I Hate Suzie (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
- There were some photos

posted online,

and I just want to
say it's not me, no.

I mean, I wish I was that thin.

- So obviously, it's not
your husband's penis.

- Do you want me to
answer that? I don't...

- Whose cock is it?

Whose fucking cock is it?
- The point is,

we should all be fine
with seeing someone

with a cock in their
hand; we're not children.

- But there are
children in the world.

And also, we have one.

- Your dad's gonna do a chat

with one of the
men from "The Sun."

And Archie is gonna
get 30 grand a gift.

I mean, have you got her a gift?

- Yeah, I've got her a gift.

I've got her...
- What?

- An air purifier
that also cools.

- You seriously think Disney
are gonna want to work

with you with a drug scandal?

You're delusional.

- Oh, you're so codependent.

- I'm codependent?

- Oh, I'm codependent?

- You're so codependent.

- Don't talk down to me like
some proxy kid, all right?

If you want to do
that, why don't you

just have a fucking baby?

- Because I am not that selfish.

- And you're perimenopausal.

- Perimenopausal?

I feel like my whole
life, I've just...

I've seen everything from
other people's points of view.

I really, really don't want
to be an agent anymore.

- What do your other clients
have to say about this?

- You're the only person
I didn't know how to tell.

- You need to face up
to what you've done, OK?

Not just to me but to Frank.

Because those photos
will never go away, OK?

His memory of his birthday
will never go away.

- You're Mummy's secret weapon.

Do you know that?

- You're leaving me?

You're leaving me? Is
that what you're saying?

You're fucking leaving

- The truth is, I
don't love you, Cob.

But I think that's fair enough,

considering what you're like.

- I will never...

fucking forgive you,

and I will make your life

a living hell from now on.

- As long as I'm not
pregnant or anything.


- 3, 4.1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2.

- 6, 7, 8. And 1, 2.

- You have 30 seconds
to finish voting, guys.

Get on the "DC" app
and press to bless.

You decide who stays
in the competition.

- Suzie Pickles, that
was unbelievable.

All devised by yourself
with the limited support

of a choreographer.
- Yeah.

- Let's see what the public
is saying in real time.

Let's view the Craze Displays.

And they are blessing
with pressing right now

on their phones
from their homes.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

And it is low.

Oh, darling, it is low.

Wow, that is the
lowest tonight so far.


how do you feel?

- I mean, wow.

You know, not...

I mean, not... I
mean, not ideal.

- Mm, and what do
you think went wrong?

- Honestly, I don't think
anything went wrong.

I guess they just
didn't like... it.

- OK. Our lovely
celebrity contestants

only have four weeks before
the final on Christmas Eve.

Whoever gets the lowest score
tonight will be going home.

Let's see what our next
contestant has in store.

It's Benny H.

- One minute 30 on VT, everyone!

- Soupy off stage.

- Oh, gosh, are you OK, Suzie?

Bit of a shock?
- Yeah. I just...

- You know, Veronica's

- No, no, no, I
don't need psych.

- Poor old Veronica.

Everyone on this
show is so robust.

- I just... I need
to get back to...

- Your agent is
here with a PR guy

just round the corner,
I think. Is that right?

- Oh, hi.
- That was ridiculous.

- I didn't know that you were...
- Sorry, can we just clear

this area, please?
- Yeah, they did ask

that we stay in or
around the greenroom,

but nobody's actually
defined the space.

- Soupy heading out.

- How are you doing?

- I'm out, right?

That was... crazy low.

I mean, it was...
did you see it?

Was it terrible?
- Maybe I'm mad,

but I don't believe
that response.

I'm gonna talk to them.
- Suzie.

- Yeah?
- Holland.

Sorry, we've not met in person.
- Hi. God. Tall.

- Have you met anybody
from the PR team?

- Oh, stop.
- Can we keep moving, please?

- I'm embarrassed.
I'm so embarrassed.

- Suzie.
- Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

Why are you here? Is
everything all right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just here.

- He's a supportive presence.

- I need some water, please.

My mouth is...

- Listen, you need...
- This is empty.

- You need to be inside
your own experience

right now, you know?

White noise from the
MailOnline is totally banned.

- Oh, shit. Has he
done it? Is it out?

Of course it's out tonight.

- The piece is online now and
will run in print tomorrow.

- I'm so proud of
you for not doing

the obvious thing out there.

Well, how is it?
What does he say?

- Well, as an interview,
as tell-alls go,

it's your husband in a
park looking wronged.

- Excuse me, Suzie.

- And he does discuss
your marriage.

- Actually, we should...

Just let me detach the mic.

- Good thought.

- Is this gonna be... Is
this gonna be a quiet spot?

- The dressing rooms are just
upstairs, so if we keep...

- Can we just hang here
just for two minutes?

Is that OK?

- You do need to get
back up to the...

- Literally just two minutes.

- What can we say?
He's a narcissist.

- Please, just until I...

- Sure.

- Just 'cause it's
sewn into the thing.

- Take that.
- Can you get under there?

You need to pull it taut.

- Clear back to the
greenroom, please.

- Great.

- Soupy, thank you.

- Ooh.
- OK.

- Oh, my...

Oh, my God, it's...


- Are we good?
- Yes.

- Right, OK.
- Breathe.

- The thing is, if he
just tells the story

from his point of view...
- Yeah?

discovered these photos

"of my wife with another
man at the same time

"as everyone else,
and then she left me

and our son six months ago."

When you just tell the
story with the facts,

he can seem like...

he gives good reasonable.

- This is not
fucking reasonable.

This is punishment
for doing the show.

- All right, Suzie?
- He's jealous.

- All right, Soupy.
- You're doing really well.

- Such a fuckup!
- It's all right.

You're the one that's
reasonable, Suzie.

You are. OK?
- It's a question...

Not for now, but it's a question

of how to respond.
- What?

Respond like what?

- Well, we think just a
short heartfelt apology.

- What am I apologizing for?

- Well, nothing specific.

Just generally in the world,

we don't always behave in
the way that we would like.

- Right, so I just
apologize for everything?

- Well, or is it silence?

Is it dignity?

- Thank you.

- They're like buses,
the ex-husbands.

- OK.

- Here comes another one.

- Bailey.

- Say it ain't so, babe.

- Oh! No, no, stop.

Stop, please.

Don't, because my
eyelash is attached.

Just don't move.

- Oh, my God, my sequins
are literally blinding you.

- Oh, my God. Ugh!

- You were great, by the way.
- Oh, no, I was terrible.

Shame, shame, shame.

- Great, great,
great. You want shame?

Check this out. I am
shitting it, seriously.

The old tum-tum,
touch of diarrhea.

They're gonna be cleaning
shit off sequins for days.

- No, you look great.

You look great.

- Jam fairy!

Suzie, there's your jam.
- Thanks.

- Oh, my gosh, that
was unbelievable.

- Thank you.
- Are you OK?

- Yeah.
- Is there anything I can do?

- I'm fine. Thank you.
- OK.

Bailey, your jam's in your room.

- Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Soupy's in her nest.

Oh, come on.

No, don't fall out.

Oh, God.

Stay in. Stay in. Stay in.

- Welcome to Pathways
Reproductive Choices.

There is an unusually high
demand for our services

at the moment.

- Due to high call volume,

we may take an extremely long
time to answer your call.

Please visit our
web chat service

for general advice or support.

Oh, my God.

Go on.

Get fucking down there.

- That's it.

All gone. Back to the sea.

Now, you don't want
another one, do you,

because I've already
put that in the paper.

- All right?
- All right.

All right.

- What's going on?

- You were up late.

There you go.
- Yeah.

- So I've decided
to do the show.

- "Dance Crazee"?


- Fucking A.

Who's saying yes to toast?
- Fuck it.

What I've got to lose anyway?

It's only the
Christmas one. Ooh.

- They're gonna
put you up, yeah?

- Shane, that's my sister.

You're welcome to
stay forever, babe.

- Thanks, babe, but look, I
can't spend rest of my life

in your box room,
scrolling Insta.

- Do you want some
help with that?

- No. It's OK. I've got it.

Make myself useful, Shane.

So I'm doing it.

I am doing it.

- She's doing it.
And she's doing it.

- I'm doing it.
- And she's doing it,

and she's doing it in dance.

- I'm doing it. Bye.

- Bye.

- Hi, Suzie, we need to
put a mic on you now.

Is that all right?
- Yeah.

- Oh.

- OK.
- OK, I'll take it.

- Ooh.
- I'll just...


- Sorry.
- Do you want me to take that?

- Yes, that'd be great.

Thank you.

There we go. There
we go. There we go.

- Soupy to stage.
- OK.

Let's dance.

- Oh, just so know, your
guests are in the greenroom.

- OK. Yeah.

So how long have
you been here for?

- Me? Oh, awhile. A few years?

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- Gosh, you look so young.

- OK.

Do you need anything?
- No, I'm fine. Thank you.

- Don't seem too nervous
for your first dance.

Oh, hey. Hi.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Yeah? Da-da.

Got it.


Oh, well done.

Well done.
- Yes, thanks.

- Next up...

- It's actress and
celebrity Suzie Pickles.

You've seen her up.
You've seen her down.

But you've never
seen her like this.

Dancing to win your hearts

and to also win
"Dance Crazee Xmas,"

it's Suzie Pickles.

- Oh, sorry to leave you.

- Hi.

- Ooh.

I don't know if it's gauche
to say, but I thought robbed,

by the way.
- Oh, thanks.

Suzie, good morning.

Oh, we thought
robbed, by the way.

I don't know, but my God.

- I didn't you watched.

- Annabelle's obsessed.
- Oh.

- I think they found your
mother wandering the halls.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

- Hi, Mum.
- Hi.

Oh, my God, love.

I'm so sorry about the show.

I mean, first out?
What's that about?

- Thanks.
- It's just...

It's humiliating, isn't it?
- Thanks, Mum. Thanks.

- So today will be a
three-room meeting.

The respondent has requested
a very brisk pace with it all.

- Yeah, I bet.
- Is that Cob?

- Yes, Mum.

You can talk at a normal volume.

This is our room.

- So what about the
financials, then?

- 50/50, as with custody.

- Oh, right. Well,
then that's...

That's all right.

- Half of everything I earned

whilst we were married, he gets.

Even though it's in
my account, it's gone.

- Wait, hang on.

He gets her money?
- Mm-hmm.

- When one partner makes
more during a marriage,

it is always deemed
joint income.

The law says he gets half.

- Yeah, but I mean,
she earned it.

Anyway, that's when
the husband works

and the woman stays at home
looking after the kids.

And she did most of that anyway.

- Yes, interestingly.

Studies show that, in
fact, when women earn more

than their partners,
they actually tend

to do more of the
household work on top

compared to other couples.

We don't know why.

There's a theory that it's a way

to restore traditional
gender roles

so as not to further intimidate.

- Yes, it could be argued
the law does somewhat

disenfranchise high-earning
working mothers,

if you will be so

Anyway, call me old-fashioned.

I'm always underwhelmed when
a man takes a woman's money,

but the law is clear.

Oh, hi, can I help you?

- Hello, hi. Cob Betterton...

- I think the
respondent has arrived.

- But he doesn't come
in here, does he?

- No, no, no, it's all
done by us in negotiation.

We move between rooms,

his lawyers and yourselves.

- Good morning.

- Mm.

- Would you like some tea?

- Yes, I would rather like some.

Me and Suzie's dad
never got a divorce.

- Oh, that's good.

- No, no, I mean, I just mean
we never got round to it.

- You didn't want to
ever remarry or...

- Oh, no. What... did I?

No, no. My God.

No, I mean, I think you just
get, like, one big swing,

and it's downhill from there.

- Fucking hell, Mum.

- No, no, not for you.

No, you're a trier.
You're a trier.

I'm the one learning from
you. Look, second time.

- The respondent, in his wisdom,

is representing himself.

- That's clever, cheaper.

- Wait, so there's no...

It's just a man in
a room being angry?

- Yes, and beginning from
a rather aggressive stance.

He wants to remain
in the marital home,

which is unusual.
- It's fine. I hate that house.

- Well, let's marinate a moment.

- He's claiming it would
be better for Frank

to have a consistent...

- Yeah, yeah, fine. Agreed.

- Bear in mind
that you won't have

the money from the sale of it.

- Right, so I'd have no home...

and no money.

Well, as long as I have Frank.

- The respondent wishes to alter

arrangements around Christmas.

- No, he has him loads at the
moment while I do the show,

and then I get Christmas.

That's what we... And
I've promised, so...

- Quite right.

It's just, now he's
pointing out that your work

is no longer...

- Oh, bother.

- Or has he charmingly put it,
now that you've flamed out,

you could take Frank
for 50% of the time,

and Frank could spend Christmas
in the family home with him.

- No, we agreed.

- For sure.

But it's a sticking point.

- OK, well, it's a sticking
point for me, you know?

This is our first Christmas.

This will be his first
Christmas with just...

- Is there any
form of compromise?

- No.

- Now the respondent's making
noises about full custody.

It's a bullying tactic, frankly.


OK, well...

if that's what this...

If this is really...

Like, if we...

If we both want Frank
at home, then...

Maybe we just do a couple
of hours in the morning

at the house all together...

So that neither of us has to...

Just for Christmas, so yeah.

OK, so maybe...

we do the morning together

and then one of us
takes him afterwards.

Maybe it's... yes.

- The quote was, "You're
either a family or you're not."

But he also said to tell you
to remember Frank's birthday.

So I presume there's a
trade-off there, a swap...

Birthday for Christmas.

- No, that's a threat.

- Hmm?

- Well, what is it?

- He's trying to
bring up that at...

Frank's birthday party,
I lost my temper.

No, sorry. I actually...

Forget it. I think
you're right.

No, I think you're right.
I think it is a trade-off.

Yeah, OK, sorry.

I just... I get confused.

- He gets Christmas?

- OK, yeah.

- There are lots of
Christmases, love.

It's all right.
- Mm.

- OK, bye.

Mum, thanks for coming.

- Hello?
- Hi.

I just...

I just wanted to say I'm
sorry, really, and...

And I haven't been able to
check my phone at the moment.

I haven't been looking
at messages, so...

- That's OK.

I haven't been messaging.


What's going on?

I mean, how's things?

- All things?

- I should let you go.

No, sorry, I should
say I want to go.

Like, sorry.

I'm the one who wants to go.

- Wow. Someone's
been doing some work.

Hey. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- Sorry, I thought I was early.

- No, you are. You are.

- Your hair.
- I know.

- Hi.

- What do you want?
- What are you having?

- No, what do you want?

- Oh.

- OK, sorry, but don't
be cross, though,

'cause I'm actually
not drinking.

- Oh, my God, I'm not drinking.

- No way.
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Why would I be cross?

Oh, my God, do you think
I'm a total alcoholic

who needs her dependence

propped up by
everyone around her

and is threatened by
anyone going sober?

- No, no, that's me.
That's literally me.

No, I just thought it would be
nice for us to have a drink,

and so I'm stopping us
from doing the nice thing.

Oh, my God.

Did you miss me?

- Excuse me.

- Wait, is this a
Swedish sperm bank?

- No, Danish.

The law's much
better over there.

The guys who donate here, ugh...

You do not want.

There you get a full CV,

voice recording, baby
photos so you can see

what they looked like as a kid.

I'm just doing one
round of IVF, that's it.

I'm not gonna get
insane about it.

I'm fine whichever way.

I either get a baby or a
massive sense of grievance,

and I'm good with either
one of those things.

- I mean, I don't
really know what to say.

This baby looks like his
spunk will eventually be good.


It's just a really
good impetus for me

to get my life in
order 'cause I put

an offer while I was in
Tehran on this place,

sight unseen.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

- That's huge for you.

- They've accepted.

- Honor Oak Park?
- Yeah, it's south.

- Wait, there's a utility room.
- Yeah.

Well, there's this tax
thing when you get older

about gifting your kids.

My dad said it's better than
waiting for inheritance.

- All right. Cool, cool.

And there's obviously
all that voice-over work

I did last year, so...

So anyway, it's my utility room?

- Yeah, yeah. You
can have a drawer.

Fabric softener.

- Thank you.
- Hmm.

Stuff's just really
good at the moment.

- That's great.
- Just...

Not because... just...
- It's fine.

- You know?
- No, it's fine. I get it.

Like, it was an unhealthy
situation, us...

- Yeah, exactly.

- Working together,
and I'm the same.

I feel great at the moment.

Like, I'm just...

I'm off the booze.

I'm off everything,
and that was Sian.

- Well, she's the best there is.

- Yeah. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm terrified of her,

which is... you know, it's great

to be genuinely
frightened of my agent.

Like, I realized I need that.

I was just like, oh,
my God, Sian, I just...

I need you to sort my
life out, you know?

No fucking Cobs. No shit.

I don't want to be in a room
with birthday cake, you know?

I don't want to
be smelling bacon.

And she's like, yep,
yep, yep, yep, yep,

done it, on it, you know,
just giving boundaries.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

- Yes, boundaries.

So was "Dance
Crazee" Sian's idea?

- No.
- No?

'Cause they've
always asked before.

- It was Bailey.

'Cause Bailey's
doing the show...

- OK.
- And he was like,

I don't want to do
the show on my own,

and, like, you look like you

could get out of the house.

- OK. Best ex-husband ever.

- Ever.

You know, it's not like I've
got any other work offers.

I mean, money and
life is just...

And my agent dropped me, so...

- Yeah.

You lost a really good agent.

- First contestant
out on "Dance Crazee."

I don't know. Did you see it?

- Yeah, now, I saw it.
- Did you?

- Yeah.

- Do you follow
Crystal Christie?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- Did she win last year?
- She did.

I mean, look, she's
losing her mind,

but she gets 100 grand a post.

- Product placement?
- It's obscene. Yes?

- Excuse me, ladies, so sorry,

but this area now turns
into a club night.

- Ooh.
- And we actually

move the seats to one side.
- OK.

- But I'd love to
offer you a free drink.

You want to hang out at the bar?

- So sorry.
- Do you want to...

- Yeah, I would, sure.

- Yeah? Yeah. I mean,
if it's free, though.

- Yeah.
- Maybe I'll have one, though.

Like, action.

- Just commiserations,

- Yes. I'll have
one if you have one.

- Yes, I will have
one, but just one.

- Yeah, just one.

- It's weird 'cause
I've always thought

of my dad as this
stern, old-fashioned,

slightly autistic guy.
- Yeah?

- And then they're
all describing him

as running away with my mum

as this, like, Romeo and Juliet.

- That pathetic that you
need that much attention,

needed to be in
that kind of show.

- It's about making decisions
that enlarge you, you know?

- That's not my voice.
That's his voice.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't
ask what makes me happy.

Ask what will make me bigger.

- It's like, it's not like
I want everyone to love me.

Just give me a fucking
chance to grow, you know?

- Right, right.
- Oh, my God!

- I love you!

I can't believe they booted
you on "Dance Crazee"!

- Aw. Hey, will you take a
picture of me and my mate?

- Of course. Give
us your phone.

- Ooh.
- Come on, then.

Oh, gorge. Come on,
let's all get in.

- Oh, OK. Take a selfie.

- One for the lads.


Yes, fun.

You have a good night, love.

You're the

- Suze?

I need to go.

- Let's go.

Suze, who is this? Huh?

Is this Cob?

Babe, there are a lot
of unread messages.

- Yeah, I know. I know.

I just can't. I just can't.

It's just very long lists

of everything that's
wrong with me.

So then he sends me more
paragraphs, and it's just...

I've stopped being able
to look at my phone,

like, and it's fucking
me up with everything,

like work and custody stuff.

And it's worse now since
I've done the show.

And he's done, like,
this fucking interview

with a newspaper.

Like, my fucking
ex-husband, you know,

talking about what it's
like to be married to me.

Like, I just can't read it.

I can't.

You know, I wanted to go
to court and say, look,

this is bullying behavior.

But he basically threatened
me until I agreed not to.

- Babe, this is fucked.

Want some MDMA?

- No, I can't, not MDMA.

That's gonna make everything
seem like it's OK,

and everything is not OK.

- But that's the
ideal time for MDMA.

- I know, but I
have to be perfect,

'cause he knows all this stuff.

And he says that I'm

an inconsistent
presence in the home,

and I am, Nay.

I am an inconsistent presence.

Like, when I'm there,
I'm there, right?

Like, I'm fully there.

But when I'm not there,

I'm, like, not there, literally.

I'm, like, somewhere else.

And if I'm not perfect,

he's gonna take my
kid away from me.

- This doesn't happen;
people don't just have

their kids taken away from them

unless they're severely
abusive or mentally ill.

This is crazy.

- OK, great, well,
then I'm crazy,

so they'll take my kid away.

- I'm so tempted
to respond to him.

- Oh, my God,
text him. Do that.

Yeah, that would be
the most amazing thing

that anyone's ever done for
me in my life, like, ever.

- I managed you for 12 years.

- Look, it's just, I'm
really worried about Frank.

Like, I can see...

I can see what it's
doing to him, you know?

- Yeah. No, I am gonna
respond, pretending to be you.

I'm gonna respond as you.

Let's reverse Cyrano
de Bergerac this fuck.

- Oh, my God, Nay,
I love you, Nay,

but what about your boundaries?

- Suze, they're my boundaries.

You have to maintain
your boundaries

by not worrying
about my boundaries.

- Yeah.
- You have to let me

let down my boundaries.

This is me keeping my boundaries

by choosing to let them down.

Liam, yes!
- Thank you.

Thank you.

- It is wildly
inappropriate for you

to be contacting me
at this time of night.

Please stop harassing me.

- Are you really
gonna send that?

- Of course. He's not
your husband anymore.

He's just some guy,

not like, oh, God, I'm
this poor, wounded bear.

You wounded me, and now
you have to heal me.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, that's right.

- Listen, without
wishing to overstep,

you have many, many missed calls

from your agent, for whom
I have nothing but respect.

- No work. No work.
- Also, your dad is saying

he wants to do a
tell-all on the tell-all.

- OK, listen, do
you think it's gross

if we watch "Dance Crazee"?

'Cause it'll be online now.

- Yeah. Fuck it.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, let's do it.
- Yeah?

Oh, yeah.
- I got it. I got it.

- Oh, thanks.

God, are you reading it?

- My God. He looks so cold.

Why is he so cold?

Cob, you should have had
your photo taken inside.

Then you wouldn't be so cold.

He's so barefaced.

God, he really rewards a beard.

- No, no, no.
- Oh, my God.

- I bet he loves
that I got thrown out

of the show in the first week.

I bet he fucking loves it.

- Are you sure you
want to watch this?

- Why? Is it that bad?

- To be honest, Suzie, these
people are C-listers, man.

You don't need to be there.

- Shane, that's
so disrespectful.

- No, I'm just saying
she's better off out of it.


- That guy recommended me
my worst-ever therapist.

Look how old he's got.
What happened to his eyes?

- Can I skip forward?

- Yes. Please.

We only want to see me.

- Oh, my God, the end.

- Oh, my God, what?
- Oh, my God.

"So your ex-wife was an actress.

What play does it feel
like you're in right now?"

- Does he answer that?
- Such a prat.

- "Well, I know it
might look to people

like it's 'A Doll's
House'"... Great call for all

the "Daily Mail" readers
who love "A Doll's House"...

"but really, I feel
like I'm in 'Medea.'"

- What does that even mean?

- All right, it's Suzie. Whoo!

There she goes.

- OK, let's watch
the heifer fuck it.

- You got motion smoothing on?

- Turn fucking
motion smoothing off.

- Who would you have
chosen to dance with next?

I reckon that football guy.
- Oh, blatantly.

- I think I was
actually really good.

- Yeah.

- Like, really.

- Can't get over the cock.

- Oh, preach.

- It's women that vote on
these things, you know.

Why do women hate women so much?

We're all such
stupid venal bitches.

- Oh, my God, totally.

- All devised by yourself

with the limited support...

- I loved doing that.

Dancing was what I
always wanted to do

before the singing and the
acting, wasn't it, Arch?

- Yeah. Yeah, it was.

You did amazing, babe.

- Listen, I think they're
gonna ask you to come back.

And if I were your agent,
which I'm not, which is good,

as discussed, I'd be saying
to the producers, uh, what?

Her and her ex-ex
in the same show?

- No, fuck him. Fuck him.
- You know what?

Every fucker knows
that Georgina Kaplan

has two separate
eating disorders

and that she's barely
keeping it together.

I mean, it's actually
fucking irresponsible.

- Oh, my God, that's
probably the jam thing.

She keeps giving
everyone fucking jam.

- Yeah, and Danny
Carno's dad just died,

so I don't know,

like, there's a
new format somehow.

You're back.
- No, mate.

Also, I've got a shred
of fucking dignity.

- Anyway, thanks so
much for coming in.

- Look, the show is
a party, essentially.

I mean, "DC" fans
really feel that.

Now, if you don't
talk long enough

to a stranger at a party,

you might just think
that they're irritating

or loud or obnoxious.

But if you got a chance
to give them more time,

you know, you might find
their essential humanity.

- So you want her back?

- We like to alter format.

You know, we think it
keeps things fresh,

but it has to be
done with integrity.

- Confidence.
- Yeah.

- Sure, and we were always
planning a format change,

this series called
"Second Dance."

- Yeah, like "Second Chance."
- Yeah.

As in, if
anyone dropped out,

the audience would vote
which former contestant

could come back to
replace them and have a...

- Second dance.
- Yeah.

- Right, but no
one's dropped out.

- Look, as we skirted
around on the phone,

Georgina has been talking openly

about whether or
not she can deal

with the pressures of the show.

- Yeah, yeah, and she's a woman,

so the press is saying
she's crazy, et cetera.

- Exactly.

- But she is really
struggling, so...

- Yeah.

I mean, it is a lot of jam.

- Yeah, and if that
does become the case,

well, we only have
one former contestant.

- Surprise!
- Ah!


- Listen, I know Georgina.

I love Georgina, you know?

I myself have suffered from
eating disorders myself...

Not, you know, now.

But those are actually
the mental illnesses

that most often result
in death in this country,

so it's really not something
to mess about with.

- Absolutely.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, well, I thought
that was depression.

- No, anorexia nervosa.

- Well, depression for men.

- Oh, that's interesting.

- Yeah, depression for
men, anorexia for women.

Also, I suppose that depression
doesn't actually kill the men.

It's whatever it is,
the gun or bridge

or technically whatever
they, you know...

Well, not the bridge, the
fall from the bridge...

Or not even the
fall, the impact.

Anyway, we all
have different ways

of killing ourselves,

- Yeah, self-care.
- Mm.

- It's something that
perhaps we need to look at,

you know, gently with
Georgina, you know,

and relatively
quickly, I think, yeah.

- OK, but it's just,

people are gonna
hate me even more

for replacing her, you know?

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just want to crawl into a hole

and die/take care of my kid.

- Listen, well, your kid's
not gonna be very happy

in the hole with a dead mum.

Colin, thoughts?

- OK, well, I
mean, first of all,

no one hates you.
- No.

- You are innately
extremely lovable.

- Thanks.
- And we do have experience

on this show of gently guiding

the British public with VTs
and such like, you know,

against their worse instincts.

- And there are ways
this is a feminist issue.

- Yes, yes.
- Oh, absolutely.

- You know, sometimes we
have to give ourselves

a little bit of a talking to.

I mean, are you happy
with everyone hating you?

- Well, no, it's not lovely.

- No, so you might... you
might welcome the opportunity

being given to you by
a major broadcaster

to turn that around.

Like, when people say your name,

they'd say Suzie Pickles,
who won "Dance Crazee Xmas,"

rather than Suzie Pickles...
- Yeah.

- Sucked off her boss
and it's on the internet.

- All right. OK, thanks.

- I'm just being the voice of
someone else there, you know.

- Yeah, yeah.

- You know, in the
final, every year,

audiences say screw whatever
narrative they've been sold

and they just vote
for the best dancer.

They just do.
- Really?

'Cause what I
really think is that

I don't deserve to be out.

Like, no, I don't...

I don't think that was fair.

- Yes, of course.
- No, no, no,

that that goes without saying.

I mean, the question is,

what are you afraid of?

- I'm afraid of fucking
everything, Sian.

- We're clear.

We want to keep the format fresh

and give the audience
another chance.

- Well, contractually,
what can we do?

- OK, keep dancing.

Find yourself a partner and
say something about yourself.

Hi, I'm Ashley.

I like broccoli.

Anything you like.

Different each time.

- Hi again.

I'm Suzie,

and I'm grateful to be back.

- OK, swap.
- I'm Bailey.


- And I used to
be married to you.

- I'm Suzie, and I have
absolutely no memory of that.

- Ah.
- OK, change.

- I'm not an alcoholic, but
I probably drink too much.

- Hey, hey.

I'm Otis, and I love my country.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- I'm Stella.
- Oh, hi.

- Oh, sorry.
- Wow.

- And I have two dogs.

- Oh, ooh.

I'm Suzie, and I have no dogs.

I hate dogs.
- OK, change.

- I'm Danny.

My dad died, and I can't
think about anything else.

- Lovely. OK, OK, spread out.

Now, we know that the theme
of this week is pairing up.

Remember, guys, best dancers
get to pick their partner.

If you don't get
picked, you go home.

So you want to be in the
top half of the leaderboard

to ensure that
you're a picker...

- Any idea?
- And not a pickee.

- No idea.
- Oh, good.

I thought I was thick.

- No, you are thick, but...

- Nice to have
you back, Pickles.

- Ooh.
- And let's move those hips.

Sink it nice and low.

And hip, hip, hip, hip.

Step, step, step.

- Step, step, step.

Somebody help me!

- Can you just get
out of the way?

- One more. One
more, one more!

Slide, step. Slide, step.

- Whoo!

- OK, let's go again.

We have got this.

We're so close.

No one wants to go
home tomorrow night.

Are you ready?
- Yes, we're ready.

Come on.
- Let's do one from the top.

Let's stay focused
but keep the fun, OK?

- Whoo!
- All right.

- Come on!
- Yes!

- All right.
- Come on.

- OK, guys, let's get
into this opening tableau.

Hold this. 5, 6, 7, holding.

1, 2, 3.

- OK, so that was
bonkers and brilliant

and only week two, oh.

We owe so much thanks to
our choreographer, Ashley.

And now the bit that makes
my heart go dance crazee.

It's time to couple up.

Whoever doesn't get
picked will be going home.

And the voting is closed.

Who will be dancing with who?

You'll be voting for
your favorite dancer,

and that will decide the
order they get to choose

their Christmas
companion for next week.

- Yes!
- Oh!

- Yes!

- We start at the top
of the leaderboard,

and it is Danny Carno.

Danny, how you doing?

Yeah, I'm all right.

It's been the hardest
week of my life,

but this has, weirdly, for
me been a respite, so...

- OK, so I will get into it.

You've been voted
the best dancer here.

Who do you, Danny, want
to dance with next week?

- Everyone here's a legend.

I'd happily dance with anyone.

Tab, would you dance with me?

- Yes!
- Tab!

- Oh, look at that.

Ex-footballer and
current footballer.

What a score.

- Go, Stella!

- Who's it gonna be?


Would you like to be my partner?

- Yes, please.

- Aw, Zak, how do you feel?

- Very happy.
- Joy, here we go.

Up next.


- So far, so heteronormative.

You're adorable.

Bailey Quinn.

Will it be Otis Carver,
ex-military journalist

and activist, or your ex-wife?

- I hate having to do this,
but I also have to, obviously.

But neither of these
people deserve to be solo.

They're both better
dancers than me.

But of course, I'm afraid it...

Oh, Otis.

I'm sorry, Otis, but it
has to be my Suzie P.

- Thank you, thank
you, thank you.

- No, thank you for making
me look transphobic.

- You were the
best one out there.

- Oh, look, I'm
gonna call Frank.

Will you hold the phone
for... Wait, wait.

Hey! Hold it. Hold it.

Hey, baby.

- Hey! Did you see me?

Were you watching?

- Mummy.

- Did you see Mummy?

- Sorry. Wait.

What do you mean?

No, he does have the channel.

Is it... right, is
that what he said?

Is he there?

- Yeah, it's not
your time, Suzie.

It's not your time. Thank you.

- Did he hang up?

- Suzie, sorry, your
dressing room is actually...

- Just... please.

- Yeah, but we've been
practicing, you know?

He wanted to watch.

- Don't let him ruin it.

Have you forgotten
how doors work?

- What am I doing?

He's trying to take
my kid away from me.

I'm just accepting it.

I'm not gonna get
Frank for Christmas.

That's insane.
- What?

No, he should be with
his mum, first Christmas.

- Yeah, I know.
- Here.

- What are we doing? I
should get Christmas.

- Right, there was some
confusion over who was...

We've moved your things to
another... just for tonight,

we've got you a bit further
down due to the confusion

about you leaving.
- Ooh, a bit further down.

- It's actually bigger.

- Oh, yeah, bigger
but further away.

How do we interpret that?
- Look, I can say

all the same things
that he's saying.

I'm just too afraid, you know?

Am I mad? God, am I mad?

Like, I have the same rights.

I literally built that
child from my bones.

- You should have
whatever you want.

- I'm not a bad mother,

I'm not a bad dancer,

and I'm not a bad person.

And I'm gonna win.

I'm gonna win.

- I am back.

is here!