I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 11 - Lucy Has Her Eyes Examined - full transcript

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

(beating out a conga rhythm)

(conga rhythm continuing)

All right, hold it, hold it, hold it,

hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Listen, I don't know, I think

that something in there doesn't sound
right.

Will you play it alone, Alberto?

Okay.

Sounds all right now.

I guess it's me.



(phone rings)

We'll take it over in a couple of
minutes.

Hello.

Hi, dear.

Oh, hello, honey.

How are you, dear?

Do you still have your headache?

Yeah, I still have it.

Oh...

I wish I knew what was causing it.

Oh, haven't you got any idea?

Could it be something down there at
the club?

No.

No. Everything is real peaceful down
here.



Oh, you know what I think?

I think it's your eyes.

Aah...

Don't "aah" me now, Ricky.

You promise me you'll go and have
your eyes examined.

Oh, honey, I got a lot of work to do.

Now, Ricky, you promise me.

All right, all right.

All right, dear, bye-bye.

Good-bye.

Ricky!

Bill Parker!

Hiya. Good to see you.

How are you, boy?

Glad to see you.

I read in Variety that you were in
town.

You going to produce a Broadway show,
huh?

Yes. Till the pictures make up their
mind,

I'm going back to the theater.

Well, good.

Say, uh...

are you going to let me try for the
lead?

Well, I would, Ricky,

but you're not exactly the type for
an English professor.

Oh, you mean my accent?

Yeah.

Oh, that's a phony.

Sure...

you know, people think that I really
talk this way,

but I dun't.

You "dun't," huh?

No...

Well, I'll keep you in mind.
Okay.

Say, uh, I have a little problem.

The theater that I've been using for
my auditions

has been taken over by a TV show.

You suppose I could use your club for
just a couple of days?

Why, sure, Bill, anything you want at
all.

Hey, how about having dinner with us
tonight?

Wonderful!
Like to meet your wife.

That's right, you haven't met Lucy,
have you?

Not yet.

Okay, I'll call her.

You know, it'll be a pleasure

to spend an evening with some folks

who aren't trying to audition for my
show.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Uh, look, uh...

if you want to spend a real pleasant
evening,

I'd better introduce you

as Bill Parker, an old friend of
mine,

and not mention anything

about your connections with show
business.

Has your wife got aspirations?

No, no, she's feeling all right.

It's, uh...

just that sh-she wants to get in show
business.

I see.

Well, I'll call her and tell her

that you're just an old friend of
mine.

Now, we won't say what kind of
business you're in.

Okay, Ricky.

Lucy, have you seen Fred?

No, honey, I haven't.

Listen, I want to ask you something.

Uh, Lucy, have you seen Ethel?

Oh, there you are.

Oh, there you are.

Where have you been?

I've been looking for you.

Where have you been?

I've been looking for you.

Where have you been?

I've been looking...

Oh, now, wait a minute.

You found each other.

Now go on from there.

What do you want?

I want you to tell you to be sure and
sandpaper

that new bannister you put in

before some idiot runs his hand down
and picks up a splinter.

What did you want?

I was wondering if you'd help me

get this splinter out of my hand.

Oh, fine.
Come on.

Hey, Ethel, wait a minute,

I want to know if I can borrow your
big roaster.

Sure. You having company?

Well, Ricky said

he was bringing home an old pal, a
Bill... Parker.

I wonder if that could be William
Parker?

You mean the William Parker?

Well, he said his name was Bill.

Who's William Parker?

"Who's William Parker?" "Who's
William Parker?"

Where's your Variety?

Yeah, where's the Va...

Right there.

Oh, there was something about him

right there today, wasn't there?

Yes...
Yes, there it is, there it is.

(chuckles)

"Who's William Parker?"

Read this.

This?
Yeah.

"Parker preps prod for Pitt prem."

"Parker preps prod for Pitt prem...
prem."

Well?

Who's William Parker?

Well, the headline is a little
confusing,

but read the article.

"William Parker"-- that much I
understand--

"William Parker, formerly legit prod,
currently top pic exec

seeks thesps for flesh tuner."

Oh...

Ethel, come here.

(loudly): Who's William Parker?

Oh.

Oh, that's Variety talk.

They have their own way of saying
things, see?

That's for sure.

"Parker preps prod for Pitt prem."

Mm-hmm.

That means "Parker prepares
production

for Pittsburgh premiere."

No kidding?
Uh-huh.

And the rest of it means

that he's a big shot from pictures

who is auditioning for a musical

that he's going to produce.

And he's coming here to dinner!

Well, gather round, friends, we have
plans to make.

I'm ready.
What time is it, dear?

It's a quarter to.

Well, they ought to be here any
minute.

Now, remember, we're gonna make it

seem real casual and natural.

Are you sure you can get rid of
Ricky?

You just leave that to me, girl.

RICKY: Here we are, Bill.

Well, hi, everybody.

Hi, dear.
Bill, I want you to meet my wife,
Lucy.

How do you do, Mr. Parker?

How do you do?
Bill Parker.

Very nice to know you.

And this is Mr.
and Mrs. Mertz.
Bill Parker.

Hello, Mr. Parker.
How do you do?

Fred and Ethel will stay for dinner,
dear.

Oh, that's good.
Fine.

Sit down, Bill.
Make yourself at home.

Here, give it to me.

Sit right here, Mr. Parker.

Thank you.

Uh, what did the eye doctor say,
dear?

Oh, I forgot.

Oh, now, you didn't.

Will you promise me you'll go
tomorrow?

Okay, dear, I will.

He's been having splitting headaches.
Oh?

Listen, dear, would you do me a
great, big favor

and run down to the corner drugstore

and get me some ice cream?

Oh, we don't have to have ice cream.

Oh, please, now, dear, I didn't have
time

to make any dessert, Mr. Parker.

Please, dear?

All right. Will you excuse me?

He'll be right back.

Listen, dear, get me a quart of
vanilla

and have them pack it in that special
packing...

Vanilla?
Yes, honey.

In that special packing.

(piano note plays)

There's no business like show
business

Like no business I know

Everything about it is appealing

Everything the traffic will allow

Nowhere can you get that happy
feeling

When you are stealing that extra bow.

There's no people like show people

They smile when they are low

Even with a turkey that you know will
fold

You may get stranded out in the cold

But you wouldn't change it for a
stack of gold

Let's go on with the show.

There's no business like show
business

Like no business I know

ETHEL: Everything about it is
appealing

Everything the traffic will allow

Nowhere can you get that happy
feeling

ALL: When you are stealing that extra
bow.

There's no people like show people

Like no...

Oh...

How did you get back so quickly,
dear?

Mrs. Benson gave me some ice cream
from her freezer.

LUCY: Oh.

I'm sorry, Bill.

That's all right, Ricky.

How did you find out who I was?

Oh, we know who's who in show
business, Mr. Parker.

We know all about you prepping for
your Pitt prem.

Looks like Variety double-crossed me.

Are you mad, sir?
No.

Oh, well, that's good because we
haven't finished yet.

You sit down now, Ricky, and you can
see the...

you can see the last of our act.

I've seen the last of your act.

Oh, now, honey.

That isn't fair!

Well, I suppose that you call it fair

to send me out on a wild-duck chase

for some ice cream that you don't
need

just so you can audition behind my
back.

Is that what you call fair?

Goose.

What?

Wild-goose chase.

I don't care what kind of a chase you
call it.

Well...
You know what I'm talking about.

Look, kids, I got an idea.

I'll make a deal with you.

If it's all right with Ricky,

let me forget business for tonight,
huh? And tomorrow,

tomorrow you can all come down and
audition for me. How's that?

Oh, Ricky, did you hear what he said,
huh?

Huh, Ricky, huh?

Okay. I guess it's Bill's business

if he wants to waste his time on you.

Oh, that's great! Oh...

Mr. Parker, what kind of a show are
you doing?

Well, it's a college musical.

It's called The Professor and the
Co-ed.

Say, you folks, you would be
wonderful for the alumni scene.

Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Parker.

Oh, well, what can I do?

Can you dance?

Can I dance!

Can you jitterbug?

Can I jitterbug!

Can you put dinner on the table?

Can I put dinner on...

Oh, yeah.

Lucy.
Yeah?

Have you still got that hat you wore

when you did the Charleston down at
the club?

Yeah. You want it?

Yeah. We're doing the varsity drag

for our number-- you know, wear those
1920 clothes.

Fred's digging stuff out of his
costume trunk.

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Gee, I hope my jitterbug number comes
off all right.

Do you know how to jitterbug?

Well, I will as soon as my teacher
gets here.

You can't learn jitterbugging from a
teacher.

It's something you pick up in school,
like measles.

Well, all I know is, Ricky's agent
said

he was sending somebody down here

that could teach me how to jitterbug.

That's all I know.

I think that thing is in here.

Yeah, here it is.
Yeah...

(chuckles)

Ain't I the cat's pajamas?

Oh, you're the snake's hips.

Let me see how I look in it.

Be my guest.

That's a real razzmatazz, isn't it?

Oh, I feel just like a flapper again.

Well, call me a taxi!

(guffawing)

(door buzzer sounds)

Oh, that must be my teacher.

Will you open the door for him?

Yeah.

I'm looking for Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, I'm Mrs. Ricardo.

Crazy, baby!

Pardon?

I'm Arthur "King Cat" Walsh.

Oh, how do you do?

This is my friend, Mrs. Mertz.

This is "King Cat" Walsh.

How do you do?

Man, what's the chick got on her
head?

Oh, that's a hat like flappers used
to wear.

Man, that's cool!

Well, thanks.

I think.

Do you think you could teach me

how to jitterbug?

Hang on, baby, here we go!

Oh!

Whoa!

Man, this is crazy!

De de dum

Nyep dum dum dum

De de nyet de de dien dien.

Dig this crazy dancing bear!

What?

Fred, this is "King Cat" Walsh,

my dancing instructor,

This is Fred Mertz, King Cat.

How are ya?

Man, that's the coolest!

Coolest?

Man, it's the hottest!

You got some strange cats around
here!

Yeah.
FRED: Come on, Ethel.

Let's us cats creep on out of here.

You don't think you're gonna wear

that big, heavy, old coat

doing the varsity drag, do you?

That coat's a gasser!

Uh, yeah, well...

I have a record here.

I hope it's all right.

Uh, let's see now.

("Stomping At The Savoy" playing)

Is that all right?

Frantic, man, frantic!

Let's drag it, baby!

Just follow me.

(snapping fingers)

Whoa!

(band playing "Stomping At The
Savoy")

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

RICKY: Hey!

Oh, you were just wonderful!

My golly, Lucy!

Pretty good, pretty good.

"Pretty good"?

Say, Dad, this cat's real nervous!

Oh, man, you're the craziest!

And you're a gasser!

LUCY: You're the mostest!

Hmm! And people say I'm hard to
understand.

Mr. Parker, can we be in your show?
Can we, can we?

And what about us?

Yeah, can you use our act?

Give us the message, man!
Yeah.

Well, I don't know.

Ricky, is there any way I can arrange

to see them work in front of an
audience?

Nope.

Oh, Ricky, why can't we

work right here tonight?

No, sir.

First up, Daddy-O, give us the real
reason!

Yeah. Come on.
Come on, Rick, what's the harm?

Come on.
Come on.

You heard what the man said.

He said we could dance up a storm.

He thinks we're real wiggy, man.

Yeah.

Now, look, wait a minute.

First place, I'm not running

an amateur night in here.

And in the second place,

you're starting to give me a headache
again.

ETHEL: Oh, Rick, come on, now.

Ricky, just...

Didn't you go to see the eye doctor?

No.

Oh, Ricky, now you're gonna go

right this minute. Come on.

Now wait a minute.
What about our act?

Do we get to go on tonight?

Yeah, Ricky, what about...

Let's put them on tonight.

I'd like to get audience reaction.

All right, Bill, if that's what you
want.

We'll put them on.

Oh, that's fine!

Yes, great.

Oh, thank you.

Now open wide.

Wider.

Wider.

Oh, Grandma, what big eyes you have.

Oh, Lucy, you're making me nervous.

Now sit down.

Oh, all right.

Now look up.

Now look down.

Uh-huh.

Now follow my finger, please.

All right, watch it carefully.

Uh-huh.

Well, how is it, Doc?

Oh, I haven't completed my
examination yet.

Oh.
Would you please turn and face the
wall?

Yes, sir.

Now, do you see that chart?

(laughing)

What's so funny?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just thinking

about a television show I saw the
other night,

and the eye doctor said to the
patient,

"Do you see that chart?"

And the patient said, "What chart?"

And... and the doctor said, "The
chart on the wall."

And the patient said, "What wall?"

(laughing loudly)

How are his eyes, Doctor?

Could you read the first line,
please?

RICKY: "E."

That's right.

Oh.

Next line, please.

"F, P."

Could you read the fourth line,
please?

"L, P, E, D."

Oh, Ricky.

You see, it is your eyes, darling.

That's a "B," not an "E."

Looks like an "E" to me.

Read the next line, please.

"P, E, C, F, D."

"P, E, C, F, D"!

Oh, my poor baby.

What's the matter?

That isn't "P, E, C, F, D".

That's "F, E, O, P, B".

That's "P, E, C, F, D"!

Ah, well, this is just the
stubbornest man

in the world, Doctor.

Go ahead, tell him how bad his eyes
really are.

Mr. Ricardo, your eyes are perfectly
normal.

You see, darling, you wouldn't
believe me...

What?!

I said your husband's vision was
perfectly normal.

Well, how can you say that?

What about that line?

He said it was "P, E, C, F, D."

Anybody can see that it's "P, E, C,
F..."

Eww.

"...D."

That'll be all for you, Mr. Ricardo.

Thank you, sir.

Come here, Mrs. Ricardo.

Me?

Come here.

No.

Come on.

No, I don't wanna.

Come on, Lucy.

Do what the doctor says.

Come here.

What's the matter, can't you see the
chair?

Yes, I can see the chair.

What are you going to do?

I just want to have a look at your
eyes.

You don't have to worry about your
eyes, Mr. Ricardo.

Just stop working so hard

and those headaches will disappear.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Listen, honey, I got to go down to
the club,

so I'll see you later.

All right, bye.
Good-bye.

Good-bye, Doctor.
Good-bye.

What did you put in my eyes?

Oh, just some drops to relax them.

They'll take effect in about 20
minute...

Oh, my goodness.

What's the matter?

What?

I've never known those drops

to work so quickly before.

You must be very sensitive to them.

Really?
Oh, yes.

Your vision will be quite blurred for
several hours.

Oh, no, no!

It can't be!
I have to dance tonight.

You got to take the drops out.

Get them out!

You can't squeeze them out, Mrs.
Ricardo.

But you have nothing to worry about.

Here, here, look at me. Look at me.

Now, your vision won't be any more
blurred

than I look right now.

Oh, no!

Hi, Lucy, what did the doctor say?

Oh, Ethel, gee.

Guess what happened

You'll never know what...

Hey, what's the matter with you?

What? Ethel, what happened?
Where are you?

I'm over here, Miss Magoo.

Oh. Oh, Ethel,

guess what happened.

What's the matter?

Ricky's eyes were all right,

but the doctor said he wanted to
examine mine

and the first thing I knew, he put
drops in them.

You mean he dilated them?

Yeah, and I-I'm just... hoping

that I'll be able to dance tonight.

Oh, you'd better cancel it.

Oh, but Ethel, I can't, I can't!

There's nothing else to do.

But-but-but I've worked so hard on my
number.

I've just got to do it.

No, you'd better cancel it.

Ethel, I can't, I just can't.

Listen...

Oh, Ethel.

I don't know how you're gonna dance
if you can't see.

Listen, listen, I'm going in to
change my clothes,

and you take me down there in a taxi.

Here, here, here.

This way.

(trumpets play a fanfare)

(applause)

Thank you.

(applause continues)

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you and good evening.

Welcome to the Tropicana.

We have a wonderful surprise for you
tonight.

A very good friend of mine is
preparing a Broadway show,

and he's here tonight.

First of all, I'd like you to meet
him-- Mr. Bill Parker.

Bill, take a bow there.

(applause)

Thank you, Bill.

Well, Bill asked me to let a couple
of acts

that he's going to, uh, perhaps use
in the show,

he wants them to try out here
tonight.

So, first of all, we're going to
bring to you

two people that are going to be part
of the alumni,

and they're playing the part of the
alumni

that comes back from the
homcomming...

homcoming...

Well, that's as close as I can get to
that one.

Anyway, here they are--

Fred and Ethel Mertz.

(band playing "The Varsity Drag")

Here is the drag, see how it goes

Down on your heels, up on your toes

That's the way they do the varsity
drag

Bo-de-oh-de-oh-do.

Hotter than hot, newer than new

Meaner than mean, bluer than blue

Gets you more applause than waving
the flag

Poop-poop-pee-doo

You can pass many a class

Whether you're dumb or wise

Oh!

If you're called, answer the call

When your professor cries

Everybody

Down on your heels, up on your toes

Stay after school, see how it goes

Everybody do the varsity

Everybody do the varsity

Everybody do the varsity drag

Poop-poop-pee-doo!

(applause)

How about that?

(applause)

Fred and Ethel Mertz!

Very good.

Well, that was very good, eh, Bill?

And now for the next act

trying out for Mr. Parker's show,

we'd like to present to you Lucille
McGillicuddy...

...and her partner, "King Cat" Walsh,

or, as they're better known, "The
Jitterbugs."

Here they go!

(band playing "Stomping at the
Savoy")

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.

ANNOUNCER 2: This is the CBS
Television Network.