I Feel Bad (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - I Miss Important Moments - full transcript
Creating a baby is one of
the greatest joys in life.
Oh, I don't mean my human babies.
They're awesome, but right now
I'm talking about my work baby.
To "Asako: Warrior Geisha"!
- Whoo!
- All right!
My first original game with
my name on it as creator
and I get to take it to the publishers.
And if they buy it,
we won't have to be stuck drawing
other people's big-breasted
she-roes anymore.
We get to draw my reasonably-breasted
- warrior geisha.
- Don't worry.
She's going to have a nice,
big juicy booty though.
No, that's not the point.
Okay, I still have a lot to
do on my pitch, you guys,
but this is going to be huge.
- To my baby!
- Yeah, to our baby.
What? No, my baby. Mine.
Which we helped with.
No, no, you helped as much as
David did when he held my hand
in the delivery room and said,
"Almost there, sport."
I'm the one who got stitched back up,
you know what I mean?
That's disgusting.
The only problem was,
while I was with work baby,
my real baby was about
to hit a milestone.
- Oh!
- Hey, what's going on?
Little Jakey almost walked.
He was so close.
I don't know what happened.
He just kind of... boop.
- Oh, my God.
- I pushed him over. For you.
But I can't keep doing it.
Every time he looks at me
with betrayal in his eyes,
it changes our relationship.
Come on, kids.
I missed all the kids' first steps.
Jake is my last shot.
Oh, don't beat yourself up about it.
You're a working mom with a badass job.
You're gonna miss stuff.
You can't be there for every
single moment of his life.
- That would be insane.
- Yeah. Insane.
So I guess I'm insane now.
Mama's not missing this.
Oh, so you can have, like,
a whole baby in here
but I can't have half a tuna sandwich?
Okay, listen to me,
I delivered these cute little legs,
so I deserve to see them walk.
And document it.
Oh, crap, I left my phone on my desk.
Okay, do me a favor and just watch him.
I'll be right back.
Don't influence him at all.
[Jake coos]
- What?
- Oh!
- No.
- [gasps]
Don't... oh!
Hey, hey!
Walking baby.
- Wow.
- Wow.
[laughs]
I got it. I got it, I got it, I got it.
What? What happened? What did you see?
- What?
- No, what? What happened?
Oh, my God, if you guys saw
my baby walk before I did,
I will burn this place to the ground.
- I mean, it was so beautiful!
- It was amazing.
No! Come on!
[upbeat music]
♪
- ♪
- _
I was feeling pretty guilty
about missing Jake's first steps
and David was talking me off a ledge.
- Sweetie.
- Yeah.
There's gonna be all
sorts of Jakey firsts
that you don't miss. Okay? I promise.
Oh, look. Something big
could be happening right now.
- What?
- What is it?
- [farts]
- Oh, nope. Just a poop.
Could've been a big one though.
Yeah, big deal. You know what?
Asako doesn't have to choose
between being a geisha
and a warrior, and neither should I.
I can have it all.
I've read that in books.
So I'm gonna nail my pitch on Friday,
and I'm not gonna miss
any more of the kids'
big accomplishments. Ska-doosh.
That's right. You know why?
You are the Warrior Geisha.
- I am.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
- This is a happy home.
- Wait for it.
- You're failing already.
You don't even know.
Lily has made it into the dance
regionals on... that's right,
Friday.
The same day as your pitch.
Sucka.
Oh, my God, you guys,
did Grandma tell you the news?
- She sure did! Yay!
- Yes.
- Dance regionals? What?
- Regionals.
Okay, on Friday! Friday!
Yay! What time on Friday?
- 6:00 at night.
- Oh, great. That's fine.
Because my pitch is at 2:00.
Plenty of time to get there. Sucka!
And I get to do a solo!
So on performance day,
I'm gonna need help with
my hair, makeup, spray tan, and costume
and there are a ton of
rehearsals this week.
Mom, I know you usually
miss those because of work.
Oof, right in the nuts.
But I was hoping you
can make it this time.
Please don't compare me to another mom.
Savannah's mom and
step-mom are gonna be there
and they haven't spoken in years.
And nuts crushed. Damn it.
This is the week I was supposed to be
preparing my pitch,
but I said I was gonna do it all,
- so I will.
- Lily.
- I will be there.
- Yes! Yes!
Why does a team of 11-year-olds
need this many dance rehearsals?
Clearly you've not seen "Step Up"
or "Step Up 2: The Streets."
The first half of rehearsals
are about finding your steps.
The second half is about
finding your heart.
Hi, I'm Rupi.
I'm a temp,
so I'm not totally sure what this means,
but someone named Damon Paul
wanted to confirm his meeting
with the Asako team this afternoon?
Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Confirmed, confirmed!
Just FYI, Damon is the CEO.
Uh, this is him right here.
So, just the minute he gets here,
please come find me
because I want Damon
to be abundantly clear
Asako was my idea, okay?
I created her.
I want him to congratulate me.
In a male-dominated world,
we women don't always get
credit for what we do.
But today, I am getting it.
I am getting the credit.
Cool.
Hey, heard your guys' baby walked.
- Congrats.
- Thanks.
- Thank you so much.
- It was a beautiful moment.
Honestly, it was majestic.
No, no. No, no. Stop talking. No.
Rupi, you should really just go.
- I like her.
- Sure you do.
Well, you know who she looks like?
- You.
- No.
I'm gonna call her "Fresh Emet."
Wow, that is ageist and
racist so congratulations.
Nothing felt better
than being here for Lily
'cause, really,
no one can take my place.
Excuse me. What is she doing here?
- Mom.
- Hmm.
What are you doing here?
I told you I was gonna come today.
I know, but you say a lot of things.
You also said you would buy me
tickets to "Hamilton."
and I've still to see one
bastard orphan son of a whore.
What's your point?
I know you want to manage
everything, beta,
but we both know that you won't be able
to keep your promise to Lily.
So why don't we just cut
out the middleman, man,
and I'll be there instead.
Are one of you Lily's mom?
Seriously?
Can I put you down for a duty?
There's snack duty,
water duty, booty short duty.
Okay, yes. [clears throat]
I am Lily's mom and I will
sign up for snack duty.
'Cause it sounds like the least
worst of all those options.
Great, and just FYI, for rehearsals,
moms sit at the back.
It's a coach mandate and that is on me.
I get real yelly.
Anyway, we all make signs
so they know we're here.
Guys! Guys, guys, guys.
We have, like, one hour
before Damon gets here, so... what?
What's happening? What? What happened?
Damon came early and took
us to a Japanese whisky bar.
No! No, no, no, no, no!
My pat on the back turned
into your whisky lunch?
It's no big deal.
[mocks English accent] Oh,
it's no big deal.
Of course it's a big deal!
That was supposed to
be my CEO face time.
[scoffs] I bet you're
all best buddies now.
I bet he gave you all
fun little nicknames like
Glasses, Brit, Molestache.
- No. Mm-mm.
- [chuckles]
It's Peach Fuzz, Mr. Bean,
and Teddy Ruxpin,
- Yeah, they're good...
- That was a good one!
- That feels like it's me.
- That was crazy.
See? This is what happens to women.
I... I'm being shut out.
Even though I created Asako,
in his mind,
you guys deserve the credit.
Now I have just become all,
you know, "Oh, and Emet too."
That's not true, okay?
He's invited us all out
for drinks tomorrow.
Really, he did? Okay, what did he say?
He said, "We should all go
out for drinks, the bros...
Oh, and Emet too."
Oh, [bleep].
It doesn't matter. I can't go anyway.
Lily's got rehearsal.
I can't be in two places at once.
It's just...
Or could I?
Hey Rupi, uh, let me ask you something.
You, uh, do a lot of jobs, right?
- Yeah.
- You like money?
- Yeah.
- You don't really judge people
on things they might need?
This happened to me at
the Canadian border once.
The answer is no.
Oh, no, no. I'm not a drug trafficker.
Just... [clears throat] overwhelmed mom.
Oh. What did you have in mind?
Walk with me.
The plan was perfect.
Lily would see fake-me,
and then fake-me would rush
off before she was done
and text her that I had
to get back to work.
The important thing was I was there
and as for the dance moms...
Hi, Emet!
And hello to you, unintentional racism.
Thank you for your help today.
While Rupi was at rehearsal,
I was finally in the Boys'
Club and it was awesome.
So I said, "What the Musk, Elon?
Leave some caviar
for the rest of us." Right?
For my career. Awesome for my career.
I love this guy. I love you.
I love you too, brother.
Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
More Nikka Yoichi for my buds,
Peach Fuzz, Mr. Bean,
- Teddy Ruxpin!
- Whoo!
Oh, oh, and Emet too.
Actually, do you have any
of the Hibiki 30-year-old?
You into Japanese whisky too?
Uh, I don't know,
does the Chichibu Matsuri 2017
offer surprising complexity
and depth considering its age?
- Yeah.
- Yes! Yeah, it does.
Well, speaking
of killer Japanese products,
where'd you guys come up with the idea
for "Asako: Warrior Geisha"?
I... Japan.
- We worked.
- Yeah, uh...
Nope, don't know what's going on there.
Uh yeah, no, no, that was me. Yeah.
I was drawing a geisha
for a different video game
and I just kind of thought
that she's pissed enough
to do some killing.
[laughs] I can relate to that.
- Can't we all?
- Dope!
- Yup.
- Brilliant. That's brilliant.
Thank you. Thank you!
Uh, you know, it's funny.
I have been busting my ass to
make sure we nail this pitch
on Friday, and if it goes well,
I would love the opportunity
to just, sort of,
run some more pitches by you and I...
I had this thought, you know,
about, like, Russian ballerinas
who are also killers.
- Yes!
- Yes.
I freaking love ballet.
Who freaking doesn't?
- I love it!
- What... and then the killing?
I want to hear every idea you got,
Whisky Mama.
Okay, I have so many. Whisky Papa.
Yes, I got a nickname!
God, that's strong.
And babe, I even got a nickname.
- Mm-hmm?
- I'm Whisky Mama.
- Ooh.
- [burps]
Oh, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm tasting that.
- Yeah.
- Wait, what time were drinks?
Lily said you made it to her rehearsal.
What can I say? I'm Superwoman.
- Kiss me.
- Hmm?
Oh, wait, we also had garlic fries.
I'm not above that,
but first you have to tell me
how you were in two places at once.
[sputters]
Wait, wait. You're telling me
you hired an Indian woman
to swap places with yourself?
Oh, okay, you know?
You love stunt doubles so much
but when I do it, I'm a monster.
Okay, I don't love stunt doubles.
I just think they should be recognized.
Like, how is that not a
category in the Academy Awards?
How come you didn't come to me for help?
Um, you don't look Indian.
David, I didn't ask you because
I wanted Lily to see me there.
Okay?
When dads don't show up,
they don't get dinged.
And when they do and they just show up,
they get bonus points.
When moms don't show up, we're bad moms.
I understand that the double
standard is messed up.
- It is.
- If Lily finds out
that you hired a lady to... yeah,
I'm not even gonna finish
the sentence, Emet.
Just, I think you should go to Lily,
tell her you got overextended,
she will understand.
All right, all right, all right.
- Can I get that kiss?
- Yeah.
- Ooh, no. I'm above that.
- Yeah, it's bad.
Hey, peanut,
I need to talk to you, okay?
I, um... ooh, oh! What is this for?
Thanks for being there today.
It was so cool to look out and see you.
I think you made me dance better.
I can't wait for you
to see the next one.
We added triple pirouettes.
Oh. Yeah, no. She's so happy.
I can't do this.
Triple pirouettes!
Well, you know what I am?
Triple excited to see them when
I'm there every day this week.
Okay, I'm going to hell.
Over the next few days,
I used Rupi to help me
be the best dance mom I could be.
And I focused on getting
my big pitch ready.
There was still so much to do.
But for once,
I felt like I was doing it all
and not disappointing everyone.
Including myself.
Besides, I wasn't missing everything.
I wanted to be there,
so when I could be, I was.
Oh, excuse me.
- [cheering]
- Hi. Hi, hi, hi.
Give me the hat. Get the hat. Yup.
Good, good, good.
Oh, thanks so much. You can go now.
- Oh, God.
- Hello!
This was a stupid plan, man.
- I know.
- What's wrong with you, man?
You do anything for money? Here.
Here's $10. Get some morals.
Okay, I have my own Indian
mom to make me feel like crap.
You're on your own, Emet.
And with that, I lost my doppelganger
and my way to do it all.
Beta, when are you going to learn?
It's impossible to have it all.
You have to make a hard choice,
like Muriel Street
in that movie, "Sophie's Decision."
Mom, it's... You know what? Never mind.
Look, I love my job and I love my kids
and I can be there for
both all by myself, okay?
Women do it. Like... Kelly Ripa.
That's a great example.
Anyway, the point is,
this is the home stretch, Ma.
I got this.
Mom, can you start on my costume now?
Yes. Hell yes, I can. Let's do it.
Great! Since I'm the phoenix,
I'm gonna need two wings
75 feathers per wing,
and each one has to be spray-painted
ombre red to-gold. See you later.
See ya.
Now what, Kelly Ripa?
Fine, you're right.
I got to make a choice.
And I choose not to sleep anymore.
To Target we go for
Red Bull and feathers.
I got this.
With the help of my friends,
Cup O'Noodles and Red Bull,
I was gonna finish my pitch
and finish Lily's costume.
I can do this. All right.
Five seconds of painting for Lily
and five seconds of painting for work.
♪
I got to be honest, Mom.
Your job looks like it's super not-fun.
Lily, listen to me. It is fun.
It's also hard but when
you care about something,
you do whatever it takes
to achieve it, okay?
And because I've had an
unsafe amount of Red Bull
and I lost the ability
to filter my thoughts,
I will also share this:
as a woman,
you might have to work extra hard.
- Mom.
- What?
You have noodles in your hair.
Yeah, no, I know, I know, I know.
- Okay, just go to bed.
- You okay?
- Yes.
- Um, I put the baby to bed.
Ooh, oh, God! Thank you! Thank you.
Wow. How many of those have you had?
Nine.
- Ten.
- Okay, well,
- I'm here if you need me.
- Yes.
Like, to take you to the hospital
when your heart stops.
Thank you,
you are the best husband ever!
Am I yelling?
No, I'm definitely not yelling.
♪ Supercalifragilistic ♪
♪ Ambionic, go ballistic ♪
♪ Coldest summer Chain and wrist lit ♪
♪ Automatic Sonic facelift, uh ♪
♪ One time gotta hit 'em with the, uh ♪
Louie.
- What are you doing up?
- What I do every night.
Midnight grilled cheese and
some YouTube deep dives.
Am I hallucinating?
Yes.
Oh, God.
Nine is too many. Nine is too many.
Nine is too many. Nine is...
- Okay, okay.
- You look terrible.
I'm going to give you one last
chance to ask me to cover.
Otherwise, before Lily's show,
I'm going to go out
to dinner with my
girlfriends at Bubba Gump's.
It's fine, Mom, okay?
I... I'm ready for my pitch
and for Lily's big day.
Wow, at least I will be after I shower.
- Are those the wings?
- Yes, they are!
- Sick.
- Wow, those are sick.
- Yeah.
- You're gonna be there
way early to help me
put those on, right?
Yes, I am. I'm gonna be there
to help you get ready,
and to run through your rehearsal.
I got you, girl.
Thanks, girl.
You guys, why are we
out of bread and cheese?
Uh...
Who knows? [chuckles] It's a mystery.
You left the grilled cheese pan
out last night, but I washed it.
Cover your tracks, Ratatouille.
When it was time for
the big presentation,
I wasn't nervous at all.
I'm only pacing 'cause if I sit down,
- I'll for sure pass out.
- Uh, Damon just texted.
"The publishers hit traffic.
ETA is half an hour."
[sighing] Okay. All right. It's okay.
Still plenty of time
to get to Lily's thing.
Just got to keep the blood flowing.
Got to keep the blood flowing.
[breathing in and out rapidly]
- _
- That's it. I'm out.
I got to go be with my daughter.
You guys will just have to
pitch the game without me.
Have fun getting high-fives,
pats on the back,
credit that should've been mine.
[text chimes]
Oh, hold on. They're parking right now.
It doesn't matter.
Time waits for no mom.
I can't have it all. I was wrong.
♪
Is what a loser would say. Ha ha!
[alarm blaring]
- What the hell are you doing?
- Being a freaking winner!
Griff, get your scooter!
We gotta weave through traffic.
Oh, okay, it's not a scooter.
It's a Vespa and it's
a way of life, actually.
Andiamo!
She's crazy!
Pardon me. Sorry! Hi, hi, hi.
How do I get backstage?
I need to help Lily get ready.
Oh, all the girls are ready already.
Okay, did someone help Lily?
I don't know but if Lily's not ready,
my Caitlin's ready to do her solo.
Oh, is she? Is she?
Over my dead body, Caitlin's mom!
I'm the worst mom ever.
I promised to be here, I wasn't,
and my daughter had no one to help her.
- Mom.
- Hi. Hi, honey. Hi.
Oh, my God, you look amazing!
I'm so sorry I didn't make it.
Oh, God, did Grandma skip
Bubba Gump to come help you?
She's never gonna let me live that down.
- No, I did it all myself.
- What?
You did this? Even the hair?
How did you do that?
When you really care about something,
you figure out a way to make it happen.
Like you do with work.
Oh, honey.
Shoot.
Are you saying that I've
been a good role model?
Even though I sometimes
miss out on stuff?
- Oh, no, don't cry.
- No, I know it's too late,
Lily, you hit me
right in the old heart nuts.
I'm sorry, now you're gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry. I have lashes on.
All right, well,
that's because you're a child
and this moment is lost on you,
just know that.
You go rise, my little phoenix, okay?
- You go rise.
- Love you, Mom.
I love you. I love you all!
Future is female!
Maybe it doesn't matter so much
if I miss little moments here and there.
It's what I'm doing in my big moments
that my kid is watching.
And she cool. She real cool.
Oh, hey dude! Hey, Norman texted.
They cleared up your
whole fire alarm mess
and they're setting up the
pitch meeting room right now.
So I should just probably go, right?
Yeah, and I can't go with ya.
My daughter's dance
competition is about to start
- and I can't miss it.
- Oh.
[gasps] So I'm not gonna!
- Yeah! Do it.
- Yeah! Oh, yeah!
- [alarm blaring]
- Andiamo!
- Run, run, run.
- I'm driving!
If my life were a video game,
today I'd be winning.
'Cause I found a pretty good cheat code
that has me scooping gold
coins left and right.
♪ Baby, let me put you on a team ♪
♪ We'll be living out your dream ♪
But I've been playing
long enough to know
that no matter how many walls I leap,
warriors I slay,
or Red Bulls I guzzle,
there's always gonna be
some gold coins I miss.
- I'm so, so sorry.
- Oh hey.
I did it. Oh, I did it.
I made it. I know, I got it.
[cheers and applause]
♪ All I do is win, win,
win no matter what ♪
♪ Got money on my mind
I can never get enough ♪
♪ And every time I step
up in the building ♪
♪ Everybody hands go up ♪
♪ 'Cause all I do is win, win, win ♪
♪ And if you goin' in,
put your hands in the air ♪
♪ Make 'em stay there
[cheers and applause]
That's my girl!
Whoo!
And the braid held!
Come here. You were amazing.
I believed you were a bird.
You were flying!
Lilies for my favorite Lily.
The best dancing phoenix
I've seen since the one I saw
rising from my father's
ashes in a nightmare
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm gonna go greet more fans.
Yeah, go do that.
Well, I don't know how you did it
and I don't think you'll
ever be able to do it again,
but I have to give you this one, beta.
Good job.
Thanks, Mom.
I did it, babe. I did it all.
- Like Kelly Ripa.
- You did.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Congratulations.
Okay, so maybe having it all
is a bull[bleep] concept.
It started as a thing
to make women feel good,
but now it just makes us feel
like we're not good enough.
So, damn it, we need a new phrase.
One that celebrates all the
moments we're there for.
A phrase like, like...
I'll think of one tomorrow. Night night.
- David?
- Yeah?
- I'm passing out.
- Huh?
- Gone.
- Oh!
Okay, all right, people.
Tired mom coming through.
Did it all. Move out of the way.
the greatest joys in life.
Oh, I don't mean my human babies.
They're awesome, but right now
I'm talking about my work baby.
To "Asako: Warrior Geisha"!
- Whoo!
- All right!
My first original game with
my name on it as creator
and I get to take it to the publishers.
And if they buy it,
we won't have to be stuck drawing
other people's big-breasted
she-roes anymore.
We get to draw my reasonably-breasted
- warrior geisha.
- Don't worry.
She's going to have a nice,
big juicy booty though.
No, that's not the point.
Okay, I still have a lot to
do on my pitch, you guys,
but this is going to be huge.
- To my baby!
- Yeah, to our baby.
What? No, my baby. Mine.
Which we helped with.
No, no, you helped as much as
David did when he held my hand
in the delivery room and said,
"Almost there, sport."
I'm the one who got stitched back up,
you know what I mean?
That's disgusting.
The only problem was,
while I was with work baby,
my real baby was about
to hit a milestone.
- Oh!
- Hey, what's going on?
Little Jakey almost walked.
He was so close.
I don't know what happened.
He just kind of... boop.
- Oh, my God.
- I pushed him over. For you.
But I can't keep doing it.
Every time he looks at me
with betrayal in his eyes,
it changes our relationship.
Come on, kids.
I missed all the kids' first steps.
Jake is my last shot.
Oh, don't beat yourself up about it.
You're a working mom with a badass job.
You're gonna miss stuff.
You can't be there for every
single moment of his life.
- That would be insane.
- Yeah. Insane.
So I guess I'm insane now.
Mama's not missing this.
Oh, so you can have, like,
a whole baby in here
but I can't have half a tuna sandwich?
Okay, listen to me,
I delivered these cute little legs,
so I deserve to see them walk.
And document it.
Oh, crap, I left my phone on my desk.
Okay, do me a favor and just watch him.
I'll be right back.
Don't influence him at all.
[Jake coos]
- What?
- Oh!
- No.
- [gasps]
Don't... oh!
Hey, hey!
Walking baby.
- Wow.
- Wow.
[laughs]
I got it. I got it, I got it, I got it.
What? What happened? What did you see?
- What?
- No, what? What happened?
Oh, my God, if you guys saw
my baby walk before I did,
I will burn this place to the ground.
- I mean, it was so beautiful!
- It was amazing.
No! Come on!
[upbeat music]
♪
- ♪
- _
I was feeling pretty guilty
about missing Jake's first steps
and David was talking me off a ledge.
- Sweetie.
- Yeah.
There's gonna be all
sorts of Jakey firsts
that you don't miss. Okay? I promise.
Oh, look. Something big
could be happening right now.
- What?
- What is it?
- [farts]
- Oh, nope. Just a poop.
Could've been a big one though.
Yeah, big deal. You know what?
Asako doesn't have to choose
between being a geisha
and a warrior, and neither should I.
I can have it all.
I've read that in books.
So I'm gonna nail my pitch on Friday,
and I'm not gonna miss
any more of the kids'
big accomplishments. Ska-doosh.
That's right. You know why?
You are the Warrior Geisha.
- I am.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
- This is a happy home.
- Wait for it.
- You're failing already.
You don't even know.
Lily has made it into the dance
regionals on... that's right,
Friday.
The same day as your pitch.
Sucka.
Oh, my God, you guys,
did Grandma tell you the news?
- She sure did! Yay!
- Yes.
- Dance regionals? What?
- Regionals.
Okay, on Friday! Friday!
Yay! What time on Friday?
- 6:00 at night.
- Oh, great. That's fine.
Because my pitch is at 2:00.
Plenty of time to get there. Sucka!
And I get to do a solo!
So on performance day,
I'm gonna need help with
my hair, makeup, spray tan, and costume
and there are a ton of
rehearsals this week.
Mom, I know you usually
miss those because of work.
Oof, right in the nuts.
But I was hoping you
can make it this time.
Please don't compare me to another mom.
Savannah's mom and
step-mom are gonna be there
and they haven't spoken in years.
And nuts crushed. Damn it.
This is the week I was supposed to be
preparing my pitch,
but I said I was gonna do it all,
- so I will.
- Lily.
- I will be there.
- Yes! Yes!
Why does a team of 11-year-olds
need this many dance rehearsals?
Clearly you've not seen "Step Up"
or "Step Up 2: The Streets."
The first half of rehearsals
are about finding your steps.
The second half is about
finding your heart.
Hi, I'm Rupi.
I'm a temp,
so I'm not totally sure what this means,
but someone named Damon Paul
wanted to confirm his meeting
with the Asako team this afternoon?
Yes! Yes, yes, yes.
Confirmed, confirmed!
Just FYI, Damon is the CEO.
Uh, this is him right here.
So, just the minute he gets here,
please come find me
because I want Damon
to be abundantly clear
Asako was my idea, okay?
I created her.
I want him to congratulate me.
In a male-dominated world,
we women don't always get
credit for what we do.
But today, I am getting it.
I am getting the credit.
Cool.
Hey, heard your guys' baby walked.
- Congrats.
- Thanks.
- Thank you so much.
- It was a beautiful moment.
Honestly, it was majestic.
No, no. No, no. Stop talking. No.
Rupi, you should really just go.
- I like her.
- Sure you do.
Well, you know who she looks like?
- You.
- No.
I'm gonna call her "Fresh Emet."
Wow, that is ageist and
racist so congratulations.
Nothing felt better
than being here for Lily
'cause, really,
no one can take my place.
Excuse me. What is she doing here?
- Mom.
- Hmm.
What are you doing here?
I told you I was gonna come today.
I know, but you say a lot of things.
You also said you would buy me
tickets to "Hamilton."
and I've still to see one
bastard orphan son of a whore.
What's your point?
I know you want to manage
everything, beta,
but we both know that you won't be able
to keep your promise to Lily.
So why don't we just cut
out the middleman, man,
and I'll be there instead.
Are one of you Lily's mom?
Seriously?
Can I put you down for a duty?
There's snack duty,
water duty, booty short duty.
Okay, yes. [clears throat]
I am Lily's mom and I will
sign up for snack duty.
'Cause it sounds like the least
worst of all those options.
Great, and just FYI, for rehearsals,
moms sit at the back.
It's a coach mandate and that is on me.
I get real yelly.
Anyway, we all make signs
so they know we're here.
Guys! Guys, guys, guys.
We have, like, one hour
before Damon gets here, so... what?
What's happening? What? What happened?
Damon came early and took
us to a Japanese whisky bar.
No! No, no, no, no, no!
My pat on the back turned
into your whisky lunch?
It's no big deal.
[mocks English accent] Oh,
it's no big deal.
Of course it's a big deal!
That was supposed to
be my CEO face time.
[scoffs] I bet you're
all best buddies now.
I bet he gave you all
fun little nicknames like
Glasses, Brit, Molestache.
- No. Mm-mm.
- [chuckles]
It's Peach Fuzz, Mr. Bean,
and Teddy Ruxpin,
- Yeah, they're good...
- That was a good one!
- That feels like it's me.
- That was crazy.
See? This is what happens to women.
I... I'm being shut out.
Even though I created Asako,
in his mind,
you guys deserve the credit.
Now I have just become all,
you know, "Oh, and Emet too."
That's not true, okay?
He's invited us all out
for drinks tomorrow.
Really, he did? Okay, what did he say?
He said, "We should all go
out for drinks, the bros...
Oh, and Emet too."
Oh, [bleep].
It doesn't matter. I can't go anyway.
Lily's got rehearsal.
I can't be in two places at once.
It's just...
Or could I?
Hey Rupi, uh, let me ask you something.
You, uh, do a lot of jobs, right?
- Yeah.
- You like money?
- Yeah.
- You don't really judge people
on things they might need?
This happened to me at
the Canadian border once.
The answer is no.
Oh, no, no. I'm not a drug trafficker.
Just... [clears throat] overwhelmed mom.
Oh. What did you have in mind?
Walk with me.
The plan was perfect.
Lily would see fake-me,
and then fake-me would rush
off before she was done
and text her that I had
to get back to work.
The important thing was I was there
and as for the dance moms...
Hi, Emet!
And hello to you, unintentional racism.
Thank you for your help today.
While Rupi was at rehearsal,
I was finally in the Boys'
Club and it was awesome.
So I said, "What the Musk, Elon?
Leave some caviar
for the rest of us." Right?
For my career. Awesome for my career.
I love this guy. I love you.
I love you too, brother.
Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
More Nikka Yoichi for my buds,
Peach Fuzz, Mr. Bean,
- Teddy Ruxpin!
- Whoo!
Oh, oh, and Emet too.
Actually, do you have any
of the Hibiki 30-year-old?
You into Japanese whisky too?
Uh, I don't know,
does the Chichibu Matsuri 2017
offer surprising complexity
and depth considering its age?
- Yeah.
- Yes! Yeah, it does.
Well, speaking
of killer Japanese products,
where'd you guys come up with the idea
for "Asako: Warrior Geisha"?
I... Japan.
- We worked.
- Yeah, uh...
Nope, don't know what's going on there.
Uh yeah, no, no, that was me. Yeah.
I was drawing a geisha
for a different video game
and I just kind of thought
that she's pissed enough
to do some killing.
[laughs] I can relate to that.
- Can't we all?
- Dope!
- Yup.
- Brilliant. That's brilliant.
Thank you. Thank you!
Uh, you know, it's funny.
I have been busting my ass to
make sure we nail this pitch
on Friday, and if it goes well,
I would love the opportunity
to just, sort of,
run some more pitches by you and I...
I had this thought, you know,
about, like, Russian ballerinas
who are also killers.
- Yes!
- Yes.
I freaking love ballet.
Who freaking doesn't?
- I love it!
- What... and then the killing?
I want to hear every idea you got,
Whisky Mama.
Okay, I have so many. Whisky Papa.
Yes, I got a nickname!
God, that's strong.
And babe, I even got a nickname.
- Mm-hmm?
- I'm Whisky Mama.
- Ooh.
- [burps]
Oh, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm tasting that.
- Yeah.
- Wait, what time were drinks?
Lily said you made it to her rehearsal.
What can I say? I'm Superwoman.
- Kiss me.
- Hmm?
Oh, wait, we also had garlic fries.
I'm not above that,
but first you have to tell me
how you were in two places at once.
[sputters]
Wait, wait. You're telling me
you hired an Indian woman
to swap places with yourself?
Oh, okay, you know?
You love stunt doubles so much
but when I do it, I'm a monster.
Okay, I don't love stunt doubles.
I just think they should be recognized.
Like, how is that not a
category in the Academy Awards?
How come you didn't come to me for help?
Um, you don't look Indian.
David, I didn't ask you because
I wanted Lily to see me there.
Okay?
When dads don't show up,
they don't get dinged.
And when they do and they just show up,
they get bonus points.
When moms don't show up, we're bad moms.
I understand that the double
standard is messed up.
- It is.
- If Lily finds out
that you hired a lady to... yeah,
I'm not even gonna finish
the sentence, Emet.
Just, I think you should go to Lily,
tell her you got overextended,
she will understand.
All right, all right, all right.
- Can I get that kiss?
- Yeah.
- Ooh, no. I'm above that.
- Yeah, it's bad.
Hey, peanut,
I need to talk to you, okay?
I, um... ooh, oh! What is this for?
Thanks for being there today.
It was so cool to look out and see you.
I think you made me dance better.
I can't wait for you
to see the next one.
We added triple pirouettes.
Oh. Yeah, no. She's so happy.
I can't do this.
Triple pirouettes!
Well, you know what I am?
Triple excited to see them when
I'm there every day this week.
Okay, I'm going to hell.
Over the next few days,
I used Rupi to help me
be the best dance mom I could be.
And I focused on getting
my big pitch ready.
There was still so much to do.
But for once,
I felt like I was doing it all
and not disappointing everyone.
Including myself.
Besides, I wasn't missing everything.
I wanted to be there,
so when I could be, I was.
Oh, excuse me.
- [cheering]
- Hi. Hi, hi, hi.
Give me the hat. Get the hat. Yup.
Good, good, good.
Oh, thanks so much. You can go now.
- Oh, God.
- Hello!
This was a stupid plan, man.
- I know.
- What's wrong with you, man?
You do anything for money? Here.
Here's $10. Get some morals.
Okay, I have my own Indian
mom to make me feel like crap.
You're on your own, Emet.
And with that, I lost my doppelganger
and my way to do it all.
Beta, when are you going to learn?
It's impossible to have it all.
You have to make a hard choice,
like Muriel Street
in that movie, "Sophie's Decision."
Mom, it's... You know what? Never mind.
Look, I love my job and I love my kids
and I can be there for
both all by myself, okay?
Women do it. Like... Kelly Ripa.
That's a great example.
Anyway, the point is,
this is the home stretch, Ma.
I got this.
Mom, can you start on my costume now?
Yes. Hell yes, I can. Let's do it.
Great! Since I'm the phoenix,
I'm gonna need two wings
75 feathers per wing,
and each one has to be spray-painted
ombre red to-gold. See you later.
See ya.
Now what, Kelly Ripa?
Fine, you're right.
I got to make a choice.
And I choose not to sleep anymore.
To Target we go for
Red Bull and feathers.
I got this.
With the help of my friends,
Cup O'Noodles and Red Bull,
I was gonna finish my pitch
and finish Lily's costume.
I can do this. All right.
Five seconds of painting for Lily
and five seconds of painting for work.
♪
I got to be honest, Mom.
Your job looks like it's super not-fun.
Lily, listen to me. It is fun.
It's also hard but when
you care about something,
you do whatever it takes
to achieve it, okay?
And because I've had an
unsafe amount of Red Bull
and I lost the ability
to filter my thoughts,
I will also share this:
as a woman,
you might have to work extra hard.
- Mom.
- What?
You have noodles in your hair.
Yeah, no, I know, I know, I know.
- Okay, just go to bed.
- You okay?
- Yes.
- Um, I put the baby to bed.
Ooh, oh, God! Thank you! Thank you.
Wow. How many of those have you had?
Nine.
- Ten.
- Okay, well,
- I'm here if you need me.
- Yes.
Like, to take you to the hospital
when your heart stops.
Thank you,
you are the best husband ever!
Am I yelling?
No, I'm definitely not yelling.
♪ Supercalifragilistic ♪
♪ Ambionic, go ballistic ♪
♪ Coldest summer Chain and wrist lit ♪
♪ Automatic Sonic facelift, uh ♪
♪ One time gotta hit 'em with the, uh ♪
Louie.
- What are you doing up?
- What I do every night.
Midnight grilled cheese and
some YouTube deep dives.
Am I hallucinating?
Yes.
Oh, God.
Nine is too many. Nine is too many.
Nine is too many. Nine is...
- Okay, okay.
- You look terrible.
I'm going to give you one last
chance to ask me to cover.
Otherwise, before Lily's show,
I'm going to go out
to dinner with my
girlfriends at Bubba Gump's.
It's fine, Mom, okay?
I... I'm ready for my pitch
and for Lily's big day.
Wow, at least I will be after I shower.
- Are those the wings?
- Yes, they are!
- Sick.
- Wow, those are sick.
- Yeah.
- You're gonna be there
way early to help me
put those on, right?
Yes, I am. I'm gonna be there
to help you get ready,
and to run through your rehearsal.
I got you, girl.
Thanks, girl.
You guys, why are we
out of bread and cheese?
Uh...
Who knows? [chuckles] It's a mystery.
You left the grilled cheese pan
out last night, but I washed it.
Cover your tracks, Ratatouille.
When it was time for
the big presentation,
I wasn't nervous at all.
I'm only pacing 'cause if I sit down,
- I'll for sure pass out.
- Uh, Damon just texted.
"The publishers hit traffic.
ETA is half an hour."
[sighing] Okay. All right. It's okay.
Still plenty of time
to get to Lily's thing.
Just got to keep the blood flowing.
Got to keep the blood flowing.
[breathing in and out rapidly]
- _
- That's it. I'm out.
I got to go be with my daughter.
You guys will just have to
pitch the game without me.
Have fun getting high-fives,
pats on the back,
credit that should've been mine.
[text chimes]
Oh, hold on. They're parking right now.
It doesn't matter.
Time waits for no mom.
I can't have it all. I was wrong.
♪
Is what a loser would say. Ha ha!
[alarm blaring]
- What the hell are you doing?
- Being a freaking winner!
Griff, get your scooter!
We gotta weave through traffic.
Oh, okay, it's not a scooter.
It's a Vespa and it's
a way of life, actually.
Andiamo!
She's crazy!
Pardon me. Sorry! Hi, hi, hi.
How do I get backstage?
I need to help Lily get ready.
Oh, all the girls are ready already.
Okay, did someone help Lily?
I don't know but if Lily's not ready,
my Caitlin's ready to do her solo.
Oh, is she? Is she?
Over my dead body, Caitlin's mom!
I'm the worst mom ever.
I promised to be here, I wasn't,
and my daughter had no one to help her.
- Mom.
- Hi. Hi, honey. Hi.
Oh, my God, you look amazing!
I'm so sorry I didn't make it.
Oh, God, did Grandma skip
Bubba Gump to come help you?
She's never gonna let me live that down.
- No, I did it all myself.
- What?
You did this? Even the hair?
How did you do that?
When you really care about something,
you figure out a way to make it happen.
Like you do with work.
Oh, honey.
Shoot.
Are you saying that I've
been a good role model?
Even though I sometimes
miss out on stuff?
- Oh, no, don't cry.
- No, I know it's too late,
Lily, you hit me
right in the old heart nuts.
I'm sorry, now you're gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry. I have lashes on.
All right, well,
that's because you're a child
and this moment is lost on you,
just know that.
You go rise, my little phoenix, okay?
- You go rise.
- Love you, Mom.
I love you. I love you all!
Future is female!
Maybe it doesn't matter so much
if I miss little moments here and there.
It's what I'm doing in my big moments
that my kid is watching.
And she cool. She real cool.
Oh, hey dude! Hey, Norman texted.
They cleared up your
whole fire alarm mess
and they're setting up the
pitch meeting room right now.
So I should just probably go, right?
Yeah, and I can't go with ya.
My daughter's dance
competition is about to start
- and I can't miss it.
- Oh.
[gasps] So I'm not gonna!
- Yeah! Do it.
- Yeah! Oh, yeah!
- [alarm blaring]
- Andiamo!
- Run, run, run.
- I'm driving!
If my life were a video game,
today I'd be winning.
'Cause I found a pretty good cheat code
that has me scooping gold
coins left and right.
♪ Baby, let me put you on a team ♪
♪ We'll be living out your dream ♪
But I've been playing
long enough to know
that no matter how many walls I leap,
warriors I slay,
or Red Bulls I guzzle,
there's always gonna be
some gold coins I miss.
- I'm so, so sorry.
- Oh hey.
I did it. Oh, I did it.
I made it. I know, I got it.
[cheers and applause]
♪ All I do is win, win,
win no matter what ♪
♪ Got money on my mind
I can never get enough ♪
♪ And every time I step
up in the building ♪
♪ Everybody hands go up ♪
♪ 'Cause all I do is win, win, win ♪
♪ And if you goin' in,
put your hands in the air ♪
♪ Make 'em stay there
[cheers and applause]
That's my girl!
Whoo!
And the braid held!
Come here. You were amazing.
I believed you were a bird.
You were flying!
Lilies for my favorite Lily.
The best dancing phoenix
I've seen since the one I saw
rising from my father's
ashes in a nightmare
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm gonna go greet more fans.
Yeah, go do that.
Well, I don't know how you did it
and I don't think you'll
ever be able to do it again,
but I have to give you this one, beta.
Good job.
Thanks, Mom.
I did it, babe. I did it all.
- Like Kelly Ripa.
- You did.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Congratulations.
Okay, so maybe having it all
is a bull[bleep] concept.
It started as a thing
to make women feel good,
but now it just makes us feel
like we're not good enough.
So, damn it, we need a new phrase.
One that celebrates all the
moments we're there for.
A phrase like, like...
I'll think of one tomorrow. Night night.
- David?
- Yeah?
- I'm passing out.
- Huh?
- Gone.
- Oh!
Okay, all right, people.
Tired mom coming through.
Did it all. Move out of the way.