I Feel Bad (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - I'm Vain A.F. - full transcript

It's hard to feel great
about how you look.

But even after three kids and a
stressful-ass job, I feel pretty good.

Oh! I almost forgot,
beta, I got you a gift.

Oh, that's nice. Thanks, Mom.

Anti-aging serum
for dry, dull skin

by Susan Sarandon. Really?

Only I love you enough to
tell you that your face

is beginning to look like
your father's elbow.

Bye!

That's my mom... she hones in
on your deepest insecurity

then walks away like
an action hero.



Good evening, Maya. As always,
thank you again for watching Jake.

Oh, if you really
want to thank me,

try gift cards, man. Kidding!

Oh! Oh!

A hug. Okay.

Sweet.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Your mother is not so bad.

What did you just say to me?

Wow. Whoa.

You know what? I'm so sorry.

It's just I was raised by her.

I'm just saying that we
are starting to connect.

She just gave me a hug.
I mean, it was awkward



and her arms were kinda
dance-y, but it was nice.

Oh, you sweet, unsuspecting man.

That wasn't a hug.
It was a "Fat Pat."

It's how my mom checks if
someone's gained weight.

David would be so embarrassed
to know he's put on a few.

And I'm not gonna be
the one to tell him.

I'll celebrate this mother-in-law
milestone with a milkshake.

Okay, you do that, sweetie.

I see this man naked. He
hasn't put on that much... oh!

Little more dough in the bro.

David's gaining weight.
I'm getting wrinkles.

Ugh. I hate when
my mom is right.

I wonder if they can suck
something out of him

and inject it into
my laugh lines.

♪

♪ - _

So my mom got me wrinkle cream.

I won't let her get into my head...
David's either.

I'm not gonna tell him
about the Fat Pat.

He's way too sensitive.

I'm gonna be
body-positive today.

Oh, my God!

What the is that picture
doing the up there?

Nasty.

Don't blame us. They used it on this
year's "GamePunch" launch party invite.

Yeah, have a slice
of chill pie, okay?

We're not just laughing at you.
We're laughing at David, too.

Yeah.

I had to hide that picture
from him for a year.

If he sees that, he will spiral.

My husband's vain too.
David's way of dealing

with being over 40
is complete denial.

The other day, I caught him on
Amazon looking at skateboards.

Not me! Don't use Amazon, and
I've never taken a bad picture.

You just gotta know
your angles, bitches.

There was no good
angle then, bitch.

That was taken right
after I had Jake.

David gained 30 pounds,
I was getting no sleep,

my hair was somehow
greasy and dry,

and I was just
shoveling food down

because my body was trying to
feed the baby it had made.

- Ooh, yucky.
- Yeah.

It's not yucky, it's life.

Like any of you can do something
that amazing with your bodies.

Beg to differ. I can do this:

♪

Those noises are
coming from his mouth!

That's incredible!

The human body is amazing.

Okay, I kept a baby alive,

but yeah, actually,
that was pretty dope.

Okay, you know what? The launch party
is gonna be our power couple moment.

This year, Dave and I are gonna take the
hottest picture instead of looking like

the human rubble left
after having kids.

Bam.

You guys just wanna listen to
Griff beatbox again, don't you?

- It's all I can think about.
- Yes, please.

It really is a miracle!

I can't believe
the whole company

saw that terrible picture.
David would be mortified too.

I've made my appointments:
mani-pedi, facial, color, wax.

Now how do I gently tell my husband
he also has some work to do?

Oh, mama! I combined
two lasagna recipes

for seven layers of zestiness!

Dear God.

Oh, hey, babe, I have an idea.

- What?
- Do you know the kids

could eat off of
that for three days

if you and I don't have any and
just have that beautiful salad?

The kids? Mm-mm.

This is a man's lasagna,
and she is wearing

$30 worth of bubbly cheese.
And, I am going to

undress her with my mouth.

I'm right here.

Looks like your matzo
ball of a husband

is getting a little
junk in the butt.

You gotta train your man.

- Mom.
- Well!

Hello! who is this
ravishing Italian beauty?

Hey!

I'll just enjoy your homely,
funny friend, salad instead.

See? You nip it in the butt before
there's too much butt to nip.

Okay, Mom, that is so
controlling and not who I am.

David can make his own healthy,
responsible choices...

You ready for this?

Oh...

yes.

Hey, hey! Babe, babe.
Are you sure this is

- a healthy relationship?
- What are you trying to say?

I don't wanna hurt my husband.

I love him.

Plus, when he's
hurt, he eats more.

Nothing. Nothing,
no, no, I was like,

"When are you gonna
let a lady in on

this threesome action here?"
You know what I mean?

- Oh, oh!
- Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna

- have some!
- Well, I'm gonna

- get some plates then.
- Okay! Back it up.

- Backing it up.
- Back it up, back it up.

Get away from my man,
you saucy bitch.

No!

Sorry, it just slipped. Salad?

Weird chair, hemorrhoid cream...

Okay, shouldn't you
be working from home?

Or the loo?

Okay, the yoga ball
is for my core,

and the cream is
for my puffy eyes.

Just shut up and let me live.

Hey Emet, don't forget
you're giving a speech

to my mentees at
the launch party.

They've raised a lot of
money to make the trip,

and they're super excited.

I'm so excited too. I love encouraging
young women who want to work in tech.

Girls need a strong,
smart, stable role model.

You know that's
ass cream, right?

Huh? Yeah. Hey, oh!
Speaking of ass,

how do I tell my husband
he's getting a mom butt?

- Uh-oh.
- That is a no-win situation.

I mean, if you don't
tell him, then he

waddles down this chubby path.

If you do tell him, then he
recoils every time you touch him.

That's what it's like
with me and Mother.

I had this plan in college.

I kinda realized I
couldn't get a nine,

but I could get a 6 and
secretly turn her into

a 9 without her ever knowing it

by gaslighting her
into fixing her flaws.

I called it my 6-to-9 plan.

- That is horrific.
- He's German.

Hey, judge me all you want, but
without David ever knowing it,

you could get him to eat
healthy and exercise, so...

Okay, I'm listening.

Do I feel guilty about using Griff's
awful but brilliant plan? Yes.

But this way, I could
turn everyday activities

into exercise and spare David's
feelings at the same time.

- Oh hey, honey?
- Mm-hmm?

Could you take out the garbage?

Come on, take the
bait, take the bait.

Oh! Jesus, these are heavy.

What, did you finally
snap and cut up your mom?

Oh, God, that's funny!

Watch your back and
use your glutes.

I was gonna look younger, and
David was gonna look thinner

in that party picture.

Who's getting hurt here?

Louie's hurt! Louie took a fall.

Okay, okay. You're
gonna be okay.

- Ah...
- I'm gonna get some ice.

Dad had to carry me
from Sycamore Street.

Carrying poor, hurt Louie...
yeah right.

Dad just got his cardio in.

Call me anytime.

I even got Lily
to convince David

he had to learn some moves if
he wanted to be a cool dad.

Caroline's dad is amazing at it!

- Oh, yeah?
- Bye, jelly-belly.

- Yeah...
- And this way. In a circle.

♪ Live it up, live it up ♪

♪ Live it up, live
it up, live it up ♪

♪ Live it up, live it up ♪

♪ Live it up, live
it up, live it up ♪

- Keep going!
- Okay! Okay!

- You've got this! Keep going!
- Okay!

- Am I supposed to see stars?
- Uh-huh.

Ooh, you got pictures
of Lara Croft and Emet.

That's a sad spank bank, man.

No, Norman's asked me
to make a presentation

for his mentees on
female role models.

What? Emet and Chewey are
helping out with your mentees?

What is this, all hands on deck,
except for Griff's hands?

What's wrong with Griff's hands?

They are attached to
a vile misogynist.

I resent that. I have
a lot to teach them.

I'm actually a
champion of chicks.

Griff! You woman-hating genius.

- Oh!
- Yeah!

Yes! Your 6-to-9 plan
is totally working.

You did Griff's 6-to-9 plan?

The first time he told me
about that, I threw up.

But I'm just doing it to help
David without shattering his ego.

Once we get that
perfect party picture,

I'm totally done tricking him.

Actually, we have a wedding in
June, so maybe I'm done then.

Okay, anyway. Sex tonight!
It's good.

It's a lifestyle.

Welcome back, SoulCycle.

Yeah. Had to take
the three speed.

Emet's car wouldn't start, so
she took mine, blah blah blah.

I have to say, I prefer
the direct approach

my wife takes to keeping
the jelly off my belly.

What?

Come on, you haven't
figured it out, big boy?

Emet's got you on a
secret weight loss plan.

What?

You should have had a clue when
Maya gave you that Fat Pat.

Fat Pat?

It's a hug she gives you to check
if and where you've put on weight.

I thought that hug
meant something.

I called my mother
about that hug.

Emet knew about this?

Hello, boys.

Your hug was a lie!

And I thought that we
were getting closer.

We were getting closer, beta.

You were expanding towards me.

Hey, sweetie!

Can you just help me
with the diaper...

Oh no, I'm caught, aren't I?

- Diaper bag, hmm?
- Oh...

Unbelievable! How could you?

Okay. Well, enjoy your marriage!

Mm-hmm.

So you agree with your mother...
Instead of coming and talking to me,

you resort to tricks?

Okay David, listen to me.

I know that's how it looks,
because that is what I did.

But I was just trying
to spare your feelings.

- Okay? Look, I was bummed...
- Oh!

About that bad picture, and I just
wanted a good picture of us this year.

Do you know how this feels? I'm
being judged solely on how I look.

Do I know how it feels?
Yeah, David, I'm a woman!

You've questioned your looks
for like six seconds.

I've been doing it since
Barbie went to the beach.

The whole world is a
Fat Pat for a woman.

Do you know that there is a
Spanx store at the airport?

Doesn't matter
where we're going,

- we just have to get there thin!
- And I've noticed

they're always next to
a Wetzel's Pretzels,

- which is kinda mixed messagey.
- And, yes, okay?

I tricked you, but
only because I know

how awful it feels to have
someone point out your flaws.

So, you know what?
You're welcome.

Because now, we won't
go to that party

looking like Shrek and
Fiona like last year.

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

Oh my God!

Okay, we're gonna get
you that good picture.

- Thank you!
- That has to go.

Oh, I love you! Come here.

- Five squats.
- Okay.

Norman, you can't keep me
away from your little girls.

Sorry, Karen. Work stuff.

Griff, why does
this matter to you?

'Cause I like to win, okay?

Anyway, it doesn't really
matter, because somebody

special heard me beatboxing
in the men's room

and asked me to DJ
the launch party.

Oh! Ha ha. I'm gonna
address those mentees.

And it's gonna be through music.

Griff, if wanna
help those girls,

stop making this about you.

Yeah, see by removing yourself,

you're doing what's
right for the children.

Or at least that's what
my dad said when he left.

Karen, will you
just pick a yogurt?

I like yogurt. Yogurt.

You know what yogurt
means, right?

She's ovulating.

You are just nothing
but red flags.

Hey, since we're already
sweaty, do you wanna

send your parents home
and take your husband's

new body out for a joyride?

Yeah, I can get into that.

Oh, yes.

Oh, stop tonguing, sickos.

And give Daddy some of that green slop.
He needs it.

All right. May the
force be with you.

Wowee! That is potent.

Both: Mm-hmm.

And fast.

Oh... that is TMI.

Whoo! All right,
home stretch day.

I'm getting waxed, wrapped,
peeled, scraped, moisturized,

and spat on... that's just
'cause the facialist has a lisp.

Sweetie, do you think I
need any of that stuff?

Sweetie, stop.
You're doing great.

No, no, no. Don't coddle me.

Society doesn't coddle you.

See, I listen to you.
Give it to me.

Come on, hit me.

- All right.
- Yeah.

Your forehead's shiny, and
you're getting Muppet eyebrows.

- Don't look at me!
- I'll call my people.

♪

- Mm...
- Mmm!

Babe, I really appreciate
you doing this.

Now you understand what I
go through all the time.

I love you.

Mmm...

See? That is why I want you
to come and live with me.

♪

Uh-uh-uh!

Hey, honey, I'm gonna do
one last apricot scrub,

really try to beat back
this forehead shine.

Oh!

Door! Door!

Why you are eating cake in a room
made for the opposite of eating?

Maya wants me to
eat healthy, okay?

And I'm fine with that.

I want to live as
long as possible.

But, I also want
to enjoy my life.

So I had to find a balance.

And that balance is toilet cake.

- Oh.
- So, shhhh.

David and I had been working
on ourselves for weeks,

and now it's time to party.

♪

No fair. Dad gets to
wear makeup and I don't?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

It's bronzer.

I know I started this, but
I'm begging you, change.

You've gone too far.

- Okay...
- I feel good.

Yeah, not gonna happen.

Wow. You guys look great.
Absolutely rrr-avishing.

Thanks, bro.

You know what?

You can stay up as
late as you want.

- I like it.
- 'Kay?

'Night.

Pretty sure that valet
guy was super into me.

Same, 'cause we sexy like that.

We are sexy like that.

Oh, wait, am I the only one
in the room with cleavage?

♪

Is it possible we over-shot it?

Wow, guys.

- Hey!
- This is so funny.

Sorry, explain it to me.

You two look insane because...

You mean we look hot?

You look like if
Miami was a person.

Ugh... yes, yes, we do.
And we need to go

before they get another
picture of us.

One that makes us look
like shallow idiots.

- We look hot.
- You can't leave.

The girls I'm
mentoring are here,

and you're supposed
to talk to them.

Also, a journalist
from "Recode" is here,

and she's covering
the whole thing.

Ahh. Okay, I did not know that.

I look forward to
speaking with them.

Oh, come on!

It's okay, it's okay.

I just... I don't wanna send the
wrong message to these girls.

You know what, you look great.

I can fix it! I can fix it!

Okay, whoa! Really?

Yeah, right here.
Okay, hold that.

I am still gonna be an
empowered role model

and maybe even get
my perfect picture.

I do not like how
much I like these.

- David.
- Sorry. Look, I think

that you are
overreacting, we do not

look as bad as you
think you we do...

No, seriously, look
around and we...

- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah!

Yup. Okay, I see it now. I
completely over-douched.

We both did. Give me
your reading glasses!

Okay.

Do I look smarter?

Uh... no. You look like the
beginning of library porn.

Which, you know... not so bad.

Are you ready? I can't stall
that reporter any longer.

Yeah, I'm ready. Ready to inspire the
next generation of auto-show models.

Ah! Okay, all right!
New plan, forget it.

New plan! Putting it all back in

and pretending it is a
feminist lesson. Boom!

Let's go.

Go get 'em, I think.

Okay.

And sweetie, you forgot
your big, fake boobs!

Karen, lovely to see you again.

I thought for a long time
about the perfect thing

to say to you young women.

But then, I realized
words aren't enough,

so I went with this.

And what is "this" saying?

Hmm? What? What? What? What?

Ahhh-ha-haaaa!

It is saying

you do not have to
dress like this

to get ahead.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, we know that.

Can you give us a
better insight?

'Cause we sold candy bars in some
really sketchy places to be here.

I saw a guy get knifed.

Umm... quick reminder that
reporter is live-tweeting

all of this, so please tell me that
you have something else to say.

I do... yeah.

Just give me a second.

Oh, God, I'm blowing this.

I'm supposed to be a role model,

an accomplished woman that
these girls can look up to.

Okay, powerful statement
coming in three, two... nope.

Oooh! Okay, okay, okay, fine!

Last year, I took
an awful picture,

and the guys at work
made fun of me, okay?

And I just wanted a
good one this year.

And yes, I care about being
an accomplished woman.

But I also care
about how I look,

and I just don't think that I
should have to feel bad about that.

I feel you. Someone got a picture of
me picking corn out of my braces,

and now I'm a "Mondays
be like..." meme.

My eyebrows got burnt off
when I was covering a fire.

I looked like Lex Luthor in a
dress in all my wedding pictures.

I am so sorry. So sorry.

Oh, just... thank you
for understanding.

Oh! Aww, let's hug.

Okay, what you're all feeling
are full-body Spanx.

- I just have to ask.
- Yes.

Did someone here make you feel
like you had to dress like this?

Actually, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That guy, mustache.

Okay, he didn't. But it's Griff.

So, I'm okay with
whatever happens next.

Oh, hey! What's up little ladies?
Any requests?

You're revolting! Men like you are
the reason we're changing the world.

We're gonna run this
company one day.

So you better get used to it!

Huh. See that? I knew I had something
to contribute to your mentees, Norman.

Without guys like me, there
is no women's movement.

I'm like... I inspire them.
I'm the hero,

because I'm the villain. Yeah!

- Wow, that guy is incredible...
- Horrific.

- Horrific.
- Horrific.

- Oh...
- Why were we

so hard on ourselves back then?

Look at my skin.
I wanna lick it.

I did, and it was great.

Oh... look at that
handsome schmuck.

He probably could have
gotten any girl he wanted...

I mean, that girl was you.

And so, he did.

- You know what's sad?
- Hmm?

Right now's the best
we'll ever look.

I disagree with...

Whoa!

You're right, we're not
turning this thing around.

We're on a luge to death.

Maybe that's why we
got so carried away.

But you know what? As long
as we're into each other,

we're good. Although, one
more of those demon burps,

and this house of cards tumbles.

It's not good.

Well, if I have to get old,

I am glad that I get
to do it with you.

Let's just be honest
with each other, please?

No more Fat Pats, no
secret bathroom eating.

Oh... toilet cake?

I mean, where does
the cake come from?

Does he sneak it in there?

Or does he store the
cake in the bathroom?

Some mysteries are never
meant to be solved.

♪ I got a happy,
happy hangover ♪

♪

You had to put it up.

We're sorry you didn't
get the perfect photo,

but you do look like a
very capable woman.

Capable of guarding a bridge.

Okay, you know what?
Shut up, Griff.

I don't care what you
think, 'cause someday

20 years from now when
I see that picture

I'm gonna think:
"Damn, I was hot."

Yeah. That's the way to
look at it, old girl.

Harvard.

I know you'll never admit it, but I know
you care about me and I care about you.

So I'm actually gonna
give you a sincere hug.

Here it comes.

You're a good man, man.

Well...

Oh.

Good night. Well, hey.

Did you see that?

- I did.
- Did you see the hair tousle?

She thinks you're going bald.