I Feel Bad (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - My Kid Has to Grow Up - full transcript

I love taking the
kids to the mall.

There's something for everyone.

Mama likes to get
her samples on.

Just taking some for a friend.

Thank you.

Lily likes getting sucked
in by the kiosk carneys.

And there's one little guy

who just loves going
on the kiddie rides.

Sadly, it's not this little guy.

It's that one.

Lately, every time
we come to the mall,



Louie insists on riding the kiddie
rides with the four-year-olds.

But you know what?

I'd never be embarrassed
by my own child.

Your kid still likes
the baby rides, huh?

That's not my kid. Nope.

Yep, another great day at
the mall with my two kids.

♪

♪ - _

Babe, do you think
Louie's immature?

'Cause I'm thinking maybe
we coddle him too much.

What? We do not coddle him.

I don't know, I mean, we help
him dress in the morning,

he still gets
special kid's food,

and he still needs a
Cheerio in the toilet bowl



to know where to aim.

Okay, remember what happened
when we took the Cheerio away?

Soaked the hand towels.

He somehow peed behind himself.

All the more reason

that he needs to grow up
and do stuff for himself.

What nonsense are you talking?

Louie is such a
sweet, innocent boy.

Why do you want to rush him

to grow into a
disgusting pervert man

with hair and sounds?

I mean, so he can
pee without cereal.

Is that so much to ask?

You know, actually,
Mommy's right.

Let Louie be young.

Childhood goes by so fast.

Mine was such fun,

until I saw that woman get
hit by the rickshaw scooter.

Oh, God, that's terr...

Not finished.

She ricocheted onto
the railway track.

They tried to pull her out,

but the train was
coming too fast.

Bing, bang, boom,
childhood over.

Ooh, come to papa.

I hate it when my family
doesn't just agree with me.

But maybe I was
stressing over nothing.

Also, someday, my
dad needs therapy.

Gin.

Hey.

When you were kids,

when did your mom
stop coddling you?

Oh, well, my mum used to
let me sleep in her bed

until I was a teenager.

Even now, whenever I
go home for a visit,

we have a little cuddle.

Sorry, did you say
"cuddle" or "coddle"?

It just became irrelevant.

Well, my mom did not
coddle me, mm-mm.

No, she's actually
pretty strict.

Yeah, she loads up my debit card

and if I spend all that,

ooh, it is too bad
until next week.

That's not strict.

Mm-mm, that boy ain't right.

Bye, Mom, bye, Mama.

I love each of you the most.

- Aw.
- Bye, catch you two later.

I love you more, I do.

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Okay, I don't even need
to ask you, Norman.

You talk to your
moms way too often.

For your information,

I talk to them once a day.

But sometimes for ten hours.

So your iPad is essentially
a baby monitor?

Are these highly personal
questions leading to a point?

Yes, if I don't stop
coddling Louie,

he's going to turn into
some sort of adult baby man

like you guys.

I haven't worn a diaper
since Coachella.

Yeah, I'm not a baby.

You're a baby.

I am green.

Oh, God.

I couldn't let Louie
turn into them.

I knew what I needed to do.

David and I embarked on
Operation Grow Louie the Eff Up

So He Doesn't Become an Eff Up.

Our plan was simple:

Bribe Louie with cash to get
him to do what we want.

I like baths!

It's like swimming
without all the sun!

Time to graduate to
a big boy shower.

Text me if you need help!

Agh!

♪

Mission accomplished.

Hey.

Nice work, buddy.

Good boy. Boom.

I didn't get paid to grow up.

The gender pay gap starts young.

Welcome to my world, sunshine.

That's ugly. Wow,
he missed a spot.

Yeah, no, I'll get it.

Our next task was making Louie
dress himself for school.

Oh, no.

Lou, wow.

Oh, honey, he looks
just like Lily Tomlin.

Please let me make
some adjustments.

Nope, nope, no, no, no, no.

♪

BRB, gotta hit the boys' room.

Please don't pee on the seat.

I think I should give
him one last Cheerio.

Think of the hand towels.

It did not go well.

No one said it would be easy.

Keep 'em coming.

♪

Oh, mother!

I just sat in quite
a bit of urine.

Okay, honey, I believe in you.

No training wheels.

Come on, you got this.

You got it.

- Yes. Yep.
- Oh yeah.

- Yep!
- Oh, we're doing it!

Yeah! Yes!

- He's doing it!
- Yes, yes!

- He's doing it!
- Yeah!

Whoa!

Oh, no.

Well, almost did it.

- Oh.
- Almost.

Little did I know,

Operation Grow the Eff Up

would inspire these eff
ups to do the same thing.

Do you guys think Emet's right?

- Are we adult babies?
- I hope not.

There's nothing sexy about
being an adult baby,

apart from some rather
unsavory porn sites.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe our dependence on our moms

is why we can't sustain mature
relationships with women.

Dude, if my mom is the reason I'm not
getting laid, then who needs her?

So what do we do?

Mom cleanse.

No moms for a week.

Hmm.

Yeah, I can do that.

I can quit anything for a week.

Except for my meds.

Yeah, I have to
taper those slowly.

Otherwise I'll just end up

accidentally driving my
car into another Denny's.

I love Denny's.

Finally, two weeks
and $47 later...

Yes!

Success!

- Yes!
- Aw!

That is my child!

Grown up chicken for one.

Ah, smells divine.

Why did I ever need
you in nugget form?

♪

Bullseye!

And just like that,
no more pee Cheerios.

Okay, Louie.

One of the perks of
being a grown up

is you get to spend your money
on anything you want, okay?

Just not guns.

Okay, sweetie?

Don't buy anything that could
put me in the news, okay?

- Thanks.
- Go get 'em.

♪

Aw.

Our little boy's
buying a baseball cap!

Well, I know you love that.

Hey, why is he getting
all those quarters?

- Wait.
- What's happening?

What?

There he goes.

Are you kidding me?

I thought we were
making progress.

Is he ever gonna grow up?

Oh. I think he has.

♪

Oh, no. No, I don't
like this at all.

Oh, my God.

How did I never notice
what Louie was looking at?

It's not the kiddie
ride he likes.

It's the big boy view.

He is riding that Mr.
Caterpillar

right into puberty.

I want my dollars back.

I thought Louie had to grow up.

But apparently
that's happening..

So now we better
hurry and catch up.

That little guy is
ready for boobies?

How could I miss this?

Okay, he did wear
a cape to school.

It would throw anyone off.

Yes!

He's such a baby.

But he's also horny.
He's a horny baby.

Okay, let's just make sure that we
actually saw what we think we saw.

- Okay.
- Okay?

But let's be super cool
and chill about it

so we don't freak him out.

Dude.

Hey, buddy.

- Hey.
- Um, so.

Mom and I....

We, well, we think we know why

you've been riding Mr.
Caterpillar at the mall so much.

Yeah. NBD, no big whoop,

but, uh,

maybe you're just

trying to get a little look-see

at the ladies' underwear store?

I'm sorry. I'm so so...

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh wait, no, no, no.

You're not in trouble.

- Okay?
- Whew, okay.

And we are just, like,

cool and chill people.

- Yes!
- Super chill.

No, you have nothing
to be ashamed about.

Really?

- No.
- Totes.

Listen, you are just
getting to that age

where you're starting
to realize that

girls have different
bodies than boys.

Maybe you were just trying
to get a look at her...

- Bra.
- Oh, God.

My baby just said "bra."

Good, good, good,
that's what I thought,

that's what I thought.

Cool, cool, cool.
Tight, tight, tight.

- Yep.
- That's... fine.

Tot... it's... look.

It is totally natural
to be curious.

I mean, if you think about it,

the bra... is like the
shoes of the chest.

Whereas, like, your underwear
would be the shoe of your...

Okay, you know what I think?

I think maybe that
your dad and I

just need a quick second to talk

- Talk.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Just a minute.
- Just us.

Okay, that's fine.

You can circle back
with me later.

Okay, we'll do that.

We'll just have our
people call your people.

We'll interface later.

Oh. That is a good outfit.

I wouldn't mind taking
that off of you

and then doing things with you.

Oh, thank you. I got
it at the store that

- turns your son on.
- Yah! Kay.

Oh, God. David, what
are we gonna do?

How are we gonna give
a sex talk to a kid

that thinks "Monsters,
Inc." is a scary movie?

Yeah, okay, so it's happening

earlier than we thought
it was gonna happen.

But Louie's growing up.
That is...

kinda cool.

My mom never even
gave me a sex talk.

She just threw a bunch
of pamphlets on my bed

from the Baptist church
telling me about

how God was watching
me masturbate.

Hmm.

We're not even Baptist.

You know what I'm not
gonna teach him?

- Is to be ashamed.
- Right.

Louie's gonna grow up
differently than I did.

Mm-hmm.

So I guess it's time
for my sex talk.

Or should I say... my sex song?

Oh, that's on the table. Cool.

You know what?

I can mold Louie before
society gets to him.

I'm gonna make sure
we raise a woke son.

I'm gonna take him
to work tomorrow

and I'm gonna show him
that women are smart,

creative, and more than
something to just...

put a bra on.

Okay, sweetie, remember.

Girls are capable,

creative, and have
feelings, okay?

Many of them are artists

and bosses, just like your mama.

We are not just something
for boys to look at.

- Even her?
- Oh.

Come on, Xandra,
help a sister out.

I'm supposed to be molding him.

Yes, even her, okay?

Sure, she is... very curvy,
but that doesn't define her.

Did you know she formulated the
antidote to a zombie virus

and is now president of the
apocalyptic transitional government?

A democracy, I might add. Ahem.

She is complex and capable

and deserves to be
treated with respect.

Wow. I never knew all that.

- What a lady.
- Yeah.

- Hey!
- What's up?

Oh, go away, pig man.

- You will not ruin this for me.
- Whoa, okay.

Pig man has nothing but
respect for women.

And I agree about Xandra.

Mad props to a busy lady who
finds time to keep it tight.

- Just like my mom.
- Okay.

Women contribute a lot
to the world, Louie.

Like, when no one wants to
produce your one-man show,

they give you five grand because
you're their little fuzzy-face.

God, I miss my moms.

Okay, maybe not five grand.

So remember, lad.

Women, they aren't
our equals, okay?

They're much better.

And what do they get
to show for it, eh?

I'll tell you what.

A husband who vanishes into
the Scottish Highlands

and a son who needs to be
cleansed of her very existence.

Wow.

Tickling the old six-string.

Uh, noodlin' on a
new jam for Louie.

Trying to help him out.

Sweet.

Lay it on me, Ringo.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

All right.

♪ Sometimes you get a feeling ♪

♪ Deep inside your jeans ♪

♪ That is when your father ♪

♪ Will come tell you
what it means ♪

♪ That's an erection ♪

♪ That's an erection ♪

♪ That's an erection, my son ♪

I can't tell if you are a worse
guitar player or father.

♪ Sometimes I get a feeling ♪

♪ Deep inside my jeans ♪

Now that I've taught Louie
to be respectful to women,

the next step is a carefully worded
birds and the bees conversation.

You know what?

One day when you
get older, you'll

meet a girl that you
like and respect,

and you'll need to
know about the next...

big thing that Dad and
I need to tell you.

Are you talking about sex stuff?

'Cause I already know.

What?

How? Who told you? The internet?

Um, I'm not gonna tell you

'cause it seems like
you're gonna get mad.

Sweetie.

You can tell me anything.

I'm not gonna get mad.

Grandma told me.

Oh, cool, cool, cool.
Tight, tight, tight.

Hey, uh, when did Grandma
talk to you about that, Lou?

After she caught me looking
at the underwear store.

She told me I shouldn't do
that 'cause it's shameful

to look at the bra lady,
'cause she's a skank.

What?

Okay, Louie,

no woman is a skank.

But your grandma's a.

Completely inappropriate.
Over the line.

I was so worried about
society interfering

with Louie's growing
up, I forgot about

an even more
dangerous influence:

my parents.

You had no right to
brainwash our son.

We wanted Louie to grow up
with a healthy view of sex.

But you ruined that view.

And you built a skyscraper on a
foundation of shame and skanks.

And you had no right
to impose your

effed up view of
sex on the kids.

- That is our job.
- That's right!

I had to say something,

the way he was leering at that
dirty mannequin at the mall.

- Excuse me?
- What?

Why am I in trouble?

She is the one who did this.

I wanted the boy to learn
about sex the way that I did,

by watching two rascally
jackals make love in a ditch.

You know what?

Neither of you will
interfere again.

I will have my father
and son moment

and it will be beautiful,

and it will be poignant,

and it will be catchy as hell.

Yes.

Oh, my God, the erection song?

Yes.

Louie will pray to see
those ditch jackals.

David is right.

Anything you two have
to say about sex

is backwards and prudish.

My God, you didn't even
ever give me a sex talk!

I had to do it.

We'll go with that.

Mom, I don't think I've ever even
heard you say the word "penis."

Because...

"Penis" doesn't belong
in a woman's mouth.

Okie dokie.

♪ Here's some rules to know ♪

♪ You gotta take it slow ♪

♪ And remember that
her breast buds ♪

♪ Aren't your new best buds ♪

Both: ♪ Till she says yes, bud ♪

- Little pitchy.
- Okay.

Both: ♪ And no means no ♪

Hey, what are you guy...

♪ Nothing is too
weird to be tried ♪

Nothing, okay?

♪ In fact I am my
favorite ride ♪

- ♪ Sex is a ♪ - Both:
♪ Beautiful buffet ♪

♪ And anyone you love is okay ♪

Sing it with me, everybody.

All: ♪ And anyone you love ♪

♪ Is okay ♪

Love is love, babe.

Okay?

Good job.

Take it a little darker now.

♪ Chlamydia, chlamydia ♪

♪ Ooh, it's a pity-ya ♪

♪ What is this chlamydia? ♪

♪ Ooh, you got chlamydia ♪

David, I gotta say.

- Parenting isn't that hard.
- Right?

Yeah! The books make
you think it is,

but it isn't. We
could write a book.

You know, I don't know if
you're kidding right now,

but that's actually brilliant.

No, I'm serious.

I'm also just, like,
a skosh drunk.

Mm-hmm.

Mom, Dad?

I've been reflecting in my room,

and I needed to
double-check a few things.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

Anyone I love is okay, right?

- Honey, never be ashamed.
- Love is love is love.

And I can tell you
anything, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, gosh, yes.

- Absolutely.
- There's nothing off-limits

- in this family.
- That's right.

Okay. I'm in love with Georgina.

Okay.

- Georgina.
- Aw.

- Georgina.
- Sounds cute.

Congratulations.

Do we know this lucky
lady Georgina?

Yeah, she's the underwear
lady at the mall.

Wait.

Oh, my God.

Is he talking about
the mannequin?

Sorry, what now?

You named the mannequin?

Oh.

You should put that in
your parenting book.

No, not now. Not now.

I think I need to go
back to the mall.

I need to tell her how I feel.

I should go write
some stuff down.

I'll see you guys later.

- Oh, honey, maybe not.
- Okay.

- No, we'll talk in a bit.
- Oh.

♪ You thought you knew it all ♪

♪ Now your son's in
love with a doll ♪

Well-played.

Don't panic, just relax.

It says here, "Some kids
go through a period

"of expressing their
sexuality in unorthodox ways

to deal with growing up."

It's like a phase. It's like
when I was wearing kilts.

What? No.

That is. This is not a phase.

We have to shame him
out of this, so

find a book that tells
us how to do that

because my parents were right.

Hey, it says in this one

that if we play this wrong,

he could drive it underground

and then it becomes a fetish.

No!

I do not want him to grow up

and get a doll as a girlfriend

and then we have to pretend
to have conversations with it

at Thanksgiving.

Okay, we're not there yet.

We're not there yet. It's Louie.

This kinda makes sense, right?

I mean, he's a
sweet, sensitive boy

somewhere in between being
a child and puberty.

Of course he's gonna
find a childlike way

of expressing his sexuality.

I was kind of that kid.
I get it.

Oh, okay, so he gets
it from you, you perv.

No, that's not what I'm saying.

But I did spend one
very memorable summer

discovering myself with the
help of a Taco Bell cup

with... wait for it...

Jessica Rabbit on the side.

I squeezed that cup
till it cracked.

- And then I realized what?
- I don't know.

I had a crush on
Tova Rabinowitz,

and I was too shy
to talk to her.

I didn't want a
cup and a chalupa

and Jessica Rabbit.
I wanted Tova.

Okay. I hear what you're saying.

So let's drive our son
to Kenlo Heights Mall

so he can talk to a mannequin.

Guys, that's it. I miss my mum.

All right? I've shrunk
my favorite cardigan.

Look what happens
when I do my laundry.

I got so frustrated I just
sat outside a Denny's

revving my engine
for 45 minutes.

This has gone too far now, okay?

We need to call this
mum cleanse off.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
No, no, no, no.

We can't give up.

I can.

I love giving up.

It's my best thing.

- I can help you.
- Yes.

No, no, no.

Chewey, you shrunk
your cardigan,

but you did it all by yourself.

And Norman,

think of all the things
you've seen and done

without having to
FaceTime your moms.

I went outside.

You went... outside.

Me, I just sunk my life savings

into Mark Ruffalo's
cryptocurrency.

Yesterday, for half a second,

I was worth $4 million.

Today? Nothing.

But tomorrow, oof. Maybe.
Who knows?

The point is the mom
cleanse is working.

We're in this baby, okay?

The pig man has spoken.

Here we go.

We're being open, accepting,
and loving to our son.

And if I see anyone I
know, I'm bolting.

Where is she? That's not her.

They killed Georgina.

Luckily we found out that
Georgina hadn't gone far.

Well, she couldn't go far.

She's a doll.

And, much like David's
Taco Bell cup,

she'd seen better days.

- Mom.
- Yeah.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

A little privacy, please.

- Oh, yep. Sure, bud.
- Yep. Sure.

He said casually as
his son declared

his love for something
that doesn't blink.

"Georgina, my love,

"I loved you from afar.

I think you were
watching me too."

God, it was so much easier

back when we just had to
get him to take a shower.

Right? I mean, two bucks
and a marshmallow,

- he's in the shower.
- I know.

Pretty soon when
he takes a shower,

it's gonna be weird
and something else.

And we don't give
marshmallows for that.

No. No.

I mean, I'm always proud when our
kids hit a milestone, but...

This feels like we're saying
good-bye to something.

He's not our baby anymore.

I know.

- That's a rat. We should go.
- Oh, no.

Come on this way.

- Come on.
- You don't need to know why.

- Get away from the dumpster.
- It's not about Georgina.

It's a separate dumpster thing.

Oh, that's a big rat.

How you doing, bud?

I'm fine. From far away,

Georgina seemed really real.

But up close, she has dead eyes.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna
have a nightmare.

Hey, honey?

We're so glad that you
talked to Georgina.

But is there maybe
a girl at school

you want to talk to?

Yeah. Tasha.

But... she makes me nervous.

Sometimes she says hi,

but I don't know what to say,

so I run to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah.

The old run into the
bathroom trick.

That must be genetic.

You know what, that's
what I used to do.

See? Now this is the sweet
rite-of-passage moment I hoped for

when I held little
newborn Louie.

Oh, God, is that
rat following us?

Okay, I'm gonna run away.

Go. Go. Move, move, move.

So. How was the love
fest with the dummy?

Are you going to
meet her parents?

It's fine, Mom.

Louie's in love with Tasha now.

Now what's Tasha?
A pool floatie?

Parenting isn't so easy, is it?

No.

It's just I make these
choices every day,

and I never know if
they're gonna be right,

until the kids grow
up and are mad at me.

Like you're mad at me

for not giving you
some big sex talk.

But... today is your lucky day.

I'm giving it to you now.

All right. Let's hear it.

When a man and a woman
love each other,

they take off their clothes

and they create

an ungrateful child

who will never let them forget

any of their mistakes.

There she is.

♪

It's bittersweet watching
your kid grow up.

But at some point

you just have to let go.

Well, well, well.

So you're the reason Griffy-poo
wants to manage his own money.

Only Mommy makes money moves.

Uh.

I thought that
Tristram was dead.

Who?

Chewey.

He didn't show up for
his mummy cuddle time.

Are you the one that
told our Norman

not to call his mamas?

I'm a pacifist.

But no baby boy, no peace.

I will tear your ass up.

Moms!

Oh! Baby!

I'll just go!

Thank you...

What are you doing here?

You didn't miss us
enough to call.

Oh! You're so strong!

Chewey.

Your mom is hot. Oh, man.

- I missed you.
- Wow.

This answers so many
questions I had about them.