I Feel Bad (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Here's what every woman knows:

We feel bad about something

almost every day.

Like sometimes, I cheat on
my husband in my sleep.

Wait, babe...

Ugh.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, I know that look.

You had that dream
again, didn't you?

Yeah, I did.

Oh, but I am so cool
with it if you had



- a good dream too, babe.
- I dreamt a giant hawk

took the baby.

I'm gonna check on him.

Every morning is totally
nuts around here.

My kids act like psychos,
my husband can never

find anything, and I
eat expired baby food

for breakfast.

I never know what
I'll feel bad about,

but I know it's always
just around the corner.

Hello.

Mama's running off to work, huh?

Fancy career lady
abandoning her kids.

Come on, Ma, you were
a stay-at-home mom

and you still screwed up Emet.



- Right, babe?
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, let's be honest...
I don't have

a tiny nervous bald
spot for nothing.

I was a very good mother.

It's not possible for me to
have made all those healthy,

healthy snacks and
still screw you up.

You used to throw
your shoes at me.

And you would duck
like a tiger...

because of my healthy,
healthy snacks.

Mom, I don't need to
sculpt melon balls

to connect with my kids, okay?

I mean, I read with Louie,
I go to all of Lily's

- Quiz Bowl events...
- I quit Quiz Bowl.

My friends and I are gonna
do dance team instead.

- What do you mean?
- You quit Quiz Bowl?

- I hated it.
- Well, you don't have

to like it. You think
I like everything

- I do?
- Why can't you just be happy

I'm on the dance team?

I don't like dancing these days.

All that gyrating

and shaking.

Okay. Yeah, let's go

before this creeps in to
your long-term memory.

Go, go, go.

Come on, Jakey.

Honey!

Grandpa and I are going
to take you to our house

- where it's clean.
- I am so sorry

we can't afford a stranger
to take care of you.

Hmm.

Why do I even buy
all this fruit?

There you are. Let's
head home, Maya.

- Dad, what the hell?
- I'm sorry!

I... I thought you
were your mother.

- What?
- What?

You remind me of her sometimes.

Just in how you look
and sound and act

and where you carry your weight.

And there it is:

My feel-bad for today.

My dad smacked my ass
because he thought

I was my mom.

♪ Take, take ♪

♪ Control, trol of me ♪

♪ Take me, take me, take, take ♪

- All right.
- Kids are ready to go,

I am ready to go. Bye.

- Okay.
- Hey. Do you find

my mother attractive?

Is this 'cause I saw her
get out of the shower

that one time? I got
Bell's palsy from that.

Well, then how can you
find me attractive?

Because I already kind
of look like her,

and it's only gonna get worse.

Okay, this seems like a trap.

I mean, it's a good one,
I'll give you that.

- You know what?
- What?

You can't answer this question.

You love me.

I need a more objective opinion.

Wait, so you want me
to be into your mom?

I knew exactly where to
get my objective opinion:

I love my job.

I'm head artist at a
video game company,

We have air hockey, hover
boards, a rock wall...

the guys say it helps
their creativity.

Anyway, I'm the only
woman on my team.

Hey, guys. That's Norman.

He's sweet and sensitive.

Hux is spacey, Chewey's
damaged but smart,

- and Griff is all about Griff.
- At the same time.

They can be weird,
but we're buds

and I can talk to
them about anything.

Since we need a
female protagonist

for the new game,
I stayed up late

sketching more empowered
women for a change.

Not again.

Just give it a shot.

Look, check her out.
She's badass, right?

She looks like Tomb
Raider's boring aunt.

- Wow, Sasquatch.
- Uh-uh.

Okay, okay. How about her?

Come on, you know she can fight.

- Yeah, she's on roids.
- She looks like my dad.

I don't even know why I try.

- Who else has something?
- Uh, I got this sketch

of a dragon destroying
the Statue of Liberty.

It's not for work but
it's pretty cool.

Wait, really?

That? Okay, okay.

Sorry, just...

While we're sharing,
I just want to shift

the conversation a little bit.
Something happened

this morning, and I'm kind
of in my head about it.

So I just need you guys to be

really honest with me, okay?

Just tell me the truth.

I'm still do-able, right?

Uh...

- What... uh...
- Hypothetically speaking.

Sorry, I'm starting to spiral.
Could someone just jump in?

Anyone, say something.

I'm a "yes."

You do have a nice face.

Thank you, Norman. I
appreciate the honesty.

Yeah, but that...

that face doesn't seem so fresh.

- I like a fresh face.
- I would like to retract

my previous statement. I
also like a fresh face.

They're lying.

- We'd all do you.
- Interesting.

Interesting! Okay!

Hux, please continue.

It's like pizza:
even if it's not

the greatest pizza, some pizza
is better than no pizza.

Uh-uh. No, okay,

that analogy's flawed.

It's more like
pizza that's stale

and fallen between
the sofa cushions

versus pizza that's
hot and fresh.

That's what you mean, right?
Do we want, like,

older sofa pizza

that has three kids at home?

Is it just me, or
does pizza sound

really good right now?

Not talking about you.

♪

Okay, you know what?
Forget looks.

We all know that your
minds are warped

from drawing chicks with giant
bowling ball boobs all day.

By the way, if I woman
had those proportions,

- she'd snap in half.
- Bilaterally

- or top to bottom?
- I don't know, Chewey.

All I'm saying is having
a cool, fun personality

is way more important.

- True.
- Thank you.

- You kind of nag sometimes.
- Oh, yeah.

- What?
- And you're critical,

which is why I, hypothetically,
wouldn't do it with you.

I mean, I can just hear it:

"Chewey, your grunts
are too feminine.

"Chewey, how come your
belly's shaped weird?

Chewey, how can you be
this sweaty already?"

Chewey, you're grossing me out.

Yeah, that would be another one.

Okay, fine.

Maybe I have some flaws.

Well, you guys could stand to
take a look at yourselves.

I mean, when did nerds
get so damn picky?

Nerds are cool now.
We date models.

Right, Hawking?

Yeah. Good boy.

Good boy. Yeah.

♪

You know, at first I
was like, "Who cares

what those nerds think?"
But then I thought,

"Those guys have a point.

I can be critical and naggy."

I mean, when Lily told me
she's joining dance team

I treated her exactly the
way my mom treated me

- when I was her age.
- Crap.

- You threw your shoe at her.
- No!

My mother's the shoe-thrower.
But I did kind of crush

her spirit and act unsupportive.

You know what? I'm
gonna support her.

I don't have to turn
into my mother.

I'm a badass woman
with a will of iron.

You stopped yourself
giving birth to a baby

in a taxi, and you
were crowning.

Yeah, you're damn right I
did, because if I wanted

an Indian person to yell at
me while I was giving birth

I would have let my mom
into the delivery room.

Maya.

You look fetching.

I'm smitten by your
appearance this evening.

What's wrong with you, man?

Don't make me fight you for her.

- What are you doing?
- I'm addressing

- your concern from earlier.
- Don't do it like that.

It's weird.

All right, everyone,
Lily is very excited.

She wants to show us
her dance routine.

What dance?

You were supposed to
talk her out of it.

No, Mom. Unlike
you, I'm actually

supporting my daughter 100%.

Oh, maybe one day
she'll do crystal meth.

We can all support her.
Tweaked out as a family.

I am proud of Lily.

She's a strong young
lady who knows her mind

- and makes good choices.
- Are you guys ready?

Yes, yes! We're so ready!

We're ready!

♪

♪ Don't pull on my hand, boy ♪

Whoo-hoo!

♪ I'm just trying
to dance, boy ♪

♪ And move my hump ♪

♪ My hump, my hump, my hump ♪

Uh, okay.

♪ My lovely lady lumps ♪

♪ My lovely lady lumps ♪

♪ My lovely lady lumps

♪ In the back and in the front ♪

How am I supposed
to support that?

What the hell was that?

Where did I go wrong? Is
this because I let her

watch five minutes of
"Showgirls" that one time?

Nobody panic. I
saw on "Dateline"

that there's a camp for this.

They take the child away
in the middle of the night

and bring them back
completely reformed.

I thought Lily was amazing.

I would like to hear
more about this camp.

Camp is very expensive
these days.

Sweetie, either help
me or wait in the car.

- Car.
- Lily is such

a natural, right? I mean,
when she dropped it

- I really believed it was hot.
- Was it me,

or did it seem like
the word "booty"

was thrown around a
lot in that song?

I don't think "booty"
meant booty.

I think it was code...

- for vagina.
- I thought that too.

You know what? I guess I just

really appreciate
self-expression.

I'm going home to
take a hot bath.

Don't get too excited, man.

What?

Oh, my God, what was that dance?

Oh, my God, I knew
you were lying.

- Of course I was.
- That dance was very...

- Advanced.
- I know!

Girls mature faster these days.

It's something to do
with the hormones

in chicken or something.

It's why some of them
get boobs so young.

Chicken gives you boobs?
I eat chicken every day.

Am I gonna get chicken boobs?
Maybe I can eat

- more seafood.
- Okay, David, focus.

I am focused. We're telling Lily

that she cannot be
on the dance team.

No, no, we can't do that.
No, I refuse to shame her

over something that she loves
and she's excited about.

That is what my mom did to me
and it made me resent her.

I wanna be in the delivery
room when she gives birth.

- Don't you?
- Um, no.

Look, if Lily is passionate
about dance team,

we cannot be so... so
uptight and prudish.

We have to try to
understand and support her.

Oh, and seafood?

Full of mercury. Shrinks
your testicles.

So does hearing your
mom say "vagina."

You know what? I can do this.

I don't have to be like my mom.

I can be reasonable...

Rational, and even-handed.

I think I need to
sabotage my daughter.

Well, how do you want to do it?

Gaslighting, mind games,
Coup de Main acts?

Whoo!

Shenanigans, skullduggery,
gumming up the works.

You guys are sick.

Mind games, I guess?
Look, I just need Lily

to hate dancing and quit
without it getting traced back

to me, because I want
to watch her give birth

- one day.
- I hate to be a buzz-kill

but shouldn't we be working
on your un-bangable heroine

for our new game?

We have got to hire

- more women in this place.
- The kind of subtle

mental manipulation
you're hoping to unleash

on your kid is
basic "Inception."

Yep. You just, uh,
plant something

in Lily's head, and
she acts on it.

For example, I had a
friend at school, Teeny.

Okay, now he was bad news.

He drank; he smoked;

punched a lunch lady.

He was really cool.

Anyway, one day my mum decides

that she likes him.

Since then, I saw Teeny
as a total loser

- and I dropped him.
- Your mom poisoned the waters

- and got rid of Teeny.
- Not quite.

They were having sex.

Teeny's now my stepdad.

- That's right.
- All right, I'm gonna go

"Inception" my daughter.

Okay, remember: The
key to inception

is the more we're into it, the
more we ruin it for Lily.

Eventually she'll think it's
uncool and want to quit.

- Just make a big scene, okay?
- Easy enough.

- Go, Lily!
- Whoo-hoo!

Make it happen, girl.

Shake that booty, Lily.

Whoo!

God, she really is
shaking that booty.

Arms! Sashay!

- Whoo!
- Candlestick!

- Lead pipe!
- Are you just shouting

- weapons from "Clue"?
- Yeah, on "Dance Moms"

- they just shout stuff.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Shake it, Professor Plum!

- It's not working.
- We need to step it up.

Let's do our routine
from college.

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪

And snake, and snake, and snake.

Kid 'n Play!

Whoo-hoo, Lily!

Mom, what are you doing here?

I'm showing my support.

It's how I used to get you to
quit things I didn't like.

Go, Lily!

Grandma says, shake your bacon!

Great, not only did
my mom and I have

the same diabolical plan,
but Lily didn't quit.

I forgot she actually likes me.

Before I gave up, there
was one more thing

I could get the guys
to do to fix this.

Guys...

- "Inception" backfired.
- I'm kind of relieved.

It was pretty anti-feminist
to refuse Lily

the dignity of her
choice to dance.

Talk about keeping women locked
in a hegemonic power structure.

Norman, I usually love
discussing the finer points

of feminism with
you, but you're, uh,

- stepping on a giant boob.
- You think

this is comfortable for me?

I'm stuck up here and
no one will help.

Hold that thought. I
have another idea,

but I'm gonna need
your assistance.

Great. Uh, we're in.

Wow, that was easy.

You guys are really
invested in my kid issues.

Well, we don't
really have a life.

But I thought nerds
date models now.

Yeah, they do.

Just not us, specifically.

No, I... I dated
that foot model.

Wow, that's a stretch.

Okay, come on.

What... hey...

where'd you guys go?

I really need to pee.

- Oh, no.
- They're putting me through.

Uh, Principal Friedman, please.

I couldn't exactly call
the school and tell them

to shut down the dance team...
but Griff could.

Principal Friedman?

This is Mr. Wainwright.

Sir, I'm a very concerned,
very Christian parent

of a young girl at your school.

Now, my little sweet angel

is on this very sexist,

- very demeaning dance team...
- Right.

Yeah, tell me, sir, would
you ever have boys doing

these type of
unlawful gyrations?

I say shut it down, sir.

I couldn't agree more.

My... my daughter's name is...

- No video game characters, no.
- Athena.

- Annah-of-the-Shadows.
- Bayonetta.

- Xena.
- Princess Peach.

- Her name is...
- Liz.

Chun Li, sir.

- Chun Li Wainwright.
- "Street Fighter."

That is just fantastic.

We'll... we'll talk soon, okay?

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Bless... bless Him.

- What?
- Uh, Principal Friedman says

he's going to take
immediate action.

- Yes.
- All right.

- Thank you, Griff.
- That's so cool.

You tell people
you're religious,

and they just, like,
listen to you.

I'm so sorry.

I know I've put a lot on you,

but raising kids
is hard, you know?

You always have to be there.
You have to keep

your eye on them,
always protect them.

You can't just... you
can't leave them dangling

without any support, you know?

Where's Norman?

No. Is he still on the wall?

Oh...

Yes.

That's why I never
let go of boobs.

Hi, cute family.

And I missed you

- And Simone.
- Oh yeah.

I ran out of food, but
your mother made me

- curried chickpeas.
- You're in a good mood.

And now to ruin it:

we got an email from
Lily's school...

- Mom.
- What?

Somebody called and
complained and said that

our dance team is sexist.

Ugh, what a loser.

- I am so sorry...
- So they're adding boys!

I get to dance with boys.

Chun Li's parents are awesome!

♪

♪ I met a girl down
at the disco ♪

♪ She said, "Hey, hey, hey" ♪

I don't understand
how this happened.

♪ Let's spend time not money ♪

♪ And mix your milk ♪

When's the last time
you saw "Inception"?

♪ Milky, milky cocoa ♪

- What?
- I've been on

these message boards
about, you know,

like, climbers and
stuff, talking to guys

- who were up on Everest.
- Mm.

They're kind of the only
ones who can relate to me

at this point.

People that have
fallen off of Everest?

Well, it's just, like,
the culture of climbers

and, like, I'm just
really in the...

- I'm into that community now.
- Mm.

Hey, I'm sorry we left
you up there, okay?

I guess drinks are on us.

And I can't move around
too well, so one of you

has to feed me chicken
wings and one of you

- has to help me pee.
- I call chicken wings.

- I'll do pee.
- Oh.

Oh, I can't watch.

Talk about backfiring.

The guys have to see this.

♪ And move my hump ♪

Oh, no.

Oh, they've let a boy
join Lily's dance team.

Emet's just sent a video.

Oh... okay, okay.
David, I'm sorry,

I just... I was
trying to protect her

from having to do...

that without being the
one to crush her spirit.

Well, you know what,
Emet, it didn't work.

And now our
daughter's milkshakes

literally brought all
the boys to the yard.

- God, he's strong.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, I do not like the way

he's looking at her.

This happens in schools?

Ugh!

I bet Lily will fart in
front of him, freak out,

and this will solve itself.

You should have fed her
your curried chick peas.

She would have blasted him away.

Parenting is so
emotionally draining.

I'm exhausted from
worrying about Lily.

Can we just go five minutes
without talking about the kid?

Besides, there's a hot girl

right over there.

How can you tell?
She's turned away.

I sent the drone over there
to check out the face.

Oof, Hawking did good.

Now that's a fresh face.

Okay, okay, okay.

I was hoping to avoid
being the bad guy

for a little longer,
but obviously we have

- to end this right now.
- I know you're concerned

about what Lily's reaction is
gonna be, but if you're cool

and you're chill...

it'll be nothing like the
way Maya was with you.

- You know what? I agree.
- Right?

Yes.

Oh, my God, is he
motorboating her?

- Cool and chill!
- Hi... no, no, no.

I'm so chill. Hey, Lil,
can we just, like,

- talk for one quick sec?
- Mom, we're practicing.

Yeah, no, I know. I saw that.

That was really neat.

Here's a thing: Um,
I am totally cool

with self-expression... really am...
I just feel like

maybe we should have a
little conversation

about what this looks
like to other people.

I knew the mom was
gonna be uptight.

It's just dancing.

Hey there, little
"Magic Mike" wannabe.

- Nope.
- Okay.

No, you know what? That
is not just dancing.

That was actually the
most disturbing display

of child gyrating I've seen
since Sia made that little girl

dance in a cage
with Shia LaBeouf.

And by the way,
these costumes...

Wow.

These are exactly the kind of
clothing that makes juries

extremely unsympathetic
to victims.

Oh, so, yes, I'm all
up in the tightness,

'cause I just watched
my little baby show me

how reproduction works.

I'm sorry, when did kids'
dancing become all,

you know, "Oh, here!
Here are my legs!

Wide open!" And I don't
wanna say drop it

like it's hot 'cause
you're too young

to be hot.

And I don't wanna see the
twerking and the working

and the jiggling and
the gyrating...

My entire childhood

flashed before my very eyes.

Sweetie?

Oh, my God.

I just flung my shoe at a child.

I really am my mother.

♪ Pulled up about
6:00 in the morning ♪

Hello, there. I see
you've met Hawking,

my drone.

Are you guys nerds with money

like the Facebook
guy or just nerds?

I have a decent credit
limit for my age.

- Oh, dear.
- Excuse me.

Emet told Lily she
can't do dance team.

- It did not go down well.
- Lily's gonna be so pissed.

Well, what choice did Emet have?

The girls are growing up

in such an oversexualized world

I mean, just look
at our video games.

- Yeah.
- Don't look at me like

I'm part of the problem.
I care about women.

I'm about to buy this
nice lady a drink.

What can Hawking and
I get you, there,

beautiful person?

I guess I'll have a
vodka cranberry.

Oh, no.

Are you okay?

What are you doing?

You're a bad person, Griff.

I was talking to both of them.

♪ Hey, sexy mama, show me ♪

♪ Hey, sexy mama, show me ♪

♪ Hey, sexy mama, show me ♪

You know, at least
Tucker's all right.

The shoe bounced right
off his six-pack.

God, he's strong.

Can't believe you embarrassed me

in front of him.

I held in my farts for nothing.

That's bad.

Who are you texting?

Okay, that... no,
that's a mean thing

to say about your mother.

I'm gonna put more
parental controls on this.

Will you... help me do that?

Look, Lily, I am sorry.

I really am.

I think you're a great dancer.

And I think you should
keep doing it...

just not on that dance team.

And not like that.

Oh, God, and not
in that costume.

I was in the yard when
you went loony, Mom.

- I know.
- Okay, maybe I was turning

into my mom a little.

- Here's your shoe.
- But at least I was trying

to be a better version of her.
Good night, Mom.

Oh, God, are we wearing
the same jean jacket?

Right. This is the worst day

of my life.

At least my journey
inspired someone else

to be the best version
of themselves, too.

- I think that's...
- Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Emet.

The four of us dudes
couldn't stop thinking

- about your little girl.
- That's a sentence

- I never wanna hear.
- So we took your sketches

and managed to come up with
a strong female protagonist

for the new game.

We thought it would be
cool to make a character

that's a role model for
girls instead of...

bowling ball boobs.

Aww, you guys!

Seriously, you're gonna try
and pretend that's your idea?

I've been trying to
do that forever.

Why do guys take women's
stuff and pretend

they've just brilliantly
come up with it?

Because it's been working
for the last 10,000 years.

I really do like her.

Yeah.

Plus she's gonna be really
hot when she gets older.

You're a bad person, Griff.

He knows.

♪

- Hello, everyone.
- Oh, hey, guys.

I got Louie that Hot
Wheels he wanted.

Okay, he doesn't need

- more toys, Mom.
- You don't know

- what they need.
- Oh, God.

I need to go.
Somebody take this.

Yes, yes, yes. Hey... Dad, hey,

I'm gonna walk Simone out.
Could you watch Jake?

Well, I was just
diagnosed with cataracts

in both eyes, so yes,

but not very well.

Did you hear that?
My dad can't see.

This is great. I don't
look like my mom yet.

- Amazing.
- All right, baby.

We gotta go.

What's wrong with you, man?

I don't know.

♪

Hey.

Well, that doesn't feel great.