I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 10 - Changing the Boys' Wardrobe - full transcript

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

Yes, Jerry. Yes, I know.

I know it's awful tough to find
publicity these days,

but that's what I'm paying you for,
remember?

Now, listen to me.

I want a story about me in the papers
next week or else.

Yes, I got an idea.

I got a wonderful idea.

How about "Ricky Ricardo Shoots
Publicity Agent"?

Okay. Well, look, let's see that it
gets in there, huh?

Thanks.



Good-bye.

Ay, que barbaridad!

No se lo que lo pasa a la gente.

Se le pago muchisimo dinero para
publicidad

y no le hace nada.

What's the matter, dear?

Oh, that Jerry.

You know, when you pay somebody to do
something,

you expect them to do it.

I practically have to do the whole
thing for him.

Now calm down.

You'll forget your troubles at the
movies.

What are we going to see?

Oh, that picture we've been trying to
get to for weeks,



with Marilyn Monroe.

Yeah, that might make me forget my
troubles.

Yeah, well, the Mertzes will be here
any minute.

Hurry up.

Hurry up and what?

Get dressed.

I'm dressed.

Well, honey, I've been working around
the house all day long.

You don't 'spect me to change

just to go to a neighborhood movie.

Ricky Ricardo, do you mean you'd
actually go to a movie

in that awful shirt and those
horrible, old pants?

Marilyn won't mind.

Besides, this is my best pair of blue
jins.

They may be your best blue "jins,"

but they're disgraceful.

And that shirt, it looks like

it came out of the rag bag.

It did.

I had an awful time finding it.

Must have gotten there by mistake.

That was no mistake.

I'm not stepping out of this house

with you in that outfit.

Aw, now, look, honey,

if we were going to go dancing or
something,

I'd say you had a point,

but who's going to see me?

We're going to walk two blocks down
to the theater,

sit in a dark movie and walk back.

Suppose we have an accident.

Ay-yi-yi.

Suppose a car hits you, and you're
knocked unconscious.

You stretched out in those horrible,
old clothes.

How's that going to look on the front
page?

Oh, brother!

Now, look, Lucy...

Are you going to change or are we
staying home?

Okay, I'll change.

Thank you.

Boy, the things I do for Marilyn
Monroe.

What shall I wear?

My tails or my tartan dinner jacket?

Just a suit and a tie,

and don't be so terribly amusing. Now
go on.

Yes, ma'am.

Hi.

Hi, girl.

Where's Fred?

He's coming.
Are you ready?

Yeah. Ricky will take a few minutes.

He's changing his clothes.

Honestly, Ethel, you should see the
beat-up old clothes

he wanted to wear.

You couldn't imagine

anybody would want to go out looking
like that.

Oh, yes, I could.

I don't know how you got Ricky to
change.

I couldn't do a thing with Raggedy
Andy.

What's the matter with these clothes?

They're comfortable.

Fred, if you wanted to be
comfortable,

I'm surprised you didn't go in your
pajamas and bathrobe.

Ah.

Oh, no, you don't.

Fred, Ricky is wearing a suit, a
shirt and a tie.

Now, how are you gonna feel?

Comfortable.

It's no use, Lucy.

You're beating your head against a
stone slob.

Yeah.

Ricky!

RICKY: I'll be there in a minute.

Honestly, I don't know what's taking
so long.

I guess he's having trouble

getting those old jeans off without
breaking them.

He's really attached to those pants,
isn't he?

Sometimes I think it's vice versa.

You know, he doesn't hang them up in
a closet,

he stands them up in the corner.

RICKY: Okay, I'm ready.

Come on, I'll get Mrs. Trumbull.

Just a minute!

Is he going to go that way?

Now, Ricky, it doesn't matter what
Fred does. Come on.

Well...

Come on, Little Lord Fauntleroy.

That does it!

LUCY: Now, Ricky!

Nobody's going to call me Little
Fraunterooey!

Oh...

Oh, and wasn't that a wonderful dress

she had on in the big number?

Oh, yeah.

Gee, I hadn't been to movies for so
long,

I'd forgotten how fattening they are.

Yep, once you start on that popcorn,
you're dead.

Too bad they don't make silent
popcorn.

I never heard a word of dialogue.

Me neither.

Any sign of them yet?

Yeah, here they come.

Are they still doing it?

No. They probably stopped

the minute we got out of sight.

Imagine walking along and poking in
trash cans

and shouting, "Any old bones, bottles
or rags!"

I... I could just kill those two
sometimes.

Well, we started it, walking along
ahead of them,

pretending not to know them.

Well, they deserved it.

Ethel, we are going to have to do
something about this.

Now, Lucy,

you're not getting another idea, are
you?

Yes, I am.

How long do you think those two
tramps

will go on wearing those old clothes?

Until they're condemned by the Board
of Health.

Exactly.

Or until they're worn so thin

that you can see through them

and they get arrested.

No, we are going to have to save them

from that terrible fate

and do away with all their old
clothes.

Oh, no, Lucy, they'd murder us.

It's the only way to keep from going
through life

with Rag Pickers, Incorporated.

Well, what do we have to do?

(laughing hysterically)

Oh, you should have seen

the look on your face.

Well, I didn't expect it.

What's the matter?
Did you get arrested for vagrancy?

Almost.

What?

Well, we were standing in the corner,
just talking...

And I took my hat off to scratch my
head...

And a woman dropped a dime in it.

Hi.

Hi.

How you doing?

Fine. You got all of Fred's old
clothes?

Yep. I took everything that wasn't
fit to wear

out of his closet, and you know what?

What?
The closet's empty.

(chuckles)

Listen, Ricky hasn't thrown anything
away

since before he came to this country.

You wouldn't believe how old some of
this stuff is.

No matter how old it is, Fred's is
older.

Oh, no.

Look at this.

Universidad de la Habana.

Well?

Ha!

You win.

Well, I'll call the secondhand man,

tell him to come and get this stuff.

Lucy, I'm worried.

So am I. I'm worried he may refuse
them.

No, I don't mean that.

Do you think we really ought to do
this?

Listen, Ricky's been promising me for
ages

he'd get rid of this stuff.

Well, so has Fred.

Well, we're just helping them

keep their promise in a painless sort
of way.

Do you think they'll believe our
story?

Certainly, it's the best story I ever
made up.

Now, what could be more logical?

We decided that if they wanted to
wear their old clothes,

we would clean them.

So, we soaked them in gasoline.

They just happened to get a little
close to the stove

and burned up.

They'd never suspect the truth.

Why not?

They'd never think we had the nerve

to sell their old clothes.

I hope you're right.

Here's one-- Allen's Used Clothing
Emporium.

All right, now I want to take this
number with everything--

the spotlight, I want to try the
microphone, the whole works--

just like it was tonight.

From the top, everybody.

(horn intro)

(trumpet solo)

Granada

Tierra sonaba por mi

Mi cantar se vuelve gitano cuando es
para ti

Mi cantar, hecho de fantasia

Mi cantar, lo de la melancolia

Que yo te vengo a dar.

Granada tierra ensangrentadas en
tardes de toro

Mujer que conserva el embrujo de los
ojos moros

De sueno rebelde y gitana cubierta de
flores

Y beso tu boca de grana

Jugosa manzana que me habla de
amor...

Granada manola cantada en coplas
preciosas

No tengo otra cosa que darte que un
ramo de rosas

De rosas de suave fragancia

Que le dieran marco a la virgen
morena

Granada

Tu tierra esta llena de lindas
mujeres

De sangre y de sol.

Olé!

Okay, boys, we'll take the last few
bars in a couple of minutes.

(phone rings)
Just take a little rest.

Hello.

I'd like to speak to Mr. Ricardo,
please.

This is Mr. Ricardo.

This is Zeb Allen, Allen's Used
Clothes Emporium.

Who? What?

I thought you might be interested to
know

that I just got in a hot shipment of
old clothes.

Look, you must have the wrong
Ricardo.

This is Ricky Ricardo.

I know it.

Well, what makes you think

that I'd be interested in old
clothes?

Because they're yours.

What?

They're mine?!

Yes, sir.
I just came from your house.

Your wife was throwing old clothes
out of the front door

faster than I could pick them up.

Looked like an explosion at the
laundry.

I don't believe it.

Well, I'll tell you what I've got
here.

Here's one plaid flannel shirt--

blue and gray, soft and
comfortable-looking

and not quite through

at the elbows.

No.

Then there's a sweater here

with a big "H" on the front of it

and some foreign writing on the back.

Oh, no.

Now, uh, how would you like to get
these clothes back?

Oh, I-I sure would.

Now, listen, you'll make

a profit on the deal, don't worry.

Don't you worry.

What?

Well, buying men's old clothes from
their wives

is a tidy little business, but I make
my real money

selling them back to the husbands.

Ah, I see.

Well, okay, I'll come down.

Where are you?

Third Avenue and 32nd Street.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Ricky...

Mi mujer me ha hecho lo peor

que nunca me ha hecho a mi.

¿Que paso?

Lucy me vendio toda mi ropa vieja.

Que barbaridad.

Mira, que tiene vender la ropa...

Hey, Rick, Ethel sold all my old
clothes

to a secondhand man.

Lucy tambien la vendio toda mi ropa
mia

a Allen's Used Clothing Emporium
alli.

That's the place.

¿Tu sabes? Me vendio la camisa de
flanela mia

que estaba un poquito aqui por los
codos

pero estaba bueno todavia

y el sueter mio que tenia la "H"

de la Universidad de Habana me lo
vendio.

She even sold the sweater

I won in the Golden Gloves.

Ay-yi-yi.

¿Mira que son sin verguenza, eh?

You can say that again.
Hmm!

I'm going over there and get mine
back.

Esperate que voy contigo.

Adios, Alberto.

Adios, Ricky.
Adios, Fred.

Come on, friend.

Hey, wait, Rick!

What do you know about that?

I've been talking Spanish.

Come on. Let's get over there and get
this stuff.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
What?

I got an idea.

I'll go get our clothes back.

You go to a good clothing store, you
know,

and get some, uh...
empty suit boxes.

What for?

To put our old clothes in.

Our old clothes?
Yeah.

I don't get it.

You will. Here's what we do, look...

Honey, I'm home!

Well, darling, how's my Cuban dynamo?

Fine.

Oh, Brooks Brothers!

Ricky, you bought some new clothes.

Yep, I bought them, all right.

Oh, well, that's just wonderful.

Sort of a coincidence, too.

Coincidence?

Yes, uh, because I have

some dreadful news to tell you

about your old clothes.

Oh, really?
What is that?

Well, uh, today, I got feeling guilty
about last night.

After all, if you want to wear
comfortable, old clothes,

I should let you, so long as they're
clean.

Yes.

And Ethel felt the same way about
Fred's, too,

so we got out all your old clothes

and started to clean them.

Oh, that was very nice.

Yes.

Uh, well, uh, you know how easily

gasoline catches fire.

Oh, you didn't use gasoline?

Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

I goofed.

Uh... somehow or other,

they got too close to the stove,

and the first thing I knew...

Poof! All your clothes burst into
flame.

Oh, my goodness!

And Fred's, too.

Fred's, too?!

Uh-huh. All that was left was just
some little old ashes.

Just ashes. Worn-out ashes.

I guess you're pretty upset, huh,
honey?

No, no. You know, it's one of those
things

that can happen to anybody.

Aw, Ricky, you're so understanding.

It's so wonderful to be married

to such a sweet, kind and
understanding man.

(chuckling)

Thank you.

Uh... I'd like to show you

what I bought now, okay?

Okay.

Eww...

Well, what do you think?

They sure did a good job

of sewing those ashes back together.

Lucy, I bought these from a man.

A man named Allen.

Well, what luck, finding a set of
clothes

just like the ones that burned.

Yeah, how about that?

Yeah, well, too bad we haven't got
the other set.

We could sort of dress alike in
father and mother bum suits.

(weak chuckle)

I am not amused.

No, I didn't think you would be.

And furdermore...

"Furdermore," what?

Furthermore, I don't want you

to ever give away, sell or get rid of

my old clothes without my permission.

Yes, sir.

Imagine selling this swell shirt.

Hi, Rick!

Hiya, Fred!

How do you like my shirt, huh?

Oh, that's real snappy.

How do you like this sweater?

Oh, that's dandy, boy, that's
beautiful.

You won't believe it.
Only this morning

this thing was in a terrible fire.

Is that so?

FRED: Yeah.

RICKY: Oh, my!

(Ricky and Fred laugh)

What are you gonna do?

(laughter continues)

All right, in a couple of minutes,

we'll take that big mambo number,
huh?

Well, Ricky, I got to be going.

Oh, stick around, Fred.

I've been here most of the afternoon.

Ethel says if I keep hanging around
your rehearsal,

you'll have to put me on the payroll.

Well, wait till we do the big mambo
number.

You mean the one with the gals in it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Only this time

I'm only rehearsing the orchestra.

On second thought,

I've got to get out of here.

JERRY: Hi, Ricky.

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Hi, Jerry.

I got great news.

Publicity, I hope.

Oh, yes, sir.

I have just arranged to have you
named

one of the ten best-dressed men in
our country.

What?

You're gonna get an award for being

one of the ten best-dressed men in
our nation.

One of the ten...

(cracking up)

Oh, no!

Wait, what's so funny?

I thought you'd be pleased.

(laughing): One of the ten
best-dressed...

I heard him.

All right, so it's not the Academy
Award.

I don't think it's that funny.

I'm sorry, Jerry.

It's just that our wives have been
riding us

because they don't like the way we
dress.

Oh, oh, that's it.

Well, now listen, here's what's gonna
to happen.

Tonight just before the show,

some big shots are gonna come down

to present you with the award

and take some pictures, okay?

Wonderful.

Oh, Lucy will die when she finds out.

So will Ethel.

Oh, gee, Fred, I wish there was some
way

that I could get you on that list.

Hey, now, wait a minute, Ricky.

I know I'm a good publicity man,

but I'm not that good.

Well!

Hey, I know what.

I can tell them

that Fred is my fashion consultant.

Him?

Me?

Yeah. Why not?

Well, I suppose it'd be all right.

Okay, I'll be back here at 7:00
tonight

with the photographer.

Okay. Bye.
Okay. See you later, boys.

So long, Jerry.

(chuckles)

Hey, let's call the girls and tell
them, huh?

Yeah.

Gosh, it'd be great if we could
surprise them.

That's a wonderful idea!

What is?

You know, sometimes

I think you're much brighter than you
look.

What did I say?

Come on, now, let me in on it.

We'll surprise the girls.

You mean wait

and let them read it in the papers?

No, no, no. We'll ask them to come
down here

and have dinner with us tonight.

We won't tell them what for.

And then we'll just watch their faces

as they see us accept the award.

Good.

That's the best idea I ever had.

Yeah.

We'll sit in our play pen for a
while, that's what we'll do.

(phone rings)
Sit down and play with that big bug.

Mama answers the telephone.

Sit down there and play with that.

Play with it.

Hello.

Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, darling.

Listen, how would you and Ethel

like to come down and have dinner

with Fred and me tonight?

Oh, gee, I have dinner on the stove.

Well, take it off. We'll have it for
breakfast.

Spaghetti?

Oh... well, it'll keep.

What's the occasion?

Nothing.

We just, uh, we just thought it'd be
nice.

Well, gee, I don't know

if I can get Mrs. Trumbull to take
care of the baby.

Oh, sure, you can.

Well, come on.
What's it all about?

Nothing, honey.

Lucy, can I have a cup of sugar?

Wait a minute. Ethel's here.

You want to go downtown and have
dinner with the boys?

Yes.

What boys?

Fred and Ricky.

Oh... yeah.

All right, dear.

Now, listen, you get all dolled up

and be here at 7:00 tonight, okay?

Fine.

I'll see you later.

All right, dear.

Bye.
Bye.

What's the occasion?

I don't know.
He says it's nothing,

but he wants us to get all dolled up,

so it must be something special.

Let's don't take any chances.

I'll wear my blue crepe.

What are you gonna wear?

Lucy?

Hmm?

What are you gonna wear?

Ethel, how much courage have you got?

None.

Come on, now, I've got an idea.

No, no, I'm a coward.
I can't even wear purple

'cause it clashes with the stripe
down my back.

Now, Ethel, you haven't even heard
the idea yet.

I don't want to hear it.

Let this be one idea that you keep a
secret.

Just keep a...
Ethel, listen to me.

This is one time we can get even with
these characters.

Now, sit down, girl.

Listen to me...

Does that do it, Bill?

Well, I'd like one with the wives in
it.

Well, they'll be here any minute. Can
you wait?

Sure.

I'll get some more flashbulbs.

And I want to talk...

This is a wonderful thing.

ETHEL: Fred!

LUCY: Ricky!
Fred!

Oh, here they come.

Will you excuse us, please?

Come in, yes.

Pretend you don't know them.

Hi, fellas.
Where are we?

Are we late?

Who are these people?

I don't know, sir, but I'll take care
of them.

Now, now, look here, my good men,

I don't know how you got in here, but
you have to leave.

Leave? After we got all dressed up
for dinner?

Why, certainly, these are good movie
clothes,

they must be good dinner clothes.

Now, look, I'll give you a dime for a
cup of coffee.

Now scram.
Come on.

Could you give me a dollar for a cup
of coffee?

I'm a big tipper.

(guffawing)

Whoo-hoo.

Ho-ho.

Hee-hee. Hoo-hoo.

Ha-ha.
Hoo-hoo.

Who are they?

I never saw them before in my whole
life.

Neither did I.

What do you mean you never saw us
before?

I'm Mrs. Ricardo, and this is Mrs.
Mertz.

How do you do?

Oh, well!
How do you do?

What's that camera for?

Wait a minute.
You don't want to use that picture.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh, yes, I do.

Gentlemen...

Jerry, do something.

JERRY: Yes, I-I've got to...

What happened?

What's that camera for?

Well, you really fixed yourself up
good this time.

What do you mean?

What happened?
What's that camera for?

You'll see it in the papers with a
story.

What story? What happ...
What's that picture for?

It'll be in all the morning papers,

and the caption will probably read:

"Fred Mertz, fashion consultant

"and his client, Ricky Ricardo,

"who has just been named

"one of the ten best-dressed men in
America

and their wives."

(screaming)

(yelling)

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.

ANNOUNCER 2: This is the CBS
Television Network.