I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 5, Episode 12 - Staten Island Ferry - full transcript
The girls seek a cure for Fred's seasickness.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy."
(applause)
(theme song fading out)
Yes, Marion, we're taking off for
Europe next week.
Well, I'm so excited, I can hardly
stand it.
Oui, oui!
That's French, you know.
Yes, yes, we're all studying
different languages,
so we can act as guides in different
countries.
Uh-huh, I'm taking French and Fred's
studying German
and Ethel's learning how to speak
Italian.
Ricky? Oh, he's learning how to speak
English.
Ha, ha, ha!
No, he's going to take over when we
get to Spain.
Well, now, au revoir, Madame Van
Vlack.
A bientot.
That means "good-bye, I'll see you
later."
Okay, ooh-la-la, Marion.
Love to Norma.
Oh, I'm not going to argue with you
any longer.
You're acting just like a child.
I don't care how I'm acting; It's the
truth.
Uh... bonjour, Mama.
Bonjour, Papa.
Mama? Papa?
Well, I haven't learned how to
say "Fred" and "Ethel" in French.
How do you say "seasick" in French?
Oh, will you stop harping on that.
LUCY: What's wrong?
He's afraid he's gonna get seasick on
the boat.
Oh, Fred, that's silly.
It is not.
You were on a boat when you went to
France
during the First World War, weren't
you?
Yeah, but believe me, it wasn't my
idea.
And you came back on a boat, too,
didn't you?
Only because my top sergeant
had a bayonet in my back.
Oh, Fred.
Look, it's different nowadays on
these big ocean liners.
the Constitution, one of the best.
Sure. It's all in your mind.
Just don't think about it.
You'll be all right.
Well...
This is a terrible time to get a case
of jitters.
We've made all the arrangements.
We've sat for our passport photos.
We've had our overseas shots.
Okay, okay.
But I still wish there was a way
of getting to Europe by bus!
Fred, don't forget we're depending on
you
to be our guide in Germany.
Have you been studying your German?
Ja wohl, fraulein.
Hey, that's wonderful.
Giemen a sie, me a...
ein stein Wurzburger.
Oh, great!
What does that mean?
What do you think it means?
"Give me a glass of beer."
Is that all he's learned?
Nope. He's learned how to order nine
different kinds of beer.
Oh, we're gonna have an interesting
time in Germany.
Never mind, now.
You're not doing so hot with your
Italian.
Is that so?
By the time we get to Italy,
you won't be able to tell me from
Gina Lollobrigida.
Well, gieben sie me a Gina
Lollobrigida.
Oh, shuttenze up.
How are you doing with your French,
honey?
Fine. I've mastered the two most
important sentences
in the language.
What were they?
"How much is that dress in the
window?"
And "Wrap it up.
I'll take it."
Well, I have a feeling that Ricky
will know the French
for "Take it back.
It's too expensive."
Yeah.
I'll bet he does.
Hi.
Hi, Honey. Hello, Rick.
Hey, I got our pass-a-port pictures.
Oh, passport pictures!
Let me Let's see mine. see
'em.
Look pretty good.
Every one except mine.
Yeah?
Let me see yours, hon.
Hey, that's pretty good of you.
That's you.
Me?
Here, oh, oh, look, this is you.
I got them all mixed up.
Give me me.
Here, honey, this is you.
I guess this is yours.
(screaming) (screaming)
I look like Frankenstein.
Well, shake hands with your bride.
Let me see that one of you.
Hey, that looks more like me than the
one of me does.
You want to trade?
Fred, let me see yours.
Yeah.
I don't think that's very bad, do
you?
No, that's not so bad.
That's very realistic.
I look like a fist with eyes.
You're the one that got the good one.
Mm...
Yeah, that's not bad, Ethel.
I think he's captured the real you.
Is that so?
If I thought I really looked like
this,
I wouldn't blame Fred if he walked
out on me
right this minute.
Good-bye!
Come back here.
Let me see yours, Ricky.
Oh, it's terrible.
Oh, I think that's pretty cute.
Honey, that's good.
I look all right, but my hair looks
so funny.
What's the matter with it?
I look like I had a head full of
chocolate fudge.
(chuckling): Chocolate fudge.
Well, now that we've all looked at
each other's pictures...
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Come on now, come on.
Yeah, let's see yours.
Oh, now, you don't want to see them.
Come on now.
(sighing)
Why, honey, I think that's pretty
cute.
That's not bad.
Oh, it's terrible.
Looks like my face was put on hot and
it ran.
Well, that's the way the pictures
came out.
So what are you going to do about it?
I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to find another
photographer
and have some more pictures made
right now.
So am I.
Good.
I'll go put on a new face.
Just a minute. You mean you've had a
new face
at home all this time and you're
still wearing that one?
Oh, Fred!
Hey, listen.
We really should go and get our
pass-a-ports this morning.
Well, you and Fred go.
We want to get some decent pictures.
Absolutely.
Well...
And, honey, don't worry about the
baby.
I'm gonna leave him at nursery school
all day.
All right.
I'll see you later.
Right.
Feminine vanity.
Yeah.
What's the difference
what your pass-a-port picture looks
like?
I'm gonna use this thing right here.
Let me see.
I think I'll use this, too.
(snickering)
No, I guess I'd better use my own.
I look so much better than this
picture,
it'll give them a thrill just to see
me in person.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mr. Emory.
Yes... well, we have to go down to
the pass-a-port office.
That's down your way, so we'll stop
by.
Sure, we'd love to see you.
Thank you.
That's Mr. Emory of the American
Export Line.
He wants us to go down to the boat,
and he'll show us
where the boys are gonna play
and, uh, the accommodations and
stuff.
Well, let's away!
Okay.
Well, it's no use, Ethel.
Well, you'd think with your own
photographer
and 50 different poses apiece,
we would have gotten at least one
good picture.
I just don't understand it.
This is the same photographer
that took our wedding pictures 15
years ago
and we looked great.
Well, I guess they're just not making
cameras
like they used to.
Hey, I just had a horrible thought.
What?
Maybe we really look like this.
Bite your tongue.
Well, what are we gonna do now?
Well, either find another
photographer
or a plastic surgeon.
You'll be all right.
Don't worry.
LUCY: What's the matter with Fred?
What's the matter with Fred, Ricky?
What's the matter with him?
Well...
I'll tell you what happened.
We went down to the SS Constitution.
Oh, no.
Now, Fred, don't tell me you got
seasick.
It was 1918 all over again.
Well, honey, was it rough?
Rough?
The boat was tied to the dock.
It was absolutely still.
Fred, it's impossible to get seasick
on a boat
that is standing still.
Tell that to my stomach.
Well, Fred, if you're gonna get
seasick on a boat
that's tied to the dock,
what are you gonna do when you get in
the middle of the ocean?
Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna
do:
I'm not going.
Oh, Fred, you don't mean that.
Ethel, there's no way to get me on
that boat.
Where can I buy a bayonet?
Now, Fred, you'll be all right once
we get underway.
I'm not going.
You've got to go.
You're the band manager.
I'm sorry, I get seasick.
If I miss this trip on account of
you,
I'll make you landsick.
What a horrible choice to have to
make.
Now, look, what's the matter with
everyone?
What about those new, wonderful,
seasick pills
that they have now?
ETHEL: Sure!
They work great.
Well...
Oh, come on, Fred.
Say you'll go.
What have you got to lose?
Don't ask me that right now.
Did you have to say that?
No, Fred, really, those pills will
work great.
Well, suppose they don't!
Well, take some and try it.
Now, take some pills and go for a
ride
on the Staten Island Ferry.
Yeah.
Will you go with me?
I'm not gonna face the raging seas
of New York Harbor alone.
Sure I will, honey.
I'm gonna be busy this afternoon,
but tomorrow morning, we'll get up...
Hey, listen, you got... you-you...
This afternoon you gotta go get your
passports.
We do?
Yes. We were just down there.
The man says that you had-- this the
last day
if you want to be in time to sail.
What time does the office close?
5:00.
Oh, dear, I gotta go over
and get Aunt Martha's luggage for the
trip.
Lucy, will you baby-sit with
Commodore Squeamish here
on the Staten Island Ferry?
Sure.
Okay, I'll see you at the passport
office.
All right.
Come on, Fred.
Oh, Ethel!
What?
We don't have any decent pictures.
Hey, here's two good ones, right
here.
How can you say these are good?
Because either you use these, or you
don't go.
Oh, well, by George, these are kind
of good.
Oh, I must admit that one...
Oh, this is really good.
I'll see you at the passport office,
honey.
Yeah, come on, Fred.
Come on.
Listen, you can buy those pills in
any drugstore.
They'll work great.
Well, if they don't,
you can wave good-bye to me now,
because they'll never get me off of
Staten Island.
Oh, Fred, you're gonna take those
pills
and you're gonna be all right.
You just relax now, Fred.
Those pills are gonna work great.
Yeah, you know, I think they've
commenced to work already.
Really?
Yeah. I'm not seasick.
Good.
I'm not one bit seasick.
I feel great!
I-I never felt better in my life.
I'm not seasick.
Okay, boy, okay, wait till the boat
leaves.
Yeah.
(yawning)
Gee, those pills sure relax you.
They do, huh? Yeah.
(steamship horn blaring)
(engine roaring)
You can let go now, Fred.
Fred, let go.
Come on, straighten up. Relax.
Take your hands off.
Attaboy. Relax, now, relax.
There. How do you feel?
Oh, I feel fine.
Well, you don't look fine.
Come on, smile.
Aah, I don't want to jinx it.
Aw, come on. Come on, boy, smile for
me.
Attaboy, attaboy. There.
You're not gonna mind this trip at
all.
Nope.
No.
(yawning)
Gee, look at all those whitecaps out
there.
Yeah.
Real wavy and choppy, isn't it?
Yeah.
Up we go and down we go
and up we go
and down...
Gee, you feel fine, don't you, Fred?
Yeah.
Up we go and down we go and...
You're not going to mind this trip at
all, Fred?
Nope.
All you have to do is take a big,
deep breath of fresh air.
(taking deep breath)
Nothing like the ocean air to pep you
up
and make you ship-shape.
Yeah.
Oh...
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Now, you don't have to pretend with
me.
I've been on the other side of that
green face.
No, really, I...
I feel... oh...
Oh, now, steady, honey, steady.
It's all in your mind.
Never mind your philosophy.
Just give me some of your pills.
Oh. Yeah.
Here.
(ragged breathing)
I only took two of those.
Oh, I only took five or six.
This is an emergency.
Now, don't take any more.
They make you awful sleepy.
Yeah, well, I don't care what they do
just so long as they settle...
Oh...
Hold on!
Honey, steady, steady. Hon...
Come on, honey, let's go over and sit
down.
I think I'd better stay right over
here.
Let's sit down.
Come on!
There.
Don't you feel any better?
Well, I don't feel any worse.
So, compared to the way I was
feeling, I...
I'm feeling better, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I-I guess I'm gonna get to make
that trip
to Europe after all.
Yeah, well, have a good time.
(snoring)
(ferry horn blaring)
(snoring)
Yeah?
Yeah?
Well, it's 4:15 already.
Hasn't Lucy even called?
I haven't heard a word from her.
I can't even get my own passport.
Somebody has to identify me.
Look, I'll right come down there and
identify you.
What do you think could have happened
to Lucy and Fred?
I don't know, unless the seasick
pills didn't work
and she can't get Fred off of Staten
Island.
RICKY: Now, I'll be right down.
Okay, thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
Come on, sir. You've got to wake up.
Wake up, sir.
Come on.
Up you go.
Huh? Huh?
Wake up.
Ethel, all right, all right.
All right, Ethel, I'm awake!
Come on, sir.
Huh?
I am sorry,
but you and your friend have got to
get off.
Well, where are we?
New York.
Well, we must have had a nice trip.
Yeah. You had five nice trips.
What?!
Yes. I woke you up after the first
trip,
and you said you and your friend
wanted to sleep.
Oh, boy, you must have really tied
one on.
Now, wait a minute.
You never woke me up.
I did. You gave me a dollar.
Well, the dollar's up-- five trips.
Well, what time is it?
Oh, it's about... 4:22.
4:2...
Holy cow!
4:2..?
Lucy!
Lucy, honey, you got to wake up.
Huh?
You've got to wake up, honey right
now. Wake...
You've got to wake up, honey. I...
You've got to wake up.
We gotta get off of this tub.
Huh?
We gotta get your passport.
Passport?
Yes.
If we don't get off of this boat,
you'll never get to Paris.
Paris?
Yeah.
Where are the dress shops?
Down there!
No, no, honey, this way.
This way. There.
That's right.
No, honey! No!
That way. There.
There. That's right.
Back that way.
Honey, come here!
No!
This way!
Now. Now, straight ahead.
There. There.
That's right.
That's right.
Well, madam, it looks like your
friend didn't make it.
Oh, now, she'll make it.
We've still got eight minutes.
Seven minutes. This office closes
promptly at 5:00.
Oh, but we have to have our passports
today.
Rules are rules.
Well, it wouldn't hurt you to stay
open a few extra minutes,
would it?
When the 5:00 whistle blows, so do I.
I am not leaving this office until I
get my passport.
This office closes at 5:00
if I have to eject you forcibly.
You just try it.
I'm a tax-paying citizen.
I'll report you to Washington,
and then you see how long you hold
this job.
This is a civil service job.
You want to get me fired, you'll have
to wait till I die.
Ohh!
Come on now, honey.
Where have you been?
You know the office cl....
Fred, what's the matter with her?
Well, she got seasick and took a mess
of those pills
and got a little drowsy.
A little drowsy?
I was sleeping, too, and before we
woke up,
we'd been to Staten Island five
times.
You see that clock?
You've got exactly six minutes left.
Six minutes!
Okay, okay. Now, I've made up all the
papers.
All she has to do is sign them and be
sworn in.
And identify you.
I'll identify her.
I'm her husband.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, you don't have to rub it in.
I mean, she can't be identified by a
relative.
Oh, well, she'll identify me.
Well, madam, can you ident...?
Are we keeping her up?
Lucy, Lucy, wake up.
I'm awake.
Okay.
Lucy, come on now.
You have to wake up, honey.
Wake up! Wake up!
Fred, sit down.
You're rocking the boat.
Can you identify this woman
as Ethel Mertz?
Yeah, that's Ethel.
Not me, honey, her.
Can you identify this woman?
Oh, what woman?
Oh, I'll get a little water.
She'll be all right.
She's taking a little nap.
Looks to me like she's taken a little
nip.
Here you are, honey.
Oh, Fred,
I'm sorry.
What did you do that for?
Oh, I-I couldn't help it.
Lucy, come on now, wake up. Wake up.
I got to get my passport.
Honey, you're here, right here now.
Come on now.
Madam, can you identify this woman as
Ethel Mertz?
Huh?
Oh, hi, Ethel.
Oh, thank you, Lucy.
You got a passport photo?
Yes, sir.
Now don't laugh.
Madam, I've been looking at...
at passport photos all my life.
There's never one that's made me...
Hee-hee-hee-hee.
(chuckling)
Okay. Okay, let's get on with it,
shall we?
Yeah, just sign your photo.
All right.
Now, do you solemnly swear that the
statement made
on your passport application is true,
that the photograph attached to the
likeness of you?
Do you further solemnly swear that
you will support
and defend the Constitution of the
United States
against all enemies, foreign and
domestic,
that you will bear true faith and
allegiance
to the same, that you take this
obligation freely
without mental reservation
or purpose of evasion, so help you.
If so, raise your right hand and say,
"I do."
I do.
(laughing): Now...
You'll have your passport in a week.
Okay. Now, what about her?
Well, we haven't got time for her.
Oh, yes, we have. We've got
four-and-a-half minutes.
Come on, now, Lucy.
You'll have to wake up.
Come on, honey, come on.
Okay, let's go.
Do you identify this woman as Mrs.
Lucille Ricardo?
Yes, I can, Your Honor.
Yes, sir.
You only have the oath left.
Oh, dear.
ETHEL: Okay. Now you have to take...
Fred, where were you all afternoon?
Well, Ricky, you see we-we got...
Luc... honey? What's the matter with
Lucy?
She's asleep.
She got seasick
and took too many of those pills.
I thought you were the one that got
seasick.
What is she taking pills for?
She made me look like Admiral Nimitz.
You have exactly four minutes left.
Oh, come on, honey.
Four minutes?
All she has to do is just sign the
papers.
All right.
Come on, honey.
Wake up, Lucy.
Honey, wake up.
(laughing giddily)
(smacking lips)
Yes, yes.
Give me the paper, honey.
Okay. It's all ready to sign.
All right, there you are now, honey.
Here, now, here you are, honey.
All you do is just...
Hi.
Hi.
Just sign the paper, honey.
Just sign your pap...
No, no!
Okay, just sign the paper, honey.
Come on.
Come on now.
Just sign your paper.
Oh, honey...
Oh, Lucy, no.
Honey, wait a minute, honey.
No, honey.
Here, I'd better get another pen.
Okay, she wants...
Later, dear, later, later. Here.
Come on now.
Okay, now. Get it right there.
I'll hold it.
There you go.
Sign your paper.
Oh, no!
Oh, don't hurt mine!
Lucy, look, sweetheart.
I'll hold your hand for you here.
I'll hold the paper.
Yeah, baby, come on.
Right here, honey.
Just sign it right there.
Sign your name like a good girl.
"Lucille...
Ricardo."
There!
There, oh!
That's a good girl.
Here. We got it.
Whoa! Lucy!
Oh, Lucy!
Oh, come on!
Now for the oath.
All she has to do is to say "I do"
after I finish.
You hear that, honey?
All you have to do
is say, "I do."
Lucy, all you have to do is say, "I
do." "I do."
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Honey, come on.
Raise your right hand and say, "I
do."
You know, I think this woman's
intoxicated.
Madam, do you drink?
I do.
Oh, honey!
Come on, Lucy.
Come on now.
Oh, we have... oh, we've only got
three more minutes.
Now, come on, straighten up.
Wake up. All right, try again now.
Now, wait a minute, Ethel.
This is a very important piece of
paper.
She can't take the oath being sleep.
Well, you can't wake her up.
We haven't got time.
Well, if we don't have time to wake
her up,
she's gonna have to stay home.
Lucy!
You have to wake up, honey.
Try something out.
Let me wake you up.
Come on now.
Wake her up.
(muttering)
Mmm...
Whoa!
Honey...
(audience laughter drowning out
dialogue)
(Ethel and Ricky humming "Stars and
Stripes Forever")
She's coming to.
She's coming to right now.
Ah, you're coming to?
You waking up, baby? Yeah?
Oh, she looks fine, looks fine.
She's awake, Rick.
Come on.
Okay, honey.
Come on. There.
That's it. See?
Now we can....
"Do you solemnly swear that the
statement
"made on your passport applications
are true,
that the photograph attached to the
likeness of you?
"You further solemnly swear that you
will support
"and defend the Constitution of the
United States
"against all enemies, foreign and
domestic,
"that you will bear true faith and
allegiance
to the same, that you take this
obligation freely
without mental reservation
or purpose of evasion, so help you.
If so, raise your right hand and say,
"I do."
I do.
Ohh!
Good job!
You did it!
You made it!
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, that was great, honey.
You did just fine now.
Come on.
This way, baby.
Yeah, come on, honey, now we got it
all fixed up.
Everything is straightened out.
I never thought we had time to make
it.
I didn't think we had time.
Everything's all right now.
ETHEL: Rick, you were just great.
It was just wonderful.
Hey!
You can go now.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: The ferryboat officer was
played by Stanley Farrar.
and the passport office clerk was
played by Charles Lane.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at the same
time.
ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy."
(applause)
(theme song fading out)
Yes, Marion, we're taking off for
Europe next week.
Well, I'm so excited, I can hardly
stand it.
Oui, oui!
That's French, you know.
Yes, yes, we're all studying
different languages,
so we can act as guides in different
countries.
Uh-huh, I'm taking French and Fred's
studying German
and Ethel's learning how to speak
Italian.
Ricky? Oh, he's learning how to speak
English.
Ha, ha, ha!
No, he's going to take over when we
get to Spain.
Well, now, au revoir, Madame Van
Vlack.
A bientot.
That means "good-bye, I'll see you
later."
Okay, ooh-la-la, Marion.
Love to Norma.
Oh, I'm not going to argue with you
any longer.
You're acting just like a child.
I don't care how I'm acting; It's the
truth.
Uh... bonjour, Mama.
Bonjour, Papa.
Mama? Papa?
Well, I haven't learned how to
say "Fred" and "Ethel" in French.
How do you say "seasick" in French?
Oh, will you stop harping on that.
LUCY: What's wrong?
He's afraid he's gonna get seasick on
the boat.
Oh, Fred, that's silly.
It is not.
You were on a boat when you went to
France
during the First World War, weren't
you?
Yeah, but believe me, it wasn't my
idea.
And you came back on a boat, too,
didn't you?
Only because my top sergeant
had a bayonet in my back.
Oh, Fred.
Look, it's different nowadays on
these big ocean liners.
the Constitution, one of the best.
Sure. It's all in your mind.
Just don't think about it.
You'll be all right.
Well...
This is a terrible time to get a case
of jitters.
We've made all the arrangements.
We've sat for our passport photos.
We've had our overseas shots.
Okay, okay.
But I still wish there was a way
of getting to Europe by bus!
Fred, don't forget we're depending on
you
to be our guide in Germany.
Have you been studying your German?
Ja wohl, fraulein.
Hey, that's wonderful.
Giemen a sie, me a...
ein stein Wurzburger.
Oh, great!
What does that mean?
What do you think it means?
"Give me a glass of beer."
Is that all he's learned?
Nope. He's learned how to order nine
different kinds of beer.
Oh, we're gonna have an interesting
time in Germany.
Never mind, now.
You're not doing so hot with your
Italian.
Is that so?
By the time we get to Italy,
you won't be able to tell me from
Gina Lollobrigida.
Well, gieben sie me a Gina
Lollobrigida.
Oh, shuttenze up.
How are you doing with your French,
honey?
Fine. I've mastered the two most
important sentences
in the language.
What were they?
"How much is that dress in the
window?"
And "Wrap it up.
I'll take it."
Well, I have a feeling that Ricky
will know the French
for "Take it back.
It's too expensive."
Yeah.
I'll bet he does.
Hi.
Hi, Honey. Hello, Rick.
Hey, I got our pass-a-port pictures.
Oh, passport pictures!
Let me Let's see mine. see
'em.
Look pretty good.
Every one except mine.
Yeah?
Let me see yours, hon.
Hey, that's pretty good of you.
That's you.
Me?
Here, oh, oh, look, this is you.
I got them all mixed up.
Give me me.
Here, honey, this is you.
I guess this is yours.
(screaming) (screaming)
I look like Frankenstein.
Well, shake hands with your bride.
Let me see that one of you.
Hey, that looks more like me than the
one of me does.
You want to trade?
Fred, let me see yours.
Yeah.
I don't think that's very bad, do
you?
No, that's not so bad.
That's very realistic.
I look like a fist with eyes.
You're the one that got the good one.
Mm...
Yeah, that's not bad, Ethel.
I think he's captured the real you.
Is that so?
If I thought I really looked like
this,
I wouldn't blame Fred if he walked
out on me
right this minute.
Good-bye!
Come back here.
Let me see yours, Ricky.
Oh, it's terrible.
Oh, I think that's pretty cute.
Honey, that's good.
I look all right, but my hair looks
so funny.
What's the matter with it?
I look like I had a head full of
chocolate fudge.
(chuckling): Chocolate fudge.
Well, now that we've all looked at
each other's pictures...
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Come on now, come on.
Yeah, let's see yours.
Oh, now, you don't want to see them.
Come on now.
(sighing)
Why, honey, I think that's pretty
cute.
That's not bad.
Oh, it's terrible.
Looks like my face was put on hot and
it ran.
Well, that's the way the pictures
came out.
So what are you going to do about it?
I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to find another
photographer
and have some more pictures made
right now.
So am I.
Good.
I'll go put on a new face.
Just a minute. You mean you've had a
new face
at home all this time and you're
still wearing that one?
Oh, Fred!
Hey, listen.
We really should go and get our
pass-a-ports this morning.
Well, you and Fred go.
We want to get some decent pictures.
Absolutely.
Well...
And, honey, don't worry about the
baby.
I'm gonna leave him at nursery school
all day.
All right.
I'll see you later.
Right.
Feminine vanity.
Yeah.
What's the difference
what your pass-a-port picture looks
like?
I'm gonna use this thing right here.
Let me see.
I think I'll use this, too.
(snickering)
No, I guess I'd better use my own.
I look so much better than this
picture,
it'll give them a thrill just to see
me in person.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Oh, hello, Mr. Emory.
Yes... well, we have to go down to
the pass-a-port office.
That's down your way, so we'll stop
by.
Sure, we'd love to see you.
Thank you.
That's Mr. Emory of the American
Export Line.
He wants us to go down to the boat,
and he'll show us
where the boys are gonna play
and, uh, the accommodations and
stuff.
Well, let's away!
Okay.
Well, it's no use, Ethel.
Well, you'd think with your own
photographer
and 50 different poses apiece,
we would have gotten at least one
good picture.
I just don't understand it.
This is the same photographer
that took our wedding pictures 15
years ago
and we looked great.
Well, I guess they're just not making
cameras
like they used to.
Hey, I just had a horrible thought.
What?
Maybe we really look like this.
Bite your tongue.
Well, what are we gonna do now?
Well, either find another
photographer
or a plastic surgeon.
You'll be all right.
Don't worry.
LUCY: What's the matter with Fred?
What's the matter with Fred, Ricky?
What's the matter with him?
Well...
I'll tell you what happened.
We went down to the SS Constitution.
Oh, no.
Now, Fred, don't tell me you got
seasick.
It was 1918 all over again.
Well, honey, was it rough?
Rough?
The boat was tied to the dock.
It was absolutely still.
Fred, it's impossible to get seasick
on a boat
that is standing still.
Tell that to my stomach.
Well, Fred, if you're gonna get
seasick on a boat
that's tied to the dock,
what are you gonna do when you get in
the middle of the ocean?
Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna
do:
I'm not going.
Oh, Fred, you don't mean that.
Ethel, there's no way to get me on
that boat.
Where can I buy a bayonet?
Now, Fred, you'll be all right once
we get underway.
I'm not going.
You've got to go.
You're the band manager.
I'm sorry, I get seasick.
If I miss this trip on account of
you,
I'll make you landsick.
What a horrible choice to have to
make.
Now, look, what's the matter with
everyone?
What about those new, wonderful,
seasick pills
that they have now?
ETHEL: Sure!
They work great.
Well...
Oh, come on, Fred.
Say you'll go.
What have you got to lose?
Don't ask me that right now.
Did you have to say that?
No, Fred, really, those pills will
work great.
Well, suppose they don't!
Well, take some and try it.
Now, take some pills and go for a
ride
on the Staten Island Ferry.
Yeah.
Will you go with me?
I'm not gonna face the raging seas
of New York Harbor alone.
Sure I will, honey.
I'm gonna be busy this afternoon,
but tomorrow morning, we'll get up...
Hey, listen, you got... you-you...
This afternoon you gotta go get your
passports.
We do?
Yes. We were just down there.
The man says that you had-- this the
last day
if you want to be in time to sail.
What time does the office close?
5:00.
Oh, dear, I gotta go over
and get Aunt Martha's luggage for the
trip.
Lucy, will you baby-sit with
Commodore Squeamish here
on the Staten Island Ferry?
Sure.
Okay, I'll see you at the passport
office.
All right.
Come on, Fred.
Oh, Ethel!
What?
We don't have any decent pictures.
Hey, here's two good ones, right
here.
How can you say these are good?
Because either you use these, or you
don't go.
Oh, well, by George, these are kind
of good.
Oh, I must admit that one...
Oh, this is really good.
I'll see you at the passport office,
honey.
Yeah, come on, Fred.
Come on.
Listen, you can buy those pills in
any drugstore.
They'll work great.
Well, if they don't,
you can wave good-bye to me now,
because they'll never get me off of
Staten Island.
Oh, Fred, you're gonna take those
pills
and you're gonna be all right.
You just relax now, Fred.
Those pills are gonna work great.
Yeah, you know, I think they've
commenced to work already.
Really?
Yeah. I'm not seasick.
Good.
I'm not one bit seasick.
I feel great!
I-I never felt better in my life.
I'm not seasick.
Okay, boy, okay, wait till the boat
leaves.
Yeah.
(yawning)
Gee, those pills sure relax you.
They do, huh? Yeah.
(steamship horn blaring)
(engine roaring)
You can let go now, Fred.
Fred, let go.
Come on, straighten up. Relax.
Take your hands off.
Attaboy. Relax, now, relax.
There. How do you feel?
Oh, I feel fine.
Well, you don't look fine.
Come on, smile.
Aah, I don't want to jinx it.
Aw, come on. Come on, boy, smile for
me.
Attaboy, attaboy. There.
You're not gonna mind this trip at
all.
Nope.
No.
(yawning)
Gee, look at all those whitecaps out
there.
Yeah.
Real wavy and choppy, isn't it?
Yeah.
Up we go and down we go
and up we go
and down...
Gee, you feel fine, don't you, Fred?
Yeah.
Up we go and down we go and...
You're not going to mind this trip at
all, Fred?
Nope.
All you have to do is take a big,
deep breath of fresh air.
(taking deep breath)
Nothing like the ocean air to pep you
up
and make you ship-shape.
Yeah.
Oh...
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Now, you don't have to pretend with
me.
I've been on the other side of that
green face.
No, really, I...
I feel... oh...
Oh, now, steady, honey, steady.
It's all in your mind.
Never mind your philosophy.
Just give me some of your pills.
Oh. Yeah.
Here.
(ragged breathing)
I only took two of those.
Oh, I only took five or six.
This is an emergency.
Now, don't take any more.
They make you awful sleepy.
Yeah, well, I don't care what they do
just so long as they settle...
Oh...
Hold on!
Honey, steady, steady. Hon...
Come on, honey, let's go over and sit
down.
I think I'd better stay right over
here.
Let's sit down.
Come on!
There.
Don't you feel any better?
Well, I don't feel any worse.
So, compared to the way I was
feeling, I...
I'm feeling better, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I-I guess I'm gonna get to make
that trip
to Europe after all.
Yeah, well, have a good time.
(snoring)
(ferry horn blaring)
(snoring)
Yeah?
Yeah?
Well, it's 4:15 already.
Hasn't Lucy even called?
I haven't heard a word from her.
I can't even get my own passport.
Somebody has to identify me.
Look, I'll right come down there and
identify you.
What do you think could have happened
to Lucy and Fred?
I don't know, unless the seasick
pills didn't work
and she can't get Fred off of Staten
Island.
RICKY: Now, I'll be right down.
Okay, thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
Come on, sir. You've got to wake up.
Wake up, sir.
Come on.
Up you go.
Huh? Huh?
Wake up.
Ethel, all right, all right.
All right, Ethel, I'm awake!
Come on, sir.
Huh?
I am sorry,
but you and your friend have got to
get off.
Well, where are we?
New York.
Well, we must have had a nice trip.
Yeah. You had five nice trips.
What?!
Yes. I woke you up after the first
trip,
and you said you and your friend
wanted to sleep.
Oh, boy, you must have really tied
one on.
Now, wait a minute.
You never woke me up.
I did. You gave me a dollar.
Well, the dollar's up-- five trips.
Well, what time is it?
Oh, it's about... 4:22.
4:2...
Holy cow!
4:2..?
Lucy!
Lucy, honey, you got to wake up.
Huh?
You've got to wake up, honey right
now. Wake...
You've got to wake up, honey. I...
You've got to wake up.
We gotta get off of this tub.
Huh?
We gotta get your passport.
Passport?
Yes.
If we don't get off of this boat,
you'll never get to Paris.
Paris?
Yeah.
Where are the dress shops?
Down there!
No, no, honey, this way.
This way. There.
That's right.
No, honey! No!
That way. There.
There. That's right.
Back that way.
Honey, come here!
No!
This way!
Now. Now, straight ahead.
There. There.
That's right.
That's right.
Well, madam, it looks like your
friend didn't make it.
Oh, now, she'll make it.
We've still got eight minutes.
Seven minutes. This office closes
promptly at 5:00.
Oh, but we have to have our passports
today.
Rules are rules.
Well, it wouldn't hurt you to stay
open a few extra minutes,
would it?
When the 5:00 whistle blows, so do I.
I am not leaving this office until I
get my passport.
This office closes at 5:00
if I have to eject you forcibly.
You just try it.
I'm a tax-paying citizen.
I'll report you to Washington,
and then you see how long you hold
this job.
This is a civil service job.
You want to get me fired, you'll have
to wait till I die.
Ohh!
Come on now, honey.
Where have you been?
You know the office cl....
Fred, what's the matter with her?
Well, she got seasick and took a mess
of those pills
and got a little drowsy.
A little drowsy?
I was sleeping, too, and before we
woke up,
we'd been to Staten Island five
times.
You see that clock?
You've got exactly six minutes left.
Six minutes!
Okay, okay. Now, I've made up all the
papers.
All she has to do is sign them and be
sworn in.
And identify you.
I'll identify her.
I'm her husband.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, you don't have to rub it in.
I mean, she can't be identified by a
relative.
Oh, well, she'll identify me.
Well, madam, can you ident...?
Are we keeping her up?
Lucy, Lucy, wake up.
I'm awake.
Okay.
Lucy, come on now.
You have to wake up, honey.
Wake up! Wake up!
Fred, sit down.
You're rocking the boat.
Can you identify this woman
as Ethel Mertz?
Yeah, that's Ethel.
Not me, honey, her.
Can you identify this woman?
Oh, what woman?
Oh, I'll get a little water.
She'll be all right.
She's taking a little nap.
Looks to me like she's taken a little
nip.
Here you are, honey.
Oh, Fred,
I'm sorry.
What did you do that for?
Oh, I-I couldn't help it.
Lucy, come on now, wake up. Wake up.
I got to get my passport.
Honey, you're here, right here now.
Come on now.
Madam, can you identify this woman as
Ethel Mertz?
Huh?
Oh, hi, Ethel.
Oh, thank you, Lucy.
You got a passport photo?
Yes, sir.
Now don't laugh.
Madam, I've been looking at...
at passport photos all my life.
There's never one that's made me...
Hee-hee-hee-hee.
(chuckling)
Okay. Okay, let's get on with it,
shall we?
Yeah, just sign your photo.
All right.
Now, do you solemnly swear that the
statement made
on your passport application is true,
that the photograph attached to the
likeness of you?
Do you further solemnly swear that
you will support
and defend the Constitution of the
United States
against all enemies, foreign and
domestic,
that you will bear true faith and
allegiance
to the same, that you take this
obligation freely
without mental reservation
or purpose of evasion, so help you.
If so, raise your right hand and say,
"I do."
I do.
(laughing): Now...
You'll have your passport in a week.
Okay. Now, what about her?
Well, we haven't got time for her.
Oh, yes, we have. We've got
four-and-a-half minutes.
Come on, now, Lucy.
You'll have to wake up.
Come on, honey, come on.
Okay, let's go.
Do you identify this woman as Mrs.
Lucille Ricardo?
Yes, I can, Your Honor.
Yes, sir.
You only have the oath left.
Oh, dear.
ETHEL: Okay. Now you have to take...
Fred, where were you all afternoon?
Well, Ricky, you see we-we got...
Luc... honey? What's the matter with
Lucy?
She's asleep.
She got seasick
and took too many of those pills.
I thought you were the one that got
seasick.
What is she taking pills for?
She made me look like Admiral Nimitz.
You have exactly four minutes left.
Oh, come on, honey.
Four minutes?
All she has to do is just sign the
papers.
All right.
Come on, honey.
Wake up, Lucy.
Honey, wake up.
(laughing giddily)
(smacking lips)
Yes, yes.
Give me the paper, honey.
Okay. It's all ready to sign.
All right, there you are now, honey.
Here, now, here you are, honey.
All you do is just...
Hi.
Hi.
Just sign the paper, honey.
Just sign your pap...
No, no!
Okay, just sign the paper, honey.
Come on.
Come on now.
Just sign your paper.
Oh, honey...
Oh, Lucy, no.
Honey, wait a minute, honey.
No, honey.
Here, I'd better get another pen.
Okay, she wants...
Later, dear, later, later. Here.
Come on now.
Okay, now. Get it right there.
I'll hold it.
There you go.
Sign your paper.
Oh, no!
Oh, don't hurt mine!
Lucy, look, sweetheart.
I'll hold your hand for you here.
I'll hold the paper.
Yeah, baby, come on.
Right here, honey.
Just sign it right there.
Sign your name like a good girl.
"Lucille...
Ricardo."
There!
There, oh!
That's a good girl.
Here. We got it.
Whoa! Lucy!
Oh, Lucy!
Oh, come on!
Now for the oath.
All she has to do is to say "I do"
after I finish.
You hear that, honey?
All you have to do
is say, "I do."
Lucy, all you have to do is say, "I
do." "I do."
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Honey, come on.
Raise your right hand and say, "I
do."
You know, I think this woman's
intoxicated.
Madam, do you drink?
I do.
Oh, honey!
Come on, Lucy.
Come on now.
Oh, we have... oh, we've only got
three more minutes.
Now, come on, straighten up.
Wake up. All right, try again now.
Now, wait a minute, Ethel.
This is a very important piece of
paper.
She can't take the oath being sleep.
Well, you can't wake her up.
We haven't got time.
Well, if we don't have time to wake
her up,
she's gonna have to stay home.
Lucy!
You have to wake up, honey.
Try something out.
Let me wake you up.
Come on now.
Wake her up.
(muttering)
Mmm...
Whoa!
Honey...
(audience laughter drowning out
dialogue)
(Ethel and Ricky humming "Stars and
Stripes Forever")
She's coming to.
She's coming to right now.
Ah, you're coming to?
You waking up, baby? Yeah?
Oh, she looks fine, looks fine.
She's awake, Rick.
Come on.
Okay, honey.
Come on. There.
That's it. See?
Now we can....
"Do you solemnly swear that the
statement
"made on your passport applications
are true,
that the photograph attached to the
likeness of you?
"You further solemnly swear that you
will support
"and defend the Constitution of the
United States
"against all enemies, foreign and
domestic,
"that you will bear true faith and
allegiance
to the same, that you take this
obligation freely
without mental reservation
or purpose of evasion, so help you.
If so, raise your right hand and say,
"I do."
I do.
Ohh!
Good job!
You did it!
You made it!
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, that was great, honey.
You did just fine now.
Come on.
This way, baby.
Yeah, come on, honey, now we got it
all fixed up.
Everything is straightened out.
I never thought we had time to make
it.
I didn't think we had time.
Everything's all right now.
ETHEL: Rick, you were just great.
It was just wonderful.
Hey!
You can go now.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)
ANNOUNCER: The ferryboat officer was
played by Stanley Farrar.
and the passport office clerk was
played by Charles Lane.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
will be back next week at the same
time.