I Love Lucy (1951–1957): Season 1, Episode 22 - Fred and Ethel Fight - full transcript

Oops!

Guess who it is.

Bill?

Sam?

Pat?

No!

Pedro.

Pablo.

Jose.

No, it's me.

Oh, yes, of course. Um...



Very, very funny.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, company for dinner?

Uh-huh.

Who is it?

How do you like the
new water glasses, Ricky?

Who's coming for dinner, Lucy?

Doesn't the table
look beautiful tonight?

Lucy, who is it?

Some people.

Lucy...

Whom is coming
here for dinner tonight?

Whom, you mean,
besides meem and youm?



Never mind that.
What are their names?

Fred and Ethel Mertz.

Wait a minute.

I thought you said Fred
and Ethel had a big fight

and they were mad at each other.

They are.

I thought you said

they weren't
speaking to each other.

They aren't.

And that he was
staying at the Y.

He is.

And she won't let
him in the house.

She won't.

Well, if they are

and they aren't and he is
and she won't... how come?

Well, I thought...

Lucy Esmerelda MacGillicuddy

Ricardo.

Yes?

I thought we had
an understanding

that you were not
going to mess around

in other people's affairs.

But, Ricky...

Lucy, sometimes I
think that you don't have

anything inside your head.

Now, come on. Let me see.

Hey, that picture on
the wall is crooked.

Oh, stop.

Now, Ricky, I can't stand
seeing them apart like this.

I heard Ethel downstairs
crying all morning.

I'll bet Fred's eating
his heart out, too.

Hah!

What do you mean, hah?

How would you like to
be separated from me

for three whole days?

Ah!

Oh... Now, really,
Ricky, it's up to us

to get Fred and Ethel
back together again.

Say you'll help me.

Well, it would be nice.

Yeah.

And, I guess,

after you've gone
through all this trouble

and this far, the...
the cast is dead.

"The cast is dead"?

Yeah, you know...

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

The die is cast.

That's what I said.

Oh, fine.

Now, tell me, Dorothy Dix,

if they are not
speaking to each other,

how did you get them
to come here for dinner?

Neither one knows that
the other one is coming.

Oh, that should be interesting.

Yoo-hoo!

There's one of
the lovebirds now.

Yeah, before the
evening is over,

there'll be feathers
flying all over the place.

Oh, now, stop.

Hi, Lucy.

Hi, Ethel.

Hi, Ricky. Hello, Ethel.

Let me take your coat, honey.

Thanks. Here,
I'll take it, dear.

Gee, you look beautiful.

It was nice of you
to ask me to dinner.

I almost didn't make
it. I just got home.

I've been so busy
socially, you know,

dancing every night,

luncheons and
teas every afternoon.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes.

I've been having
a wonderful time.

Oh, bread.

I haven't eaten since he left.

Oh, really?

Gee, you sure must miss him.

I do not.

He didn't leave me any
money, the big fat slob.

Well, we'll eat
right away, dear.

Good.

Oh, four places. Is
someone else coming?

Well, I-I didn't
tell you, Ethel,

but I've invited a
fascinating man for you.

He's a real dream.

Oh, Lucy, you
shouldn't have done that.

After all, I'm still
a married woman.

What's he like?

I'm not going to tell you.

I want you to be surprised.

She will be.

Oh, this is exciting.

I'd better go powder my nose.

He's a real dream, huh?

Uh-huh.

Can I put on some
of your good perfume?

Sure.

Well, you really
cooked one up this time.

Now, don't worry.

Everything's
going to be all right.

You know what'll happen?

Yeah, they'll kill each other

right in front of our eyes.

They will not.

That must be the
other lovebird now.

Hi, Rick.

Hello, Fred. How are you?

Gee, I'm glad to see you.

We sure miss you around here.

How's everything down at the Y?

Oh, fine, fine, thanks.

Hi, Lucy.

Hi, Fred.

I brought you something.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

I was going to call
up and say hello,

but I've really
been having a time.

Really? Yeah.

You really been
living it up, eh?

Have I? Rick, I'm
a free man again.

You wouldn't believe
the things I've been doing.

What have you been doing?

Everything I did
before I was married.

No kidding?

Yeah. Handball, basketball,
badminton, squash...

I'm pooped.

Gee, when do we eat?

I-I've been living on
peanut butter sandwiches.

Oh, are you expecting
somebody else?

Well, um, yes, Fred.

I-I-I took the liberty

of inviting a nice young lady

to be your dinner companion.

A young lady?

Yeah, a cute young chick.

Oh.

Well, bring her on.

Ho, ho, ho!

A young chick, huh?

Am I ready.

Yoo-hoo! He's here.

Come on out now.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Lucy, is that my date?

He's no dream. He's a nightmare.

Is that your idea of
a cute young chick?

You'll never shop
for my poultry.

Aw, now, come on.

As long as we're all here,

why don't we all
sit down and eat?

Yeah, come on, Ethel.

No, thanks. I just
lost my appetite.

Me, too. I'm leaving.

Where's my coat?

Where's my coat?

Well, all right,
Ricky, get their coats.

Okay.

Here you are, Fred.

Well, thanks.

Here you are, Ethel.

Thank you.

Well, as long as she's leaving,

I guess I could stay and
help you eat that food.

You're not letting him stay

and do you out of this
beautiful roast beef,

are you, Ethel?

Um, no. Why should I?

Good. Let's everybody sit down.

That a girl. Give me that coat.

Yeah, Fred, you
sit over here by me.

Well, thanks.

Uh, you two don't mind
sharing the piano bench, do you?

Now, let's see here.

Now, how is that, Ethel?

Not too much fat, is there?

There certainly is.

He means the meat.

Oh! Oh, no. The meat looks fine.

Oh, thanks. Here you are, Ethel.

Thank you.

Here you are, Fred.

Thank you.

Ah, potatoes.

Nice and hot, too.

And beans.

No potatoes, Ricky?

No. I'm strictly a meat man.

What about you, Fred?

Thank you, Lucy. Thank you.

Okay. String beans?

If it weren't for you,

I wouldn't get anything to eat.

Oh, here you are, Ethel.

Thank you.

Want some gravy, Ricky?

Yeah, a little bit, please.

Oh, on your meat?
Yeah, right on the meat.

I love gravy. That's it.

I love gravy.

Yeah?

Yes, I love gravy.

There, Lucy.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

There. Now, has
everybody got everything?

Yep. Yeah.

So...

This sure looks good.

I've never been so hungry.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Ethel, what happened?

He pushed me off the
bench, that's what happened.

I did not. She fell off.

Oh, that does it.

Roast beef or no
roast beef, I'm leaving!

Don't bother! I'll go.

Oh, you don't have to go...

Ethel, Ethel, please.

Ricky, I guess this
was a bad idea of mine.

Let's get their coats.

All right.

Here you are, Fred.

Thanks.

Here you are, Ethel.

Thanks.

Oh, oh!

Why, you...

What's going on here?

Lucy, let me out of here.

Untie this coat.

Not until you kiss and make up.

I'll never speak to him again

after the things he said to me.

What about the
things you said to me?

She said my mother
looks like a weasel.

Apologize, Ethel.

No.

Oh, come on, Ethel.

Tell him you're sorry.

Well, I'm sorry

your mother looks like a weasel.

Now, Ethel...

Well, he should have
more consideration.

After all, I gave him
the best years of my life.

Were those the best?

All right, all right.
Now you're even.

Now, what are your
terms for making up, Ethel?

Well, let him apologize.

He started it.

I did not.

You did, too, start it.

I did not! I never started it!

All right! All right. It
doesn't matter who started it.

What matters is
how it got started.

What was it all about?

Well...

Uh...

I was, uh, uh...

He said, uh...

I forget.

So do I.

You see? You can't
even remember.

Well, it wasn't how it started.

It was the things
we said afterward.

I'm sorry, Fred.

I apologize, honey bun.

Sweetie pie.

Baby doll.

Sugar lips.

You know, this
is pretty sickening.

I liked them better
when they were mad.

Let's get back to the dinner.

Now we can eat.

Dinner is getting cold.

Doesn't that food look great?

Aren't quarrels silly?

They sure are, honey.

When's the last time
we had a fight, Ricky?

Gosh, I don't remember, dear.

Neither do I.

See? Why don't
you two be like us?

That's a good idea.

I'll dye my hair red

and Fred can
speak with an accent.

Well, if I remember correctly,

you two had your spats.

Well...

Ricky only got
to go to the fights

with me last month

because you weren't
speaking to each other.

Oh, yeah.

But it didn't last long.

No. I gave in and
put an end to it.

Yeah. You want some
more gravy, Ethel?

What'd you say, Ricky?

You put an end to it?

I was the one who gave in.

Oh, pardon me, honey, but, uh,

I was the one that called the
whole thing off. Remember?

You? Well, I went all the way
down to your club to apologize.

Remember?

Well, honey, that was after...

You went down all the way
to the club and apologized...

After I sent you a dozen roses

with a card saying that I
was wrong. Remember?

Before, darling.

After, baby.

Before, dear.

After, sweetheart.

Before.

After.

Before.

It's your serve.

After!

I remember how tough it was

to-to-to-to write that card,

saying that I was
wrong when I was right.

Oh, you thought
that you were right?

I certainly did, and I still do.

Well, it's good to know

that I'm married to a hypocrite.

Hypocrite?

What's a hypocrite?

A person who says one thing

and means another.

Thanks.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Oh, now, Ricky take it easy.

She can't talk to me that way.

But she's excited.

That's no excuse.

That's plenty 'scuse.

And don't you make
fun of my English.

Hmph! That's English.

Si, es ingles, yo hablo muy
bien, muy perfectamente.

Usted no me tiene que
decir que no hablo bien.

How dare you say that to me?

What did I say?

I don't know, but how dare you?

I'll show you who gives
in first in this family.

Mira que me decia a mi
que yo no se hablar ingles

cuando lo he
estudiado perfectamente

en todas las universidades
muchisimos anos.

Yo hablo mejor que toda

la gente que esta
sentada en la mesa aqui.

And, whenever you're ready
to call me and apologize,

you can call me
down at the club!

Don't hold your breath!

Ha!

Fred? Fred, we'd better go.

Yes, yes... No,
no, no, don't go.

We'll just finish our dinner.

Certainly not going to let him

spoil a dinner for us.

This meat is cooked
just the way I like it...

Nice and juicy.

Yoo-hoo!

Lucy, where are you?

I'm in the bedroom.

Good morning.

Morning.

Oh...

You've been crying.

I have not.

A rabbit should
have such pink eyes.

I'm getting a cold.

Oh.

I gather Ricky didn't
come home last night.

You mean that
funny-looking Cuban

that used to hang around here?

Yeah, that's the guy
I had reference to.

No, he didn't come
home last night,

and he didn't call this morning.

Not that it makes
any difference to me.

Oh, I can see it doesn't
matter to old indifferent you.

Why don't call him up

and tell him you're sorry?

What? Swallow my pride?

Call him up and go
crawling back to him?

Hah!

Well...

Besides, the line was busy.

I thought so.

Call him up again.

I will not.

Why not?

I called him once.
Now it's his turn.

What if he never calls you?

Then we'll just never
see each other again.

Oh, we can't have that.

Now, let's see.

I could invite
you both to dinner

without telling the other,

but that's been
done a lot lately.

Yeah, that's a pretty stale bit.

I know. We'll use the
old sympathy routine.

Sympathy routine?

Yeah. You know
how families are...

No matter what
differences they've had,

they always unite in
cases of sickness, accident

and terrible tragedy.

What are you talking about?

I'll call up Ricky and tell him
you've been run over by a bus.

Run over by a bus?

Yeah.

Well, that seems rather drastic.

Oh, we'll only pretend.

Oh.

I'll wrap you all
up in bandages,

and then I'll call him up

and tell him you've
had a terrible accident.

That'll bring him back.

Well, it might work.

It can't miss.

Have you got plenty
of adhesive tape

and bandages in the house?

Well, that all depends.

On what?

On what kind of a bus I
get hit by... local or express.

You like the peanut
butter sandwiches

they serve here, Rick?

Kind of stick

to the roof of your
mouth, don't they?

Yeah.

Oh, just give me
a small grape juice.

It's none of my business,
Rick, but this is silly.

Why don't you break
down and call Lucy?

What? And give
her the satisfaction

of knowing that I gave in first?

Well, I was just thinking.

Besides, the line was busy.

Well, what do you want to do?

Go through life with
a sticky upper plate?

There are other places to eat

besides this
drugstore, you know.

You know what I mean.

I know all about this business.

Why don't you
swallow your pride?

I'm having enough
trouble with this sandwich.

If only we could think

of a way to bring
you two together

without making
you make up first.

Let's give this a good think.

Yeah.

We're very noisy thinkers.

If only the apartment
would catch on fire,

and you could rush
in and save Lucy.

What did she put in there?

No, I saw it last
week on television.

This girl couldn't
stand this guy

until he saved
her life in a fire.

Then she was so
grateful, she married him.

Well, thanks, Fred.
That's a swell idea,

but I hardly think

that I will set your
apartment building on fire.

Of course. That's it.

You must be daffy
or heavily insured.

Oh, you don't understand.

We just pretend to set
the apartment on fire.

How do you pretend
to have a fire?

It's easy.

That strap tight enough, Lucy?

I guess so.

How about this?
A little tighter.

How's that? Okay.

This comfortable?

Yeah.

Now, put your arm in this sling.

Oh.

There.

Okay.

That's great. You look fine.

I hope you got the number
of the bus that hit me.

You know,

you look like you
really were hit.

And dragged nine blocks.

Come on, now. Get in bed.

Oh, oh, oh, here. I'll help you.

Get your legs up.

Want another pillow?

Yeah.

Oh.

How's that?

Okay. Ooh... I got an itch.

Where? Right under my arm.

Right back there.

Right there, to the
right, to the right.

Over, over, up. Over?

Ah! Oh!

Thanks.

I got to go before
Ricky gets home.

Are you sure he's coming, Ethel?

I called the club, and
they said he was out,

but they'd give him the message.

Well, I hope he hurries.

Are you okay?

Okay? I've been in
a terrible accident.

Good luck.

She must be in
the bedroom. Yeah.

Pull that couch
out of there. Okay.

Hurry up.

Hurry up. That ought to do it.

Hook up the fan.

Okay.

Here. Here's the switch.

Right in here. I got it.

Go ahead.

Think this ought to do it?

Yeah, that will do it fine.

Help! Fire! The
building's on fire!

Run for your lives!

Hey, what's going on here?

What's going on here?

Ricky, I'm glad you're here.

Lucy's trapped in the bedroom.

Well, I'm going to go
in there and save her.

No, no! The whole place
is a solid wall of flames.

I'm going in there no
matter what you say.

Hold him, men! Hold him!

Let me go! Let me go!

I'm going in there
and save my wife.

Stand back.

You'll be burned to a cinder.

I'm going in there,
men! Let me go.

I'm going in there no
matter what happens.

Careful, everybody.

The whole building is
beginning to crumble.

I'm going in no matter
what happens to me.

Let me go! Let me go!

Let me go, let me go, fellows!

Don't hold me back.

Do you think it's time to go in?

Yeah. All right.

I'm going in there.
Lucy, don't worry.

I'm coming in to save you.

Right now. Here we go.

Where are you, Lucy?

Where are you? Are you in there?

She's not here.

She's not in there.

How do you like that?

We went through
all that trouble,

and she wasn't even here.

Gee, honey. Now, are you sure

those bandages are fake?

Uh, yeah, honey.

Are you sure you're all right?

I'm fine.

Here, honey. Let me help you.

It's a good thing

the Mertzes had their awning up.

Aw, honey, it was all my fault.

No, it was my fault, honey.

Weren't we silly?

Yeah. We'll never argue again.

No, baby.

Are you okay, Lucy?

Yeah, Fred, I'm fine.

Sure?

Sure.

Oh, thank heavens
you're all right.

Why? What's the matter?

Well, when I told Ethel

the whole gag was my idea,

she got mad and went
home to her mother.

Oh!

I Love Lucy is a
Desilu production.