I Feel Bad (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - I Lie to My Kids - full transcript
That's our alarm going off
an hour earlier than usual,
'cause with three kids
and two jobs, there's never
enough time in the morning.
But Mama figured it out.
Baby, get up.
It's time to do it.
Mm, I don't wanna. Too early.
Oh, come on.
Don't make me do
it all by myself.
No, I don't know if I can
get the little guy up.
He's not so little anymore.
Wait, what are we talking
about right now?
Getting the kids
to school on time.
Mm, yeah, yeah, kids.
I knew that.
God, you still wake up
like this every morning?
Mm.
What a waste.
Okay, we're tricking
the kids by setting
the clocks an hour ahead,
'cause we're the family
who's always late for
school and work,
and I'm tired of
sucking at life.
- Eat! Good morning.
- Why is it still dark out?
It's double daylight
savings time.
Here, eat your breakfast.
Let's see if we can find
any clean coffee cups
in this filthy hellhole.
Holy moly, you're awake already.
Yep, we're crushing it.
You're not crushing it, man.
You want to see crushing it?
Look at the Walkers.
They're already reaching
the peak of their sunrise hike.
Come on, we've got a good
little bunch here too.
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie...
Mom, you know how fake that Instagram
family you're obsessed with is, right?
Oh, you're just jealous because
you ain't got no content.
Oh, I just wish this
family would do one thing
to make me feel hashtag blessed.
Oh, no, we are,
because we are hashtag
on time for school.
We're on time. Great, let's go.
Bye, I love you.
Okay, great, let's go,
let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Wait, I forgot
about my homework.
- It's fine. We'll do it in the car.
- Yeah.
Okay, I'm just supposed to do a
report about Abraham Lincoln,
build a log cabin, and
dress up like him.
Hashtag morning fail.
Do you have a top hat?
We didn't have time for anything
except faking the worst
costume in history.
- Costume.
- Costume.
- Stapler.
- Stapler.
- Log cabin.
- Log cabin.
Here you go, yes.
Are you guys sure this is good?
Sometimes you just have to
tell your kids the truth.
Honey, it's not good.
It is great!
This is not one of those times.
♪ - _
♪ - _
And here we are late again,
stuck in the usual
school drop-off hell.
These people take their
costumes too seriously.
Okay, come on, enough
with the kissing.
They're going off to
Tuesday, not college.
We got a spot. We got a spot.
Yes!
Aha, aha.
Ah, yes!
Work hard. Be kind. Love you.
Get out.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, sorry, the fast lane is a new
perk for honor roll students only.
I guess somebody didn't
read the school newsletter.
Sorry, how do you know that
we're not an honor roll family?
Because you don't
have a sticker...
And your child is
drinking syrup.
Louie, stop drinking
your homework.
Just move it back into
the other lane, okay?
Thank you.
Okay, that's cultural
appropriation.
Namaste.
I know, I know I'm late.
I know, I know.
I got screwed by the
honor roll fast lane.
Okay, just tell me you guys started
working on the creature designs.
The creature designs.
No, of course you didn't.
Did you at least save
me a plain bagel?
No, all that's left is the
bottom half of a blueberry.
It's not our fault, okay?
The jocks took all
the good bagels.
Okay, they're not jocks.
They're nerdy sports
game developers.
I don't know why you guys
let them intimidate you.
The guys had always
been disgruntled
because they didn't get roof
access while the sports guys did.
Hey, dudes.
You want to join us on the roof?
Oh, yeah, you can't. Roof
access is a big dog perk.
The meaner the jocks
were to the guys,
the more the guys wanted
to hang out with them.
Man, those guys are
frickin' cool.
They are such big old d-holes.
If all it took was
being a d-hole,
you'd be on the roof already.
Oh, my God, thank you, Norman.
You know what?
You guys deserve roof access,
and I deserve an
honor roll sticker
even if I don't have
an honor roll kid.
I deserve a blue badge.
That's it: I can make one.
Make an honor roll
kid, at your age?
Not a kid, Chewey, a sticker.
I can make a sticker.
Right.
You know what, fire
up the Photoshop.
Let's go, move it. Move it.
And just like that, I had
an honor roll sticker.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Hey, volunteer mom,
who wants to with me?
You want to try ing
with me today?
Mom, language.
God, I thought you had
your headphones in.
Ah. Work hard. Be kind.
Love you. Get out.
Oh! Sticker.
Left it at home last time.
Bye, bitch.
Don't mind if I do.
Ow!
Hey, Lily, is that your sticker?
No.
Huh, then how'd Mom get one?
I got my ID swipe on
at 8:59, baby players.
Almost took the stairs
'cause I'm nasty.
I'm a punctual baller, son.
Oh, I'm all about that
on-time life, am I right?
I've been here since 6:00.
Thank you very much for that.
Appreciate you.
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, I'm here.
Hi, pretties.
Hello, all the bagels.
Oh, you're so plain.
Okay, let me see some sketches.
Well, I have about 50...
- Great.
- Of the roof deck.
What?
You know, the one that
we're excluded from.
See, I'm thinking that
there is a fountain
surrounded by velvet
chaise lounges.
I love a chaise lounge.
Is it a couch? Is it a bed?
I meant for work, Chewey.
Oh, then no, sorry.
I get obsessed.
Ever since I was a kid,
I would sketch things I
couldn't experience,
you know, like prom or... pfft...
other kids' birthday parties
or parents in a happy marriage.
Bet those jocks are
up there right now
you know, talking about hoops
and beers and touchdowns,
hanging out in some
sick-ass grotto
underneath, like, a
frickin' waterfall.
Just... pbbt... oh.
Just a friggin' waterfall.
That's why we can't get a
good flush going down here.
It's classist, okay?
A good flush is a
fundamental human right.
It's about dignity.
Guys, stop, okay?
Listen, if I can get to work
like a punctual baller,
you guys can get roof
access like sneaky ballers.
But first get back to
work like worker ballers.
Can you stop talking like that?
No. It's fun.
Ugh. Okay, you heard
bagel baller.
- Get back to work.
- Yeah.
I'm making a fake badge.
We're getting on that roof.
Yes!
Sorry, that was decades
in the making.
After slaying it at work,
I even had time to make a nutritious
meal for my family... happen.
What, hot deli.
What is the occasion?
I don't know, just killing
it at life, I guess.
Oh, what a wonderful mother.
Thanks, Mom.
Not you, Mrs. Walker.
She made her family frittatas
with fresh veggies
from her garden.
Why is she in a bikini
in every photo?
I imagine her kitchen
is very hot.
You know, Mom, I could Photoshop
the best version of us too,
but I don't want us to
be a family of liars.
Trust me, all their deceit
will catch up to them someday.
- Mom, Mom.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I know about the sticker, Mom.
Oh, God, it's caught up to me.
Okay, honey, listen to me.
I can explain.
You don't have to. You
tried to keep it a secret
so Lily wouldn't feel bad.
I made the honor roll!
Ah!
Thumbs up if you're okay.
You, you, you!
Chh! Pccch! You forged
an honor roll sticker.
Okay, okay, so I rigged
the system a little,
but the system sucks.
The school is giving free fast
passes to kids who are already ahead
when it is mediocre people like
us who need the extra time,
- and you know it.
- Wow.
Do you know how awesome it was
to have a five-minute drop off?
It's not appropriate to...
Five minutes?
Door to drop-off.
We can't let Louie think
that he earned something
that he didn't earn.
Bad parenting, bad.
Oh, I know. I will go
tell him the truth.
Okay, good.
Wow, five minutes
door to drop-off.
You know, I did make an
extra sticker for you.
- No.
- Damn it.
Hey, buddy, can we
just talk for one...
Are you doing homework?
You know, Mom, being on the
honor roll is so cool.
Yeah, sweetie, about that.
All my friends are
good at stuff.
Judson plays baseball.
Leah draws cartoons.
Keegan was on "The Good Wife."
But now I'm finally good
at something too: school!
Louie's finally
proud of himself,
and I'm about to
take it all away.
What a wonderful mother.
Enough with Mrs. Walker, Mom.
- Oh, not her. You.
- What?
When Indian moms are proud,
they feed you sweets,
or so I've heard.
A son on the honor roll.
Oh!
You're just killing him.
It, Mom. I'm killing it.
So we just keep lying to him?
All I'm saying is,
we've always treated Louie like
some sort of late bloomer.
We rebrand him as an
honor roll student,
and, look, he's motivated
to become one.
And this has nothing to do with the fact
that your mother's being nice to you?
No, no, of course not.
I'm a grown woman.
I don't need my
mother's approval.
What's happening?
Number one dad!
Way to go, chief.
Oh, I think your mom
just tipped me.
Yeah, it's an Indian thing.
She's proud of you.
- Feels really good.
- I know, I told you.
Look, 20 bucks.
- Oh, God, look at it.
- There it is.
We need to duplicate that
badge to get to the roof.
- Coast is clear.
- I do believe we are clear.
Hang on, whoa, whoa, who's this?
Oh, no, wait. Oh.
Well, knock me down
with a feather.
I thought you were morally
objected to stealing a badge.
I am. It's wrong.
I got here early to catch the
new girl in the parking lot.
She pulled up in her Subaru,
sun dancing off her nose ring,
and I was like, "Good morning."
And she said, "Hey, Gorman."
So close and not even a name.
Yeah, well, she seems dumb.
So, okay, let's do this.
Okay, go, go, go.
Oh, just gonna do my
morning stretches.
Oh, nothing unusual about that.
Doing my normal morning routine.
Ooh.
That was way more chill than
I thought it was gonna be.
Look at us.
We're like James Bond and
James Bond's friend.
Idiots. They've got no idea.
Guess who made it in early
again thanks to the sticker?
This guy. Coffee's on me.
Be warned, you're all
tangled up in a web of lies
that's just gonna keep getting
tanglier and stickier
until the spider of truth
descends on you and
everyone you love
and poisons you with
the sting of regret.
Yeah, I don't care.
I picked a book
from the advanced reading
list at the library,
and 'cause I'm smart, they
gave it to me for free.
They're free for everyone.
What? How do they
stay in business?
Oy.
Mom, I'll take my ice cream now.
Wait, we get weekday ice cream?
Are you pregnant again?
No, no.
Hate to be this guy,
but Mom said we only
get weekday ice cream
if we made the honor roll.
The H is silent, you
little ding-dong.
It's not fair.
I study way harder than him.
I should be getting ice cream.
I'm sorry, Lily.
Psst, I'll get you dessert.
I don't know when or how,
but, by God, I will.
Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We'll watch "The
Voice" in bed later.
I love you.
What do you think, huh?
Does this say, "I am
proud of my family,"
but also, "Look at me"?
Wow, are you just
really late for prom?
It's for the honor roll
ceremony tomorrow.
Don't you read the
school newsletter?
Yeah, I do, a lot.
I can't wait to Instagram
my little Louie
receiving his certificate.
So does Number One Mama
want to have her hair done
with me tomorrow, huh?
- My treat!
- Whoa, man.
Norman was right. I'm in a web.
When you're in this deep,
the only thing to do is...
Oh, yeah, ah.
Sink even deeper.
I know I'm headed for disaster.
Dear God, this woman
has magic fingers.
But I will get out of this mess
right after...
thiiiiiiis!
All right. Okay. Let's go through
the checklist with things we need
for the roof mission. Badge?
- Check.
- Okay.
Yeah, that's everything.
- All right, we're good.
- Uh, hold on.
Integrity... not check.
Oh, man, okay, you know what?
You can keep your
integrity down here,
but guess who's on that roof
is your dumb nose ring
hippie girl, mm-hmm.
- You serious?
- Uh-huh.
Subaru Girl is in the
sports division?
- She do.
- Think about it.
She might let you close enough
to taste her natural oils.
- She doesn't wash.
- Ooh...
Why would you want her to?
Damn it, I'm in. Whatever.
- Yes.
- I'll do it.
- Okay.
- Good boy.
Well, I think we found
our new creature design.
We just got to coax
it off Emet's head.
Okay, shut up, Griff.
I'm in deep.
Apparently there's an
honor roll ceremony.
How hard is it to hack
into Louie's school?
I'm already in.
- You are, really?
- No, not really.
You think I'm going to hack
into a children's school
with this predator stache?
Well, well, well, Medusa,
seems like a little spider
might have climbed
down and visited you.
It looks like it's time to
come clean to your son.
That was a joke, right?
You are joking, yeah,
because that is madness.
I mean, sure, yeah,
maybe three days ago,
absolutely fine, hunky dory.
But not now. It's too late.
I mean, little Louie,
he'll be crushed.
And your mum?
Well, she's gonna have
ammo on you for years.
No, you are trapped.
There is no way out.
You're trapped, damn it!
Sorry, this whole roof mission
thing has got me really on edge.
He's right.
There's only one option.
I have to leave my family.
Or you could just
buy your kid off.
Or I could buy my kid off.
We can't buy our kid off.
We have to come clean.
Oh, oh, sure, let's go
tell that sweet face
to put his book down and
try to get an audition
for "The Good Wife"
because he's dumb again.
Laser tag? That sounds rad.
Okay, yeah, laser tag.
Did someone say laser tag?
- Mom said laser tag.
- Someone did.
Hey, you know how you're
always trying to get me
to go to Laseropolis
and I'm always like,
"No, 'cause it's hell and I
hate it more than anywhere."
She hates it worse than
my parents' house.
Yeah, totes.
Well, guess who got VIP passes?
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! Mom.
But they're only good for today.
What, they're only
good for today?
They're only good for today.
We have to go today.
Which means you'd have to
miss the honor roll thing,
but, I mean, who wants to go to
some sort of honor roll ceremony
when you could go play space
wars with a bunch of kids
who are hopped up on
hormones and Slurpees?
- Pew!
- Bam!
Nah, I want to go to
the honor roll thing.
- We have to leave our family.
- It's the only way.
We're Oscar Mike.
Watch my six.
♪
This is exciting.
♪
What the hell was that?
Game over. Abort! Abort! Abort!
Hello?
Shh.
Good-bye.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Um...
Today... we become men.
Let's do it.
Okay, man.
Whew.
I feel alive.
Take a good one, Googaloo.
Everybody say "honor roll."
All: Honor roll.
Ha ha!
- Okay.
- Okay, listen, after my mom
gets her perfect Instagram
picture, follow my lead, okay?
Okay, we've got the money shot.
- Let's go.
- That's not the...
Uh.
Oh, God, oh, sorry.
Give me one second. I'm
not feeling so well.
- What's up?
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
So throw up. Come on, let's go.
I'm worried if we're late,
all the cake will get eaten.
Uhh. Oh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh,
it's hitting me too.
- Yeah.
- Oh. You know what?
I'll bet it's from all
that bagged chicken
Emet makes us eat. It
feels like we have...
Food poisoning. I
think it's that
because it usually... it
hits the mother first.
We should probably go
before we puke all over
and bring shame to our family.
David, go get the car.
Oh, wait, wait.
I see someone who can help.
It's the Walkers!
Dr. Walker, hello.
You have got to be kidding me.
Those people actually exist?
Oh, Dr. Walker, thank God.
My daughter and her husband are
sick because she won't cook.
- Can you help?
- I'd be happy to help.
When did the pain start?
Four days ago.
Ah.
This might not be
food poisoning.
I suggest we head to the ER.
Mommy, are you dying?
We'll be orphans.
They're gonna split us up.
And it's gone too far.
Okay, okay, stop it.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Okay, I can't do this anymore.
I'm not dying. I'm fine.
I'm a liar, okay?
Louie's not on the honor roll.
But I'm sure you had a
good reason for doing it,
so let's just go to dinner.
Buca di Beppo's?
We made it.
Is this really happening?
I love you guys.
Ah, no, no touching.
What?
Uh...
That's the waterfall?
Oh, she's a smoker?
And a murderer?
Oh...
♪
The jocks are doing yoga.
This is some serious
bitch-ass-ness.
Never meet your heroes, man.
Oh, God, we've had
a ball pop out.
We have confirmation
on testicle.
Get back in the elevator.
Come on, go!
- Yeah, yeah. Go, go.
- Come on!
You faked an honor roll sticker?
I get a new phone now, right?
Yeah, probably.
Look, honey, I am so sorry.
All your dad and I want
is for you to feel better
about yourself, okay?
And maybe get ready a little
faster in the morning.
Can you forgive us?
Yeah, actually, I'm relieved.
I couldn't figure out how
I got on the honor roll.
I do not try.
Buddy, okay, I'll tell you what.
We'll lie a little less,
and you try a little more, okay?
All right, everybody happy?
Everybody's happy.
- Buca di Beppo's!
- Yes!
No Buca di Beppo.
You made me a glamorous fool.
So where's my apology?
Fine, Mom, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you don't get the
perfect Instagram daughter.
You get me.
Okay, I'm always late.
I currently have a dirty
diaper in my purse.
I haven't done my
laundry in two weeks,
so I'm wearing a
leotard as underwear,
and I was willing to spin a
web of sticky little lies
just to have my mom shove
love cake in my mouth.
Wow, that's pathetic.
- Hey.
- Excuse me.
No, no.
Nobody talks to
my wife like that
except her own mother.
And I've earned it.
This is a wonderful mother.
No, she doesn't prance around in a bikini
like Mrs. Dr. Walker, but she could,
and it would be hot.
Lately, she's doing a lot of
the one-piece thing, okay,
but I really miss
those bikinis, man.
- You do?
- Yes.
Baby, I can still do a bikini.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, just give me a little heads up.
Yeah, well, consider
this your heads up.
You know, as a doctor, I've
seen some pretty sick people
but you guys take the...
Cake! I took it!
Run!
Run! Run, run, run, run!
Go, go, go!
- Come on, Mom.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, the baby, the
baby, the baby!
Okay, excuse me. Just gonna...
Yes!
You see, I told you
I'd get you dessert.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Hey, Louie, I hope you
know that your dad and I
think you're a smart
and capable kid, okay?
Here, have some cake.
The spoon touched
my dingle dangle.
Mmm.
I am proud of you, okay?
Thanks, Mom.
And I'm sorry that you have
to take the honor roll
picture off of Instagram.
Are you crazy, man?
I'm not going to take that off.
Once it's on the
Internet, it's true.
Well, who am I to judge?
I'm eating stolen cake.
an hour earlier than usual,
'cause with three kids
and two jobs, there's never
enough time in the morning.
But Mama figured it out.
Baby, get up.
It's time to do it.
Mm, I don't wanna. Too early.
Oh, come on.
Don't make me do
it all by myself.
No, I don't know if I can
get the little guy up.
He's not so little anymore.
Wait, what are we talking
about right now?
Getting the kids
to school on time.
Mm, yeah, yeah, kids.
I knew that.
God, you still wake up
like this every morning?
Mm.
What a waste.
Okay, we're tricking
the kids by setting
the clocks an hour ahead,
'cause we're the family
who's always late for
school and work,
and I'm tired of
sucking at life.
- Eat! Good morning.
- Why is it still dark out?
It's double daylight
savings time.
Here, eat your breakfast.
Let's see if we can find
any clean coffee cups
in this filthy hellhole.
Holy moly, you're awake already.
Yep, we're crushing it.
You're not crushing it, man.
You want to see crushing it?
Look at the Walkers.
They're already reaching
the peak of their sunrise hike.
Come on, we've got a good
little bunch here too.
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie...
Mom, you know how fake that Instagram
family you're obsessed with is, right?
Oh, you're just jealous because
you ain't got no content.
Oh, I just wish this
family would do one thing
to make me feel hashtag blessed.
Oh, no, we are,
because we are hashtag
on time for school.
We're on time. Great, let's go.
Bye, I love you.
Okay, great, let's go,
let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Wait, I forgot
about my homework.
- It's fine. We'll do it in the car.
- Yeah.
Okay, I'm just supposed to do a
report about Abraham Lincoln,
build a log cabin, and
dress up like him.
Hashtag morning fail.
Do you have a top hat?
We didn't have time for anything
except faking the worst
costume in history.
- Costume.
- Costume.
- Stapler.
- Stapler.
- Log cabin.
- Log cabin.
Here you go, yes.
Are you guys sure this is good?
Sometimes you just have to
tell your kids the truth.
Honey, it's not good.
It is great!
This is not one of those times.
♪ - _
♪ - _
And here we are late again,
stuck in the usual
school drop-off hell.
These people take their
costumes too seriously.
Okay, come on, enough
with the kissing.
They're going off to
Tuesday, not college.
We got a spot. We got a spot.
Yes!
Aha, aha.
Ah, yes!
Work hard. Be kind. Love you.
Get out.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, sorry, the fast lane is a new
perk for honor roll students only.
I guess somebody didn't
read the school newsletter.
Sorry, how do you know that
we're not an honor roll family?
Because you don't
have a sticker...
And your child is
drinking syrup.
Louie, stop drinking
your homework.
Just move it back into
the other lane, okay?
Thank you.
Okay, that's cultural
appropriation.
Namaste.
I know, I know I'm late.
I know, I know.
I got screwed by the
honor roll fast lane.
Okay, just tell me you guys started
working on the creature designs.
The creature designs.
No, of course you didn't.
Did you at least save
me a plain bagel?
No, all that's left is the
bottom half of a blueberry.
It's not our fault, okay?
The jocks took all
the good bagels.
Okay, they're not jocks.
They're nerdy sports
game developers.
I don't know why you guys
let them intimidate you.
The guys had always
been disgruntled
because they didn't get roof
access while the sports guys did.
Hey, dudes.
You want to join us on the roof?
Oh, yeah, you can't. Roof
access is a big dog perk.
The meaner the jocks
were to the guys,
the more the guys wanted
to hang out with them.
Man, those guys are
frickin' cool.
They are such big old d-holes.
If all it took was
being a d-hole,
you'd be on the roof already.
Oh, my God, thank you, Norman.
You know what?
You guys deserve roof access,
and I deserve an
honor roll sticker
even if I don't have
an honor roll kid.
I deserve a blue badge.
That's it: I can make one.
Make an honor roll
kid, at your age?
Not a kid, Chewey, a sticker.
I can make a sticker.
Right.
You know what, fire
up the Photoshop.
Let's go, move it. Move it.
And just like that, I had
an honor roll sticker.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Hey, volunteer mom,
who wants to with me?
You want to try ing
with me today?
Mom, language.
God, I thought you had
your headphones in.
Ah. Work hard. Be kind.
Love you. Get out.
Oh! Sticker.
Left it at home last time.
Bye, bitch.
Don't mind if I do.
Ow!
Hey, Lily, is that your sticker?
No.
Huh, then how'd Mom get one?
I got my ID swipe on
at 8:59, baby players.
Almost took the stairs
'cause I'm nasty.
I'm a punctual baller, son.
Oh, I'm all about that
on-time life, am I right?
I've been here since 6:00.
Thank you very much for that.
Appreciate you.
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, I'm here.
Hi, pretties.
Hello, all the bagels.
Oh, you're so plain.
Okay, let me see some sketches.
Well, I have about 50...
- Great.
- Of the roof deck.
What?
You know, the one that
we're excluded from.
See, I'm thinking that
there is a fountain
surrounded by velvet
chaise lounges.
I love a chaise lounge.
Is it a couch? Is it a bed?
I meant for work, Chewey.
Oh, then no, sorry.
I get obsessed.
Ever since I was a kid,
I would sketch things I
couldn't experience,
you know, like prom or... pfft...
other kids' birthday parties
or parents in a happy marriage.
Bet those jocks are
up there right now
you know, talking about hoops
and beers and touchdowns,
hanging out in some
sick-ass grotto
underneath, like, a
frickin' waterfall.
Just... pbbt... oh.
Just a friggin' waterfall.
That's why we can't get a
good flush going down here.
It's classist, okay?
A good flush is a
fundamental human right.
It's about dignity.
Guys, stop, okay?
Listen, if I can get to work
like a punctual baller,
you guys can get roof
access like sneaky ballers.
But first get back to
work like worker ballers.
Can you stop talking like that?
No. It's fun.
Ugh. Okay, you heard
bagel baller.
- Get back to work.
- Yeah.
I'm making a fake badge.
We're getting on that roof.
Yes!
Sorry, that was decades
in the making.
After slaying it at work,
I even had time to make a nutritious
meal for my family... happen.
What, hot deli.
What is the occasion?
I don't know, just killing
it at life, I guess.
Oh, what a wonderful mother.
Thanks, Mom.
Not you, Mrs. Walker.
She made her family frittatas
with fresh veggies
from her garden.
Why is she in a bikini
in every photo?
I imagine her kitchen
is very hot.
You know, Mom, I could Photoshop
the best version of us too,
but I don't want us to
be a family of liars.
Trust me, all their deceit
will catch up to them someday.
- Mom, Mom.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I know about the sticker, Mom.
Oh, God, it's caught up to me.
Okay, honey, listen to me.
I can explain.
You don't have to. You
tried to keep it a secret
so Lily wouldn't feel bad.
I made the honor roll!
Ah!
Thumbs up if you're okay.
You, you, you!
Chh! Pccch! You forged
an honor roll sticker.
Okay, okay, so I rigged
the system a little,
but the system sucks.
The school is giving free fast
passes to kids who are already ahead
when it is mediocre people like
us who need the extra time,
- and you know it.
- Wow.
Do you know how awesome it was
to have a five-minute drop off?
It's not appropriate to...
Five minutes?
Door to drop-off.
We can't let Louie think
that he earned something
that he didn't earn.
Bad parenting, bad.
Oh, I know. I will go
tell him the truth.
Okay, good.
Wow, five minutes
door to drop-off.
You know, I did make an
extra sticker for you.
- No.
- Damn it.
Hey, buddy, can we
just talk for one...
Are you doing homework?
You know, Mom, being on the
honor roll is so cool.
Yeah, sweetie, about that.
All my friends are
good at stuff.
Judson plays baseball.
Leah draws cartoons.
Keegan was on "The Good Wife."
But now I'm finally good
at something too: school!
Louie's finally
proud of himself,
and I'm about to
take it all away.
What a wonderful mother.
Enough with Mrs. Walker, Mom.
- Oh, not her. You.
- What?
When Indian moms are proud,
they feed you sweets,
or so I've heard.
A son on the honor roll.
Oh!
You're just killing him.
It, Mom. I'm killing it.
So we just keep lying to him?
All I'm saying is,
we've always treated Louie like
some sort of late bloomer.
We rebrand him as an
honor roll student,
and, look, he's motivated
to become one.
And this has nothing to do with the fact
that your mother's being nice to you?
No, no, of course not.
I'm a grown woman.
I don't need my
mother's approval.
What's happening?
Number one dad!
Way to go, chief.
Oh, I think your mom
just tipped me.
Yeah, it's an Indian thing.
She's proud of you.
- Feels really good.
- I know, I told you.
Look, 20 bucks.
- Oh, God, look at it.
- There it is.
We need to duplicate that
badge to get to the roof.
- Coast is clear.
- I do believe we are clear.
Hang on, whoa, whoa, who's this?
Oh, no, wait. Oh.
Well, knock me down
with a feather.
I thought you were morally
objected to stealing a badge.
I am. It's wrong.
I got here early to catch the
new girl in the parking lot.
She pulled up in her Subaru,
sun dancing off her nose ring,
and I was like, "Good morning."
And she said, "Hey, Gorman."
So close and not even a name.
Yeah, well, she seems dumb.
So, okay, let's do this.
Okay, go, go, go.
Oh, just gonna do my
morning stretches.
Oh, nothing unusual about that.
Doing my normal morning routine.
Ooh.
That was way more chill than
I thought it was gonna be.
Look at us.
We're like James Bond and
James Bond's friend.
Idiots. They've got no idea.
Guess who made it in early
again thanks to the sticker?
This guy. Coffee's on me.
Be warned, you're all
tangled up in a web of lies
that's just gonna keep getting
tanglier and stickier
until the spider of truth
descends on you and
everyone you love
and poisons you with
the sting of regret.
Yeah, I don't care.
I picked a book
from the advanced reading
list at the library,
and 'cause I'm smart, they
gave it to me for free.
They're free for everyone.
What? How do they
stay in business?
Oy.
Mom, I'll take my ice cream now.
Wait, we get weekday ice cream?
Are you pregnant again?
No, no.
Hate to be this guy,
but Mom said we only
get weekday ice cream
if we made the honor roll.
The H is silent, you
little ding-dong.
It's not fair.
I study way harder than him.
I should be getting ice cream.
I'm sorry, Lily.
Psst, I'll get you dessert.
I don't know when or how,
but, by God, I will.
Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We'll watch "The
Voice" in bed later.
I love you.
What do you think, huh?
Does this say, "I am
proud of my family,"
but also, "Look at me"?
Wow, are you just
really late for prom?
It's for the honor roll
ceremony tomorrow.
Don't you read the
school newsletter?
Yeah, I do, a lot.
I can't wait to Instagram
my little Louie
receiving his certificate.
So does Number One Mama
want to have her hair done
with me tomorrow, huh?
- My treat!
- Whoa, man.
Norman was right. I'm in a web.
When you're in this deep,
the only thing to do is...
Oh, yeah, ah.
Sink even deeper.
I know I'm headed for disaster.
Dear God, this woman
has magic fingers.
But I will get out of this mess
right after...
thiiiiiiis!
All right. Okay. Let's go through
the checklist with things we need
for the roof mission. Badge?
- Check.
- Okay.
Yeah, that's everything.
- All right, we're good.
- Uh, hold on.
Integrity... not check.
Oh, man, okay, you know what?
You can keep your
integrity down here,
but guess who's on that roof
is your dumb nose ring
hippie girl, mm-hmm.
- You serious?
- Uh-huh.
Subaru Girl is in the
sports division?
- She do.
- Think about it.
She might let you close enough
to taste her natural oils.
- She doesn't wash.
- Ooh...
Why would you want her to?
Damn it, I'm in. Whatever.
- Yes.
- I'll do it.
- Okay.
- Good boy.
Well, I think we found
our new creature design.
We just got to coax
it off Emet's head.
Okay, shut up, Griff.
I'm in deep.
Apparently there's an
honor roll ceremony.
How hard is it to hack
into Louie's school?
I'm already in.
- You are, really?
- No, not really.
You think I'm going to hack
into a children's school
with this predator stache?
Well, well, well, Medusa,
seems like a little spider
might have climbed
down and visited you.
It looks like it's time to
come clean to your son.
That was a joke, right?
You are joking, yeah,
because that is madness.
I mean, sure, yeah,
maybe three days ago,
absolutely fine, hunky dory.
But not now. It's too late.
I mean, little Louie,
he'll be crushed.
And your mum?
Well, she's gonna have
ammo on you for years.
No, you are trapped.
There is no way out.
You're trapped, damn it!
Sorry, this whole roof mission
thing has got me really on edge.
He's right.
There's only one option.
I have to leave my family.
Or you could just
buy your kid off.
Or I could buy my kid off.
We can't buy our kid off.
We have to come clean.
Oh, oh, sure, let's go
tell that sweet face
to put his book down and
try to get an audition
for "The Good Wife"
because he's dumb again.
Laser tag? That sounds rad.
Okay, yeah, laser tag.
Did someone say laser tag?
- Mom said laser tag.
- Someone did.
Hey, you know how you're
always trying to get me
to go to Laseropolis
and I'm always like,
"No, 'cause it's hell and I
hate it more than anywhere."
She hates it worse than
my parents' house.
Yeah, totes.
Well, guess who got VIP passes?
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! Mom.
But they're only good for today.
What, they're only
good for today?
They're only good for today.
We have to go today.
Which means you'd have to
miss the honor roll thing,
but, I mean, who wants to go to
some sort of honor roll ceremony
when you could go play space
wars with a bunch of kids
who are hopped up on
hormones and Slurpees?
- Pew!
- Bam!
Nah, I want to go to
the honor roll thing.
- We have to leave our family.
- It's the only way.
We're Oscar Mike.
Watch my six.
♪
This is exciting.
♪
What the hell was that?
Game over. Abort! Abort! Abort!
Hello?
Shh.
Good-bye.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Um...
Today... we become men.
Let's do it.
Okay, man.
Whew.
I feel alive.
Take a good one, Googaloo.
Everybody say "honor roll."
All: Honor roll.
Ha ha!
- Okay.
- Okay, listen, after my mom
gets her perfect Instagram
picture, follow my lead, okay?
Okay, we've got the money shot.
- Let's go.
- That's not the...
Uh.
Oh, God, oh, sorry.
Give me one second. I'm
not feeling so well.
- What's up?
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
So throw up. Come on, let's go.
I'm worried if we're late,
all the cake will get eaten.
Uhh. Oh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh,
it's hitting me too.
- Yeah.
- Oh. You know what?
I'll bet it's from all
that bagged chicken
Emet makes us eat. It
feels like we have...
Food poisoning. I
think it's that
because it usually... it
hits the mother first.
We should probably go
before we puke all over
and bring shame to our family.
David, go get the car.
Oh, wait, wait.
I see someone who can help.
It's the Walkers!
Dr. Walker, hello.
You have got to be kidding me.
Those people actually exist?
Oh, Dr. Walker, thank God.
My daughter and her husband are
sick because she won't cook.
- Can you help?
- I'd be happy to help.
When did the pain start?
Four days ago.
Ah.
This might not be
food poisoning.
I suggest we head to the ER.
Mommy, are you dying?
We'll be orphans.
They're gonna split us up.
And it's gone too far.
Okay, okay, stop it.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Okay, I can't do this anymore.
I'm not dying. I'm fine.
I'm a liar, okay?
Louie's not on the honor roll.
But I'm sure you had a
good reason for doing it,
so let's just go to dinner.
Buca di Beppo's?
We made it.
Is this really happening?
I love you guys.
Ah, no, no touching.
What?
Uh...
That's the waterfall?
Oh, she's a smoker?
And a murderer?
Oh...
♪
The jocks are doing yoga.
This is some serious
bitch-ass-ness.
Never meet your heroes, man.
Oh, God, we've had
a ball pop out.
We have confirmation
on testicle.
Get back in the elevator.
Come on, go!
- Yeah, yeah. Go, go.
- Come on!
You faked an honor roll sticker?
I get a new phone now, right?
Yeah, probably.
Look, honey, I am so sorry.
All your dad and I want
is for you to feel better
about yourself, okay?
And maybe get ready a little
faster in the morning.
Can you forgive us?
Yeah, actually, I'm relieved.
I couldn't figure out how
I got on the honor roll.
I do not try.
Buddy, okay, I'll tell you what.
We'll lie a little less,
and you try a little more, okay?
All right, everybody happy?
Everybody's happy.
- Buca di Beppo's!
- Yes!
No Buca di Beppo.
You made me a glamorous fool.
So where's my apology?
Fine, Mom, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you don't get the
perfect Instagram daughter.
You get me.
Okay, I'm always late.
I currently have a dirty
diaper in my purse.
I haven't done my
laundry in two weeks,
so I'm wearing a
leotard as underwear,
and I was willing to spin a
web of sticky little lies
just to have my mom shove
love cake in my mouth.
Wow, that's pathetic.
- Hey.
- Excuse me.
No, no.
Nobody talks to
my wife like that
except her own mother.
And I've earned it.
This is a wonderful mother.
No, she doesn't prance around in a bikini
like Mrs. Dr. Walker, but she could,
and it would be hot.
Lately, she's doing a lot of
the one-piece thing, okay,
but I really miss
those bikinis, man.
- You do?
- Yes.
Baby, I can still do a bikini.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, just give me a little heads up.
Yeah, well, consider
this your heads up.
You know, as a doctor, I've
seen some pretty sick people
but you guys take the...
Cake! I took it!
Run!
Run! Run, run, run, run!
Go, go, go!
- Come on, Mom.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, the baby, the
baby, the baby!
Okay, excuse me. Just gonna...
Yes!
You see, I told you
I'd get you dessert.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Hey, Louie, I hope you
know that your dad and I
think you're a smart
and capable kid, okay?
Here, have some cake.
The spoon touched
my dingle dangle.
Mmm.
I am proud of you, okay?
Thanks, Mom.
And I'm sorry that you have
to take the honor roll
picture off of Instagram.
Are you crazy, man?
I'm not going to take that off.
Once it's on the
Internet, it's true.
Well, who am I to judge?
I'm eating stolen cake.