I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 9 - Too Many Crooks - full transcript

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

(sirens wailing)

(door buzzer sounding continuously)

(door buzzer sounding continuously)

(door buzzer still sounding)

(knocking on door)

I'm coming.

Did a man come in or anything like
that?

Did you see anybody, did you see
anybody on the fire escape?

Where? Where?
What do you mean?

What are you talking about?



There's been a robbery in the
neighborhood.

A robbery?

Well, get the police!

Get the police!

Oh, you're a police.

That's all right, Mrs., uh...

Mrs. Ricardo.

Mrs. Ricardo, did you see anyone?

No. I was asleep.

Who else lives here?

Well, my-my husband-- he's still
working at the club,

but my little baby is asleep in the
nursery.

I'll check the premises.

Oh! Oh, a robbery right here,



right here in the building?

Oh, it just gives me goose pimples!

Well, gee, at least you've got Fred
to protect you.

Protect me?

The minute he heard about it, he ran
and hid.

I was not hiding.

I was looking for something to hit
him with!

Under the bed?

Ooh, it was awful.

Lucy, I can't see wh-why you didn't
wake up.

Officer, please don't wake up the
baby.

Where was the robbery?

Well, let's see now...

(all talking excitedly at once)

Ethel, where was it?

It was in the Ackermans' apartment
across the street.

They came home and scared the burglar

and he went down the fire escape.

No kidding?

Yeah, and then they saw him run
across the street

and right into this building!

Are you sure?

Oh, yes.

We've checked everywhere.

So I guess she's given us the slip
again.

Oh, that's too... She?
She?

Isn't it a man?

We think the person who's been
pulling all these jobs

in the neighborhood lately is a
woman.

Oh, gracious alive!

What makes you think it's a woman?

We suspected it at first,

but tonight the Ackermans' report
clinched it.

How? How? How?

Just before entering this building,

they saw the robber stop

and take a hitch at her girdle.

Oh!

Have you any idea who she is?

No. The only thing we've got to go on
are fingerprints,

but the boys on the force call her
"Madame X."

Madame X.
Madame X.

Oh, it gives me shivers.

How do you like that?

Well, uh, uh, thanks, folks, for your
cooperation.

Oh, well, thank you, officer.

(excited chatter)

Look at that.
"Madame X strikes again.

"The mysterious woman burglar added
another

to her long list of robberies last
night."

Oh, boy, that's exciting.

It isn't every day we have a robbery

and get our names in the paper.

What do you mean "our names in the
paper?

Right here: "The police questioned
all the tenants."

That's us.

I'll cut it out and put it in my
scrapbook.

Well, it is exciting.

Have you seen the News?

Have you seen the...
the Mirror?

Look at that.

Oh! Oh, the News is more sensational.

Yeah, but the Mirror gives it more
space.

Isn't it scary?

Fred Mertz, I want you to have new
locks

put on every door in this building.

A child could open the old ones.

I can't afford it.

I'll buy them.

With what?

Oh, I've managed to save a little

out of that miserable pittance you
give me.

Okay, then, buy the locks.

All right.

I was going to buy you a birthday
present

with that money.

Oh, fine.

Oh, Fred, I didn't know you had a
birthday coming up.

When is it, Fred?

A week from Thursday.
Ah.

How old are you gonna be?

Did you hear about the big robbery
last night?

Come on, Fred, don't be bashful.

How old are you?

Well, now, I'll make a deal.

I'll tell how old I am

if you'll tell how old you are.

That was a big robbery we had last
night.

Come on, birthday boy.

Let's go count how many locks we have
to buy.

New door locks for Fred

New door locks for Fred

New door locks for...

(chuckling)

Gee, I'm glad we found out about
Fred's birthday.

What will we get him?

How about some keys to go with the
locks?

Seriously, we have to get him
something nice.

Hey, I know!

A tweet soot.

A "tweet soot"?

Yeah. He's always wanted a soot from
my tailor's--

a tweet one.

Oh, a tweed suit!

Oh, he'd love that.

Well, I tell you what.

I'll make an appointment for him

to go to the tailor's today.

Oh, no, that's no fun.

Then it won't be a surprise.

Well, honey, they have to know his
measurements.

They do?

They do unless you want to give him

a tweet nightshirt.

Oh, dear.

Let's see...

Oh, why don't you get one of his old
suits from Ethel,

and then the tailors can get the
measurements off of that.

No, she's such a blabbermouth, she'd
tell him.

Well, I don't know how you're gonna
get it, then.

I know. I'll sneak in and get one of
his old suits

out of the closet without either one
of them knowing it.

Be sure they don't catch you.

Well, I won't if you keep them busy.

Call them up and get them over here
on some pretext.

Okay. I'll get them over on some
pretext.

What's a pretext?

Well, it's when you want someone to
do something,

but you don't want them to know

that you want them to do that
particular something.

So, you make up something else,

then they think they're doing
something else,

but in reality, they're doing the
something

that you want them to do

but don't want them to know that you
want them to do.

What?!

Look, I'll show you what I mean.

Oh, wait a minute.
Forget the pretext.

They're out around the building
counting locks.

I'll go get it right now.

Okay.

(humming tune)

(door buzzer sounds)

(humming)

Oh, hello, Mrs. Trumbull.

Uh, Mrs. Mertz, here is the check for
my rent.

Oh, thanks.

My, we certainly had a lot of
excitement

around here last night, didn't we?

I'll say we did.

Are we alone?

Well, yes.

Fred is out in the kitchen, but he
can't hear us.

Why?

Mrs. Mertz, I know something.

About the robbery?

Yes.

And I've got to tell somebody.

Oh, you can trust me, Mrs. Trumbull!

Well, I...
I may be wrong,

but I think there's a chance that
Madame X

may be somebody who lives in our
building.

In this building?!

Shh!

What makes you think so?

Well, they say Madame X is a woman

who wears men's clothes.

Yes, yes.

They saw her come in here

and they didn't see her go out.

Yes.
Now, I know I'm wrong.

I know there's a logical explanation,
but...

But what?! But what?!

Well, I-I know I'm wrong, but I...
I...

I saw someone sneaking out of your
apartment

with a man's suit.

Who?

Lucy Ricardo.

Lucy?

Going out of this apartment?

Sneaking along the hall.

Oh, my goodness!

Lucy!

Oh, Mrs. Trum...

Oh, what are we saying?

I know there's a logical explanation,
but what is it?

Oh, Mrs. Trumbull, I'm surprised at
you.

Suspecting Lucy of all people.

Well, I said I knew I was wrong.

Well, I should say so.

Oh, I'm ashamed of the two of us

just standing here talking like this.

Well, so am I.

Just forget I ever mentioned it.

Oh, consider it forgotten.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Fred! Fred! Fred! Fred!

Fred, come here!

Come here!
What's the matter?

Guess who Madame X is!

Who?

Lucy!

Lucy who?

Lucy Ricardo.

And what's more, she's pulling all
those jobs

wearing your suit!

I've been waiting for this.

Your brain has gone bye-bye.

Oh, is that so?

Now, Mrs. Trumbull said

she saw Lucy sneaking out of this
apartment

carrying one of your suits!

I don't believe it.

Well, I'll just look and see.

Aha!

Your gray suit is gone.

So she took one of my suits.

Ethel, there's a hundred reasons

why Lucy could take one of my suits.

Name a few.

Well, it could have been bec...

Well, she might have had a...

So Lucy is Madame X!

Uh-huh.

Now, listen, we got to get ahold of
ourselves.

We're standing here, accusing Lucy of
being a crook!

I know it, I know it.

We've got to prove that Lucy is
innocent

for her sake and ours.

But how?

I know!

After Ricky goes to work tonight,

we'll watch her and see what she
does.

We'll go up on the roof and come down
the fire escape

and watch her through the window.

What will that prove?

Well, if she doesn't put on your suit

and go out and come back later

with a bag full of loot, then she
isn't Madame X.

That won't prove anything.

Even a crook has a night off.

Then we'll stay out there till we
prove

that Lucy is innocent.

All right.

Besides...

if she is Madame X,

you and I better know about it.

Yeah.

What's she doing now?

She must be going to crack a safe
tonight.

She's sandpapering the ends of her
fingers.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I was wrong.

She's using an emery board on her
nails.

Come on, Sherlock,

let's go back to headquarters and
forget it.

Forget it? We've only been here an
hour.

I'm cold, I want to go home.

Well, go ahead.

Leave me your coat, will you?

(sneezes)

Say, you are getting cold,

sneezing like...

Here, put this on.

Put my hat on, too.

Now, don't hang around here too long!

I won't. Just long enough to clear
the name

of my good friend, Madame X...

Uh, Lucy.

(sneezes loudly)

I'm sorry to wake you up, honey.

I'm going to take you over to Aunt
Ethel's.

That might have been Madame X on the
fire escape.

(door shuts)

There she is.

I don't believe it.

Your Aunt Ethel is Madame X!

(sighs)

Here's your house money for the week,
honey.

Now put it away.
Don't lose it.

Now, look, Lucy, you've got to stop
even thinking

that Ethel is Madame X.

I know, but after what I saw...

What was she doing out there on that
fire escape

wearing a man's hat and coat?

Well, there must be a good reason for
it.

I'd like nothing better than to find
a good reason.

I've been thinking and thinking and I
can't find one.

Well, now, you don't really think
that Ethel is Madame X?

Of course not, but how can I prove
it?

Well, why don't you just ask her
about it?

Oh, sure.
What am I gonna say?

"Hi, Ethel, robbed any good
apartments lately?"

You know what I mean.

Tell her that you saw her out on the
fire escape.

Oh, I can't do that.

Why not?

If she's not Madame X,

she'll tell why she was out there.

And if she is, she'll shoot me.

We got to be clever about this,
Ricky.

What do the police do when they
suspect someone?

Oh, well, they got a whole routine.

What kind of a routine?

Well, you know, they got, uh...

clues, fingerprints...

telltale evidences...

Fingerprints!

We'll try to get Ethel's fingerprints
on something.

This silver cigarette case of yours

would be just perfect.

Hello, Ethel.

Ethel, we were just wondering why we
haven't...

Oh, Fred, I didn't recognize your
voice.

Oh...

How are you?

Oh, we're fine.

Yeah, well, we were just sitting
around,

wondering why you haven't dropped
over lately.

Yeah, well, why don't you come over?

Oh, good. Bring the madame, uh, the
missus...

Uh, Ethel, bring Ethel.

Oh, all right, bye.

They're coming right over.

This will just be perfect.

Now, let's see...
we can serve drinks,

maybe get fingerprints on the
glasses, too.

Okay, I'll make some lemonade or
something.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Just serve two drinks.

Just two?

Yeah. Now, we won't touch a thing.

That way, all the fingerprints will
be theirs.

Okay.

Don't forget now.

Now, keep your eyes peeled for clues

while we're over there.

Hey, if you could get Lucy to choke
you,

we'd have her fingerprints on your
neck.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Yeah, I like it.

I don't mean the choking part.

We'll try and get her fingerprints on
something.

All right.

Now, while we're over there, we won't
touch a thing,

and any fingerprints will be theirs.

All right, come on, let's go.

(door buzzer sounds)

Hi, Ethel, Fred!
Come on in.

Hello, honey.

Come in and sit down, won't you?

Hi.
Hello, Lucy.

LUCY: Good to see you.

I bet you were wondering

why I asked you over here tonight.

Well, yes.

Oh...

Uh, I have something I want to show
you.

What?

Here, take it.

I can see it.

It's that cigarette case

that, uh, Ricky got for Christmas
last year.

Oh, you've seen it before, huh?

Yeah.

Oh.

You want to see it again?

No.

Oh.

Uh... uh, look inside.

You haven't seen the inscription,
have you?

You mean the one that says, uh,

"Merry Christmas to the boss from the
boys, 1952"?

Yeah, that's the one.

Yeah, I've seen it.

Uh, you know, this is pure silver.

Isn't it amazing how heavy silver is?

Here, lift it.

I know, it weighs a ton.

That's the reason Ricky never carries
it.

Yeah... yeah.

Well...

RICKY: Hello, folks!

Oh, hi.
Oh, hi, Rick.

Put the drinks right down there,
dear.

Okay.
Oh, just a minute.

Just a minute.
Uh, oh.

Okay.

There you are.

Have one, Fred.

No, thanks.

Go ahead, help yourself, Ethel.

No, thanks, I'm on a diet.

Oh, on a diet.
Why, you don't have to reduce.

If anything, I'd say you were
underweight.

Have you been to an oculist lately?

Oh, keep quiet.

Come on, Ethel.

Have one, come on.

Here.

No, I'm not thirsty, anyway.

Oh...

well...

Oh, don't let that keep you from
having one, honey.

You have one.

Oh, all right.

Hand it to me, will you, dear?

Uh-huh.

No, thanks, I changed my mind, I...

Uh, oh, uh, let's have some peanuts.

Dear, they're right there on the
mantel.

Oh, okay.

(clears throat)

Here.

Oh, thanks.

I'd like some.

All right.

Oh, just a minute.

Uh, here, hand this to Fred, dear.

All right.

Thanks.

Well, come on, Fred, let's go.

All right.

Oh, don't go.

Oh, honey, I've got a hundred things
to do.

LUCY: Oh, that's too bad.
I didn't...

Oh, we may come later.

We might come up later.

Oh, well, I hope so.

FRED: Bye-bye. Thanks.

Bye.
See you later now, if you can.

Darn it!

Did you see how slippery she was?

She deliberately kept

from putting her fingers on anything.

Yeah.

How about that, huh?

Mm...

Hmm.

How about that?

I got them!
I got them!

I got her fingerprints!

Where did you get them?

On that silver cigarette case.

Oh, pretty slick, huh?

Now, all I got to do is take this
down to the police station

and compare these with Madame X's...
Ha, ha!

I'll go get my coat on.

All right.

Fred!

Don't touch that cigarette case.

I don't want any fingerprints on that
but Lucy's.

Now, let's see.

I think I got good, clear prints.

Hey, she's cleverer than I thought.

She handled that with her bare hands

and didn't leave a print on it.

Yeah, how about that?

Honey, I'm late for the club already.
I'll see you later.

Ricky, have you got your sil-silver
cigarette case?

No. Why?

Well, I left it right here someplace,

and I just can't underst...

Ethel swiped your cigarette case.

She really is Madame X.

Oh, come on, now.

Yes! Now, we got to do something
about this.

I don't know what you're gonna do,

but I got to go.
Good night, honey.

Listen, Ricky, now, I got an idea.

I'm gonna call Ethel and I'm gonna
tell her

that I'm gonna the baby over to Mrs.
Trumbull's apartment,

and then I'm going to the club with
you tonight.

Why?

Well, that way, she'll think

the apartment is empty

an-and if she wants to really rob it,
she can.

And th-then I'll hide in here,

an-and I'll catch her red-handed.

And maybe I can talk her out of this
life of crime.

Oh, now, look, honey, why don't you
get a good book,

go to bed and forget all these crazy
schemes?

They're not crazy schemes.

Yes, they are.

Now, good night, dear.

Good night, dear.

(door shuts)

Hello, Ethel.

Uh, Ethel, in case you were thinking

of dropping over again tonight,

I just wanted you to know that we
wouldn't be home.

Ethel, not my good silver!

You know that belongs to Ricky's
mother!

Put that gun away!

Put that away!

What do you want to do, hurt
somebody?

Now stop that!

The i... the idea!

I'm surprised at you!

Trying to rob our apartment!

Why, Ethel Mertz!

Why, Ethel Mertz!

I have never heard of such a thing
before.

You...

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Ethel, now, you...

This is not the life for you.

If it's money you need,

I'll pay you what I owe you.

You give up this life of crime,

and I won't tell a soul that you're
Madame X.

Lucy.
What?!

What's the matter?

I got Madame...

Whoops!

Madame X!

Madame X!

(screams)
That's Madame X!

(Lucy and Ethel shrieking)

Oh, Lucy!

Oh!
Oh!

Oh, Lucy!

What's the matter?

No, no, it isn't Lucy.

The real Madame X got away.

Which way did she go?

She went that way.

This way?
Yeah.

Sure?
Yeah.

Oh!

Ethel, Ethel!

Huh?

Let go of my neck.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh...

Oh, dear.

Oh...
Oh, Lucy...

I'm so relieved to know that

that was the real Madame X and not
you.

Me, too.

Gee, Ethel, I'm sorry.

What do you mean that I wasn't Madame
X?

I thought you were.

I was?

How did you get that idea?

Where did you get the idea I was?

Mrs. Trumbull says she saw you

sneaking out of our apartment,
carrying one of Fred's suits.

Oh, that was for a model.

Ricky was going to give your Fred a
suit

for his birthday.

Oh, dear.

What were you doing out on our fire
escape,

wearing a man's hat and coat?

I was spying on you.

I thought you were Madame X

and Fred and I went out on the fire
escape

and I got cold and he gave me his
coat and hat.

Oh, no.

RICKY: I got her!

Honey, I got Ethel!
I got Ethel!

Ethel!

(clamoring)

I got her! I got her, honey!

(shouting)

(all clamoring)

We got her!
I got her! I got her!

Did you see how I got her there?

Yeah, I saw you.

I caught her right there.

I caught her myself!

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: Mrs. Trumbull was played
by Elizabeth Patterson.

Madame X was Alice Wills

and the policeman was Alan Jenkins.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.

ANNOUNCER 2: This is the CBS
Television Network.