I Feel Bad (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - I'm Not Sentimental - full transcript

I love getting rid of old junk,

but I always run into
the same obstacle.

Oh, my God! My T-shirt
from the Fun Run!

- Uh-huh.
- Came in 19th in my age group.

- I know.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, and Lily's white
belt from karate.

She earned this the first
day 'cause we paid

- for the whole year up front.
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God. The memories!
- This is the junk pile.

- What? Really?
- Yes, I was looking

for something to wear to our
15th-anniversary party,



but, oh, my God, we
have so much crap.

Crap? Okay, real... the
kids' artwork is crap now?

David, we have, like,
20 scraps of paper

where four-year-old Louie
drew lines and dots.

I mean, we get it... you can
draw a line, you can draw a dot.

Congratulations.
I'm keeping five.

I'm just saying, I think
you can be a little cold.

All right, well, I'm just saying I
think you can be a little sappy.

Well, I don't think there's
a person in the world

that would agree with you.

Okay, that is Jake's
bloody swaddle

that we wrapped him in
when he was first born.

It's where I keep the
kids' teeth and hair.

Put it down, you psycho!



Okay, you saved every tooth

our children lost and a lock
of hair from every haircut,

and I'm the psycho?

At least I'm hoping
that's what these are.

Oh, my God. I don't want to
have to lie to the police.

You know what? Just
leave me alone.

Precious memories.

Precious memories I'll throw
out when you're sleeping.

♪ - _

David finally agreed to
part with some stuff,

although I'm pretty sure I saw him
hiding his Fun Run shirt in the planter.

Ah, thank you.

Babe, don't you feel like a huge weight
has been lifted off your shoulders?

- We have so much space now.
- Yeah.

Do you still think we'll still be in
love with each other in 20 years?

- David.
- Yeah?

I want to be able

to see into the closet.

We are still growing
old together.

It just bothers me that you
can so easily emotionally

detach yourself from things
that I find meaningful.

What if we're so different, one
day you just detach from me?

Babe, babe, babe.
Don't be crazy, okay?

I can't afford this
mortgage by myself.

- Okay.
- Hello, hello, hello.

- Hello.
- Hi. Wow.

When you said you were
cleaning your closets,

I thought, "Perfect, now you
have room for all the junk

- you keep at my house."
- Great.

All right, let's see what it is.

Oh, it's all my old
college stuff.

It doesn't spark joy for me.

There are six more
boxes on the porch.

What?

Oh, it's Daddy calling
from his golf trip.

You've been gone from
home for one day.

Get a life, man.

Ouch. I see your cold, cold
heart condition is hereditary.

- Right from her.
- Yeah.

Oh, my... Baby? The
day we skipped class,

- went to the beach.
- Oh, my God.

- See? I keep stuff.
- I mean, that was a big day.

I mean, that was the day we
finally knew that we were

really in love with one another,

and then I got you the necklace to
commemorate our beach-aversary.

- Yeah.
- Try giving her mother

a good gift once in a while.

A candle for my birthday?
We have electricity.

- Okay.
- That was the first big gift

I ever got you. First big
gift I ever got any woman

because you're the only
woman I ever really loved.

Babe! Well, it's so special.

- Yeah?
- It's my favorite necklace.

- Yeah?
- Yes. Okay?

I have absolutely no
idea what necklace

he's talking about.

You know, I haven't seen you
in that necklace in forever.

Yeah, 'cause I was afraid
of losing it, babe.

Oh, no, no, no. I think
you should just wear it.

I mean, it would remind
me of old times and...

Yeah, well, you just ruined
the surprise, mister.

- What?
- I was going to wear it

for our anniversary party.

- I would love that.
- I would love that also.

Oh, look! This is the
teddy bear I bought you

when you had your tonsils out.

Oh. I hid my fun money in there.

Oh.

Hey...

Daddy's away.

Deuces Gone Wild Spa and Casino,

Mama's coming to play.

- That's a lot of money.
- That seems right.

Hey, Lily, we don't have to do anything
for Mom and Dad's anniversary, right?

Nah, we're off the hook for
anything before we were born.

Great, there's too many
things to celebrate.

The macaroni's barely dry
on the Mother's Day gift,

and we're already pulling
out the pipe cleaners

- for Father's Day.
- Hey, guys, hey.

Listen, is your,
uh, dad back yet?

No, he's still
playing basketball.

Oh, great.

You're looking for that necklace you
were pretending to have, aren't you?

Okay, I know I
have it somewhere.

You better find it for the
sake of your marriage.

I know.

Did you hear what Grandma said?

What if Mom and Dad
are in trouble?

Yeah, maybe we should do something
for their anniversary...

remind them how good
they've got it.

Yeah, we can't let
them get divorced.

I don't want to end
up like Judson.

He has to teach his dad's
new girlfriend math.

- Oh.
- Oh, what is wrong with me?

I can't find what
I'm looking for

because I don't even
know what it looks like.

Wait. Do you remember
what it looks like?

Yes. I remember exactly
what it looked like.

Oh, thank God.

Great. Will you draw it for me?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.

That was fast.

"It looks like a woman
who is screwed."

Happy anniversary, dear.

Oh, great. You guys are in.
Listen, I need your help.

I spent the whole
weekend cleaning,

which, I think we can all
agree, is the worst.

What, what, what?

Oh, unless you're talented
at it like Gladys,

and then you should
do it professionally

and follow your bliss.

Damn it. Ugh. Okay, look, I
just need you guys to help me

go through these boxes
of my old college stuff.

David gave me this
special necklace,

and I have no idea what it looks
like, so I can't find it.

I need clues. Go. Go, go, go.

Let's see what's in this
sad-ass box of memories.

Number one... we got
art-class sketches.

Oh, no, no, no. Put that down.

That's probably the one thing
in the box I do care about.

Oh, you don't care about
this guy in a porkpie hat

playing the clarinet?

Oh, I do, 'cause I married him.

That is David and his
college swing band,

"Big Papa D and the Jinx."

Wow. So, tell me, was it his
ponytail or his chain wallet

that made you think,
"Ooh, husband material"?

What do you know, Chewey?
You're alone.

- Checkmate.
- Oh, boy. Jackpot.

What, what? Did you find a clue?

I found what appears
to be 75 pages

of "Bloodlust: A Zuzhana St.
DuBois Story."

Were you trying to write
a trashy vampire novel?

No, that was for English lit.

"As he penetrated her
pulsating jugular,

she thought, if this is
how the night would be,

she no longer needed daylight."

It's a political metaphor, so...

"Unsheathing his immortal
manhood, she whispered,

'This has nothing to do with politics.
Take me.'"

- Part of the metaphor.
- Hey, here's a picture of you

- wearing a necklace.
- What? Let me see.

Oh, my God.

That's the necklace.
I remember it now.

Oh, my God. David had it
made for me from a pebble

that he found on the beach.

I had no idea this necklace
was so special to him.

Oh, God, I'm a monster. I
got to do the right thing.

Have a fake necklace
made and lie, lie, lie.

Yeah.

- Oh, we got next. Let's go.
- Let's go.

Hey, hold up, one second.

Just... uh, I need a real
quick emotional check-in.

Oh, no. Hey, fellas,
give us a second.

Do you guys ever look over at
the person sleeping next to you

and just think, "Who
is this stranger?"

Sure, I love sleeping
with strangers.

That's why I got divorced.

What's going on, man?

Sometimes I just think me
and Emet are so different.

You know what they say...
"Men are from Mars,"

- and... let's play.
- Wait, hold on.

I made her a necklace

out of a stone I found to
commemorate our beach-aversary.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold.
Hold a second.

You celebrate your
beach-aversary?

Yeah.

Come on, that's the
most romantic thing

I ever heard in my life.
Right? Okay.

That is the first big
present I ever got her,

and I don't even know
if she likes it.

I mean, she never
wears the thing.

Bro, hard truth time...
that thing is lost.

Gone forever. It's with
Biggie and 'Pac now, right?

Mm-hmm. Talking about losing,
we're about to lose this court.

- Can we play?
- Dave, this may not

be my place just as
your basketball friend,

but your wife undervalues
you as a husband and a man.

Right. Thank you.

'Cause that is how it
is feeling right now.

I mean, if she had given
me that necklace,

I would know exactly where
it is at all times.

It's either around my neck,

or it's in my locker 'cause I'm getting
a combination Thai, hot-stone massage.

This thing isn't
about the necklace.

It's about the fear that you love
her more than she loves you.

Or it can be in a
drawer somewhere.

- Can we play?
- No, no. He's right.

I've been taking it
way too easy on her.

- I got to call her bluff.
- Do it.

- Good talk. Thank you.
- Man up, baby.

Who cares?

I found Mom's old journals.

We can use them to do a play
at the anniversary party...

"Mom and Dad, A Love Story."

That is much better than the
card I've been working on.

Yeah, I always forget...
it's cut, then paste.

I'll get started on the script.

Guess what I did. I had
an exact replica made

of the necklace David
gave me and a backup

in case future me
forgets it existed.

So crisis averted, marriage
saved, cookie sleeve opened.

Your marriage is built on lies.

But don't worry. Oh,
they're big, strong lies.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How was basketball?

- Kind of intense today.
- Mmm...

I'm just feeling so romantic
with our anniversary coming up,

and I think that maybe you should
put on our special necklace

and I should draw
you Titanic-style.

Oh!

It's a sinking ship.

- Did not see her there.
- Yeah, sorry about that.

You could've...

Anyway, hey, uh, baby,
that sounds so hot, but...

I'm having the necklace cleaned.

- Hmm.
- So...

you're just going to
have to draw me naked.

- Mmm...
- Okay?

- No, I think I'll wait.
- What?

Yeah, but that cleaning
is really going to make

that line of gold pop.

What? There wasn't a line of
gold in that stupid picture.

Ah, must've been on the other
side of the damn pebble.

Oh, yes, I love
that line of gold.

Oh, it looks just like...

- Jesus.
- A heart.

It looks just like a heart.

- You remember the...
- You didn't let me finish.

- All right.
- I was saying, "Jesus, I love that heart."

It is one in a million...
nay, a billion...

and I cannot wait to
see you in it again.

Wow, Big Papa D and the Jinx.

I assume the Jinx is for the
the bad luck of the listener.

Oh, come on!

I was listening to
"Blow, Man, Blow."

It sucks, man, sucks.

You guys, this is hopeless.

How am I supposed to find a rock

with a heart-shaped line on it?

Damn it, I wish I was as
sentimental as David is.

Then I'd know exactly
where this necklace is.

Wow, Big Papa D and the Jinx!

Okay, lay off, Griff.

No, no, look, check it out...
for real.

Oh, my God. Oh, that's right.

I gave a big box of stuff to
Gladys for her church yard sale.

Maybe she knows who
bought the necklace.

Oh, yes.

Hey, Gladys, hey.

Um, do you remember that box of
stuff I gave you a few months back?

Did you happen to find
a necklace in it?

Do you mean this one?

Yes! Okay, so, funny story...

You know, this necklace
is my good-luck charm.

Oh, that's sweet.

Last year, I was diagnosed
with the Big C.

- Oh, God.
- Then I got this, and it turned around.

Oh, but I'm sorry. What
was your funny story?

I could use a laugh these days.

Ah, you know what?

Never mind. Not that
funny after all.

Gladys has the Big C? Ugh,
can I ever catch a break?

Feels like hoop o'clock to me.

- Oh, hey, guys!
- Emet, wow!

You look beautiful, sweetheart.
Come here.

- Molto bene.
- Oh.

- Beautiful. Let's go.
- Yeah.

Um, hey, sweetie, did
the necklace come back?

I really wanted
to show the guys.

Oh, uh, sorry. It's
still being cleaned.

- Cleaned... uh, how kind.
- Wow.

Make it sparkle, sweetheart.

I will. Okay, see
you guys later.

Lying while your childrens
are in the house.

She's a sociopath.

Hey, we could work
this out on the court.

You know what, man? I don't
even want to play anymore.

- Oh...
- How about a milkshake?

That would be really helpful.
Thanks. Okay.

Milkshakes.

Anybody?

Nope.

- Hey, Mom.
- Hold on. I'm just about to learn

Patricia Clarkson's
number-one antiaging secret.

Oh. It's "living in the moment."

- What's up?
- Okay, so...

you know how I tend to not
acknowledge sentimental things

because I'm your daughter and
we share the same black heart?

- Go on.
- Well, you're right.

I am screwed because I don't
have that necklace after all.

Oh, Emet.

I'm concerned, deeply concerned.

- Thank you.
- Not for you, for me.

- Okay.
- You can't ruin your marriage.

I'm too old to start again
with another son-in-law.

I'm used to this bozo now.

The worst part is I know
exactly where it is,

but I can't get it back.

Nonsense, there's always a way.

No, there isn't... I gave
it to Gladys at work,

and it's the only thing that
got her through the Big C.

Not a person in the world who's
cold enough to take it back

from her after that.

- That's what you think.
- Go on.

Oh, hi, Gladys. Hi.
Fancy seeing you here.

This is my mom, Maya.

It's so nice to meet you. I'm
sorry my grip is so weak.

You see, I am not well.

At least with one kidney,

there's less weight for me to
carry around on these legs.

Oh, I understand. I have
health problems myself.

- The Big C.
- Oh.

Yeah, but, you know, since
you beat it and all,

I just had a crazy idea.

I wonder if your necklace
might help my mom.

Oh, I understand.

- Thank you.
- But, no.

- What?
- I can't take this off.

It's almost completely
cleared up my colitis.

- What?
- Huh?

I thought you said
you had the Big C.

Yes, the Big C... colitis.

- No, the Big C is cancer.
- Cancer?

- Yes.
- I don't have that.

- She does.
- Oh!

- Sorry. Good luck.
- Oh.

Did you guys hear that?

- She misrepresented the Big C.
- We heard.

I don't know if you're willing to
take a different approach on this,

but I can, uh, undo the
clasp on any woman.

That's right... I practice on jewelry
to get ready for bras, so...

- Who's this disgusting man?
- Don't worry about it.

Yeah, Griff, do it. Go, go, go.

- Now?
- Now!

Uh, well, I'm Chewey,

and it's a real
pleasure to meet you.

A Brit. Your people and
my people have a beef

that goes way back.

Yes, um, sorry about all that.

Uh, scone?

Ta-ding!

Oh, Griff, you creepy
artful dodger!

Oh, thank you. Oh. Ah...

Griff, did you unclasp my bra?

Yeah, I was just all
warmed up on the necklace.

- I mean...
- That's disgusting.

Mom, we got to go.

Necklace found.
Mission accomplished.

Husband happy.

Draw me like one of
your French girls.

You are wearing the necklace.

Um, yeah. Of course I am.

Did you think I lost
it or something?

Well, you know, this little
voice inside my head,

and a very heavily accented
Brooklyn voice outside my head,

kind of messed with me, but...

- Oh, I love you.
- I love you.

Okay, do you want to see the
cutest thing in the world?

- Yeah.
- The kids are writing

a play for our anniversary.

They told us not to spy on them.

- Oh, my God. That is too sweet.
- Mmmm.

- Okay, let's go spy on them.
- Yeah.

Emet, it's our beach-aversary.

I made you a necklace 'cause
that was the day I knew

that I was in love with you.

I have been, too, David.

- Weird, but cute.
- Yeah.

But I'm not sure
you're right for me.

What is she talking about?

Cut, pause. Hold up.

Does that feel like
what Mom should say?

Yeah, I mean, it's exactly
what she wrote in her journal.

- See?
- No. What? No.

- In your journal? No, no.
- Wait, wait. No.

- Uh, can I have that?
- Hi. Shoop!

"He was so excited about
giving me this rock necklace.

"Was a little lame. I hope he's
not one of those super-emo guys

who eventually gets womanly
hips in his middle age."

And you haven't.

Well, here we are at
our anniversary party.

_

Our kids are acting out
our beautiful love story,

and my husband is acting like he
might never talk to me again,

and I guess I deserve it.

Emet, it's August 14th,
the day of our wedding.

I can't believe how
much weddings cost.

Will you marry me?

Why is it so hot in August?

I'm sweating through
my underwear.

Yes, I will marry you.

Wow, I really should've
taken my journals back.

Yeah, what, you're not
enjoying reliving

what must have been one of the
most emo days of your life?

Okay, David, you can't hold me
to stuff I wrote in my 20s.

- That girl was dumb!
- Yeah, so dumb.

She even changed her name
to Stefahni for a year!

Yeah, that's true.

Look, that Emet wasn't mature enough
to appreciate your sentimentality.

- But this one does.
- Okay, quiet.

Emet, to celebrate our
first anniversary,

I will release 50 doves.

And you never
appreciated the doves.

Ah! Give me drugs!
Give me drugs!

Get this thing out of me!

That's actually pretty accurate.

She's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

Let's name her Lily Elizabeth.

- I can't stop smiling.
- Yeah, okay, that...

It's bull. You didn't smile.

You told me to stop crying
and get you some ice.

- Hey, don't yell at my wife!
- Hey, the play is inaccurate!

Okay, you know what?
It's wonderful.

- What?
- God!

Honey? Thanks, everyone.
Honey? Honey!

Please just listen to me.
I'm so sorry.

- Stop it. No, no, no.
- Honey.

Honey, listen to me!
I am sorry, okay?

I did not mean to hurt you.
Just tell me how to fix this.

- You want me to do that grapefruit thing?
- No, no.

Do not tempt me with
citrus erotica.

- Maybe you can't fix this.
- Okay.

Maybe we are just two
different people.

- David...
- You know what?

I will ride this party out...

and then I'm going to go to a hotel...
by myself.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

No, actually, you know what?

- What?
- With my boys!

Oh, yeah. Hey, Josh and Kevin!

All right, we're going to a hotel...
anniversary after-party.

- Yo.
- Whoa.

Hey, uh, sorry we're late...
it's just, like, you know,

- we weren't going to come.
- Yeah, Norman made us.

We had to return
Emet's box here.

Heads-up, it's either full
of, like, loose peppercorns,

or it's probably,
like, a rat's toilet.

We had to throw a
lot of stuff out.

But we saved a bunch of stuff
that you wanted to keep,

and it is all yours, Big Papa D.

Oh, yeah, big fan, by the way.

Thanks, guys. I'm surprised
she kept anything, you know.

I mean, what makes Emet's cut?

Let's see.

Oh, wow.

I made the cut. It's
a sketch of me.

Um...

It's kind of a
weird thing to say

about a drawing of yourself,
but that's amazing.

She...

- Excuse me.
- You're welcome.

Thank you so much.

Hey, um...

can you tell me what this is?

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

I drew you for my art
class final in college.

Okay, you never told me that.

I, um... I did it that night

that you were super sick and
we were in my studio apartment

with, like, zero heat.

I remember I held back your
ponytail while you threw up,

and then we'd
snuggle in between,

which was very gross...
you were very clammy.

- Yeah.
- Then when you finally passed out...

I couldn't stop thinking
about how much I loved you.

So I drew this.

I guess that's the night I knew.

So we kind of have
a sketch-aversary.

Okay, sure. Yes, we do.

- I love that.
- Oh, God.

Look, honey, I'm so sorry

for what I said about the
necklace in my journals, okay?

And your hips.

I don't care about that...
I was just worried that

you don't have the same passion
for me that I have for you.

Oh, come on. Of course I do.

Look, David, I'm never
going to be the girl

that releases 50 doves, okay?

Mainly because they
carry encephalitis.

But...

I feel 50 doves in
my heart for you.

And, God, that has got
to be corny enough

- to count for something.
- I'll take it.

Good, 'cause it's all I've got.

Ah, this is worse
than when I walked in

on my grandma showering and
the door locked behind me.

We're going to go.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Oh, by the way, the gift
was from all of us.

- The...
- Art that I drew?

- Yep, you're welcome.
- Okay.

Maybe I'm not as sentimental
as David, but I do care.

It's just I realize that he
focuses on the grand gestures

and I focus on the
little moments

that shouldn't mean
anything but do.

Oh, God, now I'm gonna puke.

Hey, you guys, come
here for one sec.

Lily, I'm really sorry
I yelled at you.

I mean, in my defense, you were
pretending to be your mother.

So you guys are not
getting a divorce?

- What? No.
- No. Oh, my gosh.

Of course we're not.

Yes, our plan worked.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Oh, good news.

Daddy's coming back from
his trip one day early.

Well, Mother, of course he is.

You didn't answer
his phone calls.

He probably thinks you're pinned
under a bookcase somewhere.

I was playing hard to get.

Tonight when he comes back,
I'll be extremely easy to get.

Oh! Dunka, dunka, dunka,
dunka, dunka, dunka.

Dunka, dunka, dunka,
dunka, dunka, dunka.

Where the hell is that Uber?

Just cancel it. We'll walk.

Yeah, we need to leave
this geriatric orgy. Bye.

Good-bye. Bye, strange people.

Dunka, dunka, dunka,
dunka, dunka, dunka.