I Hate Suzie (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Shock - full transcript

♪ I'll say this ♪

♪ I miss you more every day ♪

♪ Daylight, it leads me ♪

♪ Back your way ♪

♪ Falling ♪

♪ Into my arms again... ♪

♪ I'll say this ♪

♪ I miss you more ♪

♪ My friend. ♪

Okay. How old are you?

15.



And what did you say
your name was, sweetheart?

Suzie Pickles.

Okay, well, that's the last time

anyone's gonna ask you that, Suzie,

'cause you are gonna be a star.

Fuck off!

- Fucking... You're fucking joking.
- No, no, I'm not.

- No, I'm not! No, I'm not!
- They offered it?

Yes!

Oh, my God! I'm gonna
be a Disney Princess!

Send me a confirmation email.
Send it to me!

I'm gonna call you back in a sec.
I'm gonna call you back.

Oh, sorry, Lorraine. Sorry, Kate.

Hi, Lorraine! Hi, Lorraine's dog!



It's a beautiful morning!

Hello, little man!

Mummy is gonna be a princess.

A princess!

Do you want some breakfast?

Good morning, Pete!

Breakfast? Breakfast? Breakfast?

Come on, come on!

Good morning, girls!

Good morning! Hey.

Hey.

Suz, it's come through officially.

- No way. You're joking.
- Yeah, I just got an email.

Can you forward it to
me just so I can see?

Okay, doing it now.

- Love you, babe.
- Oh, I love you too.

Never had any doubt.

Oh, don't be weird.

You're not gonna believe this.
They offered me the Disney gig.

Are you kidding?!

- I'm not.
- What?

I thought there was no
way this could happen.

- I know!
- Are you sure?

I mean, is there paperwork? I...
I thought that you were too old.

I know. Well, apparently
that's the joke, but...

- Oh.
- Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

Like, I thought it was all
villains from now on, you know?

- Hello, superstar!
- Wait. Hang on, hang on. Let's not...

- Superstar!
- Suz, let's not tell Frank just yet.

Isn't it filming really far away
and, like, incredibly soon?

Oh, wow! Okay.

Jolly good. Right. Uh, when
does it start shooting, then?

Uh, in about a month.

Oh, come on. Let's
celebrate, let's celebrate.

Where's that bottle of champagne
I got from the TV show?

- Bye-bye, TV!
- Does champagne go off, doesn't it?

Well, we shall find out!

- Yeah, I dunno. Maybe not right now.
- No, no. Come on.

- At 9:00 in the...
- So I'm just gonna drink on my own?

Genuinely, I'm fine at
9:00 in the morning.

- Oh, my gosh! Okay.
- Oh! Yay.

Sorry. Oh.

Okay, Mummy made a mess.

- What do we think, huh?
- I made a mess.

- When we make a mess...
- I'll just clean up.

... we clean up!

I'll do it later. It's fine.
We'll just do it later.

Silly of me.

Silly Mummy!

It's great, though. Hey, no, it's great.

Well done. Great job.

Oh, my God! That's the
cleaner. The cleaner!

Wait. We've got those people
coming. Why didn't you cancel?

Hi, Claudia. How are you?

I'm fine. How are you?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Shoes.

Okay.

Cob, can we just generally get
things off surfaces so she can...

Isn't everything on a surface?

I thought that was Newton's law
of things and other things.

Where's the bleach?

Thank you!

Oh!

Hmm...

Suz?

... about how Boris Johnson

summed up last night's...

- Hey!
- Hiya.

Hey, I'm Dory, assistant
editor at 'Esquire'.

- Yeah, you won't remember but...
- Hey.

... I asked you a question
from the audience

on that show 'How Come?',
that kids' show in the noughties?

- Oh, yeah. Um, I remember.
- Hi. Sorry.

- Morning.
- The show, not you. Maybe you.

- Excuse me.
- What's your name again?

Dory. Weird to call a kids' show
'How Come?' You wouldn't now.

- Yeah, I love your house.
- Thank you.

I mean, it's a nightmare,
but it's great.

I haven't been out this far
since I visited my parents.

Oh, this is Clive, photographer.

- Hey.
- This is very, very cool.

- Thank you for this, Suzie.
- Oh, yep.

- Belinda's on costume.
- Uh-huh. Hiya.

- Harry on sound.
- Oh, I thought it was just stills.

Yeah, but, um... Yeah, we'll be
doing this vlog thing online.

- I can tell you what to say.
- Yeah.

And we got Brian and
Em moving things about

if we need things moved about.

- Christ! Ow!
- Watch yourself.

And this is...

- Morning.
- Barry.

- Barry.
- Hello.

I don't know what the fuck Barry does.

Okay. Oh, wow!

Yeah, amazing, aren't they?

Yeah, we emailed about the dogs.

Well, I don't remember that email.

- Oh, yeah, I want to say... Natalie?
- Naomi.

Naomi said that that was
definitely an option.

- But, yeah, we'll play with it.
- Alright, um...

- Yeah, okay!
- Careful of the walls!

Oh, okay, um...

- Does anyone want a cup of tea?
- Oh, yes, please!

- Tea! We want some tea.
- Yeah, lovely.

Okay, raise your hands
if you want a tea.

Have you got any 'exspresso'?

Where are the other mugs?!

How was... Oh, is glasses a good idea?

Yeah, well, they can't share, can they?

Oh, fuck.

- Fuck! Uh...
- Yeah.

- That's basically what I thought...
- Where's the... Where's...

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God!

Out the way, out the way. Oh!

It's okay.

Can everyone listen to me?

- All this furniture out...
- Okay, there we go.

I just wondered...

- Oh, my gosh!
- Whoa! Jesus Christ!

Are you dyspraxic?

- Want me to take those for you?
- No, no, no. They're really hot.

- But you're holding them.
- Yes.

Okay.

4G isn't working. Can we get any wi-fi?

They just need another plug...

Why does Naomi keep
calling you on my phone?

Um, I don't know.

I think there's probably
something wrong with my phone.

- It's been a bit weird.
- Right, you...

Suz?

- Listen, something's happened.
- Mm-hm.

You know?

Mm-hm.

- Okay, can you not talk?
- Mn-mn.

There's a lot of stuff online saying

you're one of a bunch of
hacked photos going up.

I think they're circulating
on smaller Nazi sites.

Sounds good.

Are you aware of any
images of you and Cob

basically being... having...

Like, of you sucking him off?

Laugh if you are.

Sort of.

Okay, and are they photos
that belong to you?

- Laugh if yes.
- Can I just say yes?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Okay, and what were they on? Say
when I say it. Laptop? iPad?

- Phone? External...
- When.

- Sorry, sorry. Which one?
- Phone!

Oh, my gosh. Should I
smash it? Should I smash it?

What? Why? I don't know. Shit!

Maybe. No, no.

Okay, I sort of need you
to take control right now.

I'm on my way to the train.

I'm gonna come around, get everyone out.

Don't do that. By the time you
get here, they'll all be finished.

I really have to speak to Cob.

They've announced who it is in advance,

like it's 'Strictly' or something.

Maybe it's bollocks, but I think
it's a brace-yourself thing.

Okay. I've gotta... I've gotta go.

What's wrong?

What? I don't know. I just...

I'm just feeling a bit, um, not great.

- No, what's wrong with your phone?
- It's doing something weird.

It was making this
really weird sound like...

I don't... I think there
was something wrong it.

Some upgrade I did or
didn't do. I don't know.

But you might want to, um,

look out for using yours at the moment.

What... what do you want Frank to
do if he doesn't have his iPad?

I don't know, Cob. Pretend
it's like the '40s or something.

Oh, oh, right, okay. Yeah, cool.

I'll just beat him with a switch
and get him evacuated, obviously.

No, look, look! He's playing with
the dogs over there. That's really...

Are they safe? Does anyone
know if those dogs are safe?

- Right.
- Suzie?! Suzie!

Okay, we've got lots of things to wear.

We've got a couple of
coats. This is the coat.

We have another coat, but this is
the one for dog-matching reasons.

Where do you want to change?

Oh, it's so nice out here, isn't it?

- Is this where you live all the time?
- Yeah.

Pay for it with the low
ceilings, though, don't you?

Still, that's the dream, place
in the country, place in town.

We didn't have a place in town.

I was so pleased to see
you're still doing stuff.

Yeah, I mean, it's...
it's a really good show.

It's just, you know, it's so many shows.

Oh, exactly. That's what I say.

TV's not really my thing. Hi, Chloe!

Just wondering what
we're doing make-up-wise.

Yeah, hair first and
then we were thinking,

like, a Cruella de Vil-y look?

It's quite horror-y, isn't it?

- Sorry, I haven't seen the show.
- That's... Don't worry.

- I mean, how can there be so much TV?
- There can't.

You'd have to tell me it's the best,
best, best thing you'd ever seen

and even then I probably won't watch it.

Right, so you did this look
back in 2000 and I loved it.

Have you got the wi-fi
password, darling?

Oh, hang on. I've got 3G, so all good.

Let's have a look.

What? What?

Excuse me.

What? What, what, what, what?

Hang on. Shh, shh.

- Chloe, what is it?
- I'll show you in a second!

What? Oh, my God!

Somebody's made a friend.

Oh!

Look at that.

I'm allergic to dogs, otherwise we'd...

No!

Yeah.

Are you alright?

Yeah.

Listen.

Do you know...?

You've got great skin.

Thanks.

Suzie?

Excuse me.

What is going on?

That's you done, darling.

What, sorry?

- Do you know what I'm talking about?
- Um...

Yeah. No. I mean, what
are you talking about?

There's been some sort
of hack thing online.

I've had, like, 20 texts from people.

Even my fucking brother's texting me.

Is that what it is?

That's what Naomi... that's
what I meant about my phone.

Have you been hacked?

- Oh, my God.
- Well, fuck, what did they get?

You don't even have to
think about it, okay?

- What?
- Don't think about it.

- That's what they want.
- I am somewhat thinking about it.

It's probably just a hoax.

We're just thinking about
the shot at the moment.

We love the fur coat.
We wanna use the coat.

But it is real fur.

And your agent said that...

It's fine.

- Exactly, 'cause it's vintage. Huh.
- Yeah.

We gotta be prepared...

Just...!

Okay, over we come. There.

Right, dogs are the last thing
we do. No pre-emptive dogs.

Thank you. Right, out. Thanks.

- Hello, Suzie.
- Hi.

We don't know what we're
looking for right now.

We're just gonna cycle through
some feelings and see where we are.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

We're here, yeah?
You're here with me right now.

You've done this before.
Powerful stuff, yeah.

Lovely, Suzie, Sorry. Remarkable, Suzie.

Defiant, Suzie. Yeah, impressive,
Suzie. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Such a great face.

Whatever's going on right now,
yeah, no, don't shy away from me.

Go with it. It's really powerful stuff.
Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, maybe raise
an eyebrow or something

just to sort of mix it up a bit.

Yep, yep, yep.

Gorgeous.

Absolutely gorgeous.

- Yep, straight down the barrel.
- I'm sorry.

Ooh, okay.

Thank you. Can you...
can you just give us a minute?

Yeah.

Thanks.

This is literally on the internet now.

- Oh, my God.
- You haven't seen this?

Well, I... have now.

- Where's it from? When is it from?
- I don't know.

I don't know. I don't...

Sorry. I'm just... I'm
just a bit freaked out.

- What the fuck is going on?
- I don't know! I...

Are you sure it's on the...
And not just on your phone?

What? Can you get them to go, please?

I... Please, I don't... I don't
know what this is. I don't know.

They're only gonna be another
half an hour at the most.

All their stuff's here now.

Who gives a shit that
their stuff's here?

- Suzie?
- Yeah!

- Can we chat?
- Yeah, just... just...

- Now, please. Now!
- I don't know!

I really have to go to the...
Cob, Cob, I need the loo.

I have to go like that. I
need it like that! Please.

- Oh...
- Jesus Christ!

Just the coat, it's
looking quite glamorous.

Yeah, which we don't
think that we wanna do.

We wanna use it, but we
want to undermine it.

So, uh, yeah, Rob's gonna
go get some red paint,

like, fake blood to put
on it and the dogs.

- Can we put paint on the dogs?
- I don't know.

- Probably. You can paint sheep.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Are you good with that?
- Yeah.

'Cause it's important to me

that anyone that sits for
me in whatever capacity...

Okay, I'm just... I'm so sorry.
I'll be out in a minute.

Sorry. Can I just...

- Yeah? Yeah.
- Yes!

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Don't get shit on the coat.

Oh, no, no, no! Claudia,
please don't come in here.

- Um, actually, you can go.
- You don't want me to finish?

No, no, no, it's fine. We'll
pay you, but you can go.

- I'd rather finish the job.
- Brilliant, but just not in here.

Everyone's seeing it now.

I'm being made a fucking
a prick of, aren't I?

Yeah, okay.

Okay! Everybody out. We're done here.

I'm sorry, but it is time
for you to leave, okay?

You, budget Hemsworth,

I need you to get everyone
the fuck out of my house.

Right. Where is she? Mamma's here.

- Amazing. Christ!
- No, no, just me.

- I'm leaving.
- I've got this. Hey.

Oh, good, you've touched my
arm. Everything's alright now.

Right, I need you guys to get
these people out of my house

or I swear I'm gonna get my air rifle...

- You okay?
- ... pick them off one by one.

It's gonna be a fucking
hipster bloodbath in here!

- That feels very aggressive.
- Dory, we need you!

Hiya, I just want to say
they're a bit worried

they might have made a
mess in your kitchen.

- Um...
- Oh, my God!

No! Oh, my God, no! I'll do that!

Let me do that. You go.
Come on. You go, you go.

Okay, I need everyone
to give Suzie some space

and stop her doing
whatever the fuck she's...

God, is that blood?

Babe, babe, get up.

I'm Naomi Jones, Suzie's manager.

- I spoke to someone on the phone.
- Oh, yeah, me.

- I did say dogs, didn't I?
- Okay, can you actually give us a sec?

Yeah, of course. I just
want to say... One sec.

I do this thing about women online.

I have a site,
Feminazi-obviously ironic.

- But I actually run it.
- Right.

I am doing this thing about consent

and I would never forgive myself

if I didn't ask you, with
everything going on...

What do you want? Do you want them out?

I don't know.

It's just they're here now and I just
don't want to cause any trouble.

Please don't do that thing where
you act all professional, okay?

I genuinely do not have the
energy to pretend to respect you.

What the fuck is wrong with you?
It's bad enough without you.

I'm sorry the world's seen your
dick, but also fuck off slightly.

You haven't seen the pictures, have you?

- What, have they just gone up?
- Mm-hm.

Oh, yeah.

Let's get the dogs in.

Great. Okay, ladies, you go in
for your checks. Amazing.

- Hello, darling.
- Come on.

Alright, Clive's gonna
do the blood in post

'cause they just keep licking it off.

Yeah, alright. Yeah.

Okay, everyone happy with final checks?

- She's ready, Dory.
- Happy?

Alright, let's get the big one.

Fuck!

Wow. This is superstar stuff.

Suzie, this way.

- Yeah, yeah. Thank you.
- Sorry.

Wonderful. Look up. Thank you.

Is someone at the door?

Cob?!

Right, sorry, I've gotta...

- No, please... Oh.
- I've got dog!

- I've got a dog!
- Sorry.

Yeah, I'll grab this
and this. Thank you.

- Here you are, my dear.
- Thank you.

Hello... Oh, my God.
What have I interrupted?

Hello. What's this?

- Oh, God. Am I in a movie?
- Hello?

He said it was an emergency.
Is the big man around?

Hi, Colin. How you doing? We'll
start with this door, please.

Uh, hang on. Sorry. What's going on?

We're getting the locks
changed, right now.

Uh, no, I don't... I don't think we are.

Oh, no, we are.

Um, no, it's fine. Colin, thank you.

- You can go.
- No.

We really are getting
the locks changed, Suzie.

Do you want to explain to our
good friend Colin why or shall I?

Um, yeah, we... we were burgled.

Yeah, we... That's... We were just...

- Yeah.
- So what's this, then?

Yeah, those guys are just
dusting for prints, Colin.

Right, none of my business.

- What was stolen?
- Uh, nothing. Nothing really.

Yeah, we thought we'd been
burgled, but we hadn't actually.

But we do think they
got a copy of the key.

That's what we think they got.

So obviously we need
to change the locks.

- Ah, okay.
- Suzie-floozy?

Wow. That is amazing.

That was... that was
genuinely beautiful.

- It really is a sight to behold.
- We need to do something.

The dogs are getting a little bit feral.

Mmm, excuse me.

Right, wonderful! She's back.

Right, do we need more
blood, do you think? No?

Yeah, no, she looks
great. I'm happy with that.

- Let's do this. Let's go.
- Straight down, yeah.

Chin down a little bit, please. Yeah.

Fantastic, that. Light's good.

Okay.

No, no, no. Seriously?

Can we, um... We need to
shoot some video, please.

So we need to cut the sound.

No, can we just do the
fucking photo, alright?

Just get it done. Just do
the fucking photo. Do it!

- Do you need to...
- Yep.

Okay, can someone help her
with that so she doesn't...

- Who does this belong to?
- Thank you, thank you.

- Yeah, she's here right now.
- Very good.

Please, please, just...

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter!

- You good? Thanks.
- Thank you.

Nice to meet you.

Ooh! Can you just watch my walls?

Oh, shit.

- Is that it?
- Just the last thing.

Yeah, cheers. Thanks.

- Oh, great, fantastic.
- Great.

'Bye. Oh, 'bye, Colin.

- Oh, Cob's got the new keys.
- Yeah, yeah, great.

Don't you want the guys
to hoof this back in?

It's fine. Obviously,
we're big and strong.

- Really? Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.

- 'Bye, then.
- Alright, 'bye.

- Oh, are you keeping the coat?
- Um...

- I mean, can I?
- It's fur, though.

- Oh, no, then.
- That'll wash out.

- Well, then... yeah. 'Bye.
- Come here, Dory.

- 'Bye.
- 'Bye!

- 'Bye. Fucking go.
- See you later!

'Bye!

'Bye!

- Cob!
- Cob, let her in.

Double-locked!

Cob!

- Cob, let her in!
- Cob!

- What?
- What are you doing?

When? When?!

I don't know! What are
you talking about?

I don't even know what
you're talking about!

Just stop!

Alright, I want Frank, then!

Suz, he's crazy. He's insane.

Let... let's just talk about
it, whatever it is that I...

- I don't even know...
- Go to the back door!

- Oh, my God! Oh, Cob!
- Cob!

- Cob!
- Give me the key!

- Give me the key. Cob!
- You want it? Take it.

Give me the fucking key! Hey!

Right, I want my fucking phone, then.

- I swear to God...
- He has my phone!

Cob, you fucking child!

Give me my son and my fucking phone!

Are you three years old?

Go and look for Mum's phone.

For Mummy's phone upstairs.

Upstairs. Good boy.

Bravo. So clever. Fucking hell.

Suz? It's not opening.

For fuck sake...

- There's no key. Where's the key?
- There?

- There?
- Are they painted shut?

- There?
- No, there's no key.

Oh, fuck's sake, Cob!

Yes! Yes, give it to Mummy.
Give it to Mummy. Good boy.

Good... Ooh! Good.

You are very much mistaken.

Oh, no.

Charger!

Can I please just go to my friend?

- Thank you!
- Well done!

Thanks.

Oh...

I just need a charger.

I just need a charger.

Have you got a charger, mate?

You.

Ehh...

Got a charger, mate?

I hate this. I hate this.

I hate you and I hate you.

I hate this fucking place.

I hate the dark. I hate the stars.

You shouldn't be able
to see so many stars.

I hate the church.

Alright?

I hate that stranger for
being so rare. I hate the pub.

It's cheap. It's too cheap.

You know that's suspiciously
cheap for a wine?!

I hate the way people always
leave their doors unlocked.

It's not normal. Lock your
houses. Lock your houses.

These people aren't nice.
They're just already rich.

I hate their distress
at losing PizzaExpress.

I mean, I fucking hate this place.

♪ I hate seein' the stars at night ♪

♪ I miss the smog and the rising crime ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ Fuck this life. ♪

Where am I even going?

He's watching 'Pointless'
aggressively loud.

Sorry.

So obviously it's not your
husband's... penis in the photos.

Your highlights in the
shot are gold, not blonde,

so that's only from
about three months ago.

It's not your bedroom. I know that.

And you just look really happy.