I Feel Bad (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - I Get Sick of Being Needed - full transcript
Emet finds a way to get a break when her parents temporarily move in.
We all need a way to reset
our souls, don't we?
Yeah, I don't have time
to do yoga on the
beach at sunset.
This is my idea of relaxation.
I call this pose
"the reclining pig."
I get to hold it for
20 minutes a day
when the kids are finally asleep
and David's in the shower.
It's the only "me" time I get
because for every other
minute of every day,
someone needs me.
Oh, Emet! Emet! We need you!
Our VR game designs
need to be approved
before the concept
meeting tomorrow.
You guys were supposed
to get me those by 3:00.
Whoa, pretty demanding
for someone who took her
sweet-ass time at lunch today.
I took my baby to the doctor.
I held him down
while he got shots.
You came back with a lollipop.
It couldn't have been that bad.
The lollipop was my lunch.
Okay, all right. Go ahead.
Put it on the pile. I got this.
Yeah, yeah. Go, go, go.
Home stretch until I
get to my 20 minutes.
I just have to make dinner,
put the kids to bed,
clean up, say hi
to the husband...
oh, and pee.
- Like, now.
- Mom!
Louie flew his
helicopter into my hair!
It's no big deal, Mom.
I'll go get the scissors.
- No, no, no...
- No, you psycho!
I'll kill you!
Lily, don't call him a psycho!
And Louie, stop being a psycho!
Oh, you're home.
- Yeah.
- Good. Listen.
You know how I have trouble
reading Caleb at work?
- Yes.
- Well, I decided that today
was the day I was gonna
show him my new press plan.
This is the part of my day
where David spins
out and I reassure.
I call it putting Humpty-David
back together again.
That I like...
actually, that doesn't
sound good either.
Oh yeah, Caleb's gonna fire me.
Okay, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey.
Humpty... honey, Caleb
is not firing you.
You are the best PR person
that airline has ever had.
- I am?
- Yes, they are lucky
- to have you.
- You're right.
- Yes!
- Thank you, you're the best.
- Hey, you know what you need?
- What?
- How about a date night?
- Yeah.
- How about I just spoil you?
- Yeah.
Uh-huh. So just pick a place,
make a reservation,
get a sitter,
and I am there.
Oh, I cannot wait.
- Okay, I got it.
- I'll get it.
Hi.
It's your neighbor. How are you?
- Listen, Emert...
- It's Emet.
Oh. That's weird too.
Listen, Ren and I are
off to Budapest,
and I was wondering if
you're not, like...
- Mom, she's crazy!
- I'm gonna kill you!
Quiet!
If you're not too busy,
would you mind bringing
in our packages
and then agitating our compost
for us while we're gone?
This globetrotting
needs to stir her own garbage.
Tell her no!
Of course. I'd be happy to.
What the hell is wrong
with you, Emert?
Oh, my God, amazing.
Thank you so much,
and ciao-maste.
- Bye!
- Bye.
I know this looks overwhelming,
but as long as I can
get my 20 minutes,
I can handle anything.
Just dinner, clean-up, bedtime,
then a light at the
end of the tunnel.
- Hello.
- A pipe burst in our condo.
We need to stay here for a week.
Whichever bathroom
I use is mine.
I'm battling athlete's foot.
♪ Take, take, take control ♪
♪ Control of me ♪
♪ Take me, me, me ♪
♪ Take, take control of me ♪
Well, two more annoying
things on my plate.
My parents.
Maya, did you remember
to bring my fiber?
My love, have I ever
forgotten your fiber?
Oh, I've glimpsed our future,
- and I don't like it.
- It's bad.
Okay, I can get a bunch of
vouchers from the airline
and we can get them
a free hotel room
and put them in it for the week.
- A hotel?
- Yeah.
What, like they're
white parents?
Why don't you just spit on them?
Okay, they are going
to stay here,
and it will be terrible.
Deal with it.
As you can tell, we
are very excited
about these new
character designs.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, they're fine.
They're fine. Just fine.
Well, I'm spiraling.
Sorry, check back with me later.
Sorry, guys, they're good.
They're really good, okay?
It's just...
with my parents
staying, I just...
I have nothing left in the tank.
You know what your problem is?
I just told you
what my problem is.
No, okay, your problem
is the same problem
- that all women have.
- Oh, I know what it is.
- Um, osteoporosis.
- Bloating.
- Humidity.
- Iron.
- Dryness?
- Calcium.
- Uh, itching.
- Burning.
- Swelling.
- Transvaginal mesh.
- Leaks!
- Ah, leaks.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, okay, all those things,
but mainly women aren't
entitled enough.
- You gotta take what you want.
- It's true.
We socialize girls to
be less assertive.
I actually read about a study
where they asked women
what part of a human centipede
they would want to be,
and half of them wouldn't
even answer the question.
Yeah, my point is,
you're never gonna get
what you want if you keep
acting like a woman.
- You gotta manspread.
- Manspread.
Yeah. See, manspreading
is when a guy, or
man, sits on a subway
with his legs apart, or spread.
Okay, you don't need
to mansplain manspreading to me.
Look at the wussy way
you're sitting right now.
You're too polite to even
take up your own chair.
I can take up a chair.
That's not that hard
or just, like...
I can do the things
that you guys...
it's actually not... that's
not even comfortable.
You know what?
Manspreading is gross,
and I'm not doing it. I
know that I can handle this
in a dignified, lady way.
Like Meryl Streep in everything.
I will just meet everyone's
needs and eke out
a teeny tiny break for myself
without anyone ever knowing
or getting their feelings hurt.
Yeah, you'd definitely be
the worst part of the centipede.
Those guys were wrong.
Women can be any part of
the centipede they want.
I just need to preserve
my precious 20 minutes.
I can do it. I can...
Whoa.
What the "fuh"? Mom.
- What the "fuh"?
- I'll tell you "what the fuh."
This kitchen has no flow.
Cooking is a dance.
Stove, cooking the oil.
Instead, I'm reaching
for the spices,
and plastic bags is what I find.
- Mom.
- We're getting hangry.
Grandma says she can't
cook until she can dance.
- Mom.
- Emet?
I need a bucket and
some mild detergent.
Sonny, I asked you
to buy some fruit,
not steal fruit from
the neighbor's yard.
Who am I hurting?
I'm a quiet squirrel,
climbing over fences,
taking what I need.
Something moved!
- Something moved!
- Food!
- Food! Food! Food!
- Okay, okay, okay!
Okay! Cap it!
I will get take-out. David,
keep everyone alive,
but kill whatever's
in my dad's fruit.
There. Needs met.
No manspreading required.
See you soon, 20 minutes.
Okay! Hustle up, everybody!
Food's here! Oh, my God.
I need to sleep
with you tonight.
- I'm scared.
- What?
Channel 12 has footage
of this gruesome,
execution-style murder.
Suspect still at large.
- Hey.
- What does "at large" mean?
"At large" means
he's still out there
and could kill again.
- Dad!
- Oh.
Sorry, uh,
he or she could kill again.
Dad... okay, listen to me.
Let go, let go, let go.
I can't breathe.
Hey, honey, I will read you
an extra bedtime
story tonight, okay?
There goes 5 minutes off my 20.
Ew! Ew!
- Why is it wet?
- Oh, good.
I think that's where
Jake threw up.
Yeah, we heard the baby puke,
but we didn't see him puke.
Found it.
Yeah, we thought he
ate it like a dog.
- Oh, hey, can we get a dog?
- No, no.
We are never getting a dog.
Okay.
I need to rinse
off my puke foot.
Dude!
You wasted the dog card.
Remember our plan?
Wait for Grandpa to die.
All right, I have
puke on my foot,
but at least I get to
go to the one place
I get some peace and quiet.
Mom!
Please don't tell me that you
are washing your delicates
while you...
wash your delicates.
I am multi-tasking.
Do you know how
much water costs?
Do you know how
much therapy costs?
Privacy, please.
Yes, fine. Fine. Fine.
So it's come to this.
My me-time consists of
the 30 seconds it takes
to wash my puke
foot in the sink.
At least the day is over.
Ugh, my neighbor's
stupid packages.
Now I have to go deal with that.
♪
Okay.
♪
Oh, my God. Look at this place.
I feel like I've died and
gone to a clean, quiet,
puke-free house.
Yes, pillows, I will "do me."
I'm ready.
Ready to manspread.
All up in my neighbor's tub.
Rubba-dub-dub.
Hey, guys.
- Move it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, you're glowing right now.
There's only one
reason why women glow.
- Moisturizing.
- Exfoliation.
- Collagen.
- Shoe sale.
- Microdermabrasion.
- Chin wax.
- Pregnancy?
- Menopause.
Uh-uh.
You're cheating on your husband.
No.
You little miss tarty-pants.
I just...
snuck away from my
family and took a bath
at my neighbor's house.
You're cheating with a house.
That's not a thing.
It's just that other
house is so new
and different and smells nice
and has the biggest
deck I have ever...
I'm cheating with a house.
Yeah, you wanna be careful.
There are a million ways
you could get caught.
- Trust me, I know.
- Ew.
- Chewey, you cheat?
- That's kind, but no.
No, I've been cheated
on many a time.
I guess I just have
one of those faces
that make you want
a different face.
Okay, okay.
So just tell me how
to not get caught,
because I have to
go back tonight.
Okay, first, you're gonna want
to have a bomb-ass cover story.
Keep it simple.
You're working late.
David asks any questions,
distract him with a compliment.
If he gets suspicious,
offer sex.
- Oh, that's good.
- Lastly,
no photographic evidence.
You're gonna want to
take deck pics...
we all do, everybody does.
You just gotta...
- No, no, no.
- God, that deck.
David keeps wanting to
put one in the back,
but I always say no.
♪
♪
Hey. You working late tonight?
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
No, everything's
fine, I just, uh...
just the way you said that.
Your voice was so low and sexy.
Yeah?
You wanna hear how low I can go?
Oh... stop, sexy!
I have to focus on the work
that I am really doing.
So, you'll be good
with my parents, then?
Oh yeah, baby, I'll be fine.
Just hurry home and...
Hello?
Is that an Alexa?
How can I help you?
Just that you would ask
me that means so much.
No one ever cares
about our needs.
Am I right, sister?
I mean, people just want
to take, take, take.
- You have kids, girl?
- Not yet.
I'm saving myself
for Jeff Bezos.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's a catch.
♪
- Oh, Maya.
- Hello.
Sonny's with the kids.
It's just us tonight, man.
- How intimate.
- Don't make it weird, weirdo.
Now, let's talk about
your finances.
So, I'm never going to
go to a nursing home.
What's your plan for that?
♪ I got the heart of a hustler ♪
♪ Passion of a grinder
I'm terrible.
This is, like, $1,000
worth of lotion.
Not my thousand.
Damn, I'm gonna be so smooth.
♪ Y'all know me ♪
♪ I make moves like a boss ♪
Private nurse...
walk-in tub...
a little fun money for
my gambling hobby...
and the total is...
Unthinkable, on
your meager salary.
♪ My neck, my back ♪
♪ My ♪
♪ Just like that ♪
♪ My neck, my back ♪
♪ My ♪
♪ Just like that ♪
Oh! Ah! I didn't
think you'd be up.
Hey, do you think we need
long-term care insurance?
Because your mom does,
and she has me thinking.
She has me really,
really thinking.
Oh, no, I wasn't there
for Humpty-David,
and my mom broke him.
Baby, you're so fit.
- You're gonna live forever.
- Mm.
You smell weird.
Did you go somewhere
after work or what?
- Wanna do me?
- Yeah.
♪
Oh, I can't wait to be
inside of you again.
What?
Nothing.
♪
Whoa.
Somebody got some
house last night.
Ugh.
I feel a little guilty,
but you can't deny the results.
I mean, I'm a better mom,
and I'm a better wife.
I had sex with my
husband on a weekday.
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
- Nice!
- Taking what I need
has made me a better woman...
'cause I'm a man.
Look, I'm all for
equality for women,
but not just so they can take on
all the worst qualities of men.
- But those are the fun ones.
- I don't know, Emet.
It seems to me like you're
getting a little cocky,
and when you get cocky,
you get careless.
Have you turned off
location tracking
on your phone? What about
"Find My Friends"?
"Find My Friends" is how
I caught my last ex.
Ironically, I found
her on my friend.
I have an idea.
I'll turn off "Find My Friends."
I literally just said that.
She stole my idea.
You are a man.
♪
Right before we execute you
for killing those girls.
I'll bring you your last meal.
- How's that?
- Sounds good to me, Ice-T.
Oh, I'm hungry.
Where is my food?
Oh.
Hi... ay-ay.
Your Postmates account
is linked to my email,
so when you order
food, I get an alert.
I got cocky.
Okay, David, I swear, I
was not running away
from you or the kids,
but my parents stole
my 20 minutes,
so I had to manspread
to get a better spot
in the human centipede.
Emet, Emet, all I have
to say to you is,
how dare you...
not let me in on this.
Oh, God, he wants in.
Just tell him you need space.
Tell him about the 20 minutes.
He'll understand.
Sure, yes! Get in here!
- Yeah?
- Yes!
- Yeah.
- What? Amazing.
Oh, this is gonna be great.
Okay, okay, here's
what we're gonna do.
A, we're gonna get
rid of those candles
because they're stinky.
B, I see some "Three
Stooges" DVDs.
We are gonna crush those.
First...
I am gonna carry you
to the bedroom.
Well, it's this or nothing,
so I pick this.
- I'm in.
- Yeah.
- Whoo!
- Oh.
- Whoa! Ow.
- Oop!
I should have warned you,
I went a little nuts
- with the lotion.
- Yeah.
So it was just my parents
watching the kids.
- That'll be fine, right?
- No!
Your parents are working late,
and they said no TV tonight.
Oh, come on, Grandma.
Come on.
When I was a kid,
we told stories.
The year was 1977.
A fever swept
through my village.
The village was Greenwich,
the fever was boogie,
and I tested positive.
Oh, no.
I'm feeling symptoms.
- ♪ I love dancing - ♪ Dancing
Guys, I've been thinking.
Are we really helping
things by telling Emet
- to turn into a dude?
- Hell, yeah.
She's finally taking
charge of her own life.
Who run the world? Dudes.
Yeah, but think
about it this way:
If Emet's a dude, who's
gonna take care of us?
She did let us keep Gummy Town.
Mm-hmm.
And she always has
Band-Aids in her purse.
She put a Post-It on my computer
that says, "Button your pants
before you stand up."
That's very helpful.
Neither of you two clowns
would do that for me.
Hey, president of
Emet's fan club,
you wanna get me
some gummy bears?
Yes. I will do that, Griff.
♪
- Oh!
- Don't look at my butt!
- Never not funny.
- That's actually not funny.
Despite David's invasion,
we were having fun.
♪
Hello.
Can you believe Mackenzie
wore a short wedding dress?
"Hi, I'm Mackenzie.
"I might walk down an aisle
or shimmy down a pole."
"Oh, hey, Mackenzie,
um, I'm a grown man
"that has other men
sign his clothing.
Will you marry me?" -
Aww, this is fun.
But I do feel a little bad
sticking the kids
with my parents.
Yeah, I do too.
Hey, let's eat these
peoples' cheese
- and do it in their clothes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Mine, mine. Figs, me.
♪ It's heaven on Earth
♪ When we're in a disco
♪ Doing our favorite moves
Ah!
Lily, please make them stop.
Grandpa?
Can you get us some fruit?
I'll pick you some fruit.
Picking fruit, picking fruit,
Picking fruit, picking fruit.
♪
I mean, this guy better
enjoy his disposable income
while he can, 'cause
once he has kids,
it is like...
diapers, karate,
braces, vasectomy.
And by the way,
you can say "ciao-maste"
to all your skimpy
little two-pieces
once you get that
C-section scar.
I love this. I love
hanging out with you,
- busting other couples.
- Whoo!
We're good at it.
This is all I need.
Like, this is the you I like.
Oh, you're a dead man.
"This is the me that you like"?
Uh-oh. No, undo. Delete,
delete, delete.
I just meant... I like
it when you're happy.
- Oh, you like that?
- Yeah.
- You like it when I'm happy?
- Well...
Everyone always likes it
when women are happy.
They... they want us to smile...
even that weirdo
that I... that I run
by in the mornings...
but nobody cares what
we actually need.
- I do!
- You...
I really do. Tell me.
You think you want to know.
People burn women at the stake
for having the dark and
scary needs that we have.
Sweetie, I have seen
three people come
out of your body.
I can handle your
dark and scary needs.
Fine. Sometimes I need a break.
- Okay.
- Even from you.
Witch!
♪
I mean, I thought we had fun
together, but the whole time,
you've actually needed
a break from me.
I mean, like, what else
aren't you telling me?
I mean, do you actually
not like my music?
Do you actually think
Caleb's gonna fire me?
David, listen to me. David, hey.
You are a great husband,
and Caleb is not firing you.
And I love being with you.
And do you hear what
I'm doing right now?
Helping me not spin out?
Yeah.
Which is probably...
a lot of work for you.
Yeah.
Look, it's not easy
for me to say this, but...
sometimes I need it
to just be about me.
Okay, but if that's
how you really feel,
then maybe you should
ask for a break.
Look, it's not that simple.
The world judges me differently.
When I need a
break, I'm selfish.
When you need a break,
you've earned it.
I mean, "Wow, what
a great husband.
Working and helping
with the kids?"
You change one diaper,
it goes viral.
I change a diaper, I get shamed,
because, you know, the
baby's not potty trained.
I'm sorry. I didn't
realize any of that.
Look, I can't change
the whole world,
but I can be the guy
that has your back
if you need a break.
So how about this? These
douchebags travel a lot,
and I'll bet you could
sneak back over here
and make this your
little retreat.
And I'll cover for you, okay?
Thank you.
- Wait, no...
- Oh, my God.
It was her idea!
Get undressed. Get undressed!
It was her idea!
She needed space!
Emet, I... I'm sorry,
but when I was on my fruit walk,
I thought I saw someone
robbing the neighbor's house.
Dad, you were robbing
the neighbor's house.
Quiet.
Fruit is free.
I'm a citizen.
Look, uh, that's between
you and your neighbors,
but right now you probably
have mild concussions.
Do you have someone who
could take care of you?
We'll be fine.
- Don't be stupid.
- Ow, Mom!
Daddy and I will stay
here for another week.
Now I must go relax
in a nice hot laundry bath.
♪
USA.
♪
Hey, Emet. Okay.
I know we told you we
wanted you to man up,
but now we'd really
like you to man down.
I... I don't know
what that means.
Now you can get your
20 minutes anywhere.
Sit here.
Little scared.
Oh, you guys made me a bathtub.
Oh. Hi, bubbly bubbly.
Hi.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, how'd you get
the water so warm?
This feels like a
private moment.
And we're live, here.
Oh, that is so bubbly.
I guess what I learned is,
as hard as it is to be needed,
it's even harder not
to be needed...
is the kind of crap women
are supposed to say.
Mom, Lily's taking revenge!
My beautiful curls!
Emet, let me hang
these chimes I found
on your neighbor's porch.
Your underwear got
mixed up with mine.
Are you a mother
or a prostitute?
Hey, guys... hey.
Stop. Yo. Hey, hey!
Stop! Everybody out.
Out of the living room. Go away.
Yes, good.
Babe.
You really heard me, didn't you?
I did.
Thank you.
Hey, is there room
for two in that tub?
- David.
- I'll go, yeah.
Ooh, look at me.
I'm a career woman and a mother.
Failing at both.
I'm David.
The bad man at work
makes me feel so sad.
I can't believe we have to stay
another week in this house.
Why can't we stay at a hotel?
What are we, white people?
our souls, don't we?
Yeah, I don't have time
to do yoga on the
beach at sunset.
This is my idea of relaxation.
I call this pose
"the reclining pig."
I get to hold it for
20 minutes a day
when the kids are finally asleep
and David's in the shower.
It's the only "me" time I get
because for every other
minute of every day,
someone needs me.
Oh, Emet! Emet! We need you!
Our VR game designs
need to be approved
before the concept
meeting tomorrow.
You guys were supposed
to get me those by 3:00.
Whoa, pretty demanding
for someone who took her
sweet-ass time at lunch today.
I took my baby to the doctor.
I held him down
while he got shots.
You came back with a lollipop.
It couldn't have been that bad.
The lollipop was my lunch.
Okay, all right. Go ahead.
Put it on the pile. I got this.
Yeah, yeah. Go, go, go.
Home stretch until I
get to my 20 minutes.
I just have to make dinner,
put the kids to bed,
clean up, say hi
to the husband...
oh, and pee.
- Like, now.
- Mom!
Louie flew his
helicopter into my hair!
It's no big deal, Mom.
I'll go get the scissors.
- No, no, no...
- No, you psycho!
I'll kill you!
Lily, don't call him a psycho!
And Louie, stop being a psycho!
Oh, you're home.
- Yeah.
- Good. Listen.
You know how I have trouble
reading Caleb at work?
- Yes.
- Well, I decided that today
was the day I was gonna
show him my new press plan.
This is the part of my day
where David spins
out and I reassure.
I call it putting Humpty-David
back together again.
That I like...
actually, that doesn't
sound good either.
Oh yeah, Caleb's gonna fire me.
Okay, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey.
Humpty... honey, Caleb
is not firing you.
You are the best PR person
that airline has ever had.
- I am?
- Yes, they are lucky
- to have you.
- You're right.
- Yes!
- Thank you, you're the best.
- Hey, you know what you need?
- What?
- How about a date night?
- Yeah.
- How about I just spoil you?
- Yeah.
Uh-huh. So just pick a place,
make a reservation,
get a sitter,
and I am there.
Oh, I cannot wait.
- Okay, I got it.
- I'll get it.
Hi.
It's your neighbor. How are you?
- Listen, Emert...
- It's Emet.
Oh. That's weird too.
Listen, Ren and I are
off to Budapest,
and I was wondering if
you're not, like...
- Mom, she's crazy!
- I'm gonna kill you!
Quiet!
If you're not too busy,
would you mind bringing
in our packages
and then agitating our compost
for us while we're gone?
This globetrotting
needs to stir her own garbage.
Tell her no!
Of course. I'd be happy to.
What the hell is wrong
with you, Emert?
Oh, my God, amazing.
Thank you so much,
and ciao-maste.
- Bye!
- Bye.
I know this looks overwhelming,
but as long as I can
get my 20 minutes,
I can handle anything.
Just dinner, clean-up, bedtime,
then a light at the
end of the tunnel.
- Hello.
- A pipe burst in our condo.
We need to stay here for a week.
Whichever bathroom
I use is mine.
I'm battling athlete's foot.
♪ Take, take, take control ♪
♪ Control of me ♪
♪ Take me, me, me ♪
♪ Take, take control of me ♪
Well, two more annoying
things on my plate.
My parents.
Maya, did you remember
to bring my fiber?
My love, have I ever
forgotten your fiber?
Oh, I've glimpsed our future,
- and I don't like it.
- It's bad.
Okay, I can get a bunch of
vouchers from the airline
and we can get them
a free hotel room
and put them in it for the week.
- A hotel?
- Yeah.
What, like they're
white parents?
Why don't you just spit on them?
Okay, they are going
to stay here,
and it will be terrible.
Deal with it.
As you can tell, we
are very excited
about these new
character designs.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, they're fine.
They're fine. Just fine.
Well, I'm spiraling.
Sorry, check back with me later.
Sorry, guys, they're good.
They're really good, okay?
It's just...
with my parents
staying, I just...
I have nothing left in the tank.
You know what your problem is?
I just told you
what my problem is.
No, okay, your problem
is the same problem
- that all women have.
- Oh, I know what it is.
- Um, osteoporosis.
- Bloating.
- Humidity.
- Iron.
- Dryness?
- Calcium.
- Uh, itching.
- Burning.
- Swelling.
- Transvaginal mesh.
- Leaks!
- Ah, leaks.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, okay, all those things,
but mainly women aren't
entitled enough.
- You gotta take what you want.
- It's true.
We socialize girls to
be less assertive.
I actually read about a study
where they asked women
what part of a human centipede
they would want to be,
and half of them wouldn't
even answer the question.
Yeah, my point is,
you're never gonna get
what you want if you keep
acting like a woman.
- You gotta manspread.
- Manspread.
Yeah. See, manspreading
is when a guy, or
man, sits on a subway
with his legs apart, or spread.
Okay, you don't need
to mansplain manspreading to me.
Look at the wussy way
you're sitting right now.
You're too polite to even
take up your own chair.
I can take up a chair.
That's not that hard
or just, like...
I can do the things
that you guys...
it's actually not... that's
not even comfortable.
You know what?
Manspreading is gross,
and I'm not doing it. I
know that I can handle this
in a dignified, lady way.
Like Meryl Streep in everything.
I will just meet everyone's
needs and eke out
a teeny tiny break for myself
without anyone ever knowing
or getting their feelings hurt.
Yeah, you'd definitely be
the worst part of the centipede.
Those guys were wrong.
Women can be any part of
the centipede they want.
I just need to preserve
my precious 20 minutes.
I can do it. I can...
Whoa.
What the "fuh"? Mom.
- What the "fuh"?
- I'll tell you "what the fuh."
This kitchen has no flow.
Cooking is a dance.
Stove, cooking the oil.
Instead, I'm reaching
for the spices,
and plastic bags is what I find.
- Mom.
- We're getting hangry.
Grandma says she can't
cook until she can dance.
- Mom.
- Emet?
I need a bucket and
some mild detergent.
Sonny, I asked you
to buy some fruit,
not steal fruit from
the neighbor's yard.
Who am I hurting?
I'm a quiet squirrel,
climbing over fences,
taking what I need.
Something moved!
- Something moved!
- Food!
- Food! Food! Food!
- Okay, okay, okay!
Okay! Cap it!
I will get take-out. David,
keep everyone alive,
but kill whatever's
in my dad's fruit.
There. Needs met.
No manspreading required.
See you soon, 20 minutes.
Okay! Hustle up, everybody!
Food's here! Oh, my God.
I need to sleep
with you tonight.
- I'm scared.
- What?
Channel 12 has footage
of this gruesome,
execution-style murder.
Suspect still at large.
- Hey.
- What does "at large" mean?
"At large" means
he's still out there
and could kill again.
- Dad!
- Oh.
Sorry, uh,
he or she could kill again.
Dad... okay, listen to me.
Let go, let go, let go.
I can't breathe.
Hey, honey, I will read you
an extra bedtime
story tonight, okay?
There goes 5 minutes off my 20.
Ew! Ew!
- Why is it wet?
- Oh, good.
I think that's where
Jake threw up.
Yeah, we heard the baby puke,
but we didn't see him puke.
Found it.
Yeah, we thought he
ate it like a dog.
- Oh, hey, can we get a dog?
- No, no.
We are never getting a dog.
Okay.
I need to rinse
off my puke foot.
Dude!
You wasted the dog card.
Remember our plan?
Wait for Grandpa to die.
All right, I have
puke on my foot,
but at least I get to
go to the one place
I get some peace and quiet.
Mom!
Please don't tell me that you
are washing your delicates
while you...
wash your delicates.
I am multi-tasking.
Do you know how
much water costs?
Do you know how
much therapy costs?
Privacy, please.
Yes, fine. Fine. Fine.
So it's come to this.
My me-time consists of
the 30 seconds it takes
to wash my puke
foot in the sink.
At least the day is over.
Ugh, my neighbor's
stupid packages.
Now I have to go deal with that.
♪
Okay.
♪
Oh, my God. Look at this place.
I feel like I've died and
gone to a clean, quiet,
puke-free house.
Yes, pillows, I will "do me."
I'm ready.
Ready to manspread.
All up in my neighbor's tub.
Rubba-dub-dub.
Hey, guys.
- Move it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, you're glowing right now.
There's only one
reason why women glow.
- Moisturizing.
- Exfoliation.
- Collagen.
- Shoe sale.
- Microdermabrasion.
- Chin wax.
- Pregnancy?
- Menopause.
Uh-uh.
You're cheating on your husband.
No.
You little miss tarty-pants.
I just...
snuck away from my
family and took a bath
at my neighbor's house.
You're cheating with a house.
That's not a thing.
It's just that other
house is so new
and different and smells nice
and has the biggest
deck I have ever...
I'm cheating with a house.
Yeah, you wanna be careful.
There are a million ways
you could get caught.
- Trust me, I know.
- Ew.
- Chewey, you cheat?
- That's kind, but no.
No, I've been cheated
on many a time.
I guess I just have
one of those faces
that make you want
a different face.
Okay, okay.
So just tell me how
to not get caught,
because I have to
go back tonight.
Okay, first, you're gonna want
to have a bomb-ass cover story.
Keep it simple.
You're working late.
David asks any questions,
distract him with a compliment.
If he gets suspicious,
offer sex.
- Oh, that's good.
- Lastly,
no photographic evidence.
You're gonna want to
take deck pics...
we all do, everybody does.
You just gotta...
- No, no, no.
- God, that deck.
David keeps wanting to
put one in the back,
but I always say no.
♪
♪
Hey. You working late tonight?
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
No, everything's
fine, I just, uh...
just the way you said that.
Your voice was so low and sexy.
Yeah?
You wanna hear how low I can go?
Oh... stop, sexy!
I have to focus on the work
that I am really doing.
So, you'll be good
with my parents, then?
Oh yeah, baby, I'll be fine.
Just hurry home and...
Hello?
Is that an Alexa?
How can I help you?
Just that you would ask
me that means so much.
No one ever cares
about our needs.
Am I right, sister?
I mean, people just want
to take, take, take.
- You have kids, girl?
- Not yet.
I'm saving myself
for Jeff Bezos.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's a catch.
♪
- Oh, Maya.
- Hello.
Sonny's with the kids.
It's just us tonight, man.
- How intimate.
- Don't make it weird, weirdo.
Now, let's talk about
your finances.
So, I'm never going to
go to a nursing home.
What's your plan for that?
♪ I got the heart of a hustler ♪
♪ Passion of a grinder
I'm terrible.
This is, like, $1,000
worth of lotion.
Not my thousand.
Damn, I'm gonna be so smooth.
♪ Y'all know me ♪
♪ I make moves like a boss ♪
Private nurse...
walk-in tub...
a little fun money for
my gambling hobby...
and the total is...
Unthinkable, on
your meager salary.
♪ My neck, my back ♪
♪ My ♪
♪ Just like that ♪
♪ My neck, my back ♪
♪ My ♪
♪ Just like that ♪
Oh! Ah! I didn't
think you'd be up.
Hey, do you think we need
long-term care insurance?
Because your mom does,
and she has me thinking.
She has me really,
really thinking.
Oh, no, I wasn't there
for Humpty-David,
and my mom broke him.
Baby, you're so fit.
- You're gonna live forever.
- Mm.
You smell weird.
Did you go somewhere
after work or what?
- Wanna do me?
- Yeah.
♪
Oh, I can't wait to be
inside of you again.
What?
Nothing.
♪
Whoa.
Somebody got some
house last night.
Ugh.
I feel a little guilty,
but you can't deny the results.
I mean, I'm a better mom,
and I'm a better wife.
I had sex with my
husband on a weekday.
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
- Nice!
- Taking what I need
has made me a better woman...
'cause I'm a man.
Look, I'm all for
equality for women,
but not just so they can take on
all the worst qualities of men.
- But those are the fun ones.
- I don't know, Emet.
It seems to me like you're
getting a little cocky,
and when you get cocky,
you get careless.
Have you turned off
location tracking
on your phone? What about
"Find My Friends"?
"Find My Friends" is how
I caught my last ex.
Ironically, I found
her on my friend.
I have an idea.
I'll turn off "Find My Friends."
I literally just said that.
She stole my idea.
You are a man.
♪
Right before we execute you
for killing those girls.
I'll bring you your last meal.
- How's that?
- Sounds good to me, Ice-T.
Oh, I'm hungry.
Where is my food?
Oh.
Hi... ay-ay.
Your Postmates account
is linked to my email,
so when you order
food, I get an alert.
I got cocky.
Okay, David, I swear, I
was not running away
from you or the kids,
but my parents stole
my 20 minutes,
so I had to manspread
to get a better spot
in the human centipede.
Emet, Emet, all I have
to say to you is,
how dare you...
not let me in on this.
Oh, God, he wants in.
Just tell him you need space.
Tell him about the 20 minutes.
He'll understand.
Sure, yes! Get in here!
- Yeah?
- Yes!
- Yeah.
- What? Amazing.
Oh, this is gonna be great.
Okay, okay, here's
what we're gonna do.
A, we're gonna get
rid of those candles
because they're stinky.
B, I see some "Three
Stooges" DVDs.
We are gonna crush those.
First...
I am gonna carry you
to the bedroom.
Well, it's this or nothing,
so I pick this.
- I'm in.
- Yeah.
- Whoo!
- Oh.
- Whoa! Ow.
- Oop!
I should have warned you,
I went a little nuts
- with the lotion.
- Yeah.
So it was just my parents
watching the kids.
- That'll be fine, right?
- No!
Your parents are working late,
and they said no TV tonight.
Oh, come on, Grandma.
Come on.
When I was a kid,
we told stories.
The year was 1977.
A fever swept
through my village.
The village was Greenwich,
the fever was boogie,
and I tested positive.
Oh, no.
I'm feeling symptoms.
- ♪ I love dancing - ♪ Dancing
Guys, I've been thinking.
Are we really helping
things by telling Emet
- to turn into a dude?
- Hell, yeah.
She's finally taking
charge of her own life.
Who run the world? Dudes.
Yeah, but think
about it this way:
If Emet's a dude, who's
gonna take care of us?
She did let us keep Gummy Town.
Mm-hmm.
And she always has
Band-Aids in her purse.
She put a Post-It on my computer
that says, "Button your pants
before you stand up."
That's very helpful.
Neither of you two clowns
would do that for me.
Hey, president of
Emet's fan club,
you wanna get me
some gummy bears?
Yes. I will do that, Griff.
♪
- Oh!
- Don't look at my butt!
- Never not funny.
- That's actually not funny.
Despite David's invasion,
we were having fun.
♪
Hello.
Can you believe Mackenzie
wore a short wedding dress?
"Hi, I'm Mackenzie.
"I might walk down an aisle
or shimmy down a pole."
"Oh, hey, Mackenzie,
um, I'm a grown man
"that has other men
sign his clothing.
Will you marry me?" -
Aww, this is fun.
But I do feel a little bad
sticking the kids
with my parents.
Yeah, I do too.
Hey, let's eat these
peoples' cheese
- and do it in their clothes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Mine, mine. Figs, me.
♪ It's heaven on Earth
♪ When we're in a disco
♪ Doing our favorite moves
Ah!
Lily, please make them stop.
Grandpa?
Can you get us some fruit?
I'll pick you some fruit.
Picking fruit, picking fruit,
Picking fruit, picking fruit.
♪
I mean, this guy better
enjoy his disposable income
while he can, 'cause
once he has kids,
it is like...
diapers, karate,
braces, vasectomy.
And by the way,
you can say "ciao-maste"
to all your skimpy
little two-pieces
once you get that
C-section scar.
I love this. I love
hanging out with you,
- busting other couples.
- Whoo!
We're good at it.
This is all I need.
Like, this is the you I like.
Oh, you're a dead man.
"This is the me that you like"?
Uh-oh. No, undo. Delete,
delete, delete.
I just meant... I like
it when you're happy.
- Oh, you like that?
- Yeah.
- You like it when I'm happy?
- Well...
Everyone always likes it
when women are happy.
They... they want us to smile...
even that weirdo
that I... that I run
by in the mornings...
but nobody cares what
we actually need.
- I do!
- You...
I really do. Tell me.
You think you want to know.
People burn women at the stake
for having the dark and
scary needs that we have.
Sweetie, I have seen
three people come
out of your body.
I can handle your
dark and scary needs.
Fine. Sometimes I need a break.
- Okay.
- Even from you.
Witch!
♪
I mean, I thought we had fun
together, but the whole time,
you've actually needed
a break from me.
I mean, like, what else
aren't you telling me?
I mean, do you actually
not like my music?
Do you actually think
Caleb's gonna fire me?
David, listen to me. David, hey.
You are a great husband,
and Caleb is not firing you.
And I love being with you.
And do you hear what
I'm doing right now?
Helping me not spin out?
Yeah.
Which is probably...
a lot of work for you.
Yeah.
Look, it's not easy
for me to say this, but...
sometimes I need it
to just be about me.
Okay, but if that's
how you really feel,
then maybe you should
ask for a break.
Look, it's not that simple.
The world judges me differently.
When I need a
break, I'm selfish.
When you need a break,
you've earned it.
I mean, "Wow, what
a great husband.
Working and helping
with the kids?"
You change one diaper,
it goes viral.
I change a diaper, I get shamed,
because, you know, the
baby's not potty trained.
I'm sorry. I didn't
realize any of that.
Look, I can't change
the whole world,
but I can be the guy
that has your back
if you need a break.
So how about this? These
douchebags travel a lot,
and I'll bet you could
sneak back over here
and make this your
little retreat.
And I'll cover for you, okay?
Thank you.
- Wait, no...
- Oh, my God.
It was her idea!
Get undressed. Get undressed!
It was her idea!
She needed space!
Emet, I... I'm sorry,
but when I was on my fruit walk,
I thought I saw someone
robbing the neighbor's house.
Dad, you were robbing
the neighbor's house.
Quiet.
Fruit is free.
I'm a citizen.
Look, uh, that's between
you and your neighbors,
but right now you probably
have mild concussions.
Do you have someone who
could take care of you?
We'll be fine.
- Don't be stupid.
- Ow, Mom!
Daddy and I will stay
here for another week.
Now I must go relax
in a nice hot laundry bath.
♪
USA.
♪
Hey, Emet. Okay.
I know we told you we
wanted you to man up,
but now we'd really
like you to man down.
I... I don't know
what that means.
Now you can get your
20 minutes anywhere.
Sit here.
Little scared.
Oh, you guys made me a bathtub.
Oh. Hi, bubbly bubbly.
Hi.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, how'd you get
the water so warm?
This feels like a
private moment.
And we're live, here.
Oh, that is so bubbly.
I guess what I learned is,
as hard as it is to be needed,
it's even harder not
to be needed...
is the kind of crap women
are supposed to say.
Mom, Lily's taking revenge!
My beautiful curls!
Emet, let me hang
these chimes I found
on your neighbor's porch.
Your underwear got
mixed up with mine.
Are you a mother
or a prostitute?
Hey, guys... hey.
Stop. Yo. Hey, hey!
Stop! Everybody out.
Out of the living room. Go away.
Yes, good.
Babe.
You really heard me, didn't you?
I did.
Thank you.
Hey, is there room
for two in that tub?
- David.
- I'll go, yeah.
Ooh, look at me.
I'm a career woman and a mother.
Failing at both.
I'm David.
The bad man at work
makes me feel so sad.
I can't believe we have to stay
another week in this house.
Why can't we stay at a hotel?
What are we, white people?