I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 3, Episode 30 - The Golf Game - full transcript

Frustrated that their husbands seem to prefer golf to them, Lucy and Ethel insist that Ricky and Fred teach them the fundamentals of the game so they can play too. The boys end up teaching the girls a lesson by making up a lot of ridiculous rules. When the girls meet famous professional golfer Jimmy Demaret and correct his play by quoting these farcical rules, they realize what their husbands are up to.

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

Well, the baby's sound asleep.

I'll get Mrs. Trumbull.
We can go to the movies.

Where are the fellas?

Out in the hall.

Playing golf again?

Yeah. They're practicing chip shots,
whatever they are.

Oh, dear. I was hoping we could get
out of here

before they started that.

Golf, golf, golf-- that's all they
think about anymore.

It's all your fault.



My fault?

Yes. If you hadn't gotten those clubs
for Ricky

for his anniversary present,

they never would have taken it up.

You're right. I wanted to find him a
hobby.

If I'd known this was gonna happen,

I'd have gotten him an embroidery
set.

Well, I'll put an end to this.

Fellas!

Oh!

Watch out what you're doing!

Oh, I'm sorry.
What are you trying to do?

It's only a Ping-Pong ball.

Well, come on now, we're gonna go to
the movies.



Well, it'd better be a good picture.

Marriage certainly does strange
things to a man.

This is the same man who used to say,

"Who cares about the picture?

Let's just sit in the balcony and
smooch."

Never mind.

I know just how you feel, Lucy.

Oh, now, Ethel.

It's true, Fred.
It's been years

since we sat in a movie

with your arm around my waist.

It's been years since my arm reached
around your waist.

Oh...

Well, let's face it, Ethel.

We're not exciting anymore. Golf is.

Ah, Honey, it's not that.

It's that we're playing in our first
tournament this week.

Yeah.
National Golf Day.

And we just want to be good, that's
all.

Yeah, well, right now we're going to
the movies.

Now, put those clubs away.

All right.
Rick, tomorrow I'll start working

on that back-with-
the-right-hip-first thing.

Yeah... what do you mean right hip
first ? Left hip.

How can you start back with the left
hip

when it's way around here?

Oh, now, look, Fred.
Come here, would you?

I'll watch. Look.
I'll watch.

Now, address the ball, right?
Yes.

Now your weight is divided evenly,
right?

Yes. All right, go back now.

Ricky.
Fred.
See?

Ricky!
Fred! Now, there's the...

Now, just a minute.
Will you relax?

This is very important.

That's it. Gin.

Oh...

What's the score?

15 games for you, 22 for me.

FRED: Yeah, I got it now.

RICKY: You got it?

FRED: I know what you mean now.

RICKY: All right.

Honestly, this is disgraceful.

Gee, it's too bad.

It was such a good picture, too.

You know, we're gonna have to do
something

about this golf business.

What do you have in mind?

Well, we could fight hobby with
hobby.

We could get interested in something

and drive them crazy.

Good.

Now, what'll it be?

How about men?

I mean a game we can play.

Something we can talk about all the
time

and practice around the house.

Let's see, tennis...
bowling... swimming...?

Catch on to your putting grip, see?

Well, I don't think that the grip...

(whistle blowing)

FRED: What...

Foul, foul, foul!

(whistle blowing)

What is this?!

It's our new hobby, basketball.

(whistle blowing)

Jump ball.
All right.

(whistle blowing)

(whistle blowing)

Right over here.

Oh, no, you don't!

Now, wait a minute.

Now, just a minute.

If you don't mind,

would you tell me what's going on
here?

Uh... well, we decided to take up a
sport.

Yeah, you know one to occupy all our
time.

One that we can practice all day and
talk about all night.

Until everybody's bored to tears.

Well, I think that that is a splendid
idea.

Now that you have your own sport,

you will realize why we like golf so
much.

That makes it work out perfectly.

Sure. Now, let's go over to your
apartment

and practice that putting that you
were talking about.

All right.

So long, bloomer girls.

Time-in!

Well, the game's over and we lost.

Should we turn in our suits and go to
the showers?

I guess so.

Well, maybe we should have taken up
golf.

At least we'd get to see them once in
a while.

Yeah.

Hey, why not?

Why not what?

Why not take up golf?

Fred and Ricky are just starting to
play.

They won't mind us being beginners,
too.

Oh, Ethel, I don't know.

Oh, now, it's just perfect.

There're two of us and two of them.

We'll make a...
a foursome.

I have an idea this is one time

that two and two will not make four.

Oh, now, Lucy, I've heard them say
dozens of times

how hard it is to get up a foursome.

Gee, that's right.

We'd really be doing them a favor.

Sure we would.

All right, I'll go tell them the good
news.

All right.
Yeah?

Lucy.
Yeah?

Where's my golf book?

On-on the mantle.
Oh, thank you.

Here, Fred. Uh, we...

We have something Oh? to tell
you.

Something that's going to surprise
you,

please you.
Yeah.

We're going to give up basketball.

Oh. Here's the rule, Fred.

LUCY: We're going to take up golf.

Isn't that wonderful?

Now you won't have any trouble
getting up a foursome.

Well, uh, uh, uh...

you-you-you can't play golf with us.

No.

Why not?

Well, uh...

Why not, Fred?

It's against the law?

It is not.

Well, uh, uh...

Mamie doesn't play.

LUCY: Oh...

Then it's all settled.

We're gonna play golf.

Yeah, and you and Fred can teach us.

That way, we can play and learn at
the same time.

LUCY: Won't that be fun?

Hey, Rick, that's a pretty
good-looking swing.

Oh, I can hit little pieces of
cellophane

and dandelions all day long.

You put a ball in front of me, that's
when I freeze up.

You'll get...

(chuckling)

Where are the girls?

Oh, you know how they are.

Takes them a long time to change
clothes.

They're only changing shoes.

Yeah, you know something?

We might have made a terrible
mistake,

teaching our wives how to play golf.

Oh, everything will work out all
right, you know.

They'll, they'll play with us for a
couple of days.

They won't be any good

and they'll, they'll get discouraged

and they'll quit.
Mmm-hmm.

Well, supposing they don't get
discouraged?

Supposing they like it real well and
get good at it?

Then what are we gonna do?

Then we'll kill ourselves.

I'm with you.

Hey, you know, maybe you're right.

Yeah.

Maybe they will like it.

Uh-huh.

Maybe they won't want to quit.

Uh-huh.

We got to protect ourselves.

But how?

Well, they don't know anything about
this game, do they?

I don't think so.

Anything that we tell them, they'll
believe, right?

I think so.

Well, suppose that we make up a game

that is so complicated and so
confusing

that they'll want to quit?

We can make up our own rules.

(chortling): There's an idea!

(chuckling): I'll tell you what we're
gonna do.

All right.
(Lucy and Ethel whooping)

Here they come.
Now, look.

Just-just go along with whatever I do
and say,

and if you think of something good,
throw it in.

I'm with you. Okay.

Hi!
Hi, kids!

Hiya.
Hiya.

Gee, is it beautiful out here.

Isn't it nice?

No wonder you want to play golf all
the time.

Oh, the air smells so fresh and so
clean out here,

I'm gonna like golf.

Gee, I'm gonna make a baby- sitting
deal with Mrs. Trumbull,

then we can play every day.

ETHEL: Sure!

Well, let's get started.

Uh, yeah. Put your clubs right on
there, honey.

Okay.
Get ready now.

Put them right on that bench, Ethel.
That's right.

Are you ready, everybody?

Yeah.
Fred?

(grunts)

Lucy.

What's this for?

Ethel.

To see who goes first.

Oh.

Well, Lucy goes first.

How do you figure that?

Uh... the fourth one down from the
top goes first.

Oh.

That's right.

Well, well, what club do I use?

What are you saying?

What club do I use?

What club? Uh...
let me see now.

What club? Um...

Uh...

I think a stymie would be right,
don't you, Fred?

Yeah, unless she wants to use a
niblick.

A niblick.

That sounds like something you made
up.

Huh. I'll use a stymie, dear.

RICKY: Good. Good.

Which one is it?

Uh... that's a stymie right there.

Okay.

Now don't get Uh-huh.
in their way.

Give her plenty of room now.

Give her plenty of room.

All right.
Where's the ball?

Oh, honey... honey,

if you don't know how to hold the
club,

why didn't you ask me?

Oh, well, I...

That's what we're here for-- to teach
you.

Well, I didn't want to appear too
ignorant.

Oh, that's all right, honey.

You'll be doing all right.

Now, look, I'll show you.

See, put your club right here, like
this.

Now get your hands here.

Now, interlock all your fingers like
that, see?

Now, fold your thumbs under.

Now, go ahead and grip the club.

That's right.

Huh?

Ninth grip, yes.

Feels kind of uncomfortable.

You sure it's right?

Well, it's uncomfortable for
everybody at first,

but you'll get used to it.
Sure, yeah.

Okay, where's the ball?

Oh, yes, I'll get your ball. Here.

Oh, Fred, I don't have any divots.

Have you got a divot with you?

Oh, is that what a divot is?
That's a divot,

yeah.
Oh.

Now, there you go.

There. Like so.

Now, go ahead.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

What's the matter?

She forgot to say "May I?"

Oh.

I didn't know.

Well, now, look, honey,

as long as you're going to play the
game,

you might as well learn it correctly

from the very beginning.

Yeah, I want to learn the right way.

All right, now, when you forget to
say "may I",

before you hit the ball, it's a
penalty.

Oh.
You lose ten points

and you have to take one giant step
forward

with your right leg only.

One giant step forward, right-right
leg only.

Right.

Now hit the ball.

Very good!

Was that good?

That's her first time out.

She'll be a champion.

Oh, really?

Go ahead, hit it again, honey.

Hit it again.
Yes, sir.

Hit it again.

Oh, I got to get the grip.

RICKY: Yeah. Come on.

That's getting to look better.

One...

Now, don't look at the ball, honey.

Keep your eyes on the fairway.

Don't look at the ball.

RICKY: Two. That's good.

Three!

That's a dormie.

A dormie?

A dormie, yeah. Now you get to pick
up the ball

and throw it down the fairway

under your left leg.

Oh, that's a cinch.

Very good.

Oh, that's very good.

Now it's your turn, Ethel.

My turn. My turn.

I'll get your club.

Okay.
All right.

I hope I'm as good as you were.

It's, it's not hard at all, really.

Here, I'll show you how...

I know how.
I watched her.

Oh, excuse me.

That's right, that's right. She
knows.

That's the grip, yeah.

Give me the ball.

Oh, yes, I forgot.

(grunting): There you are.

(chuckling)

May I?

Yeah.

Be my guest.

Uh-uh-uh-uh, no, no, no, no, no.

What did I do?

Why, you can't do a normal stymie

after your partner has dormied.

ETHEL: Oh, I can't?

(grumbling)

What's the matter with you?

Are you trying to get us thrown off
the golf course?

Well, I didn't know.

Ricky.

Yes, sir.

Permission to shoot out of turn,
please.

Permission granted.

Thank you.

Let me show you how to make the shot.

(imitating bird whistling)

What was that?

A birdie.

Oh! A birdie.

Okay, a birdie.

Give me another ball.

All right.
Here you are.

Birdie. I've heard about birdies.

RICKY: Yeah, you heard about it.
That's right.

(imitating bird whistling)

One, two, three...

Kick it, Ethel!
Kick it?!

Kick the ball, yeah.
Four, five...

If he gets to ten, you're out.

Now kick it, kick it.
Oh, I kick it!

I kick it!

(shouting)

She kicked it!

Now it's your turn, Rick.

My turn?
Yes.

What are you talking about?

She kicked the ball before I counted
to ten,

so I don't get to drive in this hole.

Oh, that's right.

Now, let's see, uh...

Lucy shot first,

and her ball went farther down the
fairway

than the third player's ball.
Yeah.

So, Lucy gets to carry all the bags!

FRED: That's right.

You mean I won? Yeah.

Yeah.
Oh, wonderful!

We'll see you down the fairway.

Come on.
Come on.

Come on, Ethel.
Hurry up, Lucy.

Hurry up, honey.
I am.

Hurry up now.

Yeah, I will.

RICKY: Hurry up!

I'm hurrying.

They're doing fine, aren't they?

I should say they are.

Come on, girls, hurry up!

They approach very well.

I'll say they do.

That's it.
That's it.

Fine.
That's it.
That's it.

LUCY: Oh, well, how did we do?

Well, it only took us one hour and a
half

to get to the first green.

Well, that ought to be some kind of a
record.

I would say so, yeah, yeah.

Now what do we do?

Well, now we all putt our balls into
the little cup here.

Yeah.
Oh?

Uh-oh!

What's the matter?

Lucy's ball is not on the green.

Oh, is that my ball?

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

Never, never, never touch your ball

unless it's a dormie.

Oh, well, I didn't know.

Well, I'm sorry, but you get a mashie
for a penalty.

What's a mashie?

This is a mashie.

That's a mashie?

That's a mashie, yeah.

Now we all putt our balls into the
cup.
All right.

Now, here's your putter.
Here's your putter, Ethel.

Where's my ball?
There's your ball

Right there.
in the corner.

Place the flag down here.

Rick?

Yeah?

Do we all go at once?

Yeah, yeah, we all go at once.

Sure, that's the reason they say

this game is so much like hockey.

That's right, yeah.

Now, you see, uh...

the idea of putting here

is that you try to get your ball in
the cup

and at the same time,

you try to keep the other players'
ball

from getting into the cup.

Okay.
Okay.

Now, I'll count to three

and we all go.
All right.

Are you ready?
Yup.

One, two, three.

ETHEL (laughing): That's mine. That's
mine.

That's mine.

Hurry up.

I got mine in!
I got mine in!

I got mine in!
I got mine in!

Well, that's wonderful!

I told you she'd be a champ.

Yeah.
Do I win?

Yes, sir! So you get to carry all the
bags again.

We'll see you at the next tee.

FRED: Hurry up, now, Lucy.

RICKY: Hurry up.

I won.

Come on, girl, come on.

Up in the air, up in the air.

That's enough.

Gee, that's some penalty

just because I hit my ball farther
than Fred did.

We told them we wanted to learn to
play right.

What are you complaining about?

I had to carry the bags.

I wonder where the fellows are.

I haven't seen them since Fred hit
his ball into the woods.

(sighs)

Well, how many strokes did you take
on that hole?

Six.

Lucy.

Well, 26.

What's the difference?

How many did you take?

Thirty.
Yeah.

I'll just put down seven for each of
us.

I wonder what the penalty is for
that.

I think while I'm waiting, I'll
practice that stroke

Ricky was ready to teach me.

Which one?

You know, the one that you use

when you're between 47 and 63 yards
from the green.

The "hop, skip and a jump" shot.

(groaning)

This grip's beginning to feel a lot
better.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

Uh, you mind if I go through?

Go through what?

Well, I was, uh, behind you and
playing by myself and, uh...

Oh, you want to join us. Oh, sure.

I'm Lucy Ricardo and this is Ethel
Mertz.

What's your name?

I'm Jimmy Demaret.

Jimmy Demaret?!

Jimmy Demaret?!

Oh, for heaven's sake,

we've heard so much about you.

Listen, we're just, ju-just learning.

You sure you won't mind playing with
us?

Oh, uh, not at all.

Oh, well, fine, then.

Let's get started.

Let's see who goes first.

Oh, uh, ladies always first.

Oh, no, no. We have to choose up.

Here you are, Jim.

Come on.

You go first, Jim.

You're second from the top.

Uh-uh-uh.

You didn't say, "May I?"

"May I?"

Too late now.

That'll cost you ten points.

Yeah, with all of your experience,

I'm surprised at you.

Well, go ahead.

Well, that was pretty dull.

What was that? Stand there and hit
the ball--

anybody could do that.

I thought at least

you were gonna use an
over-the-shoulder,

left-handed whirling stymie, didn't
you?

Well...

Hey... you lost another ten points.

Your ball missed the sand trap
completely

and landed right on the green.
Yeah.

Hey, uh, better luck next time.

You show him how to do it, Lucy.

Okay.

Dormie! Dormie! Dormie!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, dormie, dormie.

(laughing)

Boy, you're getting good.

Okay.

Don't you think she's wonderful?

She just learned how to play today.

Ladies, are you sure you're playing
golf?

Sure.

Sure.

Well, who taught you to play like
that?

Our husbands taught us.

Yeah.

You mean this "choose upside" and
"may I"

and "hop, skip and a jump" business?

Yeah. Isn't that the way you play?

Well, uh... not exactly.

Well, for heaven's sake.

There's a rotten Cuban in Denmark.

And he's got a fat friend.

What a dirty trick.

Would I like to get even with them.

Oh, I can see us playing leapfrog up
there.

No wonder they... No wonder...

Oh...

A hundred people watching us!

Oh, Lucy.

I know how we can get even with them.

They're in that big tournament
tomorrow.

That's our big chance.

Yeah?

Jimmy, will you help us?

May I?

You certainly may.

Here's what we...

Ladies and gentlemen, the next
threesome on the tee

will be amateurs Ricky Ricardo and
Fred Mertz of New York City,

and from the Concord Hotel at Lake
Kiamesha, New York,

three times winner of the Masters

at Augusta, Georgia, Jimmy Demaret.

(applause)

Did you hear who we're playing with?

Boy, did I-- Jimmy Demaret.

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

I won't be able to play at all in
front of him.

Oh, he'll know we're just beginners.

He had to start himself, you know.

No need in being nervous.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I just hope I remember the rules

after that silly game we played with
the wives.

Yeah. That was kind of nasty, wasn't
it?

Now, don't knock it.
At least we got rid of them.

Yeah.

Isn't that Jimmy Demaret?

Yeah. Oh, please, please.

Just let me hit the ball.
I don't care where it goes.

Just let me hit it.

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Demaret.

I'm Ricky Ricardo, and this is Fred
Mertz.

Nice to see you both.
Hi, Jimmy.

Sure. A great pleasure

and an honor playing with you, sir.

Well, it's my pleasure.

Thank you.

Our caddies are not here yet.

They said that there was some, uh...
something...

A couple of caddies got sick

and they had to replace them.

I think these are your caddies coming
here now.

RICKY: Oh, I see.

What are you doing here?

What is this?

We're your caddies.

Yup.

Well, are you all ready?

Shall we go?

Yup.
Step aside, bud.

Got to pick Mr. Ricardo's club.

Yeah, this is the one, bub.

If you don't mind, I'll use this.

Now, Lucy, I don't know what you're
doing,

but whatever it is, do it later.

You know who we're playing with?

Who?

Jimmy Demaret.

Jimmy Demaret?!

(mouthing words)

Who's he?

Just a minute, chum.

Better tell you how to play this
hole.

Think you ought to use the old hop,
skip and a jump, huh?

No. I think you ought to take three
giant steps

and kick the bogie.

Ethel, come back here.

Mashie!
He touched it.

Mashie!

You crazy or something?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Mr. Demaret.

(stammering): I-I-I... It's...

It's some kind of a joke or
something.

I assure you, it will never happen
again.

That's all right.
That's all right.

Will it, dear?

Eh.

(fingers snapping)

May I?

Yay!

Attaboy, Jimmy!

Why, Jimmy,

you were in it all the time.

He was in it all the time.

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: The caddy was George
Pirrone,

the tournament chairman was Louis
Nicoletti,

and Jimmy Demaret portrayed himself.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.