I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Passports - full transcript
Lucy won't be able to go to Europe if she can't find her birth certificate.
Hi, Lucy. What are you doing?
Hi. Ethel, I have a schedule of all
the places
the band's gonna play in Europe.
Really?
Our whole itinerary. Yeah?
Listen to this: London,
(gasps)
Paris, Venice, Holland...
...the Riviera, Oh!
Madrid.
Oh, my!
I can't believe we're really going.
Neither can I, but we're practically
on our way.
Mother said she'd stay with the baby
while we were gone.
Oh, aren't mothers wonderful?
Aw, they sure are.
She's taking an auto trip to New
England
with a chum of hers,
but she said she'd be here the day
before we leave.
She's so cute.
She said they had no idea where they
were going,
but when they came to an
intersection,
they were just gonna flip a coin.
Ah, your mother.
The coin won't be the only thing in
that car
that's flipped.
Hi.
Hi.
Ricky home yet?
Not yet, no.
What's that?
Fred!
What are you doing with our old
vaudeville trunk?
Well, as long as I'm Ricky's band
manager,
it's my job to save him some money.
So, I thought we could pack
some of the band uniforms in here.
Oh, but it's so old and beat-up,
and it's even got a hole in it!
"And it's even got a hole in it!"
I defy anyone to find that hole
with the naked eye.
I said the naked eye, not two bony
fingers.
Oh, he bought it from a man who had a
seal act.
LUCY: Oh, fine.
Hey, Fred, here's the schedule for
Europe. Look.
First we go to London, then Paris...
Ah, Paris.
Get ready, you cute mademoiselles.
Corporal Mertz is gonna make his
triumphant return.
Fred, you were there 35 years ago.
Yes, but I left a lasting impression.
By the way, where's that old uniform
of mine?
Now, you're not gonna try to put that
old thing on.
I just want to see it; it's full of
memories.
Hi, everybody.
Hi. Hi.
I got the boat tickets.
Oh, no kidding!
The boat tickets!
Now, all we got to do tomorrow
is get our pass-a-ports.
Yeah, that's all we got to do now is
get our "pass-a-ports."
Europe, here we come!
Look out, Mademoiselle from
Armentieres!
Honey, did you get my naturalization
papers?
Yeah, I got them out of the safe
deposit box this morning.
How about your birth certificate?
I wired the Jamestown Hall of
Records,
and they'll send it to me. Good.
I got mine.
Ethel?
Yep. I had to hunt for it,
but I finally found it.
Show it to them, honey.
No.
She doesn't want us to see the year.
Put your finger over the year.
Thought they might like to see
what Lincoln's signature looks like.
Oh, Fred!
(phone ringing)
Ha, ha!
He-he-he-hee.
The phone, honey.
Oh. Hello...
Hey, what's that trunk?
Oh, that's my old vaudeville trunk.
I thought we could pack the band
uniforms in there.
Hello?
Yes?
Oh, uh, just a minute, please.
Honey, it's a collect call for you
from Jamestown Hall of Records.
Oh, must be about my birth
certificate.
Hello? Yes, I'll take the call.
Hello?
But there must be some mistake.
Well, my maiden name was Lucille
McGillicuddy
and I was born in Jamestown.
Well, I'm positive.
Well, I don't understand.
Oh, well, you misunderstood me.
Yes, you're looking under the wrong
year.
Oh, yes, I was born in 19...
I was born in 19...
(mumbling)
(muffled): 19...
Look, you know the year you just
mentioned?
Well, it's three more years than
that.
No, no, no, not backwards, forwards.
Yeah, I'll hang on.
They were looking under the wrong
year.
Really, honey? What year were they
looking under?
19...
Oh, no, you don't.
Yes?
But there must be some mistake.
Well, I...
All right.
Thank you.
How do you like that?
What's the matter, honey?
They can't find my birth certificate.
There's no record.
Oh, there must be.
Well, there isn't.
If I'd known Jamestown
was gonna be that careless,
I'd have been born somewhere else.
Well, honey, you-you-you need
your birth certificate if you want to
get a passport.
Well, what do you want me to do?
They never heard of me.
Maybe you were never born.
I was, too.
ETHEL: Now, Fred.
I was only kidding her.
'Course you were born.
Well, you know it and I know it,
but as far as Jamestown is concerned,
the stork just dropped me and didn't
tell anybody.
Now, look, honey, why don't you call
your mother
and ask her about it?
(wailing)
What's the matter?
I don't know where my mother is.
The whole family's disappearing
right in front of our eyes.
Well, mother is on an auto trip up in
New England or someplace.
She won't be here until the day
before you leave.
I'm not going to get to go to Europe
at all!
Now, honey, let me see. I'll call the
pass-a-port office.
I got their number right here.
Bon voyage, everybody.
Now, now, Lucy, it can't be that bad.
You don't know what it's like to be
born a missing person.
Hello?
Pass-a-port office?
Look. I'd like some information,
please.
If you want to get a pass-a-port
and you can't find your bir'
certificate, what do you do?
Pass-a-port.
Bir' certificate.
Yes, yes, that's right.
Uh-huh. What is it?
You get an affidavit from an older
living blood relative.
Suppose you misplace your older
living blood relative?
Well, you don't know this family.
Oh? I see.
Oh, thank you very much.
Honey, all you got to is find two old
friends of your family
that remember who you were born
and get an affidavit from them.
Oh, that'll be easy.
I do know a lot of people in
Jamestown.
No, no. Wait a minute now.
That name sounded familiar.
No.
You still on the phone?
Who are you talking to?
The Jamestown Hall of Records.
Oh. Did you say Paul Jones?
No.
Richard Jones?
No.
Robert A. Jones?
Bob Jones, Bob Jones. No.
What are they doing, reading you the
whole directory?
Yes.
What?!
Ah, uh, Mrs. Mell, I'll call you
back.
You scared me.
Are you crazy or something?
That'll cost a fortune.
Well, I'm desperate.
I can't find a soul in Jamestown that
knew me when I was born.
Now, look, honey, wasn't there a
doctor there
when you were born?
Yes. I called Dr. Peterson,
but he's visiting here in New York.
His daughter said she tried
to get in touch with him and have him
call.
Well, there you are.
No, there I'm not.
Even if he does call--
there is a very good chance that he
won't--
I still need one more witness.
Well, you'll think of somebody, don't
worry.
If I could just think of
Helen Erickson's second husband's
name.
Helen Erickson?
Yeah. You don't know her.
She's a girl who used to live next
door to us.
She used to baby-sit me when my folks
wanted to go out.
Well...
Darn it. She lives here in New York
now, too.
Well, I got to go to the club, honey.
I'll see you later.
Her first husband's name was Sears.
You don't suppose her second
husband's name could be...
No, I guess that's impossible.
Hi, Rick.
Hi.
Bye.
Bye.
Lucy, has Fred been over here?
No.
Wonder where he is.
Well, did you get your witnesses?
No.
FRED: ...Parlez-vous
Mad'moiselle from Armentieres
Parlez-vous
Mad'moiselle from Armentieres
She ain't been kissed in 40 years
Hinky-dinky parlez-vous.
Fred, what are you doing in that?
I'm getting ready to burst upon Gay
Paree.
Well, that's sure the outfit for it.
So it needs a little letting out here
and there.
Now, don't make fun of us doughboys.
Dough boys?!
Whoever put the dough in that boy
used too much yeast.
It's a good thing that Kaiser didn't
see you in that outfit.
He never would have surrendered.
FRED: Is that so? Let me tell you
what...
That's it!
That's what?
That's Helen's last name-- Kaiser.
Helen married...
Sidney Kaiser.
What are you talking about?
Helen Kaiser is a girl who knew me
when I was a baby.
She can sign one of the affidavits.
Oh, that's great.
Okay, Corporal, back to your
barracks.
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!
Mad'moiselle from Armentieres
Parlez-vous
Mad'moiselle from Armentieres
Parlez-vous...
Honey, you think she'll remember you?
Sure. She was like a sister to me.
(contented sigh): Oh...
Hello? I'd like to speak to Helen
Kaiser, please.
Oh, hi, Helen!
This is Lucy Ricardo...
I mean, Lucille McGillicuddy from
Jamestown.
Lucille McGillicuddy.
Used to live next door to you?
Well, Helen, do you remember a little
skinny girl
with freckles and red hair?
Well, do you remember a little skinny
girl
with freckles and brown hair?
Well, you used to kid me about my
bloomers.
They were alway...
Yes! This is Droopy Drawers!
Hi! Yeah, yeah, it's been a long
time, hasn't it?
Well, I'll tell you why I called,
Helen.
You see we're going to Europe
and I can't find my birth
certificate,
so I have to have someone sign an
affidavit
saying they knew when and where I was
born.
Would you, Helen?
Oh, I'd appreciate it so much.
Could I come over now?
Oh, thank you. Okay, bye.
She's gonna do it.
I'm halfway to Europe.
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
Listen, I'll be gone about an hour.
Will you stay here until I get back?
Why? The baby's in nursery school,
isn't he?
In case Dr. Peterson calls.
I don't want to miss him.
Oh, okay.
Okay. Bye.
Good luck, Droopy Drawers.
Oh, come now!
Helen!
Droopy Drawers!
(laughing)
Oh, it's so good to see you.
You haven't changed a bit.
Neither have you...
(laughing): Well...
Ah, yeah, I know.
There have been a few color changes
here and there,
and I'm wearing better-fitting
bloomers.
(laughing)
Oh, what a lovely apartment.
Oh, thank you.
You know, Lucy, ever since you
called,
I've been thinking about the old days
when we used to live in Jamestown.
Those were the days, weren't they?
Yeah.
Lucy, do you remember the time
your baby buggy got away from me?
No.
Well... well, you were only about a
year old.
Oh, well, I guess that's why I don't
remember it.
Oh. (laughing)
Well, anyway, I was pushing your
buggy,
and I stopped for a minute to go into
a candy store.
And when I came out,
the buggy had rolled all the way down
the hill
and was out in the middle of the
street stopping traffic!
Oh, no!
It's a wonder we ever grew up, isn't
it?
Yes.
Well, Helen, I'd just love
to sit here all afternoon
talking over old times with you,
but I guess we'd better get this
affidavit signed.
Oh, it's okay.
I typed it all up,
and it just says that you knew my
family
for ages and ages
and you remember when I was born.
Oh, good.
And you sign on the bottom line
there.
Oh, fine.
I have a pen Oh, good.
right here.
LUCY: There you are.
Hi, honey.
Oh!
Hello, Sidney.
Oh...
Hey...
SIDNEY: Mmm...
Darling, I want you to meet
an old friend of mine, Lucy Ricardo.
This is Sidney.
Hello, Sidney.
Very nice to meet you.
Nice to know you, Lucy.
Lucy and I grew up together in
Jamestown,
and she came over to have me sign an
affidavit for her.
Yes, I'm going to Europe.
Well, it's the silliest thing.
For some reason or other,
there is just no record of my being
born in Jamestown,
so I can't get my birth certificate.
So, I have to have Helen swear
that she remembers when I was born so
I can get my passport.
You sign on the bottom line there,
dear.
Okay.
Well, now, wait a minute, Helen.
You can't sign an affidavit just like
that.
Well, why not?
Yeah, why not?
Well, an affidavit is sworn
testimony.
It's... it's testimony taken under
oath.
That'd have to be witnessed by a
notary public.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, I'll go get a notary public.
Oh, no, no, no, that won't be
necessary.
Helen and I can take it down to my
office.
We'll have it notarized tomorrow and
mail it to you.
Yeah, Sidney is an attorney.
Well, how convenient having one right
in the family!
They sure come in handy, don't they?
Honey?
Yes?
You can't sign this at all.
I can't?
Says here, Lucy, you were born in
1921.
That's right.
(chuckling): Ah, honey,
you always were poor in arithmetic.
How old are you?
29.
(Sidney chuckling)
You'd have to have a pretty good
memory.
You weren't even born until 1927.
Oh. Oh, that's right!
But, Helen...
Oh, I thought that said 1931.
Helen?
Yes, dear?
I... I don't want to contradict you
in front of Sidney,
and I don't know how you did it
if you were just born 29 years ago,
but you were there when I was born.
Lucy, that's impossible.
But, uh, well, what about the baby
buggy?
Who was pushing whom?
Oh, oh, Daddy, you know, Lucy was a
regular little mother.
She used to push me around when...
(with baby talk): She pushed me
around
when I was just a eensy-weensy little
baby in a buggy.
Ew!
Well, Lucy, it must be great
for you two to see each other again.
Tell me, has Helen changed much since
she was a little child?
Not a bit.
She just never seems to get any
older.
I know what you mean.
Ever since we've been married,
she seems to be growing younger every
day.
Yeah, I guess it's the marriage that
did it.
You've no idea how much younger she's
grown
just since you walked into the room.
Lucy, we don't want to keep you.
If you want to run along...
Look, Helen, I really need this
affidavit.
So, don't you think maybe you could
sign it
just for the sake of all those years
that I baby-sat with you?
But that'd be perjury.
Lucy, you wouldn't want Helen to lie,
would you?
Oh, heaven forbid!
Lucy, I hope you have a nice time in
Europe.
It was awfully nice to have met you,
Lucy.
Yeah. Thanks.
And maybe we'll see you soon?
Oh, yes, you must come over for
dinner sometime
and bring your mother.
Hi, honey, Dr. Peterson called, and
he's coming right over.
Swell.
What's the matter?
I'll still need another witness.
Why? What happened with Helen Kaiser?
Helen Kaiser is a dirty rat.
She wouldn't sign the affidavit.
Her husband walked into the room
and suddenly she became younger than
I am.
She wouldn't admit her real age.
You're kidding.
How do you like that?
Oh, dear. What are you gonna do now?
Well, I'll tell you one thing I'm not
going to do.
I'm not going to let you three trot
off to Europe without me
even if I have to stowaway.
Oh, Lucy...
You know, this is about the right
size at that.
Oh, now, Lucy, not in that trunk!
Why not?
Well, how could you breathe?
There's a hole in it.
Yes, and it matches the one in your
head.
Listen, if a seal could live in here,
I can.
Oh, dear.
I'm just gonna try it on for size.
Oh, Lucy, this is absolutely
ridiculous!
It's a nice thing to sort of have
around
in case I can't get...
Oh, honey...
Now!
I'm just gonna see if I fit in here.
See? I fit like a glove.
Yeah, but if the trunk was closed,
you wouldn't last two minutes.
Oh, I would, too.
Go ahead, close it.
I'll show you.
Okay, but just to convince you.
Ethel, now, let me get my skirt out
of the way.
Got it?
Yep.
Okay.
How's that?
(Lucy imitating seal barking)
Oh, come on now, it's awful, isn't
it?
No, it's very cozy in here.
Cozy.
It is! It's quite comfortable.
We should all go to Europe this way
and save the fare.
Sure, if you could get a whole bunch
of...
Ethel, let me out of here.
I thought so.
Hey, it's locked.
Wasn't there a key?
Sure, there's a key.
I got it.
I got it?!
Oh, now, don't get nervous, honey.
Just poke it out through the hole
and get you right out of there.
Oh, okay.
Oh. Oh!
What's the matter?
Ethel, th-the key's in my pocket
and I can't move my arms!
What?!
My arms are pinned down to my side!
Oh, Lucy, only you would get yourself
locked in a trunk
with the key in your pocket.
Oh, well, don't scold me.
I got to get out of here.
I don't want Ricky to come over
and find out that I planned to
stowaway.
Go get Fred.
Okay, honey.
Hurry up.
All right, I'll hurry.
Now you wait right there!
All right, I'll do that!
Oh, uh...
(shouting): Hello, Ricky!
Hi, Ethel.
What's the matter?
Oh, uh, uh, uh... you just startled
me, that's all.
Where's Lucy?
(stammering): Uh, uh, uh....
Why?
Why?
Well, I'm married to her and I live
here.
When I come home, I like to know
where she is, you know.
Oh, of course you do.
Well, you know Lucy.
She's just liable to be anywhere.
(forced laughter)
?Que pasa con ella?
I don't know.
Oye quiero ensenar la parte otra mas
del drum.
Si.
You need the music?
No, no.
No?
La... la parte es del final...
La parte, si.
La parte. All right.
All right. Si.
Hey, I'll try here on this thing. Go
ahead.
Magnifique.
(playing upbeat music)
That's good.
Now let's do double tempo here, you
know.
Double tempo, huh.
Double tempo.
That's good. Now the very end of
that.
(imitating rapid drumbeat)
You know?
Here we go.
(playing up-tempo music)
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Now, that's the tempo we should do.
How's that?
Hey, this trunk has a pretty good
tone.
Bueno Desi que yo...
tengo que ir.
?Tiene que ir?
Va entrar el tiempo...
Well, yo voy contigo ahi al subway.
Tengo que comprar un evening paper.
Oh, I thought they'd never leave.
Lucy, I can't find Fred anywhere.
Lucy?
Lucy, are you all right?
Somebody talking to me?
Are you all right?
Huh?
Are you all right?
I can't hear a thing.
Ricky just beat out
a concerto for piano and trunk.
Oh, I heard it, you poor little
thing.
(Doorbell buzzing)
Don't bother.
I'll get it.
Yes?
Lucille McGillicuddy!
My gosh, I'd know you anywhere.
Oh, no, I'm not Lucille.
I'm Ethel Mertz.
(chuckling): Oh, I don't have my
glasses on.
Oh, you must be Dr. Peterson.
Yep.
Hello, Doc.
(gasps)
Who said that?
Lucy. She's in the trunk.
Oh, hello, hello.
Hello.
Ethel, go get a notary public.
Where'll I get a notary public?
At the bank.
Okay.
Whup-up-up-up-up.
I couldn't sign anything until I'm
sure
that she's really Lucille...
McGillicuddy.
Oh, no, I am, Dr. Peterson.
I am. I'm Lucille McGillicuddy.
Well, I don't know.
Uh, I thought she was you at first.
Oh, no, now, you could see her.
There's a hole right there in the
trunk.
You look right through there,
you can see that that's Lucy.
Well, I'll take a look.
Hi.
I can't tell a thing.
Oh, now, wait a minute, Doc.
Wait a minute.
Here's one of my eyes.
Here's my other eye.
Here's my nose.
Here's my mouth.
Put them all together
and they spell Lucille McGillicuddy.
All that is is an eye, an eye, a nose
and a mouth.
I've seen so many.
Oh...
Well, I know.
Listen, Doc, I-I was bitten by a cat
once on my ear
and-and you took some stitches in it,
remember?
Oh, yep, yep, yep, yep, that I
remember.
It was Fred Bigelow's cat.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, look, maybe you can see the
scar.
Ah... wait a minute.
Scar or no scar, you couldn't be
Lucille McGillicuddy.
She had brown hair.
Look at the roots-- the roots!
Oh, never mind, Ethel.
It's no use.
I'm never gonna get out of this trunk
as long as I live.
(crying)
Don't cry, honey.
It won't do any good.
Goodness, no, don't cry.
Ethel, I need a handkerchief.
Oh, all right, honey.
Here. (wailing)
Aw, let me have your nose.
Thank you.
Well, now,
will you please go get Fred?
Well, I'll try to find him again.
I'll be right back, Dr. Peterson.
Hurry up.
Hey, young lady?
I just remembered What?
how you can absolutely identify
yourself for me.
How?
Well, when you was a little girl,
I taught you a song we sang together.
Do you remember?
Yes. Yes, I do!
Well, if you can sing that song all
the way through with me,
like you used to, you must be Lucille
McGillicuddy.
Oh, I-I-I can. Just let me think a
minute.
Oh... um... uh...
Oh, yeah. Uh...
(clears throat)
Flies in the buttermilk, shoo, fly,
shoo
Flies in the buttermilk shoo, fly,
shoo
Flies in the buttermilk shoo, fly,
shoo
Skip to the Lou
...Lou, my darling My darling
Flies in the sugar bowl, shoo, fly,
shoo
Flies in the sugar bowl, shoo, fly,
shoo
Flies in the sugar bowl, shoo, fly,
shoo
Skip to my Lou, my darling!
(scatting)
LUCY AND PETERSON: Skip to my Lou, my
darling!
I got a red bird, a pretty one, too
I got a red bird, a pretty one, too
I got a red bird, a pretty one, too
LUCY AND PETERSON: Skip to my Lou, my
darling!
(scatting)
What's going on here?
I'm locked in the trunk, honey.
This is Dr. Peterson from Jamestown.
How do...
how do you do?
How do you do?
I'm the doctor who brought your wife
into the world.
Oh, you are. Well, I don't know
whether
to thank you or punch you in the
nose.
Lucy, what are you doing in that
trunk?
Oh, just packing a few things.
ETHEL: Come on, Fred, hurry up.
She's been in here so long, I got...
Fred, hurry up.
Fred, hurry up.
Well, now, wait a minute.
What do you mean, wait a minute?
Well, maybe we can do this
without damaging the trunk.
ETHEL: Oh, Ricky, help him.
She was in there when you were
beating on the top.
Oh, hurry up.
Wait a minute.
Hurry up.
Look out for your hand, Fred.
Is it coming?
Is it coming?
Yes.
ETHEL: Oh, are you all right, honey?
Are you all right?
There you go.
Got it.
RICKY: Okay.
There you go.
Oh, honey!
Are you all right?
Oh, was it awful?
Well, it's a nice place to visit--
I wouldn't want to live there.
Hiya, Doc.
Lucy McGillicuddy!
I thought you'd be bigger by now.
RICKY: Will somebody mind telling me
what's going on here?
Why? You'll never believe it.
Well, now... I...
Whoa.
Thanks, Doc.
I, uh...
I just figured maybe
I'd have to stowaway if I want to get
to Europe,
and I... I knew that a seal could
live in there,
so I supposed maybe I could,
and when I tried it on for size, I
got locked in it.
What makes you think I wouldn't
believe that?
Oh, Doc, have you any idea why there
is no record
of my being born in Jamestown?
Jamestown? You weren't born in
Jamestown.
What?
You were born in West Jamestown.
(doorbell buzzing)
Oh...
West Jamestown!
West Jamestown!
Oh, for heaven's sake.
You don't know what I've gone
through.
I didn't even know there was a West
Jamestown.
Honey, it's a special delivery letter
there for you.
H-Honestly, Doc, you don't know
How do you like that?
what we've gone through.
We've been calling the Hall of
Records for one solid...
Oh, it's from Mother.
What'd she say?
"We had car trouble and got stuck
overnight
"in West Jamestown, so I picked this
up.
Hope you can use it."
What is it?
My birth certificate!
Oh...
Oh!
Oh...
West Jamestown.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: Dr. Peterson was played by
Sam Hearn,
Helen Kaiser was played by Sheila
Bromley
and Sidney Kaiser by Robert Forrest.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same
time.
Hi. Ethel, I have a schedule of all
the places
the band's gonna play in Europe.
Really?
Our whole itinerary. Yeah?
Listen to this: London,
(gasps)
Paris, Venice, Holland...
...the Riviera, Oh!
Madrid.
Oh, my!
I can't believe we're really going.
Neither can I, but we're practically
on our way.
Mother said she'd stay with the baby
while we were gone.
Oh, aren't mothers wonderful?
Aw, they sure are.
She's taking an auto trip to New
England
with a chum of hers,
but she said she'd be here the day
before we leave.
She's so cute.
She said they had no idea where they
were going,
but when they came to an
intersection,
they were just gonna flip a coin.
Ah, your mother.
The coin won't be the only thing in
that car
that's flipped.
Hi.
Hi.
Ricky home yet?
Not yet, no.
What's that?
Fred!
What are you doing with our old
vaudeville trunk?
Well, as long as I'm Ricky's band
manager,
it's my job to save him some money.
So, I thought we could pack
some of the band uniforms in here.
Oh, but it's so old and beat-up,
and it's even got a hole in it!
"And it's even got a hole in it!"
I defy anyone to find that hole
with the naked eye.
I said the naked eye, not two bony
fingers.
Oh, he bought it from a man who had a
seal act.
LUCY: Oh, fine.
Hey, Fred, here's the schedule for
Europe. Look.
First we go to London, then Paris...
Ah, Paris.
Get ready, you cute mademoiselles.
Corporal Mertz is gonna make his
triumphant return.
Fred, you were there 35 years ago.
Yes, but I left a lasting impression.
By the way, where's that old uniform
of mine?
Now, you're not gonna try to put that
old thing on.
I just want to see it; it's full of
memories.
Hi, everybody.
Hi. Hi.
I got the boat tickets.
Oh, no kidding!
The boat tickets!
Now, all we got to do tomorrow
is get our pass-a-ports.
Yeah, that's all we got to do now is
get our "pass-a-ports."
Europe, here we come!
Look out, Mademoiselle from
Armentieres!
Honey, did you get my naturalization
papers?
Yeah, I got them out of the safe
deposit box this morning.
How about your birth certificate?
I wired the Jamestown Hall of
Records,
and they'll send it to me. Good.
I got mine.
Ethel?
Yep. I had to hunt for it,
but I finally found it.
Show it to them, honey.
No.
She doesn't want us to see the year.
Put your finger over the year.
Thought they might like to see
what Lincoln's signature looks like.
Oh, Fred!
(phone ringing)
Ha, ha!
He-he-he-hee.
The phone, honey.
Oh. Hello...
Hey, what's that trunk?
Oh, that's my old vaudeville trunk.
I thought we could pack the band
uniforms in there.
Hello?
Yes?
Oh, uh, just a minute, please.
Honey, it's a collect call for you
from Jamestown Hall of Records.
Oh, must be about my birth
certificate.
Hello? Yes, I'll take the call.
Hello?
But there must be some mistake.
Well, my maiden name was Lucille
McGillicuddy
and I was born in Jamestown.
Well, I'm positive.
Well, I don't understand.
Oh, well, you misunderstood me.
Yes, you're looking under the wrong
year.
Oh, yes, I was born in 19...
I was born in 19...
(mumbling)
(muffled): 19...
Look, you know the year you just
mentioned?
Well, it's three more years than
that.
No, no, no, not backwards, forwards.
Yeah, I'll hang on.
They were looking under the wrong
year.
Really, honey? What year were they
looking under?
19...
Oh, no, you don't.
Yes?
But there must be some mistake.
Well, I...
All right.
Thank you.
How do you like that?
What's the matter, honey?
They can't find my birth certificate.
There's no record.
Oh, there must be.
Well, there isn't.
If I'd known Jamestown
was gonna be that careless,
I'd have been born somewhere else.
Well, honey, you-you-you need
your birth certificate if you want to
get a passport.
Well, what do you want me to do?
They never heard of me.
Maybe you were never born.
I was, too.
ETHEL: Now, Fred.
I was only kidding her.
'Course you were born.
Well, you know it and I know it,
but as far as Jamestown is concerned,
the stork just dropped me and didn't
tell anybody.
Now, look, honey, why don't you call
your mother
and ask her about it?
(wailing)
What's the matter?
I don't know where my mother is.
The whole family's disappearing
right in front of our eyes.
Well, mother is on an auto trip up in
New England or someplace.
She won't be here until the day
before you leave.
I'm not going to get to go to Europe
at all!
Now, honey, let me see. I'll call the
pass-a-port office.
I got their number right here.
Bon voyage, everybody.
Now, now, Lucy, it can't be that bad.
You don't know what it's like to be
born a missing person.
Hello?
Pass-a-port office?
Look. I'd like some information,
please.
If you want to get a pass-a-port
and you can't find your bir'
certificate, what do you do?
Pass-a-port.
Bir' certificate.
Yes, yes, that's right.
Uh-huh. What is it?
You get an affidavit from an older
living blood relative.
Suppose you misplace your older
living blood relative?
Well, you don't know this family.
Oh? I see.
Oh, thank you very much.
Honey, all you got to is find two old
friends of your family
that remember who you were born
and get an affidavit from them.
Oh, that'll be easy.
I do know a lot of people in
Jamestown.
No, no. Wait a minute now.
That name sounded familiar.
No.
You still on the phone?
Who are you talking to?
The Jamestown Hall of Records.
Oh. Did you say Paul Jones?
No.
Richard Jones?
No.
Robert A. Jones?
Bob Jones, Bob Jones. No.
What are they doing, reading you the
whole directory?
Yes.
What?!
Ah, uh, Mrs. Mell, I'll call you
back.
You scared me.
Are you crazy or something?
That'll cost a fortune.
Well, I'm desperate.
I can't find a soul in Jamestown that
knew me when I was born.
Now, look, honey, wasn't there a
doctor there
when you were born?
Yes. I called Dr. Peterson,
but he's visiting here in New York.
His daughter said she tried
to get in touch with him and have him
call.
Well, there you are.
No, there I'm not.
Even if he does call--
there is a very good chance that he
won't--
I still need one more witness.
Well, you'll think of somebody, don't
worry.
If I could just think of
Helen Erickson's second husband's
name.
Helen Erickson?
Yeah. You don't know her.
She's a girl who used to live next
door to us.
She used to baby-sit me when my folks
wanted to go out.
Well...
Darn it. She lives here in New York
now, too.
Well, I got to go to the club, honey.
I'll see you later.
Her first husband's name was Sears.
You don't suppose her second
husband's name could be...
No, I guess that's impossible.
Hi, Rick.
Hi.
Bye.
Bye.
Lucy, has Fred been over here?
No.
Wonder where he is.
Well, did you get your witnesses?
No.
FRED: ...Parlez-vous
Mad'moiselle from Armentieres
Parlez-vous
Mad'moiselle from Armentieres
She ain't been kissed in 40 years
Hinky-dinky parlez-vous.
Fred, what are you doing in that?
I'm getting ready to burst upon Gay
Paree.
Well, that's sure the outfit for it.
So it needs a little letting out here
and there.
Now, don't make fun of us doughboys.
Dough boys?!
Whoever put the dough in that boy
used too much yeast.
It's a good thing that Kaiser didn't
see you in that outfit.
He never would have surrendered.
FRED: Is that so? Let me tell you
what...
That's it!
That's what?
That's Helen's last name-- Kaiser.
Helen married...
Sidney Kaiser.
What are you talking about?
Helen Kaiser is a girl who knew me
when I was a baby.
She can sign one of the affidavits.
Oh, that's great.
Okay, Corporal, back to your
barracks.
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!
Hut, two, three, four!
Mad'moiselle from Armentieres
Parlez-vous
Mad'moiselle from Armentieres
Parlez-vous...
Honey, you think she'll remember you?
Sure. She was like a sister to me.
(contented sigh): Oh...
Hello? I'd like to speak to Helen
Kaiser, please.
Oh, hi, Helen!
This is Lucy Ricardo...
I mean, Lucille McGillicuddy from
Jamestown.
Lucille McGillicuddy.
Used to live next door to you?
Well, Helen, do you remember a little
skinny girl
with freckles and red hair?
Well, do you remember a little skinny
girl
with freckles and brown hair?
Well, you used to kid me about my
bloomers.
They were alway...
Yes! This is Droopy Drawers!
Hi! Yeah, yeah, it's been a long
time, hasn't it?
Well, I'll tell you why I called,
Helen.
You see we're going to Europe
and I can't find my birth
certificate,
so I have to have someone sign an
affidavit
saying they knew when and where I was
born.
Would you, Helen?
Oh, I'd appreciate it so much.
Could I come over now?
Oh, thank you. Okay, bye.
She's gonna do it.
I'm halfway to Europe.
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
Listen, I'll be gone about an hour.
Will you stay here until I get back?
Why? The baby's in nursery school,
isn't he?
In case Dr. Peterson calls.
I don't want to miss him.
Oh, okay.
Okay. Bye.
Good luck, Droopy Drawers.
Oh, come now!
Helen!
Droopy Drawers!
(laughing)
Oh, it's so good to see you.
You haven't changed a bit.
Neither have you...
(laughing): Well...
Ah, yeah, I know.
There have been a few color changes
here and there,
and I'm wearing better-fitting
bloomers.
(laughing)
Oh, what a lovely apartment.
Oh, thank you.
You know, Lucy, ever since you
called,
I've been thinking about the old days
when we used to live in Jamestown.
Those were the days, weren't they?
Yeah.
Lucy, do you remember the time
your baby buggy got away from me?
No.
Well... well, you were only about a
year old.
Oh, well, I guess that's why I don't
remember it.
Oh. (laughing)
Well, anyway, I was pushing your
buggy,
and I stopped for a minute to go into
a candy store.
And when I came out,
the buggy had rolled all the way down
the hill
and was out in the middle of the
street stopping traffic!
Oh, no!
It's a wonder we ever grew up, isn't
it?
Yes.
Well, Helen, I'd just love
to sit here all afternoon
talking over old times with you,
but I guess we'd better get this
affidavit signed.
Oh, it's okay.
I typed it all up,
and it just says that you knew my
family
for ages and ages
and you remember when I was born.
Oh, good.
And you sign on the bottom line
there.
Oh, fine.
I have a pen Oh, good.
right here.
LUCY: There you are.
Hi, honey.
Oh!
Hello, Sidney.
Oh...
Hey...
SIDNEY: Mmm...
Darling, I want you to meet
an old friend of mine, Lucy Ricardo.
This is Sidney.
Hello, Sidney.
Very nice to meet you.
Nice to know you, Lucy.
Lucy and I grew up together in
Jamestown,
and she came over to have me sign an
affidavit for her.
Yes, I'm going to Europe.
Well, it's the silliest thing.
For some reason or other,
there is just no record of my being
born in Jamestown,
so I can't get my birth certificate.
So, I have to have Helen swear
that she remembers when I was born so
I can get my passport.
You sign on the bottom line there,
dear.
Okay.
Well, now, wait a minute, Helen.
You can't sign an affidavit just like
that.
Well, why not?
Yeah, why not?
Well, an affidavit is sworn
testimony.
It's... it's testimony taken under
oath.
That'd have to be witnessed by a
notary public.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, I'll go get a notary public.
Oh, no, no, no, that won't be
necessary.
Helen and I can take it down to my
office.
We'll have it notarized tomorrow and
mail it to you.
Yeah, Sidney is an attorney.
Well, how convenient having one right
in the family!
They sure come in handy, don't they?
Honey?
Yes?
You can't sign this at all.
I can't?
Says here, Lucy, you were born in
1921.
That's right.
(chuckling): Ah, honey,
you always were poor in arithmetic.
How old are you?
29.
(Sidney chuckling)
You'd have to have a pretty good
memory.
You weren't even born until 1927.
Oh. Oh, that's right!
But, Helen...
Oh, I thought that said 1931.
Helen?
Yes, dear?
I... I don't want to contradict you
in front of Sidney,
and I don't know how you did it
if you were just born 29 years ago,
but you were there when I was born.
Lucy, that's impossible.
But, uh, well, what about the baby
buggy?
Who was pushing whom?
Oh, oh, Daddy, you know, Lucy was a
regular little mother.
She used to push me around when...
(with baby talk): She pushed me
around
when I was just a eensy-weensy little
baby in a buggy.
Ew!
Well, Lucy, it must be great
for you two to see each other again.
Tell me, has Helen changed much since
she was a little child?
Not a bit.
She just never seems to get any
older.
I know what you mean.
Ever since we've been married,
she seems to be growing younger every
day.
Yeah, I guess it's the marriage that
did it.
You've no idea how much younger she's
grown
just since you walked into the room.
Lucy, we don't want to keep you.
If you want to run along...
Look, Helen, I really need this
affidavit.
So, don't you think maybe you could
sign it
just for the sake of all those years
that I baby-sat with you?
But that'd be perjury.
Lucy, you wouldn't want Helen to lie,
would you?
Oh, heaven forbid!
Lucy, I hope you have a nice time in
Europe.
It was awfully nice to have met you,
Lucy.
Yeah. Thanks.
And maybe we'll see you soon?
Oh, yes, you must come over for
dinner sometime
and bring your mother.
Hi, honey, Dr. Peterson called, and
he's coming right over.
Swell.
What's the matter?
I'll still need another witness.
Why? What happened with Helen Kaiser?
Helen Kaiser is a dirty rat.
She wouldn't sign the affidavit.
Her husband walked into the room
and suddenly she became younger than
I am.
She wouldn't admit her real age.
You're kidding.
How do you like that?
Oh, dear. What are you gonna do now?
Well, I'll tell you one thing I'm not
going to do.
I'm not going to let you three trot
off to Europe without me
even if I have to stowaway.
Oh, Lucy...
You know, this is about the right
size at that.
Oh, now, Lucy, not in that trunk!
Why not?
Well, how could you breathe?
There's a hole in it.
Yes, and it matches the one in your
head.
Listen, if a seal could live in here,
I can.
Oh, dear.
I'm just gonna try it on for size.
Oh, Lucy, this is absolutely
ridiculous!
It's a nice thing to sort of have
around
in case I can't get...
Oh, honey...
Now!
I'm just gonna see if I fit in here.
See? I fit like a glove.
Yeah, but if the trunk was closed,
you wouldn't last two minutes.
Oh, I would, too.
Go ahead, close it.
I'll show you.
Okay, but just to convince you.
Ethel, now, let me get my skirt out
of the way.
Got it?
Yep.
Okay.
How's that?
(Lucy imitating seal barking)
Oh, come on now, it's awful, isn't
it?
No, it's very cozy in here.
Cozy.
It is! It's quite comfortable.
We should all go to Europe this way
and save the fare.
Sure, if you could get a whole bunch
of...
Ethel, let me out of here.
I thought so.
Hey, it's locked.
Wasn't there a key?
Sure, there's a key.
I got it.
I got it?!
Oh, now, don't get nervous, honey.
Just poke it out through the hole
and get you right out of there.
Oh, okay.
Oh. Oh!
What's the matter?
Ethel, th-the key's in my pocket
and I can't move my arms!
What?!
My arms are pinned down to my side!
Oh, Lucy, only you would get yourself
locked in a trunk
with the key in your pocket.
Oh, well, don't scold me.
I got to get out of here.
I don't want Ricky to come over
and find out that I planned to
stowaway.
Go get Fred.
Okay, honey.
Hurry up.
All right, I'll hurry.
Now you wait right there!
All right, I'll do that!
Oh, uh...
(shouting): Hello, Ricky!
Hi, Ethel.
What's the matter?
Oh, uh, uh, uh... you just startled
me, that's all.
Where's Lucy?
(stammering): Uh, uh, uh....
Why?
Why?
Well, I'm married to her and I live
here.
When I come home, I like to know
where she is, you know.
Oh, of course you do.
Well, you know Lucy.
She's just liable to be anywhere.
(forced laughter)
?Que pasa con ella?
I don't know.
Oye quiero ensenar la parte otra mas
del drum.
Si.
You need the music?
No, no.
No?
La... la parte es del final...
La parte, si.
La parte. All right.
All right. Si.
Hey, I'll try here on this thing. Go
ahead.
Magnifique.
(playing upbeat music)
That's good.
Now let's do double tempo here, you
know.
Double tempo, huh.
Double tempo.
That's good. Now the very end of
that.
(imitating rapid drumbeat)
You know?
Here we go.
(playing up-tempo music)
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Now, that's the tempo we should do.
How's that?
Hey, this trunk has a pretty good
tone.
Bueno Desi que yo...
tengo que ir.
?Tiene que ir?
Va entrar el tiempo...
Well, yo voy contigo ahi al subway.
Tengo que comprar un evening paper.
Oh, I thought they'd never leave.
Lucy, I can't find Fred anywhere.
Lucy?
Lucy, are you all right?
Somebody talking to me?
Are you all right?
Huh?
Are you all right?
I can't hear a thing.
Ricky just beat out
a concerto for piano and trunk.
Oh, I heard it, you poor little
thing.
(Doorbell buzzing)
Don't bother.
I'll get it.
Yes?
Lucille McGillicuddy!
My gosh, I'd know you anywhere.
Oh, no, I'm not Lucille.
I'm Ethel Mertz.
(chuckling): Oh, I don't have my
glasses on.
Oh, you must be Dr. Peterson.
Yep.
Hello, Doc.
(gasps)
Who said that?
Lucy. She's in the trunk.
Oh, hello, hello.
Hello.
Ethel, go get a notary public.
Where'll I get a notary public?
At the bank.
Okay.
Whup-up-up-up-up.
I couldn't sign anything until I'm
sure
that she's really Lucille...
McGillicuddy.
Oh, no, I am, Dr. Peterson.
I am. I'm Lucille McGillicuddy.
Well, I don't know.
Uh, I thought she was you at first.
Oh, no, now, you could see her.
There's a hole right there in the
trunk.
You look right through there,
you can see that that's Lucy.
Well, I'll take a look.
Hi.
I can't tell a thing.
Oh, now, wait a minute, Doc.
Wait a minute.
Here's one of my eyes.
Here's my other eye.
Here's my nose.
Here's my mouth.
Put them all together
and they spell Lucille McGillicuddy.
All that is is an eye, an eye, a nose
and a mouth.
I've seen so many.
Oh...
Well, I know.
Listen, Doc, I-I was bitten by a cat
once on my ear
and-and you took some stitches in it,
remember?
Oh, yep, yep, yep, yep, that I
remember.
It was Fred Bigelow's cat.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, look, maybe you can see the
scar.
Ah... wait a minute.
Scar or no scar, you couldn't be
Lucille McGillicuddy.
She had brown hair.
Look at the roots-- the roots!
Oh, never mind, Ethel.
It's no use.
I'm never gonna get out of this trunk
as long as I live.
(crying)
Don't cry, honey.
It won't do any good.
Goodness, no, don't cry.
Ethel, I need a handkerchief.
Oh, all right, honey.
Here. (wailing)
Aw, let me have your nose.
Thank you.
Well, now,
will you please go get Fred?
Well, I'll try to find him again.
I'll be right back, Dr. Peterson.
Hurry up.
Hey, young lady?
I just remembered What?
how you can absolutely identify
yourself for me.
How?
Well, when you was a little girl,
I taught you a song we sang together.
Do you remember?
Yes. Yes, I do!
Well, if you can sing that song all
the way through with me,
like you used to, you must be Lucille
McGillicuddy.
Oh, I-I-I can. Just let me think a
minute.
Oh... um... uh...
Oh, yeah. Uh...
(clears throat)
Flies in the buttermilk, shoo, fly,
shoo
Flies in the buttermilk shoo, fly,
shoo
Flies in the buttermilk shoo, fly,
shoo
Skip to the Lou
...Lou, my darling My darling
Flies in the sugar bowl, shoo, fly,
shoo
Flies in the sugar bowl, shoo, fly,
shoo
Flies in the sugar bowl, shoo, fly,
shoo
Skip to my Lou, my darling!
(scatting)
LUCY AND PETERSON: Skip to my Lou, my
darling!
I got a red bird, a pretty one, too
I got a red bird, a pretty one, too
I got a red bird, a pretty one, too
LUCY AND PETERSON: Skip to my Lou, my
darling!
(scatting)
What's going on here?
I'm locked in the trunk, honey.
This is Dr. Peterson from Jamestown.
How do...
how do you do?
How do you do?
I'm the doctor who brought your wife
into the world.
Oh, you are. Well, I don't know
whether
to thank you or punch you in the
nose.
Lucy, what are you doing in that
trunk?
Oh, just packing a few things.
ETHEL: Come on, Fred, hurry up.
She's been in here so long, I got...
Fred, hurry up.
Fred, hurry up.
Well, now, wait a minute.
What do you mean, wait a minute?
Well, maybe we can do this
without damaging the trunk.
ETHEL: Oh, Ricky, help him.
She was in there when you were
beating on the top.
Oh, hurry up.
Wait a minute.
Hurry up.
Look out for your hand, Fred.
Is it coming?
Is it coming?
Yes.
ETHEL: Oh, are you all right, honey?
Are you all right?
There you go.
Got it.
RICKY: Okay.
There you go.
Oh, honey!
Are you all right?
Oh, was it awful?
Well, it's a nice place to visit--
I wouldn't want to live there.
Hiya, Doc.
Lucy McGillicuddy!
I thought you'd be bigger by now.
RICKY: Will somebody mind telling me
what's going on here?
Why? You'll never believe it.
Well, now... I...
Whoa.
Thanks, Doc.
I, uh...
I just figured maybe
I'd have to stowaway if I want to get
to Europe,
and I... I knew that a seal could
live in there,
so I supposed maybe I could,
and when I tried it on for size, I
got locked in it.
What makes you think I wouldn't
believe that?
Oh, Doc, have you any idea why there
is no record
of my being born in Jamestown?
Jamestown? You weren't born in
Jamestown.
What?
You were born in West Jamestown.
(doorbell buzzing)
Oh...
West Jamestown!
West Jamestown!
Oh, for heaven's sake.
You don't know what I've gone
through.
I didn't even know there was a West
Jamestown.
Honey, it's a special delivery letter
there for you.
H-Honestly, Doc, you don't know
How do you like that?
what we've gone through.
We've been calling the Hall of
Records for one solid...
Oh, it's from Mother.
What'd she say?
"We had car trouble and got stuck
overnight
"in West Jamestown, so I picked this
up.
Hope you can use it."
What is it?
My birth certificate!
Oh...
Oh!
Oh...
West Jamestown.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: Dr. Peterson was played by
Sam Hearn,
Helen Kaiser was played by Sheila
Bromley
and Sidney Kaiser by Robert Forrest.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at this same
time.