I Hate Suzie (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Bargaining - full transcript

Cob decides it's his turn to let loose and Suzie is forced to combine her dinner with her producers with Cob's wild night out.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com

- (DING!)
- At least she's having fun.

Three of her sucking his cock,
and then this one taken after.

- (DING!)
- There's more in the background.

- Do you see?
- COB: What? I don't see anything.

Ha-ha. Look closer.


- (DING!)
- Ha-ha! Slag.

- Terrible tits too.
- L-O-L.

- (DING!)
- Yes, I prefer bigger ones.

- On a smaller frame, ideally.
- Same.

Aw, your preference is for
bigger breasts on a smaller frame.

What a connoisseur.

What a rare and unique
gazonga palette you have, sir.

I haven't seen that top before.

- But have you looked over there?
- Room service!

COB: Plates? Some food? A wineglass?

- (DING!)
- But what's above the wineglass?

- (DING!)
- Now you see it. Deep background.


- (DING!)
- Drugs as well. Disgusting.

That's not all she put in
her mouth. LOL. ROFL.

- Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

- Ha-ha.

- Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

- Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha.



I keep reporting all
the sites that upload it

and then threatening anyone who reposts.

Some other... fucker puts it up.

Cob, you don't have to do that, okay?

- The lawyers are on it, it's not...
- Mm-hm.

- It's not your problem.
- Isn't it?

Did you watch that TED Talk I sent you?

No, I didn't.

And maybe don't send me
any more fucking YouTube clips

from fucking Naomi for me to watch
about your fucking infidelity.

Sorry, I thought I'd deleted
the bottom of the email.

But it's Esther Perel, you know?
She's very good.

When was the last time you took drugs?

- What sort of drugs?

I mean, women take all sorts of drugs,

you know, all the time
to deal with all the pain.


Do you know what else
is in those photos?

(SIGHS) His balls? My stretch marks?

If you look really closely,
am I in blackface?

- Coke. Cocaine.

On a phone. His, presumably.

You're fucking joking?

Nope. Someone in one of the
forums really kindly blew it up.



Yeah. Didn't mention that, did you,
when we talked about it?

I didn't mention...
Of course I didn't mention that.

- That wasn't the main...
- So it's that common, is it?

For you to take a shitload
of drugs with someone?

- And then...
- No.

We used to do that all the time
before we... before Frank.

And I assumed that
we both gave all that up.

Really? 'Cause can I raise a hand
to the Critics Circle Award 2016?

Fuck off! That was, like, 10 years ago!

- No, it was 2016.
- I'm not boring!

Okay? It's... it's like...

It's like you made me boring.
We both agreed to be boring.

And then you've been off down
this whole other secret hole of life.

- It's not fair!
- I haven't.

- That's not an accurate...
- Yes, it is! It's not fair, Suz!

You can't just make me boring

and then go and fuck
this other idiot guy

because you're fucking
bored of me... that's bullshit.

I compromised, okay? I... I gave stuff up.

You didn't compromise anything,
you just fucking moved...

- I understand that.
- No, you don't.

- Suzie, I thought I was depressed!
- You are depressed.

I'm not fucking depressed! I just
need a new dressing gown, okay?

I'm not depressed!

I just need to not be with
a complete psychopath!

And if you don't get that,
if you don't understand that

I need some fun now, I need
some fucking attention here,

then I... I just...
I genuinely don't think...

... that this... that this can work.


- Hey, big man!

Yes, sir. Music for dancing.


Just fucking dance.

Look, I know I fucked up massively,
okay? I'm aware of that.

I'm trying to be better, I actively am.

If I do the Disney gig,
we can just start again.

We just go out there,
forget all of this...

You think Disney are gonna wanna
work with you with a drug scandal?

- Are you delusional?
- They can't just assume what it is.

Okay? You can buy legal highs online,
it looks exactly the same.

They don't know the context.

It's white powder on a phone screen

with a fucking TV exec
with his cock in your mouth.

That's quite a lot of context, isn't it?



SUZIE: I'm a terrible mother.
I'm a terrible wife.

I'm only a slightly
above average actress.

I think the last time I spoke to you
was my wedding vows. Yeah.

I know you probably think,

"Oh, she only comes to me
when I want something", but...

... please, I really need your help.

I'll be good from now on.

- I'll tell the truth.

I'll be a better mother,
a better wife, a better friend.

I know you can't
take it all away, but...

Maybe you can, you know?
You're... so powerful and all that.

Is that alright? You know,
just... just give me a sign if...


Oh, wow. I mean, that's, um...

- Um...

Have we got a deal?

I mean... amen.




- Naomi Duribchi?
- Yes.

Nice to see you again.

Okay, so, um, we're not at a total loss.

You haven't totally stopped
ovulating, which is good.

- Right.
- Very low levels of AMH and FSH.

Every time you've come in,
I've suggested egg freezing.

Mmm. Which you sell.

But I think we're past that point.

- Look, I'll do it, okay? I'll do it.
- No. No.

What I mean is at your stage,
and at your age,

with the quality of the eggs,

I don't think it's the best use
of your time or money.

Sorry? Wait. You don't want them?

We've been monitoring you,
and you have the levels

we would expect in a woman
5, 10 years older.

Yeah, but aren't
all your tests from, like,

French stats from the
1890s or something?

I'm looking specifically at your
body, and you're perimenopausal.


It's not unusual in women
in their late 30s.

I'm in my mid-to-late 30s.

You could still get pregnant
naturally. We don't know.




- Where's Frank?
- He's over there.

- What did she say?

She just kept saying,
"Tiny window. Tiny window".

Tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, like
a fucking doll's house or something.

- But that's not bad, is it?
- Much lower than normal for my age.

I've got a super low ovarian reserve.

Like, hardly any follicles.
Well below average.

I guess in order for there
to be an average,

someone has to be well
below average, don't they?

So is that an illness?

No, Suz, that's just how averages work!

Hey. Did you spit at a swan?

No, we...

I told you, we don't spit at swans.

- So, what are you gonna do?
- I don't know. I don't know.

Patriarchal fucking medicine
hasn't done any research.

It's my own fault. It's my own fault.

The whole reason I broke up with Mart...

I said for years...

I don't believe they know.
I don't believe they know.

How can they just say...

Well, you know what Mum would
say about a situation like this?

- Yeah, "Fuck a squaddie".
- Exactly, fuck a squaddie.

Seriously. Who loses?
Alright, forget all the science.

You haven't got time for what
you thought you had time for.

Just fucking get on,
get into it, do it, alright?

You know what you want,
just get the fuck on with it.

Yeah, yeah. I know that.
I do that. I am that.

- Ugh!
- Mmmm!

I like your, um, sh...

What are shoes?

Oh, cool.

- How are you?
- Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay, so listen, in other news,
the zombie people are suing you.

- (LAUGHS) Oh, yes.
- Yeah.

- The producers, for leaving the show.
- Whoo!

It's impossible for me
to get you out of contract

because you won't let me tell them
the reason that you're leaving.

- Can't they fucking guess?!
- It doesn't profit them to guess.

- Just let me tell them!
- No, he's just told his wife.

I can't get him into trouble twice.

You're crazy. Then you talk to them.

They wanna take you out
for dinner on Friday night.

Friday night? I can't go out
for dinner on Friday night.

I'm going out with Cob.
We're going to have some fun.

It's date night. It's dick night.

If you can't go,
then I have to tell them.

I'm trying to save my marriage!

And I'm trying to save your career!

- SUZIE: I said I'm sorry.

So we don't have to stay for long.

Then I've booked this really
nice place for afterwards.

It's got a great tasting menu
and cocktails and all that, you know?

Or we could just stay there
and have a free meal.

I can't fucking believe
they have the gall to sue you!

I think they just wanna see how
serious I am about leaving, you know?

I think we just keep it nice and light.

I'm... I'm light. I'm lighter than air.

I'm lighter than all the noble gases.

I'm lighter than fucking...
I'm lighter than hydrogen,

which is, unbeknownst to many,
even lighter than helium.

Which is why they filled
the 'Hindenburg' with it.

- And why all those people died.
- Great.

PODCAST NARRATOR: Helen's jumper had
been pulled up to expose her body.

She had six wounds on her head,
most of which caused fractures.

She also had multiple
stab wounds to her chest.

Helen's body had actually been
well concealed by the river

and they had difficulty
in removing her from the scene.

G concluded that Helen had actually
been killed somewhere else,

and then her body had been left
at that location for some time.

Is that a pill?

Okay. Wow!

- Go on. Fun. We're having fun.
- No. No, no, no, no.

- Um, ah, yeah, maybe after.
- Here you are.

I'm alright, thanks.

Oh, so you'll take drugs
with him but not with me.

Don't be like that.
I've got the meeting, haven't I?

Well, that was work,
when you were with him.

We'll just tell them to go fuck
themselves, then we're gonna go out,

and me and you are gonna have
a lovely fucking time, okay?

- Alright, alright!
- Right!

- I'll just...
- Christ on a bike.


- Whoo!
- Alright.



- Eli?

- Naomi. Hi.
- Hi.

Oh. Wow. You're really in East London

waiting for me in this orb?

- Yes.
- God. Trapping me in this orb.

- Shall we small-talk, then?
- God, I hate small talk.

Of course you do. Who likes small talk?

Who says, "I'm all about
the insignificant bullshit?"

Go on, then. What's your opener?

Have you ever been in a car accident?

Oh, God! No. No.

- Have you?
- No.

I don't drive.

- Oh. Cool.

So, have you read anything good lately?

Since being online, I just
don't read anymore, you know?

But then I was saying this
to my friend the other day,

and she said... yes, 'she'...
"Well, wait a minute.

"What are you doing when
you're looking at your phone?"

- Ah.
- And I thought, "Oh, yeah!"

'Cause that's reading, right?
That's another way of looking at it.

Okay, so... Sorry, have you
read any books recently?

No. Oh, my God, wait!

I'll tell you the best book
I have read in years. Oh!

Have you ever read...
A few years ago, amazing book.

I don't know if you've heard of it,
it's called 'Sapiens'.

Yeah, I've read 'Sapiens'.
It's very entertaining.

Oh, yeah, but it's so
intelligent and insightful!

It's, like, all of mankind
from when it started,

all the way to here right now.

Yeah, I've read it.

And what people don't realise

is just how incredible
everything that's happened is,

and how we're just these monkeys,
you know, back from the desert.

We're desert monkeys, basically.

And that influences
everything we do all the time.

Where are you from, originally?

It's a very commercial
piece of writing, I think.


- You should read it.
- Okay.

- MAN: Here she is.

Hello! We've got two
for the price of one!

- Hello!
- Cob's just here for moral support.

- MAN: Hi, Suzie.
- SUZIE: Hi!

- Ohh! Mwah!
- (LAUGHS) Okay. I'm so glad.

- SUZIE: Hello.
- Oh!

Strange lighting, isn't it?

COB: Hwung, hwung. (CHUCKLES)

- Oh, you two look nice.
- Thank you.

- He can stay.

It is unbelievably kind
of you to join us, Suzie.

I can't even imagine how busy you are.


I know the conversations
we're having behind the scenes

- are what they are.
- Mmm.

But that's not us.

- We just love you.
- Aww, they love you!

You need to know how
unbelievably delighted we are

with your work so far on the series.

That's why we can't bear it.

I'm trying to play it
as you would, you know,

if you were being attacked
by zombies in wartime.

- But it's hard to know.

- Champagne.
- Have a look at what you'll have.

Everybody's gonna have
the most expensive thing.

Oh, God. Okay, listen.

Before you guys start trying to guilt
us through the medium of steak,

I just... I don't want there
to be any strangeness, okay?

We've all seen the photos,
haven't we? Yeah.

- Do you mean...
- The... stolen, hacked material?

Yes, ma'am.

I didn't know if it was...
I haven't looked at that.

- Obviously.

I hope someone reached out.
Did someone reach out?

You don't have to lie, okay?
People don't have to lie.

We are quite busy.

It must have been
a very difficult time for you.

Now, we haven't been appraised
of the full situation...

Well, Taylor, you'd better
get fucking appraised

because someone in HR
has fucked right up.

Ah, here he is!

We thought if there was anyone
that could sell staying on to you,

Disney or not, it's
the man with the plan!

You know Carter,
showrunner extraordinaire!

Mwah. Mwah.


Good evening.

Well, look who it is.

Yeah, I don't think we've met.




- Did you know he was coming?
- No, I fucking didn't. I didn't know.

(LAUGHS) Oh, look at you, man.
You sat down. Wow.

I was coming here to say

this shouldn't be a legal
matter because it isn't.

We were just saying, weren't we,
that you have all these ideas

as to where Suzie's character
could go, you know...


I'm sorry about the personal situation.

(LAUGHS) Fucking hell.

CARTER: Shouldn't make a difference.

This is fundamentally
a professional matter.

I think we've put everybody
in a very difficult position,

and that's probably our fault.

Do you want me to go?

Or do you wanna go?

I'm not going fucking anywhere, mate.


I'm the only person at this table

who has literally
nothing to be ashamed of.

- Hey, okay. Mea all the culpas.
- COB: Wow.

Suzie, will you look at this cunt?
I'm sorry, look at this cunt!


Well, Eli, your ex-wife
sounds like a bitch.

- Thank you very much.
- No, I haven't dated much, really.

But you are looking for a boyfriend

because, come on, you have needs.

Yeah, but I can outsource all that shit.

I have this adorable massage guy

who I've had for the last six months,

and after the deep tissue,

well, we engage in a bit of
non-penetrative play.

But after the last time,
he asked me out on an actual date.

- Are you paying for this?
- Hardly! I mean, I guess.

- Do you like him?
- My massage guy? Oh, he's wonderful.

But he's early 20s and totally unbroken,

and I don't wanna be the one
to do the breaking.

I don't wanna lose a good
massage guy, fundamentally.

I sometimes wonder if it's men
that want to be in relationships.

I just want a bit of spunk

and a range of needs being
met from various sources.

I think it's being with
a man that is ruinous.

- Wow.

We really got away from
the small talk, didn't we?

Yeah, we really, really did.

And I could snap it off like that.

Hey, man. Alright, brother.
No foul, no foul.

Don't fucking 'brother'
what-fucking-whatever me.

- Dude, this is a restaurant.
- That is factually fucking accurate.

Well done. No wonder
they say you're a genius.

WOMAN: I don't think
this is a negotiation

that you two can both
successfully be part of.

COB: No, no, no. I wanna hear him pitch.

- CARTER: I'm not gonna dance for you.
- COB: You're such a knob!

You two, I get that he's worth
more to you than she is.

A black showrunner, I get that.

Oh, whoopsy, did I say a bad word?

Did I say a true thing
in this palace of cunts?!

to find the loo. I don't feel well.

- (SUZIE WHISPERS) Okay. Okay.


SUZIE: I need to go to the loo.

Oh, my God, oh, my God!
My God! My fucking God.

- Help me! Help. Fucking help me.

Please, help me. Give me a sign.


- Hello?
- WOMAN: Suzie!

Hey! It's Doreen Bookman.

I'm VP at Disney Talent Relations
and Casting Reach Out.

- Is this a bad time?

Oh, well, it... it's not the best, it...

- It's fine.
- Fantastic.

So I wanted to touch base.

You didn't misunderstand. We think
you are an incredible artist.

And that's why we wanted
to reach out directly

and make sure you knew
how much we value you.

And I know there's some
tough things going on

with some private pictures of you
that have been stolen,

and we're gonna address that
with some of the tech companies.

And everyone is still on board,

and we absolutely consider you
a part of the Disney family.

- Oh, my God!
- Welcome to Disney, okay?

- (LAUGHS) Thank you!

Oh, my God, thank you.
Thank you so much.


And, look, I just wanna say that

there are... there are
lots of legal highs

that look very similar
to what's in that picture,

like, the white powder.

And I'm very happy to publicly say

that that's... that it's that,

you know, that's it's
not cocaine, if that helps.

Thank you.

- Doreen?
- Er, yeah, Suzie, thank you so much.

- We'll be in touch soon.
- Okay, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

WOMAN: Excuse me?

- Yeah?
- Pass me some loo roll, please?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Don't suppose you want
an ecstasy pill, do you?

I mean, no, no, that's stupid.

Why would you take a pill
off a stranger in a toilet?

WOMAN: No, that's okay.

- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.

- Go with God.


Honestly, what I wanna say,

but could never say
to a guy like you, is...

it's just a reality...
do you wanna go and fuck?

- I'm in my fertile window.

And chances are, by far,
nothing will happen as a result.

You get what all straight men
are supposed to want...

no-strings-attached sex...
and I get what I want,

the highest statistical chance of
having a child as possible.

But you're not saying that?

I'm saying it, but, no,
obviously not. I'm not saying it.

But that's what I would
say if... the world...

- Right.
- Anyway, anyway.

Siblings, films, travel, podcasts?

- Cereal?
- (SLURPS) Mmm.

Here she is!

Suzie, I am here with the producers
formally asking you

to not abandon your job on the show

because of a personal
and important relationship

that is not relevant
to this creative endeavour.

We weren't properly aware

of the personal element
of this situation.

Is there any way we can make this work?

You could fire him.

- I have been dealt my blow...
- COB: Job.

... in terms of my... life and
my home and my punishment.

And I see no reason why people
should be punished any further...

This guy took pictures of my wife

and now they're all round the world,

and it has fucked me and it has
fucked her and it's fucked them.

And it's him, it's fucking him!

It's up to Suzie.



I am gonna leave the show.


And we have to make that work

or things will get very ugly.

- (SLAP!)
- Bangarang!

- Thank... you.
- You're welcome.

Goodnight. And good luck.

- And good fucking riddance.
- Yeah, alright, mate.

- Yeah, alright, mate!
- CARTER: Yeah, alright.

Oh, we're mates then? Let's have a hug.

Alright, mate, come here!
We've gotta leave.

No, come here. I love you.

(MUFFLED) Oooh. I love you, yes.

Come on, Cob!

Cob. Cob.

Cob, let's go.


Cob, Cob, Cob, Cob.

- Come on. Cob. Cob. Cob.

If you want her to do pick-ups,

if you want her to do a death scene,

or a single fucking word of ADR
on this weak, derivative shitshow,

then I'm there for it.

And this pervert can't come
within 10 feet of her at any time.

Thank you and goodnight.

I worry about her.

Oh, I could bring a contract.

The woman could bring a legal disclaimer

saying there'll be no consequences
for you whatsoever.

It is totally legally binding.
I will never contact you again.

But apparently that would be mad.

That would be fucking insane.

Yeah, but the more sane you make it,
the more insane it becomes.


Now, I wanna hear all about
your psychosis and your life crisis

and your relationship with your mother.

- Oh, okay.
- Because I am way too exposed.

Well, okay, but I should
get you another drink.

- Even though that's terrifying.

- Something strong, please.
- Mmm.

A margarita to go with my shame.

Er, you can get your papers out.






NAOMI: What the fuck?


(HAUGHTILY) "If you want her to do..."


"... a line of ADR..."

ADR. You're such a fucking dick.

- Oh, my...
- I'm such a fucking dick.

- Such a fucking dick.
- I'm a fucking dick.


- Oh, this is a nice one!
- Yeah, it's alright, isn't it?

I think the owners
have fucked off to Spain.

Look, it's like the Flake
advert. (LAUGHS)

What Flake advert?

Oh, my God, do you not know
the Flake advert? How old are you?

(LAUGHS) Fuck off!

Just to be clear, you don't
want me to actually fuck off?

Er, listen, I need to know
that you're up for this,

'cause I pretty much get a UTI
every time I have sex

so it's really got to
be worth it, you know?






I want your cum. I
want you to cum, baby.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Be a good boy, be such a good boy.

I know you think it's bad but I like it.

Cum for mummy, cum for mummy.

Do it! Do it!

Come on! Come on!

Are you on the pill?


- No.






(WHISPERS) Thank you, God,
for everything.

I love you. Amen.



- Ah!

"We were not aware of some of
the details in the images

and we can no longer offer our support.

Disney obviously have... has

special responsibilities
towards its young audiences,

and has a zero tolerance policy
on any sort of substance abuse".


"We are formally withdrawing our offer

and are sorry to have to do so.

Disney and our affiliates look
forward to working with Suzie

at a later stage when
she has received..."

(LAUGHS) "... the help she needs".

- (LAUGHS) Oh, mumma. Oh, dear.
- Ohh.

- Well, fuck that mouse, huh?

- Fuck him.

Argh. Arwrwrwrww!

Okay, here we go.

Grub's up.

- Ahhhh.

- I'm down in the cellar.

Very dark. Ah...



♪ It wouldn't take me long ♪

♪ To tell you how to find it ♪

♪ To tell you where we'll meet... ♪


♪ This little girl inside me
is retreating to her ♪

♪ Favourite place ♪

- ♪ Go into the garden... ♪

♪ Go under the ivy ♪

♪ Under the leaves ♪

♪ Away from the party ♪

♪ Go right to the rose ♪

♪ Go right to the white rose ♪

(CHOIR SINGS) ♪ For me ♪

♪ I sit here in the thunder ♪

♪ The green on the grey ♪

♪ I feel it all around me ♪

♪ And it's not easy for me ♪

♪ To give away a secret ♪

♪ It's not safe... ♪

Okay. Shoot it like the
second time we blocked it.

- ♪ Go right to the white rose... ♪
- Action.

(SCREAMS) Help me!

- ♪ For me... ♪
- Oh, my God, help me!

♪ Go into the garden ♪

♪ Go under the ivy ♪

♪ Go under the leaves ♪

- ♪ With me... ♪

- ♪ Go right to the rose ♪

♪ Go right to the white rose ♪

- ♪ I'll be waiting for you... ♪

- (SOBS)
- ♪ It wouldn't take me long... ♪

- MAN: Cut!
- ♪ To tell you how to find it ♪

♪ To tell you where we'll meet ♪

♪ Go into the garden ♪

♪ Go under the ivy ♪

♪ Go right to the rose ♪

♪ Go right to the white rose ♪

♪ It wouldn't take me long ♪

♪ To tell you how to find it. ♪