I Hate Suzie (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Fear - full transcript

Working to save her marriage, Suzie agrees that maybe working with the man in question isn't the best idea. Noami attempts to keep the press at bay.

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COB: Who is it, Suzie?

I want... I want you to tell me.
I want you to feel safe.

Whatever happens,
I will not be angry, okay?




SUZIE: It's Carter.





SONG: ♪ Yo, sit down shut up, shut up ♪

♪ Ay, boy, hush up ♪

♪ Yuh block will get brush up ♪

♪ Brrat ♪

♪ Shut the... ♪

♪ Yo, sit down, shut
up, 'top 'he noise ♪

♪ Ay, boy, hush up ♪

♪ Yuh block will get brush up ♪

♪ Bang bang ♪

♪ Shut the... ♪





Are you very angry?

I'm not angry.

'Cause you should be.

Who else knows?

Well, he knows obviously
that's it's him.

COB: Hmm.

And Naomi knows.



Well, I think she may have found
out just because I told her.

COB: Hmm, okay.

If we're gonna make this work...

... you have to tell me... the truth.

'Cause I know we have a beautiful
child and a beautiful home...

I don't care about any of that.

Well, I mean, obviously
I care about the child.


That being said...

Obviously you can't
work with him anymore.



Obviously. In the future.

You can't keep doing the show, Suz.

No, but I just mean financially.

We both know it's the shitty genre thing

where your breasts get covered
in blood every few episodes.

- It's not exactly...
- SUZIE: I know.

I just... I just mean,
like, in sort of...

... house, er, bills, life being
possible scheme of things.

- Well, I have a job.
- Yeah.

Not that you've ever
been to campus or seen it.

But I promise I do have a job.

Yeah, I know and that's
great. It's just it doesn't...

You know, it's not my fault the world
values the wrong things, is it?

And we're about to
start a second series.

- Well...
- It's what they'll say.

Consequences are hard.

- What is that?

- What fucking is that?
- It's the landline. It's the phone.





- Hello.
- It's me. It's me. How you doing?

(SIGHS) Oh, God. Hi.

Ah, fine. Yeah.

NAOMI: Okay, quick update,
I've called all the papers

and pointed out the photos are
stolen, so if they print, we sue.

But I just had to yell at one guy
for printing a photo of your house

to illustrate the story.

'Cause they're sulking they can't
run with you sucking a dick.

So is it recognisable?

The house, I mean. Not the dick.

Yeah, yeah. No, the street
name's on it and everything.

- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah, but I'm all over it.

I'm gonna get you in the room with
some reputation management people.

Oh, God. So I pay for that, do I?

Yeah, or we go the other way.

We go front foot. Take control.
Refuse to be shamed.

You publish a nude, we publish a nude.

You send one of ours
to the sex hospital,

we send one of yours to the sex morgue.

I- I publish more nudes? I
haven't got any more nudes.

I take more nudes?

- Er, no. I meant...
- SUZIE: Hey. Sorry.

One minute. One minute. Hey. (GASPS)

Wow! Did you draw this at school?


- Baby!
- NAOMI: Suz, hello?


Just to go back, so my
address is out there?

Yeah. Er, and also I looked up
Sarah Jones just to check her out.

Her Instagram shows her as blonde now

and always wearing a yellow jacket.

- Sorry, a yellow jacket?
- Yeah, so don't freak out.

Looks like she's obsessed
with Gemma Collins now.

- Which is great.
- That's nice.

Stalking the stalker.

- Ah...

Okay. Look, I-I...

I'll call you... Yeah,
I'll call you back.

- NAOMI: No...


Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.

Did you draw this?

'Cause I know you said you drew
this and I love you, whatever,

Okay, but no lying.

You must tell the truth.

Did you draw this or... did you find it?

Where? Where?

Frank. Where?







Reset. We're gonna go again.

Okay, okay. Suzie, look.
It's feeling casual.

Can you scream while you're running?

- Really vocalise the terror.
- Scream?

The idea being that you're
screaming for help, so...

(SIGHS) Yeah, um...
No, it's just like, it's...

Sorry, screaming and running.

But I'm... I'm... I'm
trying to lose him.

- No, it's just... The... You know...
- Sorry, Suzie.

I mean, the screaming, that's just
gonna bring him to me, right?

It sort of negates the running.

No, I think it doubles it.

Yeah, I mean, I don't think

I've ever actually screamed in
my life ever if I've been afraid.

What, so you're saying screaming
isn't associated with fear?

No, I'm not. I'm just
saying that it's not...

It's not something I would do.

- What would you do?
- SUZIE: Um...

What, if I was...

If you were being chased
by a Nazi zombie, yeah?

I'd hide.

DIRECTOR: Almost like there's
something not as dramatic

about staying still as there
is about running and...

It's trying to find her?
Kill her? Tension's dramatic.

We're set up for the run.

Yeah, I mean, just...
You do your... You do it.

You're saying, then,
that's what you'd do?

Yeah, I... saying that.

Yeah, I would just, like,
find somewhere and wait

and hope... hope they didn't
fi... hope they didn't find me.

Hmm. Let's set up for that, then.

- That's massive.
- It's a better scene.

- Sorry, Daniel.
- DIRECTOR: Okay, guys. Changing set-up.

- Suzie.

Sorry. There's a woman
looking for you visiting set.

- What does she look like?
- Uh, I don't know, really.

Does she have blonde
hair? A yellow jacket?

- I'm not sure.
- Does she look a bit like...

I don't even know what
you say now-a-days,

but look sort of
day-release, stalker vibes?

- CARTER: Suz. Yep.
- Yes?

- Suz.
- We need more zombies, mate.

I'm so sorry. I am so fucking sorry.

Are you... are you very angry?

Are you kidding? I'm

Not with you.

Do they know what bastard's done this?

I will find them and
physically arse-rape them.


Okay. Thanks.

But you... you don't have to do that.

I know.

Um, Naomi's on the
tech and the law stuff.

So I'm just... I'm sorry.

Look, I don't care... I don't
care who sees my cock, Suz.

This is unbelievable
what's happened to you

and I want you to know you
have everyone's support here.

If anyone says a single thing to you

or makes you feel uncomfortable
in any way, I'll fire them.

Thank you. Thank you.

But no, don't. Er, don't do that.

I mean, doesn't your wife
have any suspicions?

I don't think she's even heard anything.

She doesn't read celebrity
news and all that stuff.

Well, I had to tell Cob.

I did, you know. I had to tell him.

And... I mean, it
was... it was pretty...

Must have had a nightmare.

Yeah. It was bad.

And I told him it had
happened, like, three times

and that it was completely
over between us.

And is that true?

Three just sounded like
a believable number.

I mean the last part.

It's me. It's me. I have lanyards.

- Hi. Hi. Hi.
- Hi, babe.

Hi. Great. Great.

You remember... You know Carter.

More intimately now. You won't remember.

- We met at the...
- Of course I remember.

Naomi Jones. Born Naomi Duribchi.
Your, um... your hair is longer.

Okay. What do you want, a memory medal?

Look, can I just say if there's
anything I can do at all,

if making some sort
of statement helps...

It doesn't help.
It doesn't look great, whatever way.

Fucking the boss. The boss
fucking her. Old school, new school.

- It's not a great school to go to.
- I'm not her boss.

You're married with four kids.

Actually, one of his kids
is... is... died.

Shit. Sorry.


Thing is, I love her, Naomi.

I really fucking love her.

I took a photo of us making love

because I-I love her fucking smile

and, yes, I love it near my penis.

And so we took pictures with her phone

because I wanted her to see

how beautiful she
looked doing those things,

which is my biggest regret.

- Because this would never...
- Shh!

And now I feel like absolute shit.

But I am a shit that
loves her top to bottom.

So you tell me what you need.

I need a place to talk to the police,
who get here in minus 10.

Um, okay, but we're about
to set up the shot.

No, it's okay. It's fine.
You can use my trailer.


- I... I know what you're thinking.

- And no, we haven't had sex in here.
- It smells like someone has.

It's the fucking septic tank. (GROANS)

(SIGHS) Okay, just so you know,

I'm probably gonna
have to leave the show.

- What show?
- This show.

You know, it's not... it's not workable.

- I mean, you can imagine.
- No. No, no, no.

- Do you want to leave the show?
- No, I don't wanna leave the show.

Of course I don't wanna leave the show.

It's my only job,
apart from the Disney job.

- Yeah, okay, so I wrote to Disney...
- Oh, God.

... explaining that it was fake images,

but turns out they're an expert on
what's real and what's not onscreen.

Oh, shit.


- Yes.
- MAN: Sorry, Suzie.

There's a... police
officer here for you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- Oh, it's exciting, isn't it?

- SUZIE: Hi.
- This is, uh, Suzie.

- I'm PC Simon Niven.
- Hi. Me.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- In person.

I mean, as opposed to on telly,
not in those photos.

No, I mean, I get that. I get that.

I'm gonna return your phone.

Great. Great.

Er, there's no malware on it.

No indication that anyone's
broken into the device itself.

We trust you, obviously,
there's been an invasion of privacy.

- You trust us?
- Yeah, I mean, why would we be lying?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

The cloud you back everything up on
has clearly been compromised.

Eh, do you use the same password
for that as for anything else?

Yeah, I mean, it's my password.

NIVEN: Er, yeah, yeah,
that's just not ideal.

Yeah, no, I know, I know they tell you

to have, like, multiple passwords,
but it's just not realistic.

You know, I'm not...
I'm not a computer brain.

I'm not... I can't remember
all these things all the time.

- Like names and passwords.
- Yeah, okay, but...

- And now punctuation or symbols.
- ... it's illegal, isn't it?

- It's stolen property.
- Yeah, well, interesting.

We actually have quite a small
digital team in the Metropolitan...

Okay. So you're not going
to do fucking anything?

We will investigate but we...

we do have to focus resources
on terrorism and paedophilia.

Of course. Of course.

Unfortunately, we can't afford
to prioritise crimes

where the victims contribute
to their own victimisation.

Okay. So the skirt on her
phone's a bit short.

NIVEN: Well, maybe I can help.

How about a nice image to put online?

A photo from the set of "AfterDeath"'s
bound to get more hits.

- Yeah. Sure. Go over here.

NIVEN: There you go.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Nice shot for us. Cheers. Cheers.
Yeah, how do you do the...

I'm a bit... Hang on.
I can't... (MUMBLES)

- Let me do it 'cause... Here we go.
- Sorry.

- This is because of me mates.
- No, it's alright.

(CHUCKLES) I'll be a zombie. (GROWLS)


- That's cracking, that.
- There you go, mate.

That's great. Thanks so much.
Thank you very much.

- Great to meet you, you know.
- Oh, sorry.

- That's alright. Yeah.
- 'Bye.

- Ta-ra. Nice one.
- 'Bye.

- How do you get out of here?

Sorry. Sorry.

Just the handle.


- Bye-bye, PC Niven.
- 'Bye.

Ta-ra. Yeah.

- NIVEN: Cheers. Oh...

- Oh, my God!
- Bloody hell.









Ooh, God. Sorry. You just... It's...

Sorry, you just made me jump.
I didn't hear you come in.

Okay, well, I just came in
on my legs as per.

Erm, I need...

Dishwasher needs salt.

- Sorry, what?
- The dishwasher.

I need to add some salt. So...


Are you joking?

What, like... salt?


You put salt in the dishwasher.

- Who does?
- Everyone. Keeps it working.

Alright, is this like you
put salt in the dishwasher,

you put pepper in the kettle,
you put ketchup down the shitter?

Are you losing... You're... Are you
losing your mind? Dishwasher salt.

- Dishwasher salt.
- Okay.

This is... this isn't funny, yeah.

I'm not from dishwasher country.

Okay, well, I am from dishwasher country

and we do things differently there.

What is that?



- What did you do?





- What was that?

- Hmm?
- Did you hear that?

What? What is it?

Am I being mad? Am I being mad?


I didn't... I didn't want to tell you

because it's... it's just
another thing that I fucked up,

but our address is out there
in the paper and... and so...

Our house. Where we live
with our human son.

- Yes. And so... I...
- This address.

Yeah, and so, you know,
Naomi's really worried

about fucking crazy
fucking stalker lady.

You know, Sarah what's...

Anyway. Look. I dunno.

Maybe I'm... Maybe I'm just being para.

- Rightio.
- Oh, no. It... it's fine.

- It's not fine, Suzie.
- It's fine.

I need to go and check there
isn't a psychopath in our house.






(SOFTLY) Jesus.

- Hey. How are you?
- NAOMI: Yeah, how are you?

Oh, yeah. I'm good.
What's going on with you?

- What's going on with you?
- Alright. Look.

At one point, one of us is
actually gonna have to answer.

Okay, so I floated the
idea to the producers

about you exiting the show.

Yeah. Did they go fucking mad?

- Yeah.
- Well, don't say that.

I can't explain to them why, can I?

And they've been ridiculously
supportive about the hack.

Don't they suspect it's their
fucking showrunner in the photo?

Let me tell them.
Let's 'me too' him to fuck.

No, don't do that.
It's deeply... No. Just...

What am I supposed to do, right?
They're threatening to sue you.

Alright, don't worry. I'll call
Carter. Carter will sort it out.

He's the problem. Fuck's sake.

Such a fucking coward.

What? What?






- I've written you this great arc.
- SUZIE: Yeah.

- I've talked you through it.
- Yeah, I know, I know.

But it's not unreasonable.
It's the only thing he demands.

So you're gonna walk off the show?

Just write me out.

Just kill me. Just kill me, okay.

No-one will mind. Just...

Just... You're so good
at zombie fighting, hunting.

- ... always said you would.




Look, this is... this is nonsense

because of... because of physical love.

A visual representation
of some physical love.

- I mean, did they find who did this?
- No... They... It's my fault.

They gave me my phone back.

This isn't... this isn't something

you should lose your livelihood over.

You can't be punished twice.

But it's not about the hack.
It's about the us.

If the issue is us working together,

then I should be the one to go.

Okay, well, that's... That is mad.

Obviously that's mad. You can't...

- Well, it's your show.
- Look, it's not my show.

It's everyone who works on it.
We're a family.

Well, if we're a family,
then this is incest,

so what are we gonna do?

- So what are we gonna do?
- Look... You...

Look. I...

(SIGHS) I love you.

And you can't go making life decisions

based on not upsetting people
and doing what they tell you to.

Well, sorry that I do that.

Okay, I'm sorry that I do that.

But then just... tell
me what I should do.

- (GROWLS) Oh, you're an idiot.

But you're brilliant. Of course
I'm not going to let you go.

- Ow.
- Mwah.


I'm just so frightened all the time.

I'm just so frightened all the time.

You know, I really...
I'm just frightened all the time.

Yeah, I know.

- You've got egg on your top.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's... It's kid
carnage at the moment.

Genevieve's away.


You can't leave the show. It's not fair.

- You have to go and tell him that.
- No.

- I'll come with you.
- No.

- I'll talk to him.
- Don't do that.

Obviously don't do that, okay.
It's completely inapp...

It's my life. Promise
me you won't do that.

- Well, promise me you'll fight.
- Well...


Oh, don't 'cause, I mean, we should...



She's, uh... she's here
to see Mr. Betterton.

Apparently, um, he's her husband.

Yeah, I haven't visited before,
which is bad of me.

WOMAN: Come with me.
He's in Lecture Hall C.

- Doesn't she need to sign in?

For security?

Suzie Pickles isn't here
to bomb us, is she?

If she is, then that would be
strange. Happy to go that way.


It was written in the late 1400s
by two German inquisitors

and, um, I thought maybe we could
try it out on someone here.

Who wants to volunteer? Anyone?

All you have to do is sit in a chair.

Valerie, why don't you come down?

- VALERIE: Alright.
- COB: There you go.

Have a pew, my friend.

Here she is. Ah... Valerie.

- Did you steal all the penises?
- VALERIE: Yeah, I did.

- You did, didn't you?
- VALERIE: I have all the penises.

She has all the penises. I knew it.
Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

We are going to make
Valerie confess, okay?

- Okay.
- To be a 'vitch'.

Okay. So, Valerie, what do you think
you might be accused of?

Um, I don't know. Killing a baby.

Killing a baby? Right. Okay.

- That escalated quickly.

Um, no. Um, sorry.

- Being in league with Satan.
- Well, that's good, actually.

That's good. But that's
much more European.

Truthfully it would be
something much more prosaic.

So it would be like
a bad year for crops, okay?

What do you think a jury
would want to hear?

- VALERIE: Evidence.
- COB: Evidence, yeah.

And luckily there is
agreed physical evidence

that proves being a witch.

You're gonna like this.

A bleeding mark where
your familiar suckles.


- Yeah. Okay.
- COB: Okay.

So to prove your innocence to us,

show us you don't have
one of those anywhere.

Go on.


COB: Really?

Seems like you have something to hide.

What do you want me to do?

I think you know.




She's a witch. That was easy,
wasn't it? Anyone else? Who's next?

Sorry. You're hung, pressed
or drowned. Hanged.



- COB: Hiya.
- Oooh.

SUZIE: Sorry.



So I came to university earlier.

- Did you?
- SUZIE: Yeah.

Thought you were right
about me not visiting.

They didn't seem to know
we were married.

What do you mean? I wear a ring.

No, that it's me.

Oh, that it's you. Oh.

Why didn't I see you there?

Ah, you were doing a lecture

and then, um, I had to go
and get some dry-cleaning.

Did you, um... (CLEARS THROAT)

... talk to any of the
producers or anybody?

Oh, my goodness. Cob, this whole, like,

'everything's fine' politeness.

I'd rather you were just
fucking angry with me.

I'd rather you were just shouting.

Oh, you would, would you?
You'd rather that. Oh, okay.

- Well, if Suzie wants something.
- No, it's not what Suzie wants.

It's not what I want.

It's just if that's how you feel...

If I get angry,
you'll just get all victim-y

and tell me I remind you of your dad.

You like it when I'm victim-y.
You like it.

You like it. It's the only time
you feel comfortable.

- What?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you like it. You like it.

You like it when I'm small
or... or without a job.

You know what's
amazing to me, actually...

You know, you know what? No. No.

I will not... I won't play the victim.

Baby, it is your greatest role to date.


So I saw your lecture today.

I saw you bring someone
up onstage, some...

... some young girl and ask her

if she has all the penises
in this economy?

My God, you cannot believe
anything isn't about you.

Hang on a minute, asking her to get
undressed in front of everyone.

That is the whole point,
it's about demonstrating

that you can't prove a negative
without dehumanising people.

Do you know what?
Forget it. Fucking forget it.

If you'd ever read
a fucking book in your life.

I've written a book, mate.

Please. It's hardly a book, is it?
And it was ghost-written.

Fuck's sake.

- I feel sorry for you, Cob.

I feel... No, I feel
embarrassed for you.

- You feel embarrassed?
- Yeah, I feel embarrassed for you.

Embarrassed of moi? You're the one
who should be embarrassed, mate.

Why should I be embarrassed?
No, go on. Say it.

Why should I be embarrassed? Say it.

You're incredible. You genuinely
think that you're the victim here.

I... It's my work, Cob.

Yes. It's my fucking work.

I... I pay for... I pay for
everything in this house.

I pay for everything. Even your PhD.

You know, I shouldn't be punished twice.

Fine. Do it, then. Don't quit
the show. Fucking carry on.

Where are you going?

(COB SHOUTS) Somebody
has to go and get Frankie.


- Oh, God.





You know, it occurs to me, um,

that, uh, if you're
in a room with a guy,

just you and a m...

Like, if I'm in a room alone
with a man, most of the time,

I don't know who would win
in a fight between us.


But with you with a man...

... he could always...

He could kill you.


Like, I could kill you right now.

And that must make for
a different experience.



Like, it makes sense if...

If a man is in a room
with you, you know.

A man who you are in
thrall to economically...

... and he wants to take
pictures of you, that...

... must be quite frightening.

You know? I get it.


You know, no... no more than normal.

But, um, I totally take on your point.

Yeah, I don't mean to come
over all Germaine Greer.

MAN ON TV: I know where you are.

I know you think that
you're protecting him.



MAN ON TV: But you made a mistake.

You tried to scare my family.

- You couldn't know...
- (THUD!)

MAN ON TV:... what
you were dealing with,

the hell you would unleash.


Because the chose the
wrong guy to mess with.





- CARTER: Hey. Hey. Hey. Sorry. Sorry.

I didn't mean to freak you out.

(SOFTLY) What are you doing here?!

- Hi.
- Oh, my God. Hi.

I needed to come tell you
so you could see my eyes.

I can't see your eyes.
It's so fucking dark.

- I told her.
- Stop.

Look, I told Genevieve that it's me.
That it's us in the pictures.

You wouldn't need to the leave
the show if we were together.

- Why?
- We love each other, bae.

You let me come on your tits
six hours ago. That means something.

- Well, I didn't do very much. Stop.
- Look. Look.

- I'll talk to him, okay?
- No!

We'll sort it out like grown-ups.
Like in a Woody Allen film.

Please, your voice.

Your voice is so loud.
It really carries.

The air... No, listen to me.
The air out here, it's so still.

- We can be... we can be together.
- No.

No? So why did you come by today?
Why did we just do that?

Carter, you're being crazy.
You have to... You're crazy. Stop it!

- Let's do it. Let's... let's jump!
- No. Stop!

Stop, please. No. Please. I can't.
I can't do that right now.

I just told my wife. What the
fuck am I meant to do now?

Shhh! I don't know.

CARTER: I can't believe
you're doing this to me.

Doing what? I'm not doing anything.

Can you just tell me
if we're doing this?

'Cause I'm just gonna have
to crawl back to Genevieve

on my hands and knees right now.

- Sorry. I can't right now.
- You can. You can.

- Oh!
- You can.

No! Stop it!

Okay. Okay. Right.

Well... Alright, I understand
now, don't I? Cool.

Then we can't work together,
obviously, now I've told her.

And so now my life's fucked.

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry. I'm just...

- There goes my marriage.
- Please.

And now I'm gonna have to write you
out of every fucking episode. Fine!

- Shh! Shhh!
- No, fine!

Sorry. Fucking car. Where's my car?


- COB: You alright?

Yeah. Sorry, I just...

What? What is it? Is it her?

- No, it's not...
- Is someone out there?

No. No. No!

Stop! No, because
you've had a drink. Don't...

There's no-one there. It's just me.
I'm just being para.

I'm just... I'm losing
my mind. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm going mad.

- I'm going mad.
- You are not going mad.

I am going mad. It's just...

It's like... It's just so much...

It's just so much with the stalker.

Yeah, well, they tend
to do that, don't they?

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
because you were right.

Of course you're right.
Of course I have to leave the show.

You know, I told them and I
don't know what I was thinking.

You know, I just thought they would
be angry with me, but you're right.

It's just a stupid fucking show.
I'm sorry. I love...

Okay, I love you. I'm s...

- COB: It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
- I'm sorry.

- COB: Come here. Come here.
- I'm sorry.

You're fine. Come on.

Come on. Let's get you to bed. Okay?

I'll sleep down here tonight.


COB: It's okay.

- I'm just...

I'm just gonna do the alarm.

Okay. Good thinking.