I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 4, Episode 13 - The Case of My Vanishing Master: Part 1 - full transcript

[♪]

Major Nelson.

You're gonna be surprised
by what I'm about to say,

but I want you to understand

that the need for secrecy
is imperative.

Absolutely imperative.

There's a security leak
at this base.

A security leak?

You mean, a spy?

Well... Well, where? How?
Have you caught him yet?

No, we have not caught him.



We don't even know who he is.

All we know is
that they're after

your new modification plan
of the Apollo 12 capsule.

Apollo 12?
Mmm.

That's the most closely-guarded
secret on this base.

There must be some kind
of precautions we can take.

Exactly.
Therefore, General Peterson

has decided to remove you

from the base until
you've finished your design.

An excellent idea, sir.
Where'll I be going?

Well, I don't know.

The location has to be selected
by the Computer Section.

It'll even be kept a secret
from you.

That's wise. That's very wise.



And that way, I won't be able
to give away the location,

even by a slip of the tongue.

I'm glad you're in agreement,
major,

because you're to leave now.

Now?
That's right.

[SIGHS]

Oh, uh, come in, men.

Uh, I can go home and, uh,
pick up a few things, sir,

and throw 'em in a bag
and be on my way...

You, uh, don't seem
to understand, major.

Now means now.

Get in.

In there?

Uh, sir, there are arrangements
I'd have to make...

That's all been taken care of.

Now, good luck, major.

But, sir, if... If I could just
make a phone call...

There we are.
Now...

Dr. Bellows, if I could
make one phone call...

Take him away, men.

Easy.

Mm-hm.

You can come out now.

Major Nelson is gone.

Perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

[♪]

[♪]

All right, Pomfret, that was
your first real peek

at Major Nelson,
other than films.

What'd you think?

[NASALLY VOICE]
An uncomplicated type.

You were wise in not telling him
where he was going.

I doubt if he could keep
a secret from anybody.

Oh, by the way, where is
this secret destination?

I don't know,

and, uh, there's no need
for you to know either.

Uh, now then, Pomfret.

From the moment
you leave this office,

you are Major Anthony Nelson.

Don't worry, sir. No one could
possibly penetrate my cover.

Then stop talking like that.

You've had ample time to study
the films of Major Nelson.

Oh, and there's, uh,
one thing to remember:

To avoid Major Healey
as much as possible.

And I'd advise you
to spend a lot of time

at Major Nelson's house.

Since he lives there alone,
there won't be any danger.

Understood.
Shall I assume my duties now?

Right.

Very observant.

[♪]

Oh, by the way, Dr. Bellows,

I wonder if I could use
your phone, sir.

Now, Major Nelson, I've told you
before about this pho...

See? I even had you fooled
for a second.

I've noticed that Major Nelson
looks very worried around you.

[WHISTLING]

Excuse me, sir.

Moving out the skeleton
in somebody's closet?

[CHUCKLES]

[BANG]

Some room in there.
Ha, ha, ha.

"Skeleton
in somebody's closet."

[WHISTLING]

Hi, Roge.

Hi, Tony.
How are you?

Oh, listen.
Uh, about that top-secret.

Uh, there's been
a little change.

Top-secret?

Yeah. Here's, uh...
Here's tonight's menu.

I decided
on truffled, uh, grouse

instead of
the tournedos Rossini.

Um, what's the menu for, Roge?

It's the menu
for tonight's dinner.

Oh, tonight's dinner, yes.
Sure, at your place, eh?

At my place? You know I couldn't
cook a dinner like that.

I'll see you at 7, huh?

Right you are, Roge. Seven.
Okay.

[SIGHS]

"Oysters Rockefeller,
truffled grouse,

"baked Alaska and Persian melon

from Persia."

and baked Alaska.

But you didn't tell me
Nelson was a gourmet cook.

Research must have
slipped up on that.

Well, it can't be helped.

You'll have to prepare
the dinner Major Healey expects.

Can you do it?
Positive.

I once impersonated a chef

who was a secret agent
for de Gaulle.

[♪]

Is this really necessary?

Sorry, sir.
Orders.

Even the plane goes
on automatic pilot

when we reach our destination.

But nobody's gonna
know where we are.

There's one thing I know.
We're going fast.

It's all that time in orbit.

Gives 'em an incredible sense
of direction.

Yeah.

Stand up, please, major.
Huh?

We're gonna do something
about that sense of direction.

Oh.

[♪]

[MUTTERING] Baked Alaska...

[GRUNTS]

Oh!

My poor master.

Oh, your head.
Are you all right?

Yeah. Who are you?

Oh. He does not even
remember my name.

I am your Jeannie.

What?!
Oh.

Oh, there, there, there.
My poor master.

Do not worry.
I will make you well again.

Uh, all right. I'm all right.

I'm... I'm fine, miss.

Jeannie. Do you not even
remember my name?

Oh, of course I do.
Yes, of course I do.

Huh. I'll be fine, Jeannie.

You just, uh, go on and do,
uh, what you usually do.

Oh, thank Allah.
Heh.

Well, you see, today is
my usual day for housecleaning,

but I did not expect you
so early.

But I will be finished
in a trice.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, right.

Nelson's maid.

In that outfit?

[♪]

Master?

What are you doing?

Oh, just truffling a grouse.

Uh, Rockefellering
some oysters, you know.

I do?
[CHUCKLES]

You haven't been around long
enough to see me in action.

Master, what is the matter?

Matter? Ma...? Nothing.
Absolutely nothing's the matter.

Why don't you go finish
your housework, hm?

I have finished.

Well, how could you finish?
You just started.

See for yourself.

No. I... I believe you.

I believe you.

Well, I'll see you next time.

Next time?

Yes. Oh, I am sorry. I forgot...
My hands are a little sticky.

I forgot to pay you.

Here, just... Just take
whatever I owe you, huh?

Pay me?

Oh!

Oh, master!

Now, what on earth
is the matter with her?

I tell you, the servant problem
these days is something else.

[SNIFFS]

[POTS BANGING]

Oh!

Pay me?

[RUMBLING]

Jeannie.

What a time for an earthquake.

[♪]

Hey, listen, fellas, when you
get back to the base,

would you do me a favor?

Uh, if you call my house,
please,

and tell... my maid

that I won't be home
for a while.

Sorry, major. No communications
from you are allowed.

Yeah, but this is important.

One step backward, please.
Oh, all right, but I...

[SCREAMS]

Sure is a beautiful place.

I'd love to take
a vacation there.

You'll wanna take
at least a week.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Tony, I'm here.

Boy, I'm so hungry
I could eat a bear.

Oh, hi, Jeannie.

[SOBS]

Oh, what's the...?
What's the matter?

[CRYING]

I... I do not know what is
the matter, Major Healey.

It is my master.
He is acting so strangely.

He... He...

He offered to pay me
for cleaning the house!

Oh, I don't blame you.

He's been getting free
maid service for a long time.

[JEANNIE CRYING]
ROGER: Oh, now, take it easy.

Whoa, that's all right.
Take it easy.

Aw, aw, pumpkin.

Aw.
[SOBBING]

Aw.

Oh.

That's his girlfriend.

No wonder.

What am I gonna do
about this meal?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hi, Roge, old pal.

Well, you finally put
Jeannie on the payroll.

Oh. Jeannie, I'm sorry
about, uh, this afternoon.

I was tired and hot.

I'd had a hard day
at the office, you know.

Hey. All fixed up.

I am sorry too, master.
[CHUCKLES]

It was a misunderstanding.

Now that we're
all friends again,

how 'bout making Tony's
favorite drink?

A Baghdad Camel.

Yes, a Baghdad Camel
would certainly hit

the spot right about now.

Right away, master.
Uh, I'm sorry about dinner,

but I'm afraid...
Here we are, master.

Fantastic.
Mmm.

To a pleasant evening.

You, uh, had 'em all ready, huh?

Boy.

[CLEARS THROAT] Mmm.

Delicious. As always.

Look, kids, about dinner.

I'm afraid the earthquake
destroyed everything.

Do you mind going out
for dinner tonight?

Well... Well...
Well, what earthquake?

The earthquake that demolished
the kitchen about two hours ago.

I didn't feel any earthquake.

Well, it demolished the kitchen
and everything in it.

As a matter of fact...
Oh, master.

This room looks all right.

Ah...
Master, I am sorry. Heh.

That was no earthquake.
That was me.

You?
Mm-hm.

Yes. I was just a little bit
angry with you, so I:

[MUSIC CHIMES] Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

Do not worry, master.

I-I will fix everything.

[STAMMERING]

No, you don't...
Don't go in there, it's...

[POMFRET STAMMERING]

[MAGIC BOINGS]

Hey, that looks great.
Let's eat.

Hey, how did you...?

How did you do that?
They were all over the kitchen.

[YELLS]

Something wrong, master?

No.

[♪]

Good evening, Major Nelson.

Dr. Bellows.

I thought the television
was for relaxation.

You're not there
to relax, major.

We've arranged to cut in
for communications

with Cocoa Beach.

Twice a day at 12 noon

and again
at 12 midnight, your time.

Right, sir.

Two times a day.

Correct. And remember,
this project is important.

Uh, how's the work going?

Oh, just fine, sir.
Just fine.

Uh, but I do have
a few questions.

I wanna show you a tape, major.

It was made several weeks ago.

I think it will
explain everything.

I don't remember making
any tape, sir.

Major Nelson, meet Major Nelson.

[♪]

Hi, Tony.

I know we haven't met,

but I feel
I know you well enough

to call you Tony.

It's... Eh, that's me.
No, no, it couldn't be me.

Yes, it is me.

BELLOWS:
Relax, major.

That man is
an intelligence agent

with theatrical training.

He's a dead ringer for you,

and no one will notice
a discrepancy.

Not even if he's having dinner

with Major Healey at your house.

That's...
That's really remarkable, sir.

It would fool prac...

It won't work.
It won't work, Dr. Bellows.

Well, of course it will.
It's working now.

Major Healey has already
accepted him as you.

What's the matter, major?

Nothing, sir.

It's not Major Healey
I'm worried about.

Well, Jeannie.
Where's old Roge?

Oh, he went home.

Home?
Mm-hm.

[CAR STARTS]

Healey!
Healey, you forgot Jeannie!

Roger?

[CAR DEPARTS]

He's gone.

And you're still...
here.

Of course I am still here.

Master, are you sure
you feel all right?

I'm fine.
Fine, fine.

Uh, listen, Jeannie, ahem,
it was great of good old Roge

to allow you to help
with my housecleaning.

But what does Major Healey...

But there's no reason
for you to stay

and do the, uh, dishes.

I can do them myself.

They are done.
Mm.

Yes. That's fine. Good...
Good little worker, aren't you?

Uh, he probably forgot.
Shall we go?

Go where, master?

Home?

Master?

We are home.

All right, she's not the maid,

and she's not
Healey's girlfriend.

Jeannie, uh...
Ahem.

I've been thinking, uh...

How long has it been
since we first, uh, met?

Oh, well, it has been
a long time, master.

I have been so happy

that the time has just flown by.

Well, you know how your memory
plays tricks on you.

I... I can't for the life of me
remember, uh,

when we first got together.

Do you mean our anniversary?

Yes, our anniversary.

The anniversary
of our... marriage.

Marriage?

Oh, master.

Oh, master, that is why you
have been acting so strangely.

After all these years,

you are finally going
to ask me to marry you.

Oh! I am ready!

Oh!

You darling thing.

Everyone will be so happy.
No, no, no.

Wait till I tell my mother.
No, no.

You've got the wrong idea.
She won't believe it.

She will not believe it.

Oh, master, darling, goodbye.
I'm going to go tell everyone.

You've made me the happiest
genie in the world.

[JEANNIE LAUGHS]

That... That's not the idea
at all.

Jeannie?

Jeannie? Jeannie?

Nelson's gonna kill me.

Let's see. I wonder
if I can get Jeannie here.

At least I'll know
what's going on.

What am I talking about?

I don't even know
what hemisphere I'm in.

[♪]

Fresh air.

Sure does give you an appetite.

Let's see what I have for lunch.

Veal cutlet.

My favorite.

Mm-mm.

Ridiculous.

I was simply intoxicated.

She won't even be here
this morning.

[POMFRET GASPS]

Oh!

Oh, master.

It does not matter if you see
the bride before the wedding.

I want you to meet the
Right Reverend Ibn Bernouli.

Uh, do I have to?

[COUGHS]

[SPEAKING ARABIC]

He says that he is honored
to meet you, master,

and honored to perform
the marriage ceremony

according to the ancient rites.

How do you do?

[SPEAKING IN ARABIC]

He says that he is
all choked up, master,

because he performed
this very same ceremony

for my mama and papa
over 5000 years ago.

Five thousand years ago.

As a matter of fact,

I believe he was
at their wedding anniversary

just last year.

Well, when you marry people,

they really stay married,
don't they?

[SPEAKING IN ARABIC]

[CHUCKLES]

[SCREAMS]

Master, wait! Wait!

Oh...

[SPEAKING IN ARABIC]

He has just gone to, uh...

Uh...

To get a marriage license.
That is it.

In America,
one needs a license for...

everything.

[SPEAKING IN ARABIC]

America.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Well, major.
Everything go all right?

Negative,
Dr. Bellows.

I'm drunk.

Yes. That's the only
explanation, sir.

She fed me a Baghdad Camel
last night,

and it must have
been pure alcohol,

because from the first sip,
I was smashed.

I began to see things.
I still think I'm smashed.

Don't be ridiculous, major.

Look at you.
You're neatly dressed.

Your eyes aren't bloodshot.

You didn't stagger,
your speech isn't slurred.

Nevertheless, wait
till I tell you what I saw.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Major Healey,
are you in the habit

of barging into
a superior officer's office?

I'm sorry, sir.
Looking for Major Nelson.

I gotta talk to you right away.

Later, Roge.
When I sober up.

When you sober up?

Ah, Major Nelson is intoxicated.

That's impose... Impossible, sir.
He doesn't drink.

Oh, yeah? Um...

What was in that Baghdad Camel
last night? Pablum?

I never saw anything
like it, sir.

Uh, plates appearing
and then disappearing,

a-a turkey
that carves itself,

a-a baked Alaska just suddenly
appearing out of nowhere.

He's drunk, that's right.
Stoned. Very stoned.

Look at that.
Bloodshot eyes there,

tie all crooked and wobbly.

Now, is that the Tony Nelson
we know, sir?

All right.

I'm gonna get to the bottom
of this. Come along, major.

We're going to the lab
and take a blood sample.

We'll soon find out
what's wrong with you.

Major Healey.

TONY [OVER TV]:
Dr. Bellows. Dr. Bellows?

Dr. Bellows,
I've gotta talk to you.

Tony?

Tony, what are you
doing on television?

Roger, thank goodness it's you.

We're in terrible trouble.

I'll say we are.
What's the idea

of telling Dr. Bellows
about Jeannie?

What are you talking about?

Just now,

when you walked out
of the office.

How could you walk out
of the office and be on TV?

It wasn't me, Roge.

It wasn't you.
Of course it wasn't you.

I mean, you wouldn't act
like that. It wasn't you?

Look, there's a phony Tony
on the loose. Now listen.

I don't know
how much time we've got.

Yeah. I think I better.

Bellows...

Tony?

Tony, come back. Come back.

[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH
OVER TV]

Ah.

He's somewhere in France.

[♪]

[SPEAKING IN ARABIC]

[STAMMERS]

A-as soon as the sands run out,
you must go?

Oh, b-but what if my master
does not return?

[SPEAKS IN ARABIC]

[GASPS]

All right, Reverend.

As soon as the sands run out.

You see, major, not a trace
of alcohol in your blood.

You're stone-cold sober.

Well, sir...

Sir, in that case,

there's only one
other explanation.

I'm really seeing those things.

Well, Major Nelson.

For the first time
since I've known you,

you admit it.

I admit nothing.

Oh. I'm sorry,
I almost forgot.

I thought for a moment
you were the real Major Nelson.

Well, nevertheless, come on.

This time,
I think we've got him.

We're going to the house
and see what's really going on.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
I'll... I'll... I'll...

I'll take him, sir.

A cold shower and hot coffee
will fix him up...

Uh, no, there's no need, major.

Major Nelson and I are
going to his house

and see what's going on.

Major Healey, if you don't mind.

Oh.

[♪]

Pomfret, I want you to know that
I was against substituting you

for Major Nelson from the start.

But if you really can
show me any proof

of any funny business
going on at...

Proof positive, sir.

She wears a funny little outfit

like she came out
of an Arabian harem.

No. Extraordinary.
Yes.

She blinks her eyes,
and things pop in and out.

Vacuum cleaners,
baked Alaskans, chickens.

[♪]