I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 31 - The Sublease - full transcript

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

Honey, did you call the Mertzes?

Yeah. They said they'd be right over.

Good. (doorbell buzzing)

Well, there they are.

Wait till you tell them.

Hi.
Hi!

What did you want to see us about?

Yeah. What's going on?

We have a big surprise for you.

Tell them, honey.



Ricky's band has been booked

into a big, beautiful summer resort
in Maine

for two whole months.

Won't that be a wonderful vacation?

Oh, boy! Are you and the baby going,
too?

Sure.
Yeah.

Oh, gee, it must be great to leave
this hot city

in the middle of summer and go to a
place like that.

Two whole months.

Isn't that sheer heaven?

Boy, what a deal.

RICKY: Isn't that really great?

Oh, I don't know what I'll do

with you gone for two months.



Oh...

Well, at least the kitchen door

and your tongue will both get a
little rest.

ETHEL: Oh, Fred, now, Fred...

Gee, I hope the baby doesn't forget
us.

Oh, Ethel, don't be silly.

Well, they forget awful fast, you
know.

LUCY: Well, not in that length of
time.

Just think-- you've lived here 12
years.

This is the first time we've ever
really been separated.

That's right.

Yeah, it'll be a little

lonesome around here all right.

What are you talking about?

You coming up to visit us.

Huh?
Why, certainly.

You don't think we were gonna stand

being away from our very best friends

for two whole months, do you?

No, sir. You coming up as our guests.

Oh, Ricky, I don't think we could...

Now, you're coming up or we're not
going.

That's right.

Honestly, you're just about

the nicest, most unselfish people
I've ever known.

Well, why shouldn't we be nice to two
of the sweetest,

most wonderful people in the whole
world?

ETHEL: Aw...

Fred, do you ever have the feeling

that you were sitting in the middle
of a hot fudge sundae?

Ha, ha, ha!

Yeah. They're pretty sticky, aren't
they?

Well, you can laugh if you want to,

but it's gonna seem awful strange

having this apartment empty all
summer.

Well, we got another surprise for
you.

Yup!

This apartment is not going to be
empty all summer.

It isn't?

No.
Yes, sir.

I think that we're gonna be able to
sublet it.

Well, good.
Oh, Rick, that's fine.

You know, I started thinking about
it,

I said, "Gee, it's a pretty tough rap

paying 125 bucks a month

when we're not gonna be here for a
couple of months.

Yeah, and I'd feel guilty taking it
from you.

Well, I thought you would, Fred, so I
went to see

the real estate agent, you know, Mrs.
Hammond,

and she said she's sure she can rent
it for us.

Well, that's great. Fine.
Oh, boy, that's really great.

As a matter of fact,

she said that she could get me $300 a
month for it.

$300 a month!

Isn't that wonderful...?

What's the matter?

Fred, what's the matter?

Well, you only pay us $125 a month
rent.

Now, do you think it's fair for you
to make money

on our apartment?

Well, Fred, I thought you'd be happy

that we could make a little money.

Yeah.

After all, we got a lease.

We're living up to our lease.

As long as you get $125 a month, it's
fair.

Well, it might be fair, but it's
lousy.

Now, wait a minute.

Don't make it look like we're wrong.

You're getting the best of the deal.

What?!

What are you talking about?

Well, now, suppose that the boot was
on the other hand.

How about that?

Suppose that-that I could only get
$50 a month.

Would you give me $75 back?

Of course not.

There you are-- our friends.

We're losing $75 a month,

and they wouldn't

help us that much.
Yeah.

Oh, now, just a minute.

This is an entirely different
proposition.

Yeah!

Why?

Why?

Because you're getting $300 a month.

Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that
way about it, old man,

but I don't think there's anything
you can do about it.

Oh, isn't there?

No, sir. We have a lease.

The lease says that we have the right
to sublet.

Honey, where is the lease?

Right here.

Thank you.
Pardon me, please.

Pardon me.

Here it is, dear.

Pardon me, please.

Thank you.
Here you are.

Think you're playing with kids? Hmm!

Here it is.

"The lessee has the right

to sublet the apartment in
question..."

The lessee-- that's us,

and this is the apartment in
question.

Ha-ha!

Read on. Read on.

"The lessee has the right

"to sublet the apartment in question

with the... with the approval of the
lessor."

And that's us-- Mr.
And Mrs. Fred Lessor.

Well, what do you say to that,
Minnehaha?

Well, I don't see how that changes
anything.

We-well, you certainly have to
approve

somebody we bring in here.

Oh, we... will?

Oh, now, don't tell me that you're
going to turn down

everybody that we try to rent this
apartment to, are you?

Well, honestly, what a couple of
stinkers!

Oh, a few minutes ago, she said we
were

the sweetest, most wonderful people.

Yeah, let's get out of here, Ethel.

Okay.

Well, honey...

Have a nice time in Maine.

Have a nice, hot, sticky summer!

No matter how hot it gets, it'll be
sheer heaven

so long as you are not here.

(door slamming)

Oh, hello, Mrs. Hammond.

Well, look, Mrs. Hammond,

there's no use bringing anybody else
over here

to look at the apartment.

The Mertzes have turned down the last
six couples.

Well, just a minute.

Mrs. Hammond, she wants to show the
apartment again.

She said she has a very lovely
couple.

Why bother? The Mertzes wouldn't even
approve Ike and Mamie.

Well, she said she's sure they'll
approve these people.

Well, what have we got to lose?

Okay. Bring them over, Mrs. Hammond.

Thanks. Good-bye.

I wonder why she thinks they'll
approve these people.

I don't know.
What's the difference?

We're leaving tonight anyway.

Yeah.
(doorbell buzzing)

I'll get it, dear.

Oh, Mrs. Hammond!

How did you get here so soon?

Oh, I was in the neighborhood when I
phoned.

Won't you come in?

(humming)

What are you doing here?

Oh, we came over to see if

we approve of the couple

who are subletting the apartment.

Oh. Where are they, Mrs. Hammond?

There they are.

What?!

Fred, do you approve of me?

Yes. Ethel, do you approve of me?

Yes.

We approve of us.

Well, really.

I don't get it.

Mrs. Hammond, what's going on here?

Well, I think that the Mertzes

are going to sublease your apartment

and sub-sublet it to someone else.

Oh, they're trying to make us look at
this thing

through a sweater.

Oh, you mean they're trying

to pull the wool over our eyes?

Yeah.

Well, just forget the whole deal.

The... the apartment will just stay
empty

for the whole summer.

Yeah.
Okay.

Okay.
Come on, Fred.

Good-bye.

Just a minute, please.

May I make a suggestion?

What?

Well, I've rented apartments in this
building

for my clients for a long time,

and every time I've been here,

I've been struck by the wonderful
friendship

between you two couples.

Well, you're just devoted to each
other.

I'll bet you've been best friends for
ten years.

Twelve.

Yeah.

Thirteen.

No, it's 12.

Well, now, the important thing is

that I don't want to see it end,

and I don't think you do either.

Now, look, here's the idea:

You're paying $125 a month for the
apartment,

and I know that I can get you $300 a
month,

so why don't you let me find you a
nice tenant,

and you can split the profit between
you?

Okay?

Okay?

Okay, Fred?

Okay.

Oh!
(laughing)

Oh, I'm so glad.

I'm glad that's over.

Thank you, Mrs. Hammond.

Oh, this would have taken

a lot longer without you.
Yeah.

I was just trying to protect my
commission.

(all laughing)

Good-bye. See you.
Thank you, Mrs. Hammond.

Good-bye, dear.
Good-bye, Mrs. Hammond.

Thank you very much.
Bye.

Aw, wasn't that sweet of her?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, Rick, whatever gave you the idea

that you two have been living here 13
years?

Yeah, it's only 12.

Yeah, it's only 12, dear.

Now, wait a minute.

We moved here when we got married,

and we got married, Lucy was 22 years
old.

How old are you now, honey?

Oh. How do you like that?

We've only lived here six years.

Lucy, can I help you?

Oh. No, I'm all finished.

Come on in.

I really only wanted to come over and
talk anyway.

I'm so glad we made up.

So am I.

Wasn't that silly?
It always is.

(doorbell buzzing)
Yeah.

Oh, Mrs. Hammond, you're back
already?

I rented your apartment.

No kidding!

Really, I did.

To a Mr. Beecher for $300.

$300!
Oh, $300...

Sit down, dear.
Oh, that's great.

Wh-Where is he?

Well, I phoned him to meet me here.

In the meantime, I want to tell you
something about him.

What's the matter with him?

Nothing, but he-he is really a shy,
little man.

He was a witness on a murder trial.

He's been in court for months,

and his nerves are all shot.

Oh...
Mm-hmm.

All he wants is a nice, quiet place

where no one can find him,

where he can rest and get control of
his nerves.

Oh, well, he'll like it here.

Oh, yes.
(knock at door)

Gee, this is fine.

Did you hear something?

Uh-uh.

Thought I heard a knock.

(faint knocking)

Yeah.

Maybe it's Mr. Beecher.

All right.

Mr. Beecher?

Mr. Beecher?

Mr. Beecher.

Oh, come on in.

This is the right place.

Now, this is Mrs. Ricardo

and Mrs. Mertz

and this is Mr. Beecher.

How do you do?
How do you do?

Mr. Beecher, I've told them

that you want a nice, quiet place,

and I'm sure that you'll find this
just perfect.

I don't hear a thing.

Oh, no, it's nice and quiet.

Sometimes it's so quiet, I think
everybody else

in the apartment house is dead.

Uh, what she means, Mr. Beecher,

is that this place is always quiet as
a tomb.

Uh, wou-wouldn't you like me

to show you around, Mr. Beecher?

Now, right through here, we have the
kitchen.

Now, you see, it's, it's really a
lovely, big kitchen,

and there's always plenty of light.

Oh, yes, we get the sun here all day
long.

(screams in horror)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, M-Mr. Beecher?

Mr. Beecher?

I'm sorry, sir.
It got away from me.

May I see the bedroom?

Oh, yes, sir. Right, right in through
there.

HAMMOND: Yes, yes, I'll show you.

Come right this way with me, Mr.
Beecher.

Right through here.

That's the way.

Come right along.

Did you ever see anyone in that
condition?

Oh, they must have been awful rough
on him

at that murder trial.

Yeah. I think he'll make a good
tenant, though, huh?

Well, at least he won't give any wild
parties.

Not very many anyway.

(chuckling)
(chuckling)

Mr. Beecher thinks it's perfect.

Oh, I'm so glad you like it, sir.

Now, Mrs. Ricardo, will you sign the
lease?

Certainly.

Right there.

Right here?
Yes.

There.

Now, and Mr. Beecher,

right under Mrs. Ricardo's signature,
please.

Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Beecher, when would you like
to move in?

As soon as possible.

Oh, well, uh, we're leaving tonight.

Uh, you can move in right away.

I'll take these bags down to the
Mertzes'.

Yes, I'll help you.
Okay.

Oh, fine. I'll get my things

and move in right away.

Oh, that's fine.
I sure hope

you're going to like it here, sir.

Oh, you will.
It's nice and quiet.

Yes. Thank you, Mrs. Hammond.

Thank you.
Good-bye.

Bye.

Ethel, Mr. Beecher paid me the whole
two months rent.

That's $600.

$175 profit for each of us.

Less Mrs. Hammond's commission, of
course.

Oh, boy!
Where's the baby?

I thought you were gonna go get him.

Oh, Mrs. Trumbull wanted to keep him
a while longer.

She can't bear to say good-bye

to him for two whole months.

She's so sweet.

Yeah.

There's Ricky!

ETHEL: Ricky, come here!

I got something to tell you.

Well, I got something to tell you,
too.

Oh, well, you go ahead.

My agent just got a wire from Maine.

The job fell through.
We're not going.

Ew...

Well, I'm awfully sorry, honey.

What do you have to tell me?

Eww...!

What is it?

I just rented our apartment for the
summer.

What?!

Well, give it back to him.

I signed the lease.

As a matter of fact, he's all moved
in.

Well, he can just all move out.

I'm going to talk to him right now.

No, now, honey, honey, you can't talk
to him.

You haven't seen this man.
He couldn't take it.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

I don't know.

Oh, here he is. Come in, Mr. Beecher,
come in.

Oh, Mr. Beecher, this is my husband,
Mr. Ricardo.

How do you do?
This is Mr. Beecher.

How do you do?

M-Mrs. Mertz, I don't wish to seem

to be complaining straight off,

but th-there's a leak in the sink...

Now, look here, Mr. Beecher...
Oh! Oh, no!

Let me, dear... let me.

Uh, Mr. Beecher, you see,

we rented you the apartment for two
months

because my husband had a job out of
town.

Well, the job was canceled,

and we're not leaving.

Oh... that's too bad.

Yes. Well, you see, um, uh, I knew
you'd understand

and we need the apartment, so...

No, no.

No, no, no. The apartment suits me
perfectly.

I've got to have it. I must.

I can't go through looking for
another one.

Well, now, look here...

No! Please, no!

No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No!

(door slamming)

Oh, this character's in great shape.

Well, what are we going to do now?

We'll just have to go to a hotel, I
guess.

Go to a hotel for two months with a
baby?

It'll cost a fortune.

Oh, I'll bet you could find a nice
apartment

right here in this neighborhood.

No, Ethel, it's not that easy.

They don't like to rent apartments
when you got kids.

Oh, you can find one, and until you
do,

you can move in here with us.

Move in here with you?!

Certainly. We can get out the
rollaway bed,

and one of you can sleep on it, and
one can sleep on the divan.

And we'll bring the crib out here...

Well, that's awfully nice of you,
Ethel,

but we don't want to

crowd you that much.
No, honey.

So we're a little crowded.

What are friends for?

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Fred.

Hi.

(sighs)

Ew!

FRED: Any luck finding a place?

No. The only ones that look decent

will take pets but no children.

Too bad.

I'm so desperate, I'm thinking of
tying feathers

on little Ricky and telling them he's
a parrot.

I bet I walked 20 miles today.

How is the baby, honey?

Oh, he was all right, except for a
couple of things

like crying all afternoon

and spilling his food on the bedroom
rug again.

Oh, Ethel, I'm sorry.
He's cutting a tooth.

I guess he's a little fussy.

Mm.

Didn't find an apartment, huh?

No.

Gee, I never thought when we came
here

that we'd be here a whole week.

Has it only been a week?

Well, thanks.

Oh, now, stop picking on Lucy.

It isn't her fault.

I'm doing the best I can, Fred.

She and Ricky are probably just as
sick of us as we are of them.

Uh... well, let's face it, honey.

This apartment is too small for five
people.

Yeah.

(baby crying)

Oh.

Lucy, will you try and keep that baby
quiet?

His crying is getting on my nerves.

Well, why didn't you say so, Fred?

Little Ricky's only crying

because he thought you liked it.

(crying continues)

(door slamming)

Isn't she ever coming out of that
bathroom?

What do you suppose she's doing in
there?

She's taking a bath.

She's been in there long enough to
bathe an elephant.

Oh, there she is.

She didn't drown herself after all.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

I guess I took a little longer than I
expected.

Oh, it's okay.

It just gave Ethel and me a chance to
get acquainted.

What's the matter with him?

Oh, he's all right.

He always gets cranky

if he has to stay up past his
bedtime.

FRED: Just as I thought!
No more hot water.

Come on, let's go get the baby's crib

and bring him out in the living room
again.

I'm sorry about the water.

I don't think that tank is big
enough...

I know. No, it isn't.

(doorbell buzzing)

(buzzing insistently)

(buzzing insistently)

Who's ringing the doorbell at this
hour of the night?

Oww!

(moaning)

(baby crying)

I'm sorry.
I forgot my key, Fred.

Why is he awake this late?

What's the matter?

Did you have to forget your key twice
in one week?

I'm sorry, Fred.
Told you I was sorry.

What's the matter?
Who was that at the door?

Oh, it's you.

There, honey, now.

Lucy, is the baby is gonna cry all
night again tonight?

He wouldn't be crying

if Fred hadn't come out here and
kicked the crib.

Well, I wouldn't have kicked the crib

if you didn't put it over in the
middle of the room.

Oh, Fred.

Oh, come on, Fred.

Let's try and get some sleep.

All right.

Good night.
Come on.

Good night.
Good night!

Good night.

Aw...

(sighs)

Yes, honey, Mama knows.

Yes, well...

Poor little...

Oh, honey, yes...

Dishes, dishes, dishes.

Somebody around here is always
eating.

I must have done a hundred dishes
today.

I am so tired of doing dishes.

You know, Ethel, we're not the only
ones

that eat around here.

I didn't say you were, dear.

It's just that everybody eats at
different times.

There's one skillet out there

that hasn't been cold for a week.

Well, I guess there's just one thing
to do.

Yeah, but you can't find an
apartment.

I meant use paper plates.

Oh.

Darn that Mr. Beecher.

It's all his fault.

If he'd just get out.

Wait a minute.

I'll do it.

You don't even know what it is.

I don't care what it is.

I'll do it if it'll get rid of Mr.
Beecher.

Well, look, Mr. Beecher is a nervous
wreck

because he witnessed a murder.

So?

So what if he witnessed another
murder?

What if he saw me kill you?

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, well, what if he saw you kill me?

It doesn't make any difference.

That's more like it.

All right. We'll pretend that you're
mad at me...

(doorbell buzzing)

Who's there?

Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, hello, Mr. Beecher.

I just dropped over to see how things
were.

Oh, just fine.

This place is so nice and quiet and
restful,

my nerves are getting back in shape
at last.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Oh, did we leave these here?

Oh, yes, yes. I was going to return
them to you.

Well, I'll be glad...

There you are, you heel!

(screaming)

You made eyes at my husband for the
last time.

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

All right, Ethel, let's face it.

You've lost him.

He's mine.

If I can't have him, you can't have
him either.

Are you threatening me?

I am.

Mr. Beecher, you heard her
threatening me.

No, no, I didn't hear a thing.

We're gonna have this out here and
now.

No, please, please don't.

Mr. Beecher, if she fires that gun,
you're my witness.

No, I don't want to be anybody's
witness.

I-I say, look here, please.

If you've got to kill her,

take her out in the hall and do it.

Oh, no, I'm gonna do it right here
and now.

I'm gonna count to three

and then I'm gonna let you have it.

One...

(screams)

Two...

three.

Aha. Uh, you're, you're afraid to let
me have it, huh?

Oh, no, I'm not.

I just want to watch you squirm.

Now I'm gonna count to three again

and then you're gonna get it.

One...

Two...

And... three.

(exaggerated groaning)

(groaning and gasping)

(groaning stops)

(yelling and groaning)

(gasping for air)

(groaning stops)

(yelling and groaning)

(coughing)

(gasping for air)

(coughing)

(startled gasp)

I didn't see a thing!

Not a thing!

Not a solitary thing!

(laughing)

He's gone.

Oh, Lucy, you were superb.

Oh, you weren't bad yourself, girl.

No, I wasn't.

(screams)

ETHEL: Oh...

Yes. Yes, Mrs... yes.

Uh, that will be fine.

Thank you.

Mr. Beecher called Mrs. Hammond,

but he didn't tell her a thing about
it.

He said that she should go over, pick
up his clothes,

and he... if he got his money back,

he would be very happy to call off
the whole deal.

Well, does he want all of his money
back?

He lived there a week.

Who cares?
We got rid of him.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, kids, I got some great news for
you.

Oh, have we got news for you.

Wait till Yeah. you
hear it.

Everything just worked out fine.

Hey, oh, gee, I'm so happy I found
you all together.

I got some wonderful news for you.

What is this-- the Associated Press?

We've all got news.

Okay, now, ladies first.
What's your news?

Well, Ethel and I brilliantly
arranged

to get rid of Mr. Beecher.

The apartment is ours.

Oh, no!

What's the matter?

I found an apartment for you and paid
down

two months rent in advance.

Oh, no!

First we have no apartment, now we
got two.

Ricky, your news.

Don't tell me we got three.

We don't even need one.

Why not?

My agent got me another job.

We're spending the next two months

in Del Mar, California.

Oh, no!

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.