going to do...!
(wailing)
You scared me!
I'm sorry.
Look, I'll be glad to pay for the
cheese, honey.
Well, that's not what I'm afraid of.
Well, tell me what it is.
Pardon me, Mr. Ricardo.
Yes, sir.
We've just got two minutes
and I've got to get that shot.
All right. Would you excuse...
Let me take this, please.
It's very important.
Oh, go ahead.
We're working at the Roxy.
The one that you see...
Mr. Ricardo, right over here.
You stand right over here in front of
the band.
Yes, sir.
I'll ask you
if you're glad to be home
and you answer by playing "Home Sweet
Home."
Thank you.
Roll it, Vic.
All right, boys, "Home Sweet Home.
Everybody together.
Mr. Ricardo, how does it feel
to be back in the United States?
(silence)
What's the matter?
Oh, no!
CUSTOMS AGENT: So that's where you
hid the cheese!
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry
I didn't know it'd get all gooey and
everything like that.
You don't know how much trouble it
was
to get rid of that cheese.
I just had to get that cheese home to
my mother, honey.
Oh, all I could think of was to put
it in there.
I put it in the trombone-- that
wasn't bad--
but that piccolo... I thought I'd
never get it in the piccolo.
If you'd only had a tuba in the band,
I could've put the whole thing in the
tuba.
I'm terribly sorry, honey, but I
didn't know what else to do.
It'd have meant a lot to me to take
a...
You're laughing.
I thought you'd be angry.
What are you laughing at?
(laughing): It's so ridiculous.
The whole thing is so utterly
ridiculous.
It is? Yeah, I guess so.
It could only happen to you.
Yeah, little old silly me.
(exaggerated laugh)
You know something, Lucy?
What?
Being married to you is not easy.
No.
But it sure is a lot of fun.
Oh, honey!
Mmm...
Come on, let's go home and see the
baby, huh?
All right, honey.
(closing orchestral flourish playing)
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: The part of Evelyn Bigsby
was played by Mary Jane Croft,
the stewardess was Mildred Law,
the airline officer was Ray Kellogg,
the newsman was Bennett Green,
and the customs officer was Frank
Nelson.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same
time.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
(theme song ending)
ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy."
(applause)
Lucy, have you got room for this
stuff in your trunk?
I was just coming down to ask you the
same thing.
Ethel, I told you, you were buying
too many souvenirs.
Well, now, I want a lot of things
to remind me of my trip when I get
home.
Gee, I hate to leave Europe.
Me, too.
From the looks of things, you're not
leaving it.
You're taking it with you.
Oh, Fred, you can't come home from
Europe
without buying gifts for your
friends.
The test of true friendship
does not depend upon buying gifts.
He ought to know--
he's been testing his friends for 20
years.
Look at all this junk you're lugging
home.
This is not junk, Fred, believe me.
Hi, Rick.
Come here. Hi, Ricky.
Hi, honey. Hi, dear.
Listen, I stopped by American 'Spress
and I gave them our forwarding
address in New York.
Hey, did they have any mail Good.
for us at American 'Spress?
Oh, yes, I almost forgot. Here.
Oh, a letter from Mother!
Gee, it'll be wonderful to see Mother
and Little Ricky again, won't it,
honey?
Yeah, it'll be wonderful to see
Little Ricky again all right.
Here's a telegram for you.
How do you like that?
A telegram
and she forwards it in the regular
mail.
It takes three weeks to get here.
Only your mother would...
Oh, now, honey, maybe it isn't
important.
It's probably a birthday greeting or
something.
I hope you're right.
que estaba esperando.
What's it say?
Oh, no! Lo estoy esperando por tres
meses el telegram...
FRED: What's it say?
Well, whatever it is,
I have a feeling it isn't "happy
birthday."
Your mother is a... a...
Honey, is it important?
Oh, no, no.
Only the managing director of the
Roxy Theater in New York,
and he wants me to open there with my
band for two weeks,
starting next Monday!
That's all.
Oh...
We'll make it if fly.
That's a good idea.
I'll call him
and find out if the offer still
stands.
All right.
Hello, operator.
Operator, I want to put a call to New
York City, please.
Mr. Rothefel at the Roxy Theater in
New York City.
As soon as you can.
It's very important.
Listen, Fred, would you see if you
can get a reservation
on Pan American for us and the
orchestra?
Sure I will.
Hey, this is exciting.
We're gonna fly across the ocean.
Who said you were going to?
What do you mean?
I may leave you right here in Europe.
I didn't do anything.
Your mother did, and she inherits it
from you.
Oh!
Hello.
Yes? Yes.
Mr. Rothefel?
This is Ricky Ricardo.
Ye-Yes, sir. I'm still...
I'm still in Europe.
I got your wire.
Well, I just got it today.
Well, I-I know when it was sent,
but it went to my personal dead
letter office.
Oh, push tush.
Well, it doesn't matter. Look, I just
wanted to find out:
Does the offer stand?
Wonderful.
Yeah, well, I'm just trying to find
out if I can fly.
Yeah, you'll make it, Peter Pan.
I'll let you know...
Oh, hold it a minute.
Hey, it's all set, Rick.
There's a clipper leaving tomorrow
afternoon,
arriving New York the following day.
Wonderful. Listen, it's all right.
We-we're gonna be able to fly
and we'll be there in plenty of time.
Yes. Thank you very much.
Good-bye. Good.
Now listen. Wait a minute.
You'd better call the steamship lines
and tell them that we have to go by
plane.
All right.
You see, everything's all right.
Mother didn't make such a bad mistake
after all.
Hey, Rick, I'm just thinking.
The band was going home free for
playing on the boat.
This way, you'll have to buy plane
tickets for all of us.
Oh, who asked you?
Thanks to your mother,
I have to play the Roxy for two weeks
for nothing.
All right, forget about the Roxy.
Let's go home on the boat like we
planned.
Oh, no. No, no.
I've been waiting to play the Roxy
for a long time,
and I'm gonna play the Roxy.
Oh, ho! You see? It isn't my mother's
fault at all.
It's just your neurotic need to be in
the spotlight.
My neurotic need to be in the
spotlight?
Yeah. How do you like them apples?
And close your mouth.
What apples?
I hope that's a big plane we're going
home on.
Got to have plenty of room for all
this stuff.
Oh, no, you dunt.
What "dunt" I "dunt?"
You don't take this junk on the
plane.
That's what you don't dunt.
Why not?
Look, they only allow you 66 pounds,
and every pound over 66 costs you two
dollars.
Two dollars a pound?
That's right.
Everything over 66 pounds has to go
by boat.
(sighing): Well, all right.
Let's see.
Oh, dear, now, I've got to take these
wooden shoes
to Marian Van Black.
And I got to take this bottle
of My Sin to Mrs. Trumbull, I
promised her.
Oh, here's something you can ship.
That probably weighs all of two
ounces.
Well, I don't care.
These other things are very
important.
Look, Lucy, make up your mind, that
everything goes by boat
except your luggage and your clothes.
That alone will weigh 66 pounds.
All right, but there's one thing
I have to take with me for sure--
that cheese.
That cheese?
Yes. Now, don't argue with me.
You can't get that kind of cheese at
home.
Are you kidding?
This thing must weigh 66 pounds by
itself.
No, it's only 25 pounds.
That's a very rare kind of Italian
cheese
and I promised to bring it home for a
very special person.
And who is this very special person?
Someone we all know and love--
my mother.
Your what?!
My mother, and she's a who, not a
what.
Now, look, Lucy, your mother has
already cost me a fortune.
And I'm not going to spend one more
penny
on that big hunk of cheese.
How can we get off that plane
and not have a present for mother?
After all, she stayed with the baby
all the time we were gone.
For the money she's cost me, I could
have hired Dr. Spock.
Oh...
Now, look, I don't want to hear
another argument about it.
I'm not going to spend one more penny
for this cheese
even to ship it.
Now, come on, Fred.
We've got a lot of things to do.
Okay.
Boy, there's going to be some family
argument
if I get off that plane without a
present for my mother.
How can I get that cheese to New
York?
You can't.
Oh, yes, I can, now.
Ricky won't pay for taking it...
What do, what do they take on the
plane for free?
Only the clothes you're wearing.
Oh, well, that's no good.
Very few people wear cheese.
Try to think of something else
besides clothes.
You thinking?
Y-Yes. I'm, I'm thinking.
Yeah, I'm thinking.
Do they charge for babies on planes?
I don't think so. Why?
Oh, no.
Lucy, oh, no, Lucy.
Isn't that cute?
Yeah.
Gee, that'll come in handy, won't it?
Hi.
Hi, boys.
Hi, Rick.
Where's Lucy?
Oh, uh, uh, she stopped to get a
magazine.
She'll be here in a minute.
How much time do we have?
We take off in five minutes.
Thank you.
If Lucy misses this plane...
Now, Rick, she'll make it.
Five will get you ten.
Don't worry, Rick.
Sit down.
She'll make it.
Yeah, well...
Oh, here she comes.
I told you, she'd make it.
What's she...
What's that?
What's what?
That. What are you doing?
Oh, Rock-a-bye, baby...
What have you got there?
Where are you going?
I am not the father of that cheese.
Oh... come on, sit down.
Sit down here.
Look...
Sit down!
I don't want anything to do with you
or your little scheme.
I will be sitting in the lounge
in the back of the plane.
Oh, Ricky.
Fred.
I thought I'd sit up here with you
so we wouldn't disturb the others.
WOMAN (over P.A.): Good afternoon.
All of us are happy to have you
aboard
this Pan American President flight
number 155 to New York.
Fasten your seat belts, please,
and observe the "No Smoking" sign.
Thank you.
I'm Evelyn Bigsby.
Oh, I'm, uh...
How do you do?
I'm Lucy Ricardo.
How do you do?
(baby crying)
No, no.
She's a little fussy.
She missed her nap.
Oh.
My, you certainly have a quiet baby.
Good baby.
Yeah, well...
Is it a girl?
Huh?
Is it a girl?
No.
Oh, a boy.
All right.
Mine's a girl.
Oh.
She's four months old.
Hmm.
How old is yours?
Uh... four months.
Oh, big baby.
How much does he weigh?
25 pounds.
25 pounds at four months?
Too much?
Well, how much did he weigh when he
was born?
Uh...fif... uh...
Eight pounds.
But he's a big eater.
Well, I think I'll take a nap.
I'm just dying to see him.
What's his name?
Cheddar...
Uh, Chester.
My daughter's name's Caroline.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Especially for a girl.
Isn't she cute?
Yeah.
May I?
Oh, no, he's...
he's very shy.
He doesn't like to have strangers
look at him.
Do you want the strange lady to see
you?
You don't? Oh, well, don't worry
about it. No.
No, no, it's perfectly all right.
No, I'll just tell her, that's all.
Forget about it.
He said no.
He talks?
Only the last couple of months.
If you ladies will give me the
babies' bottles,
I'll heat them.
Oh, fine, yes.
Thank you.
There you are.
Wouldn't you like me to warm your
baby's bottle?
Oh, well, he isn't hungry yet. Thank
you.
Well, then, let me keep it in the
refrigerator it for you.
Oh, okay... oh.
Uh... I didn't bring any.
You didn't bring any?
You didn't bring any?
Oh, well, I meant to, really.
I-I just forgot.
So, just skip it.
He can have one of mine.
Oh, no, I wouldn't think of it.
Thank you just the same.
I'll, I'll feed him when we get to
New York.
But we don't get there until
tomorrow.
Oh, well, it will do him good.
He's too fat anyway.
Please heat both bottles, Miss.
Thank you very much.
Oh, hi, dear.
Oh, is that your husband?
Yes.
Oh, pardon me, sir.
Wouldn't you like to sit next to your
wife?
I'd be glad to change seats with you.
Yes, come on, dear, sit here.
Not while you have that.
He can't stand children.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
Yes, it is,
especially when the baby looks
exactly like him.
Here we are.
Oh, good.
Oh, thank you.
You know, this is a wonderful
formula.
It's been in the family for years.
Is that so?
Mmm. Here we go, honey.
(clicking tongue)
Good baby.
Yes, you're a good baby.
Drink it all up.
That's a boy.
Down the hatch.
Now, here we go.
(chuckling)
He hates to drink alone.
What's in that formula?
Cod liver oil.
I... I think he's had enough.
Thank you very much.
Well he hasn't had any at all.
Oh, no, he's had plenty, really.
He wasn't very hungry.
Burp.
Burp.
Mrs. Ricardo?
Burp. Yes?
I've been checking my list
and there seems to be a mistake.
Oh?
I don't have a record of your baby on
our passenger list.
Oh, that. Well, I didn't mention it
because I-I didn't think it mattered
as long as babies travel for free.
Oh, but they don't on overseas
flights.
Oh.
We do charge, but we charge only ten
percent
of the regular fare for babies.
Oh.
You can pay for the baby when you get
to New York.
(whispering): Ethel, wake up.
Ethel, wake up.
Fred, Fred, stop. Don't pull all the
covers.
What's the matter?
Wake up. Huh, what?
What's the matter?
Complications.
Complications.
What's the matter?
They charge ten percent of the
regular fare for babies.
That's $30.
Oh, well, how much will it cost for
the cheese?
Fifty dollars.
Well, it's cheaper to have the cheese
be a baby
than have the baby be a cheese.
That's not the point.
Either way, Ricky will kill me.
But what are you gonna do, honey?
I'll be back.
Where are you going? Ooh...!
I'm going to the kitchen.
Okay.
Ethel, wake up.
What, what?
Move over.
What are we gonna do, Lucy?
What are we gonna do?
We're gonna eat it.
What?!
We're gonna eat the cheese.
You like cheese, don't you?
Oh, well, not enough to eat all of
that.
Oh, come on now.
Oh, Lucy, I couldn't eat 25 pounds of
cheese.
I-I polished off a wonderful meal.
I-I ate a-a nice, great, big steak
and-and some apricot pie...
Hey, stop talking and eat. Here.
Oh, Lucy, this is ridiculous.
Even I can't eat all of this.
Eat what you can.
We'll figure out what to do with the
rest later.
(contented sigh)
Where's your baby?
Huh?
Your baby-- where is he?
Oh, that.
(chuckling): Oh, I didn't have a
baby.
(laughing)
What do you mean, you didn't have a
baby?
I didn't.
I didn't have a baby.
It was a piece of cheese.
(screams)
Stewardess!
Mrs. Bigsby...
Stewardess!
Help!
Mrs. Bigsby...
What's the matter?
This woman's baby's disappeared
and now she claims she never had one.
No, no, no, no, no, no, that's not
true.
What's the matter?
I saw your baby.
No, you did not.
(all talking over each other)
I've been with this department a good
many years,
but I've never seen a case like this.
Now, Mrs. Bigsby claims that
Mrs. Ricardo had an object in her
arms,
and that that object was a baby.
I don't claim; I saw.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
You have no idea what you saw.
Mrs. Ricardo says it was not a baby.
So far, this is logical.
There's a difference of opinion.
One lady is right,
the other's wrong.
Yeah, well.
Mr. Ricardo, a celebrated and
seemingly rational man,
says that it looked like a baby,
but it was in reality a piece of
cheese.
That's right.
Yeah.
Now, Mrs. Ricardo,
I'm going to ask you once more:
Was there a baby?
No, sir.
Then whose is this?
Oh...
It's mine.
It's the latest thing from Paris.
Now, look, mister, mister...
the newsreel fellow is there.
He wants to take a picture of me and
my orchestra.
Oh, he does?
Yes, sir. Now, uh, you see,
th-they're getting awfully close to
the deadline.
Oh, they are?
Well, I thought you'd like to know.
Yeah.
I beg your pardon, sir, but I am
positive
Mrs. Ricardo was carrying a baby.
Oh, no you're not, you're not
positive about a thing.
Ma'am, please.
I saw the baby drinking the milk.
(shouting): Wait a minute!
Did you actually see the baby's face?
I most certainly.
RICKY: Oh, come now.
You couldn't miss It.
It looked just like him.
What do you mean, it looked just like
me?
You leave him out of it.
He had nothing to do with it.
It was a baby.
It was a piece of cheese.
Did you ever hear a piece of cheese
burp?
Oh...
Look, let me try to explain
this whole thing to you from the
beginning.
We were in Nice.
She wanted to bring this cheese to
her mother.
All right, now, I had been telling
her
she had too much luggage already.
So, she thought that babies travel
for free.
She took the cheese,
she put a blanket around it,
put the little bonnet on the cheese
and took it in the plane with her.
Well, didn't you think this was
rather strange behavior?
For Lucy? No.
You see, I intended to pay for the
cheese
the minute I got here.
Oh, you did?
I did.
That's right.
He told me he was.
RICKY: Sure.
Hey, Rick, we're gonna
miss out on those newsreels.
Yeah, get your instruments out...
You don't mind if they start
getting...
Well, yes, oh, all right, but just
one question.
Where is the cheese?
That's a good question.
Where is the cheese, honey?
Uh, where is the cheese?
Yes, where is the cheese?
ETHEL: We ate it.
You and Mrs. Ricardo ate 25 pounds of
cheese?
Oh, come now.
Oh, it's possible.
I've seen my wife sit down and polish
off a whole...
Oh, shut up.
Lucy, where is the cheese?
Well?
Well, I'm afraid to tell you.
I am not going to do anything to you.
You promise?
(shouting): I am not going to do...!
(wailing)
You scared me!
I'm sorry.
Look, I'll be glad to pay for the
cheese, honey.
Well, that's not what I'm afraid of.
Well, tell me what it is.
Pardon me, Mr. Ricardo.
Yes, sir.
We've just got two minutes
and I've got to get that shot.
All right. Would you excuse...
Let me take this, please.
It's very important.
Oh, go ahead.
We're working at the Roxy.
The one that you see...
Mr. Ricardo, right over here.
You stand right over here in front of
the band.
Yes, sir.
I'll ask you
if you're glad to be home
and you answer by playing "Home Sweet
Home."
Thank you.
Roll it, Vic.
All right, boys, "Home Sweet Home.
Everybody together.
Mr. Ricardo, how does it feel
to be back in the United States?
(silence)
What's the matter?
Oh, no!
CUSTOMS AGENT: So that's where you
hid the cheese!
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry
I didn't know it'd get all gooey and
everything like that.
You don't know how much trouble it
was
to get rid of that cheese.
I just had to get that cheese home to
my mother, honey.
Oh, all I could think of was to put
it in there.
I put it in the trombone-- that
wasn't bad--
but that piccolo... I thought I'd
never get it in the piccolo.
If you'd only had a tuba in the band,
I could've put the whole thing in the
tuba.
I'm terribly sorry, honey, but I
didn't know what else to do.
It'd have meant a lot to me to take
a...
You're laughing.
I thought you'd be angry.
What are you laughing at?
(laughing): It's so ridiculous.
The whole thing is so utterly
ridiculous.
It is? Yeah, I guess so.
It could only happen to you.
Yeah, little old silly me.
(exaggerated laugh)
You know something, Lucy?
What?
Being married to you is not easy.
No.
But it sure is a lot of fun.
Oh, honey!
Mmm...
Come on, let's go home and see the
baby, huh?
All right, honey.
(closing orchestral flourish playing)
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: The part of Evelyn Bigsby
was played by Mary Jane Croft,
the stewardess was Mildred Law,
the airline officer was Ray Kellogg,
the newsman was Bennett Green,
and the customs officer was Frank
Nelson.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same
time.