I Hate Suzie (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

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The blood of the guilty

will never be washed

from the shores of Moldova.

Speaking in a statement today,

Russians called the attack

an act of terrorism.

President Putin has
sworn to exact revenge

on the enemy of the
state. The same...

- Hey, baby.


Wakey, wakey.

Wakey, wakey.


Uh, all right, too
much room service.

Okay, all right.


- One and two, three and four...
- Sorry.

- And five, six, right, again.

Okay, arms up, please.

- I'm concentrating.

- Facing your right.

Let's try again.
In five, six...

- Have you got the counts?
- Seven, eight.

- One and two, three and four.
- One and two, three and four.

- Okay, that was me.

- Don't you patronize
me on top...

She does everything right.
I do everything wrong.

This is what it was like
when we were married.

- I just don't want you to
beat yourself up, Bailey.

- No.
- We've got loads of time.

- When we were married,
I was a nightmare,

and you put up with everything.

So it's the absolute opposite.

- I can't really.
I'm loving this.

I'm getting all the tea.

- I don't think I can get this.

- Bailey, you can do this.

- All right, I can.
Apparently, I can.

- No, I'm just saying
I believe in you, mate.

- Do you know what? Let's
just look at something new

going straight into this, right?

gonna be very rough,

but just give you an idea.

So I'm gonna come
down here, Bailey.

You all right?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just, um... just...

it's fine. Let's do it.

- Okay. So you come over here.

So, Bailey, I'm gonna
stand in for you.


Put your hand over here.

And we're just gonna
work in a simple lift.

I'm gonna scoop up...
- No, don't pick me up.

Please, don't pick me up.

- She doesn't like
being picked up.

- Sorry.
- Oh, okay.

- It's a control thing.
- All right.

I mean, if we get the
grip right, it'll be fine.

But just... we'll
just imagine it.

- No, I'm not
sorry. It's just...

But isn't it lunch?

'Cause I think my friend's
coming to pick up Frank

and I've got to pack
all our stuff away.

- Okay, no worries. All
right, let's lunch it, gang.

- You have the patience
of a saint, my man.

- I just need you to lead, man.


- Yes, yes, control me, Bailey.

- No, you need to let him first.

- Yeah.

- Really?

So nice of you to say.

- Hey.

- Hey!

Oh, my God.
- No, it's fine.

- Thank you for
doing the handover.

- It's good practice. Maybe
I don't even like kids.

Let's see. Hey, buddy.

I'm sorry I was a bad
godmother until now.

- What's a... oh, well,
that pretty much sums it.

- Can you help me with Cob?

- Uh, okay, he wants
to know why Frank is...

- Oh, can you look...

- He wants to know why
Frank is at the studio

and not at school.

- Uh, because he's
got food poisoning?

- Okay, I'll write that.
- No!

- I think he has a right
to know why his kid is

not at school, Suze.
- Why?

He doesn't fucking
tell me anything

when Frank's with him. No.

How does he even
know where we are?

Hey, seriously, how
does he know we're here?

Have you been texting Dad?

- Um... Find My iPad?

Is it on?
- Oh, my God.

This is... this is

borderline harassment now.
- Yeah.

- Okay, this is
fucking stalking.

- Okay, well, look,
location services,

disable, turn
off. There we go.

Off, turn off, disabled.

Yep, done.
- Is it done?

- Done, done, done.

- Okay, he's not happy
about us turning that off.

He says he wants
it on for safety.

And he says he's been in
contact with your lawyers

regarding your challenge for
the custody at Christmas.

- What?
- And then that's it.

- Shit.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

- I'm Naomi.
- Oh, my God, sorry.

- Nice to meet you.
- Great to meet you.

- Naomi is...
- Yeah, I know.

Sorry to interrupt.

I just need a quick crisis chat.

We have access to early VTs,
which I'd love your take on.

- Sorry, you have
advanced access to VTs?

- Not officially, no,
so keep that, but yeah.

It was one of the conditions
of Suzie's return, so...

- Wow, that's impressive.

- Do you wanna come?
- God, oh, no.

- No, please. You
could give advice.

- No, no, and the
boundaries, no, no.

And actually, we are gonna
go and see some superheroes.

- Okay, do you need the toilet?


I love you, baby.

I love you.

- Shall we...

- Yeah. Okay, yes.

- Nice to meet you.

- Surely. I don't
know why I saluted.

I never do that.

Oh, my God, my mic is... Ah...

- Do you mind if we just run
the Suzie footage, please?

- Oh, my God, it's so
nice and dark in here.

- Yep, sure.
- Thank you.

- Um, yeah... Oh.

Yeah, yeah, it's just, um...

It's really exciting.

Um, I'm really
excited to be here

and to have this opportunity

to really spread my wings,

and that's exciting.

And... yeah, I mean, you know,

I'm bricking it at the moment,

but that's the game, isn't it?

Although it's not really a game.
It's more of an experience,

which is the right
way to look at it.

- Also, could we just have
the room for five minutes?

Is that okay?
- Yeah.

- Thank you. Thanks.

- Okay, maybe I'm crazy.

- Okay, should we just
start from the assumption

that you're not crazy?

That my agent isn't crazy.

- Okay, so we have

all of the private
focus group feedback.

- Okay.
- But we would love

if our next steps were something

that we organically
all found together.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm?

- If there was one word for you

comes to your mind
when you watch that?

- Um... I don't know, teeth.

Quite a lot of teeth.

- Yeah.

I think another word might be...

- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Can you hear how your voice

is just a little
bit different now?

Just more grounded.

- Yeah, mate.

- It'd be great to
see a little bit more

of the real Suzie.

- Okay, but this
is me being myself.

Like, this is the
most myself I'll be.

- Sure, but things
do go a little bit,

you know, Princess Diana
in the one-on-ones.

- Yeah, looking down equals sad.

- "Boo-hoo, I've got the
opportunity of a lifetime."

- Yeah, and there's also
quite a lot of giggling

and touching of hair
around Bailey, which...

- Yeah, but when you're with

the other contestants

- Oh, I know, I'm
on my phone. Yeah.

- Particularly the other women.

- Yeah, we just want
you to notice that.

- Fucking hell. This is
like a therapy session.


- Basically, the team
are choosing between you

looking needy or
looking miserable.

- Well, those are my two states.

- It can't be nice to have

your every movement
pulled apart.

Like, I mean, I
wouldn't like it.

- Look, I know.

I know that when I get

angry or frightened,

like, I disassociate, so I
go posh when I'm nervous.

And I know that I'm laughing
too much with Bailey,

but also, apparently,
I'm too sad.

So it's like, you know,
I'm here for the dancing.

Honestly, that's what
gets me through my day,

but not everyone here
is my new best mate.

You know, like, what, Joy

just constantly posting
pictures of herself

in the makeup chair
every two minutes,

like, crying or
wetting her pants

and just emojis on the WhatsApp

all day, every day, like...

I'm out of storage.
You know, and I've got

other things going
on in my life.

You know, or like Danny.

"I'm just dancing.

"I'm a bloke, though.

"And I'm not gay, even
though I'm dancing,

and my dad's dead."

Yeah, mate, I wish
my dad was dead,

but you don't see me
going on about it, do you?

You don't want me
going on about it.

You don't want this sort of me.

So what do people want?

- Well, we could take
even more gratitude.

- Always.
- Yeah, and, well,

I mean, this seems silly,

but we will take
whatever we can get.

The audience much
prefer you blonde.

- Yeah, could feel
a bit like you're...

trying to be someone you're not.

- Okay, well, this is
my natural hair color.

- Yeah.
- I mean, it's dyed, obviously,

but it's my natural...

- Yeah, but it's not

the Suzie they know.

- Sure, but they hate
the Suzie they know.

Okay, got it.



- Shit, I forgot the lawyers.

- Thanks, Suzie.
- Oh, God.

Yeah, okay, thank you.

Really good.

- He's refusing your application

for custody at Christmas.

He says everything was
decided in the room

for him to have Frank.

- I was in shock.

- He even claims now
that the only way

he would consider joint
custody at Christmas

would be if you
were to undertake

regular drug testing.

- Sorry, what?

- Right.

- Well, then I want him to
do regular drug testing,

because I have evidence of
him doing drugs in the past.

- Oh, really? What?

- Well, not evidence,

but inasmuch as I've seen him...

- Okay.
- Doing them.

- Because obviously,
in your case,

there is public record
of presumed drug taking,

which is tiresome,

but could come up
before a court.

- Right. So it looks
bad if I say no.

- You're well
within your rights.

- This is fucking unbelievable.

I'll do it.

If I can have Frank, I'll do it.

- Well, hang on.
- No, no, no, he's...

He's betting I won't.

I don't want to do drugs.

I'm doing a fucking
dancing competition.

All right? I'm raising my son.

No, it will give me structure.

Piss tests, bring it on.

- Okay, because the
drug test involved

is a hair follicle
test which dates back

60 days, possibly even 90.

- Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

- So our advice to you

would be to consider that

and whether that's worth
seeing Frank on Christmas Day.

- Have a think.

I'm so sorry to move on

to something more

but you did receive our
latest invoice, correct?

- Um, yeah.

And that's the normal amount

for a human to be
charged, is it?

- This is turning into
a very time-rich case.

- And I'm being
charged, presumably,

for this call right now, yeah?
- Yes.

- Bye.

Suzie, lunch is nearly over.

- Sorry.
- Don't worry.

I'm just gonna get some wides

for some all-together
lunchtime vibes, okay?

Just take a seat.

- This one doesn't let me moan.

- Stop it.
- It's constant sunshine.

- Yeah, 'cause
this is the dream.

- It's a nightmare.
- Hey, good vibes only.

- I'm driven about
like a massive baby

in this lovely car.

People bring me hot
water with a lemon in it

when I don't even ask.

I'm dancing with a bloke

I had posters of on my wall.

- Aww.
- Aww.

- Who do you reckon is the
competition then, mate?

- Not me. Not us.

- I'll tell you who's here
every day till late: Stella.

- Mm.
- Oh!

- Dark horse.
- Basically, I've never done

a day of work in my life,

so now I'm going
to do all of them.

- Nice T-shirt.

Suzie, your
T-shirt. It's sweet.

- Oh, yeah, um, thanks.

- I swear I used to
see you at The Fridge.

- Maybe... no, actually, I
was a bit more of a junglist.

- Ah. Makes sense.

No, I can see that.

- Okay, cut there.
Right, thanks, everyone.

They're telling me you're
back, so thanks so much.

- Come on, you lot.
Back to the old grind.

We have actually got to
do some dancing today.

- It's not...
that's not an hour.

- No, as it's an hour
and five minutes,

actually, Bailey. Yes.

- Yeah, just...
- There you are.

- Perfect.
- Thank you, guys.

- Hey, chop, chop.

- Jesus.
- Chop, chop?

- Shall we?

- Sorry, I just got
to pay this... this...

I'm just really
worried about Frank.

- Well, if you're
worried, he'll be worried.

- No, I get that, but it
doesn't help me not be worried.

Sorry I'm just... I'm
being kind of a mess.

I'm a mess.

- You're no mess.

The demands on
you are excessive.

Look, come stay
with me for a while.

It'll be fun.

You know, we'll get
more rehearsal time.

Frank can have his own room.

Frank can have his own floor.

Two hours each way is bonkers.

- Bit weird there,
no? Back to the Manor.

- Oh, my God, who gives a fuck?

- No, because my
agent's already worried

about the exes thing.

You should know I have to
stop laughing at your jokes.

- When the fuck have you
been laughing at my jokes?

Don't listen to that stuff.

- It's easy for you to say.

You know, you're a musician.

You can get away with anything.

Like, Bowie can,
like, fuck kids,

and everyone's like,
"Oh, well, it's Bowie."

You know, even I'm like that.

This is like a minefield.

- It's really not
that complicated,

unlike the fucking dancing,
which is gonna kill me.

Just come and stay with me.

Come on.

Come on, we're on.

Come on.
- Okay, wait, wait, wait.

- Suzie, five,
six, seven, eight.

- Shit.



- Fucking...

- All right, okay.

Things that bad,
are they?

- Did he forget something?

- You all right?

- I'm fine.

- Okay.

Well, I was just wondering,

Eva the... you know...

She's taking Frank to
get something to eat

before England-Portugal
if you're...

I didn't know if you were
about to get a cup of tea,

or have a chat, or a late run.

Things obviously can't go
on like they are going on,

and I could use your...

your advice.

- Okay, well, let me just
finish getting massively high,

and then I will call you.

- Cool.

- This is so weird to be here.

- Finally, after ten years,
she comes crawling back.

- I like this old
distressed brickwork.

Oh, my God, amazing.


- It's all Daisy.

- Oh, my God,

a fridge with a window.

Look at all your juice.

- Yeah.
- I'm actually really thirsty.

AGA, look how big that AGA is.

- Literally never used it.

- So this was all Daisy?

- Before she went off.

- Well, I think it's a good
policy you've got here.

I mean, get a woman in, get
her to redecorate, get rid.

- Rude.

- What about, um...

Gwen... Gwen?

- Gwyn.
- Gwyn.

- Yeah, I mean, she's all right.

Just went off to Ibiza
with a different bloke,

didn't come back, so
guessing that's done.

- Sorry.

- No. I mean, she's 26.

If I was 26, I'd want
to fuck off to Ibiza

with a different man.

Hey, do you know how
long it takes to get

MDMA out of your system?

Like, out of your hair?

It's... it's absurd.

It's like an actual joke.

- Probably 60 days.

- Oh, yeah, sorry.

I forgot who I was talking to.

But listen, so, basically,

I found this stuff,
right, so you...

You bleach the hair, like,
really, like, with this stuff,

and it fucks with the results.

So they could test the
hair and get nothing back.

So theoretically, I
could pass the drug test

and go blonde and get
Frank for Christmas.

It's like the
ultimate multitask.

Do you like my hair like this?

- I like you.


- So...

why did you marry
that cunt then?

- Well, it's weird
because you were always

this older... No,
more successful.

You know, but I always felt
bigger when I was with you.

But you know how, like, you
swing between opposites?

So when I was with
Cob, I just...

I always felt, like,
small, which is fine.

- Is it?

- Yeah.

Sure. I can't even
talk about it.

It just gives me anxiety.

- No.

Sure. he'll be pissed off.

I mean, he had you,

and now he doesn't
have you anymore.

And he's a civilian now.

- Well, no, he's
always been a civilian.

- Yeah, well, he was a
civilian who could feel

superior about it
while also getting

a great table, I'd say.

He'll be pissed.

- She wanted this.

That's the thing. I
bet she's struggling.

I'm fucking struggling. I
never wanted any of this.

- Stop selling your story
to the fucking paper.

- I didn't sell my story.
I did one interview

because otherwise, the
only story out there

for the rest of time
until my son grows up

and Googles me is
what Suzie says,

because only... Only
Suzie matters, don't they?

Only the famous person matters.

And you know that
better than anyone.

She got you doing childcare
for her now on top.

- I don't work
with Suzie anymore.

We acknowledged it wasn't
healthy for our friendship.

- Okay, so now you're the
skivvy without being paid.

Oh, she's good.

She's good. Don't
worry about it.

It's what being close
to a narcissist does.

- I can see how hurt you are.

- That's...
- do you honestly think

it's good for Frank
to have parents

who don't speak to each other?

Do you honestly think this is

a healthy ongoing situation?

He shouldn't be
staying in hotels.

We should be able to
say that right now,

it's better that
he's at home with me

while she's making the
decision to be on telly,

high-kicking with her
fucking ex-husband.

We can meet face to face.

We can work out what
happens between us.

That is... that is all I ask.

That is part of
our responsibility,

if we're going to do this,
yeah, to that little boy.

- The socials are loving us.

Hashtag "Boozie."

- What, about you?

- No, Bailey and Suzie.

It was very good.

- Oh, God.

- I've Insta'd your fridge.
- Oh.

- There's really some
sweet stuff actually.

Somehow, people are
charmed by your bullshit.

- Oh, you know.

- I thought they'd be
angry that I'm here,

but they're loving it.

Everyone thinks
we're back together.


- Let them think
what they think.

- Yeah?

- Listen, give them
what they want.


It's all a game, you know.

We've got to give them
something to watch for,

and it's not for
my fucking dancing.

- Okay, yeah.

- Yeah.

- So that needle...
that was IVF?

I see. Not pure smack?


- That's... that's impressive.

And you don't wish
that was something

you were doing with someone?

- Actually, no.

- I mean, no judgment.

Well, some judgment.

- I need to do the
procreation thing

if I'm going to do it.

Partners come and go, you
know. That's the awful truth.

- No argument from me.

That's... That's
pretty much exactly...

- I think, if you know anyone

well enough, you can love them.

Like, in a way, it's horrifying,

just loving one person.

Sort of like, oh, what's
wrong with everyone else,

you fucking bigot?

- Love as fascism.

Interesting. I like that.

- Can I get one of
those as well, please?


- Look, hey, I wanted
to ask you something.

Um, I feel like I've noticed

a change in Suzie's...

I want to say
tone, her messages.

Look, I may be way
off track here, but...

- But?

- Is she losing
her fucking mind?

- Why would you say that?
- Well, she won't talk to me.

Only emails and through
lawyers. I've got no sense of...

- Maybe she's
establishing boundaries.

- She's fucking tyrannical.

- Last I heard, you were forcing

the mother of your child

to take regular drug
tests, which is...

- I'm entitled to know

what's going on with her.

- No, you're not.

- Was it awful?

- What? The abortion?

Well, maybe
it would have been

if it wasn't just blood
coming out of your vagina.

Like, that's just
a regular horror.

Maybe if I was
vomiting up the baby...

Or something.

- Why did you want
to do it, you think?

- Um, because I was 21.

And you'd already had
your kids, and you wanted

this, like, fun sunshine girl.

You know, you didn't want to
go through all that again.

- I never said
anything like that.

You were the one that
wanted to terminate.

- No, I'm just... I'm
just telling you why.

- Because you assumed
what I didn't want?

- No, I know what you
didn't want, Bailey.

Anyway, I was 21.

Right, so the right
thing for me to say

would have been "You're 21.

"You don't know what you want.

You should probably have a kid."

Fuck, you don't like it simple.

Shall we go to bed?
- Yeah, let's go to bed.

- All right. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, thanks.

- Um, well, we'll always have

this weird trattoria
in Harpenden.

- Hey, this is probably
mental, obviously,

but if you did ever decide

you didn't want some
Danish stranger's spunk,

who's probably actually the
creepy old doctor's spunk,

up you, then I always
wanted another...

You know, Frank to have a...

Well, that's not an
option, obviously.

But yeah, I'd be open to it.

No involvement, obviously.

Okay, you've gone insane.

You've both gone
completely insane.

- Yeah, well, call
me old fashioned,

but I happen to think it
matters who a dad is to a kid,

that they know, even if
just for fucking kidneys

or whatever.

I mean, do what you
want, obviously.


I'm just saying.

6'2", and...

Thank you.

- None of my family have cancer,

if that's relevant.

Do you want me to walk you to...

- No, no, I'm fine.

- Thank you again, Naomi.

- Um, yeah, I'm
just really touched

that people are stanning us

and, you know, there's
so much love out there.

- How's it feel to
dance with Suzie?

It feels like being close
to the fire in every way.

- Yeah, and I also feel
really safe with Bailey,

and, you know, it's been a
long time since I felt...

So yeah.

It's really nice.

- Oh. Anyway, love the girl.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

Mummy's wrecked her hair.


- You didn't like it before.

You seem happier.

- No, darling no, no,
no, no, that's not...


You wouldn't want
Mummy and Daddy

to be together if
they were unhappy.

- Suzie and Bailey have
been working hard all week,

and it seems like you guys
can't get enough of seeing

these two back together.

- Okay, when you came to me,

you said you wanted me
to control everything.

You said you desperately
needed your whole image

to be changed.

Well, I heard that.

We have Holland on board,

who's one of the 30 under 30,

who also kindly hooked
you up with a stylist,

and we have you

in one of the most popular
shows in the country.

But now, it's all about
your love life again.

- People, they seem to like us.

- Sure, you and Bailey,

but that doesn't
necessarily translate

that they like...
- Like...

- Like...
- Like you.

- Me?
- Yeah.

- Right.
- Well, they don't even

really like you and Bailey.

They just wish it
was 2004 again.

And hey, don't we all?
- Yeah.

- Look, he also
has a girlfriend.

- Well, no, actually, he
doesn't have a girlfriend.

- "The Sun" have her
looking sad in Ibiza.

- What can I say?

She's on a massive comedown.

- Look, you're a pair. Fine.

You know, but a
pair doesn't win.

This is an individual

and I don't think any
of this old Suzie,

"I glom onto whatever
powerful man is in the room"

helps anyone get behind you...
- Okay.

- As an individual.

- Do you know what,
Sian? Actually...

- Oh, have we reached

the "go fuck yourself"
stage of things?


Do you mind if we bypass
that and go straight

to you apologizing
and crawling back

because you hit rock bottom
with Pete Doherty in Margate,

and someone filmed you
saying something about Islam

that was taken completely
out of context?

Can we skip to that part?

Because honestly,
I've got 30 clients,

three kids, and the
builders are in.

- Okay, fine.


And hello, person.

- Sorry, Suzie, this is Boo.

She's working with me.

- Hi, Boo.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Thanks for having me.

- Yeah.

- I'm Inspire's
social media expert.

Um, obviously, you've
seen the traction

Team Boozie is getting.

- Yeah. Yeah,
yeah, I have, yeah.

- Most popular trending hashtag.

But second to that is
hashtag Save Bailey.

- Uh-huh.

Okay, well,

I could have looked
that up myself, but...

- I'm trying to push for
a Suzie-focused VT, okay?

Before Saturday
completely new take.

We go back to the streets,
one up, two down, cul-de-sac.

- Bring out the lamb.
- Well, mum's already said

we can't film in the living
room because of the damp, so...

- Okay, well,
somewhere else then.

- Okay, well not Dad's.

- Fine, but we move
you away from Bailey,

okay, away from the house.

Have I mentioned how
nice BBC Soho House is?

- What? White City?

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah,

put me in the
fucking Savile suite.

No, all... sorry, all
my stuff is at Bailey's,

and Frank is really happy there.

- Well, I'm sure
we can do it there.

But is there any way
that we could get

your family in, like friends?

Your kid ballet photos?

- We don't want to stress
any prior dance experience.

- But the kid must
absolutely feature.

- Yeah.

- Look, I've got
a fitting, but...

fucking hell, all right.

So we'll get something
ready for tonight.

- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah, great.

- Great.
- Yes, okay.

- I'm on it.
- Thank you.

- Suze. Suze.

Have you been seeing VTs
before they've aired?

- 'Cause we've been told
we're not allowed to do that.

- No, I haven't. I haven't.

- Your agent's not got involved?

Because I heard one of the
producers say something

like someone wasn't...
- Oh, Suze, doll,

don't know if you heard.
Your agent's looking for you.

Something about a VT.
- Well, I haven't seen her.

- That was great, Suzie.

Thank you for your time. Oh...

- Oh, okay.

- Oh, great.
- Forward.

- Isn't that your agent?

- Make friends, yeah.
- Okay.

- Suzie, what's going on?

- Now I'm just
getting a call, so...

- No, you're not.

- Hey.
- Listen,

I'm beginning to think
Sian's a narcissist.

- I mean, okay.

- She wants me to
move out of Bailey's.

- No, moving out is the
worst thing you can do.

- Exactly. Yes.

- She broke his heart again.
- Thank you.

That's exactly what I thought,

because that becomes
the story, right?

Yeah, good.

Listen, do you think
you could come in

and be in a VT for me

tonight, like, as my friend,

to make it look like I've
got friends... which I do,

just not as many as you think.

- Talking about you?

- Yeah.

- On television?

- Yeah, it'd be cute.

- Um... okay.

- Or don't, you
know, if you don't...

If you don't want to.

It's just, I just miss you.

I just miss you, and I
love you, and goodbye.

- Look, I'm sorry to
make this all about me.

- Nothing I like more.

- Seriously, though, can you,
like, dial down the romcom?

Because it's weird as well.

- Sure, but it's
not an act for me.

I'm still desperately
in love with you, so...

- Okay, great. Thanks.

It's just, everyone
is saying, like,

"Oh, she's gonna
break his heart again"

when I didn't even break
your heart the first time.

You know, that's just
the cultural narrative.

- Eh, that's also what happened.

- Okay, well, then, let's
just pretend that's true.

- Oh.
- Oh, knock on the door.

Hello, Mum.

- Hi.
- Oh, my God.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Dad.
- Oh.

- Someone heard
there'd be cameras.

- Get it from
somewhere, don't ya?

- Hi.
- There he is.

- Your hair, I love it.

- Pickles, plural.
- Where's Frank?

- All right.

- Forgot how nice
this pad is, man.

- That's what happens
when you let him turn

your back catalogue
into a West End musical.

- Mum, where's Frank?

- He's not coming.

- Gone up in the world
since Croydon, biyatch!

I'm going to have a
look through here.

- Don't love a musical.

- Oh, don't say that... Phil!

Right, listen, he's...
So Cob rang on the way,

and he said that Frank had told
him about being on the telly.

- Right.

- So he's keeping
him tonight to...

- Mom, what are you saying?
- Hang on, hang on.

No, no, I wrote it down.

- What are you actually saying?

- If you...
- Keep coats on maybe.

You're coming back in.

- Oh, right. Okay,
hang on a minute.

Right, so something
about assurances.

So he wouldn't let me
collect him without...

Without assurances
about filming.

- Hey, Cob's not
letting Frank come.

- What?
- But he has to,

doesn't he, because we
arranged that it was my night?

Like, he has to...
- Jesus.

- But he has to do
the handover, right?

- Let me check.
Let me check. Yes.

- He told him about
the interviews

like he was excited.

- Okay, I think
we're about ready

if we want to just relive that.

- Sorry, my son's running
late, so what should...

- Oh, right.

Should we wait or...

- It's an hour there
and back, so...

- I can't believe this.

- He is coming, though, yeah?

Or should I let
the interpreter go?

- Oh, yes, interpreter no.

Maybe. Um...

maybe we should
just do one. Yeah?

So everyone... if...
Okay, so should we get

everyone to sign the waivers?

I'll do this, and then we
just go out and come back in?

- Yeah.
- Just go.

We'll just have a...
- Yeah.

And action.


- Hi!

- Happy Christmas.

- Hi!
- Thank you.

- Can I take your coat?
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, the baby.

Little pickle.

- Sorry, that's quite heavy.

- Oh? Oh, it is heavy!

- And what's it like
watching her dance?

- Oh, it's great.

And Bailey is so funny.

What's she doing?

The king of cool is
now, like, gyrating

around with his shirt all.

- Dad. Well, I
think it's wicked

they're dancing together.

- Karen, what's it like
watching your daughter?

- Oh, my God, stresses me out.

I mean, you know,
she's up, she's down.

Just, you know,

decide what you're voting for.

No, it's too much.

- So sorry. Can we
just cut for a second?

Just a second.
- Yep.

- Let's do some individual
VTs while we're waiting.

- What am I going to do?
- Okay, so he's texted,

claiming it's a
form of child abuse

and you need both
parents' permission.

- Yeah, well, it isn't.
The lawyers say it,

and Frank's not
answering his Facetime.

But he can't just
withhold my son from me.

Like, that's breaking
the court order.

- He doesn't seem
to care about that.

- Okay, well can you call him?

- You call him.
I'll be with you.

Come on.

Let's do it.



- Cob Betterton's phone.

- Hello?
- Hi there.

Who's this?

- It's... Suzie Pickles.

- It's really nice
to finally meet you.

Cob's just out for a
late-night walk with the dog,

trying to get some
non-device time,

so I'm manning stations.

Um, I had thought
email was the best

and only form of communication
for you going forward.

Oh, I'm Eva,

his new general
assistant, by the way.


- Yes, hello. Um...

yeah, I mean, of
course, I will endeavor

to engage in that
correct manner,

and I... hope you both
have a lovely evening

and take care of
yourselves, won't you?

- You too.
- Okay, bye.

- Bye-by...

- What the fuck is that?
- Sorry, what's happening?

- We're getting a divorce,
so he gets a dog and a PA.

Actually, that
makes perfect sense.

Right, I'm driving over.
- No, no, no.

There'll be press. No.

- This is to fuck
me up with the show.

And who's this woman
taking care of Frank?

- I'm going to try him, Suze.

- No, he's not there.
He won't pick up.

- He's there, Suze. Hey, Cob.

- Just wondering
if he's on his way.

- Um, no, he sort
of... He sort of isn't.

He's unwell.

- Should we let Louise go?

- Listen, forget the shit
between you and Suzie.

This is what he thought
he was doing tonight.

This is what he
wanted to do tonight.

Anyway, it's not happening.


Yes, it's been called off.

I promise.

- Suzie, sorry, can
we just get a moment

with you and your dad?

- You okay, Suze?

- I'm going to go get him.

- Okay.

- Bye, team.

- Oh, drive safely, Naomi.

- I always say to a band,

everyone gets a 25% raise

when you get rid of keyboards.

That focuses minds.

- Yes, great.

Okay. Cut that.

- I think, for me,
it would be poison.

I mean,

I wouldn't have the nerve,

and I'd be terrible
with the gun,

but maybe if I
sapped his strength

by gradual poison and then
maybe a clunk over the head.

I don't know. No,
I'd lose confidence.

No, poison every time for me.

- Give it five minutes
before you go in there,

because I've just
done a massive shit

on how much I love my daughter.

- Well, we were all
just talking about how

we'd kill Susie's ex-husband.

- Oi!
- The other one.

- Fucking hell, yeah.

I have blokes owe me a favor.

- I have actually
offered to do it,

but she's all "No,
it'd be too obvious."

- Aw, you're a good man, Bailey.

- You know, I think we
should just call it a night.

- That's everyone, yeah?

- No, sorry. We're done.

- He's on his way.
- I don't want to do this.

We're done.
- Hold the fun.

Suzie wants to hold the fun.

- No daughter of mine.

- He's fine. Naomi has him.

- But tomorrow's
a really big day.

We're dancing.

- It's just a TV show,
love. It doesn't matter.

- Well, it does matter.
It matters to me.

The only reason it
doesn't matter to you

is because you're shit at it.

- Okay, gate's gone.

- They're here, they're here.

They're here.
- Brilliant, great.

Let's catch this handheld.

- Actually, do you know what?

Can you just give me a
second because he might be...

- Hey, Frank, hold on.
- I don't want to do it.

I don't want to do it.
- You sure?

- Oh, oh, Frank, where's
all your hair gone?

- Your hair.

- Did you want me to inter...

He said, "Me and Dad decided

to make me look like a soldier."

- Okay, shall we...
We're gonna go to bed.


All right, we're gonna...
We're gonna call it a night.

Sorry, we're gonna go.

Uh, thanks for a lovely evening.

- Okay, I guess that's
a wrap, everyone.

- I don't tell you enough

how happy I am that
she's with you again.

- Oh, the love of my life.
- I mean it.

I mean it.
- Love of my life.

- When I watch her
dance, I just feel...


I just feel so proud of myself.

- The key with parenting is,
you have them on elastic,

or like one of them extendable
leads like with dogs.

It should go really
far but never snap.

That's the secret.

Really, really,
far but never snap,

that's the game.

- She's actually, I guess
in a way, a hero of mine.

I should probably tell her that.

Well, I guess I'm doing it now.

I'm really proud of you, Suze.

Go Suzie!

- Give it up for
Suzie and Bailey.

- Go Bailey!

- Whoo! Go Suzie!

- Get on the app to save
the dancers you love.

Remember, you decide who
stays in the competition.

- Not a dry eye.
Not a dry eye.

Oh, my God.

I just relived my childhood.

That was incredible. My heart.

- I'm sorry. I
didn't have the lift.

- Don't tell them.
They'll never know.

- They know. They know.

She covered. What else is...
- No, no.

- Okay, as the last to
dance, stay on stage.

We're gonna bring the
remaining couples on

and view the Craze Displays.

You know the drill.

Okay, Boozie, your scores
have been combined.

All the votes are in.

Let's see where that puts you
on the couples leaderboard.

Suzie and Bailey, you're safe.

- Oh...
- We're going through!

- Joy and Benny, so sorry.

You are going home.

Wow, what a night of
thrills and spills.

But before we say
goodbye to Joy and Benny,

who could forget, it's
the penultimate week

of "Dance Crazee."

So it's time for STICK or TWIST.

Whoo! All:



A week before the final, the
highest-scoring contestant

gets to choose to STICK
or TWIST their partner.

It is like the night
before Christmas.

I know, that's next

The leaderboard looks like this.

Top, as per, is nation's
favorite footballer

turned Twitch
streamer, Danny Carno.

Danny, I am going to
ask you if you want

to STICK with your
partner for next week

or risk it all and TWIST.

Remember, if they
don't TWIST, too,

it's bye-bye to you.

So Danny Carno,

top of the leaderboard,

- Yeah, look, one thing
I know: life's short.

- Yeah.
- He'll twist her.

- You got to have a big match
temperament, which I do.

I'm gonna TWIST for

- We have a TWIST.

Beautifully worded, Danny.

Okay, so Suzie Pickles,

highest you've been
ever on the board.

Do you want to STICK
with Bailey Quinn

and send Danny and Tabitha home?

Or are you gonna be
Danny's new partner

in the "Dance Crazee"
finale next week?



I'm going to TWIST.

- She's doing it.

We have a new pairing.

It is going to be quite
the final next week,

ladies and gents.

It's going to be Zack
Khalif and Stella St. Leger

dancing against brand-new couple
Danny Carno and Suzie Pickles.

That's dance drama.

That's "Dance Crazee."

- Hey, baby.


- Hello.

- Mummy's back in
the hotel you like.

Oh, sorry, baby.

Were you sleeping?

Is he... is he coming?

Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- It's nearly fucking

midnight, Suzie...