I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 23 - The Mustache - full transcript

Hurry up, dear.

The Mertzes will
be here any minute.

I'll be ready, honey.

I was just shaving

so I look real nice when
I go out with my wife.

Well, isn't that sweet?

I thought you said you shaved.

I did.

What's the matter
with your upper lip?

Is it out of bounds?

You mean my moustache?



Your what?

My moustache.

Ricky, it's true.

Your upper lip
has whiskers on it.

What do expect, feathers?

No, I expect you to go
in there and shave it off.

You know I don't like
a moustache on you.

Why not?

Because it looks like an eyebrow

and your mouth
keeps staring at me.

Well, I guess it could
use a little eyebrow pencil

until it gets stronger.

Listen, now, we're going
to have this out right now.

You're going in there
and shave that off?



No.

Come here.

Oh, darn it.

It's still there.

I thought maybe
I could singe it off.

Oh, honey, you'll
love my moustache

once you get used to it.

I will not.

Well, honey, just wait
till it gets a little strunger.

It's never get "strunger."

You've tried this before, Ricky.

You know you always end up

looking like a little boy
who drank chocolate milk.

Well, you never let
me give it a chance.

This time, I'm
going to cultivate it.

What are you going
to use on it... Vigoro?

Never mind that.

I look wonderful in a moustache.

You just look silly in
a moustache, Ricky.

I do not.

Here are the Mertzes.

Let's see what they think.

All right, we'll see.

Well, we'll just see.

Just don't put any
words in their mouth.

Don't worry, I won't have to.

Okay.

Hi, folks.

Hi, Lucy. Hi, Lucy.

Hi, Ricky. Hiya.

Hi. Are you ready
to go to the movies?

You are just in time
to settle something.

We are? Yeah?

Yes. As two impartial observers

we'd like your opinion
on something. Yeah.

Well, I'll be happy to get...

Ricky, you're
growing a moustache.

Gee, it looks wonderful.

Well, let me see.

Hey, that looks great.

Now, what did you
want our opinion on?

Nothing, Benedict Ethel.

Well, Ricky and I just,
we had a big, fat argument

about how ridiculous he
looks in that moustache

and then you had to come
in and louse up everything.

Well, I think he looks handsome.

I do, too.

So do I.

Brother.

Besides, I have a
very good reason

for growing this moustache.

What is it?

He wants a divorce.

You'll change your tune
when you see me as the star

of the new Technicolor motion
picture Moon over Baghdad.

Ricky! You didn't tell me

you were going to
star in a moving picture.

Well, I was keeping it...

Spring it on you as
a surprise, you know?

You know when you're
leaving for Hollywood?

Well, not exactly.

Have you signed
your contract yet?

Well, not exactly.

But they've agreed to star you.

Well, not exactly.

Well, what exactly?

Well, a talent scout
from Hollywood

is coming to town to look

for someone to
star in the picture,

and my agent has a friend

whose brother-in-law
knows the talent scout's wife.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's pack.

Star you in a picture.

Well, don't you worry.

I'll get an appointment
to see him.

Yeah, you'll get an appointment

if the agent's
friend's brother-in-law

is still speaking to
this talent scout's wife.

Gee, a real, live talent
scout from Hollywood.

Hey, Rick... ask him if he can
use a song-and-dance man.

And don't forget about me.

I used to do an Oriental dance.

♪ La-dee-da-da,
da-da-da, da, da-da-da. ♪

I was known as "The
Queen of the Nile."

Oh!

She's a little
rusty around Cairo.

Oh, you!

All right, come on, are we going

to go to the movies or not?

I'm not leaving here

till you shave off
that silly moustache.

Honey... baby doll...

I'm not going to shave it off,

so why don't you
just relax and enjoy it?

I mean it, Ricky.
I'm not leaving here.

Now, Lucy.

No!

All right.

We'll go without her.

Come on.

You two go ahead.

I'll stay here with Lucy.

All right. Good-bye, Ethel.

Come on, Fred. Bring
me a bag of popcorn

Okay. With lots of butter.

Yeah, yeah.

Got 20 cents, Rick?

Come on.

Darn that Ricky.

I'll get rid of his
cookie-duster somehow.

You know, my grandfather
used to have a moustache...

A great, big, long
handlebar one...

And Grandma got rid of it
in the middle of the night.

How?

She tied it around a bedpost

when he was asleep
and then yelled "fire."

Oh!

Oh, Ethel!

Hey, that gives
me an idea, though.

It does?

Yeah. Ricky's not going

to be the only
one in this family

with a moustache.

What?

I'm going to glue on a false one

and I'm not going to take it off

till he shaves off his.

Lucy, congratulations.

What for?

You've finally topped yourself.

This is the craziest
idea you've had yet.

Lucy!

Where are you?

I'm in here.

Where have you two been?

Ricky will be home any minute.

We had a hard time finding it.

It was down at the bottom

of my vaudeville trunk.

Well, give it here.
Let's see now.

I'll have to cut off the beard.

Oh, no, you don't.

You can't cut that, Lucy.

Those things are expensive.

Well, I can't wear
the whole thing.

Why not?

Yeah, why not?

Yeah, why not?

Uncle Sam wants you.

Show me how to
stick it on, Fred.

All right.

This is spirit gum.

Look, I just put a little

on your upper lip here.

Oh, that smells awful.

Lucy, I'm home.

Be right there.

Hi, dear.

Hi, honey.

How's about giving
me a nice big kiss?

There's nothing I...

What's the matter?

I thought you were
going to kiss me.

Lucy, where did
you get that thin'?

What "thin"?

Those whiskers.

What whiskers?

These.

Oh, these.

Oh, my five-o'clock shadow?

Guess I didn't give myself

a very close shave this morning.

All right, Lucy.

What are you up to?

Nothing, nothing.

I'm just growing this
so that I can get a part

in that Technicolor movie
called Moon Over the North Pole.

I'm going to play Santa Claus.

Okay, okay, joke's over.

Now, take that ridiculous
thing off your face.

It makes you look like a freak.

Oh, you think it
looks funny, huh?

I certainly do.

Well, now you know how
your moustache looks to me.

Oh, so that's it, huh?

Well, your little
gag didn't work.

So just take it off.

Nothing doing.

I'm not taking it off
till you shave off yours.

Well, I'm not shaving.

Neither am I.

Of course, we'll have to change
our name to the Smith Brothers.

And we could always get

moustache cups
marked his and hers.

Now, Lucy, you listen to me.

Now, I'm not going
to stand here and...

I can't stand it.

You win.

Take it off and I'll shave.

Good!

Shave right now.

I got it all set up for you.

There you are.

All right, all right.

You've got more
eyebrow pencil on there

than you have whiskers.

Never mind the cracks.

Get it off, now.

You missed one right there.

What do you call
this one... Charlie?

There!

Now you look like
your old self again.

Welcome back, little lip.

Give me a great big kiss.

I'm not going to kiss
you with that thing on.

Oh, I forgot.

Gee, this must have been put on

with pretty strong stuff.

Here, let me try, honey.

Ow!

Gosh.

Boy, that's really stuck.

Are you sure you
didn't grow this?

I'd better call Fred

and find out how
to get this off.

Hello?

Fred, this is Lucy.

Oh, hi, did the joke
come off all right?

Yeah, the joke did,
but the beard didn't.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, I've tugged and I've
pulled and I can't get it off.

Well, that's funny.

It should come off easy.

I just used a little spirit gum.

Ricky, get me that bottle off
the dresser, will you, dear?

All right, hon.

Fred, y-you shouldn't have used

such old stuff.

Maybe it changes with age.

How long have you had it?

Well, now, let's see,
the last date I played

was a split week
in Peoria in 1925.

'25?!

But spirit gum shouldn't change.

Oh.

Here, honey,
I've got the bottle.

Thanks, dear.

I have the bottle
right here, Fred.

It says "Bulldog Cement"!

Cement?

Yeah. "Bulldog Cement will
not let go. Holds fast forever.

"Can only be removed

with Bulldog Cement Remover #3"

Oh, no.

Oh, yes!

Oh, shut up.

You certainly have a
warped sense of humor.

I'm sorry, honey, I'll ca...

I'll call the...

I'll call the drugstore and see
if they got some of that stuff.

They won't have
it in a drugstore.

They have everything
in a drugstore.

Hello.

Listen, have you ever
heard of some stuff

called Bulldog
Cement Remover #3?

You have?

Oh, I see.

Well, thanks.

They don't make it anymore.

You mean... you mean I'll
have to keep this on forever?

Well, honey, I guess
it'll wear off eventually.

Well, what happens
in the meantime?

Well, honey,

I really should let you suffer

but I don't have
the heart to do it.

There's one simple solution

and I'll do it for you.

What?

I'll get you job as the
bearded lady in the circus.

Oh...

Lucy?

Lucy?

Where are you?

Lucy, I wanted to ask...

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I was looking for...

Good afternoon, ma'am.

Lucy?

Colonel Ricardo, at your
beck and call, you all.

Lucy, what are you
doing in those clothes?

Well, it's the only
way I can get down

to that little old drugstore

without people laughing

at little old me.

I thought maybe
that little old druggist

could do something

for this little old face.

Well, how did you
all do, Colonel?

Bad, powerful bad.

Oh, you poor little old thing.

Didn't he have any ideas?

Yeah, he said dye the beard red

and the head
would match all over.

Oh, what'll I do?

What's the matter?

When you chew
with that beard on,

you look just like a billy goat.

Nobody but a nanny
goat would notice it.

Well!

I've got it.

What?

Nah, you wouldn't go for it.

What is it?

Well...

Nah, you wouldn't like it.

Well, give me a chance.

What is it?

Well, we'll tie a
string to your beard.

Yeah.

Then we'll tie the other
end of the string to a flat iron.

Yeah? Then I'll throw...

No! Don't throw it.

Oh!

I knew you wouldn't like it.

Look out!

Scared me to death.

I think this is safer
for little old me.

Lucy...

What?

You just gave me an idea.

What is it?

Well... we'll set
fire to your beard

but I'll stand by with a hose

to see that it doesn't
get out of hand.

Ethel, this is my face.

You're not burning
weeds off a vacant lot.

Who is it?

It's Fred.

What do you want?

If I bring good
news, can I come in?

All right.

What is it?

I must have made a
thousand phone calls

before I located a
drugstore that sells

Bulldog Cement Remover #3.

Oh, Fred, you doll.

Where is it?

It's in Chicago.

Chicago?

Yeah, but he's
sending it Air Mail

so it ought to be here tomorrow.

Oh...

Now, Lucy, that's not bad. No.

Oh... Chicago.

Hello.

Hello, is Monty Woolley there?

Did you call me up
just to make gags?

No, this is important.

You know that talent scout
I was talking to you about?

Yeah?

Well, I talked to him today

and I talked him into
coming to the house

to spend an evening with us.

Oh, Ricky, that's wonderful.

Right in our own home.

When is he coming?

Tonight.

Oh, that... oh, no,
not tonight, Ricky.

Please, not tonight.

Well, honey, he's flying
back to Hollywood tomorrow.

If I don't get him up
to the house tonight

I'll never get a chance
to see him alone.

B-B-But, Ricky, what about me?

It's my one chance to
get into the movies, too.

My beard, remember? My beard!

Well, I'm sorry, honey,
there's nothing I can do about it.

Oh.

We'll be home about
7:30. Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Oh, Ricky's bringing

that Hollywood talent
scout to the house tonight.

He is?

No kidding?

Uh... Lucy, would you
mind if we dropped in?

No, of course not.

Well, we got to go.

Yeah, see you later!

Here we are, Mr. Murdoch.

Ah.

Let me take your coat.

Oh, thank you.

Make yourself at
home, won't you?

Fine. Well, nice place
you have here, Ricardo.

Thank you.

Sit down.

Thanks.

Boy, I'll be glad

when that picture,
Moon over Baghdad

is finished with the casting.

Ah... have a
cigarette, won't you?

Oh, thank you.

You know, it's nice to spend
an evening someplace else

besides a hotel
room or a theater.

Yes, well, that's
what I thought.

That's why I asked
you to come over here

and get a night off
from show business.

Ah, that's sounds good.

Oh!

I wonder how that got here.

What's that?

That's my old scrapbook.

My wife must have been doing

some housecleaning.

I haven't seen this for years.

Well, let's see it.

Oh, no, no. This
is your night off.

I wouldn't want to
bother you with this.

All right.

This is the first part

that I had in New York...

Broadway play, Too Many Girls.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And, uh, over here's when
I was at the Copacabana.

Oh, it's very interesting.

Now, this...

All right, all right, all right.

That's enough.

Mr. Murdoch,

this is our landlord
and our landlady.

Ethel Mertz, former
star of musical comedy.

Can sing, dance,
act and do voices;

have wardrobe, will travel.

Freddy Mertz, formerly
of Mertz and Kertz...

Famous vaudevillians:

soft shoe, tap-dancing
and smart quips.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh? Uh-uh?

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh?

Uh-uh.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Murdoch.

I must apologize for my friends.

Oh, that's all right.

Just please sit down and
relax and enjoy yourself.

I'll put on

a little music here for you.

Fine, fine.

♪ Not so far from here ♪

♪ There's a very
lively atmosphere ♪

♪ Everybody's going
there this year ♪

♪ And there's a reason the
season never closes there ♪

♪ Love and music
you'll find everywhere ♪

♪ People always
having fun down there ♪

♪ So come along... ♪

♪ I'm on my way to Cuba ♪

♪ That's where I'm going ♪

♪ Cuba, that's where I'll stay ♪

♪ Cuba, where wine is flowing ♪

♪ And where dark-eyed Stellas ♪

♪ Light their
fellas' panatelas ♪

♪ Cuba, where it's all happy ♪

♪ Cuba, where all is gay ♪

♪ Why don't you plan a
wonderful trip to Havana? ♪

♪ Hop on a ship and
I'll see you in C-U-B-A ♪

♪ Why don't you plan a
wonderful trip to Havana? ♪

♪ Hop on a ship and
I'll see you in C-U-B-A. ♪

It's, um... very nice.

Uh, Mr. Murdoch, you know

we have a lot of other numbers.

No, I... I...

But I could convert some of them

into the Arabian mood, you know.

A little Arabian...

What is this, a stranded
Major Bowes unit?

Mr. Murdoch, I want you

to meet my wife, Lucy.

Lucy, this is Mr. Murdoch.

How do you do?

Well, I'll say one thing
for you, Mrs. Ricardo.

You certainly dance very well.

Oh, thank you.

You know, we could
use some dancing girls

in our new picture.

Maybe we could use you.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I imagine so.

Let me see your face.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's, uh, it's just a
nose, a mouth, a chin.

You know, a complete set.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Ricardo.

Take off your veil.

Well...

Oh, yeah, come on, Lucy.

Take it off.

You keep out of this.

Come on, Lucy.

Ricky, stay away from me.

Show him your face.

Ricky...

This is your big chance.

You know, now
I'm getting curious.

I've got to see that face.

Yeah.

All right, all right.

All right.

It's time for the unveiling.

Well, here's my nose.

My mouth is just
below it and it has teeth

and it goes sideways.

All the way.

Ricky!

Hey, honey, look
what just got here.

What?

Special delivery
letter from Hollywood.

What does it say?

What does it say?

Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Well, what do you know?

They want to test
me for the lead.

Oh, Ricky, how wonderful!

Hey, wait a minute.

They want to test you, too.

Where? Where? Where?

"We think Mrs. Ricardo
might be perfect for..."

I don't care what they pay me.

I'm not going to play
the part of your father.

The part of Mr. Murdoch
was played by John Brown.

I Love Lucy is a
Desilu production.